02x02 - The Party & the Pervert

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ALAN: My 12th birthday

was fast approaching,

and I had a party to organise.

Right, watch out.

Don't touch the

plates, they're hot.

You're putting them

on my name places.

I'm party planning. God!

It's very complicated.

Kids' parties.

Who in their right mind

invites a g*ng of E

number-riddled little monsters

to run riot in your home?

Well, not me, actually,

as it happens.

So, who's coming?

Charlie, Kay, Val

That's it. I want it

nice and intimate.

Val? Dinner lady Val?

Should she be coming?

Well, if you're getting nerves about

cooking for a dinner lady, don't be.

She's made a few duff meals

herself. ALAN CHUCKLES

But she's got a heart of gold.

Why don't we invite

some more people?

I did. I invited Miss Gideon,

but she's playing a bollard

in a road safety commercial.

Oh Well, if you want any help

organising some fun party games

Mum, it's gonna be perfect.

You just worry about your

Neighbourhood Watch meeting.

I've got everything in hand.

It's a detective theme.

Wink m*rder, Miss

Marple double bill,

then Now That's What

I Call Music Nine,

Battenberg, then

Carriages at five.

You're a right little

Peter Stringfellow.

Who's Peter Stringfellow?

Eat your dinner.

Come on, what's the

catch? 'Oh, that's nice.'

Can't a chairman get his

favourite manager a little treat

to say thank you for getting

us to the top of the league?

Ah I don't trust you.

Rockery Lane Motors want

to give you a free car,

and you're turning

your nose up at it.

That doesn't look good, Graham.

Doesn't look good at all.

'Are you stupid? You're

a waste of space.'

Are you talking to me?

No, Banjo. Oh. Oh, great.

Bucket's on his back,

just like his mum.

YELLING: Get up, you lazy sod!

Can I pick the colour?

Yeah, go for it.

Red. How about claret, with

white trim around the alloys?

What, like the kit? That's

it. Nice and patriotic.

No. I'll go with red.

Claret? Red.

I'll put your name down

for claret with white trim,

and if you change your

mind, just let me know.

MUSIC: "The King of Rock

'n' Roll" by Prefab Sprout

Right. Press ups now!

FOOTBALLER: Really?

ADULT ALAN: Oh, it

used to boil my urine,

being excluded from the

Neighbourhood Watch meetings.

Were they mad? I was

perfect for the job.

Raised on a diet of

Agatha and Sherlock,

constantly looking

out the window

with a pair of binoculars

glued to my hand.

I was basically CCTV.

HE GASPS Wow.

Blackbird.

Right, so, today, we're gonna

discuss Geoffrey's hedge,

and, er Kathleen's

multi-story rabbit hutch.

MUTTERING I tell you what.

Shall we just cap it at three?

Yes. Yeah? Yeah. Definitely.

Chris. Chris. Where does

he sit when he's here?

Does Graham sit in this chair?

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me, Arthur.

Angela. Oh! There's a

pervert on the close.

Huh? Oh, come in, Ange (!)

A Peeping Tom. I tell

you, I was in my negligee.

The pink one with the lacy trim.

Mm. I look out my window,

there's a man there

with a dog and a red bobble hat.

The dog was wearing a bobble hat?

He was peeping through my curtain.

Honestly, I froze.

I could feel beads of sweat

dripping down my decolletage.

Not again, Ange. Come off it.

Didn't you accuse Gordon

Woods of having a fiddle?

Yes, and once I realised he was

doing a Rubik's Cube under his mac,

I apologised.

His wife left him

because of it. Poor sod.

She was on her way out

anyway. GASPS OF DISAPPROVAL

BIRDSONG

Another blackbird.

Oh.

LITTLE GASP

BIG GASP

Gary, Quick!

Guys, guys, I have

just seen a pervert.

He snatched some knickers

from the line. What?

Wh-Whose? Debbie's.

Debbie's? One minute,

they were there,

the next, they were gone,

weren't they, Gary? Yeah.

So even though I've been

excluded from the meeting,

I thought, as a

neighbour who watches,

I should bring it

to the meeting.

Oh, this is awful. We need to

investigate this straight away.

Oh, so, when a man says it,

you all take it seriously,

but when I say it, I'm

just a silly young girl?

Young? Hysterical,

loving the attention.

Alan, can you give

us a description?

I think I saw more

of him than he did.

The way he yanked those

knickers off the line,

I could sense anger

in those fingers.

His fingers? I saw

his whole arm. Yes.

But my eyes are younger.

What the glasses for, then?

All right, all right, let's just

calm down about the pervert.

I think I need a brandy.

What IS a pervert?

It's someone who, er.. looks

studies birds, but

a little bit sad.

Is Alan a pervert?

Make it a double.

Kay. Kay, there's a

Peeping Tom on our close.

The drama of it

all. No-one's safe.

You OK? I'm sorry, Alan,

they just ambushed me.

They grabbed it out my bag.

TAYLOR: Morning,

dweeb. Oh, no.

Really? Wink m*rder?

Yeah, I bet your party

will be full of "winkers".

AS ALAN: "Come to my house, have

a glass of dandelion and bumdock."

Go on, bugger off, you little

toe-rags. Calm down, Miss

It's his special day, and

he'll celebrate how he likes.

Right. I wanna know

all about your party.

Tell me who's coming.

The guest list is very

exclusive. You, me, Kay, Charlie.

Right. Well, I wouldn't

miss it for the world.

Bye, Val. Bye.

Hm.

I think it's going

to be a great party,

and I like the

fact it's intimate.

Even if it was just us

two, it would be great.

Oh, Kay, you can't play

Wink m*rder with two people.

God. Sometimes, I think you're

a biro short of a pencil case.

This Peeping Tom's

a worry, Ange.

Graham's got a

string of away games,

so I'm definitely

putting the Chubb on.

I mean, I know I've got Alan

here to protect me, but

I'd put the Chubb on I don't

want him worrying about all this.

Not with his party coming

up. It's horrible, isn't it?

I'll never get used

to men leering at me.

I mean, for you, it's

probably a novelty.

Bet you're gagging for a

wolf-whistle, bless you.

We are not all

sex objects, Ange.

My life isn't a

bloody Carry On film.

Ooh, hello, ladies! Any

news on the Peeping Tom?

No. I gave the police a

description of the man,

his bobble hat and his dog,

but they are not bothered.

It's like any mystery,

the clues are all there, you

just gotta look for them.

What does Shaw Taylor say on

Police 5? "Keep 'em peeled!"

Mum, Dad's got

a new car. What?

ALAN GASPS Come on, then, Mum!

The moment my Dad got a free car,

I knew he'd become a celebrity.

And how was I to know

in 20 years or so,

I'd become one too?

Me and me father, Northampton's

answer to the Kardashians.

Well, lets face

it, I had the arse.

Oh, cool, Dad! Oh, wow!

Oh, wow! It's so shiny.

Oh, my God! Graham, look at it.

It's not what I asked for.

Oh, stop moaning.

It's lovely, Graham.

You work so hard for this town.

Why shouldn't you

get something back?

Top of the league, and you're

splashing your cash on that.

Cobblers' colours

too, of course.

D'you not think she could've

spent that money on the lounge?

Get rid of that bloody

sofa? I love that sofa.

I'll see you back in the

house. You all right?

Yeah, are you? You're

hiding something. Move.

BOTH: Oh!

Ron had the bright idea

to put my face on the car.

Who's Ron, and why

does he hate you?

It's complimentary,

free, gratis.

Yeah, and gets us

from A to B. Sorry, Ange.

Any news on your

pervert? Not a sausage.

I'm trying to tone it down,

you know, so as not to provoke,

but you know me, Graham.

I have a certain

power over men.

GARY: It's so cool! Right,

well, I'll keep an eye out.

Will you? Which one? The

one looking at the sunroof,

or the one sliding down

the door? ANGE LAUGHS

State of that. I'll

walk you back, Ange.

We wouldn't want you getting

molested en route, would we?

Right, you keep your eyes

peeled Out. Come on, out.

GARY HUFFS

Gary, bags!

ADULT ALAN: I still

couldn't believe my luck.

A mystery to solve,

and my birthday party,

all in the same

week. KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in. What a

time to be alive.

Got your cocoa, darling.

Mum, when was the

last time you heard

Dirty Nets Janette doberman

bark in the evenings?

Oh, I dunno, it barks every time you

walk past the fence. Yeah, exactly.

Well, Ange said the

pervert had a dog.

Look at the street map.

If the pervert came

down Saddlebrook Drive,

I'd bet my bottom dollar that

Janette's doberman would've barked.

But we didn't hear nothing, right?

Right, but what does that?

So the pervert has come from

Wilder Avenue. He must've.

But to then To get a

direct view of Ange's window,

he must've sidestepped Bob

Donne's security light.

But the pervert didn't

because only this

half of the street

know that Bob Donne's security

light needed its battery changing.

So the pervert lives

here! Oh, you are clever. Oh.

Well, I learnt from the best.

So, my guess is the pervert

comes down Wilder Avenue

with his dog between

six and half eight.

Because that's the perfect time

to look through windows. No.

DRAWER OPENS

I found this dog poo down

there, and it was semi-hard.

Oh, Alan! You've gone

too far. It's disgusting!

What? Oh, it stinks. It's

going out the window!

Mum, that's evidence.

That's evi It's horrible.

ALAN GASPS It's him!

Oh, my God. Move.

My God.

DOG BARKS

Where's? Where is he?

I don't know. He's run off!

ADULT ALAN: So, the next

night, with Dad away,

and with no help

from the police,

Mum and Ange decided to

catch the pervert themselves.

But how were they gonna do

it? Pathology? Forensics?

Stand and look sexy in your

window with the curtains ajar,

and I'll do the same. Over.

WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES

ANGE: 'What's a sexy width?'

'I want the pervert

to get a good view.'

Ange, what are you doing? Over.

Can't have a honey

trap with no honey.

You'll have every

perv in Northampton

coming down the drive. Over.

Be interesting to see who

he goes for, won't it?

The downtrodden suburban

housewife, or the seductive minx.

Oh, thanks, Ange, but I

wouldn't call myself a minx.

'Oh, no, I meant I meant me.'

Oh, sorry. Can't hear you? Over.

No, no, Christine, I meant

me. CHRIS IMITATES STATIC

WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS

Alan, are you ready?

Yes, Mum. Don't worry,

we'll catch him.

I've got my camera.

And I've got some

knickers on a stick.

Gary, go to bed.

Fine.

Good God.

WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES 'Nigel,

Nigel! You're tickling me.'

NIGEL: 'I dunno about the

pervert out there.' Alan?

'There's a pervert

in here. Cor!'

Alan, we've lost half

the honey. Oh, God.

Alan, I can't

make it stop. No.

Stop, turn it off. Turn it off.

I'm Make it Turn it off, Alan!

'Nigel!' WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS

There you go. Thanks, love.

BOTH SCREAM

YELLING: It's him! Get your camera.

Get your camera. It's the pervert.

Alan, did you get

him? Did you get him?

No.

ADULT ALAN: I wasn't gonna beat

myself up about the elusive pervert.

I'm sure even Poirot

had the odd duvet day.

And besides, I had to conserve some

energy for the impending soiree.

'And where did they go,

madame? Can you tell us that?'

Oh, you're off early. Yeah.

Ron wants me to

drive the new car

around the ring road

a couple of times,

try to create a buzz.

Oh, traffic'll be m*rder.

That's the point,

more people see it.

KEYS JANGLE I wish I'd

never got that car.

Any road, see you

later. Oh, Graham.

Oh HE WHISTLES

Thanks, love.

He-e-ey! Happy birthday!

Oh, thanks, Dad. I'll see

you later, at the party.

Alan, I already told

you, I've got work.

Any road, you don't want your

old man cramping your style.

See you later. Graham.

SHE WHISPERS: This party,

there's gonna be no-one here.

How many are coming?

Well, I've just cut a

scotch egg into quarters,

and that's the food done. Ooh!

Massive gloves.

HE SIGHS

'If you both would be so kind,

'there is something

you could do to help.

'Please, join me in my suite,

'as I have pulled together all those

I consider relevant to this case.'

ADULT ALAN: Zut alors!

Poirot was back

in the room. Oh.

Maybe this detective wasn't

gonna have a day off after all.

MUSIC: 'Superman'

by Black Lace

So

what was your favourite

bit of m*rder She Wrote?

The end.

Well, even though

there wasn't a plus-one

on the invitation, Charlie

But Maz is my girlfriend.

As it's my birthday,

I'm willing to let this one go.

And would it have hurt

you to have dressed up?

It's a detective theme.

I'm missing the

roller disco for this.

With my ACTUAL friends.

Oh. Don't you look handsome

as Sherlock Holmes.

Thought I'd walked

into 221B Baker Road.

Street. Thanks, Mum.

Don't you look

dapper as Dr Watson?

Oh, thanks for letting

Gary get involved.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your snacks are served.

Is everyone having a good time?

Oh, yes, Mrs Carr.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, another guest?

The fourth oh

fifth and final one.

CHRISTINE CHUCKLES

We're here for the party.

Oh, you all right, Roy?

Oh, sorry, it's a children's party.

It's OK, Mum, I invited them.

Everyone come on in,

make yourselves at home.

Gary, refreshments.

ADULT ALAN: Sacrificing my

little party wasn't ideal,

but someone had to keep

the mean streets of Northampton

safe. Hello. You all right?

Alan, birthday boy, may I

have a quick word, please?

Why didn't you tell me you'd

invited half the close?

We've got no food in.

All will be revealed. It's

part of my master plan.

Well, whilst you're coming

up with your master plan,

get in the kitchen and get those

crinkle cut chips defrosted.

Step away from those

crinkle cut chips.

You don't invite a trio of

dinner ladies to a party

and expect to cook yourself.

I tried to discover

A little something

To make me sweeter ♪

I can't wait for this to end. I'm

supposed to be at roller disco.

Oh, I hear you. I don't wanna be

hanging out with these oldies.

I've got a good mind to pop my

Walkman on, and have a beatbox.

ANGE BEATBOXES

Oi, oi, oi, oi! Who

ordered the party?

Banjo, show 'em some

moves. I'll get the, er

Rice Krispie cakes.

Things are looking up.

CHRISTINE: Oh, you're

back. Dad! You made it!

Oh, it's a nightmare.

The Kettering Road was shut,

so I had to take the bypass.

And I wouldn't have missed

it for the world, son. Gary.

Go and get his beer out the

fridge. Who are all these people?

You invited all the players?

Well, I-I couldn't

have no-one turn up.

Thank you.

Oh, Dad. Val's made

some sausage rolls,

and, look, I'm not just saying

it, but they are her best yet.

Oh, and thanks for the

presents. I love them.

They're serving gloves, perfect

for hot and cold platters.

I don't think I'm ever

gonna go back to oven mitts.

Oh, waiter. Sausage

roll, please. Excuse me.

Hey.

They're not serving gloves,

they're goalie gloves.

Why'd a goalie be serving food?

Can we go now?

My mum's flirting

with the footballers.

Take, take, take, take

T-T-T-T-T-Take, take

Take or leave us

Only please ♪

DOORBELL RINGS

What d'you think they're gonna play

at this party? Pass the "Arse-el".

BOTH LAUGH Erm What's

The Time, Mr Puff?

Oh, hello, boys, come on in.

Do you want a fairy cake?

Sounds appropriate.

Here, Christine.

Why don't you serve these

egg custards, darling?

And I'll take care of these two.

Let me just see if

you're on the guest list.

Mm-hm. SHE HUMS

No. Oh, but we've

got an invitation.

Oh, my God, there he is!

The dirty, dirty pervert.

No, you silly cow, that's Graham's

face on the side of the car.

It has got a whiff of

pervert about it, Chris.

He wants to watch

where he parks that.

He'll end up on a list.

This is a real pinch

me moment, you know?

Sitting next to you.

Doing normal things

with your family.

CRISP CRUNCHES

Eating crisps.

ADULT ALAN: Everything

was in place. I was ready.

RECORD SCRATCH

MUSIC STOPS GUEST: Who

turned the music off?

My lords, ladies, and

residents of the close.

I brought you all

here for a reason.

Oh. As you know, there is a

pervert terrorising the close.

Oh, 'ey up, Banjo,

he's onto you. LAUGHTER

Hey. No, not Banjo.

Someone closer to home.

Someone in this very room.

CROWD GASPS

I knew it! It's

Graham. Sit down, Ange.

Jeez.

I've amalgamated all the evidence,

and through my investigations,

I have discovered

that the culprit

knew these streets like

the back of his hand.

Someone with an axe to grind.

Someone bitter.

At first, I thought it

was you CROWD GASPS

Bin Bag Diane.

Do they really call

me Bin Bag Diane?

But then I thought, "No, no, it

must be someone with a motive.

"A kink." ROY CHUCKLES

"Someone with a track

record" Oh, get on with it.

It's a party. GUEST: Yeah!

Oh, right. It's

Sidney. CROWD GASPS

Me? I'm not even

here. I work nights.

I've had to take on extra

shifts because we're

we're saving up for a holiday

because it might be

Carol's last. CROWD GASPS

Oh. I'm so sorry, Sidney.

Alan, what are you thinking?

Course it's not him.

ADULT ALAN: Well, he

looked like a wrong 'un.

I think we need a tune.

Gary, go and get Sidney a Kestrel

out the fridge, darling. Quick!

This one's for

Carol. BUTTON CLICKS

Touch me, touch me

I wanna feel your body ♪

I coulda swore it was Sidney.

All the clues pointed to one man.

Made me rethink my position

on the death penalty.

Touch me, touch me now ♪

Touch me ♪

It's a kids' party, Ange.

All right.

GUEST: Go on, Banjo. Let's

get those hips swinging.

LAUGHTER Mm! Ah!

PERVERT VOCALISES

PERVERT: All right,

darling? BANJO: Ow!

Oh, no! I got him. I

got you, you pervert!

You're not Ange.

Sorry, mate. Oh, no!

BANJO GRUNTS Come on, boys.

ALFIE: Let's get him!

GUEST: Call the police!

NIGE: It's the jeans,

and the white jumper.

You looked like my ex, mate.

You ought to be locked

up, you pervert. Alfie!

I'm sorry. Sorry,

mate. I'm sorry.

Alfie, that's Nigel!

He has an alibi.

Look, he's a pervert,

but he's not THE pervert.

Thank you, Christine. All

right? All right? All right.

You all right,

Nige? All right.

Your arse looks

like my wife's arse.

All right. Yeah.

I'll get Nige a beer.

Let's cut the cake, shall we?

Let's cut the cake. Come on, then.

Come on, everyone.

Let's cut the cake.

Ange. Ange, you look

the same from behind.

ADULT ALAN: We never did find

who the pervert was in the end.

The next time a pair of knickers

got whipped off the line

was the great storm of 1987.

But he's still out

there. Be vigilant.

Keep 'em peeled.

Sweet little mystery

That makes me try ♪

Hang about, that's

him, the dirty pervert!

Sweet little mystery That

makes me try, try, try, try

Didn't I come resisting

This sight of wonder

Didn't I come insisting

The higher decision

Didn't I come resisting

This sight of wonder

To your life

Say I wouldn't steer

you wrong Now, baby. ♪