02x05 - Better the Neville You Know

[bunniefuu]

COMMENTATOR: 'That puts

Northampton Town six points clear

'at the top of Division Four

'following Richard Hill's

brace at the weekend.

'He really is unstoppable, but

can he lead them into fourth?'

Dad?

The lady who plays

Wonder Woman's

doing a one-woman

show in Birmingham.

Can we get tickets?

Yeah, sure. Sounds fun.

Oh, wow!

Ta-da! We're going on holiday

to a caravan in Great Yarmouth!

Great Yarmouth? How exciting.

What? When? This week.

No. No, it's mid-season.

I'm not losing a

six-point lead, forget it.

I've got Watford sniffing around,

trying to poach Richard Hill. No.

If I was in a bib and shorts,

you'd take more bloody

interest in me. No.

Are we still going

to see Wonder Woman?

What? Definitely no.

I've got enough on my plate

without all this rubbish.

And besides, Ron won't

Ah, I've spoken to Ron,

and he agrees with me.

He says you're stressed

and you're irritable,

and you need a

break. No, I don't.

We're not in a cup, we've

got no games this weekend.

We are going to Great

Yarmouth to relax.

Hmm, actually, Mum, this

doesn't work for me.

I've got my presentation

on Angela Lansbury.

Ah. Since when did you start

dictating when we went on holiday?

OK, well, what do

I do with this?

Ooh! Ugh! Burn it!

Well, that's a bit harsh. Ugh.

This isn't fair.

Why does football come

first all the time?

It's my job.

It's only eight men kicking

a ball around a field.

Eleven. Eleven.

Even with the wire wool, I

couldn't get this sausage off.

Oh. Thanks, Ange.

Not that I'll be needing it this

weekend, we're off on holiday.

Ooh. Well, if you need

someone to water your plants,

I'm only across the road.

Oh, bless you, Ange, but I

couldn't possibly impose,

and anyway, I don't

have a spare key.

I've got one. I took the

liberty of pressing yours

into a bar of Camay last

Christmas, had one made.

SHE SCOFFS

I'd rather you didn't come

round. I'll only pop my head in.

Please don't. I will.

Speaking of holidays, you heard?

Binbag Diane up the road just got

back from a week in a caravan.

Pfft!

Where are you off to? Spain.

Ooh. You been?

Oh, yeah, we love a bull fight.

Meatballs, tomato

sauce, patatas bravas.

Anyway, best be

off. Packing to do.

Make sure you keep

hydrated, yeah?

You can't afford to lose any

more moisture from your face.

Silly cow.

ALAN CARR: 'Holidays

an opportunity for you

'to have quality time

with your family.

'Where you can stop, relax,

'and realise you don't want any

more quality time with your family.'

Ugh!

HE SNIFFS Why does it smell?

Oh! I'm bursting.

HE SIGHS

TOILET FLUSHES, GRAHAM GROANS

Oh, it's blocked.

Right, er Give us one

of your coat hangers.

No, it's got my clothes on.

I'll go and get a stick, then.

Don't be going out and

treading the mud in.

Oh, yeah, because I'd

hate to dirty this carpet.

Why would we leave

our house by choice

to stay somewhere with less

space and less facilities?

It's tiny!

You can go to the toilet, wash up

and make a fry-up at the same time.

That's not normal.

Oh, give it a rest.

I can't believe I'm

missing school for this.

I'll probably forget

how to read and write,

and end up living in

a caravan permanently.

I've always been a snob.

I never use toilet

paper, only washlets.

Do you think I wanna be

stuck in this crappy caravan

for the next four days?

Oh! Well, that makes two of us.

We should never have come!

Right, shut it, the both of you.

We are going to make

the best of this,

so the least you can do is

stick a grin on your gobs

and pretend to be having fun.

'Aw, great mum.

Awful holiday rep.'

Right.

STAND SQUEAKS Oh!

Huh?

Ooh.

Finders keepers.

Aw! That's the only

one I haven't read.

OK, you have it.

I am ploughing through a very

entertaining Dorothy L Sayers

at the minute.

Sometimes I have to stop myself

from having two books

on the go, you know?

I'll read it quickly and

then give it back to you.

Where are you? Caravan 367.

I'm Neville. Bye.

'What a turn-up for the books.

'Amongst the gift shop

tat, I'd found a treasure.'

Graham, please, I know

the carpet's disgusting,

but you haven't gotta

wear a hole in it.

Sit down. You're

putting me on edge.

Can we watch the

telly? There isn't one.

We're on holiday. We

could watch telly at home.

Yeah, we could, couldn't we?

SHE SIGHS

Let's talk.

Right.

I might just go to the clubhouse

and see the United result.

Let me know what I miss.

No! No. No football.

We are going to do what

normal families do,

sit in silence and

look out the window.

Oh, let me go? I'll be

ten, 15 minutes max.

Sit down. Oh!

I know what I saw earlier

Board games. HE SIGHS

Ooh. No, thank you.

Aw! Me and Kay play that.

Why am I not surprised?

Oh, we're playing Monopoly.

Really?

But with Trivial Pursuit, it's

fun, and you learn new things.

Who wants to know

the capital of Africa

when you can own a hotel in

Mayfair? That's the life.

Well, as long as I

can be the banker.

Ooh, I love it when

you get all bossy.

'Ugh! They make me wanna be sick in

that little silver top-hat thingy.'

Cracking cuppa, Joy.

It's great to have you back.

Thank you.

I'm sorry you, er

went a bit, you know

cuckoo.

Did you get your flowers?

No. No, I didn't.

I left a post-it note on

your desk for you to

It doesn't matter.

Had a phone call from Watford

again about Richard Hill.

What should I tell 'em?

Tell them we've got a stressed out

manager who needs to kick back.

Watford can wait a few days.

The best things in life ♪

OK.

Are free But you

can give them to ♪

CHRISTINE: Oh, never mind, love.

GRAHAM: Serves you right, Gary.

Three-hundred. Oh,

Gary. Oh, darling.

Graham, why did you

knock down Gary's hotel?

Well, he couldn't pay his rent.

There's no such thing as

a free lunch, Christine.

Which reminds me,

Alan, I own Pall Mall.

Pay up.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, I've come second

in a beauty contest.

Should've been first.

Miss, er Miss Moneypenny.

Shall we, er? Go

on, then. THEY LAUGH

I need the toilet.

Well, hurry up, we're

having an early night.

Perhaps the bank should

shut early tonight, Graham.

TOILET FLUSHES

'With our own en

suite out of action,

'I took my chances in the

communal campsite lavs. Hmm.'

BIRD SQUAWKS, ALAN GASPS

Hello?

Is anyone there?

BIRD SQUAWKS Ah!

Where's my caravan?

They all look the same!

Oh, God.

OWLS HOO

We must stop meeting

like this. Oh.

It's you. I'm lost.

Do you wanna pop in?

Er, well, no, cos I'm

only in my pyjamas.

I feel like Wee Willie Winkie.

You're on holiday, you

wear what you like.

Don't tell anyone,

but I've been known

to wear a loose slack

or even a tracksuit.

Oh, you rebel. Pop by

later if you fancy.

I'll be enjoying a weak shandy

with Crosby, Stills and Nash.

I'm surprised you can fit

them all in your caravan.

THEY CHUCKLE Maybe tomorrow.

Sounds delightful.

I'm glad you got lost. I think

I've found a kindred spirit.

I'm Alan. Night, Alan.

Night, Neville.

I'll be ♪

Night! Seeing you

In all ♪

FARTING

Oh, Gary.

GARY CHUCKLES God.

SQUEAKING

What's going on?

Mum! Mum, it's coming

off its moorings!

CHRISTINE: It's just the

wind, love! It's rocking.

It's rocking!

Dad, it's rocking! Why?!

GRAHAM: Shut up,

Alan! It's nothing!

HE GASPS Ah, ah!

Dad! Why's it rocking? Isn't

this meant to be static?!

Alan, will you keep

the noise down?! Help!

Oh, come on. Mum?

Do you think I suit

a pocket watch?

Ooh, no. Alan, drinks, please.

PHONE RINGING WHISPERING:

Get my mobile.

Mum! Dad's after his mobile!

Ooh, you little No!

You're having some time off.

No phoning Ron, no

football. Get it?

I will be looking after

the mobile. PHONE RINGING

I need to know what's going on.

No, not for four

days, you don't.

Smoke! Oh, this

stupid bloody hob.

Oh, it's gonna be ruined

now. Oh, it's only beans.

They're the best

bit. Stop moaning.

I can just scoop

the black bits out.

I think I'll just get

something from the shop.

Hey, sit down.

You'll eat here with us. Your

mum's slaving over a hot pan.

But I don't want burnt beans.

You'll eat what you're given.

You don't even want burnt beans!

So why should I have burnt beans?

This is so not fair! Sit down.

I'm not hungry any more. Oh.

SHE SIGHS, DOOR SHUTS

Wonder if the clubhouse

does a breakfast.

Oh! Hello!

Oh, Alan, your timing's abysmal.

We've just wrapped up a very

competitive game of Trivial Pursuit.

Oh. Here, meet my folks.

Simon. Pippa, we call her Pip.

Nice to meet you.

Tagine?

Hello, Tagine.

THEY LAUGH No, no,

that's my sister Fiona.

I was offering you

tagine. It's on the hob.

It's a Moroccan dish.

Tagine isn't the name

of the food, though,

it's the name of earthenware

dish that it comes in.

Tagine. It's a noun.

Whatever next?

Have you been taken

out of school, too?

Er We teach them

at home ourselves.

We do a much better job than

the comprehensive system.

Yeah, I've been

taken out of school.

And I was supposed to do a

presentation on Angela Lansbury

on Friday.

Marvellous actress.

I mean, such range.

Mm-hm. Have you seen The

Corpse Flew First Class?

Spellbinding.

No, I don't think

I've seen that play.

m*rder, She Wrote? It's a TV

show. She always solves the crime.

She's a crime writer. You know,

rides a bike, wears a mac.

We don't watch telly,

it's for idiots.

We'd much rather read a

book or go to the theatre.

Ooh. That's where we saw

Angela, wasn't it, Simon?

She played Gertrude in

Hamlet at the National.

Oh, yes, the whole cast

got a standing ovation.

I started it. Wow!

Can I ask, what are you making?

Oh, it's a dream catcher.

It catches your

dreams above your bed.

What are your dreams, Alan?

Being nude in shopping centres

and my teeth falling out.

Shall we explore the area?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Apparently, there's a

lovely coastal path.

Bye!

We could really help that boy.

Er Hmm.

CHRISTINE: You know what,

I've had enough of this!

You can stick your fry-up

up your arse, then, Graham,

and get a Wimpy!

Alan, do I have beans at the

back? I hope you get diarrhoea!

Yeah, you've got a bit of

bean juice on your tank top.

"Please use the

communal bins provided.

"This will only attract vermin."

Oh, I'm so sorry (!)

Being such a humble

wench, I did not know (!)

What is this bin

that you speak of (!)

Did I sense sarcasm?

Just ignore her.

I think she's simple. Mm.

SHE SIGHS

Sorry, Ron. Watford

called again.

They got quite pushy.

I gave 'em Graham's

landline number,

but he's not back for

a few days, is he?

Watford wait for us, Joy.

But they've doubled their

offer for Richard Hill.

MUSIC: 'Pull Up To The

Bumper' by Grace Jones

Ooh! Shi

SHE EXHALES

PHONE RINGING

Hello. The Carr residence.

I'm afraid he's not

here at the moment.

Watford, you say? Can I

ask who's calling, please?

Elton, as in?

And your last name, please?

Mum? Yes, darling?

Can I get a dream catcher?

What's one of them

when they're at home?

Neville's mum makes them.

Well, you hang them above your bed,

and they catch your bad dreams.

Can't you use a carrier?

Can you believe me and

Neville are both members

of the Agatha Christie fan club?

Yeah, I can believe it.

Neville's mum doesn't let

them watch television.

She says, "It's for idiots."

Oh, says the woman

with the dream catcher.

Right, I'm having

a nice cup of tea.

Do you want one, Graham?

I promise not to throw it

out of the window this time.

Do you know what,

I fancy a beer.

Oh, Graham!

Coming up! Oh,

that is the spirit.

In't this nice?

Can't remember the last time

I saw you without that worry

line going down your forehead.

Elton bloody John calls,

and you tell him to call

back next Wednesday?

I'll give Graham's

mobile another ring.

Yeah, you do that.

Oh, Ron, I might have

to have another tablet.

Not now, Joy. You get

Graham anyway you can.

Bugger his holiday,

this is too important!

PHONE RINGING

I hate quizzes, I

don't know anything.

Yeah, you hate quizzes, but you

don't mind shouting the answers out.

Moi? SHE LAUGHS

Come on, boys. I'm

not going with you.

I'm spending the

night with Neville.

Not like that, I was 12!

I'm going to the quiz

with Neville's family.

And tomorrow, he's taking

me to a tearoom. Oh.

They just really get me.

Oh, well, suit yourself.

Right, where's my mobile?

Right. Out, now!

Move it, Gary. Let's go.

Erm, I'm sure Ron won't deny

you one more night of fun.

Hello, campers,

who wants to win a £10 gift voucher

for Our Price and a cuddly toy?

Give us a cheer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You can do better than

that. Give us a cheer!

CHEERING

Well, no more Cinzano for you.

Right, pens and pads ready.

Let's get this quiz started!

Oh, a quiz.

Three years at Cambridge

sure to come in handy.

First round - general knowledge.

Which TV chef is known

for her bubbly laugh?

Rustie Lee. Rustie who?

Rustie Lee! AUDIENCE: Oh

AUDIENCE: Always

one. Rustie Lee.

QUIZZER: Who wrote

A Christmas Carol?

Oh, erm Ah, it's

Jilly Cooper! Shh!

Christine, would you stop

shouting the answers out?

Oh, sorry. Somebody

said Jilly Cooper.

THEY LAUGH

You know, the only literature

these people have in their houses

is the TV Times. THEY LAUGH

Which motorway goes from

Manchester to Leeds?

M62. Great services.

What word has all the

vowels in it in order?

Facetious.

Xylophone!

What sport do you associate Giant

Haystacks and Big Daddy with?

GASPING Oh! Who

doesn't know this?

Is it something to do with

farming? It's wrestling.

Me and my mum love it.

We watch it on Saturday's

with Findus Crispy Pancakes.

I watch it with the

boys on a Saturday

with a Findus Crispy Pancake.

Oh, God, this is hell.

I can't believe people

actually live like this.

Well, it's like

the fall of Rome.

On with the quiz. Next round.

Who's up for a quick-fire round?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do we have any TV

addicts in tonight?

Oh, yeah! CHRISTINE: Ooh.

ALAN CARR: 'Quickfire TV

trivia? A gift from the Gods.'

What was Frank

Spencer's catchphrase

in Some Mother Do

'Ave 'Em? Oh! Oh!

Oh, Betty.

Is the correct answer!

'This was the moment

I was born for.'

Surprise, surprise

The unexpected hits

you Between the eyes! ♪

DAVID FROST IMPRESSION: Hello,

good evening, and welcome.

FRENCH ACCENT: I shall

say this only once.

If you want the best And

you don't ask questions

Then, brother,

I'm your man ♪

HIGH-PITCHED: Can I

have a P, please, Bob?

DALEK IMPRESSION:

Exterminate! Exterminate!

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend! ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well

done, that team! 12 points!

CHRISTINE: Oh, Alan!

Come here, my boy.

I'm so proud of you knowing

all of them answers.

That's your mother?

Have those points on me.

That's the woman who nearly

drowned me in bean juice.

Oh, come here, darling.

While you tot up your scores,

there's just enough time

to read out your

cupid's callouts.

"Debbie, I love you more now

than I did 25 years ago

"Ray." AUDIENCE: Aw!

Aw! That's lovely.

"Graham, I'm sorry,

we need to talk.

"Please come home

as quick as you can.

"I'm here waiting."

AUDIENCE: Aw! "Ron."

AUDIENCE: Oh, goodness.

Oh, that's for me. That's

my Ron. That's my Ron.

We've gotta go! We've gotta

go now! Let's go. Let's go.

Graham, what's Ron doing? There

must be a problem! Christine!

I should never have left him!

I'd get out while you can.

Alan?

You're just going?

Well, yeah.

What about the museum trip

and the tea rooms I've booked?

It's complicated, my dad's

job, my presentation at school.

And just like that my

Wee Willie Winkie is gone.

Well, when you say

it like that yeah.

Oh, Neville, I finished it.

It's yours.

I will treasure it forever.

Goodbye, Neville.

Goodbye, Alan.

Ron's gonna think I've fallen

off the face of the Earth.

Chris, where's

my? PHONE RINGING

Shh! PHONE RINGING

My rucksack's ringing.

Oh, seriously?

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah.

If you're Elton John,

then I'm Bernie Taupin.

Banjo taking the mick.

Elton John? Is he the

Chairman of Watford?

Yeah.

Oh. Let's go!

Bag! Let's go, let's go!

Ugh, God!

Maybe we should try

Hunstanton next year.

No, you're going on

your own if you do.

Oh, get that kettle on.

Who's left the lights on?

You have got to be

joking me. Ange!

What? Doing your plants! Made

yourself at home, have you?

Must've nodded off.

Well, maybe reading my

letters has sent you to sleep.

Oh, I weren't reading it.

Boy, am I pleased to see you.

You're back early. You haven't

got much of a tan, Christine.

Did you go outside at all?

Well, that's the joy of

Spain. So much to do indoors.

I best be off.

Put your money away,

I don't want paying.

That's what neighbours

are for. Ange!

All right. Yeah, sorry.

GRAHAM: All right, Angela?

Just doing your plants.

Unbelievable. GRAHAM SIGHS

HE GRUNTS Home sweet home!

You can say that again.

No more sticky carpets,

no more burnt beans.

No more mysterious rocking

in the middle of the night.

Well, that definitely won't be

happening here for a long time.

Aye-aye, Christine get

ready for kick-off

Oh, no, what are you doing here?

Ange, Ange, they've

come home from Spain.

ALAN CARR: 'Getting his flat-cap

back from Nige would have to wait.

'My dad had a more

pressing engagement.'

Obviously, if you want to leave,

then we won't stand in your way.

It's your life, your

decision. It's what I want.

I've made my mind up. I

want to go to Watford.

Well, you've given us

100%, son. Thanks for that.

But

only after I've won

the league here.

THEY LAUGH Yes!

Ah! Oh, you had me

there, you little

Up the Cobblers!

Say it loud ♪