01x02 - Loving the Pitch

[bunniefuu]

When Kris Latimer

shows up tonight,

she'll see this sign

and immediately think

of the most successful show

in TV history.

"Jeopardy!"?

[British accent] No, it's

the World Cup, you pillock.

"Cheers"!

"Cheers."

You nitwits.

Never even heard

of the World Cup.

It's like the Super Bowl,

except important.

"Cheers."

You know, there was a bar.

♪♪

[Sniffs, sighs]

Cooper, about tonight.

Kris Latimer

is not coming.

What? What,

is she blowing us off?

No, no. Antonia

Gutierrez is coming,

head of development.

Head of development.

What, is she gonna take us

into a dark room

and spray us

with silver nitrate?

Cooper, she's

an important executive.

She can make this

happen for us.

So don'tshit the bed.

Okay?

Or put your ba*ls

in the cheesecake.

Kris

this can't be the place.

Cracked driveway,

a sidewalk recliner,

like meth-den vibes.

Okay, if you say so.

Hey, do you think these guys

even know what a streamer is?

Yeah,

it's a party ribbon.

Oh, sh*t.

There's, like, three guys here.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

You don't worry. I got this.

I got it. Yeah, yeah.

Bye.

Don't panic.

It's It's vegan.

Cauliflower, LOL.

♪♪

Sit, sit, sit.

Just make yourselves at home.

Kris Latimer

sends her pale imitation

of what she mistakes

for as love.

So, guys, we read over the pitch

and what you created

Can you pass these out?

it's it's sharp.

It's funny.

It's it's interesting.

But, guys, you've got

to make it play into 2020.

-Right.

-What I love about it

is that

it really reminds me of myself

and how it felt when I got

shipped away to boarding school,

which funny story.

Then oh, h* then

when I received

the silver lei,

she had the gall

to have a cardiac infarction

that same weekend.

So, you know, the whole family

had to make it about her.

Unbelievable. I mean,

you can't pick 'em, right?

She's a Leo. Shocker.

I was drifting still.

And after my third

ayahuasca trip,

you know, I dabbled

in this psilocybin therapy,

but turns out, I'm allergic.

Sucks.

Then I went to this amazing

self-actualization center

in Solameco,

which, lo and behold,

became the real-life inspo

for this self-actualization

center on Cooper's farm.

So Cooper's got

a self-actualization farm

in L.A.?

Oh, no, we're not

We're not sh**ting this in L.A.

Oh, hallelujah.

People have farms in Buffalo.

Alabama's where the best

tax credit is right now.

Great crews in Alabama.

Like you'd know.

So in your mind,

I'm this barkeep

who's a farmer,

who's like

a spin instructor?

I see it.

Redemption and inspiration.

It appeals to the podunk

and the coast.

I'm gonna really enjoy

writing this.

I got to be honest

with you,

I-I don't think

I can play this.

Has Kris Latimer

not mentioned any of this

to you guys, like, at all?

Cooper, you don't have to worry

about playing Cooper

because Amy Schumer is.

Amy Schumer?!

Amy Schumer?!

-She wants to do it.

-That's amazing.

I know.She's always how

I saw Cooper.

She loves the theme.

You know, chaos is the mother

of invention.

She loves the band of losers

that hash everything up

and that, you know,

Cooper is always there

to save the day.

And this is my favorite part.

Amy's created a lifestyle brand,

so whatever Cooper's selling

at the self-actualization

center on the show,

Amy will be promoting

through her multiplatform

brand integration,

which drives the consumer

to her online store.

Oh, good Lord.I know.

I mean, we're gonna

be printing money.

Well, you know,

the studio will be, but

So, um, Cooper

Business Affairs drew up

this little life-rights deal.

Boilerplate stuff.

But, you know, if all goes well,

you might have a nice

little lump sum there,

maybe clean up some

credit-card debt and whatnot.

I tell you, Anita Antonia.

We can set it in the South.

Terrific.

And I get it

that you don't want me.

Amy Schumer's

a much bigger star.

God, I'm so looking forward

to working with her.

Oh. The, uh, the star brings

in their own team.

But Cooper's Bar

is not a place

where rich people go

to escape

their made-up problems.

It's a real watering hole

where normal people

get a tiny break

from the billion

daily indignities

of working

in this f*cking town.

or any job

that shits on you.

I mean, look at this.

This isbullshit.

vag*na-scented candles

sell, man.

No, no.

These these these

vegan cauliflower sh*t wings

doesn't even know

what it's trying to be.

Does it want to be

better cauliflower

or worse chicken?

Whatever it is,

it should be

against the law.

Antonia.

He's an actor from Buffalo.

He doesn't really

understand the game.

Let me go and talk to him.

Director to star.Yeah.

Alright.

Let's talk story arches.

Story arcs?

You say tomato

Coops.

I can't believe I thought

for even one stupid minute

this might be my shot.

I'm a fool.

Yeah.

The writing samples

will have to be in writing.

Cooper. Cooper.

I've watched you change

your clothes

three times a day

in a Vons carpark

for three

different auditions.

Exactly, Dave.

This could still be

an opportunity, right?

You could be

Amy's dad or something.

Oh, give me a break.

Cooper, don't put your ba*ls

in the cheesecake.

No, it's time I wake up

and do what I was

really meant to do.

Open a bar in Buffalo!

Excuse me.

Because Buffalo

is a real place

where no self-respecting

human being

would eat a limp piece

of vegetable sh*t like this

and pretend

it's a buffalo chicken wing.

It's a place where no one

runs around with earbuds

connected to their an*s.

It's a place where

there's four seasons

and people are happy.

It's not 75 and sunny

every single day.

It's a place where if you want

real buffalo chicken wings,

you go to Eddie Brady's Tavern

on Genesee Street

and you order five dozen

of them,

along with

five dozen beers.

Because it's a real place

with real people

who actually age

and say what they think

to your face.

It's a place where

you give the mailman

a gift at Christmastime.

And unlike this city

of paranoid psychopaths,

you say hello

to your neighbors,

and your big dream

is to just keep having

good days,

like when it's mid-January

and you don't have to shovel

10 feet of snow

out of your driveway.

So you go to old

Daniel's Gin Mill

and you say hello to your pals,

who you love,

and you throw 20 bucks

into the kitty.

You don't care

if it's for drinks

or for someone's

bail bond.

You just do it because

you're a Buffalonian,

the city

of good neighbors

and you're talking proud.

And for a couple of hours,

you tip a glass,

tell a story,

and you laugh

and you're warm

and life is good.

♪♪

God, I miss Buffalo.

Forget Amy Schumer.

Cooper Marino should be played

by Cooper Marino.

And we're not sh**ting this

in Alabama.

No.Now you're talking.

No, we're doing

this Buffalo style,

which which probably

means Vancouver,

but pure, down and dirty.

"Cooper's Bar"

starring Cooper Marino.

Directed by David Butler.

And written

by Brandon Washington.

Cooper, get me a copy

of your latest headshot.

I'm going around Kris Latimer,

and I'm going straight

to the head of the studio

with this.

This

is gonna finally give me

a parking spot.

Yes.

I'll send you my reel.

It's mainly shorts.

I did a corporate

for Sears!

You heard the lady.

The star brings their own team.

And guess who's the star?

[Laughter]

♪♪

Oh, please.

No more vegan cauliflower wings.

I'm not Postmates, bruh.

♪♪

I live at Flex House

the collab house next door.

Is this place a bar?

No.

No.

Indeed it is.

Welcome to Cooper's Bar.

What can I get you?

I'll take

a Bacardi daiquiri.

What do you think this is?

The Love Boat?

Nah, man, old school.

Bacardi Superior rum,

lime juice.

extra-fine sugar.

Extra-fine sugar.

Nice.

And a basket of wings.

Yes, indeed, gentleman.

Did you say there's

a new collab house next door?

Yeah. Flex House.

You heard of us?

Flex House.

No sh*t.

Coops, bring me one

of them Bacardis, too.

♪♪

You try one of these?

Ooh, it appears that I make

a very nice c*ck.

Bussin wing.

These are fire.

Fire's good, right?

This place is called

Cooper's Bar, yeah?

Yeah,

but don't tell anybody.

This place hasn't exactly

passed its health inspection.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

This kid's f*cking nuts.

♪♪

[Cellphone chimes, dinging]

♪♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪