02x03 - The Crew

[bunniefuu]

- [Cooper] This Kris Latimer

is the biggest

d*ck in Hollywood.

He'd never come here.

- You ever met him?

- Hell, no.

Some dweeb from Seattle.

Tech guy thinks he

could run a TV network.

- Oh my God, I can't believe

that I had to step over

a recliner in the street.

I think I got an HPV.

I'm sorry, but is this

here Cooper's Bar?

- You're five lines early, Dave.

Okay, you come in after I

refill the rum and cokes.

- Is that your impression

of an Australian giraffe?

- Kris Latimer had

high bloody heels.

- Jesus Christ,

just say the lines.

- Why can't I just play David?

- Because no one can

understand your British accent.

- There's no such thing

as a British accent.

- Oh God, here we go.

- No, you have to be precise.

Like I was born in Sunlandly

where they talk like

this all the timely,

and then I moved

down to Yorkshire,

and now, I'm what is

considered Thames Estuary,

but a lot of people

think I'm a c*ck.

- No, a lot of people

think you're a [bleep].

- Children, I got a

whole team of IT geeks

trying to take my

virtual Ted Talk.

They say this could

turn into a book deal.

People care about the psychology

of power in everyday jobs.

Like the ones you

all shouldn't quit

just because you're

becoming TV stars.

- I guess she

didn't get the memo.

- We still have our real jobs,

'cause Cooper

couldn't get us hired.

- What happened to the

star brings his team, Coop.

You should just make them

hire me in the writer's room.

- Guys, it's a process.

They had to hire the

showrunner first.

Now, we get this script to sing

and you earn a spot

in her writer's room.

- Well, she won't even read it.

- I'm gonna make her read it.

When she comes

here to meet us all

and get the texture

of the real bar,

I'm gonna say, "Sorry,

Miss Hong, you get nothing

until you read Brandon

Washington's script."

- What about me directing?

What are you gonna

do about that?

- First things first, Dave.

(upbeat drum music)

- All right.

(glasses clinking)

(upbeat music)

Something in my

heart go missing ♪

I never though I

would lose myself ♪

But then there is no denying ♪

The fact I know I

wasn't ready for life ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

(engine purring)

(car alarm alerting)

(g*nsh*t ringing)

- Cooper, it's a shame

we can't franchise

this slice of paradise

across the globe.

- When this show hits,

I'm gonna demand the

brick and mortar rights

back as part of my renewal.

(Brandon chuckling)

- Don't you just love the

smell of fresh genius?

- Oh, someone's

dressed to impress.

- And I printed up the script

so you can hand it to the

showrunner like you promised.

- Oh, the life of a

lonely scribe toiling

away in his garage

only to turn his work over

to the people who

actually make the show.

- Writers become

showrunners, David.

As in the one who runs the show.

- Hey, children.

Brandon, she won't

get past the door

until she reads your script.

(phone ringing)

- Ooh, it's Antonia video call.

- No, no, no, she

can't see us like this.

- Go on here.

- Look at you, Cooper.

- Hey.

- c*ck's in the pool.

You better not be

getting soft on me

with your big time

Hollywood startup.

(Cooper chuckling)

- Stop, I'm, I'm

just a working actor

thankful for the opportunity.

- No, you're a star, Cooper,

and don't you forget it.

Also, like don't let

it get to your head.

Hey, Cyrus and I were thinking

director should

come from your camp.

- I was just saying

that to Dave.

- Coming over to Camp Cooper.

- So, there's only one guy

that's actually shot there

and made you feel

comfortable, right?

- There's only one

guy I can think of.

Wink, wink.

- Tell you what, Cyrus

and I will come by the bar

and we'll have ourselves

a little wink, wink

meaningful consultation

on the director front.

- Let's do it!

- Fantastic. Okay, I gotta go.

I love you, bye.

- What did I say?

Oh [bleep], it's the showrunner.

- Tucked behind in an

unassuming bungalow,

Cooper Marino has created

his own urban oasis.

(playful music)

- She's early,

here's the script.

- Miss Hong, Cooper Marino!

(water splashing)

Oh, [bleep].

I really want you to read

Brandon Washington's script.

(suspenseful music)

Let's get you a drink.

- Oh, I don't drink.

- You don't drink?

You, you know this

is a bar show?

- About people who drink.

- At a bar.

- I see the bar as this

incredible metaphor

for a crumbling America right

here in your own backyard.

Cooper, Dave, Brandon, these

desperate diluted dreamers

drink to tolerate the

agony of contemporary life.

- It's a little dark.

- And accurate.

- You know, this

is a comedy, right?

- Sure, the mirth born out of

desperation, a Mike Lee film.

- Oh, I love Chinese cinema.

- You've read, "Pinch

It Off", right?

- "Pinch It Off"?

- My Obie Award-winning play.

Those were real people

who I got to know.

- Authentic, I like that.

- Right, so I could mine their

human frailty for laughs.

It's why I wanna get to know

you guys and this place.

- Well, one way to get a

great sense of this place

is to read the pilot script

penned by our very

own much-in-demand

Brandon Washington

who would be a great addition

to your writer's room.

(suspenseful music)

- You wrote this?

- Yes, ma'am.

It's all there.

The burping, the

slapping, the smoking weed

and the laughing about t*tties.

And a meditation on

the stark inequality

of wealth and gender

in modern America.

- Well, it's truly

remarkable, Brandon, really,

however, we're gonna go

in a different direction.

- Well, you couldn't

have read it.

- You have a typo on page 12.

(suspenseful music)

- [bleep]!

- You know, it's not

to say we wouldn't hire

a totally, inexperienced writer,

what with your Cheugy dialogue

and somewhat r*cist portrayal

of the British character,

but I'm more interested

in using your brain

to understand what

makes these guys human.

Billy Cyrus, Kris Latimer.

- I'm pretty sure

the devil's spawn

isn't technically human.

- Exactly, why would a

nearly superhuman exec

like Kris Latimer set so much

as a Louboutin in this place?

You know, for a decade she

was the ultimate taste maker.

She pointed her finger at

you and you were a golden god

and everyone in town wanted you.

What made her fall prey to

a cabal of losers like you?

(mobile vibrating)

- Ha! I told you these

things really listen to you.

It's Kris Latimer, here.

- That's not how

smartphones work.

You can't just mention someone's

name and they call you.

She's not Beetlejuice, here.

- [bleep] that,

don't give it to me.

Last time I saw her, she ripped

me a new [bleep], literally.

Hot sauce is finding new

ways to come outta my body.

- Is this really Kris Latimer?

- Tell her I'm not here.

- [Kris] I know where you are.

- I'm telling you

she sees everything.

- Because I am here too.

When I call, you

answer, or I show up.

- Oh my God, I have called

you like nine times.

I was really hoping

to interview you.

My name is

- Shut it, I know who you are.

I didn't return calls to

newly minted showrunners

when I was head of the studio

and I'm certainly

not doing it now.

- Hey Kris, did you leave

something here like your career?

You know, things could

have ended differently,

if you're just able to spot

true talent when you saw it.

- I'm sorry, are you

actually bragging

about face humping hot chicken?

I hope that serves you well

when you're finally back

in front of the camera

trying to prove the rigor mortis

of the last 15 years

of unemployment

has nothing to do with

the lack of your talent.

- Oh my God, ouch.

- Yeah, you're sick, Kris.

And you know what?

The studio fired you and

I 86ed you from the bar.

So, as we politely

say in Buffalo

Get the [bleep] outta here.

- I am not here to see

Buffalo's Patrick Duffy.

- Who's that?

- Oh, it's this washed up

has-been a bit like Cooper.

He did one big series.

Hasn't really

worked in 15 years.

- Au contraire, that legend

starred in "Step By Step"

and "Bold and the beautiful".

He ain't never stopped.

- His character came

back from the dead.

A bit like Cooper's career.

(David chuckling)

But otherwise he's got

nothing in common with Cooper.

Hi, Kris.

- David, [bleep] off.

- [David] Absolutely.

- Anyway, I am here

to talk to Brandon.

(suspenseful music)

- You don't have to do

anything with her, Brandon.

- She's like a black hole

pulling him into her orbit.

- She can't hurt us now.

Her power has vanished.

- Wrong again, Godfather

of Godawful Acting.

Brandon, have you ever

heard of Ascension?

(illuminating music)

- Hell, yes.

That's the Christian network

- Where I am now top messiah.

- Jesus.

- Christ.

- Do they know you're Satan?

- Jesus is a realist.

- I sent my script to Ascension,

"The Army of the Unwanted".

- Yes, you did.

And today, fate shines

its fickle face on you.

- Moi?

- Oui, cheri.

I have here a check

and a contract.

"Army of the Unwanted"

your poem to aborted babies

is being purchased by Ascension.

(illuminating music)

- Don't sign.

- Don't sign.

- Today, is the first day

of the rest of your life.

- You really like it?

- We're gonna change the title,

and the third act stinks.

The first and second

are very questionable,

but that concept is appetizing.

- Whoa, slow down.

I have to process this.

You are betting on him?

- Can you stay out

of this, Junior?

I have taken [bleep]

with more heat than you.

- But have you even

read his writing?

- You're from the

theater, aren't you?

Listen, writing is

never about writing.

I am buying a script he wrote

and I'm employing him to

rewrite it, exclusively.

- Exclusively?

- Don't listen to

this noise, Brandon.

You take this money

and you go live

your twisted dream.

- He can't work exclusively.

Brandon is a key part of

the "Cooper's Bar" team.

- I am?

- I thought you just said

his writing was chewy.

- Cheugy, outdated, uncool.

- It's perfect,

it's Cooper to a T.

- Brandon, this is your chance

to leave this battalion

of buffoons behind

and go on your own mission,

in the movie business.

- Oh please, no one gives

a dry turd about movies.

You need to see

"Cooper's" through.

- What are you offering my

friend, Brandon Washington?

- I want him in the

writer's room, period.

- I've been rewriting "Army"

for 11 and a half years.

This could finally happen.

- This is a chance of a lifetime

and you'll be getting

into business with Christ.

(suspenseful music)

- They say you go fastest alone,

but further together.

(pen clicking)

(suspenseful music)

(people chuckling)

- You guys are so stupid,

it's almost unfathomable.

But you know what?

I'm gonna make you regret this.

Oh, and then after that,

you're gonna burn in hell.

- Oh my God, that was amazing.

This isn't some parlor drama.

It's a gangster film.

[bleep] Mike Lee,

this is Tarantino.

I need you to report

to the writer's room

10:00 am sharp tomorrow.

Kris Latimer's a goddess.

I have to rewrite everything.

- Your days as a security

guard are nearing their end.

- Oh [bleep], I'm late for work.

I gotta quit my job.

(relaxing tropic music)

- Look who bought

gold bar sushi.

- Wow, gold bar.

What's the occasion?

- It's Brandon's

first day at work?

- Yeah, but I mean gold bar.

It's not like it's

his bar mitzvah.

Postmates, "Thank you for

your order, Anthony Devolder."

- Oh, Mr. Devolder is kindly

donating his sushi to us.

Guess who else quit his job.

- You quit?

Is it possible to

quit Postmates?

(phone ringing)

(indistinct talking)

- That's right, Philip,

I'm keeping Anthony

Devolder's sushi.

Oh, you can deduct it

from my non-existent tips,

because I'm done, I quit.

I got a new job.

I'm directing the pilot

episode of "Cooper's Bar".

- Okay, aren't you supposed

to get the jab first

before you quit?

- Oh, come on.

Cyrus and Antonia coming

around tonight to rubber stand.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- There he is, the

hardest working man

in show business,

ladies and gentlemen.

- We bought you sushi.

- Bought.

- I've been breaking stories,

working on art,

shaping characters.

I am the writing,

ya, ya, machine.

- Shaping characters,

I'd like a six pack

and a full head of hair.

- They gave me my own office.

- Wow, a view of

the water tower?

- Well, no windows per se,

but they got me scribbling

these short scenes

at the start of an episode

to tell a funny joke

or tee up the action.

- The cold open?

- No, this is hot.

- He thinks he's

Aaron Bloody Sorkin.

- They said my last draft was

a psychedelic fever dream.

- Oh, that's good, I think.

- Good enough, they're

showing a new director.

- Oh, wait, wait,

wait, new director?

Dave's directing the pilot.

- Oh bullocks, I've

deleted the app.

- No, this is bull[bleep].

I get meaningful consultation

and when they get here,

we'll show 'em what that is.

You told me David was

gonna be the director.

- I said someone from your camp.

- I take it you're

a Bills fan, Cooper.

- Yes.

- So, the Buffalo Bills

choose their coach

and the fans read about

it in the newspaper.

That's meaningful consultation.

- Well, the fans

are gonna revolt.

David, show 'em what you got.

- Three geniuses, Chaplin,

Keaton, Harold Lloyd.

Now, we've got a fourth genius.

It is Cooper Bloody Marino!

Cooper is a man with a heart

and a liver and kidneys

and he's got all

his vital organs.

He does for comedy

what the Titanic did

for, for ship building.

Okay, that's, that's

not a very good example.

- Our director who broke the

internet with his bar act's

gonna be here like

any second now.

- Thank, Christ

This luddite would sh**t the

thing in black and white.

- Cheaper still.

- You'd sh**t it on film?

- Film is chemical,

as are human beings.

People are not made of pixels.

- Hey, Prince Phillip,

speak for yourself.

Film's a dead medium.

- Billy!

- Billy Canasta?

- Billy Canasta?

- I know, Billy just won

the Francois Truffaut Award

in the TikTok

competition at Slamdance.

Yeah, you know he's

part of the Cooperverse

and he wants to

direct "Cooper's Bar".

- Hey, buddy.

Looks like we're getting

the band back together.

- Over my dead body.

- Shouldn't be

too long from now.

- Really, Antonia?

What happened to "Cooper's

Bar" Buffalo style?

What happened to authenticity?

- Nothing's more

authentic than youth.

- Mr. Canasta creates over 500

minutes of content per day.

We're bringing Cooper

to the 23rd century.

Come here, lemme show

you what I can do.

- Go.

- All right, come on.

(upbeat music)

Here we go.

- Oh, oh, wow.

That was, that was great.

I'm a pretty

little rockstar. ♪

(upbeat music)

Really?

Really? That's great?

That that's, that's brilliant?

(Billy laughing)

- Genius, I mean, you've,

you've totally reinvented

"Cooper's Bar".

- Reinvented "Cooper's Bar"?

Creating characters takes time.

It's not about this

guy taking photos,

putting stickers

over people's heads.

- Or is it?

(camera shuttering)

(messages alerting)

- Hilarious.

- I'm the star of the show

and I need to have

chemistry with my director.

I gotta work with

someone that I can trust.

This Keebler elf,

he drives me nuts.

He drives me bat [Bleep].

- Cooper we consulted

with you on this.

And to be frank,

David, he's just

- What? Say it.

- I'll say it,

because she can't.

David is a limey and he

ain't cool right now,

because of all of

that colonizing they

did back in the day.

- I was gonna say,

he's inexperienced.

- I directed my first video

for the police 25 years ago.

- With Sting?

We had dinner at the Connaught.

- Wait, who's Sting?

- Who's Sting.

- Okay, whatever,

I'll google her later.

Okay, let me show you

why the Billy Hive has

way more engagement

than any other content

creator in this town.

Come on, let's go!

Whoop, whoop!

- Let's go come on.

Let's go see the

[bleep] Billy Hive.

(upbeat music)

- It's the cough syrup

chicken challenge!

Whoop, whoop,

whoop, whoop, whoop,

whoop, whoop,

whoop, whoop, whoop!

- What the [bleep] is this?

- Whoop, whoop, whoop.

- Cooper, [bleep] dammit.

I am trying to do

my TikTok right now.

I have 2 million people

trying to hear my lecture.

What the?

- Excuse me, ma'am,

we're sh**ting a TikTok.

- Why are you back?

- I'm back sh**ting the pilot

episode of "Cooper's Bar".

(ominous music)

- Are you now?

And here I thought we'd never

see the likes of you again,

but there you are.

Blowing up all over the place.

And I'm thinking Billy Canasta's

sure gonna prove

Cooper Marino wrong.

Cooper Marino is going to regret

throwing Billy Canasta

out on his a*s.

- That's Mrs. Cooper?

- I guess I was

wrong about that.

- What's she talking about?

- Nothing, nothing, nothing,

nothing, nothing, nothing.

It's just that you are out there

doing these short

form art pieces

that are aesthetic as [bleep].

- You like my [bleep]?

- And I am thinking

Billy Canasta

is coming back to Cooper's

Bar to do a "Cocoon" remake

about a bunch of losers

who think they're cool.

That's not how I saw Billy

Canasta's career going down.

That's for damn sure.

(ominous music)

- Nice to see you back

beneath the twinkly lights.

- Oh my God, what?

What I, I gotta get

the [bleep] outta here

before you old vampires

feast on my flesh.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Wait, what?

Where's he going?

- I think he just quit.

- Dammit, can't you

ever get me anybody

who just does what they're told.

So sick of these c*ck zero

attention span Zoomers.

You know, I'd rather

have an idiot.

Some total patsy without an

original idea in his head.

Somebody who will just holler

action, cut and go home.

[bleep] it.

Good enough for Sting,

good enough for me.

You're hired.

(upbeat music)

- Nice.

- I, I didn't know you directed

a video for the Police.

- Yeah, it was a training

film for Scotland Yard.

- We [bleep] did it.

We're making a TV show.

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel I

can never do wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there's

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel

like I don't have a ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel I

can never do wrong ♪

Sometimes I think there's

something more than I want ♪