02x04 - The Cast

[bunniefuu]

(driving music)

(car door slams)

Something in my

heart gone missing ♪

I never thought I

would lose my self ♪

But then there is no denying ♪

The fact I know I

wasn't ready for life ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

(lively jazz music)

(lively jazz music continues)

- Hey, how you doing?

Cooper Marino, actor.

- David Butler, director.

- Brandon Washington, writer.

Hey, man.

- Have a good one.

All right, boys.

(lively jazz music continues)

Listen, things might get

a little crazy for me

at this point.

I'm the star,

and people are gonna kind

of start kissing my a*s,

but I want you to know

that no matter how many

(bleep) jobs they give me,

or how big I get,

you guys always come first.

- Careful, Coops.

I'm English, I'm not

good with emotion.

- Come on.

- Hey grandpa, you gonna stand

there like a circus monkey,

or are you gonna open it up?

- Sure. Sorry.

- Coffees.

Hazelnut syrup, ooh,

it's giving me flashbacks

of my ninth grade boyfriend.

Take that.

Oh yeah, both of them.

Oh, okay.

(light jazz music)

- Cooper Marino.

- Oh, okay.

Cooper, Cooper.

- David,

help Cooper.

- Well, now you're

a big shot writer,

you can't help, Brandon?

- Brandon, here's yours.

And here's Carter's,

Flynn's and Karen's.

They're waiting for you

in the writer's room.

- Ah.

- And you're David, right?

- Yep.

- [Cassie] David Butler?

- Right.

- Director.

- Indeed I am.

- I've got you a cup of tea.

- Blimey.

- You need to head to

the director's office,

down the hall on the left.

You've got meetings with HODs.

- Cosmic.

What are HODs?

- I'm not seeing

your coffee order.

I'm so sorry. We're so busy.

We've got three

shows growing up.

- It's "Cooper's Bar."

I'm here for the

casting session.

- Oh, honey!

Yeah, you're early.

Casting doesn't start

'til this afternoon.

You know, why don't

you take a seat,

settle in, and I'll

tell you what, okay?

Help me hand out the

rest of these coffees,

and I'll put your headshot

at the top of the pile.

Okay?

(quirky music)

- Naff off, Antonia.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music continues)

- If Cooper is really just

this schlumpy, mid-level actor

with a weird little

bar in his backyard,

why are we making

a show about him?

- I see where you're going.

He's a spy,

an elite spy.

- Cooper is as elite

as his hatchback.

- I'm thinking Mossad.

- Mossad without saying Mossad.

- Right, deep state mind control

(bleep) shadow government.

- Yeah, a far

reaching conspiracy

we never have to explain.

- Or, can I try a pitch?

- Sure. Brandon, go ahead.

- In my mind, I'm thinking

why don't we kind of go

with what actually happened?

- I don't get it.

- I see a show

about a straight talking guy

who puts his friends

above himself,

and his common sense

triumphs over the myopia

of these Hollywood elites.

- I'm not really feeling it.

How would that work exactly?

- Okay.

Cooper Marino

lures a studio exec

into a hot wings

chicken eating contest.

(chicken crunches)

(crowd chatters)

That Cooper Marino

ultimately wins.

(crowd cheers)

- [Crowd] Cooper!

Cooper! Cooper!

(writers laugh)

- Wow, Brandon.

Why don't you take

a breather outside

and write some more cold opens.

(quirky music)

- [Receptionist] Remmet

Studios, front desk.

- Get your face away from that.

Did you just breathe all

over my (bleep) chagaccino?

How do you expect

these mushrooms

to fortify my immune system

if they're all mixed in with

whatever you just exhaled

out of your face an*s.

- What the hell are

you even doing here?

- Well, it turns out I have

something Cyrus Long wants.

- Oh, what is he

looking for? Jesus?

- Even better. Talent.

You ever heard of

Britney Lasker?

- Yeah. Everyone's

heard of Britney Lasker.

- Yeah. Her Netflix

special, "Come Inside,"

went stratospheric.

But did you know that

she's a Christian?

And she's in an overall

deal with me at Ascension?

- Her special was an hour

and a half of (bleep) jokes.

- I know, right?

Christians, they don't even

pretend to give a (bleep).

(glass squeaks)

It's hilarious.

I mean, word on the

street is that Cyrus Long

is looking for a star to

headline his new sitcom.

- Bullshit.

- Well, I certainly didn't think

he was gonna risk his

studio on some has been

trying to get his SAG hours.

And lucky for me, buying

Britney's contract

is not gonna be cheap.

(light jazz music)

It's fine.

- You look amazing.

- Ms. Latimer, we really

need to get you to

(Cassie gasps)

Oh my God.

Oh my God, you're

Britney Lasker!

- What? I am?

- I'm your biggest fan!

Oh, Cooper, get Ms.

Lasker her coffee.

- Thank you so much.

(Britney screams)

- Cooper!

Mr. Long will see you

both straight away.

- Oh, great.

- Follow me.

He's funny.

- Okay.

Thank you.

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music continues)

(Griff knocks on door)

- Come in!

HODs are in the house!

Don't tell me. You are

a production designer.

Too easy.

(light jazz music)

- I'm a DP.

- I love production.

The camaraderie of the set,

working towards a common goal.

Sharing your fears, your dreams,

making something

beautiful together.

Falling in love over

the sound of film stop

spooling through the reel.

(indistinct)

Bear skin rug.

And the movie doesn't sell.

There's acrimony.

You get behind on your bills,

you lose your house.

She leaves that beautiful house.

(Griff clears throat)

So you set out to America,

and you make a new start.

And it's "Cooper's Bar."

No, no, no, no. Don't,

don't, don't do that.

Don't do that.

It's all in here.

Don't worry.

This captain is

gonna sail this ship

through the rocky

waters of half hour TV.

- Are all these

red dots cameras?

Are you saying every wall

on the set has to be wild?

I mean what?

- Wild. Yes.

A wild, wild set.

Let's look at this

in baseball terms.

You're the bowler.

- Pitcher?

- Why not?

And I'm the wicket keeper.

- Catcher?

- Yeah, hopefully

with that big glove.

But we're playing

on a sticky wicket.

You want to bowl a maiden over,

so you lub up your googly.

It gets tickled

down the fine leg,

or blasted through silly point.

Penetrating the covers.

Not to worry,

because I will be

covering your stumps.

- I have no idea what

you're talking about.

- Baseball. It's

just like cricket.

Could you send in the

costume department?

- I guess (bleep)

(playful music)

- Oh, clothes.

(Cooper snores)

- [Receptionist] Remmet Studios.

- Cooper!

Hey, you ready to start

casting this bad boy?

- Yeah.

(executive groans)

- Gummy bear a*s.

You can have that. Come on.

They're all waiting

for us on stage.

I'll meet you in there.

(playful music continues)

(playful music continues)

- Hey.

- Hey.

Is this your office?

- Yep. My own personal fiefdom.

- Wow. Hmm.

So how'd it go this morning?

- Good. Good

Good.

- Good. That's really good.

How was your morning?

- Good.

- Look out, look out!

Director coming through.

Come on gentlemen.

We've got a show to cast.

(desk scrapes)

- Wait!

- The Hollywood dream machine.

I love the smell of

celluloid in the morning.

- Nobody could smell sh*t

over that cheap a*s cologne.

- Brandon, just get back

to that broom cupboard

and write some half-baked jokes.

- Really, guys? Guys, guys.

That's Zora Leone.

She's the biggest

casting director

of multi-camera television,

and I've auditioned for

her a million times.

She never, ever hires me.

I could do Olivier-level work.

Not even a callback.

- Team Cooper!

Zora.

- David Butler, director.

- Hi. Cooper Marino

playing Cooper Marino.

- Zora Leone, casting.

Hello, Cooper.

I didn't realize you were

still alive. Good for you.

(light jazz music)

We've got a lot of

talent in today,

and we are thinking we'd

like to have you read.

- Oh me read? Me read?

You want

You, I'm,

I'm reading?

Jesus Christ.

Get Cyrus Long down here

right now, all right?

I bust my ba*ls in this

bullshit business for 30 years.

I burnt my as*h*le

for this role,

and I get here and I spend

the morning as the coffee boy,

and now you're asking

me to (bleep) read?

I gotta read?

- With the other actors,

who are auditioning

for the other roles.

- Oh.

- He can do that.

- Okay. I can't.

I can't. I can't do this.

- You can't read with

a couple of actors?

- Dave, I'm the wacky neighbor.

I'm the gas station attendant.

I'm the salty cab driver.

I go in, I say my lines,

I don't drop the props.

I get a few laughs.

Everyone says,

"Great job, Cooper,"

and I go home.

I've never been

the lead of a show,

or anything.

- Cooper, brother,

you have to believe.

- Yeah. Even if

you don't believe,

act like you believe.

- Yeah, Coops,

you are the star,

the head honcho,

the big cheese,

the grand fromage.

- Right, right.

- Right!

It's my show.

- Yeah.

- It's my show.

- Yeah.

It's my show.

- Guys, are we doing this?

We have a pilot to cast.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're doing it.

Shall we call a first actor?

(percussive music)

(percussive music continues)

- Cooper, you geezer!

I love a cup of tea.

(casting execs laugh)

And you can tell that

pizza to get stuffed.

- [Cooper] Double shot

coming right over.

- [Peter] That's wrong.

I'd love a cup of tea.

- [Cooper] I'll heat

up the buffalo wings.

- I want fish and ruddy

chips, you w*nk*r.

- Oh my God, Peter,

you are the funniest.

- Dying. I'm dying.

- Well, Barstow River

College, what do you expect?

- Can I be the one who says it?

- Yes.

- Peter, you're hired.

- Namaste.

(light jazz music)

- Listen, Zora, how

is the cabin in Aspen?

- Cooper, you can't

let this happen.

Nobody talks like that.

- You do.

- No, I don't.

Come on, Cooper.

You gotta overrule.

- I like him.

- Welcome to the Cooper-verse.

- He's as English as a

pumpkin spiced hot dog.

- Now, well maybe that's funny.

- Alright, I'm the

director. I'll overrule,

or this show is

gonna get canceled

before they've even

started filming.

- Sit down.

- (Bleep) now.

(percussive jazz music)

- She's planning on

squeezing me out,

which means you're

out too, Brenda?

- Not if we go with the plan

that's just been

hatched by Cooper's

newly promoted director of

social media content creation.

Hey!

- What?

- We do not need to

see one more second,

because what could

be better than that?

- We found our Brandon.

- You are hired.

- Yeah!

- Good. Good job.

(Tina cries)

(light jazz music)

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you!

(Tina cries)

- Cooper, seriously?

You can't let that happen.

- Oh, I'm fine with it, Brandon.

- You know it's not right, Coop.

Brandon's not Brenda.

- What do you expect me to do?

These guys actually have

experience making TV.

Have either of you considered

they might know

what they're doing?

- Cooper, you are the star.

- Yeah. And you're the writer,

and you're the director,

so why don't you

write and you direct.

I could give two shits

about production.

I have a script and someone's

gonna tell me where to stand.

Job done.

So either sit there

sipping your coconut water

and eating your

shrimp c*ck,

or do your jobs.

(quirky music)

(Cooper sighs)

- You're doing a good job.

- Vita Coco, spiked

with Captain Morgan.

It's lovely.

- Mm-hm.

- Well folks, look

who I just freed

from the clutches of

her Ascension contract.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present the future

of our historic studio,

Britney Lasker!

- Oh my god!

Britney Lasker!

- The one and only,

and believe it or not,

she's willing to play Kris

Latimer and "Cooper's Bar."

- [Karen] Oh my gosh. Thank God.

- Want you to meet the team.

- Hi, hi, hi!

- Oh my God, no way!

I mean, "Eat Out of

This" is literally

the best show on television.

I mean, I

Okay, I gotta ask,

is that really your,

you know on the poster?

- Oh, sure as sh*t it is, girl.

A selfie of my armpit.

- Oh!

Okay?

Or is it?

- Oh my god.

I mean we have a real

star now, an A-lister.

And a D-lister.

- [Zora] Yeah. We might

actually get on the air.

- Do your job, director.

- Hi. David Butler, director.

I have to hear you read.

- Read what?

A bed time story?

(Cyrus laughs)

- Or not read.

Also good.

Would anyone want a Vita Coco?

- No. Hey, I, dude,

I'm (bleep) with you.

I'll read.

Sure. Where's the,

where's Cooper?

- Oh.

- Oh.

- Coffee guy!

(percussive jazz music)

I sent down my dildo

of development.

- Thank you. My line.

- Down here with

one simple task,

but she couldn't even do it.

So I'm taking matters

into my own hands.

Listen here, you little runt.

I haven't worked my

way up to the top

of the Hollywood food chain

for men like you

to ruin it for me.

(Britney imitates g*nf*re)

- Cut. That's not in the script.

- Excuse me.

Brandon, you are

just the writer.

Only the director

gets to say cut.

- This is TV and

the writer is king.

- And the director

is the president,

and we're disbanding

the monarchy.

- Oh, well when the

president's a p*ssy,

somebody's gotta step in.

- Oh, and that's you, is it?

Hollywood's gone

right to your bonds.

Get off my set.

You can't kick me off

the set. I'm the writer.

- And I'm the director.

(Brandon groans)

(people clamor)

- Who gets to say cut? Huh?

Who can say cut?

- Brandon! Brandon says cut!

- [Brandon] And cut!

- Come on, come on.

- Okay, okay, all right.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm the director.

I walked in, that's my crew.

- That's just not cricket, mate.

- [David] Get off!

Take me to Mark.

- Of course not.

- I'm sorry.

- No, I can't. I can't.

I'm sorry.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not doing that.

- This is just normal

creative differences.

It happens all the time.

It's just part of the lively

process of great television.

- Don't know what

you are saying.

That's psychotic.

I love you, Cy.

I just, you promised me

that I'd be able to play,

and I'm just, I'm not

gonna be in the sandpit

with those chumps.

It's not happening.

- Britney, Britney. No, look.

You don't have to be.

Look, Cooper's a

professional, an old hand.

This could be his last shot.

And he knows that you have to

have the right creative team.

Even if that means replacing

his oldest friends,

right, Cooper?

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel

like I don't have a ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more than I want ♪