02x06 - The Premiere

[bunniefuu]

- [Cooper] My grandfather

was a bartender.

My father was a bartender.

Me? I'm a spy.

- Please, I can't take it.

I can't go on.

Please, make it stop.

- You said you got this.

- Sure.

At Quantico they took

it to six or seven.

I've seen drunk guys hit

eight or nine, but 10?

It'll k*ll me.

- Cold blimey, governor.

We'll be brown bread.

- A steely resolve is

the only damn thing

that's standing between

us and total annihilation.

- Coops, use your lump of lead.

- Kris, I don't know anything!

I'm telling you, these

guys are my buds.

I just loved Brenda's script.

- No one believes you, Cooper.

(dramatic music)

I've had my team at the

NSA read and re-read

the entirety of "Army

of the Unwanted."

It is so nonsensical

that it is clear

that something else

is going on here.

It's a code.

Give me the cipher or tonight,

you meet your maker.

(ominous music)

(electric buzzing)

- Hm, you finally made me laugh.

(grunting)

- End this calumny.

The cipher dies with me.

Ha!

Hiya!

Hiya!

Ya!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow, ow.

Ow.

My hip's locked.

Son of a b*tch, ow.

- Cut.

Cut again.

Cut, cut, cut! Jesus!

(upbeat music)

- Ow.

Where where

are we going from?

- From the line you

can't seem to remember.

- Ow.

- Evil is only as strong as

bureaucracy's weakest spine.

Okay?

And then ka-cha, you

karate kick the battery

right into Kris Latimer's head.

You got it?

- You know, I've gotta

be honest with you,

the whole bureaucracy thing,

it's a little much, honestly.

Calumny, give me a break.

- It's calumny,

and I don't know,

because I've never

heard it said right.

- Hey Coop, do you

wanna just take it

from where you're sitting?

- Cooper, sit.

Can everyone please, please

give Cooper some space.

It has been a very long

time since he has had

a real acting job, all right?

So, hashtag respect

the olds, okay?

We got this, you

guys, we got this.

- Hey Cyrus, I mean come on,

how many more takes

do I have to give him

before we just pull the

plug on his life support?

How many?

- Hold on.

Cooper, you promised that this

ludicrous tiki bar redress

would put you in your groove.

Show me that we have not

wrecked this set for nothing.

Let's keep going.

- All right, let's

take it from please.

And please, if Pooperston Kino

doesn't get it right this time,

just bring me a (beeping) g*n.

(crew chuckling)

- [Billy] Quiet on set!

(sighing)

Action!

- Ah!

Gah.

End this calumny now.

The cipher dies with me!

Evil's the spine of bureaucracy.

And

We

(beeping)

Do we really need

the karate kick?

- It's not karate, it's

Krav Maga, you idiot.

And it's how he knocks

her out, dumb a*s.

It should not take 27 takes

to get one simple kick.

It is day one and I am

already three days behind.

Cyrus!

I need a word!

(sighing)

- Evil's only as strong as

bureaucracy's weakest spine.

What a mouthful.

What the (beeping) does it mean?

And then a karate kick?

I should just quit.

- They don't

deserve you, Cooper.

- It's not your fault.

You've got this lunatic

yelling in your face.

That's not directing,

that's abuse.

You need someone

who's got your back.

A good director would

be offering you support.

- Yeah, like a pair of crutches.

I'm too old for this (beeping).

- Such bull (beeping), man.

You just need better blocking.

- Yeah, and dialogue that

doesn't sound like it came

from the Waitrose Catalog.

- End this calumny?

No!

End this crazy (beeping) bull

(beeping) mother (beeping).

The cipher dies right here.

You slime bag suits gotta

go through me first.

- Whoa.

I love that, Brandon.

- And then we tap into your

superpower for the stunt.

Hi! Hi!

Ha!

- My secret agent ability

to make a mean c*ck.

- Ethan Hunt in "c*ck."

- That does not sound

like a bad idea.

- [Billy] We'll get an MMA star.

- Forget it.

- [Billy] This guy's

blowing up right now.

- They're hashing out my

letter of termination.

- Let's talk to Antonia,

get some avails.

- Yes, yes, let's do that.

- Antonia!

- Okay, okay.

- You little prick.

- Bollocks to this.

We need that Dunkirk spirit.

Never give in.

Never, never, never, never.

We shall go on to the end,

we shall defend our show,

whatever the cost may be.

We shall fight in the studio.

We shall fight in the bar.

We shall fight in

craft services.

We shall fight in

hair and makeup.

We shall fight in the set.

We shall never surrender.

- Dave, we're not saving

Europe from German a*tillery.

- No, we're saving Cooper's Bar.

I'm gonna get your take 28.

Guys.

I've got an idea.

- Sure, yeah.

- [Crew] Rolling.

- Hey, did someone

just say rolling?

What?

- Britney Lasker's Cooper's Bar,

director David Butler.

16 delta.

Take 28.

- All right, settle.

And action!

- Ah!

End this crazy (beeping) bull

(beeping) mother (beeping).

The cipher dies right here.

Ha!

You slime bag suits gotta

come through me first.

Ha!

(dramatic music)

(shimmering)

(dramatic music)

- What the (beeping)?

Cut!

Cut!

(thudding)

- Holy (beeping),

Coop, you did it!

(cheering)

- Way to go, man.

- That was amazing.

So authentic, secret

agent bar man.

And that slime bag

suits line? Loved it!

- That was my line.

- Like I always say, the

28th time is the charm.

Right, Billy?

Bill?

Oh crap, cut.

- Check the gate,

that was amazing!

- It's digital,

but we got it, bro.

I would storm the

beaches of Normandy

with this guy any day.

- Yeah!

(applauding)

(cheering)

(light jazz music)

- Your first network premiere.

This is a big effin deal.

- They're screening it on stage

for the four major networks.

- Look at you,

Cooper B. DeMille.

- A bidding w*r could

change everything, Mary.

I mean, I can't

even think about it.

I'm gonna have a panic attack.

Cyrus says we need

to play it cool,

we can't look too thirsty.

Oh boy.

(clearing throat)

- I'd like to thank the Academy

and my 9th grade

teacher Miss Gilmore

for being the very first person

to believe in me as a writer.

- And I wanna let you

into a little secret,

this was the first episode of

television I ever directed.

(chuckling)

- Guys, we're supposed

to be playing it cool.

- Put it on.

This might not happen again.

- Oh boy.

- Welcome.

Welcome to a very special night.

Rarely as a head of a

studio have I ever been

as confident as I am right now.

- Woo.

- You know what I

think of loyalty.

It goes to the highest bidder.

(crickets chirping)

So as you reach for

your checkbooks,

I would like to

raise a gin and tonic

to the star of "Cooper's Bar!"

Britney Lasker.

- Oh, h*, h*!

I am such a klutz.

Such a klutz, hold

me up, okay, hello.

One second.

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Get outta here, bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

I mean, look, this business

literally kills me.

(audience laughing)

You know, it's like

people always ask me,

they're like, who do you have

to (beeping) to get the part?

I'll tell ya who you

have to (beeping).

Mic. Right here.

(audience laughing)

It's been a long time,

I've been in Hollywood

a long time, okay?

I don't know where my

show would be without

my esteemed co-star

Cooper Marino.

Didn't realize that the

AARP had a boy band.

(audience chuckling)

Come on, get up here, come on.

So, when Cyrus told me that

he was casting Cooper Marino

he was in a panic.

He was like, I

just cast this guy.

He's a nothing,

he's a washed up nobody

no one's ever heard of.

And I was like, no, no!

No.

This is Cooper Marino.

Who is that?

(audience laughing)

No, come on, he's

been acting forever.

He is the star of an infinite

number of self tapes.

(audience chuckling)

So you are about to

see Cooper Marino,

as you have never

seen him before.

Because you have

never seen him before.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Cooper Marino!

Get over here, come on.

Hold it up.

Hold it right up to your

- Thank you.

- All right, let's go, come on!

- Okay, say listen,

thanks for coming

and we just want

(funky music)

- [David] My grandfather

was a bartender.

My father was a bartender.

(crowd murmuring)

- What on earth is

going on, Antonia?

- Don't worry, I got this.

I once found electricity for

a Madonna concert in Aleppo.

(ethereal music)

- Seize the hard drive,

laptops, I want the DCPs.

All these marketing materials.

(clapping)

All right, nobody leaves

until the IP is secure.

- Hey, that's mine.

- Actually, Coops, it's mine.

Everything in here is mine.

- Security!

Escort this woman out of here.

- Sorry, Cyrus, your

security works for me now.

Everyone in here

works for me now.

You guys should read Deadline.

(beeping)

- The Ascension Network

just bought the studio.

Kris Latimer is the

new chairperson.

- What?

- Chairman.

That's what they call

you when you make deals

that necessitate

big, hairy ba*ls.

And the first move

I'm gonna make

as head of this company is

to (beeping) can this turd.

Ha, so, you're welcome.

"Cooper's Bar" is canceled.

- Okay hang on, hang on.

Okay, just hang on for a minute.

Please.

(beeping)

Damn it, at least

let us screen it.

Why do you have such a

(beeping) for my failure.

- If your failure gave

everyone (beeping),

they would discontinue Viagra.

- There's four networks standing

over there eager to buy it.

Just let us screen it.

People busted their

asses on this, it's good.

- It'll be Ascension's

first big deal.

- A bidding w*r.

- Yeah, it'd be the perfect

way to start your tenure.

A win-win.

- OMG! You're right, a win-win!

Something for me and

something for you.

You know what, I never

even thought of that.

No, not once.

Not while I was wondering

if I would ever get

the hot sauce out of my veneers.

Not while I was

dusting off my resume

to take a second rate job

at a religious programmer.

And not once while I was

gobbling up Cyrus Long's

outstanding debts so that I

could take over this studio.

Not once, ever.

What sandbox of toddlers do

you think you're playing in?

- You know none of

that is my fault.

- Yes, it is!

And I am going to bury

Cooper's Bar so deep

you're going to need a

proctologist to find it.

Okay, party's over!

You can go molest

your assistants now.

- Kris, I just

wanna say, congrats.

I am so excited to be back

in business with Ascension.

I have so many ideas,

we'll talk later.

I have a comedy, Mary Magdalene.

- Brilliant.

- [Britney] Right?

- Idiot.

Hey, hey, hey, make sure

you run a magnet over that.

- Smart move, Chris.

The tax write off

alone should put us

in the black for this quarter.

- I'm sorry, us?

- Well, you're now my boss.

- No.

- Then who should I report to?

- The unemployment office.

You're fired.

- Not so fast, Latimer.

You obviously have

not given my contract

a very careful read.

I provided for just such a

hostile corporate takeover.

- Your contract is

superseded by Ascension's

moral hazards clause.

You made a bar show, Cyrus.

And while Ascension's viewership

may be mostly

porn-addicted alcoholics,

they do maintain the

right to hold you

to a higher standard.

Christians! They

got a vengeful god.

- Oh my god, Kris, no!

I just bought a

palacio in Tulum.

- Your job is safe.

(clearing throat)

I intend to t*rture you every

last second of your contract.

- Oh my god, oh my god,

yes, Kris, thank you.

Thank you.

- Okay.

Yep.

Got a job for you.

Just inventory that (beeping).

Well, at least now

you can go live out

your father's dream

and open up a chain

of pathetic bars in Buffalo.

- I can't do that.

You own that too.

- Oh that's right, I do!

Your family's name.

The whole brick and

mortar franchise.

Jesus!

You just tossed it away on

this empty Hollywood dream.

- It was our retirement plan.

- Mm.

- What the (beeping)

do you want, Kris?

You already got everything.

- Not quite.

I want Brandon's screenplay.

"Army of the Unwanted."

Free and clear.

If Ascension holds the

rights in perpetuity,

you can have your bar back.

- Okay.

- Wait.

- All right.

You want my buddy's screen play.

How about this?

Cooper's Bar belongs

to us, in every sense,

brick and mortar.

And we get the TV rights back.

- You can have Cooper's

Bar back, brick and mortar.

Go pour drinks in your

sad little hole somewhere.

I don't give a (beeping).

But Ascension Network

holds the TV rights.

- No! No.

No deal.

- Cooper!

How long are you gonna

let this business dictate

who you are?

I'm done.

I'm done.

- Mary, hang on.

Mary, wait a second.

- Wait, hold on a

second, guys, wait.

Wait, Mary.

Cooper.

She can have "Army

of the Unwanted."

("Taps" playing)

And we keep the bar.

("Taps" playing)

- Brandon then you

and I got nothing!

- Hey, David.

- Yes, Kris?

- (beeping) off.

("Taps" playing)

(somber music)

- Good riddance, Hollywood.

The last big shindig

at Cooper's Bar.

- Buffalo, here we come.

- The bloody moving

van's outside already.

- Yeah, what's the rush, Coop?

- There's nothing here for us.

- What, so you're just gonna

leave and run your dad's bar?

- Amongst other things.

- Maybe I should

move to Buffalo.

They have Uber there, right?

- Yeah, you just

need a snow plow.

- And it's fantastic,

everybody is depressed.

I am going to build a

hugely unhealthy practice.

- You know Coops,

I was thinking.

Maybe I can work the door.

- So, where's our star?

- Am I seeing a ghost or is

that Cyrus Long in Cooper's Bar?

- Guys, there

really is something

we could all do in Buffalo.

- Gentlemen, y'all still

have the movie rights.

- How?

- Golden parachute magic.

- We are gonna make "Cooper's

Bar" into a blockbuster

and we don't need to be

in Hollyweird to do it.

- Guess where the

hottest tax credit is?

- Buffalo, baby!

- Holy (beeping).

- And in fact, I'm holding in

my hand the perfect sizzle.

- Is that the

- You stole the pilot?

- Ha, ha, ha.

Cooper's Bar, episode one.

(funky music)

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more that I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can't ever be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more that I want ♪