01x09 - One Bad Mother

[bunniefuu]

[Moaning]

Sharon, what are you doing?

I thought you said yoga

was only good for the pants.

It's not yoga, Ms. LA. It's stretching.

And you can tell because

I'm not surrounded by girls

with good bodies and evil eyes.

[Groans]

I'm just trying

something to help my back.

It's k*lling me this morning.

I slept funny again.

Oh, you "slept funny"?

That's your story?

What are you talking about?

You did it again last night.

Every time you take one of those

sleeping pills of yours,

you end up in bed with me.

You were there for

half an hour before you

finally wandered back to your sofa bed.

Oh. You know I have a hard time

sleeping when I travel.

Those pills are the only way

I can get my beauty rest.

And if you were so upset,

you could have woken me up.

I know. But you're so cute

when you're sleeping.

Plus, it's been a long time

since I was cuddled.

Mother Raines, Auntie Sharon,

do you mind if I store

a few things over here?

Lane's mom comes today,

so it's the parental purging

of the apartment.

We have to Barbara-proof.

Wait, you didn't hide things

when I got here, did you?

No, 'cause you didn't tell us

you were coming.

Yeah, so we didn't have time

to hide Jackie's

"neck massagers" under the bed.

Lane! Those are therapeutic.

I have a repetitive motion injury.

Yeah, and I think I know what

that repetitive motion is.

So, all the way from Ohio.

Are you picking her up from the airport?

Oh, are you gonna make

her one of those big signs

so everyone knows how much you love her?

- I've always wanted that.

- Mm-hmm.

No sign.

She thinks my handwriting is too swirly.

She's very judgmental.

She makes Simon look like Paula.

That's why I have to get rid of anything

in my life that would invite rebuke.

So, I'll be back for you on Monday.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're purging me, too?

I'm purging everyone.

My mother can be very brutal.

She'd tear you apart, Jackie.

[Scoffs] Why?

Just because I'm aggressively single

and I have that foot thing?

And I'm listed as

"undesirable" on LinkedIn?

And Match? And Instacart?

Yeah, okay, fine. She shouldn't meet me.

It's just easier

if I don't share anything

with her that she can find fault with.

I even sent Victor to

Palm Springs for the weekend.

He's perfect, and she'd probably even

manage to find something wrong with him.

Ha! Is this a Bruno Mars shower curtain?

Yeah. My mom says that his songs

are "premarital intercourse

music", so he had to go.

Ooh, Jean, this is one shower curtain

that wouldn't make me mad

if it was stuck to me.

My mom lands in 15 minutes.

Lord, give me strength.

Oh, if she's really that bad,

why don't you let me

help you entertain her this weekend?

I could take some of

the pressure off you.

Oh, my God! Would you really do that?

I thought you were purging everyone?

I don't need to purge Mother Raines.

Everyone loves her.

Mother Raines' positivity will

counteract my mom's negativity.

She's pure sunshine.

I'm sunshine, Jackie.

Okay. I'm off to the airport.

Let me just get one last look at Bruno.

That'll have to hold me this weekend,

because my mom sure won't.

♪♪

♪♪

What's up? One Crock-Pot, as requested.

Ah. Thank you.

I need to get this

chili started if it's gonna be

three-alarm in time

for our barbecue tomorrow.

What are you bringing?

[Australian accent]

Some shrimp for the barbie?

Oh, boy.

Wouldn't let anyone get away

with that but you.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Is everything all right?

Did you injure yourself on my property?

'Cause Jean signed a waiver.

Oh, it's just my back.

This sofa bed is bad, Danny.

- Oh.

- You did a bad job buying it.

[Normal voice] Oh. She's cranky.

Hey, you have an empty room.

Would you mind if Sharon

stayed over there with you

- for a few nights?

- Yeah, sure.

She's always welcome at my place.

Oh, great. I get the evil sofa bed.

My back doesn't matter.

It's not like I have to go work,

or have a boyfriend.

I'm awake all night

hating myself anyway.

Oh, sweetie, you don't have to do that.

I'll drop you off at Freddie's

on my way to meet Lane's mom.

You can stay there.

And I guess I'll take

my suitcase over to Danny's.

Oh, I miss you already.

I miss you, too.

She's just across the yard.

Ask Danny if I can come over later.

Danny, can Jean come over later?

- Please don't say no.

- Mm.

What's happening right now?

- Ohhh.

- Oh!

Okay.

- Oh, he said yes!

- He said yes!

But no sweets after 10:00.

Why are you talking to us like that?

Yeah, we're adults, Danny.

[Door closes]

[Both laugh]

Look, and they're offering me

my own office

and my own parking spot.

Ooh, that's so exciting.

I could make you

breakfast in the morning,

and then you could put your

suit on and go off to work,

and then you'd just be gone all day.

You really think I'd have

to wear a suit?

Don't think about what you're wearing.

Just focus on being gone all day.

Sorry. Living together takes

some getting used to.

And when two people work from home,

it's like a quarantine that never ends.

Knock, knock.

You know, saying "knock, knock"

isn't the same as actually knocking.

Oh, sorry.

[Knock on door] Knock, knock.

Your very special house guest is here.

Are you ready for some fun?

Hi.

What? Ugh. Man.

Something's leaking in my bag.

- Oh.

- Perfect. I'll be right back.

She's only here for two days, right?

Don't say it like that.

You used to love hanging

out with your sister.

Yeah, it'll be fun.

We can take her out with us tonight

to celebrate Freddie's new job.

- You got a new job?

- Yeah, well, nothing official yet,

but, uh, you know that new company

I've been telling you about?

Gramercy Games?

They e-mailed me an offer.

I would oversee Java Python integration.

He gets his own parking spot.

Oh, my gosh!

That's amazing!

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Keep it to yourself. I mean it.

Jackie's been sending out

her résumé for three weeks,

and she hasn't had

a single job interview.

She doesn't need your good news

to make her feel worse about herself.

Yeah, I get that.

Jackie has been in kind of

a slump recently.

Maybe we shouldn't celebrate

another win for me.

Whoa. Oh! Look! Guys, a $20!

Whoa. Where'd that come from?

Okay, I'm off.

A-And just remember

keep the job to yourself,

and just know I'm celebrating with you.

[Whispers] On the inside.

- [Door closes]

- I don't like that.

No, no, Jackie is

a strong, confident woman,

and she's perfectly capable

of being happy for you,

even if her life is

a little bumpy right now.

Okay. Everything blows.

Nobody will hire me,

Lane has made me homeless,

and now my acne scrub exploded

all over my jury duty summons.

Okay, we're not telling her.

Let's drink.

- Oh.

- Mm.

Thank God you're here.

She just went through

my Amazon order history

and found out about

the Bruno Mars shower curtain.

Now she's going through my fridge,

giving me grief about buying

name brand condiments.

BARBARA: Ugh! Heinz?!

I guess someone's too good

for grabbing a handful

of packets on their way out of Hardee's!

- Help me.

- Uh-huh.

Um, there is a bottle of wine in here.

Who's the drunk?

Oh, I, uh I use that

as a rolling pin.

For making pies. For charity.

Well, get yourself a proper rolling pin.

Preferably something that

didn't k*ll your Uncle Frank.

You must be Barbara.

I'm Jean. Jackie's mom.

I brought you some of my famous

oatmeal raisin cookies.

They're Lane's favorite.

Lane hates raisins in his food.

Oh, no. Uh, I don't know what she does,

but these cookies have turned me around.

I'm a raisin guy now.

Oh. I don't do anything special.

A-A little extra brown sugar

so they crisp up on the bottom.

Save some for your mom, Cookie.

I call him Cookie because

he loves my cookies.

Oh, well, it's nice to know someone's

making sure my son is fed.

I always tell him he's too skinny.

That's what I tell him.

None of my kids listen to me.

Half the time, I can't get

them to pick up the phone.

Mine, either.

That's why I had to move out here.

Maybe you should move out here.

Jesus, take the wheel.

And my son, Freddie, just got engaged.

Oh. And do you like the girl?

I do.

Try to blink when you say

that instead of looking like

you're trying to pass a polygraph.

[Chuckles]

You've got a son-in-law, don't you?

Ha. I do.

And he is such a blessing to our family.

Oh, that's wonderful.

See, that's how you do it.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Oh.

I've got to get going.

Um, but would you and Lane

like to come over

for a barbecue tomorrow?

I'm making my famous chili.

Oh, her chili.

Mom, you know how I used to hate beans?

I'm a bean guy now.

Well, you know what? That sounds great.

We'll be there.

And I got to get the recipe

to these cookies.

Crispy bottom. Who knew?

How did you do that?

My mom laughed. It freaked me out.

I've never seen her teeth before.

I'll always be here for you, Cookie.

Thank you, Mother Raines.

- You know, this has been fun.

- Yeah.

I'm glad I got a little time

down under without Jean.

Yeah, it's pretty rude how she's

always third-wheeling us.

Now, you sure you got

everything you need?

Oh, I'm good.

Once I pop my sleeping pill,

all I need is a soft place to land

and about 8 to 11 hours to recover.

- 'Night now.

- 'Night.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Sighs] Mm.

Your guest bed is so comfortable.

Huh? Was it?

Thought it might seem a bit small.

Cramped. Inappropriate.

Ooh. No way.

The knots in my back are basically gone.

- Feel it.

- No. Thanks.

I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

You You might want to have,

uh, Jean feel it, though.

You know Jean? Your best friend?

Yeah, I know Jean. [Laughs]

- You're weird in the morning.

- Huh.

Can I get some sugar?

No. I'm sorry, but no.

No more sugar, Sharon.

♪♪

Guys. Look at this.

I got 10 Bugles stacked

inside of each other.

Dare me to eat the whole thing?

I believe in you.

Oh.

[Muffled] It's very sharp.

[Cellphone vibrating]

Okay, where does that sound

keep coming from?

It's my phone. Jackie's sitting on it.

I've missed five calls.

How does she not feel that?

Did her a*s die?

Just go get it.

Take the call in the other room.

What if it's about your job?

I can't. She'll know something's up.

[Computer dings]

Freddie, that's probably

them e-mailing you.

If you don't respond to them

soon, you're gonna lose the job.

Maybe this is a sign that

that job wasn't meant to be.

Or maybe you should just tell her.

Or maybe I should just let his job go

because there's a better job

right around the corner.

Or maybe what's wrong with you?

Just tell her.

"Jackie, I got an amazing job offer,

and your hair is matted in the back."

- What?

- Seriously. Look at it.

It's like a family of squirrels

is living in there.

Okay, come on. Do it now.

She's had her Bugle victory.

She's in a good place.

Okay. Fine.

Hey. Lincoln Financial Corp wrote back.

"Dear Miss Raines,

thank you for your interest.

We regret to inform you"

Oh, well.

Who dares me to get

15 of these on my fingers?

I do!

[Whispers] She needs more time.

Oh, welcome.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Well, thank you for inviting us.

We brought you a little something.

Oh.

You can call it a rolling pin,

if you want to pretend I'm an idiot.

Well, thank you.

There's some soft drinks inside.

You can help yourself.

Thank you.

There are coffee grounds all over this.

I know. She took it out of the trash.

What?

Also, we can't stay.

Why?

Something came up.

But you need me.

I'm your sunshine.

Yeah, turns out my mom hates sunshine.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, turns out my mom hates you.

How could your mom hate me?

Nobody hates me.

That's the only thing

people hate about me.

It doesn't matter.

She's leaving tomorrow. Let it go.

But she's your mom.

And you're my cookie.

That makes us cookies-in-law.

Oh, she would really hate that.

I'm asking you to let it go.

Um no.

♪♪

[Humming]

Sharon, I want to talk to you.

And I want you to get over here

and help me with this meat.

No.

No. And that's what

we need to talk about.

I just think given everything

that's happened between us,

I think it's best if

you just go back to Jean's.

What?

You remember Jean?

Your best friend?

- What happened?

- No, no.

And I want you to know that

I'm not rejecting you.

I just need it to be this way.

♪♪

Barbara, can I get you anything?

- Something to drink?

- Oh, I-I'm fine.

- A snack?

- I'm good.

Why don't you like me?

I do.

I think it's a blessing that

Lane has you in his life.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Wait.

You just did the son-in-law thing to me.

Oh.

I forgot I showed you my trick.

[Chuckles] Well, thanks for having us.

Jean, something's going on with

your almost-divorced landlord-boyfriend.

He said I can't sleep over anymore.

Oh, it's time for us to go.

No, no, no. W-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, Sharon, this is Barbara.

Lane's mother.

Tell her everybody likes me.

Oh. Yeah, pretty much

everybody likes Jean.

Pretty much? Who doesn't like me?

Mrs. Tyler, everybody

at Dr. Labuwi's office.

My cat loves everybody,

but she hates you.

Wh

Cats are excellent judges of character.

That's what I always say.

Can I get you a drink?

Get out, Sharon.

I don't have anywhere to g

All right, I'll check the barbecue.

We'll just leave.

- I'm so sorry about this.

- It's

So, wait, she's trying to steal my kid,

and you're apologizing to her?

What?

Oh, I see what's going on.

You two with your special little recipes

and your cute little nicknames.

You turned my son into

a bean guy and a raisin guy!

I don't even know who he is anymore.

That's ridiculous.

You call her Mother Raines!

You heard that?

It doesn't mean anything, Barbara.

You will not take my son

away from me, Jean.

No one's trying to take

Lane away from you.

It's just a meaningless nickname.

It's nothing to get upset about.

Mom, I need some advice.

Oh, Lane. Lane's mother.

You're not supposed to see me.

I have a sad life and a foot thing.

Okay. I'm gonna crack open

the trash can wine.

What happened, honey?

Well, I finally got a job interview.

A property management company.

Congratulations!

Hold on. They manage cemeteries.

They couldn't offer me an office,

and I'd have to share a cubicle

with the coffin pillows.

But it's the first interview

I've had in two months,

so I should take it, right?

No, honey. That sounds terrible.

Now, wait a minute.

A pillow is a pillow,

and a job is a job,

and it sounds like that's what

you need right now, cupcake.

I do need a job.

Uh excuse me.

What do you think you're doing?

Oh. Just mothering your child.

It's no big deal, Jean.

Come to Mother Abrams, baby.

Tell me what that feels like, Jackie.

You can't do this.

- Hey, Mom?

- Hmm?

I need your advice about something.

- Lay it on me.

- Stop it!

Don't lay it on her, Freddie.

Lay it on me.

I don't think I want that job

at Gramercy Games.

What job?

Oh. Jackie. Hey.

I-I didn't see you buried in that

woman's bosoms.

Uh, I was offered this big deal job.

I wasn't gonna tell you

'cause I didn't want you

to feel bad, but I'm not gonna take it.

- Why not?

- Why not?

- Why not?

- Why not?

Stop it!

Because I-I like the job I have now.

I don't really want to wear a suit.

I support you, son.

I'm gonna need a bigger rolling pin.

All right. You know what?

Just get your hands off of my kid.

I-I'm sorry that I adore your son,

that I treated him like one of

my own in your absence.

I-I wasn't trying to replace you.

It doesn't feel good, does it?

Mom, it's not Jean's fault

you and I aren't close.

What do you mean not close?

I flew out here to see you.

I checked a bag.

But I don't feel like

I can be myself around you!

I had to stash everything

that was important to me

so that you wouldn't judge them.

I hid my shower curtain, my boyfriend,

and my name brand relish.

Why would you buy name brand relish?

Because I can taste the difference.

Accept me!

- Jean, I need to talk to you.

- It's not a good time.

- It's important.

- Not now.

I I slept with Sharon.

♪♪

Hey, Cel. What's going on?

Am Am I leaving you?

Just getting your stuff

ready for your new office

and setting up my new home office!

Mm!

Got some bad news, then.

Uh, the job's not happening.

Is this because you didn't

call them back?

Maybe it's not too late.

Okay, um, tell them

your phone was stolen.

No, no. Tell them your computer crashed.

Tell them your fiancée died.

I have a friend who

can run a fake obituary,

then I can come back as my twin cousin.

No, I just decided not to take the job.

What? Why? We were gonna be so happy.

Because I don't think it's right for me.

I like working from home. On my couch.

I like the freedom of

being able to do what I want.

I get that.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

No. Not disappointed.

[Voice breaking]

Just want you to be happy.

Are you crying?

[Sniffles] A little.

But I probably would have missed you.

I guess we'll never know.

Well, if you want, I could

I could, like,

go to a café and work from there

for like a few hours a day if you want.

That would be amazing. Oh! Mwah!

Hey, Celia, how'd you know to shut all

this stuff down before you unplugged it?

What do you mean shut it down?

Oh, no.

Hey. I just came to collect my stuff.

I'm going back to my apartment.

What is in that acne medication?

It disintegrated the bottom of my bag.

This is real leather!

I've been putting that on my face.

God. I hate everything.

Will you hand me that tampon?

- Yeah.

- And that one?

And that one?

And my food journal?

And my unemployment check?

Are you okay?

Do I look okay?

What happened to me?

I was valedictorian.

I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.

Now the only thing I'm succeeding at

is having a lot of tampons.

[Chuckles]

Jackie, I don't know

what's going on, either.

I've spent my whole life

living in your shadow.

I followed behind you in school,

and every teacher I had

expecting me to be you,

and they were incredibly

disappointed when I wasn't.

I didn't even have

a name at that school.

I was just "Jackie's brother."

I would have enjoyed it more

if I knew it was my peak.

[Scoffs] Come on. You haven't peaked.

You're having one bad year.

I know that this is temporary.

It's only a matter of time

before the natural order

of things is restored.

Freddie, I'm glad things

are going great for you.

I'm happy for you.

I'm just sad for me.

Jackie, it ate through leather.

Let's throw the condoms away.

Yeah.

And I wanted to apologize

if I overstepped.

If?

Listen, my son calling you Mother Raines

caught me off guard,

because, you know,

you're not his mother.

But it's nice knowing

that there's someone out here

looking out for him when I can't be.

That's all you're getting.

I think she likes me.

Let me know when she's gone!

I like you, Sunshine.

Oh. [Chuckles]

[Both laugh]

Stop laughing. It's not funny.

Oh, I mean, it's kind of funny.

- [Laughs]

- You thought this

was trying to sleep with that?

[Chuckles]

Okay, it's drifting into hurtful now.

And I think maybe that one

ricocheted into me, too.

[Chuckles]

Danny, it's just the pills.

I sleepwalk. I sleep cuddle.

Sometimes I sleep pee.

Oh, well, I guess I can

count myself lucky, then.

So can I sleep over again tonight?

Yeah, I suppose so,

but I'm locking the door.

[Chuckles]

So, what does Danny wear when he sleeps?

I mean, besides you.

[Both laugh]

♪♪