01x13 - Jean There, Done That

[bunniefuu]

Reheating instructions?

"Please do not microwave our food."

I paid. I tipped.

I'll nuke it if I want to.

You're not the boss of me,

Sage L.A. Café.

Mm.

Ah, that's such a fun way

to say "shut up."

Jean, I want to make sure

I'm reading tonight correctly.

- Are we

- I washed my sheets and shaved my legs.

- Oh.

- Above the knee.

I'm doing something to someone tonight.

- [Both chuckle]

- [Sighs]

- So

- So

Oh, my God, I forgot to buy condoms.

I'm such an idiot.

I know you're too old to get pregnant.

Well, you say words funny.

No, I didn't mean it as an insult.

It's just that you're not

only sleeping with me.

You'd be sleeping with all the

men my wife cheated on me with.

And I'd be sleeping with all

the men that you've slept with.

Oh, you don't have to worry about them.

[Chuckles] Either of them.

[Sighs] Danny,

you don't have to be nervous.

I think I do.

I-I met Cheryl when I was 19.

One or two girls before her,

and that's it.

I mean, two-and-a-half

if I'm being generous.

- And lying. It was just two.

- Mm.

It's just that I've been picturing this

for such a long while, you know?

I just don't want to disappoint you.

Not possible.

- [Sighs]

- Mm.

So, what exactly

have you been picturing?

Well, I can show you the doodles

in my patient notes,

but I'd have to black out their names.

I mean, would you describe

yourself as "flexible"?

Uh, look, Danny,

this is gonna be different

- for both of us.

- Yeah.

We can't expect it

to be like when we were kids.

I'm vetoing shower sex right now.

Also, no kitchen counters

or cars or upside-down stuff.

I get lightheaded.

Those are some of my best

doodles, but that's okay.

Um, I've just got one thing.

You can't call me by another name.

Cheryl used to call me Pete,

and I didn't hate it until I met Pete.

- Deal. Okay. Let's do this.

- Oh.

- I think that counted as foreplay.

- You're the perfect woman.

- [Chuckles]

- Mm.

Freddie.

I just said don't call me

by another name.

What up?

What are you doing here?

Weird energy.

Celia's in Arizona taking a picture

in front of some magic rock

or something, so I need food.

I had to leave my place

because Lane has Victor over.

My noise-canceling headphones died

and Lane's door broke

as did his headboard.

Go Victor.

You guys want to watch the new

season of "Murderous Lovers"?

I'd love to tomorrow.

No, no, I'll see spoilers if we wait.

Can you give me a scooch here, man?

There's a lot of couch.

Wait, if we're watching this,

I call middle. I get scared.

[Grunts] I hear this is the episode

where the gardener kills his wife

and then mulches his garden

with her bones.

- [Gasps]

- I frickin' love this show.

♪♪

♪♪

- Morning.

- JEAN: Hey.

- [Door closes]

- Sorry about yesterday.

Oh, it's okay.

Maybe we were ruining it

with all our talking about it, anyway.

Yeah, that's true.

Those things are best

when they're spontaneous.

Hm.

- [Moaning]

- [Ripper barks]

Oh, Ripper, down.

Down, down.

He, uh He gets a little jealous.

Oh, that's so cute. [Chuckles]

Uh hey.

- [Ripper barks]

- Oh.

- [Chuckles]

- Yes.

- [Both moaning]

- [Door opens]

Jeannie, I need you.

We have got to start locking that door.

I just got a call from Ted Jr.

I've got to go back to Iowa.

What? Why? Is he okay?

He's fine.

That horrible wife of his

said he can't cat-sit

for Tuna Fey anymore.

- [Sighs]

- Says she's allergic to cats.

I hate her, Jean.

I hate her so much.

Oh, I hate her, too.

I booked a flight first thing

in the morning.

I got to go pack.

Oh, and you're out

of conditioner, Danny.

Nice try. There was half

a bottle there this morning.

- This isn't like a hotel.

- I'll put it back.

I'm not out of bourbon, either.

I'll put it back.

Oh, God. So unfair.

We don't get to celebrate

Sharon's birthday,

and now the mood is ruined again

for our celebration.

Mm.

Hey.

Should we go to Iowa?

What would we do in Iowa?

Each other.

Then maybe a birthday party for Sharon.

Then maybe the tractor museum.

And then maybe each other again.

Jean, I can't just pack up

and fly to Iowa.

I'm I-I'm running a seminar

on abandonment issues on Monday.

I don't think they'll find

the irony funny.

Well, we could just go for the weekend.

I know it's impulsive, but think

about how great it would be.

You said yourself our first time

should be special.

I've got an empty house

where nobody will bother us.

Well, now if I say yes,

it'll seem like

I'm just in it for the sex.

I'm okay with that.

♪♪

Jackie, sit down.

Good.

Mom called.

She and Danny are going on

a romantic getaway to Iowa.

I know. Danny asked me

to check on the house.

And you're fine with it?

[Scoffs] I'm just glad

they're going anywhere to do anything,

because that whole

will-they, won't-they was exhausting.

Well Well, I think it's way too fast.

It's weird. Don't you think it's weird?

It's weird.

I'm gonna call Mom

and tell her it's weird.

Something's definitely weird.

I don't even hear it anymore.

♪♪

Oh, it smells like home.

Oh, I didn't realize

how good it would feel

to be in my own house again.

Good God, Jean, were you burglarized?

What? No.

L.A. was an impulsive trip.

Half a glass of wine, couple of bras,

unfinished jigsaw puzzle.

This must be what it felt like

to discover Pompeii.

"Sex For One: Discovering

the 'I' in Widow."

- Oh, that was a gag gift.

- There's a bookmark in it.

[Both moan]

That is a fun way to say "shut up."

You know, there's other fun

we could have.

The kind we haven't had for months

- that we finally get to have.

- Mm.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs] Oh, that would have been so sexy

if one of those things

hadn't been yogurt.

[Chuckles] Now, take me to bed

or lose me forever!

I love a sexy threat.

[Giggles]

[Both moaning]

What's wrong?

Is there a wet spot from the yogurt?

Is this Mike?

Oh, God, Danny. I'm so sorry.

Obviously, I wasn't [sighs]

planning on bringing a man back

when I left.

Please, Jean. I-I know you were married.

I just, uh It just caught me

off guard, that's all.

I'm good. I'm good.

You want me to turn it around?

- Please.

- Okay, yeah.

Yep. [Clears throat]

Oh, you have a dog?

Had.

- Lucy.

- Hmm.

- You okay now?

- One more question.

Is that anyone?

Oh, no. That's just a vase.

- Then I'm good.

- Okay.

[Both moan]

H-He already shot her.

Why does he need to

run her over with his car?

He has to break her bones so

she's easier to stuff in a shed.

- It's always a shed.

- Always a shed.

What the hell are we watching?

"Murderous Lovers."

[Scoffs] But why are we watching it?

This show is horrible.

This is not the way the world should be.

Why would he k*ll that poor girl?

They were engaged.

I think that's why he did it.

Running someone over four times

is easier than just breaking up.

- Chips?

- How can you eat?

You people are broken.

You guys, you really

don't think it's weird

that Mom skipped town

with Danny like that?

I mean, I haven't even been

to the Valley with Celia,

and we're getting married.

Do you think they're gonna get married?

Would Would Danny a-adopt us?

What? I'd be

I'd be Freddie, uh

What Wait, what's Danny's last name?

[Scoffs] How can you

not know Danny's last name?

It's

Lane, you listen when Mom talks.

What's Danny's last name?

Okay, first of all,

I listen when everybody talks

because I'm a people-person.

That's what people-people do.

Second of all, it's, um

Jackman?

Kidman?

Hemsworth?

So you don't know, either?

So none of us know anything

about this guy.

I think it's because

he always turns

the conversation back on me.

I really like that about him.

But why does he do that?

I always thought

that was the therapist in him.

Yeah.

Maybe it's the k*ller in him.

So you think Danny's a k*ller

because you're too self-absorbed

to ask about his personal life?

I'm just saying, a dude

whose name we don't know

got our mom to skip town with him

after dating her for like an hour.

Okay, you're starting to sound

like the people on this show.

The show where people get m*rder*d

because they skip town with guys

they've only dated for like an hour?

[Music plays on television]

- [Gasps]

- [Screams]

- Yeah.

- [Exhales]

Hey, did you miss me?

Hey, did you miss me?

- Hey!

- Oh.

Sorry, my my ears haven't

popped since the plane.

Oh, wow.

You look beautiful.

[Breathes deeply]

Do you want another glass of champagne?

Do you want to go upstairs

and see what's under this nightgown?

More than anything in the world.

[Giggles]

Ooh.

[Sighs] That was the perfect night.

Uh, can I get you some breakfast?

Ooh, no time. [Chuckles]

It's Sharon's birthday.

- I've got a thousand errands to run.

- Oh, you're dressed.

Okay, um, I'll get dressed

and come with you.

Hey, maybe we can swing by

the tractor museum.

Danny, you can't just swing by

the tractor museum.

I mean, the evolution from horse-drawn

to horse-powered

doesn't happen overnight.

[Chuckles]

It's better if I go by myself.

Jean, is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, fine. Finish the puzzle.

Make yourself at home.

I'll see you later.

♪♪

I-I did all this. What is her problem?

Hey-hey!

The birthday girl is here,

and she is ready to part-ay!

[Laughs] You guys had sex.

How did you

I can always tell.

It's my superpower.

So how was it?

Uh, Sharon, a gentleman never,

uh never tells.

Oh, come on. You can tell me.

- I'm your best friend.

- No, you're not.

- It's my birthday.

- Okay, fine.

You're my best friend,

but that's your gift.

So, it's just Jean and I finally

You plowed her like a corn field.

That's one way I-I would never say it.

So we did that.

And then, she couldn't get

out of here fast enough.

Oh.

Well, maybe it was bad.

I don't think it was bad.

The guy never does.

But she would say something

if she thought it was bad.

The girl never does.

Oh, God.

You're right. It was bad.

Oh, it was such a build-up,

and now she's disappointed.

I mean, that's why she took off

out of here so fast.

She couldn't bear to look at me.

Wh Why would I try new moves?

I barely have old moves.

Just tell me what you did,

and I'll tell you

if you did it right or wrong.

M-Maybe show me.

Here.

This pillow is her head.

And if you don't know

what this pillow is,

- then you definitely did it wrong.

- [Door opens]

Sharon.

What are you doing here early?

I don't have anything ready.

You're not born for another

2 hours and 27 minutes.

Okay, well, I'll come back when I'm born

and leave you two alone.

Give it another go.

And remember

the top pillow is just as important

- as the bottom pillow.

- You got it.

Sorry that took me so long.

- [Door closes]

- I hit the bakery

and got cornered by Andrea Decker.

Apparently, they lost committee members

for the Annual Spring Fling.

She completely roped me into

hosting the planning meeting.

What do you mean? When's that happening?

Uh, Thursday.

It's just a coffee/donut social,

but still, it's like 40 people.

But we're flying back to L.A. tomorrow.

Oh, well, actually,

I was thinking maybe

I would stay a little longer.

Oh, but, Jean, uh, remember,

I have that seminar Monday.

Oh, I know, but I don't have anything,

and like I said, it's so nice

to be home, seeing old friends.

So I thought maybe I would,

you know, stay a little longer.

Was the sex bad?

What?

Because I told you I haven't

done the sex since Cheryl.

Did I not do the sex well?

Okay, first of all, the sex wasn't bad.

And second of all,

please don't call it "the sex,"

or I don't know if I can have

"the sex" with you again.

Well, if it wasn't bad, I'm confused.

You ran out of here,

you left me alone all day,

and now you're making plans

to stay longer?

Well, so what?

Like I said, it's nice to be home.

- I thought L.A. was your home.

- Well, I can have two homes.

Rich people do it all the time.

Ellen DeGeneres has a house

just for her dogs.

What, do you mean like a doghouse,

or like a big, people house

that dogs live in

No, I'm not getting sucked in.

I thought sleeping together

meant that we were ready

to commit to something with each other.

And I didn't think

that sleeping together

meant I had to give up everything.

My whole life was just decided

in seven minutes?

Oh, well, thank you

for including the time

it took me to take off your bra.

I-I don't see what's wrong

with wanting my life here.

- This place is a part of me.

- The old part.

I'm not just gonna give up my old life

to start something new with you.

Okay, and what am I supposed to do

while you're in Iowa

planning the Spring Fling?

I don't know, Danny.

I guess you should just do

whatever you want.

Stay, go it's your call.

I guess I'll go.

Tell Sharon happy birthday.

[Door handle rattles]

- You have to lift up and pull.

- You know what?

I didn't need your help with the bra,

and I don't need it with the door.

[Door closes]

[Sighs]

[Sighs] I can't believe you broke that.

I was just trying to see

if it was a real diploma

or something he ordered

off the Internet.

At least we know his last name now.

And for the record, I was right.

Hemsworth.

Must be like Smith over there.

You guys, we have to get rid

of the broken glass

and put it back up on the wall.

Jackie, relax.

I'm just gonna put it in

the bottom of a garbage can.

He'll never know it was us.

- [Gasps]

- [Gasps]

It's always a shed.

[Eerie music plays]

So, the birthday bonanza starts

at Otis and Henry's for some apps.

- Then Hickory House for dinner.

- Mm-hmm.

And then, when we're good and drunk,

we're gonna sneak into

Andrea Decker's garden

- and steal heirloom tomatoes.

- [Laughs]

Jean, are you sure you're up for this?

Danny just left.

You must be

What? [Chuckles] I'm what?

Happy to be spending

your birthday with you?

Glad to be back in Waterloo?

- [Sighs]

- Okay, you're right.

And I only have so much time

with you before you go back.

Well, actually, I-I was thinking

maybe I'd stay around for a bit.

Really? How long?

I don't know, maybe open-ended.

You saw what it was like in

L.A. all fancy and weird.

With their valet parking

and vegan dog food.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, but the kids are back there.

Yeah, I know.

But is it really healthy

for me to live so close?

I'm worried about stifling them.

They're grown.

Kids need room to blossom.

"Stifling." "Blossom."

Jean, you'd wear those kids

as a backpack if you could.

Meh. [Chuckles]

Jackie's on the mend,

and Freddie's found a wonderful

girl to spend his life with.

I think it's time I step aside

and let Celia be

the most important woman

in Freddie's life.

Okay, enough.

- [Sighs]

- Jean, what are you doing?

You've been waiting for months

to get together with Danny.

And I did. Now, let's call a stripper.

[Chuckles]

Okay, stop.

Whatever went wrong,

I'm sure you can get past it.

I don't know if I can.

Honey, you got everything

you want in L.A.

Why are you running away?

I'm not running away.

I just decided to stay with you.

[Voice breaking] I want you.

Why are you ruining

your birthday for me?

Aww.

[Crying]

[Eerie music playing]

[Gasps]

Oh, thank God!

Danny's a drag queen.

Oh, Lane. To be that naive.

If only Danny was a drag queen.

These obviously belong

to the women that he k*lled.

- [Sighs]

- I like this for you, Jackie.

You're contaminating the scene.

Yeah, Lane. We have to

bag-and-tag for the cops.

But since you already touched it,

you may as well touch

those matching shoes.

- [Chuckles]

- Stop victim-shopping.

[Gasps]

What the hell's going on?

Yeah, that's right, bud. We found it.

We found all of it.

Where's my mom, Danny?

- Our mom.

- Where's their mom, Danny?

She's back in Iowa.

What are you doing

with Cheryl's clothes?

Cheryl's clothes?

As in, Cheryl, your ex-wife?

- Ohhhhhh.

- Ohhhhhh.

Yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah, after the divorce,

I wanted her clothes out of the house.

But, uh, she didn't have room for

everything in her new place,

so I let her store them here in the shed

while she got her closets redone.

See? I told you

he was normal, you idiot.

You're the one who said we had to

- "bag-and-tag" these for the cops.

- The cops?

- They thought you m*rder*d Jean.

- Lane.

- Okay.

- And multiple other women.

There's this whole theory

about how you lure them

into your guest house

with your low rates.

I thought you were a drag queen.

He doesn't need to know all this.

We're sorry.

We were watching our m*rder show,

and we started talking about

you and Mom.

We realized we didn't know

anything about you,

so we started digging,

and it got out of hand.

If you want to know

something about me, just ask.

I'll tell you anything.

I was born in Canberra,

I came to America for school,

and I manage a "Lord of

the Rings" fan-fiction website.

See?

He's not a k*ller.

He's just boring.

- None of these are yours?

- I'm sorry.

Hey, listen, uh,

I've been on a plane all day.

I'm really tired.

Um, let's just go inside, have a beer.

We can talk about whatever you want.

Actually, I am curious.

I found a box in your hall

closet that had two locks on it.

What's in there?

That's none of your damn business.

♪♪

It was the sex.

You flew back to tell me

the sex was so bad you had to move?

- That is a text, Jean.

- No.

The sex was incredible.

Go on.

I-I just assumed that our first time

would be, you know, so-so.

Just like every other first time.

We'd both be uncomfortable, out of sync.

I'd accidentally call you Pete.

Because once you asked me not to,

it was all I could think about.

But it wasn't like that.

It was just instantly right.

Like everything else about us.

We traveled well together.

You gave me your little

bready-stick things

from the snack mix on the plane.

- You love those bready-stick things.

- I know.

And a-as soon as we had sex in Iowa

and I was surrounded by the memories

of everything I lost before,

I realized I could lose you, too.

And it was too much.

So, to be clear, you sent me away

because what we have is too great?

[Sighs]

And, just for me, the topper is,

I was too good in bed.

[Breathes deeply]

It's scary for me, too.

Mom! You're alive!

- What?

- [Chuckles]

Oh, well, it's a long story,

but we missed you.

Aww, you missed me?

Aww, that's such a sweet thing

to come home to.

So, you are home?

Yeah.

I've got everything I want here.

My kids are here. My boyfriend's here.

What else do I need?

Uh, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Oh, no But No!

What What about

Real quick I Ah!

- [Door handle rattles]

- Hey, since when does this door lock?

JEAN: I love you guys,

but if I can hear you,

you'll be able to hear me!

[Chuckles] And Danny!

- Ugh, God. Ugh.

- Okay, we're going.

[Sighs] Why did I talk you

into moving back to L.A.?

Because you're a good friend

who wants me to be happy.

You left a couple things.

Oh, I did it so I'd have to come back.

And I'm bringing Tuna Fey next time.

I promised I'd show her

the ocean before she dies.

Just go and enjoy L.A.

I love you, Jeannie.

I love you, too.

- [Smooches]

- [Tablet bloops]

[Sighs]

♪♪

♪♪

[Moans]

♪♪