03x03 - Friction on the Close

[bunniefuu]

ALAN CARR: 'Mum was a pig in muck
that day.

'The sun was out,
the Cobblers were riding high.

'Nothing was gonna spoil her day.'

- NEIGHBOUR:
- Judas!

'Nothing.'

Hi, Jill.

'Nothing.'

Oh! Morning. Anything for me?

Oh, sod off.

'OK, maybe that would.'

-Dad?
-Huh?

Did the Cobblers lose on Saturday?!

No, we beat Cardiff City 3-2.
You were there!

The ref gave us a penalty
in the last minute.

Aw, bless him.

If we won, why am I getting
funny looks from everyone?

It's those ear muffs.
I've told you not to wear 'em.

I don't!

The muffs fell off.
It's more of an Alice band now.

I swear the lollypop lady
gave me evils.

-Ask public enemy number one.
-Oh.

I just spoke to The Chron

about being
a football manager's wife.

Your dad thinks I said too much.

Huh.

OK. "I see a lot of envy
in the street and that hurts."

"I am a person, you know."

"Cut me, I bleed."

Well, I do.

"A friendly wave from me"

"brightens up the most mundane
of Mondays for my neighbours."

What were you thinking, Mum!?

I didn't say that.

I said Tuesdays.
They're twisting my words.

Newspapers don't lie.

"And when it comes to my sons,"

"my Alan's a sl*ve
to the prune juice."

"He gets very bunged up!"

One little comment.

Why you bringing up my constipation
in a froth piece?!

It's a good job Alan and Gary
don't wanna be footballers -

their wives
having to put up with this

every time they open their mouths.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

My mum was right, I couldn't follow
in me dad's footsteps

for my wife's sake.

But I was on a different path,
and in a matter of moments,

I'd know exactly what path that was.

-Jake, what'd you get?
-Architect.

Ooh, nice!

Like Tom Selleck
in Three Men And A Ba...

-Oi, oi, Bum Boy!
-You all bunged up, Alan?

"Ooh, Mum,
stick a prune up my arse."

"Oh, please, Mummy,
it won't come out."

BOTH LAUGH

OLDER ALAN: 'So this was it...'

Next two?

'..Questionnaire completed

'and a computer had decided
our futures -

'the job you'd be doing
until the day you died.'

Chambermaid?!

She wanted a career in the sciences.

Well, she will be working
with chemicals.

Jif, Domestos...

And Alan...

OLDER ALAN: 'We all know
where this is going.

'But will it be comedian? Presenter?
Muse? National Treasure?'

GASPS

I can't go to prison!

Would a grammar school pupil
get "prisoner"?

Where is the ambition?!

No, Kay, a prison warden.

True!
There it was, in black and white.

Prison warden.
What a slap in the face.

It's like me hopes and dreams
had been put on death row.

You do get a uniform.

I can't wear head to toe grey.
Look at me!

I need a pop of colour.

I know I ticked working indoors
and meeting interesting people,

but I meant socialites
and celebrities,

not shoplifters and serial K*llers.

He deserves a second chance.

I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.

No, love, don't worry about it.
Might get something worse.

What's worse than that?!

Careers advisor.

Come on, Kay, grab your satchel.
I think we've heard quite enough.

Shut the door, please.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Quick, quick, quick, let me in.

I'm crossing the picket line here.
Social suicide.

Just checking you're all right,
what with the article.

I know you've had hate mail.

No. No, I haven't.

It's coming.

Look, I doubt most of 'em
have even read it.

Oh, Christine,
there's been a meeting.

I don't wanna speak for the
whole street,

but the words "Lady Muck" were used.

"Cow". "Silly cow". "Rude cow".

-Any more?
-Oh, it's all in the minutes.

I did try to defend you.

I said, "She's not being rude,
she's just a bit thick",

but they got the pitchforks out,
I'm afraid.

This is just what happens
with success - people turn on you.

I mean, look at Fergie.

Oh, Christine, that's it!
You gotta do what the royals do.

What, open a supermarket?

No, have a garden party!

They let all the plebs in
for the afternoon,

look at their pot plants,
then no-one minds

that they cosy up to dictators
and marry their cousins.

They're not gonna come
if they hate me that much, are they?

Christine, they'd go
to S*ddam Hussein's house

if he was giving them a free burger.

Right. You think on it, yeah?

Do this up, darling. There we go.

-SOFLTY: Molly from 26.
-Oh, hi, Molly.

Welcome.

Binbag Diane.

Oh, Diane, thanks for coming.

Oh. Oh, you shouldn't have.

Not good enough, eh?
I'll drink it myself.

Strong start [!]

Why come to something
if you know you're gonna hate it?

-Well, I go to watch the Cobblers every week.
-That's true.

- DOOR BELL RINGS
- Graham, door.

You all right?

Look, if...
if you want to invite anyone,

you can always use our phone.

Call a friend?

Bradley?

Oh, or Jake. Jake, maybe?

Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here,
so...

Yeah, why don't you call him?

Mum said she'll give me a fiver
if I stay for an hour.

Right.

Right, there we go. Er...

Salad bar.

- WOMAN:
- I'll have a burger, please.

Oh. Oh, no...

-Are you all right, Nige?
-Yeah.

-One of those, please.
-Ah, burger.

Right, over here.

MEAT SIZZLING

Good.

Did you...

-...move my sausages?
-No.

All right, lads?
Ooh, something smells good.

-Ooh, I'm... I'm Tom.
-Oh, all right, Tom?

-You all right?
-Graham.

-Tom.
-Nigel Hudson.

How you doing? You all right?

-You after a burger?
-Oh, no, no, I'm on the job.

-Boss will catch me slacking.
-Ah, I saw the skip out front.

Best years of my life,
working on a building site.

Babe magnets, aren't you?

Sitting up there
with your legs swinging.

That's how I met Ange.
She wolf whistled me.

Right. And what do you do now?

Insoles. Yeah.

We're number one supplier
in the West Midlands area.

Big demand for insoles, then?

- LAUGHS
- Just a bit, mate.

I mean, look around you.
How many feet are here?

You got, what, 20-odd guests,
two feet each? That's...

It's a lot of feet.

Yeah. No... it sure is.

And what about you, Graham,
what do you do?

Oh, here we go.
Go on, then, tell him.

I'm a football manager.
Northampton Town. Cobblers.

-Never!
-Ah.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Oh, God.
You guys are doing pretty well!

Yeah, yeah, we're doing all right.

They're really chuggin' that Dijon.

This is my eldest, Alan.

Alan, this is Tom,
he's next door's builder.

-Hello, Tom.
-You... You gonna play football like your old man?

Not unless they build a pitch
in Strangeways.

His careers advisor says
he's gonna be a prison warden.

-Ah.
-Computers don't lie.

Oh, come off it.
Computers can't predict the future.

-My wife can.
-Hm?

Yeah. Yeah, Debs, she...

She can, you know, see things.

And she's right every time.

She knew I needed a root canal
months before the dentist.

I'm trying to get her on to You Bet!

But she doesn't like
to shout about it.

This true, Debs? You psychic?

-What did I just say?
-God sake, Roy.

OLDER ALAN: 'Who needed a computer
when you had a chain smoking,

'cardie wearing oracle
at your fingertips?'

-I come bearing gifts!
-HE CHUCKLES

-Well... gift.
-Oh.

Ooh, I'm your new neighbour. Jez.

Thank you. Please do help yourself
to a wine or a burger.

Chris, look who I just found.

Oh, Ron, so glad you could make it!

-Wouldn't miss this for the world.
-It's lovely to see you.

-It's quite a turn out.
-Well, it is, considering.

Last time I let her
near a Dictaphone.

Maybe just a quick reading?

Let her eat her corn on the cob
in peace!

Move on. There's nothing
to see here. Budge up.

OLDER ALAN: 'It was my future,
I wanted spoilers.'

I predict that YOU are gonna
need a rest after all this.

Speaking of predictions,

if someone had a question about...
the future?

What do you wanna know?

Me?! God, I... I dunno.

Haven't really thought about it.
I live in the moment, me.

God, you've really put me
on the spot, you have, Debs.

-Am I gonna be a prison warden?
-Why, do you wanna be?

Do you see me
swinging round a truncheon?

Course I don't. It was a prediction.

Well, what else
did this psychic say?

Oh, no, it wasn't a psychic,
it was a Commodore 64.

I'm not following you, Alan.

I read a thing the other day

that a prisoner made a machete
out of a toothbrush,

swallowed it whole, pooed it out,
and shanked someone.

Alan!

Why are you telling me this?

That computer robbed me
of my future, Debs.

I should have some hope,
a second opinion.

-Please give me a reading.
-Maybe later, love.

I'll just finish my corn on the cob.

WHIRRING

I can't relax with you working
whilst we're having all this fun.

You sure I can't temp you to a beer?

Oh, I don't drink and drill,
Christine.

Well, there might not be
any left later.

The whole street's come.
Think they needed a bit of a lift.

Don't wanna get in trouble
with the boss, do I?

-All right. Wouldn't wanna upset Jez.
-Ha.

Why not? You've upset everyone else.

I think you've had enough.

Sorry, Debs, I know you've got
everyone bending your ear, but...

just wondering if you see
any babies on the horizon?

I think that ship's sailed,
don't you?

Ship sailed...
I am years off that, thank you!

No, I mean grand children.

Oh, right.

Always wanted to be Nanny Ange.

But Charlie's
a bit of a heart-throb.

Mmm.

I'm worried he won't settle.

Well, I'll, er...
I'll see what comes to me.

-Would you?
-Mm-hm.

You getting anything?

-It's not instant!
-I know.

-Lovely weather for it. Dry.
-Yeah.

We've had some good times,
haven't we?

We'll have plenty more, I'm sure.
Seventh in the league!

You all right?
You're not drunk already, are you?

Drunk? No!

I wish I was,
make this a lot easier.

Oh, hello!

It's funny you say about babies,
cos I can see you with a big belly.

DEBS CHUCKLES

A big, round belly.

Waddling, you are, around a shop.

-What?!
-What?

No, Debs. No!

Is Nigel the father?

It's not Ron's, is it?

Because there is a frisson.

You're not pregnant. No.

You're shoving something
up your jumper.

Oh!

Now there's an arm on your shoulder.

I don't understand, Debs.
Is this sexual?

Store detective.

Caught in the act.

I have stopped all that.

I only did it twice
for the adrenaline.

Packet of 40 denier tights
and a lip gloss.

Ooh!
Now there's blue flashing lights.

Debs, you are scaring me!

Oh, look, I'm sorry,
it's just I see what I see.

Where's that drink?

Where's my drink?

So... what did she say?

-I'm waiting for her to do me.
-You all right, Ange?

Oh, you're very pale.

She sees it all...
your darkest secrets.

LAUGHS

Oh, come off it.
It's only a bit of a laugh.

It's not a laugh, Christine.

She's got a third eye
under that fringe.

It sort of... gushes out of her,
things you do not wanna know.

God knows what she said
to Geraldine,

but she's just thrown
her wedding ring in a bush.

Oh.

No, I'd steer clear, if I were you.
Well clear.

But she can't see everything,
can she?

Everything.

She knows you better
than you know yourself.

MUSIC: 'In The Air Tonight'
by Phil Collins

Oh. Oh, my God!

Er, Graham, I've got something
I wanna tell you.

OK.

That is work done.

Ooh, Christine,

I couldn't have that beer
that you were teasing me with?

Jez, ain't you sweet,

letting your builder
knock off early.

CHUCKLES

And this shepherd's pie,
mm, beautiful!

It's actually moussaka.

Your wife's hit the lottery, Jez.

- HE CHUCKLES
- Hasn't she just?

-Er, Debs?
-Oh, I'm trying, love, I am.

-Let's leave it.
-I think I'll get there, love.

Don't worry
about the whole prison thing -

the uniform's growing on me,

and who doesn't love
a metal detector?

It's no trouble, Alan.

-Que sera, sera!
-Cos I think I'm getting some...

Leave it, Debs!

Right, gather round, everyone!

OLDER ALAN: 'After polishing off
a carafe of wine,

'Mum was ready to address
her subjects.'

All right?

Come on, don't be shy.

I wanted to thank you all
for coming.

It's lovely to see
such a big turn out.

You might hate me,
but you love a free wine!

SHE LAUGHS

No. No.

I'm sorry if my comments
in The Chron were... a bit much.

I honestly didn't
mean to patronise...

...talk down to you.

- WOMAN:
- We know what patronise means.

I never meant to put my foot in it.

Size six. High insoles.

I love you all, I do.

And if smiling and waving at you
is a crime, well, then lock me up.

-There you go, that's your first customer.
-Oh, don't.

I love seeing
your little faces light up.

MURMURING

In fact, do you know what,
I'm gonna do this again.

I'm gonna do this bi-annually.

What's £176?

Now, I know that's a lot to you lot,

but if it spreads a bit
of happiness...

Jesus Christ.

...cos I love you.

I do.

And I love my boys.
Get up here, boys.

-Where's my Alan?
-Wait!

Eat, drink and be merry!

-I'm getting something.
-Here we go, show time.

She does this when it's the big one,
OK, but she...

she can't get a signal
through the wool.

-Erm, no, actually, I hadn't...
-Ah-ah.

It's ever so clear, this one.

-Shall we do this inside?
-I can see...

Oh, you're knackered, Debs.

You don't know what you're seeing
or saying.

...clapping.

People clapping, hundreds of 'em.

Go on.

And one of those mirrors...

with the little light bulbs
all around it.

Oh. Aww, his little face, glowing.

Oh, my God.

And there's a camera.

I knew it, Mum!

-This is my future.
-Go on, Debs.

I'm gonna be famous.

Not you!

Him. Aww!

-Gary?!
-Gary?!

Me? Get in!

Ooh, I knew she had it in her.

This is not fair.
He should be in prison!

I should be the one on stage!

♪ Memory

♪ All alone in the moonlight.

♪ I can smile at the old days... ♪

Ssh! Alan. Alan, Alan, shh.

People are eating, love.
Get off that, you'll break it!

Look, I see what I see.

Yeah, well,
try seeing something else!

-Oh!
-Did you hear her? Little star!

God, the papers'll be
knocking again.

There's more.

Oh, pack it in now, Debs.
You've had your fun!

Someone... is moving on.

She's opened the floodgates now.
Come on, Debs.

Someone...

...is leaving.

Oh, I've got to go and feed the cat.

They're coming out...

...of something difficult.

They've paid too great a price.

God, all my hairs are standing up.

A secret burns inside of them.

Graham...

...I better tell you
before Nostradamus does.

I'm leaving the club.

No, it's gone, sorry.

GUESTS MURMURING

There's no more cash. I've run out.

I can't take you any further.

GLASS SMASHES

CHRISTINE: - Oh! Oh,
Graham, grab some kitchen roll!

MUSIC: 'Everybody's Talkin' '
by Harry Nilsson

LAUGHTER

Here, love, have a hot dog.
They'll only go in the bin.

We can't help it.

We're just destined for greatness,
this family.

I'm not.

Oh, Alan, since when
have you listened to your teachers?

I can't be a prison warden.

Course you can't.

You get claustrophobic
putting on a roll-neck.

I just thought that the future
would be better than...

...now.

Oh, Alan,
you'll have a brilliant future.

But... you don't need
all the answers now, do you?

That's part of the fun -

finding your way,
working it all out.

Have to find my way
out of Broadmoor first.

They are coming up
with new jobs all the time.

You could be a robot or something!

Look, I can't tell the future
like Debs,

but I know you'll have a job
you'll be proud of,

and whatever it is,
I'll be telling everyone I meet,

"That's my son."

Really?!

Cos you were pretty quiet
when I was shrink wrapping dog food

on that industrial estate.

Thanks, Mum, I needed to hear that.

As Doris Day would say,
que sera...

- BOTH:
- ..sera.

Check this one out.

So, two nuns in a bath,
and one says, where's the soap?

The second nun says...

I tried everything, I really did.

Cut so many corners.

I even mowed the pitch myself
for the last six months.

-Ah, you should have said something.
-I didn't want you worrying.

Oh, well, I'm bloody worrying now!

Well, don't.
You are flying, Graham.

-That's not down to me.
-It's down to us.

And we did it together.

Graham...

...working with you
has been the honour of my life.

Oh, come off it.

You have been more
of a brother to me...

...than my own sister.

But that gypsy woman was right.

It's time for me to go, so...

...I'm gonna stand up...

...and walk through
those aluminium sliding doors.

No! Please. Don't.

I've never been any good
at goodbyes.

Fancy a moussaka, Ron?

Ooh, that'll be lovely! Hm!

-Er, Dad.
-Yeah?

How long's Ron staying
cos I wanna watch Brookside?

Not long.

Lock up, will you?

♪ I hear the train a comin'

♪ It's rolling 'round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine... ♪

WHISTLES

♪ Since I don't know when... ♪

DOG BARKING

Quiet down!

Lights out!

♪ On down to San Antone

♪ When I was just a baby
My mama told me, "Son

♪ "Always be a good boy
Don't ever play with g*ns"

♪ But I shot a man in Reno
Just to watch him die

♪ When I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry. ♪