03x05 - Father & Son Bonding

[bunniefuu]

DJ: - 'And that was Jason Donovan
with Too Many Broken Hearts.'

-Remember this?
-'And now, in at number five...'

Remember the pressure?

- DJ:
- '..Liverpudlian powerhouse.'

Zip it, Gary Davies!
You're talking over Sonia.

"Play" and "record"... together.

Don't get the DJ in.

'..You'll Never Stop Me
From Loving You.'

- HE EXHALES
- Got it!

That was close.

Christine. I had to show you.

Before the party.

New raspberry range.

They have never done colours
like this before. Stunning.

You going door to door?
Someone's desperate for commission.

I'm not doing this for commission,
I'm doing it for you.

I've seen
the inside of your fridge -

chicken drumstick
sat on the shelf there

without so much as a bit of cling
round it!

Why you sniffing round my fridge
like a truffle pig?

And anyway,
we've got plenty of Tupperware.

Ooh, pink!

Raspberry range.

-That a 12-inch?
-Compartments.

For dips.

- WHISPERS:
- We need this.

I was thinking of inviting Jez
Saturday night.

Bit of a welcome to the close.

What's a bloke want
with a Tupperware party?

Well, just thought he seems quite...

organised.

He might be, but this is
a night for the girlies.

-I'm going!
-Just thought it might be nice to invite him.

Christine, us ladies don't have
much in this world, yeah?

But these...
these airtight stack able containers

in an assortment of colours,
shapes and sizes...

these are ours. Yeah.

We're storing more than nibbles
in there.

We're storing love,
hopes and dreams.

Plans and...

Oh, God, it was just a thought.

Anyway, he seems quite flush,
so you might've had a big order.

Well, I'll pop round, show him now.

But he's not coming Saturday.
Ladies' night.

And me!

As I said.

FROM INSIDE: Oi! Dad's on the telly!

'Has a run of bad results
affected the team's morale?'

'Well, er, no-one wants to lose
that many games in a season.'

'Twenty-two.'

'But...

'Now, let's not forget
we did well last season.

'We've got form. Well, we've just
got to find it again.'

'How are the boys feeling?'

'My boys know they have
my unconditional support.

'We've just gotta keep working.'

'Think you've worked hard enough
today. I'll let you get home.'

'No need.
There's, er, nowhere I'd rather be.'

Oh, charming [!]

OLDER ALAN: 'Trolled by my dad -
and on regional TV.'

POP MUSIC ON RADIO

All right, love?

Did you watch it? Look East?

-Yeah, I did.
-How did I come across?

Yeah, good! Really good.

It's just...

Sometimes, the way
you talk about the players...

Your "boys".
There's "nowhere you'd rather be".

Well, I think it upsets Alan a bit.

-What do you mean?
-Well, you've got two boys at home.

Oh, give over.
It's totally different.

I just think you could make more
of an effort, especially with Alan.

I'm always making an effort!

- HE STAMMERS:
- I watched that, er...

that detective woman
cycling around with her typewriter.

m*rder, She Wrote?

I don't know what she was writing.

But I watched a double bill
last week for his birthday.

His birthday's in June.

Is it?
Oh, the little...

Graham!

Christine, it's a two-way street.

Now, he doesn't bother with me,
I don't bother with him.

We're both happy with that.

SHE SIGHS

BELL RINGS

Florence Nightingale
was not just a nurse.

'My own dad didn't want
to spend time with me,

'and Ange had called me a woman.

'But with double history, I could
lose myself in ruffs and muffs.'

Alan, could you read
Ms Nightingale's quote for us?

The Lady with the Lamp.
There she is.

LAUGHTER

Isn't she just?

'Oh, being camp is like having BO.

'The more you flap your arms around,
the worse it gets!

'I needed to mask it. And quick.'

'Mr Humphries, is he free?'

'I'm free!'

'Ooh. How about I try
a spritz of Eau de Sport?'

Christine.

HUSHED: - Don't look now,
but he's just picked up sh**t.

He's reading sh**t.

What is this, Springwatch?

I-I didn't tell him to.
He just went for it all by himself.

Should I... go in and...
talk to him?

Maybe just let him
get his bearings first, yeah?

DOORBELL

No... No, no.

HE SIGHS

Oh, Jeremy.

Christine, is there a chance
that Alan's available tomorrow?

Pip went over on her ankle,

and we need someone
for our country dancing event.

I know it's last minute, but
no-one do-si-does quite like Alan.

Look, I don't think
you'll have to ask him twice.

Oh, that is music to my ears!

Alan! Mr Butterworth's here.
Wants a word.

There he is! My hero.

You wouldn't step in last minute,

give us a couple of square sets
tomorrow?

'Is this the devil himself
tempting me?

'I love country dancing!'

No.

Oh, he's playing hard to get.

Alan, go and get your hankie.

-I'm busy tomorrow.
-Since when?

I'm going to watch the Cobblers
with my dad.

-What?
-Are you?

-Oh, I...
-You'll have to try someone else.

What about Felix?
He loves country dancing.

And he makes his own costumes.

I tried, but he changed his name
after the smear campaign.

He's in a safe house in Rushden.

-Oh.
-Come on.

Pop those plimsolls on for us.

Look, Mr Butterworth, he's said no.

He's gonna watch the football
with his old man,

like every other boy his age.

You can find some other clown.

This time tomorrow,
I will be chanting on the terraces

for my team against...

Who we playing again?

-Preston. Away.
-Preston away.

-Away?!
-Yeah.

We're gonna have to stay over.

M6 on a Saturday? Pfft. Forget it.

But I'm gonna miss
my Tupperware party!

Right, is everybody here?

-Here, boss. -Gaffer.
-Great.

PLAYERS CHATTING

-Let's go.
-Oi, oi!

Don't forget about little old me!

-What are you doing here?
-I'm getting on the party bus, son.

It's not a party bus,
its a team bus.

Christ's sake, Nick,
this game's important.

I've got a free pass.

The wife's in hospital for a week,

and I wanna sample
everything that...

Where we going?

Preston. Away.

...and I wanna sample everything
that Preston away has to offer.

Is that booze in that carrier?

- BOTTLES CLANK
- No.

The-The lads need to focus.

I promise you, Gray,
you will not hear a peep out of me.

HE IMITATES
ZIP AND LOCK

HE PRETENDS
TO CHOKE

Right. Let's go.

I've got three copies of Razzle

and 200 Lambert and Butler,
duty free.

Who's with me?

PLAYERS CHEER

Read your book.

CHEERING,
LAUGHTER

SONG: '2-4-6-8 Motorway'
by The Tom Robinson Band

♪ And it's 2-4-6-8
Ain't never too late

♪ Just me and my radio
Truckin' on through the night... ♪

'This was it.

'Quality time, just me,
my dad and all his other boys.

'His goalie, his strikers...

'and those ones
that hang around in the middle.'

- ANNOUNCER: - 'It's the Cobblers...'
- Budge up!

- '..Otherwise known as Northampton Town.'
- God!

CROWD BOOS
AND JEERS

'Seeing my dad get abused
reminded me of school.

'But he didn't have a kindly
dinner lady to come to his aid.'

CROWD JEERING

♪ Come on, Cobblers!
Come on, Cobblers! ♪

You can do it! You can do it!

-Sit down, Adam. Sit down, Adam.
-Just get the ball in the net!

Th-Thanks for that.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Come on, lads! Come on.

Showtime!

- MAN IN CROWD:
- Graham Carr, you fat w...

Right. Leave the nibbles out.
I'll check the score.

'Ah, Ceefax!'

Come on, Northampton.

Come on.

CEEFAX MUSIC PLAYING

'Instant information.

'Well, if you were prepared to wait


-Gary, you got my ashtray?
-GARY MUMBLES

And you better not be eating
those crisps. They're for tonight.

-WITH MOUTH FULL: - I'm not!
-Well, come on!

Hurry up, quick. It's the next one.

SHE SIGHS

- NICK:
- Come on, lads, get stuck in!

Come on!

-Dad?
-Yeah?

Er, let's just go home.
We're not coming back from 3-0.

You might as well
let bygones be bygones.

-Paddy, grab your sponge.
-PADDY: What are you talking about?

Sit down, Alan.

Right.

Sod this for a game of monkeys.
Er, I'll see you in the bar.

Alfie!

Their left-back's on a yellow card.
Get in his face, wind him up.

Go home, you losers!

- ALL:
- Oh, sod off!

- SHE TUTS
- Oh, they got another one.

God. 4-0.

He is NOT gonna be happy.

Oh!

Feels wrong having a party
after that, don't it?

-Sh-Shall we cancel it?
-Do you think we should?

Oh, but we've got all the stuff now.

No, you know what?

Your dad would want us
to have a good time.

He would! He'd say,

"You go and enjoy yourselves.
Don't you worry about me."

But if he asks, we cancelled it.

Oh, hell. That was awful.

They weren't ALL booing.

Mine.

And now I've gotta spend a night
in this dump.

What is that?

Portable potpourri.
It's an essential.

You never know when you might
need to mask the smell of...

- HE SNIFFS
- ..feet.

I need a beer.

I'll get my wallet, then.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, you're all right. I'll, er...

I'll get one with the lads.

Well, I'm one of your lads tonight,
aren't I?

We're meant to be
spending quality time together.

W...

Yeah, we are. We are.

Right. So, I've prepared


I thought we could fill it out
together, compare and contrast.

So, question one...

Oh, this is really long.

But, er... No.

No, you're right, it'll be good to,
er... good to catch up.

You know, find out who your...

favourite female
historical figure is.

Er, I'll, er...
I'll fill it in at the bar,

and I'll see you down there.

Yeah.

♪ All I needed was the love you gave

♪ All I needed for another day

♪ And all I ever knew

♪ Only you. ♪

The perfect size
for those on-the-go snacks.

Gary, you're blocking my products.
Thank you.

Handful of walnuts in there,
few cubes of cheese.

Could fit two quarters
of a sandwich top to toe.

-No, you couldn't.
-Yes, you could.

Ladies...

You open a packet of Hobnobs,
but you only want one.

Who has one?!

You're gonna have a pack of
stale Hobnobs on your hands.

Or are you?

Simply decant those Hobbedy-nobs
into a medium-sized Tupp,

place the lid on like so,

and they'll keep their crunch
till Christmas.

She's never getting a sandwich
in there.

How big are your sandwiches?

I'm talking about ham and lettuce,
not a bloody rump steak.

Do you need to be on my pouffe
for this?

Matte finish on the lids, ladies.
Have a feel of that, Christine.

And you, Marian.

Oh, that is smooth.

Smooth, innit? Smooth, that, yeah.

Right, question.

No, you can't store wine in them.

ANGE LAUGHS

I've already got the ones
with the red and the white lids.

What's the best deal you could do me
for the blue?

Now we're off, ladies.

I know it sounds silly,
but red, white and blue

-makes me feel all patriotic.
-You know what, Christine?

I'll do you two for one on the blue,
and I'll throw in a lemon squeezer.

- ALL GASP
- Have I got myself a deal?

-Deal!
-That is our first sale of the night, ladies!

CHEERING

Oh, and you know what?
Put me down for a round one.

Cos that'll come in handy if I need
to store something round, won't it?

Can you get your fingers
out of that, Marian?

You're making it all greasy.

NICK: - Do you know
where that top'd look good?

Your bedroom floor? I've heard it.

No. On a silky padded hanger.

That's where I made my first mill.

Silky... padded... hangers.

Here's my card.

If you're a millionaire,
what are you doing in this dump?

I'm looking for a wife.

I can see you're very excited
to be the next Mrs Chalmers...

so I want you to hold on to
that thought

while I go and siphon the python.

Ah. Another round for the lads,
please, love.

And one for yourself.
And some crisps.

- RAISES VOICE:
- Not that they deserve it.

-Four bloody nil.
-Aw, don't be too hard on 'em.

I bet it's not just pints
you're pulling in here.

They keep putting the crisps
too low.

Have to bend down to get 'em.

I have told them to move 'em, but...

I think they should keep them
where they are.

SHE CHUCKLES

-I'm phoning Mum.
-What?!

No! No. It's just a...

It's just a-a bit of banter.
It's just...

Why? No! Sh-She started it!

No, I-I'm going to phone Mum,
see how the party's going.

Oh! Great, that's great.

Dying to know if she's found
anything for her malt loaf.

It's a bugger to keep moist.

-You all right, Christine?
-Yeah. Just...

Just missing my Alan a bit.

Where is he? Brownies?

No, he's in Preston with his dad
at the football. Staying overnight.

They're not back till tomorrow.

Well, Christine, why didn't you say?

Three words, ladies.

-Pip-pa Dee!
-WOMEN EXCLAIM

Oh, Ange, you're outrageous!

While the cat is away,

the mice will slip into
something more comfortable.

Check out the quality
of that pussycat bow, Diane.

Does it wash?

Does it! It's 100% polyester, that.

New one.

Devilled eggs?

Very delicate cup.

-Gary.
-NERVOUS LAUGH

-Bed.
-No! Wh-What about the eggs?

Show us that!

COIN CLINKS

DIALLING

RINGING TONE

TEAM GUFFAWING

Tell me everything.
Who made the guest list?

'Oh, hello, love.
You ain't missing a thing.'

Really boring. Proper damp squib.

SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER

Sounds it [!]

Oh, I wish I was there with you.

Oh, I know, darling. I know.

Listen, I saw the result on Ceefax.
How is he?

CHUCKLING

He's not himself.

No. I bet he needs a cuddle.

That's the last thing he needs.

'You know what,
we're finishing up now. So, erm...'

I'm gonna give you a ring
before I go to bed.

Top up?

- 'What's your room number?'
- Number?

It's barely got a door,
never mind a number.

All right, then, darling.
All right, see you later.

Bye, Mum.

'I could hear in her voice

'she had bought
that raspberry Tupperware range.

'Will that woman ever learn?'

CHEERING

- NICK:
- Oi, oi! Watch this, boys.

Fire in your holes. Boom!

- HE LAUGHS
- Cos it was a grenade, wasn't it?

Did you see it?
I clocked it, and out and out.

Cos instead of saying
"Fire in the hole,"

I said, "Fire in your holes."
Like, in the bum.

Boom!
Let's get the party started, eh?

-I've had a drink.
-HE LAUGHS

Oh, no. Let's just go to bed.

Oh, pipe down, Adam.
You're spoiling the mood.

I'll take him up to bed.

Oh, only if you tuck me in after.

Oh, God.

This is getting very unsavoury.

If I play my cards right, Adam.

If I play my cards right.

CHEERING

CHRISTINE: - I'm
trying them on down here.

Over your knickers,
unless you're buying.

SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER,
CHATTER

DOORBELL

Oh, shh! Shh!

Gary's asleep.

All right, hang on.

Heh...

SHE STIFLES LAUGH

They look nice on you, Chris.

We're just trying on some bits.

SHE LAUGHS

Go home, Nigel! Take 'em with you!

Bloody hell, Chris.

Actually, Nigel,
can I have them back?

No.

I told you, Nigel. No boys allowed!

Well, it sounds like you need a man
in there to keep you girls in check.

Well, if you know of
any big, strong boys...

Oh, God!

Maybe it's time to let the fox
into the chicken coop.

SHE CLUCKS

No. No.

No, Nigel, we've gotta go.

We've got Bin Bag Diane -

she's stuck in a corset,
and we've gotta cut her out.

OK, well...

I was just checking in.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, OK. I'm off.

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

I can see your eyes
through the letterbox, Nige.

Right. I'd like...

-I'd like to, er, buy a drink...
-PHONE RINGS

...for the best footballers
in the league.

-When they get here.
-TEAM JEERS

Alan? Is there an Alan?

-Alan Carr?
-Adam Carr.

Erm, yeah, I'm Alan.

I'm Alan!

I'm Alan! ALL: -
I'm Alan! I'm Alan!

Mum?

-Oh, mate, you've gotta help me.
-WOMEN CACKLING

They're like...
They're like witches.

Gary? I can't hear... Gary?

-Put Dad on.
-'I can't, he's busy.'

What's all that noise?
What's going on there?

Mum's drinking Cinzano
out of a vase!

Oi! What are you doing up?

-You dobbing me in?
-Help!

- 'You're off to bed!'
- Gary?!

LINE DISCONNECTS

HE GROANS

Ah, we should have won, Alan.

Look, you tried your best.

And that crowd was harsh.

You're not fat.

You're just a little bit chunky.

No, fair's fair.

You know, the fans pay their money,

they see their team
giving us a good kicking,

they're gonna wanna celebrate. Aye.

You can't take it personally.

Well, you can't, but you... you do.

It's funny...

I've always wanted you
to be a footballer.

You know, but I'd hate
for you to be called

some of the names I get called.

I mean, I can handle it.
You know, I've got a thick skin.

But you, you... you can't, no.

Well, I get called names
all the time in school.

THUD, LAUGHTER
IN NEXT ROOM

Shh.

MAN AND WOMAN
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

Oh...

THUD,
MAN EXCLAIMS

What is he doing?

HE EXHALES

He's, er...

He's showing her his padded hanger.

Oh.

-Dad?
-Yeah?

What did that man say?

What man?

You know, at the football match,
when we got promoted.

I know it's over a year ago,
but I've always wanted to ask.

What did he say?

Well, you know, there's a...

There's a lot of people
at a football game, Alan.

-Can't remember them all.
-No, but...

y-you punched him.

I saw you.
We scored, and then you punched him.

What did he say that was so bad?
Was it...

Was it something about me?

Oh, I don't remember, son.
Get some sleep.

I-I do remember him.

That man.

You know, I shouldn't have
punched him, I know that, but...

...well, what he said, erm...

...I couldn't have it.

Alan, I couldn't have him
talking about you like that.

You know, saying you were a...

Christ, I can't even say it.

At least my son's not g*y!

Sticks in my throat.

Ah, you're turning your old man
soft here.

Got me wanting to apologise.

Which is no mean feat.

- MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES
- What'd you say, "feet"?

Yeah, it does smell like feet!
It's like sleeping in a moccasin.

Good night, son.

-Night, Dad!
-Sweet dreams, kidder.

♪ But you'll never stop me

♪ From loving you

♪ It doesn't really matter

♪ What you put me through

♪ You'll never stop

♪ Me from loving you

♪ Hey, whoa

♪ You'll never stop me

♪ From loving you

♪ Wherever you can go

♪ I will follow you

♪ You'll never stop
Me from loving you. ♪