01x03 - Dales of the Unexpected

[bunniefuu]

Please, I was just hitch
hiking! Why are you doing this?

There's blood
coming out of my ear!

You'll spin all the blood
out of my head! I'll die!!

Yeah, I'm afraid you will.

But look on the bright side,
at least you'll be famous.

I don't wanna be
famous! I want to live!

Well, you know, maybe
being a little bit famous

would be nice.

Peter Andre famous.
Enough to get a free nandos.

That's the spirit. Scream
if you wanna go faster!

- No! No!
- Scream as loud as you can.

- It's music to my ears, boy!
- No!

- Scream!

- No!

Seconds anyone?

Oh, no more for me, Monica,
thanks. I'm full to bursting.

I've got to go to
work after this.

Having to work the weekend.

They're making you
work the weekend?

Oh, don't ask her, Terry,
that's what she wants.

I'm currently on a task force

investigating a
triple m*rder, Terry.

Oh.

That's why we work the
weekend, to save lives.

- Hmm.
- And what's the biggest case

in your little private
investigation agency, Gemma?

- Gnomes.
- Sorry? What was that?

- Gnomes. Alright?
- Yes.

And we solved it
actually. Case closed.

It was quite interesting really.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Well they weren't stealing them,

they were just rearranging
them into explicit poses

- in the night.
- Oh.

- Explicit, how?
- Freddie, shush.

Well, one were bent
over, one had a fishing rod.

- Terry, shush.
- Oh h*, that takes me back.

We've not done it like
that since Obama got in.

Freddie! Will you please shush.

Well then we got the dog and

Vicky said it was insulting it.

You know, because we
were mirroring its sex life,

even though we'd had
its equipment lopped off.

Freddie!

You had a point
though, didn't you?

He used to watch us
with a weird look in his eye,

encouraging me on,

you know, 'cause I was doing
what he could do no longer.

Freddie, I don't think
your sisters want to know

- about our sex life.
- We do.

- We do.
- Do we?

Vicky sends me upstairs
and I exfoliate my whole body

'til I'm perfectly clean,
and then she comes up,

inspects me, and if I
don't meet her standard,

I've got to go and stand in
the wardrobe for ten minutes,

'cause I've let her down.

You know, normal.

- Freddie, enough!
- Let him speak.

Gemma, while you've
been busy looking at

copulating little magical
people, in the real police force

we've had bodies found,
in grassington, kettlewell,

and another one in
aysgarth last night.

Do you want me to wrap
you up some beef, Vicky?

In case you end up in a
stand-off with the K*llers.

Be nice to have a beef sandwich

if the sn*pers get
stuck in traffic.

Yeah?

Hubberholme.

What?

It's number three on the tour.

- What tour?
- Every tour.

Well every tour
at Yorkshire dales.

Grassington, kettlewell,
hubberholme and aysgarth.

Then there's literally
dozens after that.

It's the perennial
pensioners favourite.

An entire county echoing
with the sounds of complaints

delivered through
poorly fitted teeth.

- Oh.
- Did you hear that, Gemma?

The force is missing
an investigative genius.

Oh.

I'll have to bring you into
the situation room with me.

What, now?

Monica's got spotted d*ck
and custard for pudding.

She's being sarcastic, Terry.

Oh.

You run along to
your murders, Vicky,

which by the way
she hasn't solved.

We're um, working
today as well, aren't we?

- Yeah.
- Well...

Going undercover actually. Yeah.

Hi...

Just be cool. Just be cool.

Puppies aren't stealing
themselves from this pet shop.

If you see a
puppy-napper, just bark.

But what if they throw a
ball, Gemma? I'm a dog now.

I owe it to my newly
adopted species to run after it.

Look, I know it's not
the most glamorous job

we've ever done,

but a few more of these,
well a lot more of these,

we can get out of my sister's
place, pay for the wedding.

I love that you're excited
about the wedding.

- Ah ha.
- Come here, give us a kiss...

- Aw.
- And maybe a rub of my tummy.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh Terry.

I can't see, yeah, right,
which way are you going?

- Just go to the left.
- What? Your left or mine?

- Help! Please help!

Shush now, I'll
be with you in a second.

Still no news, chief inspector.

- Oh.
- The victims weren't friends,

they worked in different places.

They had no past relationships

that would connect
them in any way.

Okay, okay.

Might we just get lucky and
he might get bored and give up?

- Yeah.

- No, I don't think so ma'am.
- Right. Shame.

You see, that's the trouble
with serial K*llers, isn't it?

They just never seem to
know enough's enough.

- We've got another body.
- Oh!

Hubberholme.

- Hubberholme.
- What?

It's number three on the tour.

Oh god, no! Thanks Marcus.

Do you know what
I think, sergeant?

I think any connection at the
moment would be a great help.

I mean, nobody told me
this job would be so difficult.

Criminals don't seem to
want to be caught these days.

Scenic coach
tours, chief inspector.

Oh, great idea. I
would bloody love one.

- Get me out of this mess.
- No, the locations.

They're along the routes of
the Yorkshire dales coach tours.

They start in grassington,
then kettlewell,

hubberholme, aysgarth
and then onwards from there.

Oh! Fantastic!

Finally a connection.
Well done, sausage.

So er, where are
they going next?

Well, um, that information,
it came from a source.

Oh, an informant!
Ooh, bring them in.

- I bloody love an informant.
- Yes ma'am.

There's something sexy
about them, isn't there?

A cloaked figure nestled
in a world of darkness,

reaching out to us
to put things right.

Oh, I bet he's a right
swarthy charmer, eh?

Look at yourselves!

You could have at least
taken your heads off.

Well we can't, they're
sewn into the costumes.

It's either this or vest
and knickers I'm afraid.

Anyway, you're the one who
asked for our expert knowledge.

So you're our experts
then? Nice outfits.

I'm actually part of a club

where we dress up
in something similar.

Have a few drinks,
hmm, see what happens.

It's not a sex thing.

Right. We'll say no
more about it then.

This is Terry
bremmer, everybody.

I'm his fiancee, Gemma. Hi.

Right.

Victim number one.
Found in grassington.

Spun to death of a waltzer.

Victim number two in kettlewell.

Tied to a windscreen,
then flayed alive,

took all the skin of his skull.

Number three. Crushed
between the doors,

aysgarth monastery.

And our fourth unlucky
chap was found in the foghorn

at foggerty falls
foghorn museum.

Smack bang in the
middle of hubberholme.

And er, that's all
we've got so far.

So er, just relax,
tell us what you know

and remember that
lives are at stake

and it's all down to you, go!

What, me? No!

Hello.

Well, um, it's just that I
noticed that these four places

are the first four stops

for dozens of coach tours
around the Yorkshire dales.

And you're going to tell us

where the fifth
location is, aren't you?

- No.
- No?

What do you mean, no?
Then what is the point of you?

I...

I've got an idea,
shove over. Right.

Now, from these four points

there's only a limited
amount of tours

that you could be part of.

Yeah? So our fellah is either
part of the tourist industry

or he's got a grudge against
people in the tourist industry.

Ma'am, he's on
the phone! Our boy.

Knows details of the killings
we haven't made public.

Right. You talk to
him, you're the expert.

Nice outfit. There's
actually a few of us that get...

- No.
- Okay.

Leave it, he's not one of
us. Right, put the call through.

So, keep him on the line
for as long as you can.

Oh, and quick reminder, innocent
lives are depending on you,

but no pressure.

Hiya.

Hi, are you alright?

Hey, I'm more than
alright, mr policeman.

I'm just tickety boo.

So, are you er, calling
about another m*rder,

or just a general chit-chat?

Oh, I just thought I'd check in,

see how badly you're
doing at catching me.

We found the hubberholme body.

Been there for a
while, hadn't they?

Oh aye. You are
terribly out of sequence.

So, aysgarth, where
are we going next?

I mean, either
way you look at it,

you've got to be on the a684.

But then you'd get stuck in...

The one way
system next to the pie shop.

So you know your pie shops then?

It has been said, yeah.

Bloody hell, it's Terry bremmer!

You're too late to
save this one, sadly.

But don't worry, there'll
be more. Much, much more.

Yeah, well maybe there
will, or maybe there won't.

Or maybe we'll catch
you before the next one.

And then the only pie shop
you'll be visiting, my friend,

is the one...

In prison.

They've got pie shops in prison?

No.

Well no, what I meant was like,

you will probably be arrested.

Oh, "probably".

By the time this is over, you
will eat your words. Bye now.

No, look, mate,
listen, hang on...

- Couldn't trace him ma'am.
- Oh!

"Eat my words."
"Eat my w-words."

Gemma, I am going
to eat my words.

Sorry, are you admitting defeat?

Only I was thinking
of admitting defeat,

so if you want to go first,
I'd be bang up for that.

- Gemma...
- I don't...

You used to say it. But
only when we were passing...

Oh my god! Albert
dickensthwaite!

Right! We have a
name, get him arrested.

Oh, I knew we could do
it. Well done everyone.

I'm off for a gin, anyone else?

Any gin? Good stuff,
she's happy this time.

- Wow!
- No, no no no. Dickensthwaite

was a foundry
owner in the 1800s.

Oh.

He was one of those
victorian eccentrics

who believed that you
could absorb intelligence

through your stomach.

So every day he'd
eat a book for dinner.

Yeah, until he died
of ink poisoning.

There's a statue of
him in shelmondbury,

right, with him holding the
last bell that was ever made

at the foundry.

But, whenever we passed through,

Gemma always got to
say to the passengers...

I guess Albert really
did eat his own words.

Ha, it's one of
my favourite jokes.

And did the passengers laugh?

Oh yeah.

Right, well you heard the
man. We're off to shelmondbury!

- You're coming too.
- Ooh, yes! Another victim!

Time for the sniffer
dogs is it ma'am?

Oh, very funny.

Nice outfit. There's a
few of us get together...

Get out!

Right, shall we er,
examine the body then?

Now that is a bloody big bell.

It goes ding, ding, ding.

Oh, the cheeky little sod.

He's doing the
"wheels on the bus!"

The song?

"The wheels on the bus
go round and round..."

"The wipers on the bus
go swish swish swish..."

"The horn on the bus
goes beep beep beep..."

And the doors on the bus,
Gemma, open and close.

And now "the bell
on the bus goes..."

"Ding, ding, ding."

He's k*lling people according
to the verses of the song.

And he's using a coach tour
map. Your boy is a coach driver.

Uh? Is that a lead?

If he's a coach driver,

we could help you
further if you like?

We were part of
that world for years,

they know us, they trust us.

- We could go undercover.
- Can we?

I mean, look at us.
We've got experience.

That would be great.

Oh, just knowing that you two
are prepared to take the blame

when this all goes t*ts-up.

Oh, I mean I know it's not
normal, but what else can I do?

You two are my last resort. Ha.

Did you hear that
Terry? We're a last resort.

That means they need us.

Yeh!

Hey, I've found half a
sausage roll in my pocket.

- Don't eat it.
- I wasn't gonna.

Oh, right. Back on a coach.

I know we thought we'd
left the coach life behind,

and it's gonna be awful,
but we can get through it.

- Oh, are you ready?
- Yeah.

The smell of diesel,
life on the open road,

shouting at road workers.

Back to the good old days.

The good old days?

I thought these were
the good old days,

well the good new days.

Are these new days
not the good new days?

Sorry, I got confused.

When we had money
and job security.

- Hmm.
- Awful times.

We realise you can't be a
coach operator without a coach,

so er, we rustled
something up for you.

I hope it's suitable.

- Marcus, keys.
- There you go, cowboy.

And you'll be happy
to know I'm sending

a qualified police
officer to go with you.

No...

No!

- Are you enjoying yourself?
- Yeah.

Makes me think you
might want to go back to it.

Yeah, no. No, no.

Just so we're clear, you're
not my sister-in-law any more,

or a police officer,
you're my employee.

Gemma, I've done
undercover work before.

It's all about living
the character.

Well if you can
find it in yourself

to "live" the character of
my subordinate on a tour bus,

you can make me a coffee.

That's really not how it works.

Subordinate! Coffee!

This is my world, Vicky.
You're a tour guide now.

So it's dry shampoo
'til it looks manageable

and wet wipes
on your stinky bits.

Are you liking your
new coach then?

It's having its moments.

Is this your plan, to just
hang around a services?

Are we gonna talk an old man

into buying us
cigarettes as well?

Oh Vicky, for a
supposed investigator,

you've got a lot to learn.

There's a place, a secret place,

a place that I thought we'd
sworn never to go back to.

Terry, you ready?

- Oh yeah.

Hiya.

This is the special place.

This is the tour
operators' lounge.

Ever wondered where we go
when you stop for a comfort break?

Right here.

Some would say it's a
sacred temple of the road.

Now just blend in.

I've formed a very close,
special bond with these people.

Hi.

Oh, look who it is. Miss high
and mighty Gemma draper.

Hmm, cheeky, filthy madam.

Yeah, she is cheeky. And filthy.

Close special bond is it?

Who's this?

Oh, this is Vicky. Our trainee.

Ooh, she's got a
trainee now has she?

She's not expensive.

Failed her exams, then
her boyfriend left her.

She tried to train as a
beautician, but as you can see,

she's not got the face for it.

Yes, I see what you
mean. No pride in her looks.

- Alright?
- Alright?

- Alright?
- Hiya.

So, what's the goss in
the tour community then?

The bottom fell out of our
chemical toilet, but it's fine.

- My Tony fixed it.
- Just left the hole.

Turns out the old folk
like to feel the breeze

on their bits.

Sometimes you can
hear them whooping

like they're on
a roller-coaster.

We're doing a new tour,
Botox, detox and goldilocks.

It's like a mobile spa, but
we read you a story at the end.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, they're all the
rage, the rhyming titles.

I'm doing 'mums, bums and tums'.

"Exercise while we drive.

Work your pelvic floors
as we cross the moors."

We tried doing the gammon,
salmon and famine tour,

but by the time they'd had
the gammon and the salmon,

people said the famine
museum was in poor taste.

The big news is, the
roadworks on the a346.

Ooh, yeah, they reckon
they've done them properly,

but there's no way you can
get a coach through them.

- Aye.
- Roadworks eh?

Bloody hell! Stop the press!

Doesn't affect me. I've hated
that road since it opened.

I prefer the old
fashioned routes.

So, it weren't nothing
more about m*rder.

The only thing they've k*lled
is the art of conversation.

You're both utterly useless.
Right, I'm taking charge.

You can't.

I'm going into character.
Watch and learn.

- Vicky, wait!
- Let her go, Terry.

Let her go. This is
gonna be brilliant.

O m to the g.

I don't know about you
girls, but I'm all coached out.

Oh, I'll tell you
what goss I've heard.

Apparently there's been
people k*lling people.

Ain't that mad,
ain't that just mad!

And I think someone
should do something about it,

for the good of everyone else.

But that's just me,
that's what I think.

Sometimes you just
have to accuse people

of doing something
for the common good,

- do you know what I mean?
- No.

Yeah you do.

Having a private
meeting, are we?

Those lot might have
their little bits of gossip,

but the real news
is the murders.

Oh, terrible aren't they?
Everyone's talking about them.

Oh, who's talking that talk?

Would you have a list,
maybe a detailed description?

Oh yes.

One suspect,
devilishly handsome,

charm oozing from every pore.

It's me. I'm the m*rder*r.

"I'm the one responsible
for the five deaths, Clarice."

Give over Willy! You're the
sanest coach driver we know.

If you're the m*rder*r,
we're all in trouble.

I just hope they
catch him quickly.

I'm supposed to
be driving tomorrow,

and er, I don't really
wanna be on the road

with a m*rder*r knocking about.

Those mums, bums and tums
will be clenching extra tight, eh.

Hmm.

Ooh, a song. Let's
sing a song, yeah.

I think this one's got too
many miles on her, Gemma.

And see how it makes us feel

and what actions it might
make us feel like taking.

I'll start.

right, we've got to go.
It's lovely to see you all.

Catch up soon, yeah.

Anybody feeling anything
yet? Anything murderous yeah?

what the hell was that?

I was singing the song to
see if anyone reacted to it.

Everyone reacted to it, Vicky!

Well somebody
had to do something.

We haven't found out anything!

Well yes, we have Vicky. The
a346 is unpassable by coach.

That means you can't get
to the twydle tweed tea shop

or the todmorden bun museum.

So that's four more tours

we can cross off
our list of possibles.

Five tours actually, Terry.

You also can't get to
the old sandgate asylum.

Although after
that little stunt,

we might wanna think
about dropping Vicky off there.

Hmm?

Morning campers,
it's a new dawn and a new day.

Don't forget, we've got
murders all across the dales,

so you be careful out there.

When I see Vicky
today, she is getting it.

This is my collar.

We don't need some
rookie coming in

and screwing this
operation up for us.

When I say jump, she
should say, "how can I jump?"

Is, is that how it goes?

Glad to see power's
not gone to your head.

Unknown number.

Well, well, well.

Word on the coach
tour circuit is that

you certainly seemed to have
fun at the old members lounge.

Eh Terry?

- It's him!
- What?

- And he knows my name!
- Put it on speaker.

I thought I'd give you a
fighting chance for this one.

The victim is still
alive. For now.

Please help!

Now now, remember
your part. Like we practised.

argh, wah! Wah! Wah!

Good boy. Here, have a rusk.

Thank you.

You say you're giving
us a fighting chance,

at least tell us where he is!

Oh Terry, talking to you
sometimes is absolute agony.

But I'll tell you this,
whoever finds him

is gonna be more miserable
than they've ever been before.

Right, let's think
about what he said.

- Talking to me was agony.
- Yeah.

"Agony."

Get me the map.

Gemma, I just
wanted to look at it.

Right. The last body was
found at shelmondbury.

Ah ha.

We know the a346
isn't passable by coach.

So he's either going
to kirkby Steven,

millthrop or garsdale.

Well they're all tour stops.

And he said, "whoever
finds the victim

is gonna be more miserable
than they've ever been before."

Oh my god! I
just figured it out.

Terry, I've actually stepped
inside the mind of the k*ller.

Well quickly
Gemma, step back out

and tell me what
you're thinking!

- Margaret the misery.

The most feared museum
manager in all the dales.

Yep.

Fairfield mill t*rture museum!

Right.

Quick, call henrietta, they
can get there quicker than us.

Well come on.

Of course! "The
babies on the bus."

Please, can you make
sure you tell my wife

he dressed me like this!

Fair enough.

- We should untie him.
- No!

Sorry to be rude, it's just
he's got me stretched out here,

but if you release the
tension, that axe up there,

it'll drop and cut me in two.

Don't panic, we are
trained professionals.

Please just try to be calm
and we'll pop you off in a jiffy.

I'm just gonna tighten
this rope slightly.

That's the second person
I've cut in half this year.

Oh, I'm afraid we got here
too late. The trap went off.

And you just found
him cut in half?

We did find him, yes,
we definitely found him.

There was just nothing
we could do to help.

She's right, we
did nothing to help.

Oh, I mean it's
all part of the job,

but it never gets any easier.

Don't touch me. So
er, where next, Terry?

I mean, we must be right
behind him by now, surely? Yes?

From Fairfield mill,
where to go? Where to go?

Well these days there's
only one place you can go.

- Terry's most hated place.
- Oh god Gemma, no.

White scar caves.

Imagine darkness.
The darkest darkness.

Well it's like that
with a gift shop.

Terry won't go in,
he's afraid of the dark.

Right, let's get a team
to white scar caves.

Terry's not coming.
He's a coward.

Just so you know, i'm
not afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the
tour guide there.

She caresses me in the gloom.

There's got to be
more. A connection.

What's the next
verse in that song?

After the babies on the
bus? Um, it's...

The mummies on the bus.

- Do you mean the mums?

- Oh god! With their bums...
- And tums.

Sorry, you've lost me.

Willy's the one we're after!

He's got a coach load of
mums, just like in the song.

And he actually told
us he was the m*rder*r.

- Yeah.
- Pardon?

- Nothing. Let's get moving.
- Let's go!

We'll follow you in the coach.

Are you sure? It's much slower.

I know, but I
really like driving it.

What?

Terry! Focus. We're
hunting a k*ller, it'll take ages!

Oh Gemma, please.
Please, please, please?

Fine!

Your call. Right, we'll
see you at the caves.

And can we just get
this bugger caught,

because this whole thing

is really starting
to do my t*ts in.

We did it Terry,

a whole police department
couldn't solve this case

and we did it.

Remind me to take those
exact same words to Vicky

when I see her.

The big news is, the
roadworks on the a346.

I've hated that
road since it opened.

Bugger!

You alright?

Gem, we may have made
the tiniest of minor errors.

What?

Have you taken a wrong turn in
your super sweet space coach?

Ha ha, yeah.

No, but also, there is a chance

we might have sent the
police to the wrong place.

- Where the m*rder*r, isn't.
- We've done what?

It's something Willy
said the other day.

I prefer the
old-fashioned routes.

The caves are on the a19

and Willy wouldn't
use that road either.

And the old-fashioned
route doesn't go to the caves.

Where does it go?!

Dead man's drop.

- Well, he's not here.
- What?

Oh we've dropped
a right bollock here.

How are we going
to tell henrietta?

Well, I'm gonna
do what I've done

every other time we've
dropped a bollock, blag it.

- Yes?

Henrietta? Hi babes.

Yeah, tiny change of plan.

So Terry's had a
bit of a brainwave,

so Watkins is a traditionalist.

He doesn't like new roads.

So Terry's cleverly deduced
that he's at dead man's drop.

Dead, dead man's drop?
That's miles away from here.

You're closer than we are.

- Don't touch me.
- I know, I know.

- We're turning round now.
- Right, okay.

Look, I'm supposed
to say if you find him,

don't put yourself
in harm's way,

but you know, maybe
weigh things up.

Have a pop. God loves a trier.

Go.

Alright, bye then!

Well, I hope you've
enjoyed your day out

with Willy's wonder tours.

And as an additional treat,

in a moment you are
going to roll off this cliff

and plummet to your death.

So, if you've got any feedback

and wanna fill in the comment
card, please do it quickly.

No need to mention
this on trip adviser.

And so the final piece
fits exactly into place,

for what is a spectacle
without an audience?

You might wanna
stop right there.

See this wire? It's
attached to the brakes.

One tug and all the
mummies on the bus

most certainly will be
shush shush shushed.

Permanently.

Willy, please stop.

These are innocent people,
they don't deserve to die!

No, trust you just to
see things at face value.

It's not the bodies, it's
what they represent.

What, the lyrics to
"wheels on the bus?"

It's just a nursery rhyme.

To you maybe. But not to
people like me and Terry.

Hearing it day in, day
out for over thirty years.

I used to be a normal
coach driver, me,

just like all the others.

High cholesterol and
a broken marriage,

but the endless
sing-songs, over and over!

They drill inside your mind.

They make you stray from
the duel carriageway of decency

and take the diversion
to bloody madness!

I've been pretending
to be a scotsman!

He's right.

- It gets in your soul, gem.
- What?

You're trying to stop them
singing that song, aren't you?

Jackpot! Mothers
will tell their children

that it's bad luck,

because if people sing
the song, people die!

And I will be a hero
to all the coach drivers.

There'll be a statue of
me on every forecourt

in every service station
up and down the land.

That song plays in
my head every night

when I'm trying to get to sleep.

One tug of this wire,
the brakes come off

and you will be free of it.

It sounds amazing.

What, are you agreeing with him?

We should be
stopping people like him!

I'm afraid Terry's with me.

Bye girls!

I'll keep that song
in my head thanks.

You're not k*lling
all those people!

Terry, no!

Yes Terry!

Join them! Join them!

Don't! You'll go over with them!

No!

Yes! Yes!

Terry!

Yes!

Right, let's go.

Are you quite mad?
He is a m*rder*r!

No no, I shall stay
here, thank you.

Make sure you lock that door
when you shut it behind you.

You cut him off, i'm
gonna kick his head in.

God, I love this job.

Oh, someone's
been a naughty boy.

- I'm not resisting arrest.
- I didn't hear!

Hello? Is that the gazette?

Yes, it's chief inspector
henrietta Shepherd calling.

We've caught the k*ller. Yes,
I'm arresting him right now.

And I must say,
i'm being very brave.

Willy Watkins,
you're nicked son.

Oh, that's the best bit. I
love it when she does that bit.

He's my fiancee.

Oh, you were so brave!

- Oh...
- I can't believe that.

Oh yes, yes, sorry, I need
to get you untied, yeah.

That's much more important. Ooh!

The funny thing is,
you lot think it's all over.

Oh, it is over for
you, my friend.

We are gonna lock you up
and throw away the key, yeah.

Well, I mean we're not, we're
not gonna throw away the key.

The keys are really
expensive, did you know that?

But what I'm saying is,
we're not gonna need the keys

for a very long time because
you will be locked in the cell.

Yeah, be as smug
as you like, copper,

there's a lot more
bodies to find.

And a lot more songs to be sung.

"If you go down
to the woods today,

you're in for a big surprise."

What are you on about now?

I've k*lled more people.
They're in the woods.

Did you do any training?

You know, when I thought
you'd gone off that cliff before,

I was proper gutted.

- Gutted?
- Ah ha.

Just gutted?

Not heart-broken or devastated,

to the point where you thought
you'd never find love again?

Oh I'd find love again, I
wasn't worried about that.

Probably with a
younger, athletic man

who ravishes me every day.

What, full-on ravish,
or just a quickie

where we leave
most of our pjs on?

- Oh, fully ravished.
- Poor bugger.

Do you know,
when I looked at you,

you seemed to be loving
driving the coach today.

Are you sure you don't
want to go back to it?

I never wanna get
on a coach again.

There's something about
almost plummeting off of a cliff

that really puts you off.

Just, sometimes I think
you're only going along

with all this detective agency
thing to make me happy.

At first, yeah.

Now, as long as all of our cases

are based on the
routes of old coach trips,

- we could make a fortune.
- Yeah.

- Oh god!
- Do you mind? We're in bed!

Well, sofa bed, but it
still says bed in the title.

The chief inspector's
told me to tell you

that she really can't thank
the both of you enough.

And on a personal note,

I suppose I have to
say thanks as well.

Aw, nearly made you
sick saying that, didn't it?

Yes. Yes it did.

The chief inspector also
added that with a bit of training

there could be a place on
the force for a pair like you.

And on a further personal
note, I disagree with that.

Well, tell her thank you.

That's very kind, but
you know, we like to,

to tread our own path.

Sure, it's a tricky path,
fraught with danger,

but there's a whole world
out there that needs our help.

And we're gonna
give them that help.

Not by sticking to
the rule book, oh no,

but by playing hard
and fast, two mavericks

fighting the fight on
behalf of the little people!

What, the gnomes? Are we
going back to the gnomes?

But don't worry, if
you ever need us,

in fact let's just say
next time you need us,

just give us a call
and we'll be there.

Except on Tuesday nights.
That's when Gemma's got zumba.

Terry!

Did I ruin it?

- I ruined it, didn't I?