02x02 - Mr. Worker

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm

♪ I'm sorry ♪

Chad: Hate crimes
are super-horrible things,

and I will no longer
be associated with them.

Hopefully, we can turn
this b*tch upside down

and make it a positive thing.

Thank you, guys,
for taking the time

to consider this apology.

And there it is.

Is it okay that
it's 3 1/2 minutes long?

I personally love it,

but I think brevity is key
to effective Internet videos.

Oh, no.
See, with the Internet,

I think
the longer the better.

You could trim a minute or two
out of the moment of silence.

It's gonna stay the way
that it is, okay?

Thanks for understanding.
Yeah. Uh...

Are you pretty devastated
I'm missing school today?

Uh, yeah, a little bit,
but I think I can manage.

I just really hope
people like it.

What do you think
Do you think they'll forgive me?

I mean...

it's a little
all over the place,

but I can tell
your heart is in it.

It really is.

Post it, Chad.

Let the healing begin.
[ Chuckles ]

Have a good suspension.

Thanks.

♪

[ Laughing ] Oh, no.

Ah!
[ Laughs ] Oh!

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm accidentally watching
this thing called "Frasier,"

[laughing]
and I'm freaking loving it.

Who made this show?

Hey, you have a cute little day
at your job, Mom.

You're gonna do great.

Chad, you're suspended.

Mom.
Hmm?

Love you, but you're really
interrupting "Frasier" a lot.

I'm sorry, but no devices,
starting now.

What-- Please don't.
What are you doing?

Please don't touch my tablet.
Please--

Mom, that's my tablet.
Please don't touch it.

Mom, those are my tablets.

What are you doing?!
Gimme--

You're not taking
my laptop, Mom!

That is mine!
Mother!
Chad!

I live off that stuff!
What in the hell?!

You need to
use this time

to think about
the mistakes you made.

Okay, fine. Then I'll just
look at the engagement

on my TikTok apology
real quick.

Mom! I'm just looking
at what my followers

are engaging with me
about!

I don't care!

No devices, Chad,
means no devices!

What if there's
an international emergency

and I-- and I need
to watch the news?

When do you
watch the news?

Constantly.
Mm-hmm.

Name three countries.

Oh, come on.
Nobody can do that.

What-- Mom!

For what it's worth, Mom,

I think these are the exact
right consequences

for Chad's actions.

You keep my pretty little name
out of your mouth, Niki!

Mom! Niki just threw a waffle
at my head!

Mm-hmm.
You're just not gonna
discipline her?

Chad.
Mom, what am I
supposed to do all day?

I'm panicking.

Read a book?

Go outside?

I don't know.
Figure it out.

Go outside?

What am I,
a freaking golden retriever?

Oh.

♪ Okay, I'm bored
in the house ♪

♪ And I'm in the house bored,
bored ♪

♪ Bored in the house and I'm
in the house bored, bored ♪

♪ Bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪

♪ And I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪

♪ Bored in the house,
bored in the house, bored ♪

♪ I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪

♪ And I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪

♪ I'm bored, bored, bored,
bored, bored ♪

♪ Bored, bored, bored ♪

♪ I'm bored, bored,
bored, bored.. ♪

Ugh, Niki. Nasty.

♪ I'm losing my mind
in Niki's room ♪

♪ Bored in the house,
bored in the house, bored ♪

♪ I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪

♪ And I'm bored in the house
and I'm in the house bored ♪

♪ I'm bored, bored, bored,
bored, bored ♪

♪ Bored, bored, bored ♪

Chad:
[ Sobs ] Ugh!

Chad?

[ Water running ]

Chad?

Are you in here?

Are you happy?!

Mom, thank you for agreeing
to meet me.

I'm gonna be straight up
with you.

I'd like my phone back, please.

You're not getting
your phone back.

Ugh!

And clearly, you can't be
left alone in the house.

It's been two hours
since I left,

and look how
you're acting.

Yeah, it's called sending you
a very direct message.

Which is why you're going
to work with Hamid

for the rest
of your suspension.

You want me to go
to the rug store?!

The hell am I gonna do
in there?

That's no place
for a young American boy!

♪

What?

Oh! There he is!
Mr. Worker!

Hi.
Mm.

What do you think?

I think you straight-up
have a rug store.

And look who else
is here.

[ Beeping ]

Oh, my God.

[ Beeping continues ]

[ Clears throat ]

That literally
took forever.

Hi, Mohsen.

Let me give you
a little tour.

Here is
your folding chair.

I put a Post-It Note
with your name on the back.

"Chad."
I'm gonna have to stop you
right there.

Hamid, my life is pretty
centered around electronics,

so you're looking
at a young man

going through heroin withdrawals
right now.

Then you have come
to the perfect place.

Look around at the rugs.

You can't even get half of
these colors on television.

You can literally get all
of these colors on television.

Each rug tells a story

way better than the ones
you see on Netflips.

Flips?
Look at this story, huh?

Flower, squiggle,
flower--

cliffhanger,
what's gonna happen next?--

uh-oh, squiggle!

And that's just the edge.

Wait till you get
to the middle.

Right, Mohsen?

[ Both laughing ]

Ooh.
The hell is funny
about this?

Chad,

Chad, are

Chad, are you

Chad, are you sure

Chad, are you sure
you

Chad, are you sure
you don't

Chad, are you sure
you don't want

Chad, are you sure
you don't want some

Chad, are you sure
you don't want some chai?

I just made it.

No, but if you have any
Harvest Cheddar SunChips,

I'll have some of those.
[ Door opens ]

Oh, Pasha, my man!

Hamid!

Mohsen!

Hamid: Come, Chad,
say hello to Pasha.

You remember my nephew?

I absolutely have
no recollection of you.

What's up, little man?

You know how it is.
Ball is life.

Gucci, gucci.

Hamid, I need you to take
a look at this rug.

Are you selling?
For the right price.

Before I buy,
Mohsen must inspect it.

You understand.

Yes.
I just need to get my mom.

His mom?
Yeah,
let's roll it out.

Come on, Chad.
Help me.

Ugh.

♪

Hamid: Oh, my God.
Are you seeing this?

Seeing what?

Mohsen and Pasha's mom have
known each other for many years.

They play it cool, but they have
a steamy physical history.

She looks like
a rapper's girlfriend.

What the hell
is he doing?

Mohsen knows rugs better
than anyone in this world.

He is rug savant.

He's just gently
dilly-dallying with tassels.

He needs his magnifier.

Go get it from the back,
Chad.

Right this second?
Just go!

What's the urgency?

♪

Operator:


Thank God.
Oh, my gosh. Ma'am.

Can you please open up
the web browser

www.tiktok.com/chad
underscore amani underscore?

Thank you so much.

Sir, if you don't have
an actual emergency,

I have to hang up.

Oh, no, no.
It is an emergency.

O-Obviously, if there's been
a car accident or--

or someone's neighbor
is on fire or something,

please put me on hold.

Are you aware it's a federal
offense to misuse 911?

I cannot believe
it's come to this, ma'am.

Can I speak
to your supervisor?

Madame, please!

Hamid:
Chad, did you find it?

Uh, coming!

sh**t, I'm gonna
have to call you back.

♪

Sorry about that.

I-It was buried under, like,
a thousand napkins.

We'll buy it for $800.

What is this?
A dog bed from Costco?

You offend me,
and you offend my mother.

Fine. $1,300.

Your offer is so low,
my mother is leaving.

Damn, she's good.
$2,000.

Okay.

Pasha: Wonderful.
Thank you, Hamid joon.

Xodâhâfez.

What the hell
is going on?

You just gave them $2,000
for this janky-a*s rug?

You could buy a house
with that.

And you got Persian Mr. Bean
over here

packing hundos
in his khakis?

It's a beautiful rug.

We can easily sell it
for thousands more. Come on.

My God.

♪

Okay, so are we
all done here?

My body is tired.

Oh, we are just getting started,
Chaddy.

You are gonna bring this rug
back to life

using this.

A friggin'
baseball bat?

Yes. Beating a rug
is the first

but most essential step
of cleaning and restoring it.

Look at this rug.

What do you see?

Um, it's, like, hella dirty
and it smells like dead cats.

Mm. Yes, Chad.
This rug is filthy.

It is at rock bottom.

Probably lower
than rock bottom.

The world sees it and thinks
it's unredeemable.

But if you look deeper,

you can see this rug
is full of potential.

In fact, it's beautiful.

♪

It's the most g*dd*mn
beautiful thing I've ever seen.

H-Hey, do you guys mind
being little angels

and giving me a few minutes
alone with the rug?

I-I would love to get to know it
on a more intimate level.

Say no more, Chad.
We are out of your hairs.

Mohsen.
Bye, guys.

Bye-bye.

Don't come back, okay?

I'm really excited about what
I'm learning from you guys.

♪

[ Bell dings ]

Hi, there. Can I help you
find something today? Oh!

Oh, my God.
I just want you to know

you guys are really doing
the Lord's work in here.

Okay. Wow.
Yes!

Come on. Come on.
Come on.

Ah.

[ Line ringing ]

Peter, come on!

Hey, Chad.
How's it going?

Oh, my God, Peter!
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, listen to me.

I need a full download
on every single thing

that's happened on the Internet
in the last six hours.

And thank God I remembered
your telephone number by heart.

This is why
we did that.

Well, there was
this baby meme

that I was seeing
for the first time...

[ Bell dings ]
Hamid: Chad, no.

Peter, please be more prepared
for a call like this next time!

How can I prepare for--

Chad, let's go.
No, one second.

I just have to see
the engagement on my post.

Please, Chad.
Your mother made me promise.

This is for
your own good, huh?

No, no, no.

Got you eye on the new
iPad Pro, I see.

Yes. What a wonderful
piece of machinery.

We can't get enough.

Will you give us
a moment?

No, no, no.
This is bad.

This is bad!
Oh, no.

Chaddy joon.
No, no!

They hate me, Hamid.

They freakin' hate me.

It's okay.
It's gonna be okay.

Mohsen! Not now!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Mohsen!

Come on. Let's go.
Come on.

Let's get you
out of here.
Oh, God.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪

Aaaahhh!

♪ I ain't never had
a limit ♪

I! Hate! This! Rug!

Ugh!

♪ Everybody want to bounce ♪

♪ Nobody playing the position ♪

♪ Unh, oh, you thought
it was... ♪

I have never seen anyone,
man or beast,

hit a rug like that.

Dusty-a*s loser!

Persian rug!

♪ We on the move now ♪

♪ We on the move ♪

Now it's time for you
to learn how to wash a rug.

First, we must use
the power washer

to rid the fibers
of debris.

She is
a high-pressure weapon

and can be deadly
if not used correctly.

Be careful.
I once saw my cousin Reza

bruise the tip of his doo-doo
with this thing.

Pretty sure it's just a normal
hose shaped like a g*n, Hamid.

[ Motor running ]

Oh.

Watch the years of dirt
float away.

You are turning back
the hands of time.

Oh, my God!

This is the most
satisfying thing

I've ever done
in my entire life.

Holy sh*t!

This carpet was dirty!

Are you guys
seeing this?

♪

Chad: Whoa.

You see how beautiful
the pattern is now?

Wow!

Look at that.

I was so judgmental
on this thing before.

The pattern is
a language.

It tells us where the rug
was made and who made it.

Each rugs takes months
to make,

and it can last
for hundreds of years,

passed down from generation
to generation.

Look at all the beauty it has
underneath this cat piss.

[ Rap music plays ]

Whoo!

[Indistinct] Stop.

Rrow! Rrow! Rrow!

Whoa! [ Laughs ]

♪ That's right
I'm another decoy... ♪

Oh, you're so clean.

Yes!

Turn, turn.
I'm turning, I'm turning.

Are you ready to see
the fruits of your labor?

♪

Holy...

hot diggity dog!

She's gorgeous.

Wow.

And to think,

you guys basically
almost threw this thing away.

$6,000?!

Go ahead.
Put it on.

[ Sighs ]
Look at the little guy.

He doesn't even know
that today

is the first day
of the rest of his life.

[ Kettle whistles ]

My chai! Come on.
Let's celebrate.

I'll be right there.

♪

You're a special little rug.

♪

Ah, welcome, welcome.

Let us know
if you need help.

Thank you.

♪

Oh, my God.
Look at this one.

It would be perfect
in our den.

The hell is a den?

I don't know.
It's kind of loud.

No. I think it pairs nicely
with all our ethnic artifacts.

Oh, God.

[ Clears throat ]
It's not for sale.

Really?
It has a price tag.

Well, [chuckles]
that's a mistake.

This rug's not for sale.
You guys have a great day.

Bye.
What's going on?

Janie: We were interested
in buying this rug.

And he keeps telling us
it's not for sale.

Chad:
'Cause it's my rug.

Tell them it's my rug
and it's not for sale.

Eh, Mohsen?

Can you show these people
some other options?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mohsen will help you.

Chad:
Get rid of them, Mohsen.

[ Sighs ]
What's wrong, Chaddy joon?

What's up?
Talk to me.

I don't want those people
to have this rug, okay?

Please get rid of them.

Why are you saying
these things?

I'm speaking from the heart,
and my heart is pissed off

and does not want them
to go home with this rug.

Chad, you must
set this rug free.

I don't want to.
I love it.

So I'm gonna instead
suffocate it

and not let go of it, ever.

No, that is not
what you must do...

That's what you do
when you love things.

No, you set them free.

Please get rid of them.

Why?
Because.

She used the word
"ethnic."

That can't be good.

That means she probably
takes her shoes off

when she comes home.
It's good.

I don't want her putting her
nasty-a*s feet on this rug

that I love so much!

They seem like
very nice people.

They're not nice!
They're jacking my rug!

They're problematic!

Chad.

[ Footsteps departing ]

Hamid: Chaddy?

Congratulations on selling
the sexiest rug

I've ever
laid my eyes on.

Get those Benjamins,
I guess.

We didn't sell it.

What the hell
are you talking about?

No one's gonna buy the rug
because... it belongs to you.

Mohsen and I want to
give it to you.

W-What?
Seriously?

Mohsen,
is he being serious?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.
He's telling the truth.

But what about
your Benjamins?

You busted your rump
on this bad boy.

I've never seen you
work so hard.

It's yours.
You earned it.

[ Voice breaking ]
Thank you so much.

This is the freaking best
not-electronics gift

I've ever gotten!

Or... just tossing it
out there--

if you prefer,
you can have 10% of the sale,

which comes to $600.

Take all the time
you need to decide.

Let's do the money thing.
I'll do that.

Thanks God.
That couple is still out there.

Mohsen, go get them
before they leave.

♪

It really means a lot to me
that you know I love money.

Real quick, since you
sent him in there--

does he speak English?

He does not.

Peter, just let me know.
Ready? Ready.

What's up, everyone?

I got your guys' feedback
on my apology video,

and the feedback was
"We hate this."

So, I'm gonna pivot, and now
check out this new content.

Let's crank this b*tch up.

[ Dance music playing ]

Ah!
[ Crashing ]

Peter, did-- did you get that?

Someone drew a dog

with luscious human breasts
on this sign,

and while we could all agree
that's hilarious,

it's getting hosed.

♪

It fell off.

Peter, look! Does it look like
I'm peeing?

[ Laughs ]

♪

Exclamation point [chuckles]
for my name.

This car is absolutely filthy.

Let's give it a little wash.

♪

[ Glass shatters,
car alarm wails ]

Oh.

Drop the camera!
I can't pay for this!

♪

[ Man singing
in foreign language ]

♪