02x03 - Mona

[bunniefuu]

♪

Chad: What, what!
Yo.

First day back at school
from suspension.

Did you miss me?

Oh, yes.
[ Chuckles ]

Is that
a shark tooth necklace?

It's from a sand shark.

My uncle Rick got it for me
in Puerto Vallarta.

Okay.
Well, you look like

you're hosting a TV show
on Animal Planet.

Okay,
I really don't think

we should be taking
fashion risks today.

This is my comeback tour.

I gotta lay low, I gotta just
be small for a little bit.

You know, humble.
I love that.

I love the notion
of you being humble.

Thank you. Me too.
[ Laughs ]

No one will be more humble
than me.

Not one man!

Eagles aren't always
in the air, Peter.

Sometimes they gotta land.

Eagles are dishonorable birds,
Chad.

They're the snakes
of the sky.

You shouldn't aim for that.
You know what I'm saying.

No, really, eagles steal fish
out of other birds' mouths.

Okay. Peter!

We're on the g*dd*mn staircase
of a vehicle.

Move. Just...

What are you doing,
teaching me

about eagles' behaviors
right now?

♪

How am I doing?

Great.
No one's even looking at you.

Are you sure?
I can't totally tell.

You got this buddy,
keep it moving.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God!
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Let me just...
No!

I-I'm so sorry.

Peter, stop.
I'm trying to absorb all of--

Peter,
stop it with the rapid strokes!

These are normal strokes.

Peter,
you're rubbing my crotch

like there's
a damn genie in there.

Hey, Chad, did you sh*t
out of your d*ck?

Yeah, Theo, I sh*t out my d*ck,
and it's crawling up my torso.

Ugh!

Chad, I'm stop done yet.
Hold on.

How's it going up there, buddy?

My back-to-school pants
smell like oat milk.

Oh.
Peter?

Peter it's motion activated,
jiggle me.

Okay.

Charles:
Chad Amani, please come

to the guidance counselor's
office.

[ Groans ]

[ Grunting ] No!

[ Groans ]

What the hell
is she doing here?

Have you two met?
Do you know Mona?

Uh, yes, we did.
I'd say it was not so great.

What do you think?

Um, I'd say
she whirling-dervished into me

and spilled freaking coffee

all over my Eddie Bauer
khakis.

Mm.
I said I was sorry.

They're Eddie Bauer.
Mm-kay.

Chad,
Mona here is from Europe,

which I am literally
obsessed with.

The Eiffel Tower, Germany, oh...
Oh, my God.

ugh, I hope to go some day.

Excuse me,
uh, why am I here?

Yeah,
why are either of us here?

Neither of us wants this.

Well, Chad here is going to be
your peer helper.

Peer what? No.

Wha-What is a peer helper?

I-I don't feel like
being either of those words.

I thought maybe
he could show you around

since you two
have a little thing in common

called
"Both being from Persia--"

"Persian"-- both being--
you're both Persian, right?

That's the--
Oh, my God.

What do you think, Chad?

Charles,
if you even want a chance

of an adult friendship with me
when I graduate,

we're not doing this.

I really do want that, but sadly
you're under probation,

and it's not up to you.

I'm absolutely livid at you.

So what do you say we close this
deal with a double high five?

I have never once come into this
office and enjoyed the visit.

♪

[ Speaks French ]
What is that?

He is.

[ Speaking French ]

Is that what it was?

That room says library
because it is the library.

That's our lovable janitor,
Terry,

and those are Terry's
trash cans.

And that is the tour
of the school.

- Sup, Chad?
- Terry, my dude.

This girl is from France.
Say something hilarious.

You want me to say something?
Like a complete joke?

Terry gets nervous.

I'm down.
I'm down to do it.

You're just like,
"Terry, say something,"

and I'm like, "sh*t.

That's a lot
to put on a brother."

This interaction's
taking too long.

You know what I mean, right?

I love this guy.

Terry's like family.

So, yeah, you're pretty much
in America now.

Be a good girl
and don't get deported.

What?
That's it?

You didn't show me where
any of my classes are.

Oh, that's just because
I have no idea where they are,

and I don't care to.

So goodbye, mademoiselle.

Oh, okay,
I've got a joke for you.

Terry, just text it to me.

The moment has passed,
but don't be bummed,

we'll get it next time,
my dude.

♪

[ Bell dinging ]

Teacher:
We're going to use the equation

rather than using the chart, okay?

♪

Come on. Ugh.

I'm so sorry I have to go see
t-this new girl from France.

♪

Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, what the hell
are you doing?

It's class time.
You can't leave.

Why not?
I have a free period.

Uh, because we're sophomores.

Only seniors
with enough spirit points

have off-campus privileges.

How--
How do you not know that?

My peer helper was sh*t.

I'm new here, I want to explore.

Explore?
At my old school in Paris,

we used to go out on the field
during recess just to have fun.

I-I-I don't know what kind of
European sex orgy

you're used to
being enrolled in,

but t-this is America.

We can't just do
whatever we want.

Ah, it seems the probation
bad boy has lost his edge, no?

♪

Bad boy.

What?

♪

[ Groans ]
[ Thuds ]

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah, no,
I wanted to do that.

I

I can't

I can't believe

I can't believe we're

I can't believe we're just

I can't believe we're just fully

I can't believe we're just fully
on

I can't believe we're just fully
on Culver

I can't believe we're just fully
on Culver Avenue

I can't believe we're just fully
on Culver Avenue right

I can't believe we're just fully
on Culver Avenue right now.

This is insane.

What is the big deal?

Uh, the big deal
is that I've literally

never been on Culver Avenue
not inside a car.

I mean, it's school time,

and I can feel
the freakin' wind on my face.

I'm like Dominic Toretto
zipping around town

in "The Fast and Furiouses."

Have you watched
the "Fasts"?

Yes. I love them!

My father worked for a company
that built the airplane

in "Fast and Furious 6."

What?
Yeah, I got to visit the set.

Oh, my God!
Are you freaking kidding me?!

Wait, t-tell me everything!
Did you get to see the cars?

Well,
what are famous people like?

Are they as short and horny
and stupid as everyone says?

No, they seemed cool.

On the last day of the sh**t,

Ludacris got a coffee truck
for the entire crew.

Oh, my God, Luda.

That man is classy.
It was really classy.

Jinx. [ Laughs ]
Jinx.

Oh, my God,
you know jinx.

So,
is your mom a stay at home

or does she also work
with Vin Diesel?

Uh, my mother passed away
a few years ago.

sh**t.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

Uh, honestly, I don't even know
what to say to that.

It's really, really okay.

Most people say the wrong stuff
and make it worse.

Well, I'll do my best
to not be one of those people.

And did she die violently,
or--

No, nothing like that.

Good. Okay, good.

That's what's up,
that's what's up.

Ooh, light's green.

Oh, my God,
an American diner?

Let's go get a burger.

It's 10:00 in the morning.

♪

Can't believe you almost said no
to the hat.

Hm, well,
I'm not 7 years old.

What the hell are you doing?

Just dipping my fries
into a milkshake.

It's a classic American combo.

Isn't it good?

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

You're a genius.
[ Both laugh ]

Boop!

Okay, ya weirdo.

Just a totally out-of-nowhere
french fry boop?

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I guess me too.
[ Chuckles ]

Why do you pretend
that you don't speak Farsi?

What is your issue?
You don't like being Persian?

Whoa, shifting gears.

I'm just saying,
it's cool that we're Persian.

Okay.
Yeah, I already know that.

Then why are you being weird
and uncomfortable?

There is literally nothing
on this planet

that can make me weird
or uncomfortable.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Hmm.

♪ Age Ye rooz beri safar-- ♪

What are you doing,
we're in a restaurant?

♪ Beri ze pisham bi khabar-- ♪

Mona, stop it.

♪ Asire royaha misham ♪

♪ Dobare baz tanha misham ♪

♪ Be shab migam pisham bemoone ♪

♪ Be baad migam
ta sob bekhoone ♪

♪ Bekhoone az diare yari ♪

♪ Chera miri tanham mizari? ♪

It's a Persian love song.

The man is telling her,
"If you leave me without notice,

I will held c*ptive
by my dreams.

I will be alone forever."

Our people are intense, no?

So intense.

Peter:

Peter: Savory

Peter: Savory or

Peter: Savory or sweet

Peter: Savory or sweet foods?

Peter: Savory or sweet foods?
I

Peter: Savory or sweet foods?
I never

Peter: Savory or sweet foods?
I never actually

Peter: Savory or sweet foods?
I never actually asked

Peter: Savory or sweet foods?
I never actually asked you.

Denise:
Um, I mean, I guess sweet.

What about you?
Um, on a good day sweet.

Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, hey.

How are you guys'
yesterdays?

What did you do?

Oh, my cousin's surgery
went off without a hitch.

We celebrated
by releasing balloons--

That's grea--
And that's great.

And while you did that,
I fully went off campus

with that new girl, Mona,

and we liked the same movies,

and she has a dead mom,
and she sings.

You ditched school?
Yes.

Sometimes you gotta just say eff
it and be a bad b*tch, Denise.

Is that her?

Oh, my God, what is she doing
at that table?

♪

Um, hey, what are you doing?

What is this?

Why is there water
at the bottom?

That's just how
American school lasagna is.

Hey, you can't sit here.
We have to sit somewhere else.

Uh, what?

Why? Nobody's here.

Those are just the rules.

Yeah, this is actually
where the popular kids sit.

Those guys right there.

That's who
you're worried about?

Chad, look at them.

They're nothing special.
They're just boys.

What? No, you don't know what
the hell you're talking about.

They're not just boys.

They're the most popular kids
in school.

They're just boys.
No, they're not!

Reid was in
a local commercial--

Okay, act natural.

Hello.

I am told no one can sit here
but you?

Uh, usually we sit here,
but it's all good.

You're kinda creating a scene,
Mona.

What are you talking about?
He just said, "It's all good."

Hey, are you new here?
No.

What's your name?
Um, my name is--

No, she's just some random
Persian girl.

She doesn't matter.

My name is Mona.

Nice to meet you.

♪

You-- Do--

♪

♪

♪ Age ye rooz beri safar ♪

♪ Beri ze pisham bi khabar ♪

♪ Asire royaha misham ♪

♪ Dobare baz tanha misham ♪

♪ Be shab migam pisham bemoone ♪

♪ Be baad migam
ta sob bekhoone ♪

♪ Bekhoone az diare yari ♪

♪ Chera miri tanham mizari? ♪

♪

[ Gasps ]

♪

Hamid: [ Snoring ]

Hamid? Hamid?

Hamid, are you awake?

[ Gasps, grunts ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

You're awake.

♪

Thank God you're a night owl,
Hamid.

Man,
I had the most intense dream.

Do you play
a weighted keyboard?

No, I'm afraid of instruments.

Huh.

Well, in the dream, this Persian
girl from school was singing,

and you guys were the backup
band, and Terry was there.

And the next thing I knew,

I was tenderly braiding
her hair, and I liked it.

So, what is that?

Well,
I'm not sure who Terry is,

but that sounds like
a big boy dream.

What the hell
are you talking about?

What happens
when you think about this girl?

Hm, I don't know.
My mouth gets dry,

and my palms get sweaty,

and I feel like
I have bees in my stomach

and hamsters in my butt.
Why?

Chaddy,
wake the heck the up!

You have a crush
on this chick.

Oh, my God.

Bless your tiny, little elderly
Persian instincts,

that's not it.

Maybe I'm wrong
and you're right.

You're the gangster.

I am a little bit
of a gangster, huh?

Mm.

♪

Mona: [ Laughs ]

Young man: Yeah.

[ Laughs ]
That's funny.

I don't know, I mean...

What are we all laughing at?

Seeing as how Kevin
has literally

never said anything funny
his entire life.

Am I wrong?

Uh, this is--
Am I wrong?

I guess I'm not wrong.

This is Mona.
We're just talking.

I know what the lady's name is,
Kevin.

I'm her peer helper.

You wouldn't know that 'cause
you're not a part of our lives.

No, actually
I'd like to talk to Kevin.

He's a nice guy,
and he's not embarrassed of me.

Okay.

Well, if you know Mona so well,
Kev-in,

why don't you riddle me this--

what does she like to do loudly
in restaurants?

What does it matter?

I'm just some random
Persian girl, remember?

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

Guys, I-I'm lost here.

I think I understand
what the problem is here.

♪

Kevin, a word?

♪

Mmm.

We need to talk.

♪

Whatever it is, not now.

I'm eating a sandwich,
just fired up a podcast.

There's drama between me
and Kevin.

♪

Kevin,
do you want to start?

I'll let Chad
take this one.

Kevin tried to replace me
as Mona's peer helper.

It's a coup tat tat.

She just asked me
where her class was.

I'm being replaced.
Chad, calm down.

No, I won't calm down.
You assigned me.

I'm the peer helper.

Tell him to back down
and get off my d*ck.

Nobody's on your d*ck.
Yes, you are!

Okay. Everybody get off
everybody's dicks.

Chad, it sounds like
he's just trying to be a friend.

Well, she doesn't need him, okay?

She has me,
I'm the peer helper.

Do you even realize

I've known her
an entire day longer than him?

Why does that matter?
Because I like her!

I like her!

Oh, my God.

Oh-- Oh, my God.
[ Door handle rattling ]

You need help with the locks, there?

Kev Dogg,
thank you so much.

[ The Jungle Giants' "I Am
What You Want Me To Be" plays ]

♪

Do you like her?

♪

Terry,
I can't talk right now!

♪ I want to sit ♪

♪ I want to sit
and read the paper ♪

♪ And I want to dream ♪

♪ I want to dream,
I want to dream ♪

♪ I want to dream ♪

♪ I want to dream
'bout you forever ♪

There you are.

I need to tell you something.

Well, what's up, champ?

Oh, my God,
this school is so g*dd*mn big.

Okay, I-I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but Hamid was right--
I have feelings for Mona.

I mean,
Hamid's always right.

That's amazing, Chad.

I know it's super adorable.

How do we trick her
into liking me back?

No, no, no, don't trick her--
just tell her.

And whatever you do,
don't wait.

I waited three days
to tell Denise,

and it was the biggest regret
of my life.

Would it be okay if we
just focused on me right now?

You're right.
Do you know where she is?

I know exactly where she is.
Let's go!

Wait, why am I coming?

Hey, you guys!
You're just boys!

That's it.
We're all just boys!

♪

♪ I am what you want me to be ♪

Where are we going?
Just follow me!

[ Tires screech, horn honks ]

Oh! Sorry.

♪

[ Door opens ]

♪

♪ Age ye rooz... ♪
[ Singing in broken Farsi ]

♪

Did I do it right?

Some of it.
Some of it, yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Mona, I'm really so sorry
a-about what I said.

I didn't mean any of it.

I just freaked out.
Those boys make me freak out.

Well,
I told you you shouldn't.

I bet they will all grow up
to be very mediocre.

Oh, I don't know,

I'm pretty sure people
who peak in high school

just keep on ascending
after that.

But I am sorry.

I know.

I forgive you.
And a-also--

I also wanted to say
that you're, like, really fun,

and I've truly enjoyed
these last 53 hours with you,

and I really just wanted
to tell you that I like y--

I have a boyfriend.
Hmm?

What was that, hmm?

I have a boyfriend back home.

I don't know if that matters
of is worth sharing,

but I realized
I never told you.

And you're my friend,
so I should tell you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's awesome.

Oh, my gosh,
that's really great.

I-I love that for you
and for him, too.

What was his name?
His name is Benoit.

Benoit.
Oh, my God, Benoit.

Must be such a good dude.

Is he a little French guy?

Um, he's not little, so--
Yeah.

Yeah, he's F--
Benoit sounds French as hell.

[ Laughs ]
That's really great.

I'm glad you are my peer helper,
Chad.

You're not sh*t.
You're fun.

You're cute and chaotic
in a truly fascinating way.

[ Chuckles ] Thank you.

Friends?

Friends.

[ Faramarz Aslani's
"Age Ye Rooz" plays ]

So, is your friend
going to sit with us

or he is just going
to watch us eat?

Oh, Peter?

No, he's good just standing
there watching us eat.

♪

♪ Age ye rooz beri safar ♪

♪ Beri ze pisham bi khabar ♪

♪ Asire royaha misham ♪

♪ Dobare baz tanha misham ♪

♪ Be shab migam pisham bemoone ♪

♪ Be baad migam
ta sob bekhoone ♪

♪ Bekhoone az diare yari ♪

♪ Chera miri tanham mizari? ♪