02x05 - Third Wheel

[bunniefuu]

[

[ Rapid

[ Rapid g*nf*re,

[ Rapid g*nf*re, tires

[ Rapid g*nf*re, tires squealing

[ Rapid g*nf*re, tires squealing
on

[ Rapid g*nf*re, tires squealing
on movie

[ Rapid g*nf*re, tires squealing
on movie screen

[ Rapid g*nf*re, tires squealing
on movie screen ]

Man: Hang on.
I know where we need to go.

My God,
there he goes again.

This doofus has been wrong
at every turn.

[ Tires screeching,
man screaming on movie screen ]

Okay,
random-a*s car crash.

[ Thudding on movie screen ]

Oh, sh*t, he dead.

Wow, I was starting
to get attached

to that character
a little bit.

[ Whispering ]

[ Giggles ]

What?

[ Whispering ]

♪

No!

There are p-people
all around us.

Guys, look, Tyrese
just got his son back.

Do you even care
about supporting the arts?

Wait, he's back now?

I thought he was dead.

Oh, look who decided
to use her mouth

for something
other than kissing.

Chad.
What's up, my man?

Anything you missed
about Tyrese,

I will remember
to tell you after--
Chad, we're dating.

It's perfectly normal for us
to kiss each other.

Okay, sure, Peter.

Why don't you just get naked

and let her squeeze
your p*nis?

What?
Forget it,
I can't take any more

of this sexual horseplay.

Oh, sh*t.

Peter, be careful!

Man: Shh!

Calm down, sir,
it's a matinee.

[ Candies clattering ]

How is it still
coming out of me?

♪

Ground rules?

Well, since Saturday night
was basically the two of you

starring in a porno movie,

yeah, I have some
ground rules moving forward.

Well,
let's just hear him out.

Sometimes restrictions
can be constructive,

or even titillating.
Okay, first rule,

please do not
use the word "titillating."

It has "tit" in it.

Also, please no baby-ish
giggling.

Let's just say no giggling
in general, actually, okay?

I don't like it.
Oh, boy.

There's a playfulness to it

that really pisses me off.
Stop him.

And no whispering to each other
in a romantic way.

Well, sometimes
Denise's throat gets tired,

so she has to whisper.

Okay, I will allow
for medical whispers

and medical whispers only.

Maybe you could just let Peter
make his own choices.

Oh, yeah, let's do that.

Well, I'm-- I--
See, Denise?

It's not going to work.

I printed this
at a Kinko's, you guys.

I don't have access to an air
print feature in my house.

I went out of my way to make
this explicitly clear to you.

If this is what it takes for us
to spend some time together

without you constantly
bothering us, fine.

Okay, great.
So I think it's only fair

we split up his time
extremely randomly.

I'll take Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday,

and you can have
the other days.

I think it's more fair
if we alternate nights.

You can take Friday,
I'll have Saturday,

let's say starting
at 3:00 p.m.?

Let's say 3:30.



♪

Chad?

♪

Are you good?

No, wait,
do I want Saturday?

Watch out
for the guy at 9:00.

Peter, I told you, I don't know
how to do clock stuff!

On your left.

Well, which way is my left?

The side with
your birthmark, Chad.

Oh!
Oh, yes!

Oh! Dude!

Yeah!

Okay, what's next?

That was incredible, and now
it's your turn to have fun.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, you're gonna just

sit in the chair
for this one? Okay.

Oh, Peter, I think
my screen is wrong.

I'm just staring
at a ravine.

No, that's right.

I guess it's not even
a game then.

It's more of just
we're watching a national park.

Oh, I feel like
I'm flying.

And now how do you feel
about stopping this

and doing something else?

Oh.
Okay, Peter, you got this.

Concentrate.

[ Sighs ]

I don't think we're gonna get
this tonight.

Yes, we will, man, come on.

This isn't just for us.
It's for the Internet, too.

Check it.

♪

Oh!
Oh!

[ Laughs ]
I got it in the volcano!

[ Laughs ]
That was so awesome!
Oh, man.

Dude, you know what we
haven't done in so long?

Spinnies?
Spinnies!

[ Laughter ]

Aah!
Whoa! [ Laughs ]

Oh, my God!

Whoa!
Oh.

Oh, my God, we were supposed
to be in bed 30 minutes ago.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, we're such rebels.

The rebellion has begun.
Mm.

Do you think your parents
are still fighting?
What?

[ Toothbrushes vibrating,
both giggling ]

So much fun.

Mm.

So, what time do you want me
to wake you up tomorrow?

Mm, let's see what time my
body naturally wants to wake.

Don't let me go past noon,
though, please.

Got it.
Sweet. [ Spits ]

Dude, so much fun
tonight.

Yeah.
Yeah!

What--
What was your favorite part?

Hmm.
What would you say?

Mm, we're probably gonna say
the same thing.

You go first.

I guess the virtual--
Virtual reality, yes!

[ Spits ]

Hey, you're not gonna rinse
after you spit?

You animal!

My dentist says
it's healthier.

♪

Hmm.

♪

Hmm.

[ Humming ]

♪

Conair.

I love that movie.

♪

Peter,
you want to tell me

why in the hell
you have sex condoms?

♪

I'm

I'm absolutely

I'm absolutely devastated.

Exactly how long have you
been a h* on the low?

Chad, I didn't want you
to find them.

Peter, for God's sakes,
there's like 50 condoms in here!

How many g*dd*mn penises
do you have?

Just hear me out, Chad.

Denise and I
haven't had sex yet.

[ Sighs ] Thank God.

But we've been talking about it,
and I want to be prepared.

How could you even keep
something like this from me?

I was worried
you'd be upset.

Plus, I had to test out
a few different styles

and thicknesses just to find
the most comfortable fit for me.

You got different kinds
of condoms

and put them up
on your p*nis

until you found the one
that impressed you?

Mm-hmm, yeah.
Is that something
every boy does,

or just something you do
'cause you're,

you know,
the way that you are?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Peter, I always pictured us
losing our virginities

together in adjoining
hotel rooms in Las Vegas

after
a freaking magic show!

I know, buddy, I know.
I'm sorry.

Oh. [ Scoffs ]

Don't be sorry. [ Chuckles ]
That's crazy.

No, I'm really happy
we talked about it.

Yeah, I'm mostly just wanting
to make sure you're ready,

you know,
so that you don't get stuck

with A*DS, HIV,
or quintuplets.

Well, I am,
and so is Denise.

In fact, I think tomorrow's
going to be the big night,

so yeah.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

You're so calm right now.

I guess I'll be more excited
when it actually happens, yeah.

Let's hope so.
Otherwise, your p*nis is broken.

♪

Peter, are you awake?

♪

Peter.

♪

Aww.
[ Chuckles ]

♪

[ Snorts ]

[ Chuckles ]
Sleepy little Peter.

[ Chuckles ]

What the heck?

[ Upbeat piano music
playing on cellphone ]

♪

Just full-out inseparable.

It's cute.

Oh, yeah, that day.

♪

Oh. Oh, God.

♪

[ Crying ] Why is my phone
doing this to me?

I can't put my mother
in a home.

Maria: Well, there's no way
she's living here.

Over my dead body.

Maria, she fractured
her hip.

What-- What do you
want her to do?

She's--
Hey, Bill.

Hi.
Hey, Maria.

How long were you
standing there?

Guys were mad about mom--
mom stuff.

No, we're fine, yeah.
We're fine. It's fine.

For what it's worth, Bill,
I love your mom.

Thank you.
So, I hope Maria agrees
to look after her as she...

Okay.
...slowly passes away.

Oh, she's--
No, that's not what's happening.

Oh, sorry about that.
That's okay.

Usually with old age, I feel
like injuries lead to death.

Is everything okay, bud?

We were about to watch
"Forensic Files."

Everything's not okay.

You guys are not
gonna like this.

Getting on the bed.
[ Chuckles ]

I found these
in Peter's drawer.

They're condoms.

Yeah.
Yeah, I see that.

Unless he's doing
finger puppets,

there's only one thing
they can be for.

Mm.
[ Sighs ]

Should we wake him up,

and which one of you
wants to tell him

he can no longer
have sex?

Uh, sweetie.

I know that some people
are moving a lot faster

than other people
through life,

but I think the best thing
you can do right now

is just to accept
what's happening

and be happy
for your friend.

With all due respect, where
the hell is the parenting here?

That's not gonna happen.
No.

Bill, you've got to lay down
the hammer, Bill.

I-I don't-- I don't have--

I don't have a hammer.
I don't.

Alright, I'll just go ahead
and let you guys get back

to what I can only imagine

are the final gasps
of your marriage.

I love you guys.

♪

Peter: Chad, you don't
have to do this.

Denise, I know what you intend
to do to Peter's body tonight.

You told him?
He found the condoms.

I found...
the condoms.

It happened very organically,
no matter what gets back to you.

And I got to admit, at first,

I was a little reluctant
to get on board.

Not something
we need you to do.

But I reflected for a while
and, completely on my own,

came to
a place of acceptance.

This is so weird.
It's funny, I was actually
doing some research,

and it turns out today
is also the anniversary

of the assassination
of John Kennedy.

Come on, Chad.
So sad.

So don't be hard on yourselves,
but, yeah,

I'm guessing
it will be impossible

not to think of that motorcade
during all the sex parts.

My God, please, Chad.

I mean, the video
really shows it all.

Darling Jackie crawling out
the back of the car

to put her sweet husband
back together.

He'll be done soon.
She didn't think that was

gonna happen when she threw
on that cute little

pink skirt suit
that morning.
Chad.

One day you're cruising on
a convertible with the top down,

and the next--
Please stop.

Baby, let me handle this.
Bam!

Little John-John is
saluting your casket

in front of
the international community.

Chad, if you were trying
to creep us out of having sex,

it's not going to work,
and you were supposed to be gone



Thank you, Peter.

Whoa, message received,
Peter.

I'm sorry this is happening
on the day

that changed
our nation forever.

One last thing.

It's pretty commonly known

that the first time
can definitely hurt.

Oh, my God.
So if that happens,

Peter, there's no shame.

Tell her it's hurting
and tell her to stop.

Um, I don't think
that's how it works.

Peter, this is no time
for machismo.

You're a modern man.

Pull out if it hurts.

♪

Stop it!
Stop having sex!

Get out of her!

Uh, Chad, we haven't
gotten to that yet.

Oh, thank God.
[ Sighs ]

Well, then, allow me to calmly
tell you we are not ready.

What does that mean?
What do you mean "we"?

Neither of us are ready
for that stage of our lives.

And I'll let you know
when we are.

You'll thank me later, Peter.
This is for your own good!

Chad,
you can't flush those!

♪

Chad,

Chad, you

Chad, you can't

Chad, you can't throw

Chad, you can't throw
condoms

Chad, you can't throw
condoms down

Chad, you can't throw
condoms down a

Chad, you can't throw
condoms down a toilet.

What were you thinking?
I'mma be real with you, Bill,

I was at an emotional 10.

I was not thinking.

And obviously, I'm so sorry
I won't be able to reimburse you

for any of those damages.

Okay, um,
Peter and Denise,

I hope that this didn't
ruin your special day.

Wait,
do your parents know?

[ Sighs ]
This is so creepy.

Oh, no, no, no, sweetheart,
it's very natural,

and, please,
if you guys need more condoms,

we are more than happy
to buy you some.

Appreciate it, but I think
we'll pass on that.

Alright, um,
let's give them some space.

Yeah, this is fun.
[ Clears throat ]

Thanks, you guys.
Mm-hmm.

Chad,
why are you doing this?
I don't know.

Come-- Come on,
there has to be a reason.

I don't know.
You have to know.

Because, Peter, once you
start having sex,

you're probably
never gonna stop

and then I'll never
see you again.

Oh, buddy.

I'm-- I'm sorry
you feel that way.

I'm never gonna
leave you behind.

Are you kidding me
right now, Peter?

Uh--
I'm the one you
should be saying sorry to.

Okay.
Uh, I'm sorry.

Forget it.
I don't want a sorry.

I wanted to have sex
with my boyfriend

without getting
repeatedly c*ck blocked

by his co-dependant
best friend.

No, Denise, wait.
Just leave her.

Get off me, Chad.

You did not just jostle me
right now.

[ Both grunting ]

Stop!

Freakin' rip your head
off your body!

Don't suffocate me!

Do not suffocate me!

[ Both continue grunting ]

Get off of me!

What is wrong with you?!

[ Both breathing heavily ]

You need to leave.

Fine.

♪

Aah! Dumbass stupid slippery
foot pedals!

♪

[ Grunts ]

Chaddy,
is everything okay?

No, and I don't want
to talk about it!

Of course.
I'm here if you need me.

Aah! How could I leave
my rook exposed?

- Rookie mistake.
- Rookie mistake!

[ Laughs ]
Oh, that k*lled me, literally.

Oh, Mohsen, 45 years
of playing chess with you

and it never gets old.

[ Indistinct ]

♪

My God.

♪

Excuse me, missus.

Can you open this case?

I'm ready
to make my selection.

It's actually for someone
pretty special, not me.

If you have
any recommendations...

No.
Okay.

Feels like I'm playing
p*nis roulette here.

[ Sighs ]

Do you by any chance have one
that says "for his pleasure"?

It's really him that I'm trying
to create pleasure for.

That's gonna be no condom.

[ Chuckles ]

Love that.
[ Chuckles ]

I'll just get
a little medley.

Alright.
I'm assuming these are
all very affordable.

Thank you for your help.

Yeah.

♪

Not sure of these relate,

but let's go ahead
and throw those in, too.

Do I hand them to you here?

Uh-- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

You got this.

Did your turtle
really get run over?

To be honest, no.

Misha is thriving.

But I did say that
to get you to come here.

Please follow me.

Well, I just wanted to apologize
to you guys

for being a real jerk-off
and a bad friend.

And to make it up
to you guys...

I want you to have your sexual
intercourse in my bedroom.

What?
I figured you probably
don't want to do it

at Peter's house now,

and my family's at Niki's
dumbass basketball game.

So, yeah, there's a beach towel
and some vegetable oils.

Hmm.
It's canola.

It's not organic.

Wow, Chad, you really
put in some effort here.

I really did.

Check this out.

You can get those signs
to say anything you want now.

I picked the word
that is what we're gonna--

is happening in here.

Chad, this is, you know,
really sweet,

but I don't think Denise wants
our first time to be on--

It's great.
It's perfect, let's go.

Okay, guess
we're doing this.

Okay, Denise is horned up.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Those are for you.

Oh. Thanks, Chad.

And this is for you.

"Her pleasure,"
so it's probably scented

or has little shapes
or sparkles you might like.

As insane as this all is,
I can tell it's coming

from a good place,
so thanks, Chad.

Thank you.

Are you sure you want us
to have sex on your bed?

Very sure.

Go to town on each other.

I welcome it.

Will you text me
when it's done?

You got it.

Ugh. [ Chuckles ]
I don't know why I'm nervous.

Mm.

Thanks again.

You're welcome.

Be good to him.

♪

So, uh, we just, uh--
Yeah.

Yeah.
Okay.

♪

Love you.

Love you, too.

♪

Oh, sh**t.

You guys, I left my phone
in there.

♪

Sorry!

♪ I got hoes calling
a Young Sheck Wes's phone ♪

♪ Phone ♪

♪ Where's Ali
with the mother... dope? ♪

♪ With the mother... dope? ♪

♪ Dope? ♪

♪ With the mother... dope? ♪

♪ Dope? ♪

♪

♪ Young Sheck Wes,
I do it on the go ♪