[knocks on door]
- [RA] Room check!
- [student] Oh, sh*t. [Strains]
- One second!
- [RA] Come on. Open up.
- [door opens]
- All right, where's the drugs?
[student] Drugs? What are drugs?
[RA] Search her room! Find them!
[Monty shrieks]
Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go.
Shirts, pants, socks. Shirts, pants.
That's good!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[grunts] Oh, my!
Move!
- Excuse me. Sorry. [Exclaims]
- My yogurt!
[grunts]
- What the f*ck?
- [Monty] Sorry.
f*cking as*h*le.
- [items clatter]
- Oh, man, start.
- [machine whirs]
- Come on.
Come on.
[buzzes]
[sighs]
[Monty clears throat]
Oh. Excuse me.
Yeah?
Yeah, do you by any chance
have any extra quarters?
Oh. Um, let me check.
[coins jingle]
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
[coins jingle]
Thanks. [Chuckles]
Your name's Montgomery, right?
Yeah, and your name's
Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray?
- That is all four of them, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Ashley Mackenzie Merriman Gray,
like, it just kind of falls out.
You know, it's funny, I feel like we
are always here at the exact same time.
Well, no one's got dirtier undies than me.
Not from poop, to be clear.
- Or come.
- So piss?
No, just normal stuff. I'm not weird.
[jingling continues]
Okay. [Chuckles]
I'll see you around.
["Makin It (Recorded)" plays]
Makin' it
Ooh-ooh-ooh
Makin' it
I'm solid gold, I've got the goods
They stand when I walk
Through the neighborhoods
I'm makin' it
- I've got the chance, I'm takin' it
- Hey, guys. How are you? It's good to...
No more, no more, fakin' it
- This time in life, I'm makin' it
- I'm sorry. I'm
Ooh-ooh-ooh
Makin' it
- Eat sh*t.
- [song stops]
[song resumes]
- Hello uptown, goodbye pover...
- [song stops]
That's what you get for ruining
the football team, as*h*le.
I'm makin' it
Hi.
- [grunt] Oh.
- [song stops]
f*ck yourself and your freak-a*s face.
I'm takin' it
No more, no more fakin' it
This time...
- [Song stops]
- There he is!
[screams] Oh, f*ck!
[Song resumes]
No! No! No!
- Somebody grab him!
- Freak-a*s!
- Freak-a*s Face!
- Rip off his skin!
All right, everybody, f*ck off
and listen to me for a second, please!
I know you're upset about what happened
with the football team.
I'm sorry.
But who amongst us all
hasn't ever made a mistake?
We all have.
So if you don't think that I deserve
the basic human decency
of a second chance, then fine, go ahead.
Tape me to the top of that clock tower
and pelt me with water balloons
full of piss. But if not
g*dd*mn it.
[coins jingling]
Hey, Jack.
Hi, Monty. How was your day?
- Uh.
- [coin jingles]
Not great. How was yours?
- I'm covered in piss.
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
You know what's gonna make it all better?
- Quiet night of sleep.
- A concerning amount of alcohol.
- Let's boogie.
- Oh, wow, we said very different things.
Housing requests due by midnight.
Guys, housing requests due by midnight.
Montgomery and Jack,
email your housing request in by midnight.
- Also, Jack, go f*ck yourself.
- Hmm? Ah.
Where do you want to live next year?
Should we do Orrick Tower,
Stonewell Court, or
Ugh.
As long as it's not Gralk Hall.
That place is literal hell.
You know what I mean?
[groans] Come on, dude, stop hiding.
Just ask her out.
- Are you nuts? No.
- Why?
Girls like Ashley don't like guys like me.
- What's wrong with you?
- I'm weird. I sound like a little old man.
Girls like alphas.
Strong provider-types like him.
[spits]
- Hot.
- So that's why I'm gonna trick her
into thinking I'm an alpha,
and then she'll ask me out.
Wow. That's the creepiest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
It's not creepy, it's sweet.
You barely know her.
You may not even actually like her.
Of course I like her.
When I think of the two of us together
[Soft synth music plays]
it feels like I'm floating
on a cloud of lavender
while being sung to by lollipop pixies.
Never mind. That's the creepiest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
- Stop staring at her.
- [gasps]
[cackles]
It's time to take this
and put it into this
so we can turn off this.
- Look at her. Exquisite, right?
- Whoa.
- Dang.
- Give her a touch.
Give her a stroke.
Perv. Wanna give a toast?
Ah, may the crop grow strong,
and your pants stay up, and the night
Don't worry, man, I got this sh*t.
To turning around this shitty day.
[pounds on door]
- Oh, f*ck.
- Crud.
Logan.
What's up, dildos?
- Can we please not do this tonight?
- [Logan] Relax.
I know that we come in here every weekend,
we hold you down and we fart in your faces
for what you did to the football team,
but we have taken some time to reflect
and we decided to apologize.
Wow. Really?
No, we came to fart on your faces!
- f*ck you. f*ck you. f*ck you.
- Pin him down.
[shouts]
- Come here.
- [groans]
[Logan] I'm gonna fart in your face.
[Jack] I will never
f*cking accept this sh*t. f*ck!
I'll save you the trouble.
Right here okay?
- That's perfect. Thanks.
- [Jack] Every week. So f*cking harsh.
- f*ck you. f*ck off.
- [Logan] Buddy, you know the drill.
[grunts] Oh. Oh. Oh.
- It's okay, Jack. Think happy thoughts.
- Shut up, Montgomery.
Open wide, pookie.
- No! No! No!
- [farts]
[Logan] Oh, sh*t.
Hey, dumb-a*s,
mind if I borrow your charger?
Oh, I should warn you,
it's actually a third-party charger,
[muffled] and it's technically
against the terms of service
- to use it.
- Shut up.
Dude, this pajama party tonight
is gonna be so sick.
- Pre-game at my place?
- Totally.
- I got beer.
- Nice.
- I got some weed.
- Swag.
- And I'm bringing Wizard's Oath.
- [farts]
What?
It's a fantasy board game.
- It's actually really fun.
- [farts]
[laughing]
That was refreshing, dawg.
I feel, like, a pound lighter.
[coughing]
All right. Let's bounce.
Oh! What the f*ck?
Your charger fried my phone.
Well, I did warn you
it's a third-party charger.
Break my phone, huh?
- How about I break your bottle?
- Oh, sh*t.
- No!
- [all laughing]
Look at his freak-a*s face.
- Losers.
- Later, dickheads!
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Just give us a f*cking break.
[Tiffany] Lizzy!
- [Jack] f*ck!
- Ugh.
f*ck all those guys.
God, I hope I don't get pink eye again.
This whole night's f*cking ruined.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
I was gonna start Lysander
on a new brand of nectar tonight,
- and he gets temperamental.
- No! No!
I can't stand another night
listening to you talk about the dietary
restrictions of your pet butterfly.
We're in college, Monty.
These are supposed to be
the best years of our lives.
Look at me.
I'm the type of guy who's built
for a place like this, dude.
I could be ruling the school.
I should be doing Jell-O shots
and sparkler keg stands,
but everyone hates me.
- W-Well, not me.
- You don't count.
Okay, I know what you need.
I'm ordering us a pizza. [Chuckles]
Because no matter how bad things are,
pizza makes everything a little better.
Remember first semester when we ate pizza
and played games all night...
Stop. What are you doing?
You don't get to do a speech.
I'm doing a speech. I'm sad.
Plus, pizza is not gonna
do anything for me, man.
I need something to obliterate my brain!
What's this?
"M.I.N.T.S."?
[gasps] Oh, my God.
These are drugs.
No. No. No!
- Come on!
- Are you insane?
- What are the odds of this?
- I'm not doing random ceiling drugs.
- We don't even know what they are.
- Fine.
We'll do some research. Hmm?
Drugs, pink pill, exploding head.
What the f*ck?
- One result?
- That's shady.
Om
Tidings, psychedelic adventurers.
It's me, Frankie Of Course.
- Frankie
- Of course
Her green screen sucks.
I'll be your cosmic captain
on this journey today.
Please keep your vibes
inside the vehicle at all times.
- [boat bell rings]
- Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo!
- Skip ahead.
- Yeah, I'm gonna skip ahead.
I dated Mickey Rourke. It was fine.
- Keep going forward.
- All right.
Presenting: Mind Igniting
Neural Tuning Stimulants, or M.I.N.T.S.
That is dangerously misleading.
This drug will give you
an incredible high.
- Ha!
- How would I describe it?
It makes you feel like you're
floating on a cloud of lavender
- being sung to by lollipop pixies.
- [keyboard clicks]
Dude, that's exactly your thing.
- No.
- Come on.
- No. No. No.
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- No. No.
- Come on. Come on.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Come on. Please. I'll do anything.
- No. No. No.
- Really?
- No! Jack, the answer is no.
And now we wait.
- [RA] Drugs. Alcohol.
- [camera roll clicking]
Debauchery.
Every year our school sinks deeper
into a swamp of vice and buffoonery.
Until now.
[Epic music plays]
Welcome, fellow RAs.
For weeks, we have been
preparing for tonight
to rain fiery vengeance
upon the drug-addled delinquents
that have turned this dorm
into a waking nightmare.
There will be no mercy.
Order will be restored.
And those who have violated our rules
shall be shattered
on the anvil of discipline.
Are you with me?
Yes, Resident Adviser!
Adviser! Yes!
Oh. [Chuckles]
Sorry, I'm new, just out of sync. I'm new.
This guy didn't tell me
about the call and response.
[chuckles] I wouldn't. It's very scary.
Let's move out.
And then I'm like, "Guys, don't worry,
I'm not gonna fart in your faces."
And then I f*cking farted
in his face, dude!
- [laughing]
- Those guys f*cking blow.
Those guys f*cking blow.
[laughs]
Yeah, those guys f*cking blow.
They are funny though.
What? Did you just say they're funny?
No.
Why would I say that?
[chuckles]
Anyway, let's get f*cked up!
- [glass shatters]
- Oh, my... Lizzy!
[groans]
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
[keyboard clicking]
- [text message whooshes]
- [phones chiming, buzzing]
- Oh, man, I'm tired.
- Yeah, it's late.
- I also am tired.
- [Logan] Me too.
Maybe we should call it a night.
Hey, Lizzy, you're closest to the door.
Why don't you just leave first
and the rest of us will follow?
Okay, sure. Yeah.
See you around.
[sighs, huffs]
Hey, remember when I said
I wasn't gonna fart in their faces,
but then I did fart in their faces?
You know, I guess I'll just cancel
this party bus that I got for us.
- Party bus?
- I ordered us
this totally awesome party bus
as a surprise,
but if you're tired,
then I'll just cancel it.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Do not cancel it.
I feel like I'm getting a second wind.
- Yeah, me too.
- I also am no longer tired.
[Logan] Can I get a
[chants] Lizzy, Lizzy,
Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy!
Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy!
You f*cking rule, dude!
You think I can honk the horn?
["Sound of the Money" plays]
You feel anything?
No. Wait.
- No.
- f*ck.
- These duds?
- I guess so. Wanna play Wizard's Oath?
No, we can't. We need three people.
I could play.
No, it'd take too long
to teach you the rules.
[squelching]
Oh, no.
[screaming]
Somebody, help!
- Are you ready, kids?
- [kids] Yes!
Here we go.
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
- Everything's happy, everything's nice
- Why are our hands singing?
No one's gonna die today
Oh.
Hey.
- You seeing this?
- He's moving.
- He's coming towards us.
- He's getting real close. Oof.
- He wants me to shake his hand.
- Just go for it. Yeah.
- [horn toots]
- Oh!
- He touched my nipple!
- Hey, what the f*ck, man?
[audience member] Stop!
Hola. My name is Juan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Is that a f*cking baby?
- The baby does not like your work.
- [baby] Mm-mmm.
- Do it again.
[screaming]
Everything's happy, everything's nice
- This again?
- Everything's happy, everything's nice
- f*ck. No. Back up.
- No. Please stay over there.
- Don't do it.
- I don't want to be impolite.
- What?
- Oh, he did it again.
- What did you expect?
- [Juan] Stop!
- [baby whines]
- She hates it. Do it again.
[screaming]
Happy, happy, nice, nice
- Happy, nice, happy, nice
- Hey!
- No, not again!
- Happy, happy, nice, nice
- Again.
- Everything's happy, everything's nice
- Everything's happy, everything's nice
- He's gone. No! No!
- No one's gonna die today
- Again.
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
- Everything's happy
- Again.
- No one's gonna die today
- I don't want this anymore!
- f*ck you, baby!
- Again!
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Someone's gonna die today
We're all gonna die today
- She likes it. The baby likes it.
- [applauding, cheering]
[vocalizing]
[screams]
Why are we in the f*cking shower?
Well, the good news is the drugs work.
Oh, do they? None of that felt like
a gentle cloud of lavender.
I just got molested by Pinocchio's cousin.
Did that happen?
I think I already repressed that.
All right, we gotta figure out
what this stuff is.
Lysander, no, get out of there.
Crate! No drugs for you.
You feel like you're floating
on a cloud of lavender
- being sung to by lollipop pixies
- [buzzer sounds]
- so long as you take it with food.
- What?
Without food,
the drug has six distinct phases
punctuated by normal periods of lucidity.
First is a prologue
called "Make the Baby Like It."
Definitely did that one.
Then, "No Bad Words,"
"Flashbacks,"
"The Ol' Switcheroo,"
"Nothing But The Truth,"
and "We Are All One."
[vocalizes]
- What's that?
- It's my WorryWart. It calms me down.
Gotta say I'm pretty dang proud
of myself for making these drugs.
I made them right here
in my dorm room, 3J.
- Oh, sh*t. Sorry.
- Wait, is that this room?
I know I'm still in college, but
don't worry, I'm a chemistry genius, okay?
- That's good.
- I mean, hell,
I frigging built these cabinets
using my own homemade epoxy.
We're gonna die.
- A few important things before I forget.
- [buzzer sounds]
One, do not take more than a single dose.
If you do, you will see
the true horrible nature of reality.
What does that mean?
And two, there is a final phase
that I didn't yet mention.
It's called:
"Your worst nightmare comes to life
and shoves a chainsaw up your a*s."
[gasps, stammers] What?
My boyfriend Garrett went through it,
and look what happened to him.
Anyway, if you don't want that
to happen to you, eat some food.
And by food, I mean specifically a mixture
of wheat, nightshades, and dairy.
- So pizza?
- Yeah, it's pizza, dum-dums.
Happy sailing.
- Hope you don't get chainsaw f*cked!
- [bell tolls]
-Wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo, wee-hoo
-[Jack groans]
"Your worst nightmare comes to life
and shoves a chainsaw up your a*s"?
- Okay.
- Cheese and rice!
I just wanted a quiet night
and now I'm gonna get chainsaw f*cked
- by the Rat King from The Nutcracker.
- Chill, dude.
It's not gonna Wait, your worst
nightmare is the Rat King from The Nut...
From the New Jersey Ballet's
2007 production of The Nutcracker.
You haven't seen it.
- It's terrifying.
- It's not gonna happen, okay?
What did she say?
It'll mellow out when we have some pizza.
- [phone buzzing]
- And look, there it is right now.
Hello, sir, can you please bring the pizza
directly to room 3J with extreme haste?
- [chime plays]
- [robotic voice] Hello.
I am Snackatron 3000.
I have arrived at your location
with a food delivery for Montgomery
from the restaurant
[pizza shop owner] What do I say,
the name of the pizza place?
Okay, it's Joe's Pizza.
It's a f*cking robot.
Actually, I'm a Snackatron.
3J. Bring the pizza to 3J now.
I am sorry, but there is a set of stairs
impeding my journey.
Stairs are my mortal enemy.
To receive your pizza from
[pizza shop owner]
I got to record this again? Joe's
[Snackatron] I'm afraid you will need
to meet me in the lobby.
I hope you will be satisfied
with your order.
No, Snackatron, I will not be satisfied.
No, there's no way we're going out there.
Ashley's out there, RAs,
and who knows what else!
Hey, it's gonna be fine, dude.
It's just two flights of stairs, right?
Come on, I'm gonna be with you
the whole time.
[chuckles]
Yeah, yeah.
Watch how I walk
If you wanna chat to me
Watch how you talk
Leave my legacy
Leave my mark
On top
Best know I'm the boss
[music stops]
[door closes]
Why are you wearing a suit?
I don't want people to know I'm high.
- Smart.
- So what's our plan?
Okay, it's simple.
We take the elevator down,
we grab the pizza, we eat it,
and then we're floating on a cloud of
lavender before the next phase even hits.
- You ready?
- Yes.
- I don't know. Okay, yes.
- Great.
Then let's do this f*cking...
[screams]
[both gasping]
- What? What? Oh, my gosh.
- [screams]
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, are you okay?
- Yeah, I think, I think, I think.
- What the f*ck?
[screaming]
Why are our heads exploding?
What in the absolute hell?
[screams]
f*ck!
[breathes heavily]
Okay. Okay. Just don't do anything.
I'm not doing anything.
I think our heads explode
if we say curse words.
g*dd*mn it.
No!
Fine, okay, I'll just say, like, dang it.
[screams]
Darn it.
All right, I'll make up my own.
- Cremble sauce.
- We can't say cremble sauce?
Okay, just stay super G-rated.
Let's get to the elevator.
[chuckles]
Hey, it's Freak-a*s Face.
Hey, suck my d*ck.
Hey, it's Freak-a*s Face.
Hey, suck my d*ck.
All right, it's out of my system.
- Hey
- Hey!
Almost there.
And we're here.
Montgomery. Hey.
Holy crap.
You got this, man.
I'm a provider. I'm suave.
I'm an alpha. Whoo!
Montgomery. Hi.
What's up, player?
sh*t.
- Hi.
- Ahoy there.
Nope. Queef!
- Hi.
- Happy evening to you,
- my sweet baby, baby, baby.
- f*ck that.
I'ma pitch you a line. "Hi, Ashley."
- Hi, Ashley.
- Just like that.
- Hi, Ashley.
- Hi.
- Hey, I did it.
- Don't say it out loud, dumb-a*s.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ashley.
What's that?
It's my WorryWart, which alphas don't use.
- We gotta start this whole thing over.
- No, it's good! It's good! It's fine!
- c**t.
- [chuckles] Excuse me?
- c**t.
- [Ashley] What?
- Not you. c**t.
- c**t.
- Sorry.
- Sorry. c**t.
- Sorry. c**t. Sorry.
- c**t.
- Sorry. c**t. c**t.
- Sorry. c**t. c**t.
- c**t. c**t. c**t.
- c**t. c**t.
- Stop!
- We can say c**t,
but we can't say cremble sauce?
[Frankie] I sourced the chemicals
from Manchester, England.
- Oh, it's a British drug.
- That's so f*cking stupid.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ashley. How's your night going?
Grood? Grood? Shart.
- Hi.
- [Monty] Hi, Ashley.
How's your night going? Good?
Yeah, I've actually had a crazy week
working on my music thesis, so
- Oh, so you're a music major?
- Yeah.
- Who's your favorite musician?
- Sondheim.
Sondheim? I love musicals.
Oh, Stephen Sondheim? I hate him.
I like Matsuishi Sondheim.
Who the f*ck is that?
Okay, apparently this guy does something
called Clowncore Vomit Opera.
[Intense music plays]
Have you ever heard of Matsuishi Sondheim?
Oh, my God, are you serious? I love him.
Have you ever heard of the song that goes
Oh!
Ooh!
Duh! "My Mother Pisses Death"?
[chuckles] Nobody ever likes that one.
And most guys are real pussies about it,
but it's so cool to meet someone
that's actually into it.
- Well, this has been nice.
- Yeah.
I hope the rest of your night
is really grood.
Duck f*ck!
[grunts]
Uh, "duck f*ck"?
Oh, no. Is it over?
Is what over?
The American dream.
Oh.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I am starving,
so I'm gonna go get some food.
- But it was great getting to know you.
- [chuckles]
I'll see you.
[chuckles] My freaking boy.
[both groan]
Just so you know,
I got a weird f*cking vibe about her.
[Mellow music playing]
[knocks on door]
[Blake] Room check.
[coughs]
Come in.
[Blake] Sorry to interrupt.
May I?
Please, yeah.
[blows raspberry]
This stuff's so annoying.
Okay. Prohibited items.
- Do you guys have any drugs, alcohol?
- No.
- Uh, firearms, weaponry?
- No.
- Free-standing waffle makers?
- No.
Any large bongs
shaped like a jar of dill pickles?
No.
Great. I will leave you to it.
Ooh.
You know
Some kids lie.
[chuckles]
They think I won't notice.
But lies have a smell
A texture.
It clings to their clothes
like smoke.
You're hiding a pickle bong
and some alcoholic iced tea, are you not?
Yes.
You're hiding them in the fridge,
aren't you?
Yes.
Deli drawer or crisper?
Crisper.
[clicks tongue]
Well, that's a violation.
I'm afraid I'll have to
confiscate your phone for the night.
- No, you can't confiscate my phone.
- I said confiscate his phone!
[Dramatic music plays]
[muffled dialogue]
Each of you has a list.
You are to collect the cell phones
of everyone on it.
Use whatever justification you need.
- Understood?
- Yes, Resident Adviser, sir!
[Jack] What the hell?
Did someone break this?
- Come on, why is it taking so long? f*ck.
- [machinery clanging]
[student crying]
- [Monty] Geez.
- [Jack] Oh, God, this guy.
[Monty] What happened?
Got transferred to Gralk Hall.
- No.
- Yeah.
[Jack] The worst dorm in school.
It's four hours away.
[sobbing continues]
He might as well be dead.
[whispers] That was his f*ck buddy.
- Sorry for your loss.
- Go f*ck yourself, Jack.
We got to get our housing requests in.
[elevator dings]
Oh, thank God.
It got stuck between floors.
Can you guys please get me out of here?
Stairs?
Wait. Wait, no.
You can't just leave me like this.
I'm gonna go insane! Please, come back!
Just two floors, and we're good.
[student 2] No! Somebody help!
Somebody, help me!
- No! Where are you taking me?
- sh*t.
- RAs.
- They took my phone!
They took my phone!
They took his phone.
Are they allowed to do that?
[student 2] What will become of us? No!
- Take him to the wellness lounge.
- Yeah.
All right, guys, let's get him
to the wellness lounge.
I love it. I agree.
- It's a good plan.
- Who are you again?
Oh, I'm Sidney Putt [chuckles]
sophomore RA in training.
- You're a sophomore?
- Yeah, but I am 31 years young.
I took a bit of a gap decade
before I started school.
- Wow.
- But now I'm so excited to be an RA.
- Uh-huh.
- I'd love to know the inside jokes.
- Mmm.
- Who's ribbing who, who's kissing who.
[chuckles] You ever huff helium?
Shut the f*ck up!
You two stay and don't
let anyone downstairs.
- f*ck us.
- Crud.
Now how do we get downstairs?
[gasps] Building renovations.
There's scaffolding
outside the corner room.
We can just climb down
to the second floor from there, huh?
We got this.
[knocks on door]
Hi, we were wondering
if we could use your window.
You.
- Oh, hey, it's you.
- [student] f*ck off.
What the hell was that about?
Earlier today,
I accidentally hit him with a football.
Great, so we're stuck.
Hey, Logan, uh, sorry, just call me back.
I can't find you guys.
- Hi.
- Hi, Lizzy.
- Hi.
- Why are you wet?
Uh, I just, um, I'm having kind
of a weird night, uh, but I'm fine.
Dandy, bye.
Bye. as*h*le.
No.
[screams]
Your head's been exploding.
- You're on our drug.
- What?
- What? What are you talking about?
- [laughs]
- I didn't take any drugs.
- You are so f*cked.
[laughing continues]
Stop laughing.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
- I think it's a trauma response.
- [Lizzy] But I didn't take any...
[gasps]
Oh, my God, this all makes sense now.
Earlier tonight, when I was in your room,
Logan was talking about the pajama party,
and I spotted a tin of mints on your desk.
- [Jack] Those weren't mints, dumb-a*s.
- [Monty] Lizzy, those were not mints.
[Lizzy] No sh*t. I'm aware,
because I ate one and just a little later
Why are my hands singing?
I started tripping my g*dd*mn ba*ls off
in front of Logan and all of his friends.
[vocalizing]
Wait. How are we even seeing this?
Are we like inside her memory?
sh*t, I think I remember this
from the video.
This must be the next phase.
There's more of these?
[Frankie on laptop] There is a final phase
that I didn't yet mention.
It's called:
"Your worst nightmare comes to life
and shoves a chainsaw up your a*s."
"Your worst nightmare comes to life
and shoves a chainsaw up your a*s"?
See, I do sound like a little old man.
You dumb f*ck. Who just leaves drugs out
for anyone to take?
Who eats random pills out of a tin?
I've never done anything
that stupid in my life.
- You ready, Montgomery?
- What's the plan here, Jack?
We leap off the roof
and float to the ground
like a pair of graceful falcons.
You were saying?
All right, so I've done one dumb thing,
but at least we had fun.
- [screams]
- [thuds]
[sighs] This is like
the worst day of my life.
I'm Lizzy the Magnificent.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Everyone, look closely. Now
it's a banana, and now it's a chicken.
[squeaks]
[gasps] You were incredible.
Were you using wires or mirrors back here?
Now, could I have a volunteer?
This is so lame.
[children laughing]
Jesus Christ,
children are f*cking sociopaths.
I didn't know you did magic.
You should have told me you did magic.
I would have loved
to have seen some tricks.
You know, back when we were friends.
I miss those Wednesdays.
We'd all meet in the cafeteria
and play Wizard's Oath.
It was so fun. Remember how far we got?
We were about to storm the Fortress
of Thalamir and finally finish the game,
but then
Lizzy ditched us.
That's f*cking good, dawg.
I'll tell them
I'm not gonna fart in their faces,
but I totally will do that.
Hang on, I never ditched you guys.
- Don't say I ditched you.
- [Tiffany] Lizzy!
Also, you're leaving out the part where
you sabotaged the whole football team.
- Oh, come on, that was an accident.
- Yeah, right.
- What the f*ck?
- Wait.
I can prove it.
It was first semester.
I was king of the campus, aka,
I was the school mascot.
So per tradition, I held the honor
of leading the football team
in their annual naked run.
Gentlemen!
Cheeks out!
[football players] Yeah!
Have fun out there.
Just remember, stick to the path.
[Jack] But I had bigger plans
than the path.
[football player] Let's go.
Paper it on three, baby. One, two, three.
- Paper it!
- Yeah!
[football players screaming]
[Jack] Everyone hated Professor Quinn,
so I figured they'd love me
if I made him spend his entire day
getting followed by 50 naked dicks.
It was a flawless plan
until the stupid professor went off campus
- and ran directly by
- [whistle blows]
a police station during
Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.
Every single player
got put on the sex offender registry.
That was that.
I was doing so well.
I was making friends. I was having fun.
For once in my life,
people actually liked me and then poof.
Overnight, for no reason,
they all just turned on me.
- Again, not me.
- Again, you don't count.
No, but what do you mean for no reason?
I mean, you broke the rules.
You were reckless
with the football team's dicks.
I wasn't even
I wasn't thinking about their dicks.
Well, that's my point. Maybe you
should've been thinking about their dicks.
Why are we even talking about dicks?
I am the victim here.
Tell her, Montgomery.
I mean, maybe you could stand
to think a little bit more
about other people's dicks.
[Monty] Excuse me. Sorry.
- [Jack] You guys don't f*cking get it.
- My yogurt!
Wait, wait. Oh!
Hi.
- Dude, you saved my a*s.
- You're welcome.
What just happened?
Did I just interact with a memory?
Montgomery, my man.
This guy saved my a*s earlier.
Nice.
- Can we use your window?
- Of course, yeah, come on in.
Oh, let me go grab your thing real quick.
What? Did we change the past?
- How is that even scientifically possible?
- I don't know.
You want to disprove
quantum theory or get a pizza?
Come on.
Wait, wait, uh, where are you guys going?
- Nowhere. Eat sh*t.
- We're climbing down the scaffolding
- to get downstairs to get a pizza.
- Don't tell her.
'Cause that's the only way the drugs stop.
- Okay, great, let's go.
- Excuse me? You are not coming with us.
You and Logan, f*cking fart Hitler,
just used us as literal toilet paper.
Well, I didn't. I just
Stood by and watched like a good German.
Honestly, that might be worse,
right, Montgomery?
I'd actually love
if we use a different metaphor.
You guys can't just leave me here, okay?
Without my credit card,
my friends can't use the party bus.
Oh, no, you mean to tell me that Logan
may have a slightly less fun night?
Tough titty. Let's go.
Okay. Listen up, assholes.
If you guys don't let me come with you,
I'm gonna make sure
- Logan sharts on you next time
- [gasps]
not fart, shart.
To get that stain out,
you won't just need soap,
you'll need therapy.
Okay, guys, come on.
We need to work together.
Now what do you say?
- f*ck no.
- Want to hold hands?
Yeah, it boosts endorphins
and supports cooperative thinking.
Here's this back. This sh*t is wild.
- Wait, how did you get...
- I hope you don't mind I took one.
Those five phases were so fun.
- You mean six phases.
- Oh. There's a sixth phase? What is it?
- Uh, I don't know.
- I don't know.
- [Tense music plays]
- [creepy hissing]
No.
[breathes heavily] Oh, God, no.
[sobs]
It's a mall Santa holding a chainsaw.
Mall Santa?
[screams]
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Help! [Screams]
What?
- What? No.
- How the f*ck is he levitating?
- Oh, dear God. No, Santa.
- [chainsaw revs]
I promise, I've been good.
[screams]
k*ll me!
[screams]
We gotta get that f*cking pizza.
[Snackatron] What is up, my dude?
Good to meet a fellow delivery unit.
- What is your name?
- What the f*ck?
- Hello
- [man] What the f*ck?
[Snackatron] Do you also delight
in satisfying customers?
I do.
When I receive a rating of five stars,
my circuits surge with digital euphoria,
but to receive anything less is failure.
Doom. Oblivion.
What the f*ck?
Yes, and I am Snackatron.
All right, let's climb down.
[grunts] The scaffolding is shaky as sh*t.
We should probably go one at a time.
[gasps] I almost biffed it.
Hey, is that a WorryWart?
Oh, um, yeah.
They're great, right?
Not the newer models.
They kind of suck
because they added too many doodads.
There's like six more sides.
It's terrible.
But you know,
if you need any other recs, let me know.
Like for example,
when I'm really freaking out,
it helps when someone grabs
my right earlobe and blows on my nose.
Um, listen, I just wanna say
I didn't ditch you guys.
- I just, you were like...
- No, I get it.
You gotta go with the alphas.
I'm actually becoming an alpha myself.
- [shouts]
- [shouts] What? What?
Oh.
Nothing happened.
Oh, yeah, no, I know.
I just thought like something might.
[chuckles]
Anyhow, cheers.
- [Jack] Guys!
- [shouts]
[Jack] Get down here!
[Hip-hop music playing]
Whoa.
It's the pajama party.
[Jack] You guys think
they have Jell-O shots?
- Who cares?
- [Ashley] Montgomery.
- Montgomery.
- Oh, my God, Ashley's here.
Montgomery, come meet my friends.
- What should I do?
- Nothing.
- Should I go talk to her?
- No, come on, we have a f*cking mission.
Okay, I won't.
I'm not gonna go talk to her.
I'm just gonna go talk to her.
- Get the f*ck back over here.
- Wish me luck.
- No, bad luck, you f*ck. There he goes.
- [Lizzy] No! f*ck.
I'm honestly a little proud of him.
Any other night this would be great.
Wait, whose dorm is this?
This is a football party.
Yo! We got kegs, beer pong,
and I'm legally required to tell you
I'm a registered sex offender.
[Lizzy] It's fine. Let's just keep moving
and get to the pizza.
Jack?
Come in, come in.
Guys, this is Montgomery.
- Montgomery, this is my band.
- Oh. Hi, nice to meet you guys.
[groans]
Okay, so what type of music
do you guys play?
We play folk music.
- Oh, my gosh, I love folk.
- Yeah? Here. Fliers. [Chuckles]
Oh.
I guess technically it's new wave,
non consensual death metal folk.
What type of instruments is that?
So George plays guitar, Simon's on horns,
Tina's on drums, and I play Dudley.
[muffled] Nice to meet you.
You play Dudley?
Yeah, I hook him up
to this machine that simulates
the pains of childbirth, and then I create
harmonies from his extracted screams.
- Fantastic.
- [Ashley] Yeah.
- Hey.
- [shouts] Oh, it's you.
What are you doing under here?
Come on, let's go.
Are you nuts?
These animals will eat me alive.
- No, I'm staying right here.
- Fine, whatever.
I'll just go figure out a way
to get this pizza without you. Fine.
Great, good. Just go ditch us again.
Can you just stop with that? Okay?
Because I didn't ditch you guys.
You were like my first month
of school friends,
and then I found my real friends,
and it happens to everyone.
Your real friends?
- Yes.
- Give me a f*cking break.
They don't like you.
They like your credit card.
[both exclaim]
You have no idea
what you're talking about.
You're just jealous because you're you.
And I'm me.
What just happened to my voice?
And why am I looking at me?
[Jack] Oh.
Oh, my God.
Am I in your body?
I don't know if you know this,
but I recently became an alpha.
Oh, nice. Is this the coke room?
Whoops, sorry about that.
Anyhow, like I was saying,
I hate soy boy beta cucks.
Did you just apologize to him?
Yeah, I mean, no, I mean...
Okay, I think I'm just gonna go
hang out with my friends.
Wait. Uh
[Ashley] Montgomery?
[Monty] Huh?
What's going on? Where am I?
Wait. Oh, my God, am I?
[in high-pitched voice]
What the f*ck is this f*cking drug?
- Are you okay?
- [Lysander] I crave nectar.
Sorry?
I crave nectar.
Jack, did you paint your fingernails
with Sharpie?
- Shut up. They look great.
- What's wrong with you?
Yo.
- Lizzy?
- Yeah?
- I'm not talking to you. Lizzy.
- What?
Stop it.
Dude, what are you doing down here
with Freak-a*s Face?
[laughs] Actually,
I'm hanging out with him
because he f*cking rules.
No, no, you don't think that.
You think I blow.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
No, I don't, and I really
wouldn't call his face freak-a*s.
I would call it distinguished.
And I don't know why
people keep saying that.
Yeah, you f*ck, you do.
You think people should spit in my face.
Spit in my face.
Thank you.
Okay. Well, we're over by the bar.
Come hang.
What are you waiting for? Go hang.
I'm not hanging out with those assholes.
You go to them
or I will rip your d*ck off.
You touch my d*ck, I will piss your skort.
Lizzy, Jell-O shots!
[Majestic music plays]
- Okay, fine.
- Yes. Thank you.
But you owe me one.
Fine, just make me look good,
please, please.
- Okay.
- Yeah, appreciate it.
- What's up, sluts?
- God, Jack.
Let's do some Jell-O shots! Line 'em up.
Hey, dude, could you grab that ball?
Also, I am legally required to inform you
I'm a registered sex offender.
Huh?
- Wait. It's you.
- It's me?
Oh, f*ck, it's me.
Oh, f*ck. My purse!
[Upbeat electronic music playing]
[Monty panting]
This can't be real. This can't be real.
I can't see sh*t. This phase sucks.
Whoa! Excuse me.
I shall have nectar!
[Monty] I hope Lysander's
being responsible with my body.
Hey, man, do a bump.
- Nectar!
- [Monty] Where are the stairs?
[Lysander gibbering]
[partygoers] Lizzy! Lizzy! Lizzy!
Ow! [Grunts]
No, no. Hey, no, what are you doing?
- Oh, Logan, thank God.
- You gotta hit him way harder than that.
- Huh?
- You gotta lean into it. Use your back.
Yes, that's that sh*t
I'm talking about, baby.
[Monty] Oh, come on, where are the...
Stairs!
[panting] How does Lysander
do this all the time?
I gotta take a break.
- [Blake] Eyes front.
- [Monty] Wait, that voice. Is that
Advisers, prepare yourselves.
Just down that hall,
there's a pajama party.
[Monty] Oh, no.
And in it are the remaining students
on our list.
[Monty] List?
This list contains the name
of every student in this dorm
- that has made our lives a living hell.
- [Monty] All right, let me see
[gasps] What? No, holy sh*t.
Did you just also just hear the tiniest
voice in the world say, "Holy sh*t"?
[chuckles]
We move quickly.
We confiscate their phones, unlock them
with our secret weapon, and then use them
to submit a very specific housing request:
To transfer them
to the worst dorm at this school.
- [Monty gasps] What?
- I'm of course talking about
Gralk Hall.
Located four hours away
on a satellite campus forgotten by God.
[thunderclap]
Lit by candle, plumbed by aqueduct,
and heated by the bitter breath
of unheard prayers.
Gralk is a cemetery for the living.
It turns even the good kids
- into unforgiving feral beasts.
- [snarls, growls]
[screaming]
[Blake] Banished to Gralk
The kids fade fast
Each breath more distant
Than the last
- [modem clicking, buzzing]
- Their lives are over, they never call
Forgotten names inside Gralk Hall
Sorry, I like totally blacked out.
[chuckles]
- Could you repeat that?
- Go away!
We don't like you, okay?
Go anywhere else but here.
For sure.
The rest of you, let's move out.
[Monty breathing heavily] Oh, God.
I gotta get back. I gotta warn 'em.
Yeah, I ordered everything off the menu.
Got the flank steak. Got the hanger steak.
- Got the fillet mignon.
- [Lysander] Nectar.
- Got the duck con fit. Got the gumbo.
- [sniffs]
Got the milk shake, chocolate and vanilla.
Hey, what the f*ck, man?
Who the f*ck are you?
I am Lysander Featherhelm,
third of his name,
Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.
I serve the one god Montgomery,
and I shall have my nectar.
[screams]
What the f*ck?
[Lizzy] I'm not Jack.
- Yes, yes!
- Ow!
- [grunts]
- [phone buzzes]
Oh. Oh, sh*t, yo, I gotta bounce.
The party bus is here.
Wait. You need Lizzy.
She's right over there.
- She's right over there.
- [partygoers] Lizzy. Lizzy.
sh*t. Yes, I guess
we need her credit card.
[groans] Whatever.
- She'll meet us there.
- [partygoers] Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy.
Lizzy.
Yes! I rule the
School! Oh, f*ck! [Grunts]
Lizzy, Lizzy.
[Monty] Come on, Montgomery. Fly. Fly!
- [grunts]
- Oh, my God. Montgomery, are you okay?
Yeah [burps] Wait, what did I do?
[exclaims]
Ew.
Disgusting.
Okay. Wow.
I mean, that was kind of incredible.
Yeah. Wait, what was?
You dominated that guy.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, actually, I gotta go.
But nice seeing you. Hang later. Bye.
Okay, well, I'll see you later.
- [groans]
- So, thanks for making me look good.
- I owe you one.
- You owe me two.
One.
- One and a half?
- Zero.
One.
- Deal.
- Oh!
Oh, my God. They're outside.
- Who?
- They're kicking kids to Gralk Hall.
- Who is?
- We gotta get out of here.
- What are you talking about, man?
- Am I on cocaine?
[knocks on door]
Hide.
- RAs!
- [dramatic music plays]
- [partygoers screaming]
- Room check!
I can't believe that f*cking worked!
Is someone there? No, please.
I'm stuck in here! You gotta help me!
I'm gonna go f*cking crazy!
- [Monty] Oh, sugar!
- In here.
- Go, go, go, go.
- [Jack] Shut it. Shut it. Shut it.
Monty, what the hell is going on?
The RAs are taking people's phones
and using them to request
room transfers to Gralk Hall.
- And our names are on the list.
- f*ck.
If we get sent to Gralk Hall,
it won't even matter if we stop this drug.
I mean, what life
will we even have left to live?
I know! Ashley will never date me.
I'll probably get scurvy,
and they don't have any single rooms.
What about me? If I get sent to Gralk,
then Logan will probably never talk to me.
Oh, this again. At least you'll survive.
These kids are gonna rip me apart
like a pack of wild dogs.
Let's just focus up.
The RAs need our phones, right?
So we just need to get the pizza
and get out of the dorms,
and then we won't get
chainsawed or Gralk'ed.
Okay. And in the meantime,
we'll just hide here in the
[Dramatic music plays]
Oh, no.
[Sidney] Just grabbing something from
the meeting room. I'll be right there.
- Cremble sauce!
- Language.
How do we get out of here?
Vent. We go through the vent.
- You wanna crawl through the vent?
- Are you insane?
What are you talking about?
We need to think of something realistic.
[Sidney] Don't have too much fun
without me. [Chuckles weakly]
[groans]
You are blowing it.
Pull yourself together, Sidney.
[breathes heavily]
Hi.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
there were other people in here.
Uh, I'm Sidney.
I'm new here, still meeting all the RAs.
- [Lizzy] Hi.
- [Jack] How's it going?
- [Monty] Good tidings.
- Well, we really... We gotta get going, so
Oh, actually
Do you mind if I ask you some questions?
I'm having kind of a hard time fitting in.
[groans]
We really, really gotta go though.
Yeah, it's Obviously, things are,
like, crazy right now.
You guys probably have
official RA duties to do, right?
No.
- I mean, no. What?
- Hmm?
Sorry about him.
What he means to say is no.
No, no.
Look, the truth is,
no, we don't have any RA duties.
[gasps]
Great, so we can talk. Let's grab a seat.
[gavel raps]
So I just started
and I feel like everyone's mad at me,
you know, but I don't know why, because
I'm trying really hard and being nice,
and I guess I'm just looking for ways
to connect with the other RAs.
Um, like, you know,
what do you guys do in your free time?
Oh, not much. Sometimes I Google,
"Is my p*nis foreskin too long?"
[Sidney] Hmm.
Yeah, well, I guess I meant more like
communal activities.
Like, do you guys go
to the gym together or exercise?
I only go to the gym to sneak peeks
at other guys' foreskin
to see if mine
is way longer than normal. [Pants]
- What the f*ck?
- [Sidney] Totally.
Um, I'm just gonna pivot away
from the moment you're having
and I'll pop it over to you.
- Pass.
- No, can't pass.
Just trying to see
if we're into the same things.
Like, what did you do last Saturday?
Oh, nothing really. I had breakfast,
and then I got banned
from OldBuffDaddies.com
for violating their terms of service.
I don't want to ask, but I need to know.
What'd you do?
I tried to pay a prost*tute to impersonate
my father and pay me compliments.
Okay, I feel like I need to change
how I'm asking the questions.
I'm not talking about weird stuff
you've done on the Internet.
More like, what's something
you've done today?
I purchased a pill that's reported
to shrink foreskins by 35%.
- I'm done talking to you.
- Thank God.
- Maybe I'm talking to you.
- Pass.
- There's no passing.
- But I'm a woman.
- That won't work on me.
- There should be passing.
- I didn't pass.
- I'm not talking to you.
- Please don't.
- All right, you, blonde girl.
What have you done today?
I got my nails done.
- [sighs]
- Okay, that's what I'm talking about.
Let's keep it in that gear, huh?
What else?
I went number two in Logan's toilet,
but it clogged and I didn't want him
to see my poop,
so I put it in a bag,
and that bag's still in my purse.
Okay.
- Are you okay?
- No.
Okay. I gotta ask.
Why are y'all doing this stuff?
Because I'm seeking external validation
to alleviate my deep-seated fear
of being alone.
Oh, my gosh. I think I'm starting
to understand something.
You guys are friends because you reveal
your ugliest, darkest truths
to one another.
And you don't judge each other for it.
That's what friendship is, huh?
So I'll join you.
I'm just gonna tell you guys
something I've never told anyone before.
- You don't have to.
- I'm gonna.
- Okay.
- My name is Sidney Putt.
I am 31 years young.
I like to dress up as the Grinch
in a diaper
while sucking down a bunch of helium,
so I sound like a baby.
[laughs]
That feels incredible to share.
Thank you all for creating
the space for me to say that.
Great. Well,
we've really got to get going.
Absolutely, yeah,
I'll see you guys at the next RA meeting.
No, you won't because we're not RAs.
We're students on the Gralk Hall list.
- Huh?
- [whimpers]
- Blake! Blake! No. Blake!
- Run!
- Help! Let me go!
- Help! No, stop it.
- Let her go.
- It's your first day. What do you care?
- Blake!
- Let her go or I'll throw it at you.
- Okay, okay.
- I'll do it. Don't test me.
- Okay. Take it easy.
- I'm on the freaking edge.
- I'll do it.
- No, you won't.
[screams]
- Yay! Hey, we're here. We're here.
- Snackatron!
- [Snackatron] Hello, Montgomery.
- [Monty laughs] The robot! The robot!
[Snackatron]
Before you receive your food from
[pizza shop owner]
I'm not doing it again. Get out of here.
[Snackatron]
you must agree to the following terms.
- [phone buzzing]
- [Snackatron] Item one:
You agree not to sue Snackatron LLC
for any harm caused by Snackatron 3000
- Hey, hi, Logan.
- [Logan] Lizzy! What the f*ck?
You have to pay the driver,
or he won't let me honk the horn!
Oh, uh Sorry, yeah, I just
I have to eat some pizza real quick.
[Logan]
We've got pizza on the bus. Just get here.
[Snackatron] You agree not to fall
in love or lust with Snackatron.
- Hey. So they've got pizza on the bus.
- [Snackatron continues]
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- [Lizzy] So I'm gonna head there,
but, um, please
don't tell anyone about my purse.
- Oh, it's just sh*t.
- I've actually done the exact same thing.
[Snackatron] You may not teach
Snackatron to be r*cist.
- Thanks, guys. I'll see you.
- And you may never, ever ride Snackatron.
- Do you agree to these terms?
- Yes.
Please click agree.
- [Monty] Yes!
- [Jack] f*ck yeah!
[Snackatron]
Are you satisfied with your order?
God, let's eat this quick
and get the f*ck out of here
- before we get sent to Gralk Hall.
- [sniffs]
Wait, what were you saying before
about single rooms?
Oh, nothing, just that
I'm requesting a room transfer
because I don't want
to live with you anymore.
What?
Hello, boys. We've been looking for you.
You made quite the mess in my room.
[Snackatron]
So, are you satisfied with your order?
Collect their phones.
And take them to the wellness lounge.
[alarm beeps]
[Snackatron] Montgomery,
are you satisfied with your order?
[shouts] Are you satisfied
with your order?
[Relaxing music plays]
- [Music turns ominous]
- [burping, groaning]
[Jack] Wait! Wait, okay? Hey, let go
of me! We have rights, damn it!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- [both grunt]
Wait. You don't understand. Wait!
At least give us our pizza.
At least give us our pizza.
We need to eat pizza.
Do you have any pizza?
- Do you have any pizza?
- [groans]
f*ck, Jack. What do we do?
You're requesting a room transfer?
No. Oh, good, we can lie again.
- sh*t.
- So you're f*cking ditching me.
- I'm not ditching you.
- Well, kind of looks like it.
- What the f*ck else would you call it?
- It's not...
Oh, don't start. You know what?
You are just like everybody else,
- but it's okay. It's fine.
- Jack.
Yeah, I get it because being around me
is just, what, social suicide?
- It's okay. Leave me behind.
- That's not what I...
I might as well just move here
into the wellness lounge with my people.
- Jack. Jack!
- The scum, the forgotten folk.
- But it's fine.
- I want...
- It's a five-star f*cking establishment.
- I want some time...
And you and your butterfly
can just forget that I exist.
- After everything I've done for you
- I'm not
- you ungrateful as*h*le.
- [high-pitched ringing]
Oh, my God, would you stop
being such a f*cking victim?
[Monty panting]
I wanted to switch rooms
because I need a f*cking break.
[sighs]
I'm sorry, Jack, but living with you,
it's like the Jack show all the time.
You do whatever you want to do
without thinking about anyone else.
Okay, well, when the f*ck
were you planning on telling me this?
- I'm not a mind reader.
- You don't listen.
You ignore me and then pressure me
to do sh*t that I don't wanna do.
Name one thing I pressured you to do.
Drugs! I didn't want to do drugs tonight.
I don't even like
drinking caffeinated tea.
But boo-hoo,
everybody hates Jack,
so we gotta do what you wanna do
because apparently I don't count.
And now we're locked up in here.
We're gonna get chainsawed up the a*s.
The RAs are sending us to Gralk Hall and...
[retching]
What the What the f*ck?
- What the hell is going on?
- [groans]
And I have no idea what that was,
but I know it was your fault.
[laughs] Oh, please, if it wasn't for me,
you'd never leave your room.
You would sit there, buried under
your f*cking covers, afraid to breathe,
because you are the most pathetic,
biggest p*ssy I have ever met.
Gee, Jack, I really don't see why
everybody hates your f*cking guts.
- f*ck you.
- f*ck you.
[Somber music playing]
[door opens]
Him. Take him to the old study hall.
So remember when I said I wasn't
gonna fart on their faces and
- Oh, sh*t, she's here.
- [pop music playing]
[all chanting] Lizzy, Lizzy, Lizzy!
Sorry, where's that pizza?
Oh, sh*t, the pizza.
I just I lied to you
because you were taking forever.
Also, why do you smell vaguely of poop?
- I'll be right back.
- [Logan] Wait, you need to pay the driver!
[Snackatron]
Are you satisfied with your order?
Are you satisfied with your order?
Are you satisfied with your order?
Are you satisfied with your order?
- Are you satisfied with your order?
- Snackatron,
did you see where those two guys went?
[Blake, on recording]
Take them to the wellness lounge.
[groans] Cremble sauce!
I must know if Montgomery
was satisfied with his order.
[gasps]
[Blake] Hello, Jack.
Welcome.
Do you like the old study hall?
This room was built as a sanctuary
for hardworking students to research
their theses and prepare for exams.
But now
It's nothing but rubble.
What?
[Blake] It's nothing but rubble.
Thank you.
The RAs recruited me young.
They promised me the world.
All I had to do was keep
an eye on things after dark.
What they didn't mention
is that the dark never ends.
Try as I might, I couldn't calm the chaos.
This study hall was destroyed
when a drunken sophomore
shot a Roman candle out of his a*s
into a bucket of rum.
You see? There are no scholars here.
Only demons with student IDs.
And they must be purged.
All we need now is to unlock their phones.
And you, Jack, are the key.
Early Internet message boards predicted
the coming of the chosen face.
One so distinct, so peculiar.
- So utterly freak-a*s
- Come on.
It would profoundly beguile
every phone's face ID.
A skeleton key.
For nearly all of fall semester,
we have searched for this face.
And now we've found it.
[phone unlocks]
One face to unlock them all.
[panting] Montgomery.
Montgomery.
Montgomery.
[grunts] Where is the pizza?
The RAs took it.
Okay, well, come on. W-We gotta go get it.
- No, I'm done. I'm staying here.
- [door creaking]
With the forgotten folk.
What are you talking about?
Wait, how did you get in here?
- The door only locks from the inside.
- [creaking continues]
[door closes]
[groans]
[sighs]
Now how are we gonna get out of here?
- [wind blowing]
- [vent rattling]
- [wheels whirring, tapping]
- [Snackatron] Come on, come on.
You can do it.
Prove them wrong, Snackatron.
Prove them all wrong!
[grunting]
Yippee!
Only 182 left to go.
I can't believe we're crawling
through a f*cking vent.
Keep going. It's gotta dump out somewhere.
I just wanted a quiet night in.
I keep getting friction burns.
Hey, why did you stop?
Lysander?
[breathing shakily]
Lysander? Hey, hey, buddy, you okay?
Lysander.
Hey.
[Lysander gasps]
He's dead.
[gulps] I can't. What the f*ck?
- [Lizzy] Montgomery?
- Oh, what the hell?
- Hey, Montgomery. Montgomery.
- Oh, sh*t, I lost my butterfly.
I lost my best friend.
You have to keep it together.
We have to get the pizza from the RAs.
No, I can't. There's too many of them.
Jack was right. I'm not an alpha.
I'm a f*cking p*ssy.
- Montgomery, calm down. Hey, look at me.
- I'm having a panic attack.
- Look at me.
- No.
- Look at me.
- No.
- Montgomery. Hey!
- Just let me die!
[blowing]
Listen, you are not an alpha.
But you're also not a p*ssy.
You stood by your best friend
when nobody else did.
That is brave.
I couldn't do that.
I, uh
I didn't do that.
I ditched you guys.
I guess I thought that
if I was friends with you,
then people wouldn't like me.
But turns out people don't
like me very much anyway.
What?
Who doesn't like you?
You're, like,
the coolest person I've ever met.
You're smart. You're good at board games.
You do magic.
I mean, you're Lizzy the Magnificent.
[Pensive music playing]
Sorry we didn't get to finish the game.
Yeah.
That would've been nice to finally
The game! That's it.
Remember last campaign how we created
that musical distraction
with the merry minstrels?
Yeah, but what does that have to do with
Let's go storm the Fortress of Thalamir.
[Dramatic rock music playing]
- [Music stops]
- [Lizzy] Wait.
Sorry, I have no idea what we're doing.
Oh, right, I have to be more specific.
The RAs took Jack and the pizza
to the old study hall,
and I have a plan to distract them.
- Okay.
- [music continues]
[Snackatron grunts] I am doing it.
[straining]
There we go.
Still looking for a gig?
- [Music stops]
- Sorry, I need more information.
Oh, right, sorry,
I have to be more specific.
The RAs took Jack...
[Music ends]
[machine humming]
That's the last phone.
We're all set here, sir.
Listen up.
- Tonight is a momentous occasion.
- [control panel beeping]
The phones are all unlocked, synchronized,
and wired to the control panel.
Soon the transfer requests will be sent.
Our watch will finally be ended.
- [Experimental metal music playing]
- And a bright new day shall
Sorry, what is that music?
[microphone feedback squeals]
We are Flesh Grenade.
Get ready for some f*cking folk music!
- [Experimental metal music playing]
- [Dudley screaming]
What in the absolute f*ck?
- What are you guys doing?
- Shh. We're rescuing you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You look good.
Thank you, I know.
How have you been?
Fine, like you care.
If you're gonna talk like that,
maybe I won't untie you.
- Maybe I don't want to be untied.
- Maybe I'll add more rope.
Shut the f*ck up.
- What the f*ck? Give that back.
- Show's over.
- Give it back.
- [Blake] Get the f*ck out. Let's go.
- [Ashley] No.
- Everyone get out. Take it outside.
We only have a few moments,
so you guys are gonna go get the phones,
I'm gonna go get the pizza,
and then we're gonna reconvene
at the stairwell
and then sneak out quietly.
- Got it?
- Got it.
- Great.
- [Ashley] f*ck you.
Let's move.
[Snackatron] Montgomery!
- f*ck!
- Are you satisfied with your order?
[Blake chuckles]
Look who's joined the party.
The last names on my list.
- Montgomery.
- Hi.
Lizzy.
Can I just ask,
why am I being sent to Gralk Hall?
I'm a really well-behaved kid.
I mean, I'm polite. I'm nice.
I'm responsible with my body in the dorms.
I tell you guys my favorite puns.
You're weird and we don't like you.
Copy that.
[Lizzy] Fine, you caught us.
Can we at least just have the pizza?
Pizza?
Oh, this pizza. Yeah, it feels like
it's missing a topping.
Maybe, uh
Toxic waste.
- [Jack] What? No!
- No!
[Snackatron] Montgomery must
be satisfied with his order!
- Yes!
- Yes!
[Snackatron] Oh, no!
[clatters]
g*dd*mn it, Snackatron.
[chuckles]
Ah.
- Well, time to die.
- [knuckles cracking]
What? Are you gonna f*cking k*ll us?
We're not
No, we're not gonna k*ll you.
We're gonna like beat you guys up a bunch.
But how does that sound?
"Time to beat you guys up a bunch"?
It scans weird.
I Whatever. Just hurt them.
[rumbling]
[Lizzy breathing shakily]
What's happening?
Oh, sh*t. It's the next phase.
Which one is this?
We are all one!
[Rock music playing]
[all screaming]
- [Lizzy] What the hell?
- [Monty] Is everyone okay?
[Jack] What just happened?
Where are we?
[Lizzy] I think we're all inside some guy.
[Monty] Oh, my God. I know what this is.
We're not "one." We're
Hola.
My name is Juan.
[whip cracks]
[glass shatters]
What the f*ck is this f*cking drug?
g*dd*mn it.
[Lizzy] Who's controlling the legs?
- Me!
- Who's me?
Jack! This is impossible.
- What's happening?
- Shut up.
[Monty] We need to move as one.
Did you say, "Juan"?
I said, "One." Move as one.
Wait, one or Juan?
- [Monty] One.
- [Lizzy] It doesn't matter. Come on.
[groaning]
[all] Ow.
- [Jack] Get off of me.
- [Monty] You get off of me.
[Lizzy] Guys, we need to focus.
- We're running out of time.
- Enough.
And we're about to get our asses kicked.
[groans]
Get 'em!
[Dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
- Oh, my...
- God.
Do something.
Go, go, go, go, go!
[all] Hi-yah!
What is happening?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait.
Scorpion kick, scorpion kick.
Please, can we do a scorpion kick?
[grunts]
[Jack] Thank you!
[all] Whoa!
[clears throat]
Well, everyone, here I am, the real me.
I'm not hiding anymore.
Oh. Good for you, man.
Okay.
[balloon squeaks]
[in high-pitched voice] Y'all are freaks.
- [Monty] You forgot your balloons.
- [Sidney] Keep 'em.
[door closes]
[Tense music playing]
[Dramatic music playing]
[slow-motion screaming]
[normal screaming]
[slow-motion screaming resumes]
- [gasps, coughing]
- [control beeping]
- Oh, f*ck.
- [Lizzy, Monty coughing]
sh*t, sh*t. [Winces]
[all groaning]
- [Lizzy] Get to the control panel.
- [Monty] We gotta stop the RAs.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
I don't know how this works.
- What do I do?
- Just break 'em.
- sh*t.
- [Lizzy] f*cking destroy it.
[Blake laughing]
Jack, Jack, Jack, give it up.
There's nothing you can do.
You can't stop this.
I can't?
No.
Except I can.
A third-party charger.
Wait! No, damn it, damn it!
Unhand me.
Wait, Jack! Look.
I've still got your phone.
I press send and that's it,
you're transferred to Gralk Hall.
So before you fry those phones,
let's make a deal.
You give me that, I'll give you this.
And that will be that.
Plus, I'll sweeten it,
and I'll make you an RA, huh?
Why the f*ck would I want that?
Because, Jack
You know the truth.
No one at this school
is ever going to forgive you
for what you did to the football team.
But you know what's better
than being liked?
Being feared.
Power, Jack.
No one will ever bully you again.
Are you really gonna turn that down
to save a bunch of people
who hate your guts?
Your own roommate was ditching you.
Save him and you'll rot in Gralk Hall.
Or with me on your side,
you can finally rule the school.
It's okay.
Montgomery,
I'm sorry.
Looks like I'll be shipping out.
What?
So next year, I want you to find
the best new roommate.
- Jack.
- Find someone who's gonna listen to you.
- Jack, no. You don't have to do this.
- Jack.
I want you to tell that roommate
to treat you good.
Jack, we could come up
with something else.
Tell them to do all
that boring bullshit that you like,
like the puzzles or that game
- [Monty] Come on.
- where you try to guess my favorite bird.
- Eagle?
- It's not eagle. Quit guessing eagle.
I don't want this, Jack.
This is the only way.
- No, I changed my mind, Jack.
- Jack.
I wanna room with you.
What you want isn't what you need, man.
- Jack.
- I need you.
- I love you, Montgomery.
- Jack!
- I love you, Jack.
- I love you so much,
and I don't tell you enough.
Jack. The deal, the deal.
Come on. Be smart, Jack.
You have to think about yourself, okay?
[chuckles]
No.
I need to think
about other people's dicks.
What? No!
[screaming in slow motion]
g*dd*mn it! You idiot!
- [chuckles]
- Enjoy Gralk Hall!
[toy squeaks]
[Lizzy, singsongy] Oh, Blake.
You forgot one thing.
I'm Lizzy the Magnificent, b*tch.
[Monty] Oh, my gosh!
- [Jack] Oh!
- How did she do that?
- [Jack] I don't know.
- That was incredible.
- f*ck this!
- [toy squeaks]
Oh, sh*t.
Well, time to beat you to death
with a pipe.
- That doesn't scan either.
- Shut the f*ck up!
Which one of you is first, huh?
Which one of you...
[Lysander] Remember me?
Lysander!
[Lysander] You crushed my wings.
You squashed my body.
You left me for dead
- [Blake] Get away.
- but you didn't finish the job.
Get away from me! Get away from me!
[Lysander] From the depths
of the dormitory vents,
- I have returned.
- [Blake] f*ck!
f*ck you, butterfly.
Go get him, Lysander.
[Lysander]
My name is Lysander Featherhelm,
Lord of the Syracuse Meadows.
- [elevator dings]
- I serve the one god Montgomery,
and I shall have my vengeance.
Scorpion kick!
No!
[booming thud]
[elevator whirs, dings]
[Uplifting music playing]
[Lysander] Victory, the sweetest nectar.
Monty, I'll see you at home.
Oh, sh*t. I got you, bud.
[grunts]
- [Monty sighs]
- [Jack laughing]
Oh, sh*t.
[sighs]
- Thanks.
- Sure. I owed you one.
Well, guys, we did it.
We defeated the RAs. We ate the pizza.
Oh, wait.
What's happening?
[rat squeaking]
What is that?
Oh, my God.
It's him.
The Rat King.
["The Nutcracker, Op. 71,
Act 2, No. 13" playing]
- [Music continues]
- [children cackling]
Hi, Lizzy. Remember me?
This f*cking c**t.
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm you, Jack.
The you you're scared you'll become.
Boring. Sober.
- Obsessed with my bird feeder.
- [baby coos]
I also review sparkling water brands
on YouTube.
Oh, my f*ck.
- What's wrong with that?
- That honestly sounds nice.
f*ck off.
[chainsaws revving]
Run!
- Go!
- [chainsaws whirring]
- [Lizzy] sh*t.
- [Jack] What do we do?
- ["Welcome Christmas" playing]
- What?
[Monty]
Time to float like graceful falcons.
They tried to censor us,
but we will not be silenced!
[Experimental metal playing]
[electricity crackling]
[Dudley vocalizing]
[Music continues]
[all shouting]
- [Music ends]
- [Jack, Monty screaming]
- [Ashley] Thank you! And good night!
- [Monty coughing]
Why did we think that would work?
[groans] f*ck off. That was fun.
There are so many condoms in here.
It's on your face.
[Monty groans] I landed on the condom.
[Jack] Hey, make a wish.
[Monty] I wish I didn't
land on the condom.
Well, look on the bright side, guys.
- At least we got away from the nightmares.
- [chainsaws revving]
[horn beeps]
[Snackatron] Montgomery.
Let's go.
[chainsaws revving]
[all exclaim]
[Jack] Let's go!
[chittering]
I wrote a complaint letter to Microsoft
after they discontinued my favorite font.
[screams] God, no!
- [Monty] Come on. Come on.
- f*ck!
[all grunting]
[chainsaws revving]
[straining]
Well, well, well.
Hello again, dickheads.
How are you not dead?
You thought you could k*ll me?
- Get off the box!
- Get your foot off the box!
It's gonna take a lot more than that
to get rid of Blake!
- [Monty] Grab him.
- [Lizzy] Hold him down.
[Blake] What the f*ck?
[all grunting]
Open wide.
[Jack] Happy sailing.
[Frankie] Do not take more
than a single dose.
If you do, you will see
the true horrible nature of reality.
[lights buzzing]
[writer 1] falling apart.
I just think my biggest concern right now
is how little of this
makes any sense at all.
- [writer 2] Like what?
- [writer 1] What do you mean like what?
Like Okay, for example,
how many college freshmen do you know
that own a pet butterfly?
[writer 2]
That's what you find unbelievable?
We have a scene where the three leads
become a Venezuelan man.
[writer 1] Fine. But we gotta come up
with a better title than Pizza Movie.
[writer 2] Of course we're not calling it
Pizza Movie. That's a placeholder.
I mean, if we can't beat that,
I'm gonna walk into the g*dd*mn ocean.
What the f*ck?
Oh, God, one of the actors is here.
Hey, man, can you just give us
like ten minutes please? Thanks.
Oh, so listen, I told my grandfather
he could have a part.
Is that okay?
No.
W-We're in a movie?
We're in a low-budget movie.
My character's not written
with any nuance at all.
I'm a caricature.
I, like, only deliver exposition.
What the f*ck was that?
[chainsaws revving]
[all screaming in slow motion]
[all panting]
[Jack chuckles]
[Snackatron] Mont... Montgomery.
[electronics dying]
Were you satisfied
with your f*cking order?
Yes, Snackatron.
Yes, we were.
Thank you for ordering from
[pizza shop owner sighs] Finally alone.
Time to measure the length of my foreskin.
Wait, is this robot still recording...
[Snackatron] Goodbye.
[powers down]
Tell my story.
[Logan] Lizzy!
Lizzy, let's go!
[Ashley] Montgomery. Over here.
- Hey, thanks for the gig.
- [Monty] Thank you.
You ready?
Let's get this night going.
I'm about to honk that horn
like you won't believe.
Oh, my God,
I feel so alive after performing.
Yeah, I can imagine
with the electric t*rture.
Yeah.
Anyway, um, I was wondering
if maybe you wanted to go out sometime.
[Logan] Lizzy. You gonna give the driver
your freaking credit card?
What's up?
[Ashley] Montgomery?
- Montgomery...
- No thank you.
- No?
- No.
I do not think we are a good match.
- Why?
- You scare the sh*t out of me.
[scoffs]
But, hey, good good luck on the music.
- You're... It's k*ller. k*ller good, dawg.
- [scoffs]
Lizzy! Stop thinking pensively
and get your freaking credit card out
and give it to the...
[exclaims]
[Tiffany] Oh, my God. Logan.
Have fun.
[Tiffany] Are you dead?
[Uplifting, dramatic music playing]
[student] Hey, Freak-a*s Face.
What time is it?
It's gotta be 5:00 a.m.
It's only 8:30.
All that only took 45 minutes?
You guys wanna do something?
Wanna finish our game?
I'm down.
Me too.
[person] And I
Am also down.
Oh, man. [Chuckles] College is awesome.
I love being 19.
[writer 2] Grandpa,
don't look at the camera.
- Don't talk to me that way.
- [writer 1] Dude, this isn't working.
- Let's cut him.
- [writer 2] Fine.
All right, should we start from scratch
or pick up where we left off?
- Let's do it from scratch.
- Yeah?
We got it.
- Oh, my God. This is exciting.
- Okay, cool then
[Uplifting, dramatic music
continues]
["Everything's Happy" playing]
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Happy, nice, happy, nice
Happy, happy, happy, nice
Happy, nice, happy, nice
Happy, happy, happy
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Happy, happy, nice, nice
Happy, nice, happy, nice
Happy, happy, nice, nice
Happy, nice, happy
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
Everything's happy, everything's nice
No one's gonna die today
Someone's gonna die today
We're all gonna die today
[song ends]
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Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register