01x03 - Put It on Your Cabbage!

[bunniefuu]

What's up world?

It's time to get raw,

like sushi.

So strap in 'cause

anything could happen.

Which one is the one I like?

I need my glasses.

Michelle Williams'

living room is nice.

Let the dog choose,

Judge Mathis!

Give her some personal space,

Drew Barrymore!

Uh, Reggie, this is actually

totally anathema to my method,

but we have been

in the house a lot.

Do you think you're

gonna do anything today?

Give me a break.

I'm just having

a lazy Saturday morning.

It's Monday afternoon.

Ooh, this is my favorite

Skyrizi commercial.

No, I don't know what

we're getting ready for,

but she took a big swing

with her earrings today,

so clearly

something is going on.

Big call today.

Brockenzeug is

a condiment company

that was trying to break

into the U.S. market

at the height of Reggie's fame.

So they signed him

to a 20-year contract,

thanks to a certain someone.

It was me, is that clear?

When I crave bitter protein,

the only sour herring spread

Reggie Dinkins reaches for is

Brockenzeug's Muskelgelee.

Put it on your cabbage!

His, uh, scandal,

broke right after

we signed the deal,

which wasn't great,

but I'm still hoping

I can convince them to re-up.

Gert.

Monica, it is good

to hear from you.

This is a wonderful

Blamage-Geleghenheit for us.

Wonderful? That's great.

I was a little worried

- No, you should be worried.

This word means

"shame opportunity."

This call is for bad news.

- Oh, OK.

Wait, hear me out.

I am sorry,

but this deal is like

the American

discotheque scene, dead.

- Oh, wait.

OK, hold on. Hey!

The Brockenzeug guys

said they wanted

to see your face

when they told you.

They're sick.

- Danke, Ashley.

Bitte schon, boys.

What's up, exy?

You done with those

German dudes already?

Bad news, Reg.

Muskelgelee declined to renew.

- So now I gotta buy it?

- Hey, baby.

You want to come

to the spa with me?

Sounds tempting, but I'm good.

Are you sure?

I would love to explore

your physical body on film.

Why did I say it like that?

I just mean because

you're an athlete.

I'm aware of the effect

I have on you.

But, yeah, I'm just

gonna stay in today.

- How about you, Monica?

- She can't.

She's slammed today.

She's got this

all-day negotiation

with some Germans.

Then she's bringing

congratulation balloons to

Ruggie?

OK, I'm aware that Ashley

is not good at her job,

but I hired her because

she's a nepo baby,

and now I can't remember whose.

There's so many famous Joneses,

Tommy Lee, James Earl, Tom,

Quincy, Star,

Catherine Zeta.

I know she doesn't remember

who my parents are,

and I'm not telling.

Come on, Monica.

We, like,

never get any girl time.

Well, I did tell myself

I'd try to make more time

for being an actual person.

OK, let's go.

- Are we going out?

I'll go out!

I mean, it is Friday night,

right?

No, it's not.

It is crazy that nobody

knows what day it is.

Ooh, there he is!

MVP Carmelo Anthony Mason

Dinkins in the house.

He gets real excited

when we win.

And I scored two touchdowns

against Blair on Friday.

- Whose house?

My house!

And I'm so proud of my son

who also lives here

every other week

because I share custody!

Sorry, you had a game on Friday?

- Yep.

- You were home all day Friday,

watching that ridiculous

firefighting show.

- "FDNY Chicago."

And it's great!

In the New York Fire Department,

there is a special unit

that fights fires in Chicago.

These are their stories.

- Hey, I'm walking here!

In Chicago!

Why weren't you

at your son's game?

I would have loved

to get that footage.

Uh, a lot of the parents

are Jets fans,

and they still

haven't forgiven Dad

for blowing their shot

at a Super Bowl.

It would have been a distraction

if I would have went.

But me and Carmelo, we watched

the tapes afterwards.

We call it football cuddle time.

Yeah, one of us does.

- You're gonna love this place.

- So fancy!

I reserved the whole spa

for the day,

so the cameras can come in.

You can get pedis too, boys.

I'm back!

She bought out the whole spa?

How much did that cost?

That's crazy.

Couldn't agree more, girl!

I don't love talking about this,

but I produce

what my doctor calls

a dangerous amount of earwax.

So I'm just nodding and agreeing

until I get it taken care of.

Wow, so you can't hear anything?

Oh my God, I love that!

Hi, Kiki.

Wait, is this a spa?

Do you guys do ear candling?

- OK, Penny, we want the works.

Body wraps

That robe has her name on it.

How often do you think

she comes here?

Absolutely, everybody.

IV infusions,

that thing where an old man

takes out his dentures

and gently bites you.

Oh, let's not go nuts here.

- Don't worry, Monica.

It's my treat!

Brina's a sweet girl

but "my treat"?

I think she meant

Reggie's treat,

which is actually my treat

'cause I'm the one

who actually

OK, I guess

she did say "my treat,"

but she should have said

"your treat."

can I start over?

Reggie, why don't you

ever leave the house?

- What are you talking about?

I go out all the time.

I took you to my favorite spot.

Welcome to my home

away from home.

- Really?

An Amish bakery.

Yeah, Yoder got the heaviest

bread in Central Pennsylvania.

And the toys are mad unpainted.

Right, Yoder?

- 'Tis a gift to be simple.

- Aw, hell yeah!

You drive three hours to

a bakery in Amish country.

Word.

A people famous

for not interacting

with the outside world.

- Yoder is my boy.

Which means they're probably

the only people in America

who don't know who you are.

- Maybe.

I think that the reason

you don't leave the house

or go to Carmelo's matches

or go to the mall

to meet Lightning McQueen even

though you clearly wanted to

I didn't go because

"Cars 3" was a cash grab!

Reggie, I think you're afraid

to face the outside world.

You buggin', man.

There's just really

not much to do

in the Greater New York area.

Well, let's find something

to do then, Reggie.

Look, let's have a

oh, hey, look at that!

Perfect.

A documentary film festival

at Lincoln Center.

- Yawn!

- Rude. What else?

There is an exhibit

of Adrien Brody's art.

Oh, good God, no.

Right. You know what?

I read a 2004 interview

with you in "Playboy" magazine.

- Sure you did.

You dog.

And in it, you said that

your favorite place to eat

was a restaurant called Toshi's

right here in New Jersey.

- Oh, Toshi's.

Oh, yeah.

The place burned down.

Really? 'Cause

I got us a reservation

there in 30 minutes.

- Cool. It's great.

They love me at that place.

They even got

my picture on the wall.

Wait a minute.

What happened to my picture?

I'm sorry, Mr. Dinkins.

It's just people kept

throwing eel at it.

- Yo, Dinkins!

You suck!

- Yeah, you suck!

- No, I don't!

I do the opposite.

I blow!

- Boo!

- No, no, I don't!

Don't put that

in the documentary.

- Let's go.

Let's leave this place.

I don't like it no more.

Yo, Reggie!

What's your little movie called?

"I'm a Loser"?

We don't have a title yet!

Nice car!

Damn, girl.

Your shoulders are, like,

three inches lower.

- Right?

I have so much neck right now.

Gosh, will you guys

stop screaming?!

Yes, the spa had ear candling.

My ears are so clear now,

I can hear everything.

Either we live by a new river,

or I can hear my blood.

It's like

Lick-lick, girlie pops.

My haul is here.

Ah! Let's get into it!

All right,

I'll set up the camera.

I know the drill.

High angle, no flash,

bag on my head

during fit changes.

- Brina's out of control.

I gotta talk to her.

Whoa, don't tell me

to calm down, pally!

The Bean's on fire,

and this pizza's

in a deeper dish

than I'm used to.

Hey, I'm watchin' here!

We need to talk about Toshi's.

- What do you want me to say?

That you're right?

That I do hide from the world

because I'm afraid

of what people might say to me,

that I can't feel happy

unless I think

everyone loves me?

Is that what you want?

- Yes, wow.

Exactly that.

- Great.

Turn the TV back on.

The guys don't know

it's Central Time,

so they might be early

to the fire.

How do you expect

people to root for you

again if all they see

is you hiding in a mansion?

It's aspirational.

Reggie, you are gonna need

to get out there

and make an effort

to earn people's forgiveness.

The only way out is through.

Which one of you guys is Reggie?

I've got residual checks

for him to sign.

- Can you wait one minute?

- Perfect timing, Ashley.

You're doing a great job!

I did a kids movie

in the early 2000s.

It was like "Space Jam" but

with football and Universal IP.

It's a day game,

so Dracula is not here.

There's no full moon,

so the Wolf Man is just a dude.

And who knows where

the Invisible Man is?

It's just us,

Frankenstein's monster.

So let's get fired up!

- Fire?

Fire, bad!

Oh, my God, I recognize you.

- Yeah, Ashley.

We met last week.

You kept calling me Paddington.

That's so funny.

But no, I recognize

recognize you.

It's too many tennis ba*ls!

This movie makes no sense!

That's you.

- Wait, no.

I'm how have you seen that?

- The Internet?

- Oh.

They promised

it wouldn't get out!

Nerds around the world

have been asking

when they'd finally see

Marvel's Professor Squeeze

on the big screen.

Well, recently-leaked footage

from the IDK agency hack

shows that the original

director just couldn't hack it.

This tennis ball is

a CGI time machine!

And it's gonna take me

back to before

I knew any of you!

This whole thing is

beneath me, you know?

Jesus Christ.

- Ooh, slay!

Slay!

Oh, another one in selfie mode.

Rusty, come on.

- It wasn't on purpose, OK?

I have wide thumbs,

just like Megan Fox.

And you know who else?

A lot of historical stranglers.

Rusty, can we have some privacy?

Of course.

What's up?

Brina, listen.

I gotta big sister you

here a bit.

- Sister?

How would that work?

You're so much older than me

- Auntie then.

Whatever.

Listen, I know

that the lifestyle is

a big part of all of this

for you,

but it can't be your whole life.

I'm sorry?

Back in the day,

I knew a lot of the players'

wives and girlfriends,

and I was the only one

with a plan.

OK, Monica, hold on.

Those women

just defined themselves

by their man and his money.

And then they turn around

one day and realize

they don't have a life

of their own.

So you think I'm a gold digger.

No.

No, no, no, I just think you

should have a plan of your own.

Other than

"being a famous singer."

For your information,

I do have a plan.

I made 120 grand last year.

Doing what?

Content.

And that money is on top

of all the free stuff I get

for pluggin' it on my socials.

Like the clothes,

or that spa I took you to.

You welcome, by the way.

- Oh, come on.

I saw your Instagram.

You only have 40 followers.

That's my private Insta.

Yeah, she's also

Queen Bri The Beauty Baddie.

I mean, where have you been?

323K followers?

Rusty, why didn't you

say anything earlier?

At the spa, you agreed

she needed to get a life!

Uh, I don't think so.

OK, please, do not gaslight me.

You sound crazy.

Good talk, Monica,

but some of us have work to do.

Oh my God.

An unqualified white guy

gets a job he doesn't deserve

and then poops the bed.

The only unpredictable part

is that he actually got fired.

Roll credits.

- Hey, Mr. Tobin.

My art teacher was telling me

about this documentary festival

happening in the city.

- Oh, yes, at Lincoln Center!

Yeah, you know,

I actually premiered

my first ever short there,

"Y2KKK."

It won

what at the time was known

as the Brett Ratner Award.

Well, if I go,

I get extra credit,

and if I go with you,

I get a ride.

Um, oh, no.

No, I can't.

I don't want to.

But I mean, it would be

super cool to go with you.

I mean, I bet you know

everyone there, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, here's the thing, though.

I am following your dad

right now.

And he won't leave the house,

so neither can I.

Yes, where he goes, I go.

Otherwise, I would love

to go with you, believe me.

So if you thought

yesterday was Saturday,

you should take

Sunday's pills today,

even though it's Tuesday,

which means on real Saturday

- Blasted gizmo! Brina.

- Hmm?

How do you take tickets

off a phone

and turn them into

real hand tickets?

Oh, I got this.

Oh, good job downloading

the tickets, baby.

I'm just gonna take Monday.

Just why is everyone

watching everyone,

but no one's watching me?

You know?

I can do stuff too.

You know, it's like

I don't know how

I'm gonna fight this fire.

I checked my hose at JFK,

but they lost it at O'Hare!

This is actually

quite compelling.

It was clever

how they couldn't find

the subway fire 'cause

the train was above ground.

No!

I was thinking of doing

something different tonight,

maybe going into the city.

What? No.

You're not going to

a city full of Jets fans.

Or are they?

This evening, I will be

attending the Lincoln Center

Documentary Film Festival.

And you said,

wherever I go, you go.

So let's go.

God, I see what you're doing.

That film festival crowd

won't have any idea

who you are, but

they'll all know who I am.

You have hoist me, sir,

by my own petard.

Hey, I know people were

saying that word again.

I just don't like

hearing it in this house.

When Arthur Tobin

sees how bad it feels,

that little turd

will shut up for good

about me leaving the house.

- I'm right here.

And that's not true!

- Oh, yeah?

Kina seems like

you're dragging your feet

by doing a whole

separate interview about it.

We were just talking over there.

- OK, fine.

You win.

I'll go get changed.

I was gonna say,

I'd be embarrassed

to walk in with that.

- OK.

- Oh.

Hi, Monica.

You got more thoughts on how

I should handle my business?

No. Actually,

this one's personal.

Brina, you look like

a black Jessica Rabbit.

- I'll allow it.

Continue.

And maybe that's why

I didn't take you seriously.

But at your age,

looking like that,

with your own money,

why are you with Reggie?

Why am I with a man

that you thought

was good enough to marry

and father your child?

Wow, Monica.

- I know. I know!

But when I was with Reggie,

he was on Wheaties boxes.

We were out partying

every night with Will Smith.

Who?

Now, he's watching

network dramas in the morning.

I saw him yell, "Siri, potato"

at the microwave.

What does that have to do

with me loving Reggie?

He is the sweetest man

I've ever met.

And I tried dating

ballers my own age.

My last boyfriend

was a prank YouTuber.

Oh God what is happening?!

Girlfriend snake drop!

But Reggie's just nice.

He calls his mom every morning.

From the toilet, on speaker,

but, yeah,

Reggie's easy to love.

But the age gap.

- It's kinda nice.

We only have sex twice a week

and on Halloween,

and I like it.

And unlike clout demons

like Dr. Freak,

Reggie's not threatened

by my success.

I just got an offer to be

the new brand-ambass

for GutRoll

it's a probiotic toilet paper.

And Reggie was all

You get

that doo-doo money, baby.

- Wow.

Congratulations.

And that's a good Reggie.

- Right?

I just gotta sign the contract,

but I can't do DocuSign

with these nails.

Mm.

Ooh, can I use

your finger to do it?

I just gotta scroll

to the bottom.

Wait, you read this, right?

It's not the Bible

or a street sign.

OK, I'm sorry,

but I do have more thoughts

on how you handle your business.

Remember, you're the one

that didn't just want

to hide in the mansion.

- Oh my God.

Is that Arthur Tobin?

For him to show up here

would be a greater humiliation

than what Antonio suffers

at the end of

"The Bicycle Thief"!

- Ow!

What

why do you even have this?

I take tennis lessons

in Central Park

with a nice young man

who grew up in the Caribbean.

How we've treated

those countries!

Hey, you suck!

I am as God made me, sir!

- I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to Dinkins.

You suck!

Are you the guy from Toshi's?

What the hell

are you doing here?

Oh, you should have paid

more attention

to what you were

booking tickets for.

Oh, you thought

you could escape us

by coming to a classy deal

like this.

Nah, man.

Guys like me, we're everywhere.

Like this guy.

I didn't hear what he said,

but you suck, Dinkins!

- You can run

- Not really.

But you can't hide.

There's a lot of us,

and we don't like to go home.

Can we go now, please?

We both been hoisted

by each other's petards.

And this woman is

still talking about

colonialism in the Caribbean.

To have that cheerful attitude

after all

they've been through

No.

That Jets fan isn't wrong.

Even the Amish bakery

isn't always safe.

- Wow, Reggie frickin' Dinkins!

You suck!

You suck!

And sitting around

watching high-quality

network programming

all day isn't living.

So either I don't live a life

or I learn to deal with this.

So I'm gonna take your advice.

Are you?

The only way out is through.

GutRoll may sell

the content provider's likeness

to third parties for use

in porn dolls or army

no, that's got to go.

Look, this is all

standard language.

Well, there is nothing standard

about this content provider.

Do not underestimate her

just because of her youth

and the fact that

she majored in Sorority.

Other people have

made that mistake.

They did not take

the time to find out

who Queen Bri really is.

Was that Monica apologizing

for calling me a gold digger?

I'll take it.

Oh, God, snake!

And you'd be lucky to have her.

Sorry, I didn't know

you were gonna do

a whole speech.

It's 2:00 in the morning

here in Belarus.

Just redline whatever,

and we'll sign it.

That sucked.

I didn't even understand

what your people

were yelling at you.

Nor I yours to you.

But I could tell it hurt.

By my crying, yes.

But it didn't k*ll us.

No, I don't think it did.

- Is that your car?

I need to get to JFK.

There's a fire in Chicago!

They're real!

Roll credits.

- Good night, everybody!

- Good night!