- All right.
OK.
I'm outside.
This isn't so bad.
Now I see why squirrels
live out here.
- Hey, Mr. Dinkins.
My dad says you suck.
Well, the commercials for
your dad's law firm are corny!
You too.
What's that kid
even doing outside?
Should be on your phone!
Tonight I'm gonna
cut his trampoline.
That's what I'ma do.
Huh.
Oh, hell yeah!
Morning, Rusty.
Who's your friend?
Oh, this is Jill,
my date from last night
and twice this morning.
- Uh.
Isn't that wonderful.
Oh, sh**t.
I'm gonna be late for
my shift at Newark
and that air traffic's
not gonna control itself.
If you find my shoes,
just throw 'em away.
So nice to meet you.
- Rusty.
My son is here this week.
And I'm sure Jill is lovely
- Oh, no.
She's not.
Her words.
And I always wait until
Carmelo leaves for school
before I bring them up.
- Them?
Let's just say TGI Fridays
isn't the only place
I crush the apps.
- For real?
Rusty?
I once saw that man drop
a whole bowl of spaghetti
in the pool, wait for it to
get sucked into the filter,
open the filter,
and then eat the spaghetti.
What was I supposed to do?
Just all of a sudden
learn how to swim?
Look, Monica,
I don't like to kiss and tell,
but Jill and I didn't kiss.
Well, you do live here,
and you have the right
to live your life,
but let's just keep it PG.
Well, isn't that the pot
calling the kettle
equal.
And what's that
supposed to mean?
Come on.
We're both single adults
with a cell phone.
You get it.
- Uh-uh.
We are not the same.
I don't need apps
to meet people.
I just go to the wine bar
at the mall and, you know,
catch a vibe.
- Do they still have wine bars?
I mean, I know
they don't have malls.
Well, I know it's been a minute,
but I wasn't wearing a mask
last time I went out,
so it was after COVID
Or before?
Yeah, people don't meet
in-person anymore.
Come on,
let me make you a profile.
OK?
I could be your "Hitch."
So I'm Kevin James?
No, I'm sorry.
- OK.
Well, let me know
if you need my help.
Rusty may need the apps,
but Mony's still got it.
And maybe tonight, I prove it.
Hit the Tuscan Grape and
show all y'all how it's done.
Stella's about to get
her groove back.
Hey!
Or a more recent reference.
- Yo, yo, yo!
Check this out.
This cat is gonna get me
in the Hall of Fame.
Congratulations, buddy,
you deserve it!
Uh, I need you
to say more words.
This Duck Donovan's cat!
Your old coach?
That guy's had
a rough couple of years.
Last year,
Jets coach Duck Donovan
was on top of the world.
With Dinkins in the backfield,
nothing can stop us,
literally nothing.
Name one thing.
Just one year later,
Donovan is out
after going 4 and 12
without Dinkins.
Talk about a lame duck
Donovan.
And joining me in Club Divorcé,
recently fired Seton Hall coach
and even more recently fired
Passaic Middle School Coach
Duck Donovan.
Talk about a lame duck.
No, I just came up with that.
Officer, they say
I can't bring Namath to work
just because I handle food?
But he's an emotional
support cat.
I need him!
He's all I have!
Sir, that's not a reason
to call the police.
I know my rights.
And he blamed me
for all of that!
- And
and that's good?
Coach loves that cat
more than life.
I've seen him pushing it
around in a damn stroller!
So I find the cat.
Coach is so happy,
he forgives me.
And everyone else is like,
yo, that guy forgave you?
We forgive you!
And then, bam, Hall of Fame.
Bam, broadcasting job.
Bam, they make a movie
of your life.
Bam, Pedro Pascal plays me.
And he wants me on set?
And we just click?
OK, I guess.
It's the perfect plan!
If anyone can understand
what Reggie's going through
right now, it's me.
Footage of the absolute
lowest point in my life
was recently
Meme-ified.
Namath isn't a way for Reggie
to get into the Hall of Fame.
Namath is the Hall of Fame.
I mean, what, does Reggie truly
believe he is going to be able
to find a lone cat
in the thousands of acres
that comprise Alpine, New Jersey
and "Big p*ssy" Bonpensiero
State Park?
Of course not.
But some part of him
needs to believe
that no cause is truly lost.
So tonight, we will go
and look for the cat.
Tomorrow, we will sit down
and confront what that means.
And that is the cake Mother set
aside especially for Arthur.
Hey, you.
Oh.
Oh my God, he's dead!
No one drink the pinot grigio!
Am I about to ask
the man that lives
in my ex-husband's basement
for dating advice?
Hey, welcome to Hitch's office,
Kevin James's character.
OK, you were right.
I got out the game a bit,
and the game has changed.
Mm-hmm.
So either I embrace
the Korean feminist
celibacy movement 4B
I'm aware of it.
Or I can learn, with your help,
how to do the swipey thing
with the phone.
Honestly, Monica, this is
a great time to dive back in.
You know, there's
a male loneliness epidemic,
so you are gonna clean up.
But be careful 'cause
they're also very fragile.
So they may fully snap
if you reject them.
Men are in crisis.
The bad part is the scammers,
so don't send anyone any money
for a plane ticket.
Always buy it yourself.
That way,
if they turn out to be fake,
you get to keep the points.
Good to know.
- Gosh, there's so much more.
You know what?
I'm just gonna leave you
a voice note.
Hold on.
Monica?
Hi, it's Rusty from the house.
Yeah, if a guy's photo
is in his car,
he might live in his car.
What are you guys talking about?
We're just trying
to find you a new dad.
Or just something casual
to bounce on.
OK, I want my mom to be happy,
and I didn't care
when Dad started dating.
I I mean, I'm not sexist.
But this is Mommy!
OK.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
Very cool.
- What's very cool?
Uh, Monica is my Kevin James.
- Oh.
You her "Hitch."
Go get it, girl.
I spent some time on the apps
when I was out in LA.
I was on the
the industry one where
Jared Leto matched with himself.
Any luck?
I did meet someone.
OK.
Hey, baby.
Tell the camera how we met.
It was mad romantic.
OK, so I was eating
a popsicle in the background
of one of TI's Instagrams.
Reggie saw it,
and he told Rusty to find me.
Love wins.
All right.
Let's get that profile set up.
Here we go.
OK, so what, are you,
like, 6'4"?
We've been out in the woods
of northern New Jersey
for almost six hours now.
- Namath!
So far, Reggie has set out food,
hung catnip, sprayed pheromones,
and now he is just
Namath!
Namath!
Yelling a cat's name
into the darkness
like Ahab calling out
to Moby d*ck.
Come here, you whale!
I haven't read it.
My point is,
this is the face of delulu.
- Shh!
Shut up!
I hear something.
Namath, come here!
It's working.
Damn it, it's a dog.
sh**t.
This one's Namath, too.
Stupid New Jersey!
Put him with the others!
- Come on.
You gotta come with me.
OK, everyone.
No, no, no, you stay here.
Namath!
Namaths.
No, I don't want to talk
about the cat.
I wanna go find it.
- Wait.
Sorry, you're not
seriously planning
on going back out there,
are you?
After last night?
Last night was a good start.
Every great cat-finder
starts with a few dogs.
That's where the expression
comes from!
But it's a fool's errand!
I don't even know
what that means.
Fools run errands all the time.
That's why Wawa sells sushi.
Namath is your
white whale, right?
A a lost cause.
So why do you think that
might appeal to you so much?
Hold up.
You think the cat's
a metaphor for something?
- Yes.
Yes, exactly.
No, you got that way quicker
than I planned, but yes.
No, this is all very literal.
Finding Namath is
just a good plan.
So let's go.
I don't actually
need any more footage
of you failing
to find a cat, Reggie.
Or of you grabbing a raccoon
thinking it is a cat,
or of you panicking
and throwing a raccoon at me
while my mouth is open.
Then I'll just go without you!
But you're gonna miss
the moment where
Ahab catches Moby d*ck,
and the good people
of New Bedford have lamps full
of whale oil all winter long.
Yeah, I have read it.
Hey, you guys, guess what?
I actually found a match!
- Hey!
- Ooh, he's Gaston hot.
- Mm.
Yum, business Daddy.
Yeah, his name is Eric.
And, yes, I made sure
he was real.
His LinkedIn says that
he's a tech recruiter,
and he's been
at the same company
for the last five years.
Mm, nice work, Monica.
So I had my friend Lindsay
at Experian
pull up his credit score.
Not bad.
Then I hit up my friend Kim
at the water company,
and she said his usage suggests
he does live alone.
Yeah, I guess
I'm a little nervous.
- Oh.
Because you're a virgin?
- What?
- She has a damn son!
No, because I haven't been
on a real date in nine years.
And everything I knew
no longer applies
because dating is phones now,
just like maps and restaurants.
Which is great
because I'm going out
with a guy from
my phone tonight!
Yeah!
OK, I am a feminist.
I marched.
But this is not a woman.
Like I said before,
this is Mommy!
I did tell Eric
to pick me up here, though,
so he doesn't have
my home address.
Smart.
That way, if he's a m*rder*r,
only we get k*lled.
Mm.
He's still out there somewhere.
This is delusional.
Not just that he thinks
that he's gonna find the cat,
but that he thinks
the cat will magically
solve all of his problems.
Speak of the devil.
Probably got his head
stuck in a beehive.
Um, sorry, I need to take this.
Yes, Dean Edwards, please.
That that footage of me
was leaked illegally, so, I
OK, well, I think
you're an embarrassment
to the University of Maryland.
I don't mean that, Cheryl.
Obviously, I don't.
I don't.
You are a towering figure
in the field of 19th century
South American p*rn*graphy.
I
OK, well, you know what?
Actually, I quit.
Yeah.
Bye-bye!
Reggie!
Reggie!
Where are you?
Arthur Tobin?
Thank God Monica put
that AirTag on you.
OK, we need to find this cat.
'Cause this is a very good plan.
Exactly, and because there's
no such thing as lost causes!
And it's definitely
not a metaphor!
Nope! It is just a good plan
that will get you
into the Hall of Fame
and make this
a great documentary,
and then Dean Edwards can go.
I don't know where we gonna
get a whole bag of them,
but let's do it.
Namath!
- Namath!
- Namath!
OK, wish me luck, y'all.
Actually, don't.
Watch me cook.
Hey.
- Monica.
Hi.
Well, you weren't kidding
about the cameras.
Here's something
you can't do on the apps
hug.
Mm, this is what human bodies
are meant to smell like,
b-t-dubs.
Deodorant is a scam
by big pharma.
- Oh, Eric.
Ah.
You're wearing shorts.
I work from home,
so I rock what I like
to call the body mullet.
Business up top,
party down below.
OK, you need to sleuth
the full body.
That's on her.
Mm, I mean, sometimes
weird dudes are good lovers.
I think that's what's going on
with Pete Davidson.
You know, I just realized
that this is all
probably too soon for my son.
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
You two crazy kids have fun.
He's perfect!
I mean, one date with that guy,
and she'll swear off men
forever.
I'm not proud of myself.
Well, I know this wine bar
Oh, we can hit that up after
the escape room that I booked.
I know what you're thinking.
Don't worry
it is not timed.
Your Cybertruck awaits, m'lady.
Hey.
Ooh.
I hope this date goes better
than the one
I went on this morning.
No, you must find poor Namath.
I mean, if he's not
in your life,
who will eat you
when you die in the tub?
Now, your best bet is to leave
out some items of clothing
with a familiar scent.
Like from the owner?
Yes, either one of you.
Although cats are very
sensitive to power dynamics,
so it should probably
be whichever of you
is the more sexually dominant
in your relationship.
I know where Coach gets
his dry cleaning done.
Good plan.
Can I help you?
I's Coach Donovan's assistant.
Name's Hubert.
Has him dropped off
any dry cleaning lately?
We agreed beforehand no accents.
You're doing a accent.
He, uh, dropped off
some stuff yesterday.
Has de tings gone out?
Bossman changed he mind.
Him don't want it clean no more.
He want them dirty!
Maybe I should call
Mr. Donovan.
Rass! Him on to us!
Rass!
So the drone
didn't spot any cats,
but it did see this.
A pink beanbag by a pool?
That is former New Jersey
governor Chris Christie
sunning himself.
Where is he?!
Come on, tell me.
I know he lives here!
No, I don't!
What the hell do you want
with my clothes, Dinkins?
Coach, we are trying
to help you out.
We're trying to find your cat!
Do not call me "Coach."
What the hell are you
talking about?
You're trying to find this cat?
Wait, no, but he's missing.
Do you know how many pets
in New Jersey are named Namath?
- Yes, we do.
- Absolutely, I know.
And that thing looks
nothing like my Namath.
First off, that is
clearly a female cat.
Look at her saucy, stupid mouth!
Coach, you changed.
You did this to me!
What do you think?
You think you're gonna rescue
my Namath,
and all of a sudden,
I'm gonna forgive you
for destroying my life?
Now you got me thinking
about life without Namath,
and I hate it!
Oh, Lord, please take me first.
You can send me
straight to hell,
but take me first!
Come on, it couldn't
have been that bad.
I mean, his top half
was on point.
I don't understand
any of these clues!
So much math.
- That's not part of it.
- Oh, you don't know!
Help!
This is all your fault!
Why does this always happen?
And then I had to call an Uber
because he cut off his thumb
in the door of his Cybertruck.
Oh.
Ugh.
I think this ice cream
is spoiled.
Ice cream?
No, this is butter.
So you went on one bad date.
Except now I have to
start all over again,
swiping and making sure people
are real and getting dressed up
and getting my hopes up.
I don't know how you do it.
- It's harder for you.
You have standards.
Maybe trying to get back
in the game is just delusional.
I might as well be in the woods
searching for a lost cat.
- Look.
As your Alex "Hitch" Hitchens,
I need you to trust
the process, OK?
You're not gonna end up alone.
You just might have to lower
your standards a little.
Let's take a look at Eric again.
How often do you see
somebody's bottom half?
You know, people sit
at tables a lot.
Well, after he hurt himself,
he took off one of his toe shoes
and shook an insurance card
out of it.
So
he has insurance.
Build on that.
She's going out with
that Eric dude again?
Mommy has got to stop
listening to Rusty.
And Mommy's special boy
is gonna do something about it.
I think maybe
the cat was a metaphor.
For both of our things.
It wasn't even the right cat.
It was always a lost cause.
Like doing
"And Just Like That"
without Samantha.
She was the glue.
So what now?
What's the point?
OK, hear me out.
Just for the sake of the movie,
what if I start gambling again,
and you go on a bender?
I mean,
if it's for the film and
and it's just for one weekend.
One weekend tops.
OK, I overheard you
and Uncle Rusty
talking last night.
- What did I tell you
about listening to
grown folks' business?
Jesus don't like it.
But I heard you say
that you're not
even as good as Kevin James.
I had a low moment, OK?
Well, just watch.
So I got your autograph.
Maybe you can give me
your number.
Oh
- Thank you!
Wait for it.
- Whew.
Sorry I'm late.
The coffee guy took forever.
Coffee guy tried
to give you his number.
- Yeah.
This is it.
You don't have to lower
your standards.
And you don't need help
from Rusty.
You just gotta, y'know,
pay attention a little more.
That last guy was pretty cute.
I thought you'd say that.
That's why
I tracked him down for you.
The same way I tracked down
Brina for Reggie,
but with less time
in Atlanta nightclubs.
- So, is he single?
- Oh, he's single.
And he's an astronaut!
Unfortunately, he is
already back in space.
But it's only for eight years.
Well, I do know where to find
that coffee shop dude.
Yeah, I checked on him, too.
He is now in prison.
But for what?
- Mom.
- For being sexy?
Oh, my
I hate this.
I do still got it.
OK, let's run this back.
- Hello!
And here he is, as promised.
- Oh, my God, Namath!
Thank you!
Oh, I practice 4B,
so this cat is my whole world.
How did you find her?
There are many reasons
a lost cat might
seek shelter
in a stranger's home
escaping a predator,
a coming storm, hatred.
Most cat behavior is
motivated by hatred.
People said it was impossible,
but we found the cat.
Because there are
no lost causes.
It was never a plan,
always a metaphor!
Which means we can do anything.
- We can do anything.
I was gonna say that.
- Yeah.
Let's go!
We're invincible!
I don't get why
Monica was grossed out.
I'm on that new all-butter diet.
The neighbor's kid
told me about it.
He believed that?
Oh, my God, what a doofus!
Wait, what did Noah say?
Ha, ha, ha.
OK, he got me.
Tonight, I'm gonna cut
his trampoline.
Hmm.
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
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