I'm back at Rutgers today
and not just because
I'm dating a student.
Two years ago,
Rutgers Stadium
was renamed in honor
of the Scarlet Knights' own
Reggie Dinkins,
until his gambling scandal
took him from GOA
to goat, the old version.
That means "bad."
Curtis, no, they'll see!
But earlier today,
the stadium finally got
a new name,
honoring another
famous Rutgers alum,
"Ally McBeal" star
Calista Flockhart,
because she was "the opposite"
of Reggie Dinkins.
Of all the things I lost
that one hurt.
Alma mater means
"nourishing mother" in Latin,
so it's like my own mother
replaced me
with Calista Flockhart.
- This is good.
Reggie, this is the process.
Keep going.
When I was eight, a rat crawled
up our toilet bowl
and went in my butt!
All right, let's end there.
Today was a breakthrough.
You see, in the
immersive-documentary process,
there is a stage known
as embedding
months, sometimes longer,
spent gaining trust,
until, finally, one day,
the subject reveals
Which is, of course,
dolphin for,
"I'm horny, and I trust you."
Yeah. That's so good.
Hey, you know, I want to hate
her for what she did to you,
but she makes
Harrison Ford happy, so
Hey, Reg,
you want to sh**t some hoops?
He's my best friend!
Erase that!
I have a new assistant.
Ashley's OnlyFans got picked up
to series by Hulu.
So I jumped at the chance to
uplift another woman of color
when I got
Shaneequinniii's email.
I'm Shane E. Quinn III,
and this is my first job ever.
Good morning.
And I've got some good news.
I got you your first interview
in seven years.
See what happens when you put
good things out there?
You know what?
One of you kids gets my watch.
You deserve it!
So who wants a piece?
"60 Minutes"?
The theme song.
Tick, tick, tick, tick.
That's a banger!
Well, it's the "60 Minutes"
of Monmouth County
the "Monmouth County Register."
Is that, like, a newspaper?
Okay, I know
it's small potatoes
But, Reggie,
you like small potatoes.
Remember the fingerling ones
at the place with the rosemary?
I did like those potatoes.
Or here's a real reason
to do it.
It's a chance to capitalize
on that momentum.
I spoke to the reporter.
She doesn't even want to talk
about gambling.
- Really?
That's Smurftastic.
I can say that
now that Rihanna is a Smurf.
Good, 'cause I already said yes.
The reporter
and the photographer
will be here at 4:00.
Finally, I can just talk
about the good stuff,
like that time I did
the Lambeau Leap,
and I gave one of the guys
that caught me
an alibi in a m*rder case.
Yeah, that was Smurftastic.
You can't say that!
I think just don't talk
about football at all.
We want readers
to meet you now
the father, the fiancé,
a man who's not defined
by his past.
"Readers"?
No one reads anymore.
Yeah, they didn't even teach
us how to read at Oberlin.
The news is pictures now,
Reggie.
So just do what you're told
and take a good picture.
It'll be good practice
for the wedding.
Brina and Reggie have been
engaged for over a year,
and he still hasn't asked me
to be his best man?
Why?
You know?
Is it because of my toast
at his and Monica's
10th anniversary party?
I don't understand
how we can all be celebrating
when there's 33 Chilean miners
under the ground right now.
Go away. Go away!
I'm sorry about that guy.
So what, now that
they're, like, friends,
I mean, what if
what if Reggie chooses Tobin?
You know, what is that best-man
speech gonna be like?
Well, you know, um,
when Reggie
rather approached one
about, uh well, that, um
I, uh I meant to say
God dang it, he's so charming
Hmm, I do photograph well.
Rusty!
I have to take
an amazing picture.
I got a job for you.
- You can count on me, Reggie.
Yeah, me.
Not you!
Right there.
What is that outfit?
The power of suggestion, Monica.
This green shirt is actually
my old Jets jersey,
to remind people
I played for the Jets.
And so what, the yellow jacket
is supposed to be like the one
that you get from Hall of Fame?
And yet I said nothing.
Oh, please tell me
that's not what I think it is.
It's his Rutgers Stadium bust.
What the hell is that?
- It's my bust.
- Oh, God, no.
- And she
statues are like boats
deserves to be seen.
I mean, come on,
which one's the mom, right?
No.
I don't want that
jacked-up thing in our house.
Reggie, come on.
This is not what we discussed.
- Sure it is.
I'll say whatever you want,
but this is my visual story.
So your story is sad, old jock
literally clings to the past?
Right, you want me to focus
on my life now.
Like my son, Carmelo,
who was just named
to this weekend's
tri-state all-star game,
continuing my football legacy.
Oh, football?
I broke another Monica rule.
I hope I don't go to Monica jail
and get m*rder*d like
Monica Jeffrey Epstein.
I forgot about Carmelo.
I mean, could Reggie ask him
to be his best man?
He's only 17, okay?
So he's not even a man, okay?
And there's no such thing
as best boy.
Well, there is on a movie set,
but we're not making a movie.
Oh, my God, no, we are!
When did it get so spooky
up in here?
When I'm done with that thing,
there won't be
anything left of it.
It's okay.
Who would ever suspect Shane?
What?
You're his friend.
Just be cool.
Be cool, you stupid hog!
Yikes.
Siri, music off!
She's gone.
Who did this?
My Rutgers bust is missing,
and any one of you
could have taken it.
I didn't.
But whoever did is a hero.
That thing was jank-key.
Way to remove yourself
from the suspect list not!
"Wayne's World."
Is that, like,
Lil Wayne's podcast?
Don't distract me
with your youth.
You're the one that said
you didn't want
the statue in the house!
What the hell is that?
Hey, buddy,
you know it wasn't me, okay?
I said I liked the statue.
I noticed that.
I also noticed
your pants on fire from lying.
You have a tell, Rusty.
When you lie
you lick your lips.
- And she
sculptures are like boats
deserves to be seen.
I mean, come on,
which one's the mom, right?
No, I don't!
Hey, Shaneequinniii,
y'all shady.
Why was you wearing
rubber gloves?
Who would ever suspect Shane?
I was burying a bird
that hit a window.
White people do do that.
Reggie, look, we all know
how much that statue
means to you.
- Do you?
I kept it because someday
it was going back
in the stadium.
That's my stadium.
That's the house
that Reggie Dinkins built.
I want that, too, Reggie.
And this interview
is the way to get there.
So get your head in the game
and stop playing
Blackatha Christie.
First of all, that's
a great idea for a movie.
Second of all, I haven't even
gotten to Arthur Tobin yet.
Yeah, if we're all suspects,
then that includes him,
too, right?
- Wait. Me?
- Yes.
This drama's great
for your little movie.
Yeah, you got here,
like, two months ago.
You're not one of us.
Reggie, why would I compromise
the trust that we built up?
After the breakthrough
we had this morning,
taking your prized sculpture is
the very last thing I would do.
- Really?
Last thing?
Ahead of marrying Hitler?
I am purely an observer.
Uh, while filming in Madagascar,
I watched a sloth k*ll itself
rather than intervene.
It took four days.
And I don't know
where it got that g*n.
So I am not going
to interfere here.
But I do know
who stole the bust.
- Well, I'm convinced.
Arthur did it.
Case closed.
Now, let's go over
your talking points.
An obvious diversion.
Earlier I overheard you
on the phone saying
When I'm done with that thing,
there won't be
anything left of it.
- What exactly is "that thing"?
- It's none of your business.
But if it makes this go faster,
I connected
with a gentleman online
and was describing
my plan for later.
Oh, dear.
- Subject change
what about Brina?
So beautiful and thick,
but the plot is thicker.
- I didn't do anything.
- Yes, you did.
You walked all sneaky,
creeping like TLC.
I had just painted my toenails.
Oh, you gonna tell me
you do your own nails?
Usually I don't, but my girl
Rosa's totally booked up
'cause Cardi B's on trial.
Are you done?
We ain't done
until one of you fesses up.
I'm always being lectured
about owning my own mistakes.
But you people
won't do it yourselves.
What's going on?
Oh.
Are are we doing
Uncle Rusty's intervention?
I'll get my letter.
It's not that, son.
Something terrible has happened.
And I'm not addicted
to the trampoline park, okay?
I can stop whenever I want.
Just please don't take that
away from me.
It's the only thing I have.
So the bust is just gone?
One of you's in trouble.
I got my Dr. Watson
with me now,
which makes me
Dr. Watson's dad.
Come on.
Do you really have to drag
the boy into your nonsense?
Yes, I do, Monica,
because he's the only one
in the family that understands
where I'm coming from.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
Reggie choosing his son
to be his best man
would be nepotism.
One day you might play
for Rutgers.
And you do not want to rub
Calista Flockhart's bangs
for luck.
No.
You want to kiss
your daddy's head's mouth.
"Bangs"?
Wait, so the bust
is season 3 "Ally McBeal"?
Wait, hold on.
Is that a ear?
That's my bust's ear!
We are no longer looking
for a thief, Carmelo.
We're looking for a m*rder*r.
How does bronze just break?
Actually, it's not bronze.
When my bust was made,
there was a bronze shortage
because of the Olympics.
And you would know that
if any of you gave
a single dang eff
about his life!
Lord, today.
The interview is in an hour.
How long are you
going to do this?
- It ain't up to me.
It's up to y'all.
Okay.
We gonna see how good
you can lie to me one-on-one.
Shane, you in the box.
Would you like a soda, Shane?
- Yeah.
Carmelo, get him a soda.
Arthur.
I need to talk to you.
- To me?
You need to go talk some sense
into your ex-husband.
You've seen me try!
But when he thinks
he's been wronged,
he's like a dog with a bone.
Or me with
a key lime pie Yoplait.
Sorry, what
are we talking about?
Look, today is
actually a big deal,
but this bust situation
- Yeah.
Is threatening to blow it all
up believe me, I get it.
Reggie was finally
starting to open up to me.
Well, you're the one to fix it.
Just go look at the footage.
And if you can end this,
please, just do it.
- Monica, no.
Ethically, I
I know an interview with
the "Monmouth County Register"
isn't a big win,
but it is a win.
We're just starting to finally
make some progress here.
But Reggie's in no place
to talk to anyone right now.
They gonna love you in prison.
Arthur, please,
help me out here.
When I became a documentarian,
I made a vow
to remain forever curious,
steadfastly objective,
and insufferable
at dinner parties.
Today I break
the middle part of that vow.
No, I don't want that
jacked-up thing in our house.
For posterity,
I do want to explain
why I had to frame Brina.
Why wouldn't you say
something, baby?
You know I'd forgive you.
You see, of all
the available scapegoats,
Brina was by far
the most readily forgiven.
And if it came out
that I broke the bust,
imagine the damage
to the embedding process,
you know, and the film.
If Shakespeare were alive today,
he would say,
the film's the thing.
Right?
Obviously, I did it.
I just don't remember doing it.
Bri, what are you saying?
Reggie, you never met my aunts,
my dad's sisters,
because they live
in a insane asylum.
They went crazy
right around my age.
They'd black out,
and things would happen.
Furniture'd go missing,
the fireplace
would fill with dolls,
and whenever there was a storm,
Aunt Wendy would disappear
for a few days
and say she'd been to see
the Wizard of Oz
not even the Wiz.
So the white one?
That's nuts.
This is what I've been afraid
of since I was a little girl.
I have it.
I have the sickness.
Oh!
I would not have
singled out Brina
if I had known
about the Wiz thing.
I just thought that Brina
would say she didn't do it.
Reggie wouldn't believe her.
Brina would get furious.
Reggie would get turned on.
Problem solved.
I certainly did not think
that Brina would blame
the black mark that God put
on Grandmama Evans's name.
It's the black mark that God
put on Grandmama Evans' name.
- No, baby, don't say that.
- No!
I don't even remember
destroying something
that you love.
How could I trust myself
to be a good wife or mother?
Oh, I have to call off
this wedding.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Please, please, stop.
Dear God, it was me.
I did it. I broke the bust.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no!
But I don't like the bust.
No, that part was real.
Yes, earlier you said
it looked like
a rotted jack-o-lantern
of Shrek.
Damn, girl, you cold.
But the rest was all
just editing trickery.
The shot of you sneaking
into the living room
was from last month.
You were tiptoeing
to avoid Rusty.
I was sick of answering his
questions about "Severance."
I've just got one question.
We're two seasons in,
and no one's trying
to have sex with Mr. Milchick?
But wait, we all just saw her
throw the bust into the trash.
Yeah, so, Monica,
you remember earlier
when you caught me
coming out of the bathroom?
You couldn't have used
the bathroom,
because I destroyed the toilet
hours ago.
I had Chilean oysters
for breakfast.
That's why
I was wearing those gloves,
was to try to fix it.
Mystery solved.
That was not the mystery, Shane.
And I-I didn't go in there
to use the facilities.
I just went in
so I could go out the window,
sneak back inside,
and run upstairs to borrow
a couple of things.
And then I popped back in
through the loo window and
Yeah.
You touched my wig?
Jail!
My Irish friends were right
about you people.
You played me this is
supposed to be a documentary
about the Hall of Fame.
What are we doing?
You almost got
the wedding canceled.
I should kick you in half!
You had me thinking I was crazy!
This is really gonna hurt
the embedding process.
We loved you!
Stop!
Everybody just stop.
Dad, Mr. Tobin didn't break
your statue.
When he knocked it over,
it was already busted.
By me.
I just couldn't bring myself
to tell you how it happened.
You son of a b*tch.
- You broke it?
But you weren't even here.
Actually,
I got out of school early
because it's
Straight White Pride Day.
- Did they always have that?
That feels new.
And after I accidentally
messed up your statue
Oh, no, no, no.
I ran and hid at Todd's house.
I don't know about that Todd.
Calling me Monica like he grown.
You gave quite the performance.
I mean, I really believed
you were surprised
when you got home.
- No, I was.
Dad, when I left,
the statue wasn't missing.
I thought somebody
was messing with me.
Hang on.
I love that bust.
But, C, you're my guy.
What made you think
you had to hide this from me?
That's the thing.
Dooby, dooby ♪
I was practicing our routine
for the prep league
a cappella showdown
this Saturday.
I have the tenor "doobys"
in Mr. Fiske's arrangement
of "Radioactive."
- You got the "doobys"?
That's amazing!
Huh.
No.
Saturday's your all-star game.
You're the starting
running back.
And that's why
I was afraid to tell you.
I want to go to the concert
instead of the game.
That's why I couldn't stand you
staring at me while I practice.
Dooby, Daddy ♪
I mean dooby ♪
So you don't want
to play football?
You didn't need to lie, Melo.
We support you no matter what.
Right, Reggie?
I'm sorry, Dad.
I know football
is your whole life.
But maybe it's not mine.
The reporter.
Oh, good Lord.
Oh, I can't even pull off
a Reggie Dinkins interview
in a paper they give away
at the drugstore.
Okay, I'm going to cancel.
Um, I'll say it's Kwanzadan.
She's white. She won't know
it's not a thing.
- No.
I'll do the interview.
I got some stuff
to get off my chest.
So it was all Carmelo's fault.
Wow, right?
For decades,
football was my life.
But it isn't life,
'cause football is over.
The stuff that really counts,
luckily,
that's not going anywhere.
I've got a fiancée
who is kind and beautiful.
And when we get married,
my best friend is gonna be
my best man.
So it turns out
he asked me a while ago.
I make too much earwax, okay?
I thought Reggie and I
were having
an emotional conversation
about what's the best ham.
It's Kirkland Signature.
I've got a Monica.
Without her, I wouldn't have
a career or a child a son.
He's gonna be
so much more than I ever was
'cause he already knows
that football is not his life.
Okay. Cool.
Um, just to go back
to my question
what's your favorite sub shop
here in Monmouth County?
Salami Joe's.
Lord have mercy.
Yeah ♪
How you boys enjoying
your new rehearsal space?
Oh, the acoustics are great.
I think it's from Mr. Tobin's
skull absorbing the sound.
Reggie, I know I deserve
to be punished,
but, please, this is worse
than when I directed
the "Imagine" video
during COVID.
Why'd you boys stop singing?
You sound so nice.
Let's get weird.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
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