01x09 - k*ller Voices: Part III

[bunniefuu]

Heidi, you don't have to be here.
It's Saturday night.

Shouldn't you be out with your friends
fidgeting each other's spinners?

That's an old one.

Now we just like listening
to people whisper things.

And besides, I like being here with you.

And now, the BcBillan you just can't k*ll.

Oh, my goodness.

So many beautiful faces tonight.

So kind of you all
to be here for this concert

to benefit my dead
or jailed family members.

My beloved brothers were poisoned

by my c**t of a sister
right there on the end.

Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.

It's a pretty good diet, really.

Just don't eat anything
Because you might get poisoned

But seriously, though,

I was never allowed
to write any of our songs

because of those c*ck right there.

But I'm the only one left,
so I had no choice.

We've got "Short Straw."

Great.

Here we go!

I picked the short straw
The bruisiest apple

The grocery cart
With the f*cked-up wheel

I got that short-a*s straw
That looks like a toothpick

The puniest boobs
In the whole damn field

Short straw

That's right, people.
I got that short straw.

And by "Short straw,"
I mean, "Stripper pole."

Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.

Short straw

All right, spin me. Spin me.

I lost feeling down there hours ago.

She's dead.

Oh, dear.

She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.

You know what?

Branda couldn't have been
the m*rder*r this time. She's in jail.

The good news is that Branda
is not the m*rder*r.

The bad news is that Branda

is the m*rder*d!

- No.
- What in the hot fudge?

- How did you know Branda was in there?
- I figured it out.

Because I stan
the BcBillan family so much.

And I thank my niece
for teaching me the word "Stan."

My aunt's my best friend.

Don't know why I said that. Why not?

There are many things about me
that are not perfect.

Liar!

I have irregular pubic borders,
I have butter-soft nails,

and I have a fourth nipple.

Stuff of nightmares.

But I do have perfect pitch
and that piano was off-key.

We didn't notice it

because Broda was actually
the most talented musically in the family.

But she didn't get a chance to show it.

She was adjusting
to the off-key accompaniment.

- Let me explain this further.
- Why don't you sing it?

You know I can't do that.

Don't be afraid.

Who wants to hear her sing?

Abigail.

Abigail.

Abigail.

Abigail.

When I was in my 20s,
a moth flew into my windpipe

and ever since then,
I'm terrified to sing in public.

Singing in public, my greatest fear.

Think, Abigail.

How would you write yourself out of this?

Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage
in front of 2 million people

at the International Arena of Europe.

I'm not afraid anymore

I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door

Hey, world

Hear me

Roar

You can do it, Aunt Abigail.

You see, this is a tale family jealousy

A destructive tale indeed

Prior to the concert
Broda bailed out Branda

Even though she was always in her shadow

I just don't understand why she has
to sing it, you know what I'm saying?

It's not even an actual song.

She's just giving us
dry information on the case.

Broda loved her sister
But hated brother Brody

So she poisoned him

But wait, there's more

Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.

You should be afraid to sing in public.

What is happening right now?

Oh, now it's a duet.

Then Brody m*rder*d Bran

- Because Bran had the best voice
- Best voice, best voice

And one more thing

Thank the Lord.

Bran gave Branda a breath mint days ago

That was a slow-working Russian poison

And she wandered into the piano

Thinking it was a tiny home

- And that's how BBPS
- And that's how BBPS

- Died - Died

I'm clapping for all of us
because that was amazing.

But wait, who k*lled Broda?

- So...
- Enough with the damn singing!

- Who did it?
- Death by splits.

She died of a broken vulva.

Fun fact, did you know the heart
and the vulva are the same organ?

It's the longest organ in the body.

No, actually, sorry. That's not true.
I was premed at Princeton.

Just...

Actually, no,
I didn't go to classes so it might be.

Either or.

All this crying has made me chafe my lips.

Do you have any lip salve?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail.
I know it was your favorite band.

I'll make you a playlist
of some of the bands I like

and maybe you'll like them too.

That's very kind of you.

Real talk?

You look like a clown wh*re.

Well, that's not the first time
I've heard that.

I used to have a lucrative job
as a circus prost*tute.

And I was always paid under the table,
where the B.J.s happened.

Oh, God. I miss B.J.s. Just kidding.

Oh, excuse me.

Even though they resented each other...

- And m*rder*d each other.
- That's true.

They were still family.

They stuck together till the end.

Yeah.

You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail.
They're loud and filthy,

just like you, you disgusting creature.

I'm actually not staying, dear.

I thought you'd enjoy this concert
with a couple new school friends.

They look like total weirdos.

Yep.

Thank you. I feel seen.

What's up, my b*tches?

Oh, no.

Abigail!

Gilbert.

Lovely night for a stroll.

May I escort you home?

Yes, of course.

Isn't this pleasant?

Abigail, watch out!