01x05 - The Real World

[bunniefuu]

Go, go, go, go! ♪

[clears throat]

I have called this meeting

to discuss a pressing issue.

This apartment is disgusting.

- Looks fine to me.

- Actually, kind of neat today.

I propose we adopt a solution

I saw employed on the program

The Real World:

a chore wheel.

No f*cking way.

Wait Yeah.

Why should we have to vacuum?

It's your fur

all over everything.

How many times must I remind you

about my lack of thumbs?

And yet, you can make

a chore wheel.

This is bullshit.

I don't have to follow

your made-up rules,

- and I'm not gonna.

- Whoa, Dais. Chill.

Daisy, growing up,

you were angry

that your parents

demanded your participation

in the Church of the Savior's

Unthinkable Torment.

Now you instinctively rebel

against authority.

And whose fault is that?

If I'm angry at anyone,

it should be you,

for making such

a f*cked-up world!

Stupid mess, getting in the way

of my moody door slam.

Yikes.

Maybe I should stay home

from the women's empowerment

conference

- and make sure she's okay.

- Certainly not.

This is an important opportunity

for you to gather intel

about Aggregon's

energy hoarding.

Why do you always have

to tell me the plan

I helped come up with?

Think she knows everything just

because she's a talking panda.

"For Nut only.

"Absolutely do not drink this,

Alex and Daisy,

even if we have an argument

and you want to get back at me."

Hmm. Weirdly specific.

This will show her.

[accent] "Ooh, I'm Nut, and I

know everything about Daisy.

"She's so predictable

just because her parents

"made her go to bed at 5:00 p.m.

"to shield her from

the gaudiness of street lamps.

[regular accent] "If I just

made the world a little better,

"Daisy could've been

[sighs]

totally different."

[screams]

Hi, Corvin. I thought this

was only for female employees.

It's called being an ally.

You'll need to sign up now

for your afternoon elective.

Do you want the workshop

on pitching your voice deeper

to be taken more seriously,

the seminar

on the most slimming power poses

- or speed mentoring?

- Speed mentoring?

Two minutes each

with higher-level female execs

and,

since there aren't that many,

a few male execs' wives.

I'll do that one. I guess.

[groans]

Where's all my stuff

that I keep on the floor?

It's on the shelves? Gross.

- Alex? Nut?

- Hey, sleepyhead.

Hey, random hookup.

[chuckles] Very funny.

It's me, p*nsy.

Your monogamous,

live-in girlfriend?

DAISY: Oh, my God.

Nut's magic tea made me basic?

Ready to go to your parents'?

My parents?

They're at their church bunker

preparing for the end of times

like every other weekend.

Um, no, they're next door.

We have lunch with them

every day.

Their stable marriage

is the model

that taught you

about relationships.

There's our favorite girls.

Who wants Arnold Palmers?

So, we eat lunch

and then do a flogging circle

as punishment

for nourishing ourselves?

No, silly. We play Scrabble.

[chuckles]

You're a riot,

daughter whose kooky sense

of humor we fully appreciate.

[chuckles] Wow.

You're really, really normal.

Daisy!

[exhales]

If it isn't my long-lost sister.

Gloriana.

Just calling to catch up.

- Tell me what you need.

- [sighs]

My human guardian drank the last

of my teleportation tea,

and now she's stuck

in your copycat world.

Can you please find her and give

her your tea to send her home?

Ooh, I'm kind of slammed today.

- [groans]

- Fine, I'll offer the tea.

But I won't force her to take it

if she prefers my world

to yours.

[sighs] Must everything

be a competition?

"Must everything

be a competition?"

We are not doing

the copycat game.

"We are not doing

the copycat game."

Okay. Love you.

Okay. Buh-bye.

So, what are your goals?

I just want to keep making

that cash money, right?

[chuckles]

Speaking of goals,

what do you know about Aggregon

that may or may not be

public information?

I meant your personal goals.

If you want a family,

you better start planning now.

[exhales] You know, employees

can freeze their eggs for free

in the Sandberg Ballroom.

- Uh

- Ladies, switch mentors.

Hi, there. What do you know

about the company's

energy research?

WOMAN:

Have you frozen your eggs yet?

Not that this company

isn't great for working moms.

They gave me two weeks

of maternity leave

and then replaced me

with another woman

and brought me back

as her assistant, so

More jobs for women?

Hi. Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Oh. Uh, cool. Thanks.

I guess.

The free egg freezing

sounds cool.

Or like the company's

trying to get us all

to put off having babies

so we can keep working here.

[chuckles]

Right?

Alex, is it?

Let me give you some advice.

Being a woman in a man's world

means making sacrifices.

[chuckles] Oh, totally.

I-I was just joking about

You're in

the outrage department,

isn't that right?

Yeah. My background's

in programming, but

Sounds like

you're being underutilized.

You know, the most important

aspect of leadership

is squeezing all you can

out of your employees.

They're the best resource

in the world.

- Thanks. Um, I-I mean

- [phone buzzing]

Move along.

Oops! Sorry.

[chuckles]

BRB.

Bathroom break.

Hmm.

Nut.

Man, that was awesome.

I'm on such a high. Do you want

to go get a drink somewhere?

But now is when we sit

on the couch

and watch

our favorite network TV drama,

- NCIS: Minneapolis.

- Oh. O-Okay.

Ooh, Mission: Impossible's on.

Alex and I made up

this action movie drinking game

where you drink

anytime anyone does anything

that would hurt in real life.

[chuckles]

Fair warning, you get f*cked-up.

No! We have to follow

the schedule.

Okay, okay. Geez.

Who's Alex, anyway?

Nobody, I guess.

♪

- [knock on door]

- Oh, thank God. I'll get it.

- Nut?

- As if. I'm her sister.

What? Nut has a sister?

Who do you think created

this superior universe?

Fun fact: in my world,

red pandas aren't endangered.

So, Nut's "special tea"

brought me

into a universe you made?

And my "special tea"

is the only way

to send you back.

♪

I may not have been to

the gynecologist in four years,

but I'm pretty sure this is not

how freezing your eggs works.

And there it is.

Nut thinks she's so great,

but her universe

is hideously flawed.

Look at your loony-tune parents.

- Or those fish that look like Ted Cruz's face.

- Fair.

Here,

there's no pesky free will,

and everything's perfect.

No offense, but I'd rather have

parents who don't get me

than ones

who are basically robots.

At least in Nut's universe,

I get to decide if I want

to obey the chore wheel.

Uh-oh.

You're not leaving so soon, are you?

Daisy,

you have to get to EWWcon.

Aggregon is taking

workers' genetic material

and using it for

[screams]

Well, well, well. Our new hire

is some kind

of social justice warrior mole.

I knew there was something fishy

about you

when you failed to participate

in Tie-Dye Fri-Dyes.

Technically,

I didn't participate

because Tie-Dye Fri-Dye

is stupid.

[gasps]

How dare you!

So, you knew the company

was making these

things out of employees' eggs?

Did I know?

Honey, whose initiative

do you think it was?

And you go-getter gals

have been donating eggs

all day!

Have fun!

[laughing]

[whimpers]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Normcore Daisy sucks.

She doesn't even have

a nonmagic bong.

Classic Nut to give

random humans magical powers

- to protect her.

- I'm not a random human.

Being Nut's guardian

is my destiny. [grunts]

- [grunts]

- Oh, I'm sorry!

I hit an adorable, fuzzy panda.

That's, like, the first sign

of being a serial k*ller.

[laughs]

"Destiny"?

Did Nut tell you that?

Free will

means destiny is bullshit.

Nut lied to you

to get what she wanted.

You know what?

For an adorable, fuzzy panda,

you're kind of a b*tch.

- [grunts]

- Girl, bye.

[line rings]

[energy zapping]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Damn.

I go to another world

for one day,

and you start a fight

with a bunch of

- What are these things?

- Where the hell were you?

["Must Be Nice"

by Trampoline Team playing]

Bong Selleck Laser Light Show!

"Oh, thanks for saving my butt,

Daisy.

I know you probably had

your own stuff going on today."

I called you, like, nine times.

I've been battling these freaks

all alone.

Birth Control, Abort Operation!

[crackling]

Cover me.

Bong Selleck Cloud Cover!

♪

Must be nice ♪

Must be nice ♪

Must be ♪

Hasta la vista, ladies.

Sorry, everyone.

The egg freezer's out of order.

Do whatever you want with

your eggs. It's your choice.

Come on. I called Nut before

when I couldn't reach you.

Status report.

There was a minor security blip

courtesy of a nosy new hire,

but I took care of it.

It doesn't appear you did.

CORVIN:

I'll handle her right now.

Don't bother.

I will handle it myself.

Your incompetence

is too great a risk

as we near the final stage

of my plan.

Effective immediately,

your contract here

is terminated.

But, Verus,

I made an army for you.

- I can do better. I

- Terminated.

ALEX:

sh*t got wild in there, Nut.

Corvin texted Verus

- about some kind of mutant army, and

- Verus?

Alex, listen to me.

Verus is extremely dangerous.

DAISY: Hey, Nut.

Gloriana told me you lied.

We were never fated

to protect you.

You could have chosen anyone.

Nut, is that true?

Yes, I did choose you

more or less at random,

but you have proven yourselves

worthy guardians.

Not the point. You guilted us

into thinking

we were the world's only hope.

You put us in danger

over and over.

And I still don't want

a chore wheel!

- It is not safe for you at Aggregon.

- Just

leave us alone, Nut.

Alex.

Oh. Hi, Ver

The position

of my executive assistant

has suddenly become available,

and I'd like to offer it to you.

I'm flattered, but I

Before you answer,

you should know

that Corvin has been let go

for his unconscionable

egg freezing program.

This company hasn't always been

squeaky clean.

I'm offering you the chance to

change that from the inside.

Your destiny

is still unwritten.

If I take this promotion,

you and I can change Aggregon

for the better.

Of course.

Don't you want me as a mentor?

Deal.