01x01 - HBO's A Game of Rock Paper Scissor

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight!

Creepy hands wrapping their way around

the door in a horror
movie, it's Josh Ruben!

Someone walking in on you in the bathroom,

it's Zac Oyama!

- Oh, sorry!

- [Sam] And opening a
door during a hurricane.

- No, no, no!

- [Sam] It's Brennan Lee Mulligan!

They're all here to

- [Together] Make some noise!

(upbeat music)

- This is "Make Some
Noise" the game so good

we spun it off, unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.

If you've never seen this before,

here's how the show works.

I have a series of improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- I've never seen them.

- I won't know if I haven't seen them

until I see them for the first time.

- I've never been on this
set before in my life.

- Our players must act out those prompts

to the best of their ability.

I will award them corresponding points

and one of them will walk home
with the coveted golden ear.

Which was severed from a
golden Vincent van Gogh.

- What?

- Josh!

- Ah!

- Batman doing Cameo.

- Which one, you know what I mean?

I'll go with, you know, Christian.

Hey, what's up?

Listen, thanks for paying the 58 bucks

to tell you, Jerry, to
have a bat-tastic birthday.

Stay good.

Wouldn't wanna have to
put your a*s in Arkham.

- Fantastic.

I'll cut you off there.

We'll say one point for you, Josh.

Zac.

- Yes.

- A sommelier who's never tasted wine.

- So, what we have
today is a purplish red.

(snapping)

Oh, I broke it?

Does anyone have a fork?

You really have to grind out the cork.

And that's all gonna be in there

and that's good flavor.

(sniffing)

Ew! Whoa.

This was 90 dollars.

You let me know if that's
to your liking or not.

I'm not sure that we're gonna be able

to do anything about it.

But, um, it was cool hangin'.

- It was cool hangin'!

In the bible for any
Michelin star restaurant.

Very good, Zac.

We'll say one point for you.

Brennan.

An old-timey prospector who's
getting into crypto currency.

- You listen here.

I may have lost part of my
brain in a wolverine attack,

but I know one thing and
one thing's for sure.

That is the blockchain is
the future of currency.

You say, oh, fiat currency?

You want state backed dollars?

What could be better than a completely

unaccountable system of absolute strangers

and con artists assembled together

in a bizarre crypto-fascist commune?

We already know that these currencies

are being used to fund neo-n*zi
and far right organizations.

If you're legitimately
considering using these things

there's something f*cking wrong with you!

- I'm gonna cut you off
before this becomes--

- No, there's something
f*cking wrong with you!

- Where'd the prospector go?

- Bippity-bappity,
bippity-bappity, bippity!

How's about that?

- One and a half points for Brennan.

- Is that a calculator?

- Yeah, this is the latest
in calculator technology.

- Oh, okay.

- Josh.
- Uh.

- An assassin assembling

the world's most intricate sn*per r*fle.

- No problem.

(clearing throat)

- No problem.

(clicking)

- Beep, beep, beep, boop.

Welcome.

- Oh my god.

(squeaking)

- Welcome.

(clicking)

Ugh, okay.

Eyeball, eyeball.

Eyeball.

It's the eyeball part.

Please activate b*llet part.

Doo, dee, dee.

Good, scan left thumbprint.

Brling.

Welcome.

Pull out fifth antenna part.

(clicking)

Helmet?

Beep.

(squeaking)

Okay, and find target.

Activate the left hand.

Left hand, I said.

Oh, you gotta go back.

Gotta do it all over.

So put it all back.

Put it all back.

(clicking)

- Uh, I'm gonna cut you off there, Josh.

The similarity between that sn*per r*fle

and my rice cooker is very remarkable.

Let's say nine points for Josh.

- Wow!

- Zac!

- Yes.

- That guy in a movie
who's definitely about

to be hit by a bus.

- Oh, we got it?

The deal went through?

f*ck yes, Terry!

God damn it, that's why we close.

We're on top of the world.

Nothing's gonna stop us at all.

(imitates whizzing car)

f*ck almost hit me with a car.

Anyways.

- I'll cut you off there, Zac.

It always is at the peak of one's life.

- Yeah.

- That one gets hit by a bus.

4.75 points for you.

- Oh.

- Brennan.

A carnival barker for the
free section of Craig's List.

- Step right up, step right up!

Ladies and gentlemen, to see the amazing

c*m stained mattress!

Right here!

Folks, you won't believe your eyes

as you see this absolutely
free, infested bed bug paradise.

Every type of vermin on the planet

just waiting to leap from
this Serta Sealy mattress.

Straight onto your pets and loved ones.

And if that's not enough,
direct your attention over here

to a broken skateboard
that my old roommate left

when we parted on bad terms.

That's right, folks, he had to
get outta the city and quick!

There was weird family stuff going on.

- I'll cut ya off there, Brennan.

My god.

I'm gonna say 33 and a
third points for Brennan.

- Yes!

- Josh.
- Huh?

- From your TikTok to my prompts.

Jason Bateman giving an
inspiring locker room speech.

- Oh my god.

- Uh, okay, buddies.

Well, let's, let's all just...

Let's really put a,

let's get a good bend in our knees

and just really think about, you know,

if you go out there
and you lose, uh, well,

you will not uh... you will not get, uh.

You will not get, uh,

an ice cream.

And you know what, if you, if you win,

you'll uh... you'll uh, you will get, uh.

You will get uh...

Um...

Ice cream.

- Hardly the motivation that any

of those high schoolers are looking for.

Let's say eleventy points for you.

- Ha! Okay.

- Zac.

- Yessh.

- A drive-thru order at
the restaurant Leftovers.

- Sorry, one second.

Do you want anything?

Could I get a styrofoam container

with two scoops of the...
the fragrant shrimp?

And then...

I want an open, uh,

an open La Croix.

It doesn't matter what flavor.

And...

Well, we're gonna do two tinfoil ba*ls.

And...

And a coke.

Thank you.

- Zac having peered
directly into my fridge.

And we'll say 28 points for Zac.

Brennan, a monologue from HBO's

"Game of Rock Paper Scissors."

- You've done quite well for yourself.

Haven't you?

I remember you when you were
nothing more than a pebble.

Your father was an estimable warrior

and king in his time.

The Boulder of Rockland they called him.

Me, nothing more than a
humble sheet of paper.

(slurping)

Oh, I can't drink.

- It's absorbent.

- Outside, I have a
googolplex of soldiers.

Anyone that wants to
look up how much that is,

go ahead and do that right now.

While you've been gallivanting around,

falling in love with that
beautiful scissor princess,

I have been preparing for this day!

Years have lapsed.

My family cut to ribbons. Shredded.

Made into compost.

Nothing more than detritus and pulp.

Time will tell.

Even the most humble sheet of paper

can surround you when you least expect it.

I will see you on the b*ttlefield.

(creasing)

(laughing)

- Yes!

Way to stick the landing, Brennan.

- What if you could fold
yourself into a little airplane?

- Oh my god.

- [Sam] What if you could?

- That's the strat.

- What if you could self origami?

Yeah, we'll say a googolplex
of points for Brennan.

- Yeah!

That's what's up!

- It's time for the minigame.

This is the minigame we
call Wrong Answers Only.

Basically, players, how this works

is I will give you a category

and you will make up
bullshit by buzzing in.

And me calling on you until I say stop.

The category is, advanced
ways to order your eggs.

Josh.

- Full on, kid.

- What is "full on, kid?"

- Pretty much it's everything.

It's literally everything
but you say, full on, kid.

And kid, I don't know if
many people know that,

but that's another word
for chef down here,

especially in this part of the state.

So they will know as
soon as you call 'em kid

that it's a respectful nickname.

And that they will know to load 'em up

with especially extra pepper.

Excuse me.

Especially extra peppers.

I'm not done.

Especially extra peppers
and a whole lot of cilantro

with as much heat as you possibly can,

especially cotija.

- Brennan!

- Extra aged.

- Extra aged being?

- Chicken.

- An A-plus joke for Brennan.

Zac.

- Shorted.

- Shorted being?

- You gotta short it and then we'll make

a lot of money when they run out of eggs.

- Nobody's ever shorted
the egg market before.

- Brennan.

- Gone.
- Being?

- They're gone.
- No eggs?

- If you're looking to
keep the cal count down,

the calorie count down, you get some eggs.

You say, let me get 'em gone.

- Yeah.

- So you just get a plate.

And then you can hang
out with your friends.

- Brennan accommodating
our social anxiety.

Josh.

(snapping)

Which is?

- Oh, it's pretty straight forward.

So the (snapping) it's get
the attention of the waiter.

Then it's right away.

And then egg and I'm grateful.

- So it's really just eggs?

- I think you misunderstand.

It's an advance way to order for my eggs.

It's no verbs, no adjectives or nouns

or letters or anything.

No use of vocal...ization.

You just.

(snapping)

- Zac.

- Omel-In.

- Being?

- So they give you beaten up eggs.

- Yes.

- You drink that.

Hot oil, you drink that.

Cooks the eggs into an
omelet in your stomach.

- I love that.

- And then you're okay, probably.

- It's an omelet only once
it's inside your body?

- Yeah.

- Brennan.
- All at once.

- Meaning?

- Meaning you take a day, you
set it aside in your calendar

and you order all of the
eggs you're ever gonna eat-

- You're ever gonna have in your life!

- Oh wow.

- You figure out what
restaurants you're gonna go to

and you just go, hey, 30 years from now,

I'm gonna be at your diner.

I would like a western omelet.

- And at that point your basically done

with all the eggs you have to eat in life.

- You order them all.

- From then on you can order them gone.

- And then you can get 'em gone.

Exactly.

(light music)

- That brings us to round two where

our players will now
fulfill my perversions

in teams of twos.

- Ah.

- [Sam] Zac.

- Huh?

- Slimer tries to convince the Genius Bar

his phone wasn't slimed.

- Uh, next up is... Slimer?

(growling)

Is there a Slimer?

(gurgling)

Do you have an iPhone?

- Yeah, I do.

(squelching)

- Okay, um.

Wow. Heh, heh.

So, what seems to be the issue, is it?

- (gargling) No, no, no.

It's your issue, okay.

(gurgling)

- It does seem to have been slimed

but if you didn't do it, I would...

- I didn't do it.

You did it, okay.

- This is the first time
I've ever touched slime.

So, I don't think I--

- I'll cut you off there.

Praying, Josh, that you could still do

the Slimer impression I saw,

maybe 15 years ago and never since.

- Ha, ha, ha! No idea if I was close.

But I hope it brought y'all back.

- We'll say five points for each of you.

Zac and Brennan.

An obviously stolen item
at "Antiques Roadshow."

- Hurry, hey, hurry.

- I don't...
- Hurry, do it! Do it.

- Okay, uh.

- Do it, sir, hurry! Hurry!

- Uh, so you are on camera.

- Sure, yeah.

- Gotcha.

Hello, sir, uh.

- f*ck.

- Uh, so the...

- Is it worth a lot?

It's gotta be worth a lot.

- Well, this is a bloody bag of money.

Um, how long has this bag of
money been in your family?

- Gosh, in my family?

Probably about, uh, probably
about like two minutes.

- Okay.

And any sort of family stories come to us?

- Well, my family's in a lot of trouble.

- Yeah, that is.

So, that is cocaine.

Now the interesting thing about the bag.

Um...
- Yeah, I'm listening.

- Okay, is there someone at the door?

- [Josh] Police! (knocking)

- Go to hell!

- And I'll cut you off there.

Man, did that go action packed.

Uh, let's say nine points for each of you.

Brennan and Josh.

The mushrooms hit Samwise
and Frodo at the same time.

- All right, it's been awhile.

Since I've familiarized
myself with our mission,

but who knows which one I am.

Yet, here we go.

- Oi, Master Frodo, the
ring, you don't even remember

your own life and what
we're here trying to do!

- What we're trying to do?

We're just trying to have a good time.

- Remember we took the ring.

- Mm, oh!

- All the way to the fires of Mount Doom!

- Oh, right, the ring, the ring.

- [Together] The ring, the ring.

- The ring.

- Wait, put your face on my face

and say it at the same time.

- [Together] The ring.

- Are you? Are you...

- [Together] Speaking in my voice?

- I might not be able to carry
the ring, but I can carry,

both of us.

- Okay.

- Using the power of my mind.

- Okay!

(humming)

- I'll cut you off there, you two!

- Oh, it's been a moment.

- [Sam] With a dosey doe!

- But I thought it was
very, very, very accurate.

- We'll say four and a fourth
points for each of you.

Zac and Brennan.

An astronaut trying to cover up to NASA

that they really f*cked up.

- Colonel Smith, how's
it looking out there?

You seeing that bright, blue marble?

- Uh, Houston we are seeing
that bright, blue marble

and it is looking clear.

- Airlock is secure, you are go for entry

to the ISS on recovery mission--

- Copy that Houston, one second.

Uh, we got some interference.

Muting myself...

Has anyone seen my box, my juice box?

- We're getting a moisture confirmation

in some of the air filtration systems.

- Yeah, so I, there's... you know,

they have these juice
boxes that I was told

that we were allowed to bring up.

And a lot of them, a lot of them got out.

And a lot of them are floating around now.

And I pre-put all the straws in.

- You pre-put all of the straws?

- It's my least favorite
part of juice boxes.

And so I do it ahead of time
so I can reward myself later

for the good NASA job I did.

- Colonel Smith, who told you

you could bring pre-opened juice boxes?

- We get one personal item.

- No, you don't!

- I'm gonna cut you off there.

- Is it good to give a hard no

in an improv scene?

Is that what you're supposed to do?

- You can't do that!

- To say no, you are
not, you can't do that?

- Joshua.

(sighing)

And Brennan-ua.

Two sea captains competing
for who loves the sea more.

- Aye, she's a cruel mistress.

Fierce and tempestuous.

But, I would live no other life.

The sea chose me, in a way.

- Why it's funny ya say that

because um, I also feel that, um,

the sea calls to me.

(puffing)

One time, validating that point,

sort of reaffirming it.

- Yeah.

- I was out in the middle of the sea

after a vicious shipwreck.

Only me, floating on a
big piece of f*ck' wood.

But it was a whale with a woman's body.

- Sorry, wait a minute.

I know we're supposed to be
doing something else right now,

but I am gonna double back to,

a whale with a woman's body.

So like, what part of the woman

that you saw indicated that
it was in fact a whale?

- Okay, so perhaps you didn't understand

what I was saying--

- No, I really didn't.

And I am asking for clarification.

- Okay, so there are a
many mythological tales

about the sea, the Poseidon stuff.

But the sea manifests through

the physique of a pretty hot bodied woman

with a face of a f*ck' whale.

- Sorry, was the face proportional

to what a whale's face size would be?

- Oh, no! Come on, girl.

It was pretty small.

You know, like um, I don't
know like about a meter.

So, it rose--

- A three foot face?!

- So it told me I was its favorite.

- Okay, so you're out on the ocean,

a woman with a three foot long whale face,

and I guess, human hair on top, maybe?

- Oh, hell yeah!

Braids, like f*ck' barnacles.

- Now, she comes up to you and says,

I'm the sea and I'm in love with you?

- Well, no.

Excuse me, I wish, am I wrong?

No, the sea manifested itself

as a woman with a pretty bangin' body

and hair like the braids of seaweed.

And said, "You, Terry
Mennanecker, you are my favorite."

- I'll cut you off there with that whale.

- This is my favorite new character.

- Joshua.
- Ba.

- And Zachary.
- Muh.

- A scene from a nixed
version of "Castaway"

in which Wilson was a
talking, animated volleyball.

- Help!

Help! Get me off this island!

I have created fire!

How do I get outta here, Wilson?

- Uh, chill out.

Why don't we try to have a little fun?

- I don't think it's possible

for me to have any fun when my teeth

are falling out of my
face and making me crazy!

- Oh, you never needed those teeth.

I don't got any teeth and I think

I'm a pretty cool dude.

- All right, I've gotta be going crazy.

Do ya have like a phone
or anything like that?

Maybe I could call for help.

- Oh, phones?

Everybody these days are
in their phones, right?

- Oh, oh, you're literally
holding a cartoon--

(gulping)
Oh no, no!

We coulda called for help!

- Too bad.

- I'll cut you off there, the two of you.

- I just wanna get back to my wife.

- Easy to see why this version

did not pass the focus group.

- Yeah.

- 587 points.

- Split or each?

- Oh, split.

Don't get greedy, players.

- That's like 200 something.

Three, 200 something.

(light music)

- That brings us into round three

where our players will now hold hands

and jump into the abyss together.

Josh, Zac, Brennan.

Friends who don't know how to count

on New Year's Eve.

- I can't believe it.

- Oh!

- I can't believe that
we're all in the same spot,

physically together again.

- We're on different coasts and--

- Oh my god.
- Here we go!

- It's happening.

- It's happenin'.

- Ha, ha, ha!

- Great, do we do the?
- Yeah.

- Oh yeah.

- Hey, yeah!

- Whoa!

- Hey! Hey!

- Hey!

- [Together] Hey!

Hey!

- Whoa!

- Hey!
- Paps!

- Whoa!

- Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Whoa!

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow♪

- I will cut you off there.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Incredible.

Josh, Zac, and Brennan.

From the CD "Sounds to Help You Sleep"

jungle noises, plus Steve who got lost.

(cackling monkey)

(trilling insects)

(croaking frog)

(trilling)

(croaking)

(trilling)

(cackling monkey)

(grunting)

- Hello?

(grunting)

Guys?

(fluttering)

(squeaking)

Guys?

(squeaking)

Did everyone leave?

(growling cat)

Joke's over, guys.

Heh, heh.

Guys?

(fluttering)

Guys!
(buzzing mosquito)

Ow!

Guys?

(buzzing mosquito)

(ringing)

911?

I'm in a different country.

- Um, okay, there's not a whole lot

we're gonna do about that.

- I'll cut you off there.

- Immediate service.

- Yes, immediate service.

In a different country.

Fully on board.

- Taking the action to immediately say,

we're not gonna help.

- Oh my god, yeah, no, how could we?

- Josh, Zac, and Brennan.

Guys on the Titanic pumped for bro time

now that the women and children are gone.

- That band, dude!

That band is banging.

Dude, we got a band, dude.

What's that a five piece?

Yeah, play that violin, dawg!

(screeching)

- Oo! Oo!

Whoa!

- Dude.

- Whoa, look at that,
but also look at this.

- Oh! What the f*ck, dude!

- It's still gonna be away,
though, you know what I mean?

(thudding)

- Oh sh*t, a f*ck' spar of wood f*cking

clobbered Trandor in the head.

- Whoa.

- Trander, are you okay?

- I'm f*ck' good, where
is that f*ck, though?

- Dude, dude, oh my god.

Oh, he's got bad blood, dude.

- Oh, dude.

♪ Now we got bad blood♪

(chuckling)

Hey, it's f*ck' mad sideways, ya know?

- What's up?
- Mad sideways.

- I'll cut you off there.

That brings us to the end of our game.

Our winner tonight.

- Please be me, it better be me.

Please!

- Brennan Lee Mulligan.

- No!

- Ha!

- I did laugh a lot.

- Brennan, that means
that you are the recipient

of one coveted golden ear.

Thank you.

(light applause)
- Wow, thank you so much.

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."

Be sure to tune in next time for more

of the Game Samer.

I'm Sam Reich and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Goodnight.

(light music)