02x03 - Family Work Party

[bunniefuu]

[Male Announcer
reads text on screen]

[Musical jingle]

[bright music]

[Todd].
Snax! Where are ya, buddy?

Snaxi!

[Dewey humming]

What are you doing?

Dental hygiene.
What are you doing?

Beer nuts. His favourite.

You're a good friend, Todd.

You know, you can
use the bathroom.

It's okay.

I don't wanna intrude.

You're letting me stay here.

That's plenty.

Oh, nut me!

[Dewey choking]

Are you okay?

[garbled] I'm okay! I'm okay!

Please don't tell anyone
you choked on my nut!

I won't! I won't!

Holy f*ck.

Snaxi!

Oh wow, Auds,
what a difference!

She's all ready.

Can I help you?
- Huh?

Uh, how much did you
get for my empties?

Yeah, like 13 and change.

f*ck, that's it?

Well, beer store Bobby
wouldn't take the ones

that had cigarette
butts in them, dummy.

What a d*ck.

You spot me 13 bucks?

[Todd scoffs]

Let's go.

You know what?
- Oh, wine bottle.

I'm gonna chill.

I'm thinking a few
barley sandwiches,

some edibles and a
little tub time.

It's sunny.
- What now?

It's a work function.

I don't work there.

I feel like there's
gonna be drama.

Shotgun.

Hey. Come on.

It'll be fun.
It's family day.

I think I'm just
gonna get high,

and work on the truck,

and clean the house.

You didn't drive halfway across
the country to puss out now.

Come on, let's
share the moment.

Strength in numbers.

Dad'll be there.

The Stools return!

It's not that.

Oh, Todd, the
guys'll get over it.

They just need
a bit of time.

Hey, I'll be your
brother, Auds.

Yeah.
- Oh my God.

I'll just go get my cooler and
gotta stop at the liquor store.

Um, you spot me twenty?

I'll go.
- Oh.

Do you have a family
member or a friend

or ex-cellmate that has a
driveway for this thing?

[Audrey].
You know what? Let me.

Billy, if this f*cking
piece of sh*t isn't gone

by the time we're back,

I'm gonna get Dewey
to move in with you.

He sleeps naked.

Oh.

[Audrey].
And he doesn't spoon.

He forks.

How-how do you know that?

Just hang on!

I'll be right behind ya!

[chuckles] Hey!

Hey! I'll ride in the back!

[Homer].
Remember, team,

we have a mission today,

we're all gathering intel.

Happy Family Day!

[Homer].
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Family Day.

Anyway, we don't
wanna look ridiculous

and we don't know
who we can trust,

so only eat food that
we provided, okay?

Hey, Maureen.

Homer, you undercover today?

Oh hey, I'm sorry.

What was that?
Did anyone else hear that?

'Cause it kind of
sounded like a,

a b*tch!

[Audrey].
Jesus.

You don't have
to be like that.

Yeah, be like what?

Let's go inside, Todd.

Infiltrating our ranks.

Uninvited f*ck' dildo!

Am I undercover?
Of course I'm undercover.

Ghost f*ck' protocol.

Sweetie, can we
get these inside?

Yes ma'am.

[Maureen].
Remember, honey,
this is a work event.

Don't mention the Illuminati,

graphene in your
white blood cells,

or anything to with tinfoil.

[Homer].
Sweetie, honey,
love of my life.

I cannot vouch for that
outcome, but, uh...

Hey! Sandwiches look great!

Excellent protein
to bread ratio.

Come on, get in there.

Goddamnit, Dylan!

Did you get my measurements?

The suit's a little tight!

Last time I checked,
I'm not a g*dd*mn seamstress.

Excuse me, what did you say?

I said if the suit fails,
we'll come up with a plan B.

That's what I thought, okay.

Hey, hey, Dad.

Leave the door open.
It smells in here.

What, and expose
the whole operation?

Come on!

If you can't handle the
lemon citrus air freshener,

then breathe
through your mouth!

More like shitrus.

What?

Dad, flight checker said
Jenn Conch landed an hour ago.

ETA seven to nine minutes.

Seven minutes-

Right this way, Ms. Conch.

Seven to nine minutes,
my a*s!

Nice heads-up there, numbnuts!

Love you, son.

You got this!

Ghost protocol!

The boy is displaying
inferior tracing practices.

Suggest post-work
event analysis.

Dad, I can hear you!

Good. I was testing you.

[Jenn].
Okay, stop. It's fine.

[Janet].
Oh, sorry. Yeah, lemme...

[Jenn].
And wait!

[Jenn exhaling]

Okay.

You from this dump, Janet?

It's my home dump, town, yes.

And actually, my high school
is responsible for the mural

over there on that wall.

[Bennett].
Smelly bunions!

Let's take care of
those smelly bunions.

Huh.

Hey, Jenn.

Can't wear those
shoes in here.

It's against policy.

Oh, someone, uh, cares about
company policy all of a sudden?

Or did ya have an epiphany
while being a power-bottom

in your cell?

[Janet snickering]

Or you've been sniffing too
much of that shoe spray?

[both laughing]

So, so sorry.

So sorry, Miss Conch.

[whispers] I
thought he was dead.

[Janet]
I have no idea.

[Homer].
Well, hello there, young man!

Size 11, please! [laughs]

Hey, Homer.

How's the family?

Nope, I'm Conchie. Ha-ha!

I'm incognito too.

Go to hell, Bennett!

Forgot your shoes.

[Homer].
What are you looking at, huh?

[Bennett].
Smelly bunions!

Get away!

[Bennett].
Let's take care of
those smelly bunions.

[Homer].
Alright, plan B.

Well well, well,

look what the
cat dragged in.

Hey, buddy.
- Med-man!

Backwoods!
- Good to see ya.

Still on the wagon?

Yeah, clean as a whistle.

[rhythmic drum music]

[man].
Rock on!

Janet, what the f*ck was that?

Okay! Um, greetings, everyone.

It's family day.

[cheering]

The Stools!

My name is Jenn Conch
of Conch Industries,

and I am your new proud CEO.

My father had a dream
for this company,

and I plan to see it through.

Nice, you're getting
into embezzling too.

[drumroll]
[crowd laughing]

This ends now.
- Ooh, sorry, yeah.

Your conch-tributions
and hard work

has made a record
year for my company.

We value every
single one of you,

but most importantly,
our chief engineer,

Mr. Chowdry,

who's undergone a
tremendous lifestyle change

that's inspiring to some.

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Go, quitter.

I just love that big
juicy, brain of yours.

I love you too, Jenny Boo.

Don't HR me. [laughs]
- Whoa.

I'm serious now.

Okay, and to show solidarity,

we have added his green drinks
and his carrot dogs this year.

Save one for me.
Okay, let's bowl!

[upbeat music]
[people cheering]

Hi!

Um, you should see the
graffiti of the two of you.

Oh yeah?

You're sitting on a pylon,

and, um, you've got your
flaccid d*ck in his ear,

and it looks like you're
both really enjoying it.

[scoffs] Weird.

Since when do you use
the words, flaccid d*ck?

Are you two in
a relationship?

I-I need to know.

Jenn hired me full-time HR,

so it's cool.

I'm cool now!

I even swear.

Hmm. Right on.

Cool. So you're a baglicker.
- Uh...

No, you're a clam cupper.

A labia lapper.

I'm up next in bowling.

[Janet chuckling]

I gotta go see these pussies.

Okay.

Dickholes.

Enough of this sh*t.

Back to basics.
I'm going analog.

Visual assessment,

Jennifer Conch appears
taller than what is listed

in her medical records.

I believe she may be
using a body double

for public appearances.

That or she got her
shins lengthened.

Son? Son, are you there?
Do you copy?

Son? Come in.
Do you copy?

Loud and clear.

Excellent. I'm gonna
try to get a hair sample

so prepare the van.

Son, brown squirrel.

Okay, back up. Stop it.

Just, I don't even know what
the f*ck that is, alright?

Oh, we're all having
fun on family day.

That's so great.

Why don't you go
find yours now?

That's amazing.

Have these people not
heard of pulling out?

I saw a kid back there

who's snot was mixing
in with his drool.

Oh, another one had
a hunting knife.

Don't ever have kids, Janet.

Oh, I don't.

Good, because they,

they drain your money and
then they ruin your t*ts.

Oh, that's a hot tip.

Tit, tip, tit. [chuckles]

Good job, Jenn.
- Yeah.

It almost looked like
you had a pulse up there.

[Jenn laughing]

That's so funny, Chelsea.

Oh my God, it's always
so good to see you,

Chelsea Nakamura.

It's been a while, huh?

Yeah, approximately
five years ago.

At the courthouse when
your dad made me give you

a character reference.

When customs caught you

with that baby sea
turtle from Madagascar

in your luggage
in a bread bag.

Yeah, I held a funeral for it.

Listen, we need to
discuss our options

to fill the
General Foreman position

now that Danny has departed.

[Jenn mimicking snoring]

I'm pretty sure that the board
gave you that responsibility.

And I, I really
hope for your sake,

you find somebody really good

because things are not so
hot around here, are they?

You got the safety infractions

and workplace injuries
of a Japanese game show.

No offence.

You think that has anything
to do with the recent influx

of permittees
being brought in?

That was reckless.

[whispers] That was a
deficiency of leadership.

The permittees are under
union supervision, no?

[whispers] Fill the position.

Jenn, you gotta get
the Botox topped up.

Just 5 cc's,
that's all it takes.

f*ck off, Chelsea.

Yes, hello, Chelsea.

Mom, good, yes.

Ghost protocol, Homer.

There ya go.

Oh.

You know what?

No medicine for me today.

Well, then more for me today.

I thought you'd be tearing
up the lanes by now.

What are you doing
moping around?

I'm not moping.

I'm sorting some sh*t out.

What does that mean?

It means I'm all right.

But I'm not all right.

Make sense?

Makes sense.

I know you're not on the list.

I got eyes and
ears everywhere.

Jimi told me.

But you remember, it was him
that let you redo the test.

Yeah, how could I forget?

Yeah. And when you got in,

you put on that belt,

and you walked right into the
lion's den with no fear at all.

You get that fearlessness
from your mother.

Oh, Dad.

Ah. [chuckles]

Guess how many guys have
asked me out since the breakup.

Four-
- Teen.

Fourteen at least.
- Fourteen? Nice

[woman].
Hey Chelsea, you're up.

[Chelsea].
I'm coming. I'm coming.

So...

I'm gonna be single
for a hot minute.

Okay.

[bowlers cheering]

So how long have
you been into pot?

A couple weeks.

Oh really?

So you're new, okay.

Beer?
- Thanks.

You know, I remember those
camps being like prison.

You must be glad
to see some women.

Mm-hmm.
- Uh huh. [laughs]

How many times did you
have to sh*t in the woods?

Twice. Both emergencies.

Good boy.

Reggie did it by choice.

What? Why would he?

Well, I just kept my head down,
and worked as much as I could,

tried to save my money.

It's so f*cked that some
guys only break even.

I know, right?

It's those direct
flights to Vegas

that put a hole
in your wallet.

[Stryker] Grrr!
- [girl] Hey, get off the hair!

Ouch!

Stryker! Leave her alone.

Your shoe's untied man.
- Oh.

What's that behind your ear?

Check that out.

[Stryker].
Oh. Thanks, man.

My old magic trick.

I'm still hoping to show
that to my grandkids someday.

Hey, I still gotta teach
you the floating $5 bill.

But that's my dollar.

[heartwarming music]

[muffled cheering]
[heartwarming music continues]

[muffled chattering]
[heartwarming music continues]

Hey! Employees only, dipshit!

[Taser laughing]

That's gonna be a tough spare.

[Dewey].
No talking!

Todd, glad you came.

Hey. So now that,
uh, Danny's gone,

assuming you're looking for
a capable General Foreman.

Yes, I think it should go
to someone that deserves it.

What about... me?

You gonna pull another
Houdini on me?

Look, about that.

I'm really sorry.

Sorry you wish you
hadn't done it that way,

or sorry you want me to forget
everything and give you the job?

Both?

[chuckles] I like
your honesty, Todd.

And I'm relieved you
want to come back,

but there's a catch.

You've gotta convince
everyone else.

[man 1].
f*ck you, Todd.

You've been the butt of
a lot of jokes lately.

[man 2].
What the f*ck are
you doing here?

[Todd].
I've heard.

So I get the crew's
blessing, and I'm in?

Hang on.

You understand that you're
gonna need to pick your crew,

decide the schedule,
increase morale.

I can do the job,

but I ain't wearing
a white bucket.

Deal.

Hooyah!

I'm your night guy, Toddler.

Now you know I've
levelled up in life.

Look, you make me foreman,

I'm not gonna be touching
any of the tools!

It's a win-win!

Absolutely not.

What if I beat you in bowling?

[chuckles] Seriously?

I'll tell everybody
I choked on your nut!

f*ck off, man.

Fine. We'll bowl for it.

But I ain't the GF yet.

You are the man, Todd Tickle.
You are the man!

Okay. Here we go.

[Homer].
Mission update.

I've secured some new intel.

Todd thinks he's got the
GF position on lockdown.

[Dewey].
Good shot.

What a c*ck dopestick.

[cheering]

[Dewey].
It is a Turkey!

It is a Turkey for Dewey.

It is a Turkey
for the Dew-dah.

Should I just start filling
out the paperwork right now?

You stepped over the line.

And keep your voice
down about that sh*t.

[Homer fake yawning]

Homer, seriously?

Fine.
- What sh*t?

What dingle-f*ck
is referring to

is me trying to
become the new GF.

We're not interested in
being your sloppy seconds, bro.

Hey, it took me leaving
to appreciate what I had.

I wanna make things right.

Okay, you can start by
taking your turn.

f*ck, man.

Are you the centre of
the universe or what?

Look who's talkin'.

Thank you, Tase.

Shut up.

Nice try. You missed.

[man].
f*ck you!

Should have known
that was coming.

[everyone booing]

f*ck you, Todd!

Stop it!

[everyone booing]

[Steph].
Okay, Stryker,
let's finish you up.

You look good, son.

When we get home,
we'll play w*r.

Mm-hmm.

So you guys sticking around

or are ya heading back
to a Brokeback Pipeline?

Actually, you must have
felt right at home.

[Backwoods].
Did a bit.

It wasn't bad.
Air was clean.

Food was decent.

It was only on payday,
didn't really feel worth it.

I was excited to see
the young lad here.

Missed ya, son.

Yeah, I was really sad
to see you guys leave.

I needed you dudes.

You know what?

You guys really
f*cked me over good

when you bailed.

Effed me over.

Sorry, kid.

[Backwoods].
Oh, don't worry
about it, Stephi.

He knows the word f*ck.

You know all kinds of words,
don't you, boy?

What's another one?

c*cksucker.

Good boy.

Okay.

Yeah, sorry about that, Stephi.

You know, skipping out on ya,
but don't hold it against me.

And for the love of God,
don't hold it against him.

That man's got Imperial Valley
running through his veins.

Oh yeah? We'll see.

We will.

Stryker!
- f*ck.

[Backwoods].
Want the belt, boy?

Told ya how many times
it's all right to steal.

Just never get caught.

[bowlers cheering]

Holy sh*t, Medhi!

You're good!

For a time I was
ranked nationally.

Huh!

Are you sanding
your ball, Dewey?

Really? This is a
family event, man.

It's big stakes, Tase.

Big stakes.

I rip a few more strikes,

I'm gonna be the
night foreman.

How the f*ck do you figure?

Todd said so!

Oh, he did, did he?

I gotta be on nights, Tase.

I want to see him.

And a promise is a promise.

[man].
Are you still here?

f*ck you, ya sh*t!

Any progress?

They're making me earn it.

They want me back about
as much as a cold sore

on Valentine's Day.

[Homer].
Ground squirrel, come in.

Spread the word.

Do not let Todd beg, bribe
or share a drink with you.

Why?
- Holy Bob Lazar!

What are you doing here?
You left your station.

My talents are better
suited for the field.

I blend in better than you.

If I get caught,
I'll say they touched me.

I like the initiative.

You're gonna climb
the ranks fast.

Okay.

Uh, this is all yours.

It was like that
when I got here.

Whoever did it,
it's pretty good.

Hand it over.

[Jane sighing]

Looks like Stephi's
got a couple cavities.

And she forgot to shave.

Hey, cut that out, you two.

You know this freak?

Yeah. This is Uncle Dale-doe.

Jane, I paid you $10 to
never say that name again.

Nice one.

Sorry, boss.
Ignore this little munchkin.

This is my sister's kid.

[soft rock music]

♪ As long as I breath ♪

That's your sister?

I thought she lived in Japan.

[Dewey].
Do not bring that up.

Oh wow. This is...

this is nice.

Hi.
- Yo.

Daina.
- Toad.

Todd. Todd.
- Okay.

You seeing this?
- Sure am.

Dale-doe the rat is trying to
bribe Todd into a promotion.

[Daina].
Are you teaching my daughter
the Sharpie special?

And it appears he's pawning
off his mail-order bride.

Is this your artwork?

[Todd].
They needed a makeover.

[Daina].
It's very pretty.

It's, uh, not finished yet.

Okay, so we're gonna go bowl.

Okay.

It's nice to meet you, Toad.

Todd.

Okay.

f*ck. f*ck!

So, here's her number.
- Wow.

She likes daffodils
and bourbon.

What are you,
her brother or pimp?

Ow! My wrist!

It hurts!

[Todd].
What the f*ck?

You made of glass or what?

I barely touched you.
It was like that.

Why?! It hurts!

That hurts?

[Dewey].
Yes, it hurts!
Yes, it hurts!

Hi.

Well, since you've been gone,

there's been a
significant decline

in both sass and sarcasm.

So you miss me?

[phone vibrating]

Sorry, um...

Look, I didn't make the
decision for myself.

I made it for both of us.

I'm your boss and you agreed
that it was inappropriate.

I mean, what if I was a man?
That'd be a headline.

Yeah.

Just don't stay away
because of what happened.

I won't.

I'm punching in on Monday.

Great! And you're good?

I've just been living,
you know.

Nothing too crazy.

Some guys do way crazier
sh*t on the weekends

and show up on Monday.

Oh yeah. The trades.

The only profession where
you can get outta jail

and be back on the job
site the very next day.

Please stay outta jail.

[phone vibrating]

Sorry, I gotta take this.

It's a work number
twice in a row.

Something's up.

Yeah, I get it.
Work first.

[Dewey].
I don't know Todd,

you're so far ahead
and now I'm wounded.

[Dewey grunting]

How the f*ck did
that hurt you?

Todd, your hands
are a lot stronger

now that you work pipeline.

My God, I know I heard
something crack.

I know right well, I did.

So what, you can't bowl now?

Well, let me think.

I mean, rules of this
establishment state

that if the player
sustains an injury,

then that player can then select
someone else to bowl for him.

Bullshit. That
sounds so made up.

But I don't care.

Who do you choose?

Medhi!

You rang?

I'm selecting you
to bowl for me.

Best decision you ever made.

Well, that's not fair.

He's a hundred times
better than you.

Ah, that's a
conservative estimate.

But I do not make the rules,
but I follow them.

Yeah! All right!

Let's go b*tches!

[upbeat music]

[bowlers cheering]

[upbeat music continues]

[bowlers cheering]

[Medhi].
There you go, Dewey.

You're eleven points ahead,

because of the Mumbai Mamba.

[cheering]

Yes, I lo-lo-lo-love me
some mum-mum-mum-Mumbai!

Nice shot.

Yep.

Not bad, Medhi, not bad.

[soft suspenseful rock music]

[crowd jeering]

Yes!

[Backwoods].
It was an act of Todd!

[Steph].
Uh-oh, Dewey.

If that pin falls
Hot Toddy wins.

[Dewey].
Oh, man, you suck!

Weren't you just
asking me for a job?

You'll clean up that spare.

Please miss, please miss,
please miss.

For the love of God,
help me for once.

So you think you're the
big boss man now, huh?

[woman].
Come on, Homer.

That's not up to me.

That's up to you guys.

And I know there's been some
changes since I've been gone.

Left us. Since you left us.

[Homer].
Yeah, damn straight.

I needed to get away
from this place.

Why? This place is your home.

[Backwoods].
Look, I told him-

Backwoods.

What kind of man
leaves his family?

[Backwoods].
Says the father of the year.

I know I was f*ck' divorced.
Whatever.

Tase, I'm trying.

Oh Todd, you're up.
You're gonna lose your turn.

I'm goin'.

You know, Todd,
I wanted to say, uh,

thanks for, uh, getting
me back into rehab.

Of course.

[chuckles] I learned a lot of
lessons in there, you know?

Like, uh, sometimes
when people need to atone,

they provide a grand gesture.

Something to think about.

[crowd chattering]

[soft rhythmic rock music]

[crowd jeering]

[Dewey].
Yes! I'm on nights!

I'm the night foreman!

I'm going to the
dark side, Todd!

Thank you.

Yes! Thank you!
- Faker!

How's the f*ck' hand?

Oh it's, that's mostly
adrenaline right there.

[Chelsea].
Sorry, everyone.

We have a 9-1-1.

The Stripper Tower
just went down.

Oh, sh*t.

Cause is unknown.

We're adding a night shift
today to sort it out.

[man].
f*ck that.

I guess the new General
Foreman better pick his crew.

Right, everybody?

Right.

You got it.

Yeah, he's okay.

Yeah, he is.

[cheering]

Well, f*ck, I accept.

[cheering]

I'm gonna need a
capable carpenter.

Backwoods?

Night shift?

[Steph].
Easy there.

Ah! Double overtime
for the boys!

And your night foreman?

I'm out.

I'm not built for nights
and I'm 15 beers in.

Okay, Tase,
you're my day man.

Anyone else here
not inebriated.

Me! Todd, me.

Anyone?

Todd, we talked about this.

Anybody else?

Am I invisible?

Todd, I know you see me.

[Homer].
Whoa. No fair!

Dewey's trying to bribe
Todd with a sex worker.

Right there!

[confused exclamations]

You brought a sex worker
to a family function?

You get points.

She's my sister, man.

Wait, your sister's
a sex worker?

I would not have guessed that.

I'm a teacher.

[Backwoods].
Hot teacher.

[Homer].
Where were you on that
one, ground squirrel?

Looks like Billy
got your message.

[Audrey].
A curb. Whoa.

[Todd].
Yeah.

[Audrey].
That was a great family day.

[Todd].
It was okay.

[Audrey].
Thank you for coming.

[Todd].
Anything for you, Auds.

Oh, I almost beat
you guys home.

Did you guys send me jump
that curb back there?

I got like three inches.

Dewey, you have to
stay off the sidewalks.

Baby carriages have
the right of way.

They heard me coming.

Alright, you guys need
to get ready for nights.

You know, night
shift is cursed.

Todd, what's he talking about?

Opsferatu.

Shut up, Dewey.
Stop being weird.

Tonight I find out if
the curse is for real.

[Billy].
Howdy, neighbours.

[bottles clinking]

[Billy blowing his nose]

Billy, what the f*ck?

Are the Nelsons
cool with this?

Who the f*ck are the Nelsons?

And this is the guy that
has you dickmatized.

All right, what do
I need for night?

Sunscreen?

No.

Sunglasses?

No.

Garlic spread.

What the f*ck is that for?

Opsferatu.

[chittering]

Holy f*ck.

Audrey, we have a visitor!

Hey, buddy.

Where the f*ck have you been?

[gasping] Snaxi!

You came back!

[Snax chittering]

Woooooo!

Yeah!

Snaxi!

I'm gonna get so f*cking high
and we're gonna catch up.

I want you to tell
me everything!

Where have you been?

Where have you been?

Did you miss us?

["You're A Superstar"
by Love Inc.]

That's how it's done.

This is how it's done.

Open it with the thing.
- Yeah.

And here we go.

Wrong.

[upbeat music continues]

♪ Think of all the
friends you've made ♪

I need to know what you found
out when you were in the joint.

Oh, God! f*ck!

God! f*ck!

All right, listen, listen!

Oh! [coughs]

♪ Is what you wanna be ♪

♪ So don't be someone else
when you be the best so easily

♪ If you try, and believe,

♪ My baby you'll succeed ♪

[Billy farting]

[Billy urinating]

♪ And your eyes
will make you see

♪ So reach for the sky! ♪

♪ For tonight and every night ♪

♪ Think of all the
friends you've made

♪ Like any other night you've
got your name in lights

♪ You're a superstar ♪

♪ You're a superstar ♪

[screaming]