02x01 - Oso Palestino (the Palestinian Bear)

[bunniefuu]

[mariachi music playing]

You know me.
This is the 12th time I've seen you.

I've seen your colleague six times.

Yeah. And this is like the 13th time
I have to ask, "Where's your passport?"

- I don't have a passport.
- Exactly. Next!

- No next! Espérame. Wait! Wait!
- Espérame?

Okay, look, I got an asylum hearing
coming up in Houston

that I've been waiting for for 22 years.

And if I get that asylum granted,
I can eventually get a passport.

Please, God, I've been begging
for the last six months,

after I was kidnapped
and brought to Mexico against my will.

And no one's willing to help me.

Right. Yeah, you were kidnapped
by the Olive Tree Cartel, it was, right?

No, no. Don't do that.

My lawyer said
if I can get a laissez-passer,

I can legally cross the border.

Maybe just come to terms with the fact
you're Mexican now.

Okay? Feliz cumpleaños.

All right, I'll tell you what.
If you give me a laissez-passer,

I'll donate to your vacation fund.

You want to go tubing in San Marcos?

Because I can't afford
more than San Marcos.

You want to bribe me?

Who said bribe?
Nobody said bribe. I didn't say bribe.

I did not... Put your hand down.
I didn't say bribe. I said donation.

Politicians take donations all the time.

[softly] I'm gonna need you to politely...

f*ck off.

["No Particular Place To Go"
by Chuck Berry playing]

♪ Riding along in my automobile ♪

♪ My baby beside me at the wheel ♪

♪ I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile ♪

♪ My curiosity runnin' wild ♪

♪ Cruisin' and playin' the radio ♪

♪ With no particular place to go... ♪

[man] Hey, Mo,
why you want to go back to America so bad?

I mean, here you have your own place,
your own business, a handsome best friend.

What are you talking about?
I live in a janitor's closet.

I'm juggling all these jobs.
And I got to dress like a luchador later.

- You're gonna fight a luchador?
- Who said fight? I'm gonna wrestle.

They're gonna f*ck you up.

[in Spanish] The Palestinian Bear!

- [both grunt]
- [audience cheers]

[in English] They're going to k*ll me.

Whoo!

[grunting]

- [Mo] Not the kidneys.
- [yells]

I may look festive, but...

[cries] I'm dead inside.

[groans]

[woman] Maria never teach you
how to make tortillas?

No. She's always been so busy.
But I got a good grip on it.

Oh sh*t!

[wrestler grunting]

[Mo] Didn't see that coming.

♪ My curiosity running wild ♪

[jingling]

♪ Riding along in my automobile... ♪

- [in Spanish] It's my grandma's recipe.
- [man] That's lovely.

- [woman] Excellent.
- [Mo] Thank you.

[in English] No one believes
I was kidnapped.

♪ I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile... ♪

- [wrestler grunts]
- [Mo groans]

Oh, so sweaty! Aw!

Man, that's my friend,
but I'm glad I bet against him.

Oh God! It's real. It hurts.

[man] Look, man,
I can get you to Houston by tomorrow.

I'll hook you up with these two coyotes
that owe me a favor.

Bro, I'm not doing the coyote thing.

Last time, I was on a motorcycle.
g*ns were involved. I almost died.

Has Maria called you yet?

- No. But she will when she's ready.
- No. He's too proud to call her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that Maria?

[Mo] Yeah.

[man] She makes me wanna go to America.

Could you please go there?

- You're being mad disrespectful.
- Sorry.

♪ Ridin' along in my calaboose... ♪

[in Spanish] Hi, Mo.

- [in English] Ms. Camila. Back again.
- I adore your special tacos.

I'm not depressed. That's overused.

- [car honking]
- [in Spanish] Okay, quiet down.

[sighs]

[in English] I'm sad.
Just really, really sad.

Borderline depressed.

["No Particular Place To Go" continues]

No. No. I don't wanna go!

- [wrestler grunts]
- [Mo groans]

I wanna be like you, free and untethered.

Go wherever I please.

Okay. Fine.

Walk away.

♪ With no particular place to go ♪

Everyone else has.

I don't know about
this embassy sh*t, Lizzie.

Every time I go there,
it's like starting from scratch.

[Lizzie] I know you're frustrated, Mo,

but the laissez-passer
is your only option.

There's got to be a better way!

There isn't. This is the process.

Process. Okay.

You know, my friend Fernando
has a line in through a coyote.

- Maybe it's worth the risk.
- No!

Absolutely not.
Do not do anything stupid like that.

If you get caught, it'll essentially k*ll
your entire asylum case. Okay?

Do you hear me? Trust the process, Mo.

The process. Is this your favorite word?
Is it the word of the day?

[in Arabic] Enough!
Listen to Lizzie's advice!

[Mo in English] Hey, Mama.

How you guys doing? I miss you.
Did you get the money I sent?

Yes, habibi, thank you. Thank you.

Besides missing you,
all is good. Alhamdulillah.

Busy at Buddy's farm, pressing oil.

And we have our hearing
next week, Hamoodi.

I know.

I'm gonna be there. Inshallah.

[Yusra] You're going to be there?

How? What are you going to do? Ya mama.

I don't know.
I'll figure it out. I love you.

I love you, habibi.

[shouts] Don't do anything stupid, Mo!
Nothing.

I'm sorry. What? I can't hear you.

It's getting really sketchy out here
with the signal.

[slow jazz music playing]

[man] Next!

Oh God! It's the Olive Tree Cartel.

Come on, man.
How many times I gotta tell you?

I was kidnapped with olive trees
by the cartel.

Yeah, that's great.
You're still not a citizen though, so...

I need to go home.

My family needs me.

And I need a laissez-passer.

Who does it look like I am?

I'm behind the counter, you understand?

I'm basically a glorified cashier
for the State Department.

Laissez-passers are not going
through guys like me.

What about him? Can he help me out?

Ambassador Lewis?
Yeah, he can do whatever he wants.

- Can I get a meeting with him?
- You want a meeting?

With the ambassador, a meeting?

All right, I know-- I know it's a big ask.

But if he just heard my story
for ten minutes,

I'm sure he'll understand.

Come on, man.

This means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah, it's my whole life.

I can't guarantee his office
will even put me through.

But if it gets you out of my life,
I'll call him.

I'll be gone. Literally.

- You know who else we should call?
- Hmm?

The head of the CIA.
Yeah, forget Russia. Putin can wait.

As long as you get home. [knocks]

That's what's priority number uno to me.

We should call an emergency
UN meeting right now.

Mohammed Najjar needs my help.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna make sure he gets home.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

- You see what I'm doing?
- Yes.

- [receiver clatters]
- I'm f*cking with you, man. Come on.

You don't f*cking get it. Okay?

I've been waiting to become a citizen
for over 22 f*cking years,

and all you needed to do was give me
a g*dd*mn laissez-passer, and you decided...

- Okay. Not my things, dude.
- f*cking as*h*le!

- Guys, get him out of here.
- That's all you needed to do.

[guard] That's enough. All right.

Real mature. I'm gonna do
somebody a favor who acts like a child?

- Laissez passer, that's all I needed.
- Okay.

- [Mo] f*ck you!
- f*ck you.

f*ck you
and your f*cking pedophile mustache.

Okay, he's strong for real.

[Mo] I have an asylum hearing to get to!

- They tell me to trust the process!
- So American.

[Mo] Don't trust the process.

[mariachi music playing]

[Fernando] Do you wanna make it
to your hearing?

[in Spanish] Don't be a b*tch.

[in English] Let me hook you up
with my coyotes. They're not like cartel.

They're a very small mom/pop,
you know, family-owned business.

I'm not gonna trust a guy
selling weed out of his cart.

What, are you working for the feds
or something?

- Hola, Camila. ¿Cómo estás?
- Bien.

I'm just saying you've been bouncing
around that embassy for months, bro.

You think anybody there
can actually help you?

- Help you with what?
- Nothing. Don't listen to him.

No, really. What?
I know people at the embassy.

Oh yeah? You know the ambassador?

- He's my husband.
- [cart rattles]

[in Spanish] Snagged a white dude.

Seriously?

Yes.

[in English] sh*t.

CLOSED

And I've been stuck in Mexico ever since.
That's why I sell falafel tacos.

I joined a mariachi band.

And I'm doing a little
lucha libre wrestling on the side.

That doesn't surprise me.

You're quite muscular.

That's true. I am.

Um, you don't think it's too much to ask

to connect me with your husband
for a little meeting?

[exclaims] Of course, you poor thing.

- Ah.
- You were essentially kidnapped.



Thank you.

Tell you what, Mohammed.

- Is it Mohammed, yes?
- Yes. Yeah.

- "Mo" being the short form?
- [chuckling] Yeah.

We're hosting a small party, Friday,
at our home,

for the Consul General of Monterrey.

Why don't you come?

- I'll introduce you.
- Really?

[sighs in relief]

I don't even know what to say.

I'll give you all my details.

- I can't promise you anything.
- Sure.

But I hope we can get you home
on time for your hearing.

Thank you so much for this. Really.

Uh, can I bring anything?

You're so sweet, but no.

- Although...
- What?

Why don't you bring that
lucha libre mask of yours?

- [laughs] Yeah.
- Just for a laugh.

Okay. Yeah. For a laugh.

Yes. Of course.

[Mo chuckles]

Oh!

[woman in Spanish]
I don't care about other men, Daniel.

I care about you.

That's why I'm telling you, Daniel,

I don't like you
putting pressure on me like that

with the famous wedding.

[suspenseful music playing on TV]

[woman on TV sniffles]

All right.

[indistinct conversation on TV]

[line ringing]

[Mo slurping]

[on voicemail] Hey, it's Maria.
You know what to do.

Hey.

Um, sitting here watching TV.

Having dinner.

Um, just want to say thank you
for setting me up with your tías.

I mean, Tía Rosa is so sweet.

Tía Luisa... [laughs]

She's very opinionated.

[chuckles]

Look, I know I said a lot of things
that I probably shouldn't have.

I was just having a lot of feelings.

And it's normal to have feelings.

I mean, if I didn't,
then I'd be a sociopath. [chuckles]

Uh, I'm not a-- I'm not a sociopath. I'm...

Because, you know,
I'm like anti-sociopath.

I'm just really tired.

I'm just really, really tired and, uh...

What I'm trying to say is--

- [automated voice] Message sent.
- [shouts] Son of a b*tch!

[man in Spanish] You know
what disappoints me, what makes me sad,

is when someone pretends
to be one way and isn't,

when they try hard to win over others
and then their mask falls off

and they turn out to be someone else.

[romantic music playing]

[kissing]

[Mo] Maria...

How beautiful you look!

[in Spanish] My princess!

- [in English] I've missed you!
- Then why did you abandon me?

Abandon you? I would never.

Do you think
you can just walk back into my life?

Love has made me such a fool.

I would be a fool
if I were ever to abandon you.

That is not the case, Maria.

I love you.

[in Spanish] My love.

[Mo gasps]

[in English] Why do you
scorn me so, Maria?

- [Yusra] Hamoodi!
- Mama!

Why did you leave us?

I didn't leave you, Mama!

Take the key and go home.

A key?

[Sameer] Hamoodi.

- Crystal?
- [Crystal meows]

Oh, Crystal, it's good to see you.

- A key!
- [Maria] Habibi!

[in Spanish] My love.

[exhales deeply]

[in English] You ruined everything.

[gasps]

[church bell tolling]

What's wrong, darling?

- Just thinking about a dream that I had.
- [metal clangs]

- [shrieks]
- Ay, are you okay?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a little pinch.

[sucks teeth]

- You know, I called Maria.
- Ay.

- And?
- What did she say?

Nothing. It went to voicemail.

Voicemail? How many rings
before it went to voicemail?

Two, I think.

Two? Ah! She's not gonna call you back.

Ay, Luisa!

[in Spanish] But it's true.

- [in English] Do you love her?
- Of course I love her.

If you really love Maria, give her this.

It was her grandmother's.

I can't take this.

He cannot take that.

Why not?

You're not ready to ask?

I don't think she wants me to ask.

Of course she doesn't want you to ask.

Not now, maybe.

[in Spanish] Let me know when.

[in English] But I have known Maria
since she was a girl.

And I know what I see in her eyes
when she sees you.

Disappointment.

[in Spanish] Shut up.

No, you shut up. It's true.

[in English] Now you know your heart now.

I know you will make things right
with Maria.

What if she says no?

Oh, she's gonna say no. Of course.

Either way, it is hers to keep.

- [Mo] Thanks.
- I'm so happy for you.

- Oh, thank you so much, Tía Rosa.
- [chuckling]

[in Spanish] Thank you very much for that.

- [in English] Maria's gonna be so happy.
- I don't think so.

- Why do you hate me so much?
- I don't.

I'm honest. I'm an honest person.

[Rosa] You? Honest person?

- [in Spanish] Always with the blah, blah.
- Oh, always what?

Leave the man alone. Let them be.

[bright music playing]

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

[inaudible conversation]

- [in Spanish] Hi, how are you?
- [man] Hi.

[in English] Coming through.

- Go right ahead, sir.
- Thank you.

[in Spanish] Hi, how are you?

[in English] Wow! It's so beautiful.

- Hola.
- Señor.

Mmm.

- [Mo] Oh!
- Excuse me. Mo!

- Llévese los tacos, porfa.
- Sí.

- Gracias.
- I am so happy you came!

Oh, thank you for having me, really.
I feel so underdressed.

Oh my God! You look amazing.

You look amazing.

- You just saved me.
- You're saving me.

I mean, thank you so much, really.
I can't thank you enough.

Oh no, I hate old people and small talk.

- So boring.
- Yeah.

You want anything to drink? Sit. Come on.

No, I'm good.
I don't really drink, but, um...

Well, there's champagne, wine, beer.

- No, I'm good. Um...
- Just a little bit of the champagne.

- No, I'll do-- I'll do, uh...
- No?

- Topo Chico con lemon.
- [woman] Sì, señor.

Ah.

- Poquito?
- No. I'm okay, really.

- Okay. I'll do this myself. [laughs]
- Thank you, though. [laughs]

- It's that kinda day, huh? [laughs]
- [mimics guzzling]

Kidding.

Mmm. You know,
I brought the lucha mask for a laugh.

[both chuckle]

I got my a*s kicked, by the way.

They said it was fake,
but they beat the sh*t out of you.

- Really?
- Yeah, they really do fight.

I love that you brought the mask.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs seductively]

I adore the texture of your beard.

- Excuse me?
- Your whiskers.

Oh!

- How do you keep them so supple?
- Yeah, I get that question all the time.

I have a fantastic beard routine.

Yeah. It's all to do with the oils
and combing process.

- Yeah.
- Can I touch it?

[nervously] Sure.

Sure. [chuckles nervously]

[Camila] Mmm.

- Yeah.
- Oh. Exquisite.

Okay.

Exquisite.

- You should be very proud.
- [chuckles]

- Don't worry. I'll introduce you in time.
- Okay.

What's it like
being in this political life like this?

- You know, not depressing, per se.
- Mm-hmm.

Though sometimes it does graze the border.

I'd say more... lonely.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it. I was talking to a stray dog
who wanted nothing to do with me.

I had snacks in my pocket.
He could care less.

- Looked at me and just said-- What?
- [gasps] What happened to your finger?

Nothing. It's from a tortilla press.
Just a little pinch.

- Let me put some cream on it.
- It's not necessary. It really--

Don't be silly. I insist. Follow me.

- Okay.
- [Camila] Now.

All right.

- [Camila] Not here.
- Oh.

Let me see.

[moans softly]

Uh...

Does that feel good?

[chuckling] I'm feeling something. Yeah.

- Um, shouldn't we get back there? To the--
- Can I confide in you?

Of course. Mm-hmm.

Promise me you won't laugh.

When I was a little girl, my mother
took me to see Lawrence of Arabia.

[Mo] Mm-hmm.

Know that scene where Peter O'Toole
gets caught by the Turks?

And they strip him down,

pinch his skin,

tied him up to a bench?

No, I don't. I think we should get back
to the ambassador.

Well, it left quite an impression on me,
and ever since, I always had these...

I guess you could call them fantasies.

- It's strictly role play, of course.
- Okay?

With me not being Lawrence, but...

someone similarly compromised.

[breathes deeply]

Ah, Wizard of Oz is a good movie.

- Yeah.
- It's wholesome, family-friendly.

- It's all about going home.
- "There's no place like home."

No place like home. Exactly.
And I need to get home.

That's the whole point of me coming here.
So you could help me get--

- Is this home?
- No. No, no, no.

N-- No. No. No.

[Camila moans]

Uh, listen...

[laughs nervously]

This... [clears throat] What the...

- Where is your mask?
- It's...

- You know, it's--
- [gasps joyfully]

I brought it, just like you asked,
but I didn't--

I love it.

- Would you put it on?
- [hesitating]

I... I can't do that with you. We gotta...

[growls playfully]

[both laugh]

Let's not. Your hair is so nice.
I mean, we gotta...

We gotta get back, you know.
We should definitely get back.

[man] Gather for the Ambassador's speech.

They just said speeches!

Be a good wife.
Go listen to your husband's speech.

- I hate speeches.
- Okay, uh...

- They're boring.
- Maybe this one will be good.

You have to walk out first.

[softly] f*ck!

[voice breaking]
They're gonna f*cking k*ll me.

- I will talk to him. Okay? I promise.
- Mm-hmm.

[man] Gracias, Ambassador.

- Buenas noches.
- [Camila] Mm-hmm. Buenas noches.

Hasta luego. Gracias.

- [man speaking Spanish]
- [woman] Gracias.

Would you take care of my friend?
He's so lovely.

Mo. How are you?

I'm well. Thank you so much for having me.

[Ambassador Lewis]
We're gonna fix this. Have a seat.

Uh, no. Not that one. This one.

It sounds like what you need
is a laissez-passer.

Yes. Exactly.

- It's not a problem.
- Are you serious?

If you can get me some
supporting affidavits by Monday morning,

I will have you at an Astros game
by Tuesday night.

Love the Astros.

And I think they do have a game
on Tuesday.

This was a real Hail Mary for me.
Thank you so much, Ambassador Lewis.

Well, it's really my wife
you should be thanking.

She's taken quite a shine to you.

Oh, she's, um... She's very kind.

[mutters indistinctly]

So you like her?

I mean, I like a lot of things.

I like tarneeb. It's an Arab card game.

- Yeah. I know it.
- I like Elvis.

I like bananas in pancakes.

I'm gonna be straight with you.

Most of my life,
I've been a very powerful man.

But that kind of power
dulls the senses in the, uh...

the less public aspects of my life.

It makes it so that
I tend to seek out moments

where I can discreetly lose control.

- You understand what I'm saying?
- No, I... I don't.

I want you to sleep with my wife.

- [Mo coughs]
- In your Palestinian Bear mask.

While I watch.

Come on.

Nothing has to happen between you and me.

All right?
I won't touch a hair on your head.

Ambassador, I'm...
I'm in a committed relationship.

At least committed to a relationship. So...

- Is she in the United States?
- Yes.

She will never know.

Um, so let me-- Let me just, for clarity.

You want me to, um...

[clicks tongue]

[inhales deeply]

canoodle your wife
or do you want me to noodle your wife?

I want you to have sex with her.

Look, that's not gonna be able to work.

All right?
I have real performance anxiety.

I dated a girl once. She had a dog.

He was staring at me,
I was staring at him.

He was like,
"What are you doing to Mommy?"

I was like, "I don't want to do this
while you're looking."

And then, it just went down.
And it just doesn't work.

Mo, take a breath.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's gonna be okay.

We're just gonna take it slow.

Okay look, if this is what it takes
to get me back to America,

then I'll call my friend Fernando
who will definitely do it.

Wait. I'm... I'm... I'm...

For sure he'll do it.

I'm sorry, do you think I'm asking you
to sleep with my wife

in exchange for the laissez-passer?

- Yes?
- Oh my God. No... No!

- No? [chuckles nervously]
- No, that is not it at all!

Yeah, okay, now I can see
how you would think that given the--

But no. Oh!

[laughs] Wow!

I am so sorry!

- [Mo] Oh man! [laughs]
- Ha!

- That is not the deal.
- No apologies needed.

- So I can still...
- Of course!

- Oh, and I don't have to...
- No. I mean, unless you want to.

- No, I don't. But I mean, she's gorgeous.
- He does not want. Okay!

- Know what? Forget I even brought it up.
- Brought up what?

- I don't even know what you're saying.
- Come on. Let's have a drink.

All right? A little, uh, mea culpa
for any discomfort I may have caused.

No problem. No, you know,
I normally don't drink, but, I mean...

Here's to your safe return.
And a peaceful end to the conflict.

What? Conflict?

Israel-Palestine.

- [scoffs]
- What?

Uh, nothing. Don't worry about it.

No, please. What is it?

Well, it's not really a conflict. Right?

Excuse me?

I... A conflict implies
there's two equal sides.

There are two sides.

Well, one side is occupying another,
so it's...

And the occupation,
if that's the word you insist on using,

is the basis of the conflict.

So you're for the occupation?

No. Wait. Do not put words in my mouth.

That is not what I said.

Then where's the conflict?

A conflict is
a protracted disagreement, yes?

Sure.

Is the situation
a protracted disagreement over land?

[Mo sighs]

Yes.

Well, all right, then.

To the end of the conflict.

And the occupation.

Goddammit. I am trying to use terms here
that we can both agree on.

You can't agree on occupation?

The term "conflict"
includes the occupation!

"Conflict" is used when you're like,
"I can't make lunch today."

"I have a conflict."

Not when there's
a military occupying power.

And you don't have the ba*ls to say it,
so fine. You know what?

Let's toast to peace. Come on.
Everybody loves peace.

Let's toast to peace. Come on.
Come on, please.

You know what? I got a toast for you.

Get the f*ck out of my house.

How's that for a toast?

Have fun spending
the rest of your life in Mexico.

Just take a deep breath. Let's start over.

I will call for the f*cking Marines,
so help me God.

- I didn't want to talk about it.
- [shouts] Get the f*ck out!

It's still not a conflict.

[softly] Sorry.

Oh, Ambassador?

Uh, your wife had this finger
all up in her mouth.

Little twirl. All.

And you didn't watch.

Prick.

[upbeat music playing]

So you couldn't just take a shot of mezcal
and f*ck the man's wife?

Am I supposed to sell out my people?

Yes. It wouldn't even be you
selling out your people.

It'd be the Palestinian Bear.

Call your coyote friends.

I only have two days
to make it to my asylum hearing.

I'm gonna do it.

[melancholic music playing]

[bird squawking]

[baby crying]

[in Spanish] Can I help you with the baby?

- No, no thank you.
- [in Spanish] I'm here for you.

[water rushing]

[coyote in Spanish] Let's go. Hurry, okay?

- [baby crying]
- [woman groaning]

[Mo grunts]

[indistinct chatter in Spanish]

[panting]

[breathing heavily]

Oh God!

Oh no!

No, no, no, no.

Oh no!

[g*n c*ck]

[man] Where are you going, friend?

["Immigrant" by Belly playing]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Look ♪

♪ This ain't a tan
My skin the same color as sand ♪

♪ From the motherland
Look down and see the world in my hands ♪

♪ Government bans
I'm just here to f*ck up the plans ♪

♪ Dance after dance
Just like the world's stuck in a trance ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ There's nothin' more priceless
Than bein' free ♪

♪ Immigrant, that's why they hate me
Just for bein' me ♪

♪ We ain't wanna leave overseas
We were under siege ♪

♪ Leave us in shallow graves
But still the love is deep ♪

♪ Bloodline royal, need our seat back ♪

♪ 40's in the foil
Had to boil where I sleep at ♪

♪ Tell you that they love you
That they loyal, they can keep that ♪

♪ They don't want the soil
Just the oil that's beneath that ♪

♪ Back to feed the people
f*ck your pity and your feedback ♪

♪ Racin' with time
It's gettin' hard to even keep track ♪

♪ They sold democracy for a discount ♪

♪ Nothing's addin' up
That's why I gotta make this sh*t count ♪

♪ When freedom comes
Better lock your door... ♪