01x04 - Terrible Writer/Useless Sex Doll

[bunniefuu]

[sighs]

You want to talk about it?

- No.

- Are you sure?

- Are you f*cking deaf?

I said I don't want to talk about it.

Okay? I don't want to talk about it.

- Barbara, f*ck that guy.

You're beautiful.

- I'm not. You heard him. I'm disgusting,

and I'm useless.

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.

I'm a monster.

- You're a monster?

Oh, God. No-- Ugh. Look at me.

- So you have a little cellulite,

like, whatever.

So much better than having

f*cking melty fingers and melty toes.

- I'm too ugly to be sexually harassed

by the agent who was fired

for sexual harassment.

- Okay, I just said that to make

you feel bad about yourself.

I'm sure, like,

he just respected you as a writer.

- No, I'm, like,

a f*cking terrible writer.

- No, I'm sure you're a great writer.

- No, I'm not. Trust me.

- Okay, well,

I'd rather be a terrible writer

than a useless sex doll.

- Barbara, you're being

so hard on yourself.

Like, why do you think I just spent

all that money to get you fixed?

- You were just trying

to save your own a*s.

- No, I wanted to keep you

'cause I f*cking like you, man.

- You do?

- Yeah.

We got to go

'cause, you know,

we still need to beat Dan home.

- We should go.

- Okay.

- Actually,

Cody, would you mind

if I just had a moment

to, like, compose myself?

- Sure, yeah.

- Alone?

- Okay.

Sure.

- Thanks, girl.

- g*dd*mn it.

- Okay, I'm ready!

-Okay, let's do it.

- Come on.

- [car door shuts]

- [sighs]

- Hey, phone

- [phone chimes]

- play "Doll Parts" by Hole.

- [phone chimes]

I am ♪

Doll eyes ♪

Doll mouth ♪

Doll legs ♪

- [Cody singing along]:

I am ♪

Doll arms ♪

Big veins, dog bait ♪

Yeah, they really want you ♪

They really want you ♪

They really do ♪

Yeah, they really want you ♪

They really want you, and I do, too ♪

I want to be ♪

The girl with the most cake ♪

I love him so much ♪

It just turns to hate ♪

I fake it so real ♪

I am beyond fake ♪

[laughs]

And someday ♪

You will ache like I ache ♪

Here we go!

And someday you will ache like I ache ♪

And someday ♪

You will ache like I ache ♪

Someday you will ache like I ache ♪

Someday ♪

You will ache like I ache. ♪

[gasps]

Oh, f*ck.

- Uh-oh.

Ow!

- DAN: Babe,

you okay?

I came home as soon as I got your text.

- What text?

- Uh, "911. Come home ASAP.

Emergency, hunk."

- Oh, you little sh*t.

- Oopsie.

- What's going on?

- Um

- What's wrong with you?

BARBARA:

She's crazy, Dan, I tried to tell her.

- So much.

DAN:

I have a sex doll.

You said it didn't bother you.

I asked you to respect my privacy,

that I didn't want you to look at it,

and you agreed to that.

You didn't have to,

but you agreed to that.

And now it's sitting in your f*cking car.

- Yeah.

- How can I ever trust you again?

- Uh, yeah, I know, I know,

and, um,

there's nothing I can say to fix this,

so I'm just gonna go inside,

and I'll grab my stuff,

and then I'm gonna leave you alone,

and I'm sorry,

I just needed to, like, see her.

- Why?

- Um

I don't know. [chuckles]

Um, 'cause I'm, like, a crazy psycho,

I guess.

Um, and I just, like, needed to know,

like, what you wanted or what I

And I looked and I broke her,

and then I, like,

googled a place to get her fixed,

and I thought I could beat you home, but,

like, subconsciously, obviously,

I wanted to get caught

because I texted you, so,

uh, I don't know.

I'm the worst, and I'm a psycho,

and I probably shouldn't be with you,

and I shouldn't be with anybody,

so I'll just leave,

and you guys will be, like,

great together. It'll be great.

- No, it-- Whoa. Hey

You went through all that trouble

to get it fixed?

- Yeah. Well, I broke her, so

- Hey.

That thing's just a masturbation tool.

I don't give a sh*t about it.

I care about you.

You're my baby, Bean.

You're the best girlfriend

in the whole world,

and I can never lose you.

- What are you doing?

- What I should've done

a long time ago.

["Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns"

by Mother Love Bone playing]

Chloe don't know better ♪

Chloe's just like me,

only beautiful ♪

- Dan, no.

No, no, no, you're just really confused.

You're really confused, and this is not

how this is supposed to go.

- No more lies.

- No more lies.

- Wait, Codes, don't go!

This is exactly what the patriarchy wants,

don't you get it?

- We could get chili from that one place.

- You can't eat chili.

It's got beans in it, and you're a bean.

- I'm a canni-bean!

- You guys sound like f*cking idiots!

This isn't over!