01x05 - Passive Protagonist

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR [on TV]:

longtime friend, Patty Palm,

22-year-old

Diana is missing.

[phone vibrating]

WOMAN [on TV]:

She was supposed to go to our house

on Tuesday morning to help my

son with the air conditioner,

and she didn't show up.

- Hello?

FEMALE ASSISTANT:

Hi, Cody,

I have Phil Goldman for you.

- Who?

- Phil Goldman, b*tch!

What's up? I'm your new agent.

Hey! I'm sorry.

I don't know if you've heard,

but Jason Levy

was recently #MeToo'd, so

he's no longer with the company.

- Oh. Oh, my God.

- Yeah, so it's me and you.

I'm your agent, you're my client.

What's up?

- Okay, that's a little weird

'cause I never even met Jason,

so [chuckles]

- No, I know.

Nobody's really met him.

Who cares?

Yeah, anyway, listen, sorry it's so late.

I've taken over his whole

roster, so I'm making my way

through the list,

and you're the last one on it.

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, uh, I'm sure it's alphabetical.

Yeah, or-or by talent.

[laughs] I'm kidding.

Who knows? Anyway

- Okay.

- Listen, we got a lot of shows

staffing right now,

and they're looking

for lady writers, yeah.

The problem is I don't have

a current sample from you,

so if you could sh**t something

over to me ASAP Rocky,

that'd be great.

- Um yeah.

Um, I'm just working on this,

uh, thing about the tooth fairy.

- Oh, the tooth fairy!

- Yeah

- I f*cking love that sh*t.

- Like, she's the tooth fairy,

but then she's also a stripper

because, you know, like,

dollar bills. [chuckles]

- Yeah!

Yeah, dollar bills,

I f*cking love that sh*t.

I love that. It's so good.

That's such originality. I mean,

it's probably 'cause you're

Dan Harmon's girlfriend.

That guy's such a f*cking genius.

- Yeah, he-he's super great.

- Yeah, he's super great.

Listen, if he's ever unhappy

with his current representation,

it would be my honor-- honor--

to take him on as a client,

you know what I mean?

- I will definitely let him know.

- Uh, yeah, please, let him know. Oh.

[line beeping]

f*ck me in the dickhole.

I got to take this right away, okay?

It's Jason Levy.

We're still kind of friends,

and I don't know,

I think he might hurt himself tonight,

if you know what I mean, k*ll himself.

I think he might commit suicide.

I'm gonna take this.

Just send me some of your writing sh*t,

and then I'm gonna check it out,

and, uh, we'll go from there,

all right, babe?

Buh-bye!

- Okay, bye.

♪

BARBARA:

Cody!

What you doing up there?

Are you working on your pilot?

So exciting!

Is it the one about the stripper

who's also the tooth fairy?

That's such a fun idea.

It's so broad, but, like, honestly,

Middle America loves

shitty broad stuff, but, like,

I love it.

- [clears throat]

- Are you stuck?

Maybe I can help.

- Hey. I don't want your help.

You're a f*cking d*ck.

- Is this about the whole

"trying to sabotage

your relationship with Dan" thing?

Because, Cody, I'm so sorry.

That was my bad.

I had so much internalized misogyny.

- Are you kidding?

You're obviously just trying

to get me to take you

out of the dumpster.

- What? No. No, seriously,

I love it down here.

I really do.

- Really?

- Yeah. Cody, actually,

I met someone.

His name's Harold.

He's a piece of wood.

What, babe?

[gasps] Okay, yeah,

he wants me to tell you

he identifies as lumber.

He's so hot, Cody.

He has this, like, knot

that's-that's so sexy in, like,

a Joaquin Phoenix sort of like

- Barbara.

- What?

- I'm so happy for both of you.

Congratulations.

I have to work.

- Wait!

I know why you're stuck!

It's because you have

a passive protagonist.

You know what I would do?

Okay, so hear me out,

we start with, like,

a cross-cutty montage,

the music kicks in, we're seeing stuff,

images, but none of it really

matters, because guess what?

Boom! We're in.

We're f*cking watching this show.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

BARBARA:

Intense close-ups,

just, like, for no reason,

but you're just watching it,

and you're in it.

- What if the guy has

that disease where, like

- Overlapping dialogue. They're

just talking over each other.

- She's not passive, she's reactive.

BARBARA:

Making the audience think

something is happening, but really,

nothing is happening,

but everything is happening.

- "You know I only take

baby teeth," but he's like,

"These are baby teeth,"

you know, so it's like,

he has the disease,

but it's also a metaphor

for his immaturity kind of, you know?

I mean, if you think

that's dumb, or, like,

if it feels forced

Barbara?

- BARBARA: Cody!

["Headbanger"

by King Tuff playing]

- Barbara!

♪

- [snoring]

- Dan.

Um

I think I'm getting a UTI

and I just feel gross,

so I'm just gonna sleep

at my house. I love you. Bye.

♪

BARBARA:

Cody!

- Barbara!

- Cody!

- Stop!

I'm sorry. Stop, stop, stop,

stop, stop. Oh, my gosh.

There's-there's been a mistake.

I didn't mean to throw her away.

- Oh, my God, Cody,

he was totally gonna r*pe me.

- What's up?

- [out of breath]:

This sex doll, she's-she's mine.

She got thrown away accidentally.

I just, I just need her back.

- Why are you so out of breath?

- How do you accidentally

throw away a sex doll?

- It-it was a mistake, sir.

People make mistakes, okay?

You were the one about to f*ck

a used sex doll. Are you okay?

- Excuse me?

I was gonna recycle her.

I'm not some pervert.

- Okay, okay, well, I mean,

I-I don't think we necessarily

need to, like, cast judgments

on other people's sexuality, like

BARBARA:

Okay, Cody, you're making it worse.

- Can I just, um,

give you some cash for her?

- I don't do this work for the money.

I do it because I give a f*ck

about the environment, man.

BARBARA [laughs]: Yeah, right.

- Oh, um, I'm sorry.

That's fair.

- Do you know how many dolphins

die each year from choking

on used sex dolls?

- No.

- Me, neither.

It's gonna be zero if I have

anything to say about it.

BARBARA: No, no, no, no!

Don't let him take me!

- Okay, sir. No, hey, hey. I

Please, I appreciate your position,

and I think what you're doing

is very noble, and, you know,

it's like a service to the community.

- Who cares?

- Barbara, can you let me handle this?

I really need her back.

She's my writing partner.

["Prank Calls"

by Kelley Stoltz playing]

- What even are all these water bottles?

- I don't know, man,

they're just, like, accumulated

from-from hikes and stuff.

- [scoffs]

From hikes? You don't hike.

GENE:

Oh, this is plenty.

Here.

- Thank you.

- Bye.

Have such a great night,

and thank you so much

for not raping me.

Cody, thank you for saving me.

You're truly such a great friend.

Okay, but just so we're clear,

we're just writing,

that's the whole thing.

- Yeah, no, totally. 100%.

But, like, we're not starting now, right?

Like, I don't know if you

noticed, I just went through

a very traumatic experience,

and, like, I need a second

to decompress.

- Okay. That's fine.

- So where are we going?

Are we gonna go stay at your place?

Oh, no, no, no ♪

- Yeah, I guess, I mean,

I can't take you back in there.

- Oh, yeah.

f*ck Dan. He can eat my a*s,

not in a hot way-- I hate him.

- Okay.

Let's go.

- Hey, so I told Harold

he could crash with us for a few

nights. I hope that's okay.

He's fighting with him mom.

He just needs a place to go

where he can, like, get his sh*t together

and get through this family stuff.

Some old lover who ♪

Ain't getting none ♪

[snoring]

Some old lover who ♪

Ain't getting none. ♪