01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

I am blue like the sea.

You are green like the grass.

- I am boring like this book.

- Smell my stinky arse.

'I accept all the colours

of the world into my heart.'

Oh God. If you're worried about

your kid being r*cist,

you should just buy them Don't Say The

*-word by Joy Cowley and call it a day.

- What's that?

- It's been recommended by quite a few people.

Oh. Straight people?

Well, we can adjust it.

Oh, what? Dad? Mum?

- Is that-?

- Do you wanna buy the book?

Yes, we do. Thank you. And maybe

we can sort out the gender roles at home.

Would make our lives a lot easier if you had

a wider, sort of more diverse range of books.

- Is that EFTPOS today?

- It is, yes. Thank you.

You seem to have a lot of

books about Spot, don't ya?

Spot Goes Shopping;

Spot Goes To Carnival.

Spot Joins a Conspiracy Forum

on Reddit.

- Spot is a classic.

- Spot's a simp, bruh.

OK, babe, do you wanna wait outside,

and I'll meet you there when I'm done?

- Do you want me to search something up for you?

- Hmm.

Well, I think what we're after

probably doesn't exist. So

- What are you after?

- Some more inclusive literature, for a start,

about all types of parents

would be good.

- I can tell my manager if you're actually serious.

- I am. Yeah.

Tell your manager. We want books not just about

mums and dads, but about everyone, like us, you know?

- Families come in all shapes and sizes.

- What's the deal with you two?

- And then she said we're 'friends'.

- No, that's not what I said.

I said we're best friends,

because we are.

- We're best friends.

- This is weird for you, isn't it? You're embarrassed by this.

No, I- that's- No, I'm not.

Hang on, hang on. Wasn't this guy

a kid? So it's like, who cares?

I care! I care because this one is, like,

closeting my authentic self to some bookstore virgin.

All right, well, first of all,

I don't think he was a virgin.

I reckon he's had sex at

least once, maybe twice.

- But secondly

- Weird to presume.

I just don't think that we need

to share our very private business

with every random person

that we meet.

I'm with you, Steph. Yeah. Nat, may

just need to calm down just a little bit.

- Wow. All of this on Pride Month. Unbelievable.

- It's not Pride Month.

Every month is Pride month

in this house.

Yes. You fly that flag, sister.

Wish I could blame my lack of

patience on being pregnant,

- but I honestly think it is just a horrible year group.

- Nah, well, you get that.

Hey, look, I just wanted to pop in and have

a quick chat with you about your mat leave.

Oh, sorry. No, hang on, wait.

It's pat leave.

- It's paternal leave now, isn't it?

- Um, I think it's just parental.

Oh. God,

all these crazy terms.

Like you said, anyone could be

a mat or a pat these days.

- Now, are you gonna take the 26 weeks?

- Oh, um,

- I don't really care.

- Oh, OK.

- Well, what's Steph gonna do?

- Oh, Steph? I think she's hellbent on staying home doing her

l*sbian Martha Stewart thing,

making her l*sbian casseroles.

OK, great. We're there today,

are we? That's nice.

Well, look, let's just

tease this out of it.

So Steph's gonna be at home with the

kids, and you're gonna be here being?

- Dad?

- Well, not necessarily.

What about working mum?

I mean, that makes sense. Yeah?

- I know about that now, actually.

- Oh my gosh.

What? I thought

this might happen.

- What?

- Your maternal instincts are kicking in.

- Oh, ew, yuck. No, shut up.

- Hey. No, it's nice. It looks good on you.

- It's nice to see you softening up.

- No. Listen, I know my lane, all right? I am Sporty Spice.

And occasionally, when I'm around a

group of white girls, I'm Scary Spice.

And I'm never a Posh Spice spitting

out babies in my high heels.

What would you do?

What, about your personal identity

crisis or your pat leave?

You know what?

- I think you need to go with those mothering instincts.

- Oh, shut up.

In fact, what I'm thinking about - I've

got a really nice pinny in a shade of fuchsia.

- It'll look really good. It'll bring out your eyes.

- Leave me alone.

- No, no, it will.

- f*ck up, Jenny.

- Might have to get some highlights!

- Shut up!

OK, so it is gonna be $661.12 per week,

and then we just add your salary to that.

Yeah. And you can work for up to 64

hours over the whole paid leave period.

- Why would I do that?

- Because you'll get more money, right?

Because the repayments

match your ordinary pay.

- How many forms do I have to fill out?

- I will fill out the forms.

Yep. Good. I just wanna make sure that we

get all the mum money we're entitled to, you know?

Aren't you entitled to more money

if you have triplets?

Oh my gosh,

that's such a good idea.

Imagine if one of you had twins. I

reckon they'd bend the rules for that.

- Well, we're not.

- We've had scans. No twins.

- Yeah, but you never know.

- One could be hiding.

Like, there'll be a baby; here's your

scan. And then one could just be like

Don't even say that? The thought

of it gives me full body shivers.

So who is going back to work

first? Out of the two of you?

- Nat.

- We haven't really discussed it yet.

Ohh. Uh, we've hit a speed bump.

- Here we go. Here we go.

- We have discussed it - heaps.

Yeah, I mean,

since the plan change.

I've been thinking

about it a little bit.

Have you?

- Like, really?

- Mm.

- Like, you're being serious?

- Yeah.

OK. Well, that's probably a conversation we

need to have in our bedroom with the door closed.

So should we just leave it for now?

- OK, come on! Just one more, OK?

- And then it'll be sorted, all right?

It'll work. It'll work, OK?

It'll settle it.

- No, no. No, no, no, no.

- We're not doing this.

Lily, we're not doing this. We are

not even entertaining this as an idea.

Heads - Steph goes

back to work first.

Tails - Nat does. All right?

Come on!

Whoop! OK.

- Oh, it's tails. So it's Nat.

- Oh, well, there we go. Great. It's sorted.

Hey, you said

the coin toss was stupid.

Nat, I thought that we both agreed

this was the plan that suits us best.

You get paid over the holidays; your work

is closer, so you can come home for lunch.

And you do steal all those really

cool things from that sports cupboard.

- Oh yeah, you stole me that moon hopper for my birthday.

- Why is this such a big deal?

Um, it is a big deal because

it affects me too.

Have you ever thought about the fact

that both of your kids could be total arseholes?

And then you both might

want to go back to work.

I just do not understand why you've

had this sudden, huge change of heart?

My maternal instincts

are blossoming.

Sorry? Your maternal instincts

are blossoming?

- Yeah, she's evolving like a Pokemon.

- Yeah!

Well, I thought that the plan was

that we play to our strengths.

So I'm on babies and home life, and

you're on kids and early morning soccer.

Yeah, but hang on, Steph, because

you're not the only one having a baby now,

so either of you could be

the one to bring home the bacon.

- And Steph does make more bacon.

- Mate. I'm making Spam from a can.

OK. Yeah. As I said before, this isn't

actually a group decision; it's an us decision.

So can we please stop

talking about it?

OK, fair enough. Hands up who

thinks Steph should go back to work first.

- I'm staying out of this one.

- Ooh.

- Really, Lily? - The ayes have it.

- Come on, it's democracy.

Babe, this can't be like the time

you said you wanted to do martial arts,

bought the crash mat, used it once,

then it went straight under the house.

I didn't like what martial arts

brought out in me, Steph.

Look, I am serious.

I am. I'm as serious about this

as I have been about anything.

OK, so, you're into the idea of going to a baby

sensory class and joining stay-at-home mum groups?

Well, not a mums group. Like, maybe a

dads group or like, butch mums group, you know?

Like, a sporty, butch mums group. Like, 'Come

on, let's sit around, talk about Black Ferns.'

Ugh. OK. Honestly, you two,

at this point,

I think you should just both go

back to work and get a nanny.

OK. I think you guys

are seriously underestimating

- my ability to rear children.

- I don't know. I've never seen you rear anything.

Johnny. I taught the school budgie

how to say, 'Leshgo'.

Now it goes, 'Leshgo! Leshgo!

Leshgo!' when you give it seeds.

That's pretty mean. Although, Nat, you do have

to admit, Steph is a lot better around the household.

I mean, she even cleans

my room sometimes.

- It's kind of creepy, but it's nice.

- Only the floors.

Yeah, but I could do it, right? I mean, I'm the

only one that knows the Wi-Fi password off by heart.

- You guys would be stuffed without that.

- I don't know.

I am actually having a bit of a change of

heart. Johnny does make a good point, you know?

Like, if you had to pick between a Nat dinner

and a Steph dinner, it'd be Steph dinner every time.

- Aww. I can cook.

- Ehh, you can barely manage a roast, babes.

You know what? I refute that!

I am just as good around the house, if

not better, than the three of you combined.

- OK. All right, then. Where do we keep the spare vacuum bags?

- Oh, that's a hard one.

- That's very hard. I think that's too hard.

- Yeah, I mean,

- that's a stupid question.

- No, I think this probably will solve this between you two. OK?

Picture this - you're at home.

There's two screaming babies.

There's stuff all over the floor,

but the vacuum bags are full.

- What are you gonna do?

- We'll find a vacuum bag, obviously. That's easy.

- From which cupboard?

- Mm.

Yeah! OK. We are doing this.

Pick your cupboard on the count of

three. Here we go.

One, two, three.

- Here they are.

- I found my passport!

- That's better!

- No, no.

- That doesn't count for anything!

- That doesn't count. You lost.

You lost. You straight up lost.

And Dad just keeps saying how it's not up to

men to decide how women manage their own careers.

- That's rich.

- Yeah, OK, Mum, please don't start on that.

You clearly want to complain about

him. That's why you've come over here.

Um, that's not actually why- - I don't

know why you come to me with all this stuff

if you're gonna be so sensitive

and emotional about it.

You know how I feel about it all.

What more do you want from me?

I guess now that I am gonna be a mum, I

can't help but want my own mum around a bit more.

Stephanie, you're making me

uncomfortable.

Look, if I had my time again, I never

would've had kids in the first place.

- Just complicates everything.

- Wow. Yeah. You really know how to make me feel so loved, Mum

- Oh, come on.

Obviously, yes, I love you.

I don't regret having you, but it was

all the mums groups and the playdates.

It was just so mindless.

You're in this gorgeous

l*sbian relationship.

Isn't the whole bonus of that

not to have kids?

- No, I've always wanted to have kids.

- I blame Mattel for that.

I tried not giving you Barbies, but you

kept getting given them as birthday presents.

Probably Barbie who turned me,

if I'm being honest.

Anyway, I can already sense people

at work eyeing up my desk.

Look, your father's never going to

not have space for you at the office.

But my two cents is - staying at home

with the babies all day drove me totally insane.

- I guess maybe I could

- go back part time.

Exactly.

- Now, has Malcolm giving you the parenting agreement?

- Yeah, he did.

But Johnny's like a brother to Nat,

so we both think it's probably overkill.

Oh, come on. You're stupider than you look

if you think Johnny won't want to be involved.

- Mum, he is family.

- He's Nat's ex-boyfriend, Stephanie.

There was obviously some kind of initial spark

there. You add pregnancy hormones to the mix

Who's to say that fire

won't be reignited?

OK, now you are the one

who's being stupid.

You've got to have an exit

strategy these days, love.

I'm on your side completely.

But if I were you, I'd want

to protect those babies,

and I certainly would not be

giving up a career like yours.

- Mmm, this is really nice.

- What's in it?

Blood orange tonic

and cucumber soda.

And gin.

Jesus Christ, Mum.

- Oh, come on. Live a little.

- Chin-chin.

See you, Mia. See you, Millie. Hey,

don't forget your togs tomorrow, all right?

We've got swimming sports.

Don't roll your eyes.

You love swimming.

You're part fish, remember?

- I am good at your lunches?

- Yeah.

- Mum makes the best sandwiches.

- I know that I do.

I don't care.

- I hate your lunches! Your sandwiches suck!

- Charlie.

Oi. Oi.

Peanut, stop hitting your sister.

I said stop that, please.

Hey, you- No, you give that back.

It's not your turn. You've had your

turn. Give it back, Pistachio.

Don't make me count-

Do not make me count to three.

One, two

You give that back, Pistachio. That is not

your Bop It. That is a Bop It that Mummy- Mama

Mama Mummy.

Two and a half

Mummy- Mum- Mum bought

that for both of you.

Two and three-quarters three.

Right, that's it.

Give me the Bop It.

Give it to me or you're

not getting ice cream.

Sh

Gotcha!

Oh!

Mm

Your determination to prove a

point is really paying off in my favour.

Oh. When you come home, you

have to say, 'Hi, honey, I'm home.'

And then I'm gonna bat

my eyelids like this.

Well, I'm not gonna do that.

- Oh, I think this might be my car, so I'll see you soon. Love you.

- Love you.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. Here's fine. Here's fine.

Jesus.

Nat! Nat!

Jesus Christ.

- She's right. She's just over here.

- What happened?

- I'm fine. Everything's fine.

- Oh my God. Are you OK? - Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Baby's fine.

- You're in shock.

No, I just wanted to see if this

blanket actually did anything.

Turns out it doesn't.

- OK, why is there a fire truck in our driveway?

- Look, just relax. It's OK.

It just, um

I

The oven caught fire.

What? What do you mean? What do

you mean? How does an oven catch on fire?

I fell asleep.

- You fell asleep?

- When I was cooking.

You fell asleep while you

were cooking a roast? OK.

- How long did you fall asleep for?

- 10, 20 minutes.

- 20 minutes?

- Mm.

- How high did you have the oven?

- Max, whatever that is - 250 or something, I don't know.

- Max, 250? You did a roast chicken with 250?

- I was gonna cook it faster.

I was gonna do it fast. Cos I- - We do

see this thing quite a bit, unfortunately.

Yeah, of course.

- Oh, babe, I'm just so glad you're OK.

- It's OK.

Really, really common with

pregnant women, actually.

- No offence.

- Well, baby brain and all that.

Yeah. Remember when that whole

house burned down? Family was fine.

His was the Le Creuset

Dutch oven, weirdly.

Well, see, I brought one straight

after that. I mean, what an endorsement.

Yeah. It might pay to leave one of

your partners to do the cooking,

especially with two pregnant women

in the house.

- We are actually together. Nat is my partner.

- Oh, cool.

And we're having babies

at the same time together.

- Well, it's a good excuse to get takeaways.

- Yeah.

- And we are lesbians.

- OK.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Thank you. We are over the moon.

Yeah. And did you also catch that

we're lesbians? We are lesbians.

Right. Well, we're

all done here, so

Thank you, officer.

We're clear now.

I've been working on our

'who are we?' speech.

But do you think that was, like,

a little bit much?

Yeah, I think it was, actually.

Yeah.

- Bloody lucky, Nat.

- Oh my God, you guys.

It says here you're supposed to

clean your oven every three months.

- Every three months?

- What? - What?

Who cleans their oven every

three months? That is wild.

I would say, like, once every couple

of years would be kind of, like, average.

- If that.

- See, it was a ticking time b*mb.

Could've happened to anyone.

- It was always pretty smoky.

- Yeah, I always thought that

- that smoke meant it was just burning stuff off.

- Same, like a barbecue.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I have left candles burning in this

house and forgotten about them, twice.

- You don't have to

- Once in our room and once in the living room.

I think I just have to accept the

fact that I am not a domestic goddess.

I mean, I

clearly pull off the look, but, um,

I just don't have the skills,

I don't think.

Well, I am so sorry

for freaking

out about the fire truck.

It was really unfair of me.

And I'm really sorry if I made you

feel like you had to prove anything.

If you want to stay home, then

of course we will make that work.

And you're gonna be

really amazing at it.

How was Shelley?

- Cold, disinterested and selfish.

- So

Mm, same old.

She did actually bring up the

parenting agreement with Johnny.

- I don't really wanna talk about that right now, if that's OK.

- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

- It's been a big day.

- Yeah.

I think I just had this idea

in my head of

how it was all gonna

look and feel, and

I just have to let that go.

It's not fair on you.

Wait,

are you saying I'm right?

Like, I was right? Is that

- Is that what I just heard?

- No, no, it's not, actually. I'm saying I'm right. But

there's possibility that

you might have been

just a little bit more right?

Mm.

I'll take it.

Wait here a sec.

- Here?

- Yep.

- One sec?

- Two secs.

One.

I ordered it from

the Women's Bookshop.

They're not both pregnant,

but they are both g*y.

So it's a start.

Yeah.

It would just help, you know, if literally

anyone had been through this before.

I know.

But maybe we are just gonna have

to write that book ourselves.

I mean, we will,

cos there's two white mums.

- It's wo white.

- Yeah, it's very white.

- I mean, you can't have it all, you know what I mean?

- It was the only one.

- Shall I read it to you?

- Yes.

'My Mummies.

'This is Sarah.'

It's really good.

'Sarah is very lucky.'

- Dinner's ready!

- C-Coming!

'She doesn't just have one mum.

'She has two.'

OK. Wow.

'Sarah is very happy.'

- Wow.

- Bon appetit.

'This is her family.'

- Keep going.

- I'm on the edge of my seat