02x13 - A Love Is Blind Contestant Is Secretly a Horse

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, not being able

to figure out a revolving
door, it's Zac Oyama!

I'm sorry.

A hovering retail
employee, it's Lisa Gilroy!

How's
everything fitting in here?

This fits perfect.
- Thank you.

And getting thrown out of a bar

at three o'clock in the
morning, it's Jacquis Neal!

I'm okay!

They're all here to...

Make! Some! Noise!

Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have a-never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Haven't seen it.
- Haven't seen it.

- I've seen a couple.
- Excuse me!

Whoa!

They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will take
home the coveted Golden Ear,

which definitely does not
have a little camera in it.

Players, are you ready to rumble?

Oh, yes, I am.

In our first, a little warm-up round,

an amuse-bouche, if you will.

Zac.
- Mm-hmm.

A monk shares the meaning of life

after 30 years of meditation.

Y'all
gotta shut the f*ck up.

Some of y'all are talking a lot.

Mm-hmm.

And uh, I'm just wondering
if you've heard yourself?

Because...




is what I'm hearing.

I don't wanna live with roommates anymore.

This is my two weeks' notice.

This is my two weeks.

I love it, Zac.

Honestly, if the monk told me
that the meaning of life was,

everybody's gotta shut the f*ck
up, I think I would buy it.

I think it's kinda true.

I think it's kinda true, yeah.

I think that's right.

But we should make some noise right now.

Let's say a transcendental amount

of points for you, Zachary.

Lisa.

Daddy.

No, no, no!

He explicitly asked me to call him that-

I did not!

It says right here, "Sam
= Daddy?" I don't know.

- Mine says "Daddy wealth."
- Mine says "Zaddy."

Yeah, mine says "Zaddy."

A YouTuber welcomes viewers
while losing a lot of blood.

What's up, y'all? Welcome to my channel.

So we're gonna be doing
absolute makeup tutorial

while I'm on my period.

And I bet you didn't didn't
see that coming, Sam.

Why am I the antagonist?

Women do this kinda stuff all the time.

I'm losing a lot of blood right now.

Well, I mean, succinct.

- Touche, right?
- Yeah, honestly.

I feel like I'm your antagonist
today, and that's fine.

So far you're jumping through-

But you didn't consider
that? Like, that point of view?

It's so crazy how you
didn't even consider it.

So many points for Lisa.

Just a wild amount of points.

This calculator is still going.

Jacquis.
- Hi, Zaddy.

How dare you?

A Macho Man screaming in a haunted house.

Okay.

Oh!

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-whoa-oh ♪

There's
nothing that can get me.

Oh! Baby, I feel good!

Oh, I feel the Holy Ghost in me! Oh!

And three beats'll do it. Well done!

I like it a lot.

Yeah, a toxic masculinity
of points for you.

Oh!

Bringing us back to Zachary.

Hi.

One of those "Sunday
Reset" videos on TikTok.

Uh, just important to note.

Just a little, tiny beanie sitting on top.

Frank Ocean playing. [mimics
cleaning spray squirting]

Yo.

One shirt, folded.

I'm single.

Vacuuming one spot,

that's what a Sunday's about.

I live in a studio apartment by myself,

and let's just say I'm on all the apps.

The sheer authenticity!

Right, like, I'm not like
your average 20-year-old

with roommates and stuff.
- Yeah.

I have a, you know, a calendar.

Yeah, I have a photo
collage above my couch.

Yeah, an adulting amount
of points for you.

Oh, thank you.

Lisa, um, I really
hope as the game moves on

that you and I can find
some common ground.

Oh, Sam!

You're literally my closest friend.

That's weird too.

A female-
- A female chimney...

A female chimney sweep
talks about making it

in a male-dominated profession.

Oh please,

can I shove my broom
up your chimney, Miss?

I know I'm only little girl
on the block doing this.

Some people say me t*ts are
too jumbo to fit up there,

but it's not true, Miss!

It's not true, Miss!

I'm starving as the rest of 'em, I am.

Don't let this big old
juicy booty fool ya!

I can get ups there with
the rest of me slags!

Please, Mum, oh please, I can!

I don't mind getting a
bit of soot on me face,

even though me got a bit
of blush on.

Don't be a hater. Please don't be sexist.

Send me up your chimney
all with the restes!

- It rhymed!
- Wow.

That was really great.

A chim chim-in-ey,

chim chim cher-oo amount
of points for you.

♪ Or blow me a kiss ♪

♪ Ooh, that's lucky too ♪

- Jacquis.
- Yes, sir.

A dog watches its owners do
the nasty for the first time.

A dog watches its owners do
the nasty for the first time.

Aw.

Good job, man.

I think this
dog is a little into it.

There was parts he liked
and parts he didn't like.

A traumatizing amount of
points for you, Jacquis.

Zac.
- Mm-hm.

Be warned: This hibachi
chef will pelt an egg at you.

Ey!

[Zac mimics ingredients
whooshing through air]

I'm
just kidding.

[Zac mimics egg slicing air
with fastball precision]

You signed the waiver.

Oh no, oh no.

Oh no!

Happy birthday.

He was scouted but never
actually made it to the MLB.

Yeah, let's say

a duck amount of points for you, Zac.

Oh.

- Jeez!
- Lisa.

A dramatic monologue
from Tennessee Williams'

Tony Award winning play,
"Teeny Tiny Little Poops."

I drowned those babies in the bathtub.

I was outta my head.

You think I wanted my babies gone?

I didn't know how to be a mother.

I took them into that tub. I
don't know what I was thinking.

I put their heads in my hands
and I pushed them underwater.

And only hours later,

when rising to the top was
their teeny little poops.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Did I realize they were gone?

I was outta my head! I thought
them poops were raisins!

I ate 'em!

Now my babies are gone

and my belly's full of teeny, tiny poops.

I'm sick

and I'm horny.

Thank you.

Wow.

I mean, I'm casting you

in the community theater
production for sure.

Yeah, an Obie Award winning
amount of points for you.

I haven't seen any play.

- Ever.
- Ever.

Now a peek behind the curtain
for those of you at home.

Hm.

Jacquis actually helped
write prompts for this season-

- Oh, I did.
- Of "Make Some Noise."

There were a few that I couldn't resist

feeding right back to you.

Oh my gosh. Okay.

And so this is one of those.

Samuel L. Jackson gets 10 years
older every time he curses.

Samuel L. Jackson gets 10 years
older every time he curses.

Excuse me, waitress!

I got a motherfuckin' bug in
my motherfuckin' drink.

Now, how I'm supposed to drink

this motherfuckin' drink

with this
motherfuckin' bug in it, huh?

Now, your a*s is gonna tell me somethin'.

- He's getting so small.
- Huh?

I got here on a plane with
motherfuckin' snakes!

I'm tired of these motherfuckin' snakes

on these motherfuckin'
planes, m*therf*cker!

on these motherfuckin'
planes, m*therf*cker!

Mother, oh, m*therf*cker!

And with the last one

he just evaporates into dust.

Your little feet were working
overtime behind that podium.

He was like...

Gosh, sick of all these
motherfuckin' points

I gotta give to you.

- g*dd*mn, I love it.
- Sick of it.

It's time for our first minigame.

This is a minigame we like to
call, Now That's What I Call.

The category is drugs.

- Mm.
- Okay.

How this works, players,

is I am going to give you
the name of a location.

You buzz in and tell me the nickname

for drugs in said location.

Make sense?
- Yeah.

Excellent. Your first location up.

An old folks' home.

Zachary.

I'm outta whippersnappers. You got any?

Whippersnappers. I like that.

Lisa.

Toothpaste!

I'm gonna say that
particular point goes to Zac.

- Cool, okay, all right.
- As we move on to number two.

Mario's Mushroom Kingdom.

Jacquis.

Anybody know where I can get
some buildings around here?

Yeah, I see it for sure.

Zachary.

Let's-a go!

- Let's go!
- Let's-a go!

Let's-a go!

I am going to say
that that particular one

goes to Zac as well.
- Okay.

Tearing into the lead, Zachary.

Daddy's favorite boy.

Zaddy has a favorite.
Zaddy has a favorite!

Next up, the year 2067.

Zac.

Got any flyntenium?

Transferred only through the mind.

It's a digital download.

Yeah, you kinda have to wait


Yeah, that's right. Unless
your connection's really slow.

Yeah, in the future, who knows?

Jacquis.

Do you have any heroin? It's
called the same thing here.

Why change a
classic? Why change a classic?

It's just gonna become a
marketing problem if we change it.

Lisa.

Please, requesting


Space bar, space bar, key one zero zero.

Zero, zero, power down. Power on.

CPU, mm, sniff, sniff.
Good, good, yum, yum, lick.

Mm, numb face, yum, ooh.

And that is gonna go to Lisa.

- Mm-hmm.
- I believe.

Daddy's new favorite.

Next up, Willy Wonka's
Chocolate Factory.

Jacquis.

♪ Oompa Loompa dippity-doo ♪

♪ Where can I find some blue goo ♪

That's pretty darn good,
Jacquis. I like that a lot.

Lisa.

Charlie, gimme some of that sh*t

that makes me jump outta bed

with your grandma and your
grandpa and your other grandpa!

It's true, we did jump out
of bed in a f*cking hurry.

- In a flash.
- Yeah.

Zac.

Violet's turning violet!
Could I turn violet, please?

Got any more of that violet?

Was it the Everlasting Gobstopper

that turned Violet violet?
- Ooh-ooh, that was.

Lisa.

Daddy, I want another pony tranquilizer.

Great contributions all around.

That point is also gonna go with Lisa.

- Oh, wow.
- Next up, Burning Man.

Lisa.

Hey man, can I get some breakfast?

Honestly, yeah.

Jacquis.

Yeah, man, only after I have some lunch.

I mean, when
it works, it works.

Do dinner, do dinner!

Do dinner, do dinner!

Zac.

What are you guys doing for dinner?

Well, I think we gotta
credit the source material

and say Lisa runs away with that one, too.

And last but certainly not
least, a veterinary office.

Lisa.

Daddy, I want another
pony tranquilizer. Callback.

And here's another one. Oompa Loompa.

And also breakfast, lunch, dinner.

That brings us to round two

where our players will now
test their talents in teams

of twos!

Zac!
- Yeah!

And Lisa.

A bride and groom thought
it would be romantic

to get married in front
of a loud waterfall.

I got my vows right here.

- Do I have mascara?
- Yeah!

- Do I have mascara?
- You do!

I wanted to say this to you

while we have a private
moment to ourselves.

Kay.

Lisa...

Ever since we met-
- Do I have mascara?

You definitely have
mascara. Do I have mascara?

- What?
- Do I have mascara?

- You f*cked who?
- I didn't...

I, I, uh, I think you misheard me.

What the hell, Brayson?

I'm not...

But I know you're
American and I'm Canadian,

but getting married right in
Niagara Falls was so stupid!

But I thought it was a great
intersection of our cultures!

This the wettest I've
been our whole relationship!

Say that again?

This is the wettest I've
been our whole relationship!

Oh! That's hurtful!

It's a mean sex joke!

And I'll cut you off there.

Thank you for the assist.
- Thank you.

Yeah, an absolutely
deafening amount of points

for both of you.
- Thank you.

Lisa and Jacquis.

Oh.

This Uber's perks are insane.

Going to the Hollywood Bowl?

Yes, and I'm sitting in the front.

Yeah, absolutely.

I got a massage seat right
in the front here for you.

Ooh! Oh my god!

And there's a little guy
sucking on my toes down here.

Oh yeah. That's Ronny.

Say, what's up, Ronny. Say hi.

- Hi, Ronny.
- Yeah, yeah!

Now, if you need some drugs,

I got some drugs in the back flaps.

You wanna listen to any music?
- Sure, yeah.

- I got Beyonce in the trunk.
- Oh my god.

- Oh, don't. She's alive.
- Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
she can sing for you.

And how do you trigger it?

♪ All my single ladies ♪

That did it!

You don't hear her?
♪ All the single ladies ♪

♪ All the single ladies ♪
- Wait, do you have gum?

Damn!

And I'll cut you off there!

Yeah, a little water amount
of points for the both of you.

Okay.

- Jacquis.
- Yes.

- And Zachary.
- Okay.

- Oh my goodness, all right.
- Okay, here we go.

Okay, Zac.

Morpheus tries to explain the Matrix,

but Neo doesn't get it.

- Neo.
- Huh?

The Matrix is a two-system party.

You take the red pill and you get it.

You take the blue pill and you don't.

You are stuck here in this
world, and it's all in your mind.

Will you accept these
terms and choose a pill?

Sorry, it's a, a two-party system?

Is that what I'm hearing?

I can see how this is confusing to you.

Is this how you normally explain it?

- Yes, this is how-
- What happens

if I have one or the other?

Well, if you have one,
you go down to the Matrix

and you see the world for what it is.

If you don't have the other-

What?

Did you write this down anywhere?

Could I just maybe read it?

I've done this 1,000 times,
Neo. I know what I'm doing.

Everybody else got it.

Okay, yeah. I'm listening.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- So if you take one pill-
- Uh-huh.

You go down the Matrix.

If you don't take the
other one, you don't.

What do you mean if I
don't take the other one?

What? Can you?
- What-

What happens if you take that pill?

Neo, are you The One or not?

I think, I don't know.
I guess, maybe I am.

Maybe you need to see Oracle.

Yeah, I would love to talk to the Oracle

if they have a better way of saying this.

I'm right here.

So the way it works is, you choose it

and then you see either
you're in Matrix and you're,

oh, you go, "Um, absolutely,"
and here's what I'm seeing

and that's why I'm saying
if you don't you won't.

You will not.

I will do this one.

- Not that one.
- Oh.

And I'll cut you off there!

There is a right choice
and a wrong choice.

- Hang on, guys.
- And you made the wrong one.

A revolution, no, a
resurrection amount of points.

- Oh!
- For all of you.

Zac.
- Mm-hmm?

- And Lisa.
- Okay.

A "Love Is Blind" contestant
is secretly a horse.

Hello? Thomas, are you in there.

Oh my god, morse code. Do it again.

Are you masturbating?
- Uh-huh.

Okay. Zip.

Are you a horse?

I think I'll cut you off there.

And that is a horse-
- It got so real.

It got so real.

It was a real relationship.

- That reversal was-
- It was great.

Pretty wild!

I don't know about points, but
a big carrot for both of you.

I want a sugar cube.

Lisa and Jacquis.

Yes.

A newswoman's kink

is keeping the weatherman out in a storm.

So yeah, as you can
see, there's a lot of, uh,

weather around here.

You know, there's rain, it's wind.

It is tearing through the town of Ottawa.

They're saying, "Be safe,"

and I'm gonna go do the
same, so back to you.

Just hold your horses there, Patrick.

Thank you so much for
reporting from the field.

We're seeing that a little
bit of hail is coming in.

Can you open up

just the tippy top of your
collar and let a little in?

Um...

Yeah, uh, yes, you know, I
will do this so, you know,

the people at home can
see just how painful this is

so you can stay in.

You can see the marks on my chest.

I would really love to go home.

Of course, Patrick, thank
you so much for reporting.

I think myself and the
people out there watching

are wondering, what's it, you
know, the cold kinda drops,

how's it kinda making the skin

of your n*pples feeling there?

Uh, well, uh, yeah.

I haven't really thought
about my n*pples much

because they're really frozen-

Can you feel your little toes, Patrick?

I do feel my little toes,
especially my pinkie toe.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's feeling really painful-

It's cold, huh? It's cold out there?

It's real cold, yes. It's very cold.

The rain is wet. It is cold.

I don't feel much of my body anymore.

You've been out there for hours,

and if you can't feel your body,

hey, come on back to studio and I will.

Uh, okay. Uh, yes.

Well, I'm a little bit
aways from the studio,

and I have a loving partner at home.

Oops, this just in. I told
the truck to leave without you.

You're gonna walk back in the storm.

Okay, yeah-

Hope your pants don't get wet, Patrick.

Hey, listen, uh, I'm married.

So am I, b*tch.

I will cut you off there!

I love that very subdued,

very professional performance, Lisa.

Yeah, a edging amount of points

for the both of you, let's say.

Last prompt of round two. Jacquis and Zac.

- Yes.
- Okay.

The person in the next stall
wants a series of favors.

Is that somebody's
feet I see next stall?

Uh, y-yeah.

Hey man, I'm outta the
stuff you put on the toilet

when you don't wanna sit your a*s on it.

You got some over there?
- The guard thing?

Yeah, yeah, man. I'm just
hovering over the seat, man.

It don't feel good.

You got somethin'? You got some of that?

Yeah, I can pass the thing down.

- Thank you so much.
- It's right here.

Thank you. Oh, I got it, I got it.

Thank you. Thank you!

Hey, I got another favor to ask of you.

Mm-hmm?

Would you mind coming over here

and massaging my neck while I poop?

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm constipated, man, and I need-

Sorry, massaging your
neck makes you poop?

That don't work for
you? Have you tried it?

I'll try it.

- You trying it right now?
- Oh!

Can you do a favor?
Can you take a video?

I'm not gonna take a video, man.

Oh wait, is there somebody else

in the stall in between us?

I hear someone massaging their neck too.

Oh!

Is that somebody? Is that feet I see?

I feel like they're-

I will cut this scene off
there with the callback!

A Port Authority worth of points for the-

- Port Authority?
- Let's say three of you.

That brings us to our second minigame.

This is a little game we like to call,

Who Are You Supposed to Be?

Basically, how it works, players,

you go fetch a costume
element or two or three,

race back to your podium, hit your buzzer,

and pitch me as if you're
someone at my door on Halloween

who you are supposed to be.

And we're being scored on
how many units it would sell?

And away you go.

We all move.

Move!

I'm done!

And Lisa.

I'm Sam Reich.

Zachary.

I'm just returning this.

It wasn't for me.

- Do you have a receipt?
- I don't. Is that, can I-

Ooh, sorry. I can give you store credit.

Oh, don't you dare.

I don't know if we have
to return it for real.

Tell me I get the imaginary money back!

Okay, okay! You get it, you get it!

Jacquis.

I am the Black person who
got cut out of "Midsommar."

Yes!

Jacquis, absolutely!

Zac.

I'm Gal Fieri.

The Gal Guy Fieri.

Gal Fieri.

Lisa.

I'm Sam Reich!

Oh, yeah!

And Zac.

I'm Thor as a naturalized citizen.

I have become an American citizen.

Oh, American Thor!

I passed my test!

- Congratulations, Thor, yeah!
- Thank you!

Jacquis.

I'm a white man.

What luscious locks!

Yes, yes!

Lisa.

I'm Sam Reich pretending to
be Lisa Gilroy for Halloween.

Oh, I'm a woman who does
comedy, but we have crabs!

How dare you!

This is what women look like to me!

How dare you!

Zac.

I'm a secret queen.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, what?

Don't tell.

Oh no, Lisa. Oh no.

Help, I'm Sam Reich's wife!

Help!

And that's a minigame!

Went exactly how you
wanted it to go, right?

Yeah!

That brings us to round three

where our players will now hold hands

and jump into the abyss together.

Would you like to hold my hand?

Psych!

- Zac.
- Mm-hmm?

- Lisa, Jacquis.
- Ah.

Christmas carolers who only
sing experimental originals.

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪

The idea is so f*cking crazy.

♪ Christmas ♪

Wait a second, we're
taking a tree from nature

and we're putting it inside?
♪ Christmas ♪

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪
- That's f*cked!

What? Jesus was born on December 25th?

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪
- No, he wasn't!

Ting, ting, ting. Am I
an elf or am I a child?

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪

An old man with a big bushy beard

comes to everyone's house in one night?

♪ The idea of Christmas ♪
- That's f*cking weird.

Except for the other days of December

where you let your child sit on his lap.

♪ The idea of ♪
- That'll be $40.

It's...

Certainly a partridge in a
pear tree for all three of you.

Thank you, Santa.

Daddy Santa.

Next up, an IKEA
furniture naming brainstorm.

All right, everybody.
All right, everybody.

All right, everybody.
All right, it's 2023.

We're in the second quarter.

We got a whole catalog to fill up.

Okay.

I got some ideas for a new ottoman.

Ready for it?
- Yes.

We're gonna call it Floomplampdoomp.

- Floomp!
- A Floomplampdoomp?

- Floomplampdoomp.
- Perfect, perfect.

I don't have a name for it yet,

but we have this sort of console

that you can hang a lot
of clothes in and stuff.

Right, right.

It feels like a Flerk, but
I don't know if that's like,

we've used that already.

- No, we haven't used Flerk.
- We haven't used Flerk.

But I have the lamp
series called Foeuck.

- Foeuck?
- Ooh!

Foeuck.

I got some other
ideas for a new product.

It looks like a plunger,
it works like a plunger,

but it's called Pööööööp.

I love how high it is.

Yeah, there's the little
umlauts over the O's.

Off the lamps, we
have these chandeliers.

I would love some help with that.

- Hm.
- Okay, all right.

- 'Cause it's a Shirp.
- Is it a Shoop?

- Do Shoop.
- A Shoop.

♪ Shoop-da-doop ♪

♪ Shoop-pa-doop ♪

♪ Doop-da-doop-da-doop-da-doop ♪

- Yeah, yeah, I like that.
- I think that can work.

I think that works.

I will cut that off once again

just before copyright
infringement strikes.

That is my sole duty
and purpose here today.

Uh, yeah, a Swedish
meatball amount of points

for the three of you.
- Hm.

Last prompt of our game.

- Oh my gosh.
- Oh no!

- Say it isn't so.
- Oh my gosh.

Say it isn't so, daddy!

Say it is not so, zaddy daddy.

A talkback with the cast and director

of Tennessee Williams'
"Teeny Tiny Little Poops."

Here today with the group
of people who have touched us,

who have inspired us, and have shown us

what creativity really is.

Let's give it up for the
cast of "Tiny Little Poops."

You know, I just wanna jump in and say

that normally as an actor,

I take inspiration from many things.

And just living in that
toilet for as long as I did,

I have to say it changed
me for the better.

Mm-hmm, and it's
crazy that our director,

Steven Spielguts, actually was asking us

to do real little poops in the tub.

So when I was in there, when you saw

and it looked like my bottoms were off

and my little butt was in there

and I was squirting out
little poops, I really was.

And I also wanna say,
a lot of people think

that we are not, you know, professionals,

and we fake it up there.

We ate all the poop.

Every poop that you saw us eat

digested into our stomach and came out

as food.
- As more poop.

Well, that's amazing.

I head about, you know, a scene
that was cut from the movie

that involved sort of a medium-sized poop,

and I was just curious...

Yeah, that shut down
production for at least a week.

I think I'll cut this off there!

Whatever this absolutely
off-the-rails thing is.

You called it "Teeny Tiny Little Poops."

- I know.
- You called it that, Sam.

It's all my fault.

A standing O amount of
points for the three of you.

That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner this eve..

Hmm!

Lisa Gilroy.

Lisa, you are the recipient

of a second Golden Ear.

- My daddy.
- Oh!

Thank you!

That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.

I am Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Good night.