02x05 - Mistaken Id-ED-ity

[bunniefuu]

[all] Whoa!

[theme music playing]

♪ Dig this
We're the last hope of the human race ♪

♪ Embark on a journey ♪

♪ Into outer space ♪

♪ Blast off, there's no going back
We're on our way ♪

♪ Dogs in Space! ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

♪ Dogs in Space! ♪

[whale sound]

[sighs] Well, that was a bust.

No, this is a bust. [chuckles]

And it's worth a fortune.

Talk about a successful mission, team.

I'd love to talk about
a successful mission Ed,

but the whole planet
was allergic to dogs. So...

Glass half full, Stella. Glass half full.

Ah!

[Chonies gasps] Cy-Bark?

Guys, it's Cy-Bark,
my old battle-mech. Let him in.

Let him in!. Lower the shields.

[console beeps]

He must have missed me.

And I gave him free will,
so I didn't even force him to miss me.

He must just like my personality.

Hey, buddy. Long time no--

-[grunts]
-[whimpers]

Get your metal hands off him.

There is a galaxy-wide bounty on his head.

I have come to collect.

[grunts]

Ow!

Chonies, I thought you said
you made him softer.

Only emotionally.

-[grunting, clamoring]
-Don't hurt him!

[laughing]

[laughing]

My boy!

My sweet boy! No!

Wait, wait. Chonies is the least-likely
one of us to have a bounty on him.

-Ooh, where do I rank?
-Third.

Fifth. Fourth.

-Second.
-[whimpers]

First.

So, I may know why this happened.

[all] Ed!

[groans] You're bounty-hunting now?

You said you were a pacifist.

This doesn't feel very pacifist-y.

[dramatic music plays]

Hey, help me.

I'm being dognapped.

[screams]

[whirring]

[grunts]

I thought we were friends.

I would never have given you
those sentient stickers if I knew you'd--

[gasps] Your stickers!

They've been scratched off!

-But that means...
-[Cy-Bark laughs]

Who are you?

Oh, you might not know me, but I know you.

Chonies.

[screams]

Look, when you're a thief,
you gotta cover your tracks, right?

Ed, what did you do?

What did you do?

Stolen by Chonies?

-I designed them myself.
-[grunts]

So you framed Chonies and not me?

Ugh! I want a cool reputation.

This is a new low, Ed.

Come on.

I gave Chonies a cool, bad boy image
he'd never get on his own.

-I didn't think--
-Exactly! You didn't think.

All you care about
is avoiding consequences.

And in the interest
of avoiding consequences for this snafu,

I know how we can find him.

[Mavis] My name is Mavis,

and I am the galaxy's most talented thief.

There's no tomb I can't raid.

No nest egg I can't pilfer.

No vault I can't crack.

But every single time I do it,

you've gotten there first.

Stolen by Chonies.

Stolen by Chonies.

Stolen by Chonies!

But today, I collect the bounty
on your head

to make up for
every treasure you've beat me to.

[laughs]

And with you gone,
I can steal from anywhere!

Finally be known across the galaxy
for my talent.

And the irony is, it's all thanks to you.

Thanks to me?

Look what I found
when I hijacked this bag of bolts.

You gave him sentience
with the stickers I was planning to steal.

Ma'am, you've got the wrong guy.

I've never stolen anything,
not even my owner's socks back on Earth.

And I really wanted those socks.

Your lies won't work on me, Chonies.

Your reputation precedes you.

The Dog of a Thousand Faces.
The Floppy-eared Honey Track.

But my ears aren't floppy, look!
Cartilage.

Save it for intergalactic prison.

We can sort this out. My friends
will find me and they'll tell you.

Then let's make sure they don't.

Cy-Bark, scan his body
for tracking devices.

-I don't have a tracking device.
-[beeps]

-[Cy-Bark] Tracking device located.
-Huh?

[laughs]

[zapping]

[laughing continues]

-[whirring]
-[grunts, sobs]

Garbage is not taking this well.

[grunts]

Have you seen this dog?
Have you seen this adorable little dog?

[beeping]

You've reactivated our microchips?

What's the big deal?
Our humans aren't using them, right?

But I need to know where you are.
For hoodwinking and schemes and such.

I think the big deal
is the invasion of privacy.

How would we find Chonies
if I hadn't invaded your privacy?

[rapid beeping]

[nervous chuckling]

Well, we know he's here somewhere.
Thanks to me.

So we're even, right?

No!

[crying]

[sniffles]

You k*lled him! You monster!

Why?

It's just a deer, friend.

He was a dear friend.

But also, so much more!

[crying continues]

Garbage, Chonies doesn't have antlers,
remember?

I'm starting to forget him already.

Oh, hello, shady alien saloon.

Bet we can get answers in there.

Ed, it doesn't look very safe.

Maybe not for rubes like you, Captain,

but these are my kinda... people.

Huh.

[sighs] Well,
that's G*ntrification for you, I guess.

Welcome to... [retches, slurps]

Table for five?

[beeping]

[deep voice] Testing, testing. One, two.

Testing, testing.

Don't worry, Cy-Bark.
I'm getting us out of here.

And then I'm gonna give Ed
a real talking to.

[beeping]

Hello, is this the intergalactic
sheriff's department?

I have something that may interest you.

No, I'm not the same person
who threatened to blow up the sun.

I'm just using a voice-disguiser too.

Come on, you can do it.

Well, it's not my fault that
voice-disguisers always sound the same...

Because the other setting's
not as menacing...

-Look, I'll show you.
-[beeps]

[high-pitched voice] You won't
take me seriously with this voice.

See. I can hear you laughing.

Ah, look.

[normal voice] I'm just saying that
I caught the notorious thief Chonies,

and I want the bounty.

Okay. Now break out.

[whirring]

No! Break out. Not into dance.

[powering down]

[gasps]

Looking for this?

[whimpers] Ah!

You think I didn't expect you
to try and break out, Chonies?

I gotta say though, applied science?
Not your usual MO.

Given your reputation, I was expecting
some kind of brilliant con.

-[whirring]
-[sighs]

You want me to be more like Ed, do ya?

Well, you got it.

Have you seen this dog?
Have you seen this adorable little dog?

Have you seen this dog?

Ooh, alien appetizers look so good!

-[smacking]
-Ah! Oh!

[chuckles] These are way too hot.

Also fizzy. Mayo works on them?

And they seem to be whispering
threats to me?

Eh, food is food.

[smacking]

Have you seen this adorable,
precious, sweet little dog?

He... he's... he's missing.

Maybe. What's it worth to ya?

Anything. Name your price.

Hmm. Your fur sure looks tasty.

Deal. Anyone in here got some clippers.

Okay. Let me handle negotiations, pal.

Tell us what you know,
and we'll tell you what it's worth.

Well, I saw this giant robot thing
carrying up--

Wait, do I know you?

Me? No.

Yeah, I do. You hijacked my cache
of stolen space rubies last year.

You're... you're...
What's his name? Garbage!

What? It wouldn't be fair on me
to just blame Chonie...

Service is kinda slow here,
and I'm getting kinda hungry.

[grunting]

Get off him! [grunts]

[groans] It burns! It fizzes!

Food you can eat and weaponize?

[chuckles] Five stars.

This way.

[panting]

Well, what a surprise, Ed.

Consequences of your actions
literally came back to bite you.

[stutters] That's a coincidence.

It was just one guy I happened to con.

[flushing]

[farting]

[beeps]

Wait, I know you.
You sold me fake hunting knives.

-You're Pepper!
-Actually, I'm Pepper.

[grunts]

[alien groans]

Gross.

Just one guy, huh?

[stutters] I know how to fix this.

Take responsibility?

-Shave my fur and trade it for Chonies?
-Nope.

Disguises.

[whirring]

Hey. So, out of curiosity,

how high is the bounty on my Ed,
I mean head?

Why are you talking like someone tried to
poison you but gave up halfway through?

What? No, this is my... true voice.

Uh-huh. Bounty's 800 diamond bars.

Only 800?

That's nothing compared to
the loot I stashed over the years.

Stashed? Did you say stashed?

Sold. I mean sold.

Where's the loot, Chonies?

Give me everything you beat me to,
or I will beat you to death!

You let me outta here, and I'll show you.

You can keep the whole lot... of loot.

You're not going anywhere.

Then I guess you'll just have to
make do with no proof

that you were ever talented enough
to steal the same treasures I did.

Ah, well...

Tell me where it is first.

If everything checks out, I'll let you go.

You promise?

Absolutely. Thieves honor.

[laughs]

This is less conspicuous. Really, Ed?

Captain, please. You know how many times

I've used this exact disguise
to get out of tricky situations?

Excuse me, Miss. Have you seen--

Wait, I know you.

You conned me out of
that weapons shipment. You're Nomi!

I think the answer would be
too many times, Ed.

Aw, you did frame me. Thanks, pal.

Hey, I know you.

You left my son at the altar. You're Loaf!

Ahh!

-[gasps]
-You stole an appetizer.

[clears throat]

Okay, so...

now that we have
everyone's full attention...

have any of you seen this dog?

You had the map all along, baby.

But, they're blank.

Invisible ink, duh.

But, Cy-Bark does have
a top-secret scanning function

that only I know how--

Tell me what to press, cartilage ears.

Okay, uh. Do you see a blue lever?

Ahh!

I didn't say touch it.

Hold down
the purple button beneath it and--

-There's a magenta and an indigo!
-No.

There's a pink and a purple.

Light purple or dark purple?

Dark purple!

-Ow!
-[glass shattering]

I admit. This might not have happened
if I hadn't conned these guys.

-You think?
-Well, duh!

-Oh, you figured that out, huh?
-That is incredibly obvious.

Okay, are you flicking the thumb-sensor,
tickling the pressure pad,

and tapping the button in five-eight time?

-This better be worth it, Chonies.
-[beeps]

Oh, it will be.
Now hit the button under the seat.

[beeps, blaring]

Self-destruct mode activated.
Clear the area.

Thirty seconds remaining.

What? Self destruct? No!

I'm afraid you're locked in.

Well, that's what
most of my instructions were.

Some were just for fun.

Get me out of here, Chonies!

Gee, I'd love to,
but I'm so trapped in here. Hmm.

-[groans] Fine.
-[beeps]

[whirring]

[beeping]

Ow!

Self-destruct deactivated.

[whirring]

So Mavis, wanna see what my friend here
can really do?

Whoa!

[sighs]

[groaning]

[growing]

[groaning]

-[gasps]
-Ed, please,

for the sake of a few bones
these guys haven't broken yet,

no more cons.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm gonna give them
the greatest con of all.

The truth.

[clears throat] Hey, guys.

Uh... I just wanna say sorry
for screwing you all over.

I didn't think about
what stealing your jewels,

your dreams of marital bliss,
your appetizer would mean to you.

I only thought about
avoiding consequences.

You could give it all back.

If I could, I would,
but I've long since sold everything.

k*ll him!

[growling]

[gasps]

Give back my sweet boy!

[gasps] Chonies!

Don't you ever worry me like that again.

You hear me? Ever!

If it means you're gonna hug me this much,

I am definitely gonna
worry you like this again.

[Ed] Sentient stickers. On the house.

But don't put them on the house.
Unless you want an alive house.

[crackling]

My free will has returned.

Chonies, you've liberated me again.

Don't worry, Cy-Bark. That just means...

you owe me a favor.

-Huh?
-What?

Is that supposed to be me?
Terrible impression.

Sorry, had to channel my inner Ed
to escape, so...

So, I saved you
by being charmingly deceitful.

Yes, but that's also
how you got me trapped.

I know. I'm sorry.

From now on,
I'm taking credit for my actions.

Shouldn't that be taking responsibility?

Eh, close enough. Let's not push our luck.

Well, well. If it ain't Chonies.

It ain't Chonies.

Nice try.
We know all about your reputation.

The most notorious thief in ten systems.

And now, the whole galaxy is gonna
see your face and know your name.

The whole galaxy? My face?

I mean, yes.

That's me, the most
notorious thief there is.

Finally.

-Just so you know, my real name is Mavi--
-[phone ringing]

-Hello.
-[indistinct talking on phone]

Uh, really?

-That one too, huh?
-Ahh!

Impressive. Sure, no problem.
Thanks for the tip.

-Ma'am, you're free to go.
-What? No!

Arrest me.

This guy, Ed, just called.
Turns out he is the real Chonies.

Gave us a lot of specific details
that only he would know.

Took all the credit.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, ma'am.
We thought you were a master thief!

[laughs] Our mistake.

[screams] No!

[ending theme music plays]