02x05 - Well Done

[bunniefuu]

Ah c'mon, dude!
you got one frickin' job.

Yo, Tam! I think the fridge
water thingy's busted.

The shower's not working either.

Ugh. You kidding me?

Wait, what.

Hmm...

Uh excuse me, Ma'am?
Our water's not working.

I know, I just shut it off.

Okay, well, you got, like, a...
ETA on when

it's gonna to be up
and running?

That depends on
when you pay your bill.

Uh-huh.

Mark? Did you forget
to pay the water bill?

Uh, no I did not forget
to pay the water bill.

I intentionally didn't pay it.

I'm sorry... What? Why?

Uh, because it's a scam?

A scam?
Providing water is a scam?

Big time, okay.

Last bill
I saw was like $27!

It's ridiculous!

Uh... I feel like 27 bucks

is pretty reasonable
for something essential

- like water.
- Are you kidding me?!

Wha - how are you gonna charge
for water?

It's like a natural human,
right?

What's next? Paying for air?

And so you just stopped paying?
That was your plan?

I mean I didn't think they'd
actually shut it off.

I'm pretty sure that's ill*gal
actually.

Uh. You're a real piece of work,
you know that?

Uh-- Tammy, I'm making
a stand here!

Someone's gotta stand up

to these corporate government
b- bureaucracies!

- Excuse me, ma'am?
- Yes?

Can I just pay the bill
right now

and you turn the water back on?

I'm not authorized to accept
payments.

Needs to go through
our billing department.

Ok, but can't you just like,
call them real quick?

The fastest way to pay
is through our online portal.

Once the outstanding balance is
paid, I'll return

within 5 to 7 business days
to restore service.



But you're literally here
right now.

Sorry. There's a whole protocol
I need to follow.

Can you back up, please?

There you go.
There it is right there, okay.

You see what I'm talking about?

We're dealing
with a soulless corporation.

There's a reason
they got waterworks

on a friggin' Monopoly board.

Well, we don't really
have a choice.

Actually, we do.

We are gonna to be getting
our own water. The classic way.

I'm digging a well.

Uh, no. You don't know the first
thing about digging a well.

Uh, it ain't
rocket science, Tam.

You dig a frickin' hole
until you hit water. Boom!

Ah, damnit!
Who put a sprinkler there?

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Hey Mark, you wanna to grill up
these dogs watch the Phils?

Not today,
Hank. We're digging a well.

Oh man.
That seems like a lot of work.

What are you talking about?
It's fun.

It's like uh,
digging a hole at the beach.

It's classic.

Oh. I do love digging holes
at the beach.

Right? Yeah. You wanna get in
on this, dude?

Uh... Okay.

Ahh. Yeah, there we go.

Man, this is no joke.

Ah you got this dude. I already
broke through the crust.

That's like the hardest part.

Now you just got to dig
the last 100ft or so.

- Oh. Okay.
- Alright you good?

I'm gonna go grab a drink.

Okay.

Oh come on! Hon, what
email did you use

to log in to the
water bill thing?

None of 'em are working.

Oh yeah, I used a fake one.

I think it was uh,
fartface@nothanks.poop

or somethin',
I don't know.

Why would you do that?

Uh, cause I'm not trying to get
a billion spam emails

- about not wasting water or--
- Come on, Mark.

How am I supposed
to pay the bill

if I can't even log into
the website?

Yeah well
we don't need to pay the bill.

- We're going off the grid.
- Enough.

I just want to pay the bill
and get on with it.

Wow. Look at you.

Just giving in
like all the other sheeple.

Sorry, but I'm not gonna bend
over and let 'em

bleed us dry with their
c*ck $2 "sewage fees"

A.K.A. funding their CEO's
private plane to Epstein Island.

So all of this is over a $2 fee?

No, Tammy, it's the principle.

They're ripping off all us hard
working people by charging us

for something
that should be free.

Oh yeah. 'Cause you're working
so hard these days.

Actually, thanks to UBI,

I got the time to stand up to
those greedy corporate b*stards.

Oh come on.
How many times I gotta do this?!

See, they know
they're the only game in town,

so they don't have to give
a crap about customer service.

Believe me, once I get this
well up and running,

we're not going to have to deal
with any of this nonsense.

Hon, do you have any idea how
hard it is to pump your

own water? You're going to give
up in two hours?

Pfft yeah, no chance.

I'm not stoppin' until we are
liberated from Big Water.

Mark, In 5 to 7 business days,

the water is gonna
to be running again,

and you'll be on to your
next charade.

Pffft! In five days,

we'll be drinking fresh
well water,

'cause I'm digging us
to freedom.

You mean Hank?

No, I loosen the lid!
Alright?

Dah...Oh right.
Damnit!

Hey, hun, if you get a
chance can you uh,

pick up some bottled water?

Ooh! Ooh.

Hoo, ridiculous. Thing costs
half the water bill.

The whole water industry's
a scam.

Yo how we doing, bud?

Oof, I don't know.
Pretty tired.

Oh yeah that's
'cause you're using your back.

Gotta bend the knees, okay?
The power's in your legs.

So how much further down
we gotta go?

Ah, it's just like at the beach.
We gotta go until we hit water.

Yeah. It's just uh... You know,
this dirt's harder than it looks

I think I might
be at the core or somethin'.

You're not at the core okay.

That's like... at least...
a 1000ft down.

You know, if you want to get
serious,

I got a guy who can hook you up

with an industrial-grade
auger drill. Okay, this thing

will get you to China faster
than the Concorde.

Nah. This is what it's all about

Outside on a beautiful day,
working with our hands,

all for a higher purpose.
Ain't that right, Hank?

Uh.... Yeaaah.
Lemme get that drill.

Thank you for calling the
Glanton County Water Company.

- Your call is important to us.
- Come on.

Did you know the Glanton
County Water Company

has been providing clean,

reliable water to South
Jersey residents since 1952?

We're proud of our decades-long

commitment to our community.
Yeah, yeah.

Thank you for calling the
Glanton County Water Company.

My name's Alex.
How may I help you today?

Oh! Finally a human.
Hey, Alex.

So earlier today,
my water got shut off,

and now I'm trying to pay
my bill on the portal,

but my husband misspelled

his email address,
so now I can't log in.

Oh, I'm
sorry to hear that, Tammy.

So you want to pay
your outstanding balance? Yes.

Thank you. My pleasure.

So, for all billing-related

issues, please
visit our new online portal at

- www.GCWC -
- No no, no no no, I tried that.

I can't log in.

That's what
I just tried to explain.

One moment please.

No no no no no! Alex!

Did you know that
by switching to Alex, our AI

- powered representative - Ugh!
- we've cut costs -

- Okay Hank. You ready?
- and passed the savings on -

Let's do it!

The hell, Mark?! Are you nuts?

Relax, Tam.
It's totally under control.

Arghhh- ooohhhh

Arghhhh - oof

Hank, you good?
You see any water?

Uh, nah. Just a bunch of mud.

Wait, mud?
Yo, that means water dude.

Keep digging!

Hmmm.
Oh wait.

Uh, yep. Uh, we got water.

Yoo let's goooo!
There we go.

Oh, no.

Damn, dude, I thought the
digging was the hard part.

Aight here we go, Mernft.
Our first taste of victory.

Unfiltered, 100% free,
South Jersey water,

straight from my own well!
Here we go.

Yeah uh - I don't know Mark.

Lookin' a little - uh -
discolored, you know.

Nah, that's all the good stuff,
ya know, like the raw minerals.

It's actually what water used to
look like before we started

putting all the - er - chemicals
and crap in it.

Ahhh! That's the taste of
freedom right there.

Uh, hey, Mark, you ready for the
next bucket?

Oof!

Hmmm.

Alright, so I just need some
kind of pumping system

into the house. Can you rig
something up for me?

I mean, I can try,
but it ain't going to be pretty.

Might want to call a uh -
plumbing contractor, Mark.

Nah nah nah, dude,
they gotta

adhere to all these kinds of
codes and regulations and crap.

Half the fun of going
off the grid is

that there's no rules about,
like, water pressure and stuff.

C'mon, help me out here,
Artie.

How much pressure
we talking about here, Mark?

I don't know. Max?

Pfft. Man, this is dumb as hell.

Alright. I'm going to need about


and a 30 rack of Ding Ice.

Yoooo let's goooo.

Oh, we're gonna
to be here all day at this rate.

I know. My appointment
was two hours ago.

Wait. I need an appointment?

Only if you wanna skip
that line.

Oh, you gotta be frickin'
kidding me.

Yo how we looking, Artie?
I gotta get this thing up

and running before Tammy gets
the water back on.

- Aight should be good to go.
- Go for Hank.

Uh, dah... You got Hank?
Uh, copy.

Yo, how are we looking
down there?

Looking good.

Alright, we're gonna
fire it up.

Uh. Roger Rabbit.

Woah... Cave dog.
Nice.

Hey there little guy.

Man, if you weren't so cute,
I'd probably eat you.

Ooh....

Alright, here goes nothing.

Yoooo.

Woah there.

Oh, if you insist.

Hmm. Pretty good.

Hey yo Hank, we're about to fire
up the sprinklers.

You wanna come up
and see this?

Uh no thanks. I'm good.

Hell yeah.

Okay uh, here we go.

Zone one.

What the hell?

- Oh man.
- Siccck dude.

Holy crap!

Ah, damnit.

- - Ugh. Yes?
- Yo where you at?

I'm in line
at the water company.

Oh, yeah? Well, you might
want to come back

because we... are fully
operational.

Oh, my god.
Did you flood the house?

No. I'm thinking about
putting in a m-- a moat

maybe a little koi pond,
a little water feature action,

now that the water is free,
baby!

Oh Mark, that looks disgusting.
That come from a swamp?

Oh, you mean this chemical-free

mineral water
straight from the tap?

Do not drink that.

Ahh.
That's good stuff, Tam.

Uch, Mark, this is insanity.

Oh, please.
People have been drinking water

like this for millions of years.

Yeah,
when life expectancy was 30.

Pft, are you kidding me!
Noah lived to like


Which is how old you're gonna

to be, by the way,
by the time you're done

standing in that line.
Real easy, huh?

Oh boy. Uh...

Yo Tam, actually,
I'm gonna jump.

Uh, I'm not feeling so hot.

I think uh, might have spent
too much time out on the sun.

Mark. You okay?

Ugh!

Yo! Excuse me!
I'm trying to give you money.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Ma'am. For all billing
related inquiries.

use th-
Use the portal, yeah, yeah.

Except I can't log in,

because your stupid website
won't send me

the email
to reset my frickin' username.

Have you checked
your spam folder, ma'am?

Uh...Haha...
Yep. Okay. There it is.

Hey! Wanda!

Tammy Hoagies.
You turned my water off.

Ma'am,
I just follow my work orders.

No, no. I'm not mad.

Heh, I know you're
just doing your job,

you don't make the rules.
But here's the thing,

I just paid my bill,

and I really need
the water turned on, like now.

Are you trying to bribe me?

Yes. What's it going to take for

to just come over
and turn the damn thingy on?


Look, haha, couple benjies

for ya, look, huh? Huh?
How do you like that?

Ma'am. I'm not trying to lose
my benefits.

I'll be there in 5 to 7
business days.

In 5 to 7 business days

we won't be customers anymore
because my maniac husband

is on a mission
to make us water independent.

Oh, I wouldn't recommend that.

You think?! That's why
I need you to come over

and turn my frickin' water back
on. I'm begging you.

Woman-to-woman.

Alright Ma'am. I hear you.

Thank you, Wanda.

And I'll see you in 5 to 7 days.

Ugh! Even the frickin'
people are robots!

Oh! I am so sick of this crap.

Let's see how you like it
when I come to your home,

Wanda... Heheheh.

Alright, Mr. Hoagies.
I have to ask:

have you been kissing your dog
on the rectum?

Uh...No? What?

Well, your stool tests came back
positive

for Giardia, Campylobacter,
and a handful of other things

I've only read
in medical textbooks.

- Like Cestoides Salsiformis.
- Uh, English please.

“Sausage flukes, ”

a parasitic worm thought to be
eradicated in the early 1900s.

Huh. That's weird. Cause I'm
like, living real healthy

right now. No soda.

Been working outside,
getting that vitamin D,

and I'm only drinking

fresh water from my own well,
in the backyard.

Hmmm. How are you
treating the well water?

- Uh...I'm pretty nice to it.
- No no no.

Are you treating your well
water for parasites?

Like, cleaning it with chemicals

Ah hell no.
I'm keeping it pure, baby.

I don't want a fluoride crap.

Whoop, ohp,
that slipped right out

Guess I got a little case
of the black gum.

I'm going to prescribe you some
antiparasitic and antibiotics.

If you plan to continue drinking

that well water,
you're going to need a robust

purification
and water treatment system.

Okay, well, that sounds like
a major pain in the a*s.

Yeah, well,
so is dying of dysentery.

Okay well,
what are my other options?

You could just get your water

from the water company
like a normal person.

I see. Hmm.

Ah, hey Mark, you got mud
all over the back of your pants.

Yeah, that's, uh - definitely
just mud.

Yo, Hank, uh,

I'm dropping some chlorine down
so we can get this water treated

Yo, Hank, you copy?

Hank?

Oh man. This is the life.

Infinity hot dogs.

Don't mind if I do.

I feel tingly.

Ooh, did I make you?

Welcome to the world,
lil' guy.

I'm your dad. Or uh, maybe mom?

Alright. Coming down, dude.

Yep ohp, up, oh ah - gah.

Hank? You good, dude?

Yo Hank?!

It's the circle of liiiiife -

Whoa holy crap, Hank!
Yo, you okay dude?

Living the dream.

I'm a hot dog mommy.

!

Um, yeah.

So those are, uh parasites, Hank
Sausage flukes uh -

Think they may have gotten into
your brain, so uh,

I'm gonna go ahead and smoke
'em out with this chlorine.

- Yoo take that!
- No my babies!

Hank, c'mon, stop
screwing around, dude.

I gotta chlorinate
this well water

and get up to the surface,
pronto, okay.

I got a guy coming by to
give me a quote

on some dancing fountains
for the front yard.

Yo. Did you hear that?

What is that stench?

Holy crap dude!

Oh, hello.
Haven't had visitors in ages.

Pleasure
to make your acquaintance.

Yo, what?

Damn, yo,
look at his setup dude.

You got, like, torches, you
got the rock stove, nice man.

Yo, is that a DVD player?

I charge it
with a small solar panel.

I have hidden on a tree
behind the shopping center.

Cool. Are those uh real carrots
or some kind of parasite?

Oh, they're real carrots.
alright. Here. Eat one.

Grown in fertilizer made
from my real poop.

Oof! You really got this -

got this whole thing
figured out, huh?

I've had 30 years
to perfect my craft.

Wait did you say you've been
living down here for 30 years?



No taxes, no rules,
no water company!

And it all started with a well.

Nice, uh, I'm actually
newly water independent myself.

Ahh, congratulations, my friend.

Soon, you two will know the joy
of complete self-sufficiency.

Yeah, I don't know.
It's turning out

to be more of a pain
in the butt than I thought.

It's like apparently got
to treat the water

with chlorine and
what not, it's-

Haha! Well there's a bit more
to it than that.

Uh, you've also got to
filter it and test it daily.

Ah Geez.
Seems a little involved.

Oh sure is,
but it's well worth it,

and it's really not that hard.

Here, let me show you
how it's done!

Hit it, Stevie Under.

I trained him to play
in my limited spare time.

♪ Sourcing your own water
can be a lot of fun, but ♪

♪ it's gonna take some sacrifice
to make that faucet run. ♪

♪ There are pathogens,

♪ particulates,
and chemicals galore. ♪

♪ But if you follow
all these steps, ♪

♪ you can kick them
out the door. ♪

♪ First, pre-filter out the
sediment ♪

♪ the sand and the debris

♪ You'll wanna keep
your sewage separate ♪

♪ or you're drinking
poop and pee! ♪

♪ Any surface
pipes need insulation ♪

♪ just in case it snows. And
check your radiation levels ♪

♪ or you too might
lose your nose! ♪

You really don't miss it
though. It's purely esthetic.

Hey Mark,
this could be you some day.

Yeah...

♪ Now let's move on to
my favorite phase. ♪

♪ Disinfection,
pH-balance and UV-rays. ♪

♪ Prepare yourself, this part a
little more involved. In fact, ♪

♪ some might even say it's
why my marriage dissolved. ♪

♪ You've got...

♪ chlorination, ozonation
sterilizing radiation-- ♪

Hey, wait,
where'd you go?

Guys?

Hey-- hey guys? I've-- I've
still got seven more verses!

Where you goin'?

Yeah, I actually uh, gotta go
pay the water bill, so.

Whaaaa? What about freedom?

C'mon, stay here with me!
We can live off-the-grid.

No rules! No taxes!
No age of consent...

Uh...
Yeah.. We're good, dude.

Let's see how you like it
when someone comes to your house

and messes with your water!
!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh hi Wanda!

Just smashing your uh--
water line, heh.

My power's out!

Yeah, I think I hit the
wrong one, heh...

Mom, why is it dark?
I'm trying to study.

I know baby, I know,
one sec, okay--

Grandpop can't breathe.
His machine's not working.

- Just-- just go get my hand crank
- Ooooh...

And you go call 9-1-1.

Hey Mark.
How's the well?

Yeah, I don't think I'm really
an “off the grid ” kind of guy

- if I'm bein' honest.
- Oh it's okay, don't give up.

You got this... and uh,
you kinda need to,

cause it might be a little
more than 5 to 7 business days.

Ugh. So how long
are we talking here?

Uh...maybe never?

Ah! No, Hank.
Go take your parasite medicine.

- Okay.
- Oh...

Uh, yeah... Might need
a plan, C.

Hurry up, Mark.

David's putting on his
running shoes.

Hey, you're the one
who wants to take a bath.

Oh my god. Wanda?

Hey Wanda. Heh. I didn't think
you'd actually...Ya know.

Just doing my job.

Well uh, thank you, and sorry
about the uh... ya know.

Okay.

Yo uh, ma'am, I just wanna
let you know, uh,

really appreciate the service
you provide, so...

I don't care.

Okay.
Your water's back on?

- Oh thank you so much!
- Hell yeah, you're the best.

There's gonna be a $25
reactivation fee on your bill.



That's ridiculous.
It took her like five seconds.

Alright Stevie, looks like
it's just me and you again.

Why don't you hop on the horse
teeth and play us the sad song?

♪ That's another friend gone.

♪ So it's just me and you.

♪ But that's fine with me.

♪ We've got plenty to do.

♪ Couldn't be better friends
than you and meee. ♪

♪ A pale freakish ghoul ♪

♪ and a rat that can't see.

Wait a moment...

Ah, looks like our friends
left us a little gift.

Pretty nice piece of machinery.

Let's test this bad boy out,
huh?! Haha!

Woah.

Glantontown has really changed.