02x08 - Spectrum Slam

[bunniefuu]

Hank, what are you doing?

Uh... getting open?

Nah nah, Hank.
You're the 'Roll' man, okay?

You set the screen and then you

roll to the basket
for the easy two.

Oh. Okay. Got it, yeah.

- Sorry, Mark.
- Damnit, Hank!

Uhh... I think this play's
a little too complicated.

Dude, the pick and roll is like
Basketball 101.

Our fundamentals
gotta be air tight if we

wanna have any chance
at winning this thing.

Yeah, but it's a
charity tournament.

Everybody wins.

Yeah, but there's
only one team that

gets their names
inscribed on a plaque.

Yeah, it's just I don't know if
we're that good at basketball.

Speak for yourself, Hank.

I've been waking up
every day at 9 a.m.

to do plyometrics.

Oh, man, that's pretty early to
be setting off fireworks.

Nah nah, Hank. Box jumps
to increase my vertical leap.

I've been getting
pretty close to dunking.

Watch this.

Ooh-- ah, damn dude,
just missed it.

Yo, check it out.

It's Ground Jordan!

You almost touched
the net there.

Oh, please. Closer
than you'll ever get.

I'm not delusional, Hoagies.

I'm a playmaker.
Watch this.

Woah. Steve's looking
pretty jacked there.

Ah, nah, that ain't
natural, dude.

He's definitely on steroids.

You like that, Hoagies?

- Meet my nephew, Andrew.
- Sup.

Yeah, Andrew here
averaged 20 and 10

last season at
Camden Catholic.

Impressive.
He also on the gear?

- Excuse me?
- Oh, c'mon, dude.

Look at your back-ne.
You're obviously juicing.

Well, if you must know,
I'm on prednisone

for ulcerative colitis.

I can't help it if
the side-effect's

me getting yoked
out of my skull.

Get off, the court's ours.

Boom! Haha!
All day, baby, all day.

- What the hell?
- Whoa.

We're gonna win
this frickin' thing,

get our names up
on that plaque and the

whole town is gonna
know that we are the

ones who care most
about autism awareness.

- Think fast!
- Ooh!

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Can you believe that? Steve's
juice out of his frickin' mind.

Last year he air-balled
every three. Couldn't

even reach the net,
and now he's

bombing 'em from
half-court.

So what, you lookin' for
steroids or something?

I mean uh... I'd consider it...

I dunno, Mark, that's cheating

Hey, it's not cheating if it's
for a good cause.

Yo Mernft, you hook me up?

Absolutely I can, but uh,
as your friend.

I wouldn't recommend it.

Yeah, Mark. Steriods
are dangerous.

Well uh, more importantly,
they won't work fast enough.

Plus you gotta y'know...
lift weights.

Ugh, man. Well then how
the hell are we gonna

beat Hulk DelVecchio
and that freak nephew his?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Mark! Help!

Yo, you alright Tam?
What's going on?!

Raccoon!

- Oh, damn!
- Hey there, little guy.

Careful, Hank.
I think it's got rabies.

Whoa...

Damnit!

Uh-uh. No, no, no.
Nope.

Wow. So brave, Mark.

Yeah, just need a minute.

Shoo, get outta here!

Come here you stupid-
Ugh! Ahh!

Mark! Would you help me here!

Damn, dude. This
thing is fast as hell.

Uh-oh.

Yo, where is he?
Where'd he go?

Hey, yo. There's a
raccoon in the garage.

Oh, thanks, Mernft.

Ay, get out of here, dude!
Get!

Ah! Damn, dude.
Thing just broke my ankles.

C'mon!
Oww!!!

Yo, raccoon!

Alright, that's it. No more
messing around, bud.

- Oh, geez.
- Oh, crap.

Ahhh!
Say hello to my arrows!

Damn! You see that?!
Thing jump like ten feet.

Oh yeah, that ain't natural.

Apparently, there's some new
rabies variant going around.

Animals go berserk for a couple

weeks before to
get sick and die.

Aw. That's sad.

Hmm...

Hey, Mark. What
am I looking at here?

Shh, yo. Keep your voice
down Jinglebells,

- I'm trying to get rabies.
- I see.

Uh, you know rabies is deadly.

Yeah sometimes, okay. But that's
a risk I'm willing to take.

May I ask... why?

Ugh. I'm trying to win a
two-on-two charity

basketball tournament, alright?

Ooh, there's a charity
basketball tournament?

- Hey, can I get involved?
- You play basketball?

Not since camp.
But I love associating

with charities, especially when
I don't have to

really do anything.
Do they give out t-shirts?

- Uh, probably?
- Oh, sweet.

Alright. I'm in.

Do you know anyone who's looking
for a partner?

No, but can you just get
out of here? Your dog's licking

- off all my peanut butter.
- Oh, sorry.

Mimi, let's go.
C'mon.

You could do PB finger-lickies
at home with daddy.

Oh... Here we go.

Yeah get it, dude.

Ah! There you go.
Ow--ow. Ow, yo.

A little too hard there, bud--
Ow! Ow! Owwww!!!

Hmm.
Ugh.

Wait, what?

Yo...

Mmm.
Mmm.

Yooo....

- Hey, hun.
- Yo, Tam.

Uh... haha, how about
we use a glass?

Ahh, c'mere you...

I got ya, babe.

Oh! Thanks, hun.

Ooooh, Mark.
Down, boy. Relax.

I'll relax when the whole world
is aware of autism, baby.

Oh! Haha.

Uhh, you okay, Mark? Uh.
Your eyes are kinda red.

Hoho I'm more than okay, dude,
I feel great. I'm thriving!

Getting rabies is the best
idea ever had. Watch this.

Boom!

Already doubled
my box jump record.

You sure this is worth it?

Yes, Hank.
Rabies is temporary,

but plaques in the
gym, they hang forever.

Oh, man. I can't
wait to see the look on

Steve's face when I
dunk it right on his head.

I'm gonna put that
dude on a poster.

Oh, yeah.
Ooh, give me tho--

Yo, want any of
these eggs, dude?

Uh, I'm good.

Ohh, yeah, dude. Hoo!

I can feel those
eggs going right

into my body,
right into my muscles,

oh yeah, building strength
with each bite.

I'm not so sure how I feel
about this whole rabies thing.

Okay and how the hell else are
we gonna beat DelVecchio?

I mean, um we could
always... practice.

Hmm. Alright yeah,
that's a good point.

Why don't you get out there
and start putting up some shots.

I need you money
from downtown.

I'm just not a great
sh**ter, though.

Well not yet. But you just gotta
do the Malcolm Gladwell thing

were you sh**t like 10,000
three-pointers or whatever.

Hmm. Okay yeah, sounds good.

Hey, Hanky Panky,
there's my guy.

You need a teammate
for the tournament?

Nah. I'm actually
playing with Mark.

Ah. Duh. Ugh.

Alright, so how does one go
about finding a B-Ball partner?

Is there like an
app or something?

Mm uh, maybe
just ask around?

Ugh. So awkward.

I'm just gonna give up.

Ooh, God. Look at that.

Is that pre-shrunk cotton?

Ooh, it's so boxy
and cheap looking.

That's the perfect
charity shirt.

Ah, you know what?

Maybe I will ask around.

Yo! You see that?
I'm getting close, baby.

A few more of these
and I'm gonna be

tomahawking on DelVecchio
like frickin' Anthony Edwards.

- Raaaagh!!!
- What gives, Hoagies?

- You're looking awfully spry.
- Yeah, that's right, dude.

- You scared?
- No. Suspicious.

Yesterday you were loafing
around like a sack of garbage,

now you're grabbing rim?
You're on somethin'.

Pfft, what are you talking
about, dude. I'm 100% natty.

The only one on
the juice is you.

I already told you. I'm taking
doctor prescribed steroids

for psoriasis.

Oh yeah? I thought it was uh,
ulcerative colitis.

Might wanna get
your story straight.

Oh, cry more, Hoagies.
You wanna see a doctor's note?

Oh, yeah, from who?

Dr. uh, Barry Bonds?

Oh okay, funny guy.
You know what?

I am taking steroids.

I'm stacking a
c*ck of full-on

anabolic, Hulk Hogan
gym candies.

- And do you know why?
- 'Cause you're a cheater?

No! Because I'm
willing to sacrifice

my long term health for charity.

That's why.
I'm gonna put on a show.

- You're all talk, little man.
- Oh yeah? All talk?

I'll knock that thumb head
off your shoulders.

Pfft. You don't scare me.

The only thing I'm afraid
of are those hair plugs

scraping my boys when
I dunk on your head.

Oh okay, guys. We're all just
here to have fun.

Oh my God, I got a puppy
that's stronger than this.

Alright, guys.
Take it easy.

Kick his a*s, Uncle Steve!

Gah!

Did you just bite me?
D- Did you see that?

He's freakin' 'roid raging!

Uh...

The hell happened to you?

Oh nothin', just uh...
ballin' out, hoopin' you know.

Geez. Seems a little intense
for a charity game.

Ugh. You're like an
animal right now.

You look like you
wanna devour me.

Maybe I do.

H-Hey, how's the weather
up there? Heheheheh.

So actually um,
I'm on the hunt for

a teammate for the tournament.
What do you say?

Uhh... What tournament?

Basketball. Duh.

Oh, just because I'm tall,
I must play basketball?

Oh my gosh no, I'm so sorry.
I- I did not mean to insinuate--

What? That because I
have a certain body type,

I must have certain interests.

No-- I wasn't-- Oh my gosh--
Are you tall?

Hmm.
I didn't even realize.

I'm just asking
everybody really... Heheh...

Hey uh sir, hi.

Would you be
interested in being my

partner for the uh...
the basketball thing?

- Hell yeah, bro.
- Okay, no problem.

- I just thought I'd ask-
- wait, what?

Did you just... You do?

Yeah, man. Let's do it.
I'm Ronnie.

Alright. David.

Uh... are you okay?

Huh?
What?

Uh... yeah... uh... maybe...

Can I get another nurse?

Sorry. Um... yeah. Let me uh...
excuse me for just one second.

Jasmine!

Tammy?! Uh... Didja
have a rough night?

Yeah look-- I'm not
feeling so hot.

Would you mind doing
an IV swap in 318?

I'm gonna pop in
an ER for a bite...

I mean uh... exam.

- Uh- Of course.
- Thanks, hun.

Oof. Damn!

Whoops. Heh.
Forgot to uh...

Heheheh...

The hells is wrong with her?
Whoops?

Hey Hank. Uh, mind if we
share the court with you?

Oh hey there, David.
Did ya uh, find a partner?

I did. Yes.

Oh. Cool. Yeah. I love
wheels and chairs.

Get off our court, bro.

Uh... okay?

Alright, J-Bells.
Let's see what you got.

Oof!

C'mon butterfingers.
Gotta catch that.

What?
Was that even a pass?

Yeah man.
You gotta move off-ball.

I was trying to hit
you in stride

Uh... right.

Get the ball! Let's go.
Show some hustle.

Oh uh. Here ya go.

Kobe!

Oh no.

Hey Mark uh, I got up 900
shots today.

I really think I'm starting
to find my rhythm.

Uh, Mark?

Yo. I was jjjjust-- practicing.
Iiii- make big jumps now.

Oh... Uh... you're kinda
scaring me, Mark.

Maybe it's time to get the cure.

Can't... Uh basketballs...
it's t'game soons.

Steve bad. I dunk.

Yeah it's just... uh...
you seem pretty sick.

Alright I'm sorry
you're worried.

But I'm okay. I'm good.
Seriously.

Okay, so here's the thing...

I kinda bit Steve, uhh...
which means

he's probably got rabies too.

So now, y'know, they got rabies
plus steroids.

So I was thinking... y'know...
you gotta get rabies too.

Uh... I don't really
want rabies.

Hank I'm telling you, okay,
it's awesome--

You saw it dude,
I almost dunked!

Come on, dude.
For charity.

- C'mere...
- Uh...

C'mon, dude,
just one little bite,

we kick Steve's a*s, and then
we get the sssshot.

Okay, no big deal.

- Mark!
- Hey babe, how day?

How day was?
How was your day?

How was your day, babe?

Oh, not great.
Apparently, I got rabies.

Oh... um... wow...
That's... from a raccoon, um..?

Um... don't think so.
Pretty sure I got it from you.

Pfft, me. Nah, c'mon.
I'm totally normal health.

You're foaming at the mouth.

No no no--

Hold still, Mark.

What are you doing, Tam...
Nnnno. No.

Mark. You're gonna need to take

this shot now or
you're gonna die.

Nah. What are you're
talking about? I'm good.

Just like, uh... dehydrated.

Oh, that's interesting.

Because people with rabies
are afraid of water.

Uhhhh wwwwhat are
you doing?

Water. Y'know since you're
just dehydrated.

Okay.
Hmmhmmhmmh sure.

Sure. No problem.

See, I knew it.

Mark! Did you know you had
rabies when we... y'know?

I dunno. Hnn- I didn't know
I even had it, yooo..?

Wait, I thought you said you
got it on purpose

- so you could dunk on Steve.
- Damnit Hank, c'mon!

You what?

DelVecchio-- taking
steroids, okay?

His nephew make
dddouble doubles.

I need super power to bb-beat
him at basketball, okay?

So you got frickin rabies?!

Tam, just let me playthegame!
After that, I'll get the shot.

Oh my God. Do you
have a death wish?

This is bigger than me, Tam.
This is about autismm awareness.

What are you talking about?

Hnn-- Exactly.

This is why we need
to spread awareness.

Mark, uh, I really think you
should take the shot.

N-n-n-
Stay back...

- Now!
- Oof!

Uh oh.

Look, we gotta act fast.

I don't know how much time
he has before it's too late.

Oh, geez.
Mark!

Mark! Where are you?!

I think we should
split up, Hank.

I'll go this way.
You go that way.

Uh... okay.

Mark!

Oh come on, idiot.
Where'd you go?

Mark!

Hey, Mark!

Ma--

Mark?

Oh. Geez...

Wake up, man.
Let's go.

Dude. Come on!

I'm dropping dimes. And your
conditioning is pathetic.

Have you ever done
cardio in your life?

Are you kidding me?!

I've been running
around all day while

you've been sitting
in a frickin' chair.

Wow, man.

Listen, I don't
think this is working.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to play with you.

Oh? Because I'm in a wheelchair?

No, because you're
not a very nice person.

Damn. You're
softer than you look.

I knew you were a scrub.

Excuse me?!

You haven't made a
single decent pass and

you're like 0 for 50
from the field.

You're the scrub.
You suck!

Uh... what was that about?

I can't play with him.

He's a jerk and he
sucks at basketball.

Optics, David.
It's a charity tournament.

Let's try to remember what
this is really about, okay?

You're right.

Hey uh, Ronnie, wait.

- What do you want?
- I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

Nah, I do suck.

It's just nobody has the
ba*ls to say it to me.

Respect.
You suck too.

Alright, let's give
this another go.

I think we can win this thing.

You really think so?

No, I don't. Haha.

Let's do it.

I gotta say, losing
by 60 points in a


genuinely impressive.

Yeah, oh well.
T-shirt time!

Oh, come on! XXL!

What's the point
in giving out charity

t-shirts if you can
only wear them to bed?

That's ridiculous.

Mark, can you please come down
so I can give you the medicine?

Alright, I'm coming up.

Okay, Mark. I'm not
gonna hurt you...

I just-- I don't want
you to die and stuff.

Hank, j-j-j-just hear
me out, okay?

Don't-don't-don't
do this, okay?

I know it seems
crazy how much I care

about beating DelVecchio, b-b-
but it really means a lot to me.

I'm asking you, uh p-p-
please, if you do me

one favor for the rest
of our lives, let it be this.

I j-j-just want to play in that
basketball game with rabies.

Hokay, not just to
beat DelVecchio, but

for me, it's my one
chance to dunk on him

and it's n-n-never
gonna happen again.

I promise as soon as the game's
over, I'll take the s-s-shot.

From the Glantontown
Community Center

in South Jersey,
it's time for the

championship finals
of Spectrum...

Slam!

Tonight, the
much anticipated matchup

between Team DelVecchio
and Team Hoagies.

Alright everybody...
Let's play some basketball!

- Hank!
- Here, Mark!

Gimme that!

Yep! There you go!

Ha, ha, ha, h*!

Woo!

C'mon, baby,
show me what you got!

Hank!

Nice one, dude.

Check your eyes, ref! C'mon!

We got this, Mark.

Wow, Mark! That was the
best dunk I've ever seen!

This couldn't get any worse...

Are you not entertained?!

Are you not aware?!

Together let's foster a better
understanding and acceptance of

autistic individuals in society.

Hoa-gies, hoa-gies,
hoa-gies, hoa-gies...

Hoa-gies, hoa-gies,
hoa-gies, hoa-gies...

Hoa-gies...

- Hey, Tammy! He's waking up.
- Oh, my God.

Mark?! Honey!
Can you hear me?

We did it, Hank.
We did it.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Hoagies.

Hn- Thanks, Doc.
You see the game?

Uh... No.

And don't thank me.
Thank your brother.

You wouldn't be
alive right now if he

hadn't given you
that shot in the woods.

Wait... hold on.
In the woods?

But we... I just won.
I dunked on Steve.

- Everybody cheered.
- Sorry, Mark.

I just...uh, you know.

Wait so... I didn't dunk on...
we didn't win?

Ugh. Damnit, Hank!

Hun, I think you
should get some rest.

You got severe encephalitis and
permanent organ damage.

Ugh. Please tell me
Steve didn't win?

Nope.

He uh, tried to eat some guy's
MCL and they had a forfeit.

And then he had a
steroid-induced seizure

and was airlifted to the
hospital where they

stabilized him and
gave him the vaccine.

So.. who... won?

Oh actually uh,
DJ Swaggy Bangerz

and Ed from Martin and Martin.

I guess he used
to play in college.

Oh wow, heh.
Good for them.

Yo DelVecchio, you awake?

Yeah Hoagies, I'm awake.

This bed's making
my a*s go numb.

Yo listen, okay,

I know I give you
a lotta crap, but

I actually kinda respect
you taking steroids.

Oh, do you now?

Yeah, dude. Putting your body on
the line like that for charity?

Not a lot of guys
will go that hard

for a good cause,
let me tell you.

I appreciate that, Hoagies.

That's very nice of you to say.

A lot of people think
steroids are cheating.

I personally don't agree.

I think not taking steroids
is cheating the fans.

Dude, 100%. Yo,

the steroids era was the best
era in baseball.

Barry Bonds is a frickin' hero
for doing what he did,

putting all those
chemicals in his body,

blowing up his heart
and shrinking his

jewels, just so fans
could watch him

mash long ba*ls
into the stratosphere.

- I mean, c'mon.
- I couldn't agree more.

So, tell me. Who'd you get
your gear from?

- Your fat friend?
- What?

Nah, I didn't do steroids.
I'm natural, dude.

- I'm clean.
- C'mon, Hoagies.

You are definitely on something.
Why are you in here, then?

- Oh, I got rabies.
- Wait-wait-wait-wait.

I got rabies, too--
You bit me--

Did you frickin' give me rabies,
Hoagies?

You piece of human garbage!

Get out of here!
Give me a break!

You speared me.
I was just defending myself.

I'm gonna break
your frickin' head--

I'll split it right open
in like a cantaloupe.

Get over here!
C'mere!

I'll bite you again.
I swear to God, dude!

I'll bite your ear off
like Tyson!