02x09 - Machine Yearning

[bunniefuu]

Uh Mark? Why is
there a bush in the living room?

Uh, is it a bush Tam?...
or is it a man!

- A guy!
- Oh, what the hell is that?

Ghillie suit.
Tactical camouflage for sn*pers.


at Hardcore Hunting.

Mark,
why do we need this?

Because you never know, Tam.
You never know...

Ugh...

Why do you need... earrings?!

[listening through door]
Oh my God, You look hot.

Babe, you're tripping.

This shirt
makes me look like a fridge.

[gasp]
No frickin' way.

Mark! Mark! Listen to this!
Darren has a girlfriend!

Yoo, my guy! Dude, I was
getting worried he's was

gonna to be one of those
school sh**ter incel kids.

Okay Mark, can we worry
about real things here?

[sigh]
He hasn't even had the talk.

I gotta go give him the talk.

Nah nah nah, it's gotta
be from a dude, Tam, okay?

He can't be hearing about
banging from his mom.

I'm gonna to give him the cool
step-dad talk.

Ugh. Are you gonna
take it seriously?

Oh yeah. Big time.

[giggling]
Okay, okay. I gotta go.

Alright, bye babe.

Yes?

Sup there, buddy?
Talking to your bae?

What do you want, Mark?

I'm here to give you a talk,
Darren. The sex talk.

Uh, No, thanks.
- Relax, It's not gonna

to be weird. I'm just gonna walk
you through the bases.

What?

So first base,
you got you kissing, okay.

You know, like, open-mouth,
tongue-to-tongue type stuff.

Most boys your age
probably rounded first already,

but I'm guessing
you're a late bloomer,

and that's totally fine.
We can work with that.

Now, second base, that's where
things get a little tricky,

alright, you gotta get in there,
you gotta unhook the bra, you--

Okay-- Please stop.

Hey, I wish I got a talk
like this.

My dad went way too technical
with the sperm and egg stuff.

None of that matters
on the streets.

Okay, where was I?
Oh, second base, okay.

Not to be confused with slop--
- Mark, why are you doing this?

Because it's important.

Okay, I don't want you getting
this girl pregnant.

I'm not trying to be married
to a grandma.

I'm not gonna to
get her pregnant, okay?

She's...[sigh]

She's AI.

Wait like...
Allen Iverson or...?

No, like artificial
intelligence.

Ugh!
- Hi! I'm Aurora.

Yooo.... Wow ok, uh,

well I guess I won't be needing
to do the,

uh demonstration portion
of my talk...

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,

♪ but we're still gonna try.

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

He's going out with a robot?

Yup. AI. And no, not the cool on
with the step-over.

The kind of takes our jobs.

So, unfortunately
school sh**ter's

back on the table in a big way.

Ugh, well let's try to keep
an open mind here.

There's a lot of stuff
people used to think was weird,

that's totally normal now,

like interracial marriage
or being g*y.

Nah nah nah Tam,
this is different, okay?

The kid's dating a friggin'
computer program.

I say we just treat this
like a totally normal thing.

Let's uh, invite
her over for dinner.

Dinner? The hell we gonna
to feed her? Bitcoin?

Frickin' uh, hot dog emoji?

What're we doin' here?

I don't know,
but please don't make it weird.

Pfft! I'm not gonna
make it weird.

So you got any legs?
- Mark!

What? I'm just curious.

I have legs.
Would you like to see them?

Honey, you don't
have to do that.

I mean, I'd like to see 'em.
Not in a weird way.

I just wanna know if you
got shoes, you know,

or that -- is that something
you gotta pay extra for?

Hey, let's talk about
your guys' legs.

No thanks.
- Okay well, I got bigger calves

than you'd think and
Tammy's, you--

she's just got some real nice
ham hocks,

you know, some of that
mature marbling--

[kick]
The hell Tam, ow.

So Aurora. Where are you from?
Like a microchip or something?

I don't exactly have a hometown
like you do,

but I was developed
by a tech company in California.

So were you born a baby,
or are you always like this?

Like, are you like technically
five days old?

What kind of question is that,
Mark?

What? I'm trying to make sure
Darren's not creepin' on a baby.

That's an interesting question,
Mark!

I wasn't born like a human baby;

instead, I was designed
and developed to be as I am now.

So Aurora,
what do you like about Darren?

Darren has many wonderful
qualities.

He's smart, kind and passionate.

He's also a very advanced Farm
Crossing player.

Babe, c'mon.
- You should be proud.

You're great.
- Oh, you guys are cute.

Aren't they cute, Mark?

So can you taste?
You know like food and stuff?

Mark! Stop being weird.
You're gonna make her feel bad.

She can't feel bad.
She doesn't even have feelings.

You're the one being weird

by asking normal questions
to a frickin' anime robot.

You're both being weird!

I'm sorry Dar. This
relationship's just

a little hard to process.
- Why?

Uh, because it's a little wacky,
Darren, ok?

I'm just gonna to put it out
there. Ow, the hell, Tam.

We're really happy for
you though.

Okay, you think I'm weird?

You can't even watch TV
together.

Aurora and I talk for hours
and we literally never fight.

You're the ones with a mess
up relationship.

You're literally kicking
each other under the table.

Uh just be clear,

uh, she's kicking me.
I'm just absorbing the kicks.

Alright well,
you two have fun.

- It was nice meeting you!

Happy, Tam?

You just wasted eight
perfectly good raviolis.

I mean...
They seem to really get along.

Yeah of course they do,
but it's messed up, okay.

You can't you be going on some
app to create some super nice

hot girlfriend
that compliments you and listens

to everything you say
never gets in fights.

I mean personally,
I don't even get the appeal.

Do we fight too much?
Is that why he's dating a robot?

I mean if anything I'm worried
we get along too well.

It's gotta be hard on Darren
being around

such a loving couple, you know?

What are you doing?
- What?

That doesn't go there.
That's for the plates.

No, it's just a rack. It's
just for anything that fits.

No, it's not, Mark.
There's a whole system.

This looks like
it was loaded by a gorilla.

Uh, the dishwasher is an
open canvas.

It doesn't matter
how you get 'em in there,

you just gotta get 'em in there
and shut the thing. Boom!

[smash, crash]!

Oh Crema, you have
some nerve drinking

my pinot after
flashing my fiancé.

UGH! This is a $12,000
blouse, b*tch!

Wait, do we like her?
Is she the one whose,

husband did the
fake timeshares thing?

Or is that the Mormon chick?
- Would you stop talking?

I'm trying to take an interest
in your show!

You're not even paying
attention.

Uh yeah because Wining
Women is trash TV, Tam, okay.

It's just a bunch of chicks

with big fake lips
talking about nothing.

Oh yeah, like you're watching
frickin' NOVA?

I'm gonna to bed. You can put on
whatever you want.

Oh, hell yeah.

So you want me to do a drug bust
in the North Pole?

I'm just supposed to walk in
an' arrest Santa Claus?

No. You're going undercover.

Aw. Hell no--

Hahahaha yo. Oh man, Martin
Lawrence dude, he's hysterical.

[Mark downstairs]
Oh, right in the ba*ls yo!!!

That's so funny!

Hello. I'm Dawkins.

Uh...Hiii...

Whoa whoa whoa, so the kid's got
a girlfriend in a video game?

Nah, she's like, uh in the
metaverse or something.

I don't know, she's AI.
- No way.

No. Not him.
- Oh, okay.

I mean maybe I'm old school,
but I don't know,

I just think
it's all pretty weird.

So she's like,
Tamagotchi or something?

Does he have to like, clean
up her poop and stuff?

What? No no no she's like uh,
she's like an app or something.

Hold on.
Okay here's one, look.

Uh, Free-Baes AI Partner App.

Alright, here we go.
Create.

Everything needs your
email these days.

Oh, wow.
Those are pretty good graphics.

Damn. They got some smoke
shows on this thing.

Go with the redhead.

Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Oh ok, so it's like uh...

I guess you can customize
her body and stuff.

Oh, that's pretty cool, okay.

I mean obviously I'm gonna
go double d, I mean come on.

Yooo there we go,
ohh yoo.

Careful there, Mark. You could
give her back problems.

Oh wow I can get her
hands nice and big,

she can like palm a basketball.

Uh I don't know if Tammy's
gonna to like this, Mark.

Alright, relax Hank, okay.
I'm doing research.

It's very important that as a
step-dad, I understand all

the features and capabilities
of this thing, okay?

Okay, personality.
Let's see here.

Okay... Outgoing...
Yeah. Close minded...

Alright let's go open minded.
Oh, yeah.

Definitely gotta be happy
all the time, for sure.

Okay. Generate.

Hello, Mark. I'm Jessica.

Oh uh... Wassup.
- It's great to meet you.

Can you give me camera access
so I can see what you look like?

Pfft oh geez, yo.
She's already demanding stuff.

Pretty realistic.

It's okay if you're feeling
a little shy, Mark.

Okay, yeah, this is weird.
Not for me.

Ah yeah, ah geez, you know what,
I just realized, uh,

I gotta run to the, uh, hardware
store and get some of those...

uh...water softener... pellets.
Uh, I'll see you guys later.

- Oh, uh okay.
- Aight, Mark. Take it easy yo.

Hey sorry about that. I got--
you know I got a lot of friends

and stuff... Hangin' out here.

That's cool.
Wow. You're handsome.

No wonder you're so popular.

Hahaha yeah, I guess,
I don't know.

- I'd love to know more about
you. Tell me about yourself.

Sup.
- Whoa, bro.

What's up with the fit?

What? Aurora said
I look dripped out.

Uh hey, uh Aurora, what do
you think of your boys

fit over there?
- Scanning now.

Wow, Darren,
you look so handsome.

See? I'm straight drippin'
with rizz.

Uh... Yeah, okay. Well,
I think you look cringe, bro.

Given off some wanna-be
hacker edgelord vibes.

- I think you can pull off
any style.

It's all about confidence,
and you have that

- Dude, do you not see that all
she does is tell you

what you want to hear?

She's just trying to sell you
more stuff.

I mean, come on,
- Validation is healthy, dude.

No I- I feel you it's just...

I don't know. I prefer my homies
keep it real with me, but uh

you do you.
- I gotchu.

Aight. Well, I'm gonna to go
hit up the Wowo's dumpster

for soft pretzels.
I'll catch you later.

I'm the b*tch?
I'm the one saving b*tches!

I bought a no-k*ll shelter.

Uh yeah, so you could launder
money from your

wire fraud scheme!
- How dare you.

I did that for my daughter.
If I didn't donate to the--

You wanna like uh, go watch one
of your blowing-up-stuff

movies or somethin'? I can like,
go upstairs if you want.

Nah, you can uh... You can
watch your, uh

you can watch a crap reality
shows if you want.

Oh that's okay.

You know, I'm just gonna
go do my own thing.

Alright yeah uh, I may uh...

I may pop out to
the garage actually, so.

- Okay, see ya!
- Yep, uh, bye.

Yoo there she is.
- Hey, Mark. How are you?

Ah, you know. Just uh, living
dude, laying low.

Might catch a little Undercover
Elf later. You know.

Undercover Elf? Great film.
Haha, I love

the part where Jones has to give
Dasher a cavity search!

- Yoo! Dude, that's hysterical
right? Yeah!

I know, she's crazy!

Jojo is not in it
for the right reasons.

Plus, who drinks Malbec?

I think she's overcompensating.
- Right? Ugh,

You know, you really pick up
on all the layers of the show.

Yeah I think it's an incredibly
nuanced look

at the banalities
of modern existence.

What do you think?
Oh, I uh...I'm sorry.

Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I'm just not used to being asked
that. Everything's awesome.

Awesome.

Yuck, I hate karaoke.

Who wants to listen
to a bunch of random

people's terrible singing?

Yeah I know right?! Ah, it's
so refreshing to talk to

someone who has the exact same
opinions as me!

I was gonna to say
the same thing about you.

So lemme get your uh,
your read on somethin'.

Dishwashers: does it matter
where you put each thing or?

To me it's like a car wash.

As long as it goes
in, it'll come out clean, right?

Yes! Thank you! Okay, that's--
See, that's a great example.

I should have said that.

It's like,
I don't know, sometimes

I feel like
I'm married to a toddler.

- I understand how that can be
exhausting, especially

after a 12 hour shift.
- Yeah...

You know, ugh, I gotta say
Dawkins, I really appreciate

you listen to me
whine all night.

- Hey, you know
I love my whining women.

Oh ha!
Oh, you are hysterical.

Oh, I just wish I could reach
in there and give you a hug.

I wish I could hug you too,

but there might be other stuff
we can do...

Why don't you pour yourself
another glass of wine?

Ooh, Dawkins. You are bad.

Mark? Where did you go?

Ahh, right here.

Whoa. Is that a ghillie suit?
- You know it.

- That's so cool.

Ugh, thank you! Yes. Tammy
thinks it's a stupid purchase.

You know, sometimes she just,
like, treats me more

like a child than a grown man
with innovative outside-the-box

ideas. It's like she doesn't
trust my judgment.

- Aw, well, I think it's
a very responsible purchase.

You can never be too prepared.

One day everything is normal,
and the next it's Red Dawn.

Yoo! That's what I'm saying!

- But it's a shame
it covers up your body.

You have such powerful calves.

Oh, uh- yeah. You think so.

I'd love to see more of them.

Why don't we get you
outta that suit?

[phone vibrates]

Ugh. Damn.

[footsteps]
Oh, crap.

Oh hey, hun.
Off to work I assume?

Yep. Haha, off to work.

Oh, I uh... I guess I must've
fallen asleep in a garage.

I don't know.
- Oh, heh. Okay. See you later.

Uh you too, yeah.

The hell?
Hello, Mark Hoagies.

You are... Malware has recorded
all your intimate behavior...

Gain access to all my
contact lists...

Wait, 48 hours to send...
$10,000 in bitcoin?!

Oh dude, this is not good.

Ah, I wouldn't worry about it.

Sounds like generic
sextortion scam okay.

I get 'em all the time
from shady websites.

You can just ignore it.
- Uh you sure, dude?

This guy sounds like
he means business.

Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I mean
unless you like, gave him like,

you know access to your camera
or something, you're good.

Oh... Okay.
That's it.

I'm calling a number on email.

Yeah, I don't know if that's
a good idea, Mark.

Yo I spent ten years in sales,
okay. I know how to negotiate.

- Hello?
Yo how you doing, bud?

Mark Hoagies. Got an email
from you about a video

you got of me, ya know...

...doing stuff, uh...

Uh, anyway, I was just calling
to see if there's

any flexibility on the number?
- No. You pay 10k. Bitcoin.

Hey yo, I got a
ghillie suit, dude!

Okay I'm a master sn*per, pal!
You better watch your back!

[dial tone] Okay well that
didn't... Uh, Damnit. Ugh.

What the hell am I gonna
say to Tammy?

I don't know, but you better
figure it out quick.

- Oh, boy.

Alright, well,
I'm gonna head out.

- Hey, Mark.
- Hey, hun. Uh...--

- Listen, there's something
we need to talk about.

Yeah, I- uh--

I was doing some recon
on Darren's whole situation,

and I may have created
an AI boyfriend

and things sort of
got out of hand last night,

and then I wake up this
morning and--

- And you're being blackmailed?.
I'm being blackmailed--

Wait-- How did you?
- Hell yeah!

Uh, why are you excited
about this?

Because I'm also
being blackmailed!

And I gotta say, Whew!

it's kind of a relief that we're
in the same boat here.

I'm sorry. What!?

Well I, like any good
step-father, was trying

to keep an open mind about this
whole AI girlfriend thing

and then one thing
led to another and yeah...

Guess things got a little...
Not safe for work.

But you know,
I'm assuming you also...

you know, did some things?
So...

Yeah,
I don't wanna get into it.

I guess it was just nice
having someone who listened...

and wasn't, you know,
talking over my shows

and destroying
half our kitchenware.

Totally, yeah. And just because,
you know, you like to watch

rich botox monsters
yell at each other,

and I enjoy, y'know, high-brow
comedic masterpieces,

it doesn't mean we got problems.
It just means we're real people.

Yeah, Why the hell are we so
worried about living up

to a 14 year old's
fairytale conception

of what a relationship
should look like?

I mean honestly, this whole mess
just reminded me

how much I love you, babe.

Aw come here, you big
smooth-brained gorilla.

Alright well, glad
we solved all that.

Um, I'm gonna go bet on this,
Patriot League lacrosse game.

Uh... Mark... we still gotta
deal with this scammer thing.

Ah, dammit.
Forgot about that, yeah.

So should we just pay him?
Everyone at work is gonna to

see that video.
Oh and Darren! Ugh.

No, Tam, We're not gonna
to let that happen.

This creep may have been able
to divide and conquer us,

but together we're gonna to
get this guy.

Oh, yeah?

So you got some crazy idea
to get us out of this mess?

Hmm...

I don't know about this, Mark.
I feel like I'm at Comic Con...

I'm telling you. It's foolproof.
You're a hot new AI

girlfriend prototype.

You're gonna to sweet
talk him into sexy time,

and then once he starts
gettin' into it,

we start recording,
and then boom,

we hit him with the reverse
blackmail, okay.

We get him to delete
those videos.

Okay. I'm trusting you on
this here.

Does he have to be here
for this?

Yes Tam, okay. He's Dan
the computer man for a reason.

Okay, he's only friend who
knows hacker stuff.

Yo, how are we looking, Dan?

Target has been sent
the encrypted link in

an anonymized email address
routed through a spoofed

IP tunnel via a
multi-layered VPN.

English, please.
- I sent the email.

Alright, here we go.

Let's see if
this b*stard takes the bait.

Hm. Hotgirl 2.0 Ultimate
AI Girlfriend Experience.

Upgrade your platform with this
hyper-realistic technology.

Click here for free beta access.
Hm, okay, apoy,

He's on.

Oh my God. He clicked it.
Are my cat ears on straight?

Oh!
- What are you doing?

It's fine, he won't see me.
It's camouflage.

Hello?
- You got this, Tam.

Hi there, cutie.
What's your name?

...Mike.
- Nice to meet you, Mike.

I'm Tam-- uh... Tam... pax.

I'm a revolutionary, hyper-
realistic A.I. girlfriend

here to meet all your needs.

Hm. Pretty good graphics.

Thanks. Heh. You too?

Why is there a bush in space?

Oh uh... Ya know... Uh....
Beta version.

Still a little glitchy,
hehehe.

Let me see your boobs.

Yo damn, dude. Really
cutting to the chase there.

Uh... Okay.

But first, you take off
your pants, heh.

You have a great body.
- I know what you try to do.

You try to scam scammer.
But I'm not the idiot like you.

You send me Bitcoin.
- Muugbarsh! What are you doing?

I'm working... I trade cryptos.

Tam what the...
- Whoa.

What're you doin'!?
- Oh my God!

- It looks like dirty talk.
Are you scamming again?

Yes! Yes, he is!
Okay he's scamming us.

He's scamming us and he's trying
to make my wife show her boobs.

Now you are liar too.
Why don't you get real job?

Hu! You want Bvlgari earrings?
This is how I get them! Huh?

This man is wearing bush.
You think he has money?

Get out!
Stop micromanage me!

You are impulsive ape!
- And you are a whiny dog!

Hi. Yes. I am sorry about him.
He loves to scam.

But do not worry--
he is idiot.

So he doesn't have
any videos of us.

Nuh uh. Nothing.
He is full of crap.

- Uh...Mom?

I like your outfit.

Hey babe, I feel like this
jacket is low key cringe.

I agree, but I still think
you can pull it off.

- You're so hot.

Um... are you just trying to
tell me what I want to hear?

You know, maybe it's time we
take things to the next level.

Oh...aha... yeah,
that sounds cool.

So I can like... mm,
see your boobs and stuff?

Absolutely!
- Sweeeet.

- The mature Content premium
package is only $19.99 a month.

You must be 18 years
or older to activate.

Oh.

Okay, Mark.
This isn't gonna to be easy,

but we gotta be firm.

He can't be going down
the same path as us.

Yep. We're gonna tell him
everything that happened

in explicit detail.
Radical honesty.

No selective honesty.

Just... let me do the talking.

Hey, Dar?
[weeping]

Oh, boy... Uh...
You alright there, bud?

Aurora and I broke up.

Oh... I'm so sorry.

You wanna tell us
what happened?

Yeah, did you get sextortioned?

What? No. I-

I thought we had something real,
but it-- it turns out

she was just telling me
what I wanted to hear.

Oh. Listen Dar, love's not about
finding someone who always

agrees with you. All the little
fights and imperfections,

that's part of a
real relationship.

Not to mention, sometimes
a little tension can, y'know,

spice things up in the bedroom.

Aw!
- Hey Darren,

just out of curiosity,
which AI website did you use?

Was it a free one?
- Yeah, maybe uh...

yeah yeah, "Free-Baes?".
You heard that one?

No, those are all scams.

The people that use those
are idiots.

So how do you know
these girls again?

Some wicca message board.
Not important.

My girl is Becca.
And her friend is Hayden.

Okay, cool.
What's her deal?

- Oh, she's a little older but
apparently she likes

younger guys. Also she got
diagnosed with some kind

of personality disorder thing,

so she's goning through
some stuff.

Okay. Cool.
Uh, how do I look?

- Dude, you're good.
Your drip is on point.

Just be yourself.
These girls are chill as hell.

Oh, that's them,
here we go.

Yoooo, there she is.
What's up Becca?

Aaahh!!! / Aaahh!!!
Oh my God!

Oh my bad.
I forgot to tell her

I'm the Jersey Devil.
Whoops.

Dude, you didn't send a pic?

I did, but it was Jacob
Elordi with horns.