02x13 - Little the Netherlands

[bunniefuu]

Oh man, this thing
drives unbelievable.

Got the power, the handling--

woo, this is pure American
engineering right here.

Yeah I don't know, Mark.

Don't you think the
car's a little... wide?

Yeah, the girth is the signature
design feature

of the Dodge Chode. Never felt
so connected to the road.

Yeah, because
you take up all of it.

Come on man!

Ugh. Hate these frickin'
cyclists riding

around like they own the road.

We get it pal, okay.
You're saving a planet. Pfft.

Not everyone wants to drive a
storage unit on wheels, Mark.

Of course they do, Tam.

Driving an unnecessarily huge
car, that's the American dream.

Ya know, in some cultures, it's

considered rude to
take up so much space.

Yeah well, those
places are dumb.

Wow, Mark. So open-minded.
Such a man of the world.

Pfft! What the hell are you
talking about, Tam?

I have been to every single
country in Epcot, twice.

Uh, careful Mark,
uh, the red light's out.

Ah don't worry, Hank, okay.
It's all good.

We are ensconced in a protective
cocoon of thick American steel.

- Boom.
- Oh, my God!

Ah, damnit.
Frickin' cyclists.

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Uh, your Honor, if I may, um...

so when a traffic light goes out
the rules of the road

become the rules
of the jungle, okay,

the cars, they're the lions
and a bikes, they're gazelles.

Objection. There are no gazelles
in the jungle.

Overruled. Mr. Hoagies,
where are you going with this?

Yeah, so buses, they're the
elephants and trucks,

they are... they're
the rhinos...

Alright. That's enough. Though
if we were to continue,

let the record reflect that
motorcycles are hyenas.

- I'll allow it.
- Mr. Hoagies, normally you'd be

facing jail time
and a steep fine.

Lucky for you, I'm
a creative judge who

believes in teaching profound
lessons with quirky sentences.

Hence, it's my opinion
that the best way

for you to learn to
share the road with

cyclists is for you
to become one.

What does that mean exactly?

I'm suspending your
license for two weeks.

During that time,
your sole method

of transportation
will be a bicycle.

Oh come on, are you serious!

Might as well just throw me
in front of the firing squad.

Hey, would you shut up?
This sentence is a joke.

You could be going to jail.

No, I don't think you
understand, okay...

Do we have an
attorney-client privilege?

Yeah, of course.

I don't know how to
ride a bike, okay.

Wait, hold on,

you can't ride a bike!
He can't ride a bike!

Uh... of course I know
how to ride a bike.

I just... I don't want to.

Then you won't be going
anywhere. Case adjourned.

Um, excuse me?

Aren't I supposed to be
compensated for my injuries?

You'll be compensated
by watching Mr. Hoagies

learn a valuable lesson.

[dog toy squeak]

Um, I'd like to request
a less quirky judge.

Ugh. Leanne just posted
another sad Instagram.

I think she's depressed about
the divorce.

I should reach out.

Just take her to Atlantic City
to get hammered...

and make bad choices.

Uh no, Mark.

She doesn't need to party,
she needs to heal,

and as a fellow divorcee,
I feel like I got an

obligation to guide
her through this.

Oh come on. Hey hun, uh
you mind picking me up

some more PB Banana ba*ls?

No, I gotta go to work.

Why don't you just take
Darren's bike.

Uh, because it's an outdated and
inferior mode of transport.

Wow. Y'know, that doesn't sound
like someone who's open-minded.

Yo, would you stop
saying that okay,

my mind is so open,
it's gaping.

Ugh. Disgusting.

Gah, c'mon, stupid... UGH!

Hey, Mark.

Whoa, I don't think I've ever
seen you actually ride a bike.

Pfft, are you serious, Hank?

Okay, I rode a ton before
you were born, okay,

It's just... it's been a while.

Dyah... see you later, Hank.

Whoa, ah...
Dammit!

If you need help, y'know uh,
I'd be happy to teach you.

I know how to ride a bike, okay!

I just gotta get my
muscle memory back.

There we go.
There we go.

Whoa, ah!!
Alright. Fine.

I'm such a mess right now.

Last night I almost
bought a machine g*n

online because I thought I
heard a bear in the house.

Ugh, hey, divorce is rough.
I've been there.

Y'know, the best thing
I did was stop

mourning what I lost and
start celebrating what's next.

Surround yourself with people
who love you.

Say yes to new things.

Yes. I love that.

We should totally do a
divorceloratte party!

Wait. What?

You're a genius.
It's exactly what I need.

We'll go to AC, do some tequila
shots make some bad decisions.

Leanne, no, that's not what I--

I'll text you a list of my girls
so you can coordinate.

Oh. Thank you, Tammy.

You're seriously the best ever.

Yeah... Happy to help...

Yo, I'm doing it!
I'm riding a bike!

Yeah. You're doing great!

Oh yeah. You can already feel
my core strength building.

Just gotta dial in my
lactic acid threshold

so I can maintain
peak performance.

Uh... okay, uh... you wanna try
taking the training wheels off?

Uh, they're not training wheels
Hank, okay.

These are high-performance...
traction... stabilizers.

Tammy thinks of not open-minded
to new things?

Well look at me now!

Woah! Ah!
Frickin' automobiles.

Yo. Check it out, Hank.
Bike path.

Uh, but it says
expert riders only.

Cycling isn't about
experience, Hank.

It's about mindset.

Uh-oh.

Just stay calm, I got it.

Ooh.

Okay, just gotta
feather the brakes and uh--

Oh crap!
Whoa!

[crash!]

Yo, you alright?

Uh, I think so.
That was scary.

Nah nah, I was in
complete command.

Whoaaa.

Dude, what the...

Holy maca-frickin-roni.

Yo, this place
is quaint as hell.

It's like if mini-golf
was a town.

Ooh. "Cafe."
That sounds interesting...

Damn dude, this
place is classic.

This might be the
original Panera.

- Hallo und welcome.
Wait, you are new here!

Ah yeah. Mark Hoagies.
This is my brother, Hank.

Nice spot you got here, bud.

Ah, dank je.

I'm Christoffel,
owner of this café.

Gotta say, you know I've lived
in Glantontown my whole life.

I never even knew
this place existed.

Well, we have no motorways here,
so we don't get many visitors.

How did you find us?

Oh, I just rode my bike down
a little trail right there.

Are you crazy?
That is De Krag!

The most challenging descent
in all of Glantontown.

Wow. You must be a
very dedicated cyclist.

Yeah, I mean, you could say I'm
a bit of a cycling fanatic so...

Yeah, he's almost ready to take
off his training whe--

Could I offer you espresso?

Oh nice, dude.

This is like one of those uh,
little European baby coffees.

Hoo! It's a little strong!

So uh... what's the
deal with this place?

Little The Netherlands
was founded by

families of the
original Dutch settlers,

who were frustrated
to see what Glantontown

was becoming:
chain restaurants and

big-box stores,
giant parking lots

filled with obnoxious,
oversized SUV's.

Ah, I'm right there with you
dude, it's ridiculous.

So, we withdrew to
the woods and founded

a slower-paced
European-style community,

built around the
most efficient, civilized

mode of transportation
ever conceived: the bicycle.

Nice dude, yeah, sounds like
my kind of place.

Wonderful!

Would you like a singing tour
of our little town?

Oh yeah, dude. Let's do it!

♪ Let me guide you through
the wonders ♪

♪ of our cycling paradise.
Cute little shops, ♪

♪ fine tulip crops, windmills
are spinning in the sky ♪

♪ Stroopwafels, Appletaarts,
Limburg pie? Here have a slice ♪

♪ Our portions maybe
half the size, ♪

♪ but they still are
twice the price! ♪

♪ Welkom in hets
kleiner Nederlands! ♪

♪ Welcome to Little
The Netherlands! ♪

♪ You don't have
to tip our servers-- ♪

♪ No, they earn a living wage.

♪ But that's also why
you may not ♪

♪ get your check for
several days. ♪

♪ Our taxes pay for healthcare,
so we make it to old age ♪

♪ Then we offer euthanasia and
a lovely painted grave. ♪

♪ Welkom in hets
kleiner Nederlands! ♪

♪ Welcome to Little
The Netherlands! ♪

I gotta say, it's...
it's actually not bad.

Eh... I dunno.
Looks kinda like bait.

Oh no way. Is that one of those
caricature guys?

Oh man.
Those guys are hysterical.

Alright, can you do me as
James Bond riding a snowmobile?

No.

Alright, well, just take it
easy on me, alright.

The guy on the boardwalk went
a little nuts on the unibrow.

Whoa. What's that?

That's Little The
Red Light District.

Oh wow. Hey Mark,
I'm gonna go find

something to fix
that traffic light.

- Sounds good.

- Yoohoo!
- Ooh!

Hallo, handsome.

Oh, hey! You look like someone
who knows how to stop traffic.

Oh, you are quite the charmer.

Are you interested in the
ultimate red light experience?

Oh yeah, that'd be great.

I might uh, also need
some help getting it up.

Oh. Don't worry.
I'll handle that.

Let me tell you, I've been to
basically all the countries.

China, Morocco-- I even
did Norway before

it became the Frozen ride.

But this place might be my
favorite country in the world.

And it's right
here in Glantontown.

You are clearly a man of worldly
sophistication.

You will fit in well here.

'preciate that, bud.

You know, it's nice
to finally be seen

as the cultured,
worldly man that I am.

Hey, dude, is it
possible to add some

Wolverine claws to
my knuckles here?

- Christoffel!.

Who is your friend?

Oh, this is Mark.
He is from outer Glantontown.

Sup, dude?
Like the bib.

Mark, this is Grumpmeester.

He is the town
Dorpsburgemeester.

Oh yeah? You're the uh...
the Dorpsburgemeester?

Ah man.
Love the setup here, man.

This place is classic.
- Yes, it is.

And we intend to
keep it that way.

Man, what's that guy's deal?

Grumpmeester is
very protective of

our traditional
Dutch way of life.

This is why he closed our
only road to town.

Ah shame, man.

I feel like people would get
a real kick outta this place.

Okay. Here you go.

Not bad, eh?

Eh. Could be funnier.

So you're saying we
only get bottomless

mai-tais if we rent a
VIP cabana?

Hey where do we
keep the tiny cups?

Look in the top cabinet.

Got it.
Alright.

Then let's go ahead and
reserve that. Thank you.

Oh c'mon is-- this is literally
the only petite thing in here.

I don't know.
Just use a mug.

Uh yeah, no thanks, okay,

not everything needs to
be supersized.

What'd you do to your hair?

You look like diabetic He-Man.

Ah well, it's quite
popular at the cute

little European
enclave I chanced upon.

Y'know, it's pretty incredible
what you discover

when you're untethered by roads.

Ughhh...

Leanne wants me to make
everyone custom dime bags.

This is a frickin' disaster.

I tried to give Leanne
advice and somehow

I got roped into planning
a two-day bender.

Alright well, clearly
you're stressed.

Maybe you should
take a break and uh,

y'know, get some perspective.

Ah. Yeah. Sure.
Wooderhans?

Yeah, I was thinking somewhere
a little more uh... worldly.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
I got a lot of respect for

Mr. Met, but y'know, the
Phanatic,

man, he's on another level.

Wow, that's so interesting.

Okay, Mr. Hank.
We are out of time.

Oh. But you didn't even show
me the red lights.

Ya if you want to come back
tomorrow, I will be here.

Alright. See you then.

Uh, there is just the
matter of payment?

Payment...?
Did I buy something?

$200 per hour, plus
$600 for the overnight.

That will be $5,425 guilders.

Uh...

Yo, that cheese is legit, right?

I gotta say, this
place is adorable.

I love all the Danish stuff.

Uh, Dutch, Tam, okay.

This is Little The Netherlands,
not Little... Dane-land.

You know, this place would be

perfect for Leanne's
Divorcelorette.

It's exactly the right energy
she needs

to start her healing journey.

Charming, peaceful,
temptation-free...

Yeah... Thing is, y'know,

they're not really
big on tourists.

Uh. Aren't you a tourist?

Actually uh, the
locals have kinda

taken me in as one of their own.

You know, I think they see me
for who I really am:

a refined, open-minded,
man of the world.

Ooh. Look at that guy, Mark.
He's straight out of Shrek.

Maybe uh, chill with the pics.

Oh no way. This is going
on my story.

Oooh. I wanna see if that hat
shop sells bedazzled tulip hats.

Hey, can we get our bill!?
Been waiting forever over here!

Whoa whoa, Tam. Tam.
What are you doing?

What? Nobody's checked
on us in like 30 minutes.

Alright well, in certain
cultures, y'know,

it's considered rude to
be in a rush.

Okay well, in our culture, it's

rude to keep your
customers waiting.

Yoohoo!
Can we get the check over here?!

Alright, you know, maybe this
isn't really your scene.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just...
you know, you're

being a very American right now.

We're literally "In" America.

Oh man. Typical American.

Thinking the whole world
revolves around you.

You know, I'm impressed,

you've only been riding a
bike for three days

and you're already insufferable!

[sigh] Frickin' Americans.

Oho man, there she goes again!

Frickin' Elske laying the bonk
on Wim Wobble man,

It gets me every time.

You like the poppentheater?

Oh my God dude,
it's hysterical.

Man, Hank would love this.

Wait a minute.
Where's Hank?

Hey Grumps uh,
you seen my brother?

Oh yes.
We put him in prison.

Wait, what!

Hank?
You alright?

Oh man, I wanna go home, Mark.

I hear ya, but I mean honestly,
it doesn't look that bad, dude.

It's like a five-star hotel.
Is that a bidet?

Oh you don't understand, Mark.
They don't have hot dogs.

Just like these uh weird fancy
venison sausages.

And the mustard has seeds.

Oh boy. Alright. Hold tight.

I'm gonna get you
outta here, bud.

Yo, can I just pay whatever
the hell he owes?

Failure to pay a sex worker
is a serious violation here.

Uh... sure, but I just feel
like, y'know

life in prison's a bit much.

I mean, can you at least get
him some hot dogs?

He's already having
withdrawal symptoms.

Well. There is one option that

would grant him
immediate release.

You simply bring
a tulip to the queen.

Ah hell yeah. I knew it was
going to be some weird

little Dutch thing.
Yo, where's she at?

In her castle.
Right over there.

All you need to do is cross
that bridge... on your bike.

Hahahaha!

Oh uh. Gotcha. Yeah...

Ohh-- Is someone
smoking cigarettes?

They're cloves.

Please put that out.

Ughhh. Okay Mom.

Maybe we should focus
on helping Leanne heal.

Totally. Okay Leanne,
the first thing we need

to do is shut down
the sad thoughts.

Best way? Pre-game with shots of


Ugh love that!
- Oh my God yessss!

You know, Leanne...

there's a free sunrise
breath work meditation

on the beach tomorrow morning.

[silence]

Yeah, totally.

Orrrr... we could get matching
underboob tattooooos!

[cheering]

You know, I think I'm gonna...
gonna walk this one.

Ah-ah. Bikes only.

Shouldn't be a problem for an

experienced bike
rider like yourself.

Ah, yeah... So here's the thing,
you know, my bike's

still in the shop, so...

- Actually, good news--
It is repaired!

The Fietsenmaker was even
nice enough to

re-attach your...
training wheels.

Mark?!
Training wheels?

But... I-- I thought
you were experienced.

Uh, yeah?
I am, okay?

The real ones know
that training wheels

actually make riding
more challenging, okay.

It's like running with weights.

Well then, let's make it easier.

Alright... 'Preciate that, yeah.

Well love to stay in chat, but
I've got a date with the queen.

Alright. You got this.

No whoa whoa whoa-- Ah!

- Oh, embarrassing...

Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!
Wooooo!

Hey giiirrllls. My drug dealer
just texted,

we get 30% off if we
hide his g*ns in our room.

Oh my God, yaaaas!
- Wooo!

Okay. Enough!
[screech]

I love you, hun, but I cannot
let you do this to yourself.

What?! This is exactly
what I need right now.

I can assure you this is the
last thing you need right now.

Don't listen to her, Leanne.
You deserve this.

Actually, what she
deserves is friends who

don't enable
self-destructive behavior.

So buckle up, b*tches.

We're going on
a healing journey.

[screech]

Tammy!
What the hell are you doing!

You put me in charge, so now
I'm taking charge.

Where are we going?

Somewhere a little more
culturally elevated.

He does not belong here.

Maybe he does not have the
cycling skills he claims,

but he has embraced
our way of life.

He even added an
extra "a" to his name.

No no no no,
It starts with one tourist,

before you know it, your café
will be replaced by a Starbucks,

our shoe-maker, will become
a Foot Locker!

Our queen's castle?
A Ripley's, Believe It or Not!

[gasps]

Alright, listen-- sure, maybe
I don't know how to ride a bike.

and yeah, maybe the only reason
I did was because

it was court-mandated.

but at least I tried to open my
mind to something new.

Maybe you could do the same
about normal American stuff.

I know you all think we're a
bunch of

lazy, wasteful, selfish idiots

who get their news from
Facebook memes.

And yeah, maybe we are.

But that doesn't mean we don't
have some good things too.

Riding a bike, it's great, but

sometimes it's nice to
just park your

big-a*s car in a big-a*s
parking a lot

of some big-a*s department
store where you buy a bunch

of random crap made in China.

I mean what's
the point of being all

"cultured" if you're just
gonna be smug and

elitist about it?
Because in the end, isn't

that what being open-mind
is all about.

Taking the best things
from all cultures.

Well, that was... enlightening.

I think our American
friend made a really

compelling case... for
why we do not allow--

- Watch out!

... tourists!

Oh my God,
this place is redonk.

Is this where they shot
Beauty and the Beast?

I know!

Like I'm literally Emily
in Paris right now.

Oh my God are those
tanning booths?

Where are we even?

Little Danishland.

No. Frickin'. Way.

Okay, Leanne.
I'm telling you.

This is the perfect place to
recenter and find inner peace...

Leanne?

I've got the milk from the well!

Eh, screw it.

Guards!
Deport these heathens!

Yes, Grumpmeester!

Mark?
You came back?

Of course I did.
Wooden shoe?

[crash]

Hell yeah!

Someone get a pic of me
on this giant fan!

Guards!
Stop this madness!

Ugh!
Someone do something!

You know, maybe
you should be more

open-minded about
this tourist thing.

I mean, they do spend
a lot of money.

Thanks!

Oop!
I need another one.

Oh my God.

Are you like an
artist or something?

I would literally give you
a thousand dollars for that.

So... they just spend money
but they do not stay.

Exactly. And you know, with
this revenue we could

finally add a spa to the
prison gym.

Uh-- Can I help you?

You look like an
albino mushroom.

... Okay?

it's so hot.

So uh... what happened to
Atlantic City?

I decided to take Leanne
somewhere more cultured.

You know, so she wouldn't do

anything...
self-destructive.

I guess you can
lead a horse to water,

but you can't make it
not do tequila shots.

Well, I'm glad you showed up.

Turns out, this isn't
really my scene.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Y'know, travel
really opens your eyes

to just how closed-minded
every culture is.

Hey guys? I think Ashley just
died in the tanning bed.

Wow. So many options!

My mind, it spins.

I can't believe you've never
been to a Wowo's. Haha.

Well, I have spent my whole life

thinking I had
everything I needed.

Turns out, I was just too scared
to see what else is out there.

I am going to try
one of these "hoagies."

Sounds good, babe.

Leanne?

Steve?

Who's the pilgrim?

His name is Grumpmeester.

Grumpmeester?
The hell kind of name is that?

He's Dutch.

Yeah alright, alright.

Anyway, I gotta get outta here.

I'm meeting up with some chick
from Tinder for a little

"Hulu and Chill."
- Have fun with that.

- Who was that guy?
- Nobody.

You want an Italian shortie?

No.

No, I don't.