02x17 - Markumentary

[bunniefuu]

[murmurs]

Hi, everybody.
Thanks for coming to the

world premiere of my
prestige documentary:

Universal Basic Guys.

[polite clapping]
Thank you.

Thank you everyone.

It's always been my dream to

make award-winning
documentaries.

I wanna give a quick
shout out to my A.D.,

Jared Bouchard, who uh,
was the first and only

person to respond
to my Facebook post.

What a ride man!
Love ya brotha!

Anyway, without
further ado, I am thrilled

to finally share this
passion project with you all.

Wooo!
Let's go Jinglebells!

Yo, you're about to be married
to a reality star, Tam.

We're gonna be the next
"The Situation."

I just want to let
everyone know,

this has not been
vetted by Humantis'

legal team and will likely never
be released.

Boooo!

Oh God! Jared!
Come on!

Oh! Oh man! My uh, my b!

Wrong video. Haha.
I'm so sorry.

Ah, there we go.

Enjoy!

♪ [Piano/Cello -
documentary style] ♪

Crazy man. I did this walk
every day, 15 years.

So what brought
you back here today?

To reflect on the
trauma of obsolescence?

Uh... you?

You said you wanted to film us
going back to the factory.

Hank c'mon dude, you're not
supposed to say that.

You can't break the fourth wall.

He's never, uh, he's never been
on set before, so...

Yeah, so it's
been, uh, two years

since we got laid
off from the factory,

and so Humantis is
throwing his big, uh,

reunion ceremony
thing in a few weeks, so...

We thought we'd pop back in, s--
jus' kinda see what's going on.

Do a little reminiscing, a
little reflecting, you know.

Aw, c'mon... Ah--

Guess they got the
doors locked now, pfft.

Unbelievable.

You're supposed to pull.

Ohp. Okay yep.
There we go.

They must have changed that
since, uh... You know.

Man, it's like
nothing's changed.

Except that everybody who
works here is a robot now.

[TV] Humantis shares are
up 12% in pre-market

trading after the
company announced

its latest innovation...
the AVIA-4,

a versatile automated
humanoid robot

they claim will revolutionize
manufacturing,

reducing labor
costs by up to 90%.

Yeah, I mean I remember
walking in and

you could just--
you could feel

it in the air.
Something was off.

At first I thought it was
"Bring Your Kid to Work Day"

and uh-- everybody had
robot kids.

Everyone else was like,
"Yo, this is awesome"

and I was like,
"Nah dude, this is bad."

Oh we all knew this was bad.
Except for Thumbhead Hoagies.

He kept grinning like
an idiot and rubbing

his hands together, saying it
was gonna be a "game changer."

So Big Mike gathered us for
an emergency all hands.

I didn't know what was going on.

I was like, oh damn, he found
my hentai folder.

Boss was like listen,
I don't really need

people to run
these machines,

and the bad news is,
you guys are people.

And that was the end of that.

Did you feel bad
about automating the

factory and laying off
all your employees?

Oh yeah, I definitely lost
some sleep over it.

Honestly, it was probably harder
on me than it was on them.

Whoa. Is this the
new hot dog taster?

Yep. I call him Hank 2.0.

It uses a wide-spectrum
laser scanner,

than the human tongue.

Whoa.

Pfft. I mean obviously Hank is
replaceable, but sales?

Nah that's all
about people skills.

There's no way these droids
have been hitting my numbers.

Pretty sure Big Mike regrets
letting me go.

Mark? Ah, well I switched to
online sales years ago.

I didn't even realize we still
had a sales team.

I thought Mark
worked in shipping.

Robots suck!

Robots suck!

Robots suck!

Robots suck!

P-E-O-P-L-E people!

I mean yeah,
everybody was pretty mad.

But Alfred was real mad.

Screw you Big Mike!

Screw Humantis!

Greedy corporate b*stards!

If you had to describe
Alfred Millings in one word...

Passionate.

Definitely passionate.

Hothead.

Angry drunk.

- Unstable.
- Hot dog.

Nuts.

I mean that guy
was straight-up nuts.

Good guy, though.
Good guy.

Alright, here's the deal okay.

We are officially
in "The Terminator."

It's man vs robots.
Only one can survive.

So we gotta go back in time?

The hell are you talking about?

In Terminator, don't they send

Schwarzenegger
back in time to protect

the kid from American History X?

No. That's Terminator 2.

In "The Terminator",
they send Kyle Reese

back in time to
protect Sarah Connor.

Schwarzenegger's the bad guy.

Yeah, the T-1000.

No, he's the T-800.
Robert Patrick is the T-1000.

Would you all shut the hell up
about the damn Terminator!

Time for action!

I'm going down there!

Uhhhh... what's he doing?

Alfred?!

[smash...crash]

Alfred!
What are you doing, man?

Something I should have done
a long time ago!

You think we're replaceable?!
Replace this!

[operator]

No Hank, he's frickin' hot dogs!

Oh boy, that's not good.

Ay yo Hank, tell them I just
got put in a ten pack.

To Alfred.

Rest in Bun, brother.

Hey, at least he died doing what
he loved, y'know?

Making hot dogs.

Dude. Frickin' Alfred, man.

Miss him every day.

Didn't have to be this way.

Ya know, you got
some nerve, Thumbhead.

Acting like you give
a crap about Alfred.

Mary? I don't know what her
deal is, man.

If I'm being honest,
I think she's just a

little bitter because
she's always

had a thing for me, y'know?

Alright, c'mon Mary,
why you gotta

give me crap all the time?

Cause you got us
all canned, Hoagies.

The hell you talking about?

You're the reason Big Mike
automated the factory.

That's ridiculous, okay!
You're nuts, Mary.

David showed us the tape.

Tape?
What tape?

Ay yo, boss. You see these
new Humantis robots?

Oh my god.
Yo, they're unbelievable.

No, I haven't.
Impressive.

Dude, I'm telling
you, these things

are like the future
of manufacturing.

Gonna be a total game changer.

You always gotta run
your mouth, Hoagies.

Oh, please, okay.
That's selective editing.

You cut it off right
before I told him

how the robots can
never replace people.

Dude they can
do like, everything

people can do, but
like 500 times better.

And you don't even
have to pay 'em.

Well, if anything,
y'know, I did

you guys a favor'
'cause, ya know,

we got UBI now.
So... you guys should

be thanking me, to be honest!

Protests erupted today
at the headquarters

of Humantis, after
the tragic death of

Alfred Millings, the

worker who died Tuesday after
falling into a meat grinder.

Friends say it was
an act of protest

against the factory replacing
its human workers with robots.

Yo, you guys suck!

You guys suck!

His name was Alfred!

His name was Alfred!

His name was Alfred!

That was when we realized, okay,

we've got a problem
on our hands.

I'm Andrea Ito.

I oversee public
relations at Humantis.

There was a small
but vocal group of...

activists who tried to spin this

into some kind of
a martyr situation.

- And what about the
fact that your AVIA-4s

inspected the Alfred
hot dogs and still

sent them down the
line for packaging?

- Are you serious?

- Andrea, it's my job to ask
difficult questions.

I have to be objective.

- Okay, well, it's my job that's
funding your little movie.

I wanted to wait it out.

Humans tend to have
a limited attention span.

But our PR team felt we
should get in front of this.

- So what was your solution?

U.B.I.

Though Humantis was
found in no way liable

for what happened...
at the Glantontown

Hot Dog Factory, we
recognize the impact our

revolutionary
technologies have on the

workforce, as we transition
toward an automated future.

Today, I'm proud
to announce that

Humantis... in partnership
with the township of

Glantontown, will be launching

an experimental
UBI pilot program.

- Would you say the program
has been a success?

Uh, from a public relations
standpoint, yes.

It mitigated a lot of the
initial backlash.

However, I remain agnostic as to

whether U.B.I can be
a long-term solution.

- Mm. So what does that
mean for the program?

I'm unsure.

I'll wait until the
two-year reunion

to hear their personal accounts.

If I'm convinced it's
made a meaningful

impact, I'll consider
extending it.

- And if not?

Then I'll end the program.

This here are some
of my rare comics.

I find a lot of
inspiration and moral

perspective in our modern myths.

- Who are some of the
superheroes that inspire you?

Hmm.

I would say Lex Luthor,
The Maker, and Ozymandias.

- So what exactly are
you hoping to see at

this reunion that would convince
you to keep the program going?

I would like to see that the

money has been
used productively.

- So how have you
been using your UBI?

I was in a dark
place after the layoffs.

But now I'm able to spend
more time with my kids.

I'm actually coaching my son's
little league team now...

And I'm training to be an EMT.

And was that something you've
always been interested in?

Nah I just Googled "Jobs that
are Safe from Automation."

I've actually been contributing
a lot to the community.

- Oh, so like charity work?

Uh... more like
online communities.

I make digital content for,
you know, certain fandoms.

- Oh God. Is that Gumby?!

Thanks to U.B.I.
I've been able to

focus on some of
my personal projects.

Oh! Ohh! Oh! My ponytail!

- Oh God, Ahp sorry!

I rescue and rehabilitate sick
and injured possums.

People hate 'em because
they're scary looking,

but they're actually our
friends. I mean they

eat ticks and they
clean up dead animals.

- And would you have been able
to do this without UBI?

Oh, no.

Uh, believe it or not,
there's not really

much money in
possum sanctuaries.

So we just gotta
show them we haven't

been putzing around
and wasting the money.

Hmm, well, I can
talk about Bry's Pies,

my boutique artisan pie company
I started out of my house.

No way, Pete from logistics,
how you doing buddy?

Bryan Eggbert.
I worked in accounting.

We've met many times.

Ohh, gotcha, okay.

Well, if I'm being
honest, I'm not sure

baking apple pies or saving
raccoons is gonna cut it.

He said "meaningful impact."
Not... whatever you're doing.

Oh yeah? The hell have you
been doing the last two years?

Pfft. Uh, all kinds of stuff.

♪ [action]

I'm like the role model for UBI.
I should be the frickin' mascot.

You already cost us our jobs.

You better not cost
us this program.

Maybe sit this one out.

Pfft! Are you kidding me?

I'm the one who's
gonna save this program.

So I heard from a little birdie
that Otto's into comic books.

Well, what better way to impress

him than by
becoming a superhero?

- Have you ever done a procedure
like this before?

No. But I'm always
up for a challenge.

- And would you
say this is ethical?

Look, I'm a cosmetic plastic
surgeon, not a cardiologist.

My Sixers season tickets aren't
gonna pay for themselves. Haha.

- What do you think is driving
Mark's hero complex?

Is it male fragility?

A crisis of meaning now that
society's deemed him obsolete?

I think he's just an idiot.

Oo, ah, but I love him.

Love you, hun!

- Are you sure you want to
do this to yourself?

Uh-uh, it's not about me, okay?

This is about sacrificing for
the greater good.

It's about doing what
it takes to save the

program and showing
stupid Mary that I'm

actually a great example of
a UBI success story.

Also, it's gonna be
cool as hell, so c'mon.

Alright, count
backwards from 10.

And by the time you get to 5,
you'll already be drifting off.

Yeah okay, dude.

Let me tell you, I got a
crazy tolerance, okay,

I'll make it to 0 no problem.

[snoring]

- How are you feeling?

Like someone who's about to save
the UBI program.

Boom.
Wolverine claws, baby.

Let's go!

Oh man, look at these things.
Yo, how awesome is this?

Ah! Come on.
Co-- ah!

Must have gone into the 2x4.
Dammit.

- Aren't they supposed
to retract?

Nah that was like,
three times more

expensive, so I just
got the basic package

where they... always
kinda sticking out.

Gah! C'mon...

Yo, edit that out.

Hey Tam, can you help me out
here in the downstairs bathroom?

Hey Jigglebells, can
you uh... help me here?

Uh, kinda need a wipe boy...

- Can you tell us
what you're doing?

So I'm patrolling
the streets here,

looking for any shady activity.

Trying to get some uh,
heroic acts

under my belt
before the ceremony.

Maybe some good
press about a vigilante

superhero keeping
Glantontown safe.

That way Otto can
see I'm the real deal.

- What's with the eye patch?

Had a little mishap brushing my
teeth the other day.

Hey, how you doin'?
Sup?

Gotta be vigilant, okay?

There's a lotta crime
in this area.

Yeah so uh, not a lot of illicit
activity today uh...

Just one guy parked in
a handicapped spot but,

had his flashers on,
so I let it slide.

Definitely deterred
a lot of crimes though.

Criminal see these bad boys
are just like "Nope. Not today."

- So what's your plan
for the ceremony?

Hmm. I'm just gonna have to do
what they do in the comic books.

Create my own
superhero situation.

For the greater good, of course.

- How are you feeling
about today?

Not gonna lie.
I'm a little nervous.

A lot riding on this.

I'm excited.
It's kinda like a talent show.

We'll be okay.

So long as Thumbhead Hoagies
doesn't show up.

Oh, hell no.

Welp. It's over.

Mm... oh yeah.
- What the hell are you doing?

Uh... saving the UBI
program, that's what.

You better not
screw this up for us.

Alright Mary, c'mon,

why don't you cut it with all
the salty stuff, okay.

We all know what's going on.

You're attracted to me, and
you're mad that I'm married.

I'm g*y.

You know what, that tracks,
that actually tracks.

Hey look.
Otto's here.

Oh baby.
Showtime.

So I guess I just
wanna say, thanks Humantis,

for giving me the dough
to start Bry's Pies.

[applause]

And so as I reflect
on two years,

I guess you could say,
UBI's been a real lifesaver.

With all of this
new free time,

I have been able to
watch almost all the

Phillies games and I enjoy
spending time with my brother.

Also, I learned
how to play piano.

Thank you.

Whoohoo! Yeah! Go Hank!

Ah. Whoops.

Ah, sorry about that,

no big deal, just a crap
mic s-- uh, mount.

Some of you may see
UBI as merely money.

But to me, it is my
origin story.

Two years ago, Alfred died.

But from his ashes,
a hero was born.

A lot of people say that UBI
is free money,

but I don't see it that way.

To me, it is a debt to which
I must repay society.

And so, thanks to
Humantis, I have

committed myself to a life of

sacrifice in the
name of justice.

Not today!

Oh, wait.
Not my line.

Hold on.
Oh, yeah.

I have been sent from the future
to destroy Humantis.

Not today!

Hey, watch it.

Oh God.
Ughhhhh.

Time out. Time out one sec.

[crowd gasps]
What the hell, dude?

Where's the stab-proof
vest I got you?

Ohhhh...Dah, I knew
I forgot something.

Okay, not to alarm
everyone, but this is

actually my friend
Eric... and he needs

some immediate
medical attention.

I figured he'd do something
stupid, but this was next level.

[sighs]
Man...

Everything was going really well

until whatever
the hell that was.

It's okay.
You're okay.

The first thing we need to do is
stop the bleeding.

Mark, don't move.
- Oooh!

Mark! What the hell
is wrong with you?!

I just said don't move.

Sorry. I figured I was supposed
to pull the claws out first.

Oh no...
it's my blood...

Oooh...

Oh man... Oh...

Great job Hoagies.
You blew it.

We were supposed
to look productive

and instead you stabbed your
friend with Wolverine claws.

...Well you know what?
Maybe that's the problem.

Everybody's saying
we gotta be productive,

but isn't that what
the robots are for?

I mean, the whole
point of automation is

so the robots can
do all the boring work

and people can be
free to do whatever

the hell they want
with their lives.

Why do we always
gotta feel bad about

hanging out or
watching the Phillies,

or playing video
games... or uh...

getting metal claws surgically
implanted in our knuckles?

What happened to just... I don't
know, being fun?

I mean, maybe I'm crazy, but I

thought that's what
UBI is all about.

So we can stop
bein' stressed out all

the time and just enjoy life
for once in our...

life.

Now if you'll excuse
me, I gotta go find a

first aid kit because
I just accidentally

stabbed myself in the leg.

Thank you everyone for
sharing your stories and...

whatever that last display was.

It has made what was a difficult
decision, much easier.

After careful consideration...
I have decided

to continue the UBI program.
Thank you.

[crowd cheers]

Yeah you like that, David?

I was against the
ropes there for a

minute, but then pop-pop,
pulled the Rocky and

crushed it with
that speech, dude.

I saved the frickin' day.

- So how did you
come to that decision?

Was it Mark's speech?

No.

Mark's display
reminded me that humans

are highly irrational,
emotional beings.

And if they don't have
some way to meet

their basic needs,
they get desperate.

And I do not wish to be stabbed
by Wolverine claws.

- Will UBI be humanity's
answer as we

endeavor into an
increasingly automated future?

That question remains
to be answered.

But for now, at
least in Glantontown,

the experiment continues.

Man these hot
dogs are terrible.

Maybe robots can't
replace us after all.

I know, right?

Yo, are these from the factory?

I think so.

Yeah, I got them from your
basement freezer.

Oh my God.

Uh, hey guys...

Uh... I think we just
ate Alfred.

[puking]

[applause]

Dude, that was frickin' awesome,
David!

Man, I'm gonna
blow up from this.

I gotta get an agent.

I gotta say that was better
than I thought it was gonna be.

Wow, thanks.

You think Humantis will approve
it for release?

No chance. I need you
to destroy it immediately.

Oh, come on!

Oh uh, hey everyone, so...

As you know, I uh,
learned a little piano

and, uh, I wrote a song
inspired by David's movie.

♪ Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory ♪

♪ Until them robots came
along ♪

♪ And now there is
no job for me ♪

♪ But I get three thousand
bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI ♪

♪ Now we're
Universal Basic Guys ♪

♪ It may not sound like much
much but we're still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just
Universal Basic Guys ♪