01x17 - Drive-ory Tower

[bunniefuu]

Sorry it took so long. The line
at the burrito place was crazy.

- Also, I don't like being here.
- Mm.

What?
Did he lose his protein powder?

Uh, Vic thinks
a bird has declared w*r

- on the DMV, and he's gonna fight it.
- Ugh.

The crow in the parking lot?

I told you,
don't bother that bird.

It's way smarter than you.

He's a bully!

He terrorizes anyone

who gets near histree.

Oh, yeah. What business
does a bird have in a tree?

The guy clocks me driving up,
and he starts stepping.

Like, right off the bat,
steps right up.

- Ooh.
- Got that look on his face.

Uh, does he say anything?

Yeah.

- Looks at me and "Caw! Caw-caw!"
- Oh.

"Caw! Caw! Caw!"

- It's hate-screech.
- Mm-hmm.

And it stops today,
'cause today,

I stand up for the walkers.

- Thank you for your service.
- Mm. Way to go.

Found what I was looking for.

Battle mode engaged.

I'll figure it out.

Yeah, it's good. It's good.

- He's not well.
- Mm-mm.

FYI, I, um... I might not be
too chatty today.

- Great.
- 'Cause I can finally

dig into this new book, Wild.

It's about this tough woman
who finds herself while hiking.

Oh, yeah, the new book that
the 2014 movie was based on?

Yeah, I remember,
and I rented the DVD

from a library,
back when they had DVDs.

And libraries.

Real funny, and real rich,
coming from a guy

who doesn't know how to turn
the flashlight off on his phone.

I know how.

Like that.

Oh, my God.

What? Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Caw! Caw! Caw!

Caw, caw, caw! Caw, caw, caw!

Ooh. Sneak attack.

You caw!

- I don't know who I'm rooting for.
- I do.

Aah!

Run, Vic! Run!

- Oh, my God.
- It got the umbrella.

Oh, wow.

Uh, excuse me?

Um, what are you doing, throwing
your smelly trash over here?

The cans in the driving examiner
area were full-ish,

so I thought
I'd put it in the big boy.

You know that janitors
only come at night, right?

And the big boy fills up
pretty quickly.

It's us counter workers
that are throwing the trash

into the dumpsters all day long.

Actually, it's just me.

- Exactly.
- I don't mind, though.

I like the exercise.
Plus, it hardly ever drips.

- That's so nice of you.
- My God.

- You are such a DEB.
- A deb?

Is that like...
Oh, like a debutante.

"DEB" stands
for "Driving Examiner Babies."

That's what everybody calls
you behind your backs.

- What? Why?
- It's 'cause

you all act like you deserve
special treatment, like babies.

I don't think
I deserve special treatment.

When was the last time you
cleaned out the coffee maker?

I put the carafe in the sink.

And I don't even drink coffee
anymore.

I switched to matcha
because it's healthier.

- Right.
- And you avoid that, like, mid-morning crash.

All I heard was, "DEB, DEB,
DEB, DEB, DEB, matcha.

- DEB, DEB, DEB."
- Don't sound like that.

You guys swear you're better
than everyone else.

Counter workers,
security, janitors.

Excuse me.
I'm a woman of the people.

- Oh.
- And you can't use the word "janitor" anymore.

The term is
"custodial engineer."

"DEB, DEB, DEB, not janitor,
DEB, DEB, DEB."

Next!

I don't have all day. Let's go.

- You really need a matcha.
- You can go.

I'm gonna bring you one.

Hey.

Hey. Birdman's still at it.

Hey, you are not going
to believe this.

Apparently, people call us DEBs.

- It stands for...
- Driving Examiner Babies.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Back in my day,

the "B" stood
for something different.

Ceci says that we think
we're better than everyone.

Yes, we are.

The best day of my life was
when I became a DEB

and stopped being a "county."

Do not call
counter workers that.

Why didn't I know
about any of this?

Because you skipped working
at the counter

and went right to becoming
a driving examiner somehow.

Because I have a college degree,
Gregg.

- I do, too.
- Mm.

What other difference
between you and I

would put you on the fast track?

- Mm.
- Hmm.

Maybe 'cause I'm younger
and a female.

Yeah, those are
the only differences.

I get it.

You maybe have shredded
my umbrella,

but you'll never
shred my spirit.

Really?

Ugh, that is...

What in Dolly Parton's America
happened to your head flap?

That darn crow ambushed me.

Fell right into his trap.

Animals can be territorial.

My cats claimed
my indoor bathroom.

- You need to get that ear checked out.
- Nah.

- It's fine. I'm a quick healer.
- Aah. I'm serious.

You need to see a doctor.

Don't believe in 'em.

Never been sick for more
than a day.

All right, I'm gonna
go pound these Figgy Newts

and take down that crow.

No biggie.
It's just a little gift, gratis.

Other driving examiners
might be DEBs, but not this one.

Nope, this one...
this one gets it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
More cans means more time

for trash
to sit out here in our area.

Colette, you just gifted us
two stink bombs.

I was trying to help.

I just want
to make things easier

for all
the counter professionals.

Easier? You want to know
what would make things easier?

If we had any of the benefits

that you
and those other two idiots have.

Better pay,
downtime in between tests,

no customers that suck up to us
because they want to pass.

Oh, God. Best of all,
you guys have your own private,

first-class lounge.

Do you mean our desks?

Yeah. A quiet sanctuary,
away from customers.

God, even our regional manager
has her own space,

and she's never even here.

Those reegies.
I've had it up to here.

Give me some.

Please don't. Yeah.

We are on display
like animals at a zoo,

except for at this zoo,

the people watching us
are also animals.

I'm so sorry.
I'm-I'm on my break.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm actually on my break, too,

except I'm a medical doctor

who will be returning
to a life-saving surgery.

So...

whose time is more valuable?

I'm indicating balance,
but in reality, it is my time.

We can't even

finish our paperwork, let alone
get a second to ourselves.

It's always,
"I have a surgery to get to,"

"Oh, I have kids to pick up,"

"Oh, please, can you stash this
bag underneath your counter?

I'll be back for it
in three weeks."

I have to deal with stuff, too.

Like... drivers,

and... examining them.

Now serving G...

Since nobody sits here,

feel free to use it
whenever you need to.

- Mi casa es su... desk.
- Nah.

This feels like a set-up.

Like when a department store
puts a rack of clothing outside.

This is not a set-up.
It's just an olive branch,

which is, you know,
a symbol of peace.

But you know,
I'm not trying to DEB-splain.

- So we can really take our breaks here?
- Yeah.

Because, as Ceci pointed out,

the wasps in the break room
are mating.

- Yeah, they are.
- Yeah.

Hey, is it okay if I, um, listen

to some really cool,
woodwind-only music?

Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just... I just want you
to make this your own. Yeah.

- I just...
- I'm here to help and uplift.

Actually, this is really nice.

I have plenty of room
to bedazzle the hats

for my high school reunion.

Absolutely.

- Ah. Didn't know we were expecting company.
- Mm.

Is this my retirement party?

Please be my retirement party.

We are just opening things up,

'cause there's no divisions
at the DMV.

I can't hear what you're saying,

'cause there's still some beak
in my ear canal.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I can tell by the shapes

your mouth is making that
it's a big pile of doggie doobs.

You're both such DEBs.

Can you just trust me?

I think this is gonna
be so much better.

All right!
So this is the hang zone.

- What's up, Scottie?!
- Hey.

The g*ng from Written Tests
will be here in a minute.

You know, they're just nuking
some fish sticks.

Oh.

Mm.

What's that disease

where it really bothers you
when people are chewing

close to your ear? Yeah.

Really glad I don't have that.

Ah.

This is exactly what I wanted.

Shut up.

Shut up right now.
Oh, my God. No me digas.

Bianca is not coming to
the reunion. You are kidding me.

You are kidding me. I bet you

she's gonna stuff the ballot
for Best Hair.

If it's anything
like high school,

it's not the only thing
she's gonna be stuffing.

Ah! My God.

That girl cannot post a picture
on Instagram

without using the Paris filter,
I swear, girl.

How's your utopia?

We're all adjusting to progress.

Yeah. Does this extra noise
make it a little harder

for me to focus on one woman's
journey from lost to found?

Sure, but that's...
It's a small price to pay...

Hey, is that Wild?

- Oh. Isn't it incredible?
- Yeah, so far.

I'm just having a little trouble
getting into it.

Hey, you wait until the moment
where she uses heroin.

I did not see it coming.

Oh, my God. I swear.

How does it feel to have
something wonderful ruined?

There is no way
the Salazar twins are going.

And one of them got ugly?
I told you.

I freaking called it
when I was 15 years old.

I knew she was gonna get fat.

I am still stuck here,
so tell the anesthesiologist

that we'll be starting late.

I guess just put my smoothie
in the freezer.

Straw out.

Oh. Uh, got to go.

I hear you're a doctor.
I'm the manager, Barb.

Well, Barb, you remind me a lot
of my ex-wife,

because I'm waiting,
waiting, waiting.

"Oh, what's that?
We missed our flight?"

Seriously,
this is worse than the ER.

Listen, I can get you
out of here quick

if you do me
a small, little favor.

Teat for tat.

You're saying if I help you,

you'll bump me
to the front of the line?

I'm not gonna give you
any pills, though.

I don't have
my prescription pad on me.

Actually, you know what?

Let me see if I have any loosies
in my purse.

Usually got a couple
of those suckers in here.

Uh, uh, what, lady?

You think just because
you're a doctor,

I'm gonna bump you up
to the front of the line?

Get out of here.

Uh-oh.

Go! ill*gal move by the doctor!

Go!

Double back to test.

You got to go.

Okay, I actually...

I do want
to get you a prescription.

Or something, but we can...
talk about that later.

Okay. Thank you.

Empty.

Ooh.

Yes.

Hi, Gregg.

Colette turned me on
to this new book...

The Outliers
by Malcolm Gladwell.

- Have you read this?
- It's not new.

How can you both be like this?

And where is Colette?

I... I don't know.
I'm not too sure.

But have you read this?

I didn't need to read it.
Colette talked to me about it

for 10,000 hours.

Oh, my God, Gregg.

That is a major premise
of this book.

You're just gonna stay straight,
and you won't turn right

until you hit the hot dog stand
with the wiener man on the top.

Here's a random question to pass
time during the driving test.

Do you feel like
you have a fever?

- Fever?
- Headache? Tenderness?

Difficulty urinating?

Whoa. What's with the 'gaish?

Interrogaish.

Um, the q...
uh... all the questions?

I have a friend
who'd be perfect for you.

I hate her.

Anyway, your ear is oozing
on my headrest.

- Ew.
- Tell me, can you hear this?

Hear what?

What? Do you not know
how to snap?

I mean, everyone knows
it's like this.

Oh, God.
I can't make a sound, either.

What's wrong? Are we dead?

Here, drive into that tree.

No. You can make a sound.

You just can't hear it,
'cause your ear's infected.

I'm a doctor.

Well, surgeon.

I make six figures.

And that's after settlements.

Anyway, your manager asked me
to take a look.

Barb put you up to this?

I don't know.
All I can see is a vest.

Barb? You had a doctor examine
me while I was examining her?

What kind of a confusing,

one-hour procedural drama
is this?

I'm sorry, but you needed
medical attention.

That's the only kind
of attention I don't need.

Now serving B30 at window...

What's the diagnosis, Doc?

The diagnosis, uh,
is that the DMV sucks.

And also,
that man does need antibiotics.

And possibly a psych eval.

- That's what I thought.
- In fact, I would

recommend a psych eval for

nearly everyone who works here.

Whoa.

What is going on?

Why is everyone in my...

um, in Patty's office?

Uh-oh. Looks like somebody sent
all the riffraff here,

so that he could have some peace
at his desk.

Sorry
about your secret hideaway.

It's not a secret hideaway.
It is just a place to come

between stressful driving tests
that, you know,

is free from the stank
of microwaved fish.

But you didn't
tell anyone about it,

which is curious,
because I thought

you didn't want any division.

I don't. It's just,
there's a lot of them,

and not to generalize,
but they are loud,

and they chew
with their mouths open.

And this is why

things are the way they are, and
it's pointless to make a change.

It's not pointless.
It's important.

I just... I didn't how many
of them would be on a break

so often, and I'm just trying

to get away for a few minutes
to read a book

that I already know
the ending of

because someone
ruined it for me.

But I can't even sit at my desk,

because my chair is covered
in rhinestones.

But then, I finally find
a little space for myself.

And I walk in to see
it's also been taken over

by a bunch of fricking counties.

Classic DEB, right?

Did you just call us counties?

Oh, my God. I-I can't believe
that I-I said that.

Wow, Colette. Just wow.

I have never
used that word before,

except when discussing municipal
geography, like L.A. County.

- Sorry. I said it again.
- No, no, no.

Admit it. You're a DEB...

a Driving Examiner Baby.

Ceci, I was just trying
to bring everyone together.

I don't know why, because

you clearly think
you are so much better than us.

You know what? Counties,

let's go back
to where we came from, okay?

You don't have to go. We can
all stay, like Scottie, my boy.

Noa, please.

- We're still good, right?
- Well...

Monica. Jill.

I mean, it's Joyce, is it?

It's Jilloyce.
You went to her wedding.

Jilloyce.
How's that flatware working out?

You know what I think, Colette?

I think you'll never understand
what it's like

to work behind a counter
'cause you haven't had to.

That's why you're so clueless.

Oh, look,

you got your secret place
back again.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't go back in time
and work the counter.

You're gonna say, "Unless..."

- Unless.
- Yup.

Colette, what...
what are you doing?

The work, Noa.

I'm doing the work.

Specifically, though,
what is the work?

Is there a log-in?

You know...
I'll figure it out.

- Okay.
- When Barb gave me permission,

she didn't exactly tell me
what to do.

Hello, sir. Welcome to the DMV.

I need this boat registered
by noon, or I lose my kids.

I didn't know
that we did water vehicles.

How about that?
Noa, is there a boat button?

They really threw me
in the deep end here.

Boat humor.

Whoops. I have...
I've locked myself out.

Yeah. I'd like to go

on the record to say that I...

Whoops.
I've been locked out again.

- Can you...? I need a little help.
- Okay.

Am I on a hidden camera show
or something?

Sorry. Uh, uh, just a minute.

It's not working.
That one's dead.

You need some better...
We need some better staplers.

- Here.
- Uh, great.

Well,
you're not gonna believe it,

but I... I just locked you out.
I locked you out.

Excuse me. Uh, Colette, I cannot
take this fine doctor's photos

because her paperwork
is not correct.

- Isn't it?
- Also,

- these are all wrong, too.
- Oh.

You know what?
I just won't drive.

You wanted to see me?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I get it.

You're gonna stab me in the back
for real this time.

A guy with your build?

I would need
a seven-inch serrated knife

to reach your vital organs.

No, silly. I'm cutting the crust
off your grilled cheese.

Grilled cheese.

Okay, you've got five minutes.

I made it
just the way you like it.

Keto bread, mozzarella
and two Babybels?

- With the wax still on?
- With the wax still on.

Thanks.

So, this anti-doctor thing...
did you read it online, or...?

No, I'm just...

I'm scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things.

Like my Aunt Judy,
whenever the Browns lose,

which is basically all the time.

The last time I saw my meemaw
was right before

she went to the hospital
for hip surgery.

They told her
everything was gonna be okay.

I went into the foster system
right after that.

Oh, buddy.

That's why...
that's why I don't like doctors.

Now I need a grilled cheese.

Well, let's go halfsies.

What?

Are these... pills?

Were you...? Seriously,
were you trying to drug me?

They're muscle relaxers.
I slipped them in there

to try to take you to
urgent care against your will.

- Seriously?!
- I'm sorry, buddy.

- It's just that...
- This...

is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

You really care, Barb.

Of course.
You're my special guy.

Well, if I go see the doctor,
would you come with?

- Yeah, sure.
- And maybe milkshakes after?

Yeah, sure.

And stop at the mall
for back-to-school sneakers?

Milkshakes.

Ugh.

The counter is no joke.

I barely had time
to check my texts,

or, like, cry quietly
into the crook of my elbow.

Quietly? Mama, I heard you
wailing louder than when

you found out chipmunks
only live to be three years old.

Their little hearts
beat so fast.

I-I can't believe
that I worked here for so long

without understanding
what you deal with.

- You guys are warriors.
- Aw.

Well, hey, we were also saying

that we were kind of
impressed with you, too.

You were? Ceci, you said that?

I didn't say it.

- I maybe shrugged when he said it.
- Aw.

All right, put it back
in your pants. Relax.

We were just saying
that no other driving examiners

have ever voluntarily come
to work the counters with us.

Well, I'll be back tomorrow.
I'm gonna talk

to Barb,
move some things around.

And this time, I will know

that an Audi is a type of car,
not a belly button.

Yeah, no need to come back.
You know,

be the change
you wish to see in the world,

and all the places you'll go.

- You did great. Noa, help me.
- Uh, yeah. No, no. Yup.

- Please.
- Yup, you crushed it. Crushed...

You don't want me
to work the counter again,

cause I... I sucked at it.

- That's very true, yes.
- You were so terrible. Yeah.

Someone named Colette
came through my line.

Took us a full hour
to figure out what was going on.

Look, you may not be built
for county life.

But you know what else
you're not? A DEB.

Because a DEB would never admit
they suck.

I guess
I'm in my own special category,

- just like my gynecologist says.
- Mm.

Okay, no more counter work,
but starting today,

I am gonna take the trash out.
I am.

Oh, thank you so much.

I was actually lying when I said

that I enjoyed doing it.

Even though I've put in enough
hours to be an expert on it now.

You started Outliers?

Yeah. That new book? Yeah.

Oh, my God. No way.
You guys, tell me more.

- Really? - Really?
- No, I'm just practicing

holding a conversation
with a bunch of boring sixes

for my high school
reunion later.

Bye.

Bye. A six?

If we're averaging a six,
she thinks I'm a three.

All right, he splatter-painted
the hood of the Taurus

ten minutes ago,
so he's got to be in there.

- You remember the plan?
- 10-4.

I flush him out,
and you flank him from the side.

Classic tank and flank.

Cheers. Huh.

What's that shiny
little piece of foil?

I'm gonna go check it out.

Okay.

Are those buttons,
trailing from the tree?

Vic, it's a trap!
It's a trap!

Oh, God!