01x08 - The Loyalty Swamp

[bunniefuu]

Previously on this thing...

I did meet someone.

Give me that mouth, baby! Mm.

Because of Narcissa,
I lost my Hollywood career

and my perfect Uber rating.

They rate me?

If I hadn't left LA
without saying goodbye,

I don't know
if I'd even be alive today.

Mr. Tobin,
there's a lady here?

Artie!

- Oh, snap!
Now what?

That's impossible.

Narcissa.

No, no, no, no, no.

This cannot be happening.

So this is Narcissa.

She looks complicated.
- Thank you.

Arthur, what a beautiful
family you have.

That's a crazy thing to say.

Wait, did you invite her in?

Haven't you seen "Sinners"?
- I'm sorry.

Who is this woman?

Honestly, I don't even know.

I am on a journey.

How did you even find me?

It's been two years.
I moved across the country.

I blocked you on everything.

I always use a fake name
at Starbucks.

Well, Denise called me
from your phone.

You blocked me, but I'm still
your emergency contact.

And Denise didn't want you
going back to the post office,

which is so funny,

because I am banned
from my post office, too.

It's like fate,

because I was in Maryland
looking for you.

And I found you!

Hold up.

Do you teach Peloton?

- I did!
- It just got too corporate.

Guys, I died for four minutes
while getting my boobs done,

and God is an old white guy.

He just is.
Okay, let's go!

- Well, thank you for my phone.
- Artie, I just want to talk.

No, thank you.

Take care.
- Wait, wait, wait!

She came all this way,

and you're not
even gonna hear her out?

My boy AT, he's just
looking out for himself.

He said this is the woman
that ruined his life.

She's the reason
why he even has to do

my stupid documentary.

I am sick and tired
of the men in this house

not listening to women!
- What did I do?

Okay, fine.

When I say men, I'm talking
about Reggie Dinkins.

I just want to set
a wedding date,

but he's dragging his feet.

And not just to build up static
on the rug

so he can shock Rusty.

This is a perfect birthday.

Ooh, Daddy!

So you're gonna sit down
and listen

to this woman, Arthur.

- I love your outfit.
Can I have it?

Okay, Monica, I know
how this sounds, okay?

But believe me, this woman is...

Crazy.

Sorry, I'm just checking
my news alerts.

Why is the FDA telling me not
to worry about bird measles?

Diddy escaped?

This woman
is just trying her best.

Don't take away
her voice, Arthur.

Don't be a Ursula.

- No, no, no. Marty! Marty.
No, no, no.

You all stay.
I want this on tape.

Brina and Arthur are clearly
dealing with their own stuff,

but I do not have the bandwidth.

The whole world
is losing its mind.

I had a couple of busy work days

and didn't read
the news, and now...

They declared w*r on the ocean?

So like, what are you sh**ting?

Is this, like,
a reverse "Blind Side,"

where you're bad at sports,

and then the races
are also reversed?

And so is the adoptee's
relative size to the family.

I get it, Narcissa.

Listen, I'm just really happy
that you're working, okay?

I felt so sorry when I found out

that you were fired
from Maryland.

Sorry like you were when you
told Russell Crowe

that I'd been taking upskirts
of his girlfriend

"just to see what would happen"?

He punched me, and then he
made me listen to his band.

Let's just get to the point.
What do you want?

I just want to say...

I forgive you.

Oh, my God.

You better take a look
at your personality

before you start hanging on me.

That is a Russell Crowe lyric
that I had to listen to.

You forgive me?

For what, exactly?
What, for leaving?

Well, yes.

I left because I had to,
Narcissa,

the day after being fired...
thanks to you, by the way...

from the biggest job of my life.

I woke up handcuffed
in my bathtub

like I was in a "Saw" movie

while you were asleep in our bed

with some guy that
looked like toilet Elvis.

Let's get this over with.

You waltz in here
in those step-on-me boots.

What do you want?
Do you want money? An alibi?

I don't want anything.

If that's true,
prove it and leave.

Can we just, like, talk,
you know?

Without the cameras?

You are all seeing this, right?

She's saying she
doesn't want anything,

but now she won't leave.

You are exactly the kind
of woman that inspired

Russell Crowe's album
"Gaslight."

My God, you just won't let it go

that I slept with him
that night.

I didn't know that
until just now.

Okay, what will it take
to get you out of here?

All right, I have $43.

That's all I have in the world,
thanks to you.

Please take it.

I never should have come here.

At last, we agree.

We studied the trope
of the crazy ex-girlfriend

in my Male Allyship class.

I mean, from Ophelia
to Jane Eyre

to Stacy
in 1992's "Wayne's World."

It is kind of a cliché.

Okay, well, so is pretentious
director with a fancy accent,

but then you meet one
in real life,

"wise beyond his years"
sitcom kid.

The wedding planner

sent these save-the-date
samples over.

I just feel like
they're missing something.

Postage, of course.

I'm glad I could help.

The date, Reggie.

The save-the-date cards
don't have a date.

I have to book a caterer
and a venue.

I need to know what season
I'm getting married in

so I know how much fur to wear,
'cause it's not none.

- Come on.
Can we do this later, baby?

How about a June wedding?

I don't want to pull focus
from Juneteenth.

- Okay, September?
- 9/11, back-to-school sales.

Come on, Brina,
if you're not gonna

be serious about this...
- October.

I don't want a spooky wedding.

How about any time this winter?

Our ashiest season?

This is ridiculous!

I passed up
on so many opportunities

to monetize my brand

because I thought
I would be planning a wedding,

going on a honeymoon,
and monetizing that.

Well, hey, don't let me
block your blessings, baby.

I don't want to get
in the way of your career.

What is happening here?

You asked me to marry you

a hundred times
before I said yes.

In Italy, at Epstein's island.

It's not what it sounds like.

Dr. Epstein is my optometrist.

I also asked her at CVS.

My point is,
you wanted this, too.

But if you're not gonna
set a date...

Baby, there's nothing more
that I want than to marry you.

But my deep commitment
to feminism

will not let me stand
in the way of your career.

Of course I want to marry Brina.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with her.

I'm just dragging my feet
'cause that's what guys do,

and I'm a guy.

I love the Taylor Sheridan
universe

and twiiiiiiins!

Remember that?

Narcissa Ocean did not come
here to leave empty-handed.

No, don't open that door.

That's her.
She's back.

Are you serious right now?

I am so sorry.

My car won't start,
and my phone is dead.

Could I just use your phone
to call a tow truck?

No! Be gone!

Of course. Come in.

Don't listen to him.
You stay as long as you need.

This is all a ruse!

A ruse, I tell you.

You believe me, right?

Marty!

Oh, your name's Marty?

Oh, that's so funny.

If I was a boy, I would have
named myself Randall,

which is the same color
as Marty.

- What?
You all heard that, right?

I am not the crazy one.

Okay, I just need
to split the towing fee

over three
different credit cards

under three different names.
- Arthur Tobin!

How long does it take
for a documentary

to change everyone in the
world's mind about someone?

- What?
Reggie, the biggest mistake

I've made in my life
is here in this house.

- But I like the beard.
- Narcissa.

Surely, you of all
people understand

what it's like to have your
past come back to haunt you.

And that's why we got to get
this doc out now,

like, today or, if possible,
yesterday.

No, Reggie, we're
nowhere near done filming.

Editing takes months,
and I haven't even begun

to think about a font
for the title.

Franklin Gothic
with a drop shadow.

My Hall of Fame redemption
needs to be done now,

so get it done, or I'll use AI.

Allen Iverson is a good friend.

He knows movie magic!

No, she's gone.

Where did she go?

Real life "Donkey Kong,"
gorilla kills man with barrel.

What is up with my algorithm?
- That's just the world now.

I only use my phone
for photos and Duolingo.

Hello.

I'm learning English.

Hey, Reggie.

I know you don't want to get
in the way of my career

while you decide on
a wedding date, so good news.

You remember my ex.

The prank guy who tricked you
into joining the army?

He's hilarious!

- No, not him.
François.

The greatest problem
for the world

is women's pleasure
not being prioritized.

Also nuclears.

Oh, him.

Boy, you have a type.

Well, François
has been bugging me forever

to go on that show
"Ex Peninsula" with him.

- Ten pairs of sexy exes.
One tropical peninsula.

The only rule?

They're all now engaged
to other people.

I'm Tug Chase,
and this is "Ex Peninsula."

It'd be great exposure
for my brand.

Of course, I wouldn't go
if I had a conflict coming up.

I would never get
in the way of your brand.

Go for it, baby.

Thanks, baby.

Dude, you cannot let her
do that show.

It is horny garbage,
and I have seen every episode.

What are you doing upstairs?

This is not your house.

Brina told me
I could make myself at home,

so I just took a little bath,

and now I'm gonna go
make some tea.

Do you still take yours
with both milk and lemon?

- I never did.
- That is insane!

The milk would curdle.

I know you're up to something.

Oh, and you're Mr. Innocent,

bringing those blue eyes
in here?

You know that's not a choice.

Aha!

So that's your plan, you harpy!

You've come to lure me
back into your web

of sexual insanity!

Well, not again.

But why would I need
to lure you back?

After all, Artie...

we're married.

I'm not your ex.

I'm really...

your fiancé!

Wait, Gemma's ex and her
fiancé are identical twins?

No, they're triplets.

Reggie, this show is made

to get exes to hook up
with each other.

Brina would never cheat on me.

She's just trying
to make me jealous

so I'll set a wedding date.

Wait, why won't you?

If you know me at all,
it's pretty obvious.

Hey, we got to do
something, right?

Yeah. We got to know more
about this show.

Previously on "Ex Peninsula"...

Naomi acts like
she's the first person

to ever drown
on "Ex Peninsula."

- Married. Of course.
- Mm-hmm.

Would you excuse me

- for just a second, honey?
- Mm-hmm.

Narcissa has overplayed
her hand, which is what

she always does
when she is in too deep.

One time, she took a job
as a sign-language interpreter.

She does not know sign language.

We both have
fond memories of Egypt,

and the recollection of our
last visit has drawn us back.

When they wouldn't pay her,

instead of walking away,
she filed a lawsuit

under the Americans
with Disabilities Act.

No, I don't understand
the question,

because I can't hear anything.

Whatever her scam is,
she slipped up.

Monsieur Reggie, I am François,



Désolé, I took my shoes off.

But is this also
a shirts-off household?

What? No.

You can see we all
have shirts on!

What's he doing here?

He's here to record
our submission tape

for "Ex Peninsula."

This is very super cool of you.

You must very trust,
how you say,

woman you're going to marry.
- Fiancée!

We do not have this word,
because in France,

marriage is a joke.

Brina wants to make me jealous?

I am François.

And I'm Brina.

And we would like to,
as we say where I come from...

Yeah.

Maybe I'll make her jealous.

See, I know what I like.

Butts.

And as a feminist, I think men
and women are equal.

So let's see how
Narcissa likes this butt...

mine.

Gemma, Yorgos has invited
you to the Nudity Closet.

Oh! Her face!

I can't believe
she accepted his invitation

to Seven Hours in Heaven!

But it's just to earn
a Fabletics Jealousy Token.

Mm-hmm.

- What a twist.
Speaking of twists...

Ha, my journals!

Okay, so earlier I called
the LA County clerk's office,

and guess what.

They have no record
of a Narcissa Louise Ocean

marrying Arthur S. Tobin, so...

What does the "S" stand for?

Sting, Marty.

My parents met in the bathroom
at a Police concert.

You happy?

And these will prove

that Narcissa and I never
even left Los Angeles.

We met at a Lakers game.

She was there to "put her baby
on Scottie Pippen Jr."

And then the relationship ended

the day after I was fired
from "Professor Squeeze,"

which was...

But I've never been to Vegas.

- Oops.
I guess I'm a bad boy.

The only problem with my plan
is, how far away the ground is,

but I got a solution.

Damn it.

I'm so clumsy today.

I see what's going on here.

Getting older can be scary.

It must be hard for Reggie
to admit he needs help

from his nurse, Brina.

Oh, not again!

I dropped my
grabber claw now, too.

That's so hot, right?

I know he's just trying
to make me jealous,

showing off all that ham.

But I don't get why
he won't just give up.

So now I got to take it
to the next level.

I started this game of chicken,
and I've got all the chickens.

I've never played chicken.
What is it?

Narcissa.

I knew I made a lot
of bad choices in 2024.

I just thought
that I remembered all of them.

You're talking about Vegas,
aren't you?

Oh, don't get me started
on Vegas.

'Cause I've never been,
and I'd be making it up.

It took some digging,
but I finally discovered

what really happened
after I was fired.

Baby, are you sure
you want to do this?

We have to. If we're married,
you can't testify against me

for stealing that cop's g*n.

I'm a genius!

Hurry, Mr. Presley!

I really thought
I was the victim.

I blamed you for everything.

But if I can't even
remember Vegas...

We were not good
for each other, Artie.

I mean, you let me give you
a prison tattoo of my initials.

What? When?

Where?

Okay, look, um,
you wanted to talk, right?

White love is weird.

America has spoken, and...

both:
You should bang!

Reggie, I need to give you this.

I can't wear it
on "Ex Peninsula."

Isn't the whole point of
the show that you're engaged?

No.

The whole point is,
on the Peninsula, you're not.

- Seriously?
You're taking it?

Is she still going on that show?

Are you letting her?
- It's her fault.

She's trying to make me jealous
with that nerd.

Holy hell.

Well, Reggie was giving
Tobin's wife

front-row seats
to the ham factory.

Why would there be seats
in a ham factory, Brina?

Think!

Okay, you two are acting
like Brix and Slinky

on season 4 of "Ex Peninsula."

If the two of them had just gone

to the Valtrex Confession Pool

and had the courage
to be honest with each other,

they'd still be alive today.

Monica, it's starting!

If you miss the recap,
you'll be confused!

You weren't wrong.

I did come here because I do
want something from you.

- I knew it!
You'll burn, witch!

I am so sorry.

That is force of habit.

I want a divorce.

After you left,
I was pissed off.

At first, I was gonna do
a "Cape Fear."

In what sense?

Ride around under your car
and seduce your daughter.

But then I decided to lay low,

because maybe one day
you'd get back on top

and I'd swoop in and take half.

I mean, I wasn't
exaggerating before.

I have $43.

But I have been doing
a lot of work on myself,

and I realized...

it's time to move on.

My AI therapist tells me
the truest form of closure

is the cleansing violence
of fire.

But this is a good first step.

I'm sorry for how I reacted
when you first showed up.

Clearly, you aren't as far
along on your healing journey.

That's why I had to give you
time to get there on your own.

Well, you didn't give me time.

Your car broke down.

I'll see you
in the monkey pages.

Those were
divorce papers, right?

I didn't actually read them.

But she's changed.

It's fine.

Right?

This couple must now confess
their true motivations,

or risk losing
each other forever.

Monica, I found it!

It was sending the audio
to the patio speakers.

Wait, does that happen a lot?

That you hear audio of stuff
that I'm watching?

Mm.

This is a confession pool...

and my confession is,
I love you.

I don't want to ruin
our wedding.

You won't. You just got
to take your Imodium, baby.

It's not just that.

I just want it to be perfect.

It's not gonna be perfect
if every story about it

starts with "Disgraced
former football player

marries blah-blah-blah."

- Hold up.
That's it?

I called in François Henry
for that?

Reggie, if blah-blah-blah
cared about that,

she wouldn't be marrying you.

Really?

Because, Bri,
you're blah-blah-blah.

You kind of jumped
out the window

about this wedding planning.

The only reason
I jumped out the window

is because you were dragging
your feet,

and it was making me feel...

Ugh, what's the word?

Issa Rae did
a whole HBO about it.

Insecure.

I did not care for it.

Do you think I could get
anyone better than you?

Oh, baby.

Let's set a date
for it right now.

But I was serious
about Halloween.

Obviously.

I'm not starting
our marriage off haunted.

Wow. You're watching
history right now,

the first engagement ever to
make it through the Peninsula.

I hope she survives
the Loyalty Swamp

and swims home to D'Rick.
- Oh.

Hey, François.

Oh, are you leaving?

- My sexual work here is done.
- Okay.

Do you have a car coming, or...

No, but things tend
to work out for me.

I have no needs,

only wants that come true.

- Yeah.
He's gonna be fine.

Oh.

Oh, wow.
It's morning.

How long were we down there?






- Mom, it's Sunday.

You missed church.
- Well, I needed it.

I had to turn my brain off and
get a break from the insanity.

Now I'm recharged,
ready to face the world.

Women aren't allowed
to do what now?

What an episode.

For all of us here at
"Ex Peninsula," I'm Tug Chase,

and I'm AI.

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.