01x09 - Mischief and Memories

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to "Sports Shouting!"

The first round
of NFL Hall of Fame voting

starts this week.

And I'm here with six of the
loudest throats in football.

Tom, you're
on the selection committee.

Who's getting in?
Everyone, answers.

I would say Jerry Basmati,

but I'm already
in the Hall of Fame, baby.

Pow, pow, life is good.

It's not! It's pain!

Life is pain!

- Okay, let's take a call.
You're on "Sports Shouting!"

Who are you? Who do you like?

Hmm, caller first time, I am.

Support Jets running back,
Reggie Dinkins, I do.

- We know it's you, Dinkins.
Stop calling.

You're pathetic, Dinkins!

I told you Yoda wouldn't work.

Who's Yoda?

What would it mean for me
to be in the Hall of Fame?

Dude, that's why we're doing
this whole documentary.

We've never gotten
even one vote before,

but this year feels different.

We've got some good press.

And Salami Joe's
put the Reggie Dinkins

back on the menu.

I want the world to see
that my dad is a legend,

so I'm trying to get
#supportRD trending.

Oh, my God, it's working.
- Oh.

Wait, that's not
about Reggie Dinkins.

As many as seven in ten seniors

may suffer from rectal dementia.

Nope. What do you got, Rusty?

Okay, I talked
to all my fellow kickers,

and they don't think
any "hand touchers"

should be
in the Football Hall of Fame.

I respect that.

Hey, T, what are you doing
to help the cause?

Oh, well, I'm just making
a documentary about all of it.

But what about a teaser trailer?

Any Smash Mouth song you want,
I'll pay for it.

Well, I suppose I can
assemble something, Reggie,

but for the last time,
"Shrek" owns Smash Mouth.

Ah!

Sad news, folks... legendary
sportswriter Tom Branose

passed away
during the commercial break.

But he died doing
what he loved...

shouting on television about
how he was being silenced.

Rest in peace,
but that guy sucked.

He said he'd never vote for you

during a Hurricane Katrina
fundraiser.

Branose was one

of the New York-area voters,
which means...

There'll be an opening
on the selection committee.

You've never gotten
a single vote

from these people in 15 years.
- Neither have you, Monica.

But an open seat on that
committee is an opportunity.

It's like the Supreme Court.

- Or Wu-Tang.
- Or musical chairs.

Do you need
more examples, Monica?

What if Branose's replacement
is more open-minded?

That could mean
an actual vote for you.

But how do people
get on the committee?

Okay, they told me,
but it was boring.

So I'ma tell you
while doing ASMR.

The selection committee

is made up of players,
coaches, and sportswriters

from every city
with an NFL team,

as well as


Now, to get to a product

I have been waiting
to share with you...

Takis has partnered with Tampax.

I've been embedded with
the Dinkinses for months now,

so there's thousands
of hours of footage

from which to cut a trailer.

There's a reason
why I haven't been talking

about my pops.

Have you been using
my prescription shampoo?

I guess it's just been
using itself, then.

Thanks, g*ng. Mystery solved.

Okay, obviously not that.

Let's see the back.

Okay, keeping it tight.
- Ah, trying.

Now, look, you all stay.
I want this on tape.

Nope.

- ♪ If you wanna hug me
- ♪ Better say you love me ♪

♪ With a little kiss or two

♪ Yow!

Yeah, yeah, go, go, go.

Oh, um, uh, they spit into my
mouth at a BAFTAs after-party.

- Gary Oldman.
- No, no, no, the other one.

Oh, Olivia Colman.

Yeah, ha ha!

It's all about me.

I worked so hard to embed
myself, I went too far.

For God's sake,
I'm filming myself right now.

I know I'm being compelling,
but I have to stop filming.

Sources are telling
"Sports Shouting!"

that former Jets coach
Duck Donovan

has been tapped to join
the NFL selection committee.

Gentlemen and a lady,
let's shout about that.

DeQuarius Donovan hates you.

That's not
what Duck is short for.

That's the least
of our problems, Monica.

- Why would they even pick him?
- For real.

His LinkedIn says

he's a referee at a singles
flag-football league.

Now, if I was a betting man...

and I am, it's a problem,
I live in a hotel...

I would have let it all ride

on New Jersey's own
Jerry Basmati

being the next committee member.

They did ask, Brett,
but I've got "AM New Jersey,"

my QVC show selling phone cases
and waffle makers,

plus my men's retreat upstate,

where fellas can regain
their masculinity

by making phone cases
and waffle makers.

It helped me a lot after
my third or fourth divorce.

So I called the committee,

and I put my full weight
behind Duckery Donovan.

I was close.

He and I see eye to eye
on who should be in the Hall...

and who definitely should not.

Basmati!

I'm so mad
and also now want waffles!

This is bad. Jerry Basmati
got Reggie's old coach

to be a Hall of Fame voter,
and he hates Reggie.

Could you do that
somewhere else?

Oh, I'm sorry that my sister
cares about your life.

I'm sorry about him, girl.

She's not wrong
about Coach, Reg.

I loved John Proctor
as the villain...

as much as I hate
Reggie Dinkins.

Look, this doesn't have
to change our plan.

If Donovan's a voter, we just
find a way to convince him.

Sometimes Hail Marys get caught.

I don't know, Monica.

You ain't see Duck
when he came over here.

You know when white guys get mad

and they face turn red
and their neck is, like, purple

and it makes you ask yourself,

what color is they p*nis
right now?

Arthur was there.
He'll tell you.

Arthur!

Don't leave me hanging out, dog!

We talked about this!

Where is Mr. Tobin?

What the hell are you doing?

- Oh, boy, yeah.
He gonna k*ll us, Brina.

You know white boys always snap.

I'ma be sad to be dead,

but I'ma be happy to be right.

It has become clear to me

that I have inadvertently
centered myself

in the narrative.

From now on,
I'm just going to...

disappear.

- Okay.
I'm gonna let God handle that.

How the hell am I supposed
to convince a man

who blames me
for ruining his life

to vote for me?

I might have an idea.

Hey, guys.

Since Arthur Tobin isn't around,

you wanna talk about him
behind his back?

I really like him.

My dad is obsessed
with the Hall of Fame.

You know every year
on my birthday

he asks to borrow my wish?

He promises he's good
for it, but...

That must be hard on you.

Do you think that's why
you've been acting out lately?

I-I-I don't know
what you're talking about.

No?

So I was reviewing footage
the other night,

and I-I came across this.

Good night, Mr. Cameraman.

After everyone is to bed,
you sneak out.

Shh.

Hours later, you return
as tipsy as the patrons

in the club described
by Shaboozey.

It... it... it was only
that one night.

I mean, my a capella group
made regionals,

and Dinesh stole a bottle
of rosé from his mom.

Mr. Tobin,
please don't show my parents.

But...

you actually can't, can you?

I mean, you said you weren't
getting involved anymore.

Well, of course, there is
part of me that wants to.

You are underage.

Although in England,

you can drink at home
starting at age five.

That's true.

Um, but, look,
as an objective observer,

no, I-I would never use
any of this

unless it somehow
became the story.

Uh, so, just to clarify,

you're not gonna tell
my parents?

- I cannot.
- Cool, bye.

Hey, Coach!

Dinkins.

Wow, Dinkins.
What are you doing here?

Wouldn't have anything
to do with me getting

on the selection committee,
would it?

Because you know there's
no way I'm voting for you.

You ruined my life.

And that's exactly
why you should vote for him.

Think about it... the two of you
were one game away

from winning the Super Bowl.

But after Reggie got
kicked out of the league,

the team imploded,
and so did you.

You lost your job, your wife.

Your "Golden Bachelor"
audition went viral,

and it was sad.

My ex knew all the passwords.

I can't figure out
how to reset them, so...

that's what I'm looking for.

How is any of this
supposed to make me

want to vote for you?

'Cause either I was so good
at football

that me not playing for the Jets

is the only reason
why your life blew up.

Or Reggie wasn't
a Hall of Fame-caliber talent,

and this is all your fault.

Donovan,
we gotta start the game.

We lose the field in an hour.
- Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll be... I'll be
right there, sir.

Un-frickin'-believable.

You know, I have always
blamed you for everything.

I mean, I'm not about
to blame my own drinking,

my own infidelity,
or how I spent all my savings

trying to reverse
my circumcision.

Nope, it was all my fault,
all of it.

It has nothing to do with you.

Yeah.

Yeah, because Dinkins
is just that good

at football.

All right, you got my vote.

Oh, my God, Reggie.

You're gonna get a vote
for the Hall.

Oh, I'm not stopping there.

I'm gonna fight
for you in the room.

I am gonna get you in the Hall.

And then the whole
world will know...

- It was all my fault.
- Your fault.

Donovan!

- You got all that, right?
His fault.

- Whoo! Hey.
- Things are looking up, y'all.

And if history
has taught us anything,

it's that the vote of old
white men can change the world.

Ha ha.

Hey, Jer Bear.

- You don't nickname me.
I nickname you,

Reggie... Stupid.

Look, man, I don't got time
for this.

In 30 seconds,

I'm interviewing a lizard
that dialed 911.

I spoke to your new
best friend, Duck Donovan.

Oh, really?

Which reminds me,
how's our a*s taste?

- Ha ha!
- Real bad.

But not for long, 'cause you
done poked the wrong Jer Bear.

That's right.
I'm owning it now.

When he's not eating crickets,

one local lizard is stopping
bicycle thieves.

This isn't over,
you son of a b*tch.

I-guana talk to that little guy.

Machine does 10s.

- Hey, there, friend.
- "Friend"? Well, okay.

How would you like to go
for a van ride?

We got sandwiches.

- What kind of sandwiches?
- All kinds of sandwiches.

Oh. What's up, Arthur?

- No. Ignore me.
- Oh, that's right.

You're... you're not here.

Oh, no.

I left a hard-boiled egg
in my shorts.

Sorry, buddy.

I'm coming to save and eat you.

Oh, that's really in there.

Ah! Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

Okay, Arthur?
Arthur, can you help me?

Whoa!

Oh, no!
My body completed the seal!

Oh, the cycle is starting!

Arthur, help! Arthur!

Now, Mr. Donovan,
what sold you

on Basmati Ministries
men's retreat?

Was it the sandwiches?

Oh, look, yeah,
I-I was skeptical at first.

But as the faith counselors

at Jerry Basmati's annual


explained to me,

I am in need
of a kind of structure

that no committee could provide.

Well, good for you, Duckery.

- He's out?
- You've gotta be kidding me.

I was craving the community
and sense of purpose

that only comes with assembling

and shipping waffle makers.

I'm glad you're having fun,

but that just means one more job

for my poor work husband here.

Sexless,
just like my real marriage,

'cause with this schedule...

when, Ron? When?

You gotta make time, Kaylie.

And I will be making time

to step up as the newest member

of the Pro Football Hall
of Fame selection committee.

You-guana be on that committee.

That's not
an ongoing thing, Kaylie.

That was just
for that one lizard story.

Okay, uh, okay.

This is a setback,
but I know exactly what to do.

Yep, I got this.

Okay.

I thought if I kept talking,
an idea would come to me,

but maybe
if I keep saying words...

This can't be game over.

It's overtime!
We gotta do more stuff!

Help, someone help!

Hurry! Help!

My Rusty!

Oh, God, again?

He was just standing there
like a psycho.

- What the hell, Arthur?
Why didn't you help?

You think I didn't want to?

I've told you...
I cannot get involved.

There have to be boundaries.
- "Boundaries"?

Arthur, there are
no boundaries here.

Rusty was in the delivery room
when Carmelo was born.

Okay, I didn't wanna be.

Reggie said he deserved
a partner there too.

And how many times
have you seen me in the shower?

If you stopped FaceTiming me
from in there, it'd be less.

It just is what it is.

I mean, I still represent
my ex-husband.

And I'm friends
with my fiancé's ex-wife.

I might be her only friend.

Guys, Mr. Tobin
is a great filmmaker.

And part of what makes him great

is that he never gets involved.

Ever, right?

The point is, this family
is like using a public bathroom

while wearing a jumpsuit.

It's chaos. It's messy.

It could be a disaster
at any moment.

But in the end, it's worth it,

because I look good
in a jumpsuit.

We are a beautiful mess.

And like it or not,
your mess is a part of it.

- That is the problem, Reggie.
I am a part of it.

And I don't want my personal
life to ruin another project.

And it's already gone too far.
I mean, I...

I love you guys.

How could I ever stay objective?

I'm sorry.

This is how it has to be.

We have marital bed

this afternoon.
- Mm-hmm.

But, first,
you're doing a ribbon cutting

at that new
flat-Earth planetarium.

- Oh, okay.
- Jerry!

Well, well...

- One more, baby.
- Well.

I guess you heard the news.
- Yeah, not cool, Basmati.

You took advantage
of Duck's sad-a*s life.

No, I gave him a fresh start.

You're the one that tricked him
into supporting you.

You think I'd let that stand?

No, it's gonna sit.
- Sit all the way down.

Look, Jerry, I know you hate me.

Rivals gotta hate.

But that's the reason
why you should vote for me.

There's no Magic without Bird,

no Ali without Foreman,
no Seabiscuit without...

- Jazzy Joe, the horse.
- We get it, man.

Did you really come
all the way here

to try to change my mind
about you?

I'm not some broken old dude
you can just throw in a van.

I can't believe you thought
that would work on me.

I can't believe it either.

Jerry and I can't believe
the same stuff,

and that's why
our marriage works.

Being rivals doesn't make
me respect you, Dinkins.

I hate being mentioned
in the same breath as you...

because you're a bad person.

Yeah, gambling is a sin, right?

But only if you play sports?
- Come on.

I was young and dumb,
and I only bet on myself.

You are an embarrassment.

And that's why
I'm gonna make sure

you never get
into the Hall of Fame.

Oh, and don't try to use this
footage 'cause clearly it's AI.

Oh, yeah, y'all AI'd us.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are the bad person.

Reggie Dinkins is a good person.

He is the type of man who,
when you fall asleep in front

of the TV, you wake up
with a blanket over you,

a glass of water
on the coffee table,

and your teeth are brushed.
- Hold up, what...

He came here today
to give you a chance

to do the right thing.

But now I see why you could
never stop Reggie on the field.

'Cause you're weak, Jerry,

like a little baby sucking
on your daddy's fingers,

too stupid to know there's no
milk gonna come out of there.

You don't even have the strength

to change your own mind,
let alone anybody else's.

He changes my mind
all the time...

who I vote for,
what I'm ordering.

I was Jewish when we met.

What are you even talking about,

you Elijah Wood-looking-a*s
b*tch?

First of all,
he looks like me, okay?

I'm three days older.

And they thought
that if they changed your mind,

you'd do what Duck
was gonna try and do

and sway the whole committee.

But you, sir,
couldn't sway a palm tree

if you were the breeze.

I can't believe him.

You also can't believe him,
right, baby?

We both can't believe? Baby!

- You coming, Arthur?
- Uh, no.

But, look, I can recommend

some excellent directors
to replace me.

Now that PBS is gone,

Ken Burns is just doing
quinceañera videos, so...

Dude, just because
you're in the movie,

doesn't mean it's bad.

It's just different.

Like when they didn't wanna
give Beyoncé a country award,

they didn't cancel the Grammys.

Those crackers just made up
a whole new category.

You don't understand.

I have always made
observational documentaries.

And, well, this film isn't that.

It is participatory, clearly.

And it's reflexive,

because we're talking about it
on camera.

So it's something else
altogether... like Sunny D.

It's orange, and it's juice,
but it's not orange juice.

It's some third other thing.
What is it?

I have no idea what Sunny D
or this film is.

Because it's new.

It's a Tobin-umentary.

Monica.

No.

I doubt anyone
will call it that...

or teach it in a film school...

or eventually name
an Independent Spirit Award

after me.

No, no, no, no,
one... one step at a time, guys.

One step at a time.

I did like watching you go
at Jerry Basmati like that.

I was a little afraid
he was gonna rip you in half.

Yes, in half,
I had the same thought.

Mr. Tobin...

so now that you're doing
the, uh...

- Tobin-umentary, yes...
well, I hear

that's what they're calling it.
- Okay.

I just wanted to make sure that

you still weren't gonna
tell my parents about the...

Carmelo, as a documentarian,

I think I've made it clear
I cannot.

Okay, cool.

But as this
new hybrid filmmaker,

older brother, uncle,
friend of your parents

who cares about you
and the choices you make...

You're in big trouble, boy.

When we heard
what Carmelo had done...

we were so relieved.

Thrilled, actually.

He's always been a great kid.

- Too great.
He's never been in trouble.

And those kids end up weird.

Like bird-owner weird.

And I did not wanna have
to step-mom a nerd.

What am I gonna do
at a science fair?

But now we have to punish him
for the first time ever.

So how do we do that?

Young man,
you go to your... your room?

Yes, and, also, we're going
to take away your...

Not my Switch.

Yes, your Switch.

Now, you think
about that the next time

you wanna make mischief
and memories

like a normal teenager!

Pow.

Hey Dinkins, you got company.

Oh, God, why?

My house has more chandeliers.

Come on, now, Jerry.

What else do you
have to say to me?

- Nothing.
I came to say something to him.

That little reverse
"Blind Side" said

I couldn't change anyone's
mind, like I didn't matter.

Well, I took that personally.

- What are you doing?
You already said this stuff.

Get out of here.

Well, I took that personally.

And Jerry Basmati can do
anything I put my mind to.

You can't refer to yourself
in the third

and the first person
in the same sentence, man.

Whether it's winning Super Bowls

or selling my cologne
to the troops

or learning Dutch
for no reason...

And I'm gonna prove it to you,

because
I can too change minds...

of every single member

of the Hall of Fame
selection committee.

So you gonna get me in the Hall?

Damn, okay.

No, not you.

Him.

Wait, what?

That'll drive you crazy, huh...

waking up in a house every day

with someone who's living
your dream and it ain't you?

But I wasn't even very good.

The only time I got on "Top Ten"

was when one of my kicks
k*lled a bird.

Oh, we'll see, Busty.

- You...
- We'll see.

Ah, AI.

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.