Love vs. The Red Pill (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

So I'm going to keep this

meeting short and bittersweet.

You know I'm a firm believer in tough love,

so I got to give it to you straight.

Our numbers are down from last month,

because our top producers

are not giving us top production.

And of course, our

mediocre producers continue

to give us mediocre production.

Stan?

Umm, A?

Hey man.

I know it's hard seeing your

woman with another guy,

knowing that he's just

tapping that a*s every night.

(all clapping)

I mean, she's not my woman, damn it.

I drink too much at the company's social.

Yeah, right.

Just kills you, you

can't have this anymore.

I'm not having this

conversation again, please.

Dismissed.

Stan, stay behind for a quick pow-wow.

(bell ringing)

Let me know when you're

ready to step up your game.

- Come on, man.

- Let me start.

Shut the f*ck up.

Now, think of me as the

Steve Spurrier of managers.

I rip your a*s in public.

I give you praise in private.

Now Stan, you are my most

talented salesman, hands down.

You have to stop pining over a woman, man.

It's distracting you from

meeting your full potential.

I am not pining, man.

I mean, she's still hitting on me.

I mean, I don't know what else to say.

Let me ask you this.

How many plates are you spinning?

Plates?

Yeah, plates.

How many women are you currently dating?

Well, I don't see all

this is relevant, but none,

at the moment.

That's what I thought.

Stan, when your knob isn't getting slobbed

on a consistent basis,

your production drops.

And as your manager,

I have to address this.

So now I have to introduce

you to formalized game,

so you can start spinning plates.

What about you, huh?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Come on.

A guy like me is obviously spinning plates.

Stan, have you ever

touched a sh**ting comet?

No.

And I don't think you have either.

I am the comet.

And you have come

nowhere near my fiery tail.

I will teach you, my son.

Now get back to work.

(upbeat music)

All right, I'm sorry, Kelly.

I cannot accept your bro talk right now.

It's different for women.

With women there are a whole lot of

Okay, that is sexist.

I deserve props for my accomplishments

just as any guy would.

Mmm.

All right, now, before

we even get into this,

does this game of yours

happen to involve swiping right?

No.

We met the old-fashioned way.

As you know, I'm a fan of the old school.

Like those Chuck Norris posters?

In his prime, baby.

So we met at the bar.

I saw him looking fine,

talking to his friends,

and I approached him.

Look, it's way easier for a

woman to get laid than a man,

all right?

Always has been.

And why is that, Paul?

I'm glad you asked, Misty.

Men are biologically wired

to have sex when it's available

as opposed to women

who are biologically wired to be selective.

I'm sure Jessica would love hearing this.

[Paul] Yeah, she does

get a bit huffy and puffy

with these sorts of facts.

And can you elaborate

on this biological difference, my dear?

Well, I'd be happy to, honey.

See the difference between male potency

and female fertility create

different biological instincts.

Now, I'm not sure on the exact number,

but I believe the average

male can produce enough sperm

in his lifetime to foster

around 12,000 kids.

Which is why, unrelated

subject, why some countries

have laws that limit the amount

of sperm donations they

can get from one guy.

And female fertility?

Yes.

And again, I don't recall the exact number,

but I believe the average female can mother

around 14 kids in her lifetime.

So instinctually you have to be selective.

And this basically goes across the board

for the entire animal kingdom.

Males are wired to mate

with as many females

as they can and females are wired

to find the best possible mate.

Okay, fine.

But you don't think women can be smooth?

I mean, I've seen Kelly talk to dudes

and she's pretty damn smooth.

Thank you.

Y'all just toasted like two minutes ago,

you realize that, right?

There's no rule against it, is there?

(Paul laughing)

I mean, actually she was really smooth.

She saw me wearing a

Braves jersey, she came up,

just started talking

Braves baseball with me.

I mean, how awesome is that?

Wow.

He speaks.

Isn't that incredible?

(chuckling) All right,

let ask you this then, bud.

Say she wasn't being all

smooth and knowledgeable

about Braves baseball.

Would you have turned her down?

Ah.

See?

Come on.

That's what I'm talking about.

Look, even if you were

much less attractive,

let's say you were a four.

I don't even want to know my rating.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

All I'm saying is if you

were much less attractive,

let's say a four, you'd

still probably be able

to pick up a nine or a 10 at a bar

just by being available, all right?

I don't believe that.

And don't even need

to say anything special.

Just like, "Hey, I'm horny. You

want to come home with me?"

And then boom, you're

getting that d in no time.

Now us men, on the other

hand, we have to be smooth.

- Am I right or am I right?

- Oh, shut up.

All right, so speaking

of your smoothness,

I think I was drunk the first time

you guys originally

told me, but how exactly

did you two meet?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

You guys make a great couple.

It's just you're so different.

I mean, you're a vegetarian and he's

I know, I know.

Well, we never would've

met online, that's for sure.

Oh hell no.

She was at one of those

meat-is-m*rder rallies

protesting in front of a burger joint.

Now normally I leave these wackos alone.

Hey!

But she was in front of a

mom-and-pop shop this time.

So I just had to say something.

Now, not only was she the

most beautiful woman there,

she was also wearing one

of those stupid real men

don't eat meat t-shirts.

And what is so stupid

about those t-shirts.

That's the psychology behind it, babe.

I mean the expectation

that the man is going to look

at you, read the T-shirt,

and think to himself,

"Well, I'm a real man,

so I guess I shouldn't eat meat anymore."

I mean, come on.

So I impressed her

with my intellect arguing

about the morality of

hunting animals for food.

No, I was impressed

by the comical premise

of the argument.

He thinks, you know what my dear?

Why don't you explain your rationale?

Okay, so animals do not die

of old age in the wild, right?

They only have three options.

(upbeat music)

Our little debate tonight would've

been a lot more lively if

John and Jessica were here.

Yeah, when they're in the same room

they never fail to entertain.

You'd think they used to date.

What were they even doing tonight?

It's not like either one of them

are dating anyone right now.

Well, John thinks he's

some kind of player now,

so he's in his words, "sarging."

And Jessica, well, she's

fallen into the Netflix trap.

Wait, what?

Just binge washing

during all her free time?

Yeah.

Well, we got to help them out.

Don't get me wrong. They can

do whatever they want to do.

It's just

They're both happier

when they're in relationships

and neither one of them wants to admit it.

Especially Jessica.

I mean you so much as even

approach the subject she goes

into her whole, "Oh, you think I need a man"

"to be happy," routine?

What we need to do is think of a strategy.

Well, we can get them on dating apps.

Most relationships start online.

Yeah, but the divorce rate

is three times higher for

people who meet online.

Mmm.

So we find a good guy

for Jessica and a good girl

for John ourselves.

Yeah, but

But what?

Well, a high-value

man isn't going to want

to date someone unless

there's a possibility

of a long-term relationship.

And with Jessica

Why wouldn't a man want a

long-term relationship with her?

She's beautiful.

She's smart.

She's your cousin.

I can't believe you're

saying this about her.

I know she's my cousin and I've loved her

since she was a kid

and that's why I'm

bringing this up, all right.

I mean, if a woman sees marriage

as an oppressive institution

and any participation

in household chores as

the equivalent of sl*very,

you're going to be a little hard-pressed

to find someone who's interested.

I mean, that's a pretty

exaggerated version

of her view, babe.

Oh, kind of isn't.

So... So what about John?

I am so sick of his sh*t.

His new So-called Red Pill awareness.

"That's beta.

That's alpha.

She's got to be in your frame."

Dude.

He does have a few good points.

Paul, the guy refuses to

compromise on anything.

How's that for marriage material?

What self-respecting woman is going to want

to a guy that expects her

to make all the compromises?

I agree.

And I've straight up told him.

I've been like, "bro, you're going to have

to watch a chick flick every now and then."

It's more than that

and you know it, Paul.

Yes, Misty.

I do.

I do.

All I'm saying is I

think that John is fallen

into a large group of men

who have legitimate fears of marriage.

- That's all.

- Oh, legitimate.

Are we talking about other

men or are we talking about you?

Uh, okay.

We have talked about getting married.

Yeah, we've talked.

So, about other men's fears.

Yes.

I've heard this from John so many times.

(clearing throat) "Since-no fault divorces"

became law, allowing one person

to unilaterally end a marriage,

70 to 80% of all divorces

have been initiated by women.

Now, feminists say that's

because men are so a*usive,

but that's bullshit

because the two most common reasons given

by women who divorce their husbands are,

"'I didn't need him anymore

or I knew I would win in court.'"

Come on.

Now let's get down to business.

Are we going to make this bet or what?

Okay.

I know I can set up John before you

can set up Jessica with someone long term.

No.

By my parents' anniversary party, they have

to be in a relationship

with the same person

for at least two months.

And if one of them finds

someone on their own?

Still counts.

Mmm.

And the stakes?

If I win, Jessica's

in a real relationship

and John isn't, I'll make

it easy for us in the future.

Okay.

I name our first kid if

it's a girl and you name it

if it's a boy, instead of

us arguing over names.

Uh, well, okay, we haven't

even gotten engaged yet.

Yes, but we've talked about these things

and we've been dating for two years.

That's true.

More importantly

though, I'm getting a sense

of some kind of Bobby

Bonilla contract sh*t.

I mean, the ramifications of this can go on

for my entire life.

What if you pick some dumb

celebrity type name like Apple?

Well, all the more reason

that you should help John and win.

Well, all right.

And if I win, John's in

a long-term relationship

and Jessica isn't, we

do things the right way

and I get veto power

over any name, boy or girl.

And obviously no sabotaging the other.

Well, obviously.

We're here to help.

Seal it with a kiss?

Now our job is to get you

in the game and introduce you

to formalized game so you

can start spinning plates.

We are all well-trained

at formalized game.

Mystery methods, speed seduction,

the London Day game

model, just to name a few.

Now, I'm not going to be as proactive

as I normally am because

right now there's a plate

that's spinning at the top.

Congratulations, bro.

Thanks bro.

Hey, just don't get one-it is.

Hey.

Never.

Bet.

Now, first part of good game, inner game.

We got to crush your approach anxiety.

Remember this.

One woman, one vote.

Huh?

One woman's opinion of you

only represents her view of you.

Not every other woman's view of you.

Exactly.

You could get turned down cold by a seven,

but a nine will be all over all you.

In the same night, bro.

One woman, one vote.

[All] One woman, one vote.

[John] Now first thing we're going to do,

throw you head first in the cold water.

No game.

First set, you see, go for it.

One of us is going to go

first and then it's all you.

Trust me, you're not going to grow with

that internet sh*t, okay.

Time to sarge.

You ready?

Let's go.

(upbeat music) (all chattering)

(upbeat music)

Remember this, three second rule.

If you make eye contact with a

woman, you have three seconds

to approach her or

you lose all credibility.

Go into the four set over there.

Cold water time.

No game on the first.

Hey.

I saw you sitting over here

and I just had to say hello.

What's your name?

I'm Zofia.

What's yours?

Oh, that is a beautiful accent.

Where are you from?

Poland.

Oh, very nice.

So, Zofia, before I invite

my friends over here,

I have to tell you something.

[Zofia] What?

My mother told me, never

ever date a Polish woman.

And why is that?

Well, it's because while

they're beautiful, and fun,

but they're absolutely crazy as hell.

(Zofia laughing)

sh*t.

Crazy boy.

- Whoa, whoa, damn girl.

- What?

I mean you didn't notice you

almost knocked my chest off?

Are you going to cry about

it all night like little girl?

No, I'm just saying

you may want to ease up

with the sweep.

[Zofia] You have good night.

You're a b*tch.

What the f*ck was that?

I didn't know women could hit that hard.

Come on.

Dude, they're from Poland.

They were invaded by Nazis and Soviets.

They were under Communist rule for decades

and fought that sh*t till the bitter end.

They probably still have

underground fight clubs just

in case they got to

fight the commies again.

I mean, true.

But still.

I got my first one of

the night out the way.

Now you can see things get a little weird

when you're not using game.

Now for what you need

Hey, hey, hey.

There's a two set by the

old jukebox calling his name.

Listen, before you head over there,

it's not just about getting the girl.

We want maximum arousal.

You want her basement flooded.

Exactly.

And how do you achieve

maximum female arousal?

[Both] Forbidden fruit.

Now listen, when I pull into a small town

and I see Confederate

flags flying, I know I'm about

to start popping p*ssy in no time.

Dads are telling their

daughters not to date Black guys.

You know what happens.

But what about us?

How to achieve

something like the forbidden

Fruit.

Now, listen, take those

beautiful women over there.

They've probably never been

to Africa, but what we want

to do is approach them

like African tribeswomen,

and you're throwing

a spear their direction.

And the spear is a

metaphor for your d*ck.

Yes, A metaphor.

But you have to remember,

men like to communicate overtly.

Women prefer to communicate covertly.

Okay?

- Okay.

- All right, go over there.

Get your first approach out the way.

You got this.

You got this, Stan.

Okay.

Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got this.

Exactly.

(upbeat music)

Oh.

You just got rocked, son.

Dude, what happened?

[Stan] Yeah, apparently

they weren't really

into the whole African spear d*ck routine.

What?

Wait, you led with that?

[Stan] Well, you didn't

tell me not to lead with it.

Oh my.

You know what guys?

This is my fault.

We need to go through the

process with him step by step.

[Both] Agreed.

Remember this.

All solid openings have

one thing in common.

They're different from

what women are used to.

(cymbal crashing)

How do men usually open up women?

[Stan] I don't know.

Introduce themselves and

tell her she looks beautiful?

[Person] Exactly.

Never do that.

[Stan] Why not?

Because you're putting yourself

in the same category

as thousands of other simps online

telling her the exact same thing.

We're going with indirect game here.

Start with some questions.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a female opinion on this.

Good.

You're going with the

jealous girlfriend opener

and they haven't shut you down.

Now before you get too

into it, a woman will worry

that if she gets into a

conversation with a guy,

he'll latch onto her all night.

So we're going to torch that concern

right off the bat with

a fake time constraint.

(cymbal crashing)

No, I totally agree

and that's what I've been

saying this whole time.

Hey, I actually got to get

out of here in like five minutes,

but do you mind if I

take a seat for a minute?

No.

[Stan] And what if five minutes pass

and she's really interested?

Wouldn't I be lying if I

stayed past five minutes?

Trust me, she won't care.

Okay, she's reached the hook point.

She's giving you a legit shot.

Now it's time to DHV,

demonstrate high value.

(cymbal crashing)

[Stan] How do I do that?

For now, we need to

show that you can bring fun

and intrigue on your own.

There's routines and chit-crack quizzes

that reveal general

aspects of her personality.

They're not difficult to memorize.

Okay, looks like you're going

with the palm reading routine,

kind of the lamest one.

But it seems to be working

and that's what matters.

And now that we've DHV'd, isolate.

(cymbal crashing)

The purpose of isolation

is it's almost impossible

to make an emotional

connection with distractions.

In other words, her friends

or any possible male orbiters around.

Once you've isolated,

now, it's the perfect time

to delve into deeper conversations

to create that emotional connection.

(cymbal crashing)

So if you knew that you

couldn't fail at anything,

what would be the first

thing that you do tomorrow?

First thing I would do is

Okay, it looks like the

emotional connection is clicking.

[John] This is when kino really matters.

(cymbal crashing)

[Stan] Kino?

Kinesthesia, touching.

Are you familiar with oxytocin?

[Stan] You mean oxycodone?

- No, my pill-popping friend.

- Come on.

Oxytocin, the love hormone.

It facilitates bonding between people.

Once the emotional connection is there,

kino can really pump

oxytocin like nobody's business.

Here we go.

Time to touch.

All right, that worked to perfection.

Now it's time for the kiss close.

(cymbal crashing)

We all use different ones

and you've heard all of our pitches.

Now, which kiss close are you going to use?

- Yo, pick mine, bro.

- You know mines is the best.

So on a scale from one to 10, how good

of a kisser are you?

I don't know.

Let's find out.

(all cheering)

(all chattering)

(upbeat music)

(birds chirping)

(both laughing)

Anyway, it's such a double standard.

If guys saw female volleyball players

slapping each other's

butts after a good play,

they'd be like, "Look at

that hot l*sbian action."

But when they do it on the

football field, it's supposed

to be this super heterosexual

display of manliness.

Well, there are rules

to the football butt slap.

What rules?

First, open flat hands, no cussing.

Second, only one slap per butt.

And last but not least,

no looking at a dude's

butt after you slap it.

Okay.

Even so, think about when

it's appropriate for a butt slap.

Well, after a good play, of course.

And after a bad play.

Don't worry about it, you'll bounce back.

Boom, butt slap.

After a bad play, boom, butt slap.

After a good play, butt slap.

It's like why can't guys just admit it?

Getting a little g*y with each other

during the game hypes them up.

- No shame.

- Well, maybe.

And when I point out their hypocrisy,

they love to point out

my alleged l*sbian encounter in college.

Alleged?

It's like guys think

that every girl who

went to college had this,

"I'm not sure if I'm a l*sbian" phase,

had a l*sbian encounter, and then decided

to go strictly dickly for

the rest of their lives.

Well, did you?

Moving on.

(both laughing)

[Misty] Damn it.

[Jessica] So, what's on your mind?

Well, how's the love life these days?

(sighing) You know,

just enjoying the single life

these days.

Pretty much going out

with Netflix right now.

Yeah.

I remember those days.

So, when do you think

you'll be ready to date again?

Mmm, who knows?

Probably not going to be serious

about a long-term relationship for a while.

What do you mean?

You were much happier when

you were in a relationship.

Maybe, but I never

needed a man to be happy.

No, no.

Of course not.

You were just happier.

And I mean, that's what matters.

Maybe.

But maybe I'll be happier

focusing on my career.

I'll play the fields, have some fun.

Don't look at my cards.

And, you know, wait till I'm 40

or something before I settle down.

I don't know, Jessica.

Come on.

Guys do it all the time.

I mean, they wait till their 40s or 50s

before settling down, like

Clooney, to start a family.

That is true.

And Clooney is still fine as hell.

But it's just different with guys.

How?

Well, the difference between male potency

and female fertility.

Ew.

What?

Is this Paul talking?

No, it's not.

Oh, my God.

These are actually my views.

And maybe it's sexist for

you to think they're not.

I'm just saying.

I didn't mean it like that.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just saying in the two years

since you've been dating Paul,

it's like you've absorbed

him through osmosis.

I mean, yes, it's your views, but

But Jessica, you've

known Paul your whole life.

You know he's right sometimes.

Sometimes.

Okay.

Just hear me out.

As long as men are breathing,

it's possible they can father a child.

Three out of four men over the age

of 70 can get a woman pregnant.

Yeah.

But without the help of

Viagra or some procedure.

Yes, obviously.

But I mean, with women,

we start to lose our fertility in our 30s.

Now Jessica, you know I'm all about choice.

Yes, choice.

I get it.

I'll support your choice if

that's really what you want,

but I just want you to weigh out the pros

and cons of each choice

before you make one.

Our time frame for biological motherhood

is just less than men's.

(sighing) Yeah.

And that's not fair.

It's not fair.

But what do you want me to do?

Sign a petition and send it up to God?

It is what it is.

Also, there's one other thing.

What?

If you're going to focus on your career,

shouldn't you actually like your job?

You hate your job.

(scoffing) I haven't found my niche.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, Paul and I want to set you up

with somebody when you're ready.

Will you at least consider it?

Whatever.

What do you mean whatever?

(sighing) Fine.

I'll consider it.

Good. (Chuckling)

And you promise to come

over and hang out with me

and Paul this weekend?

Sure.

Is John going to be there?

Probably.

But Kelly will be there too.

We should have them outnumbered.

Okay.

[Misty] Good.

(upbeat music)

[John] What up?

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, ladies.

Slater.

What's up, my boy?

[All] Oh.

- John.

- You guys all play?

John, we were all

just talking about this,

and even you'll think

this guy's a major as*h*le.

Oh?

Even me?

Even I will think he's a d*ck?

So tell me, why is this guy a d*ck?

This jerk.

So he goes on a date with

a woman he met online,

and the next day he texts

her saying she's too fat

for a long-term relationship.

Well, did she catfish him?

No, John, she didn't catfish him.

Her profile photos were recent

and it showed her profile page.

Well, then we all know

what happened, right?

What?

What do you think happened, John?

Nothing but headshots.

It's true, isn't it?

It doesn't matter.

Probably at a high angle too.

It doesn't matter if

it was only headshots,

he should have been more respectful.

True.

Yeah, he should have just ghosted her

or told her he was g*y or something.

But let's not forget her part in all this.

Being a victim from

going out with an as*h*le?

Jessica, this is what fat women do.

Wow.

[John] They hide their

weight through high angles

and trick photography.

Fat by whose standards?

Her own standards.

Knowing that the guy she

wants online ain't going

to message her back when they see

those love handles and back fat.

Ugh.

I can't believe you're defending him.

I mean, this is too much even for you.

Even for me?

Again?

All right.

I'm not defending the guy.

I'm just saying that she's

at least partially responsible.

As for him, he's mostly

guilty of being naive.

Come on.

Any man with any understanding

of online dating knows

that if you meet a woman

who has only headshots,

then you're rolling the dice

with a very low chance of success at best.

(upbeat music)

Okay.

So, he's mostly guilty, but not

for the jerk text message

he sent, for being naive?

Yeah.

Maybe it's what she needed to hear.

Here we go with the tough love talk.

She's single for a reason.

Maybe guys lying about

this bullshit was hurting her

in the long run.

I can't, I can't reason with you.

Okay.

Needing to know a woman's weight

before you date her is shallow.

End of story.

Mmm.

No, not end of story.

What about you asking men how tall

they are before you meet them?

How did you know that?

Did you hack my dating profile

- Oh.

- Before I was with Ken?

I didn't, but you just told me, baby.

Yeah.

Why are you guys laughing?

I don't get it.

What is it?

Jessica, before I was

with Misty, I did my fair share

of online dating and pretty

much every woman asked me

how tall I was before we met.

I mean, hey, tell me, have

you ever met a woman online

who didn't ask how tall

you were before you met?

Man, I put my height

in my profile description

so they don't have to ask me.

But you put it in your profile

because you knew they would ask, right?

- No.

- Right?

No, it's not the same.

It's different, okay?

Yeah, it's so much worse.

Because you can change your weight.

How the f*ck are you

going to change your height?

That's a fair point.

That's a moot point in this climate.

What do you think?

Well, I mean, it is

kind of hypocritical for us

to get upset over them checking our weight

when we're always checking their height.

- Oh, my god.

- Finally, some sanity.

Okay.

All right. Let's just take a short break.

Come on, guys.

- Let's girl talk outside.

- Yeah.

I'm already out the door.

I'll be here when you get back.

(both laughing)

You're going to be gone

in a week, it doesn't matter.

Why did you have to bring him here?

I mean, he's my cousin and

Paul's best friend, he's going

to be over here.

Besides, what else are you going

to do tonight other than watch Netflix?

Mmm.

See, this is why you

should start dating again.

Think of it as a fun third

option for your free time.

Yeah.

I'm going to have fun

with my third option tonight,

if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, you're going to do it tonight.

Listen, I promise he's nothing like John.

He's a real sweetheart.

Just give him a chance.

Yeah, a real good chance.

Ew.

- Would you stop?

- Okay.

Okay.

I'll go out with him.

To boys?

To boys.

To boys.

(upbeat music)

A day date?

Why are you setting her up for failure?

I'm not, because the day

dates equal friend zone argument

is a myth.

There are plenty of day dates that lead

to successful relationships.

Provided it's not the first date.

Our first date

No.

First dates during the daytime are fine.

And besides, you should be proud of me,

I convinced her to go to a

barbecue for their first date.

Now, she initially did not want to go.

Wait.

Misty, is barbecue chicken involved?

Yeah.

Why?

Why would you do that?

This is going to be way

worse than a typical day date.

What are you talking about?

Misty, where is this barbecue?

At Oakland Terrace.

Why? Are you going to go

save her from the evil barbecue?

Yes.

Oh, come on.

(all chattering)

So, tell me about yourself.

Where are you from originally?

I was born in Tupelo, but

I don't really remember it.

My parents moved here when I was two.

So, even though...

Even though you were

Even though I was born in Mississippi,

I still consider myself from Panama City.

Sounds crazy considering I was born there,

and so was Elvis, you'd think that...

You'd think that I

would've gone back to visit.

(high pitch frequency resonating)

(all groaning)

Oh, sh*t.

(upbeat music)

(all grunting)

You f*cking animal.

Use your f*cking napkins.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

(upbeat music)

(Jessica sighing)

Okay.

So, there is some good

news, they promise not

to press charges as

long as you promise never

to see him or his family ever again.

Fair enough.

Hey, I love you.

I love you too.

(chuckling) Come on.

(car dinging)

f*ck.

How do you keep scoring on me?

It's a little thing called finesse.

And all right.

Sorry, John.

There is no asterisk next to

thou shall not commit adultery

in the 10 Commandments, all right?

Look, it's not thou shall

not commit adultery asterisk

unless your wife isn't giving enough BJs.

Yeah.

But it's bullshit.

If she was doing her job as a wife,

then you wouldn't have to go out

Doing her job as a wife?

What are you talking about?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Since you brought up the

Bible, technically spouses

aren't supposed to turn

each other down for sex.

We're sold a false bill

of goods growing up.

Okay.

What bill of goods?

Yeah.

The supposed future of a good Christian boy

who waits until marriage.

Yes, no fornication

before your wedding vows.

Then you and your dream

girl f*ck like rabbits for the rest

of your life.

But it doesn't go down

like that, now does it Paul?

They said it just like that?

Yeah, they said it just like that.

We went to different churches.

Yeah.

No, they're the red ones.

All right.

So how does it end, then, john?

Little to no sex.

Dudes are jumping through

hoops for breadcrumbs.

Meanwhile, women are

manipulating their husbands

by withholding the f*cking

until she gets whatever she wants.

John, not all women are like that.

And besides, everyone

knows that sex goes downhill

after marriage, at least for some.

I knew you were going to pull that.

Nawal rebuttal.

And no, sex does not have

to go downhill after marriage.

I mean, sure, logistically after kids,

the frequency's not there.

But the desire, the

spontaneity, the passion.

Look at those couples who've

been married for over 50 years.

You've seen it, he pinches

her butt, she giggles,

sh*t like that.

Okay. It sounds like

they're still in love.

You are missing the point.

They are still f*cking.

And do you know why they're still in love

and f*cking after all these years?

Why, John?

Because they stayed in his frame.

He didn't become submissive to her.

This whole happy wife, happy life bullshit

where the guy goes into, "Yes, honey."

"Whatever you want, honey" mode 24/7.

She gets turned off, that's not sexy.

John, there's nothing

wrong with making sacrifices

for your woman, all right?

It's an important part of a

health relationship, my dude.

Yeah.

As long as the concessions

come from both sides.

But that's not how the

modern married man operates.

And it's always,

(chuckling) "She's the boss."

And do you know what happens

after he becomes submissive to her?

What?

She thinks that he's beneath her.

And then, sex with you, not

you specifically, I'm talking

about the general you, the royal you.

Yeah, I get that.

Yeah.

So, sex with you becomes a chore

at best and repulsive at worst.

Then than the inevitable nagging.

Despite the popular opinion among men

that women enjoy nagging or

are somehow programmed to do it,

they don't enjoy it and they don't want to.

And what makes it worse is

that when she does occasionally

let you have sex with her,

it is straight-up b*tch sex.

She just lays there like a dead starfish.

And what makes it worse than that?

She was probably banging

dudes left and right back

in her college days.

Think about that for a second.

She was a sl*t for all these other dudes,

and now she's a prude with you?

Pardon the poor Trump

impression, but worst trade deal ever.

Hey, man, I'm just worried

about you losing your frame.

And how am I losing my frame exactly?

Dude, I can't believe you don't see it.

She redecorated your whole place

and you're pretty much

a full-fledged vegetarian.

Okay. She put a couple of

flamingos around the place.

Yeah.

Flamingos.

There are only three acceptable

birds for a man's place.

Bald eagle, Turkey, red-tailed hawk.

Okay.

Flamingos can be manly, all right?

They're pink and they're

shaped like ballerinas.

Anyway, with the vegetarian thing,

it's Monday through Friday

and it's to lower my saturated fat

and cholesterol intake, okay?

And veggie foods nowadays aren't that bad.

You should maybe give it a shot, Mr.

Never.

I am the ultimate alpha male meat-eating

m*therf*cker, m*therf*cker.

And you used to be too.

Now you're losing your frame.

Before it's too late, you need

to pound a cheeseburger

in front of that b*tch

like you pound that p*ssy.

Hey, she's your cousin.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Sorry, I just got caught

up in the red pill moment.

Yeah.

- That was my bad.

- It's not a good look.

I didn't feel good.

But the message still remains.

You must keep your frame.

Whatever, man.

(game warbling)

(upbeat music)

[Announcer] He's got it, amazing!

Love these cards.

Hey, everyone.

This is Stacey.

- Whoa.

- Nice to meet you, Stacey.

Whoa, hold up.

What?

Stacey, how old are you?

What?

Why?

I mean, this is an adult only party.

What?

Are y'all swingers or something?

No, no.

We're just going to be drinking and talking

about adult things and you look like you

could be a freshman in high school.

Look, I'm 19 and a half, almost 20.

(sighing) You know what?

I believe you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Still going to need

to see some ID, though.

Really, Misty?

Bro, come on.

All right.

All right.

Just humor her and get

it out of the way, okay?

No biggie.

Thank you.

You know what?

I'm not taking this anymore.

This is bullshit.

No, babe.

Babe, don't go.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Did what?

Save you from statutory r*pe?

You saw her ID?

She's 19 and a half, okay?

Now, go and apologize to her?

John, she's a baby.

How did you two even meet?

At the mall, okay?

What does it matter?

God, the mall?

Of course you would.

That's disgusting.

Dude, I can't believe you're

letting her c*ck block me.

All right.

All right.

Babe, Misty.

- Please.

- What?

Please, don't let your

cousin get blue ba*ls tonight.

Okay, fine.

If you're cool with him

joining the babysitter's club,

I'll go apologize.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Love you.

Rocking that cradle, huh?

She's 19 and a half.

Listen, I call it Costanza's Law, okay?

It's not really a lie if you believe it.

That's why women are

such better liars than men,

they believe their own bullshit.

You know, John, maybe

we're just complicated

and you really don't get us.

And if by complicated you mean

you don't know what the f*ck's going on

in your own head half the time?

Sure.

Think about the old, "I'm just looking"

"for a nice guy" Who do they go home with?

The bad boy.

Am I right or am I right?

Whooo.

(all laughing)

There is a theory by a

psychiatrist, a woman,

who said that women go

for guys who are not ready

for a long-term relationship.

And the girls, they're just

not ready to settle down.

I like him.

Yeah. You might just

make it to the second date.

(Misty chuckling)

So she usually ends

up marrying the nice guy,

so she wasn't full of sh*t when she said

that was the kind of guy she wanted.

No, she's just fulfilling her

female dual mating strategy.

Oooh, dual mating strategy.

That means two.

Ow.

I genuinely want to hear about this one.

Please tell me there's

some kind of red pill

nickname or something for this.

Yes, there is.

I'm so happy you asked.

Alpha f*ck, beta bucks.

Alpha f*ck, beta bucks.

I love it.

Please proceed.

Okay.

So, women's reproductive

instincts desire three things

from a man, good genes,

provisions, and parental investment.

Now, ideally, she finds

all three in one man.

But over the past few hundred years,

that has become exceedingly rare.

I can agree with that.

That's a burn on you, dude.

So ultimately, she has to choose.

Oh, and how does she

know which one to choose?

How does she fulfill her

female dual mating strategy?

Well, I will tell you, Jessica.

So when a woman is in her physical peak,

in the ages of her

highest fertility, late teens,

early 20s, her body drives

her towards the good genes.

Oh, I see.

You mean the alphas, right?

Sure.

The guys that really turn you on.

Good-looking, bold, spontaneous,

the bad boys, whatever.

It's the guys that give you

the tingles in your vagingles.

God.

And then?

And then, when she's past her prime

Excuse me, past her prime?

Yeah.

When she's getting close to 30.

Women in their 30s

are still in their prime,

and sometimes they're hotter.

Yeah.

Whatever, Misty.

Even if they are hotter, which they're not,

a high-value man isn't

going to pick a 35-year-old

over a 22-year-old.

Well, he would if he

valued her life experience.

Yeah, life experience.

See, this is when women

who are past their prime

start gaming the beta providers.

"Oh, when I was younger and

banging all those other dudes

and wouldn't give you the

time of day, I was just confused.

I didn't know what I wanted.

But now that I'm matured,

I see that you're the man of my dreams.

"You're my real fantasy."

So, women do use game.

Yeah.

And these beta chumps do fall for it.

These same women who,

in their partying years,

wouldn't f*ck those

dudes to save their lives,

all of a sudden have

an uncontrollable desire

for these beta providers.

And these guys wonder why the sex

is so bad after they commit.

You know, John,

for someone who thinks so little of women,

you sure do give us a lot of credit

for our alleged scheming.

Ring ring.

- Hello?

- Hey, Jessica.

It's Friday.

What should we do this weekend?

Oh, I don't know.

Study for the finals or go to the mall.

Mmm, I have a better idea.

What if we start conning men

into fulfilling our female

dual mating strategies? (Laughing)

Ring, ring.

Hello?

Alpha f*ck and beta bucks, b*tches.

Yeah.

(Misty imitating ape grunting)

(laughing) Ring, ring.

That was rude.

Listen, I don't think little of women,

I'm just providing

uncomfortable truths, okay?

Yeah.

And what do you think about this?

Huh?

Nothing.

Cool.

Nothing at all.

You know, John?

I think you may have found the one.

Me too.

[Jessica] A girl who doesn't notice

any of the things you say.

(all laughing)

Whatever.

Changing the subject.

You coming to the falls

with us this Sunday?

Not sure yet.

We are having a little get together

at Misty's parents next weekend.

Just you, Misty and them, huh?

Yeah.

They can't wait.

They know we're serious.

You just have to give them

some more time to warm up to you.

Yeah. Well, we have been

dating for two years now,

so maybe year three's the one.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Three years.

Three years.

(all cheering)

Dude, you got to go full on pescatarian.

You'll see your endurance

levels go through the roof.

I got to have meat sometimes, man.

Real meat.

Five times a week is tough enough for me.

Well, hopefully you've kept it lean.

But we'll see.

sh*t.

sh*t.

sh*t.

sh*t.

sh*t.

(both breathing heavily)

Bro, what's wrong with you?

Okay.

So my diet hasn't been the best,

but it's our second anniversary.

Dude, anniversary is like one day.

There's some other stuff too.

I tell you what though, a

white belt would surely be good

for my self-esteem right now.

Nah, man.

You know the rules.

No short-cutting the white belts.

You're right.

You're right.

I think I can still make happy hour.

Dude, it's a terrible alternative.

I'll chase my whiskey shots

with light beer just for you.

f*ck out of here.

Peace out.

(upbeat music)

Hey, good job. I see you

making a lot of progress

these last couple of months.

Well, thanks.

That's why I'm taking privates.

Hey, you know what they say?

One private lesson equals

to three group classes.

You ready?

Sure.

[Person] Hey.

Oh sh*t.

(bones crunching) Oh, f*ck!

Oh!

I am so sorry.

I don't mind taking him to the hospital.

No, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's not a problem.

Is there anything I could do for you?

No.

No, no, we're good.

- Just let me know, please.

Okay.

(door creaking)

(upbeat music)

Oh, Misty, did I tell you that I ran

into your Greg the other day?

And he's moved to Dothan

and starting his own practice.

Oh, Paul, pardon me.

Gregory and Misty used

to date before she met you.

He's a doctor, so

Yes, I assumed he was.

A doctor?

How would you know he's a doctor?

No, Misty's ex-boyfriend.

Last three times we've

spoken, you've brought up one

of her exes.

You see Paul, doctors

have to work long hours.

They wouldn't make it if

they worked part-time like you.

- Hey.

- Nope, it's okay.

(clearing throat) As I've

mentioned before, I work part-time

because I make a substantial amount

of residual income based

off of my years working

as an insurance salesman.

That was one of the perks of the job.

So you did what?

Just knocked on doors at people's houses?

Yes, I did make calls directly,

but I also used a method

called the pre-approach

where I would get information

and referrals on potential clients

before I would actually do

the work of going door to door.

And selling cancer insurance.

Cancer and accident.

- And how did you sell it?

- Well

You fear-mongered

people into cancer insurance

in their home.

Dad, seriously?

No, it's all right.

Um, people do buy cancer

insurance off of fear of loss.

And if I remember correctly,

you also have cancer insurance,

isn't that right?

Yeah, we have Aflac, had it for years.

We bought it from a duck.

Oh.

So you don't think it's a

little hypocritical that you

Okay.

Presents.

What a coincidence that my father

and my boyfriend have

birthdays on the same day.

Ooh.

I'm going to open this

one from Paul first, okay?

(sighing) Oh, Bay Beach's Spa.

Nice.

Hey, it's a VIP couple's

pass for the entire weekend

and there's no limit to the

amount of massages you can get.

Okay.

You next, okay?

Oh.

- Okay.

- Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

Love the wrapping.

One pair of socks.

It's amazing. (Chuckling)

We were walking through

the bargain bin the other day

and we saw those and we

thought this is perfect for you.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Just like my mother would've gotten me.

(groaning) It's like they've run out

of things about me to sh*t on,

so they just keep bringing

up old talking points.

I might as well have a prerecorded set

of rebuttals and play them off my phone.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I think with them, once

they see grand babies,

you'll be a hero.

I don't know.

My grandmother only

started liking my dad after him

and mom got divorced,

and that was after two kids.

So, how into Stacy is John?

He's really starting to warm up to her.

I think I might just win this thing.

Well, don't get too c*ck,

because Jessica's got a date

with a guy that's just her type.

- Hm, her type?

- Yeah, a male feminist.

What?

What?

No.

What?

This is perfect.

Shut up.

(upbeat music)

- Hey.

- Hi.

Good to meet you.

Good to meet you too.

(Jessica sighing)

Great to see you.

Yeah.

(sighing) Well, hopefully I didn't

keep you waiting too long.

No, no.

I got off work early, so I just

came early for Happy Hour.

Are you ready for another

order of cheese curds?

Sure, that'd be awesome.

And another one of these.

[Waiter] Okay, absolutely.

And sir, what are you drinking?

I'll have what she's having.

Too easy.

I'll be right back with those.

So, tell me about yourself.

I love this.

In a male-dominated society, it's expected

that the man initiate

and steer the conversation,

but you reject that, you took

control of the conversation.

More power to you.

You're going to need some

more time with the menu?

Thank you.

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

(chuckling) So, tell me about yourself.

Mmm.

Where do you want me to begin?

I mean, when I first

learned about women's rights

or when I was a kid?

(Jessica laughing)

Oh, okay.

How about when you were a kid?

Where are you from originally?

Mmm.

I'm from Dothan.

Not the best place for

people like you and me,

you know what I'm saying?

Sexism.

Perfectly acceptable.

Okay.

I mean, my mom didn't

even have a problem with this.

When I was, when I was...

[Jessica] You all right?

This isn't easy, but

when I was eight years old,

me and my friends, we had a boys-only club.

The kind that wouldn't allow girls in.

(chuckling) I guess that's why

they called it a boys-only club.

Right.

It just, it just hurts sometimes, you know?

If I were a woman, I know I

wouldn't be treated equally.

Mm-hmm.

And what am I even supposed

to do about it right now?

I'm only entry-level.

Um, f*ck it, let's change the subject.

Uh, you do sports in high school?

You look pretty fit.

Yeah.

I chose the most toxic one.

That's what you're pressured

to do when you're from Alabama.

I played football.

Okay.

But hey, maybe it was the

best. I mean, it gave me a place

to get out my natural male aggression

on the field instead of more harmful ways.

But still, I feel that...

This is me.

Well, this has been really fun.

We should do it again sometime.

Yeah.

Hey Jessica, I actually wanted

to ask your permission for something.

Uh, sure.

Can I kiss you goodnight?

(high pitch frequency resonating)

You know you wish you

were with an alpha right now.

These male feminists,

they don't give you the tingle

in your vajingle jangle.

You know it and I know it.

Sure.

But come inside first?

Initiative.

Can I touch your leg?

Sure.

Can I kiss your neck?

Sure, but you don't have to ask.

Jessica.

Jessica.

Jessica.

What?

Are we going to have sexual intercourse?

Probably.

Then I'm going to

need your written consent.

(paper rustling)

(scoffing) You seriously

brought this with you?

Yeah.

See, I knew you would understand.

Okay, sign right here for intercourse.

Great.

And if you sign here, that's

actually giving me permission

to squeeze your left

buttock for up to 20 seconds.

Great, great.

And sign right here, this is

actually giving me permission

to fondle both of your

breasts for up to 30 seconds.

f*ck sake.

Great.

(crickets chirping)

(Jessica snoring)

Jessica.

Jessica.

Jessica!

Hm?

What?

(Jessica groaning)

Jessica.

Hm?

(objects clattering)

Can you go see what that noise is?

Oh, so I should be

flattered that you lied to me?

Well, think of it this way.

You were and still are so hot

and awesome that I felt I had

to commit a little trickery in

order to increase my chances.

As I say, you never get a second chance

to make a good first

impression on the first date.

But you bought Peter Palace

and then threw away the packaging

to make me think you cooked it.

Yeah.

I should have thrown away

those packages in the dumpster.

That was my bad.

That's what you regret?

Well, I wasn't being totally dishonest.

I have considered going to culinary school.

I know.

You haven't.

Maybe I will.

Maybe you should.

Yes, on our second anniversary,

I'm pressuring you to commit

to something you should

have commit to a long time ago.

Sure thing.

I'll sign up next week.

Good.

(phone chiming)

Oh.

Uber's on its way.

So, something I wanted to ask you.

Yes?

How serious do you think

John really is with Stacey?

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Oh my God, Kelly.

- What?

It is so fake, especially

when I hear it from one

of those international supermodels.

When I hear, "I think that

beauty comes from within,"

I'm like, b*tch, you really think

you made all those millions

based off of your inner beauty?

Like shut the up and get

back to your pose already.

Oh my God.

Well, it's a good message though.

And you should support

her instead of trying

to bring her down.

Oh.

I should support her when she says dumb,

fake sh*t like that.

Why?

Because she's a woman?

Well, yeah.

Okay.

Let's say I take a sh*t in your car.

Ew, gross Kelly.

[Kelly] No, hear me out.

Let's say you take a sh*t

in your car and it's a big,

nasty, steamy dump

on the front of your car.

- Yeah.

- You going to support

my deuce just because I'm a woman?

What's your point exactly?

My point is that I don't

agree with this idea that we

as women should support and encourage

each other just because.

I think it's counterproductive.

Guys do it all the time.

No, they don't.

I mean, guys rip on

each other all the time.

Like how?

Are you serious right now?

I mean, okay, think back

to junior high, you know?

Guys could just be chilling with each other

at the lunch table, but as

soon as a pretty girl sits down,

they're going to start

insulting each other.

Yes.

It's like there's this

caveman part of their brains.

"Ooh, ooh, pretty girl

here, must insult other men.

- Ooh, oooh, oooh."

- "Mine, mine, mine!"

And it's like the closer the friends,

the more they diss each other for fun.

Yeah.

It's like they're so afraid

of their man crushes,

they compensate with insults as jokes.

So true.

Yeah, but they don't

pit men against each other

like they try to do with women.

[Both] Yeah, they do.

I mean, that's one of

their favorite pastimes.

Yeah, why do you

think they're so obsessed

with their rankings?

Mm.

"Ooh, Brady's the best of all time."

"No, Marina's the best."

"No, Montana's the best."

- "No, Manning's the best."

- "You suck, bro."

"No, you suck, bro."

"Suck my ba*ls, bro."

"You suck my ba*ls, bro."

(both laughing)

Okay.

All right.

Let's change the subject.

Okay.

You said you had something to tell us?

Oh, are you planning

a surprise birthday party

for Paul again?

No.

No, it's actually way bigger than that.

I'm going to ask Paul to marry me.

What?

Really?

Oh, when?

Monday, after he gets home from work.

He knows I'm not super traditional

and I think it'll be something to remember.

Besides, we've talked about

getting married and having kids.

I'm not sure why he hasn't

asked me yet, but why wait?

You know?

What?

I'm just trying to process this.

You don't think he'll

be mad that I ask him

to marry me, right?

Even if he was, he'd get over it.

Well, what do you think?

Uh, I think you two

should have gotten married

a long time ago.

You know, it's just

Just what?

Um, well, he's a southern

Baptist preacher's kid, right?

That's about as traditional

as you can get, so

So you think he will be mad if I propose?

No, no, it's not that.

It's just, well, think of other

southern Baptist men you know.

I mean, max, they date a

girl a year before asking them

for marriage, and if Paul hasn't asked you

to marry him yet, then

Then what?

Say it.

[Kelly] Maybe there's something wrong.

Something wrong?

There's nothing wrong

with our relationship.

No, not that there is,

I'm just saying maybe there's something

Like what?

I mean, what could it possibly be?

I'm sure it's going to be okay.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Yeah, you two are

going to get married, okay?

We know it.

(Misty sighing)

What were you thinking?

You never bring your

girlfriend to jiu-jitsu

when you're a white belt.

Why not?

I mean, she knew I was a beginner.

Stan, women will never

admit this, but they f*cking love

when men could beat

the sh*t out of other men.

Thousands of years ago,

women would hurl themselves at gladiators.

These days, the finest porn stars line up

to date MMA fighters.

That's why she's not calling you back.

No.

No, no, no.

That can't be it, man.

I'm telling you, she is

not like the other girls.

Oh, is she not?

Is she not like the other girls?

Think about that bullshit

"I'm not like the other guys"

line we give to women.

They do the same routine, they're like,

"Oh, I'm not like the other girls.

I'm like, (exclaiming)."

It's bullshit.

She is a woman and her biology

is driving her towards the alpha male.

As soon as she saw you

get destroyed on the mat,

she lost interest.

She's probably fantasizing about banging

that other dude as we speak.

You know what?

This is my fault.

I should have warned you about the dangers

of being new to game.

What dangers?

Like beginner's luck and

getting stuck with a girlfriend

when you should be spinning plates.

Oh, beginner's luck?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

I've been in sales my

entire adult life and I took

to the game like a fish and water.

You are just jealous.

Jealous?

Yeah.

Dude, my game could run

circles around your game, okay?

As soon as your arm

heals, I'm going to show you

who's the boss, both in

and outside the office.

And when my arm heals, I'll show you

who the real game guru is.

Oh, I would love to

see you try to a-mog me.

But first, as your boss here, crushing it,

breaking all your own records.

High five.

Yeah.

(both grunting)

Second, as your game guru, I can't wait

to put you in your place.

Now, get back to work, your break's over.

- sh*t, you're right.

- Yeah, f*ck off.

Okay, okay.

So we've heard my closing

arguments as why I think the 2000s

is a better decade

than the '80s, which it is.

But now those in favor of the '80s.

Rick Astley, "Never Gonna Give You Up",

and Steve Winwood,

"Higher Love", enough said.

(fingers snapping)

Okay.

All right.

Jessica?

Uh, boys in short shorts, enough said.

Cheers.

How dare you objectify?

Kelly?

Well, the '80s were better

because it was the last decade

before battle dancing.

What's wrong with battle dancing?

The fact that it's the dumbest sh*t ever.

Maybe.

What's so dumb about it?

Well, for starters,

who's a better dancer than

who is completely subjective,

which renders battle dancing pointless.

No.

There's awesomeness and then there's not.

Shall we?

Of course.

- Oh.

- No.

No, no, no, no.

I don't like where this is going.

- You got to go do it.

- I don't like that look.

(upbeat music) Oh

(singer vocalizing)

Come on, come on, come on, oh

You just got served, b*tch.

Okay.

(Paul clapping)

Which brings me to my second point.

There's no defense in battle dancing.

So for you to come at me with

the classic, "You got served,"

as if I just got dunked

on, your crisp dance moves

have no reflection on me.

But your response does.

So try to serve us back.

And my third and final point,

whenever I bring up my

disdain for battle dancing,

its defenders respond by trying

to pressure me into dancing.

- So?

- So what?

So, why are you so afraid to dance?

Yeah.

You're missing the point.

- Ooooh.

- She's scared to dance.

(upbeat music)

I can tell something's on your mind.

No.

I just can.

So, what's on your mind?

You.

Me?

Yeah.

Anything in particular?

Stuff.

Stuff?

Yeah.

She was so perfect.

I can't believe I got one it is. (Sobbing)

Oneitis?

You know, when you

start focusing on one girl

and you lose her because you get needy.

I can't believe I went full bad. (Sobbing)

You know, not to rain on

your pity parade or anything,

but isn't that kind of the point?

What?

Getting needy?

No, the one it is.

Isn't that kind of the point of being

in a monogamous relationship,

focusing on one woman?

You don't get it.

You're not red-pilled, but

you're not blue-pilled either.

You're purple-pilled.

Yeah, sure, John.

You know, I'm not a Jedi

yet, but I'm pretty sure

that focusing on one

woman doesn't necessarily

make you needy.

Enough of this sh*t.

Get yourself together,

man, this is way too much.

How could you say that to me right now?

Because this, this

pitiable mass of tears,

sweat and other odors I can't even imagine,

is not expressing the proper emotions

for your current breakup.

Proper emotions?

Man, if we were women,

you'd be supporting me

right now instead of being an a*s true.

If we were women.

But we're not, are we?

And as men, this is what

gives us the winning edge.

Calling out bullshit when we see it.

Bullshit?

What's bullshit?

You and Stacey's

relationship was bullshit.

What are you talking about?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The real question is what were you

and Stacey ever talking about?

She was on her phone the entire

damn time you were together.

That's just Gen Z,

man, that's how they are.

Well, f*ck Generation Z.

It's more like Generation Suck On Z's Nuts.

What?

Whatever.

Look, no, tell me the truth, John.

What's the real reason you're so upset?

Hmmm?

In the bedroom she was top shelf.

She was top shelf. (Sobbing)

Thank you.

Thank you for being honest with me.

Come here, buddy.

Come here.

Thank you.

This feels good.

And now I give the

gift of tough love to you.

(John groaning)

Get over it.

Look at me.

Look.

It was a disaster from the start.

All right?

All right?

Good.

Now get over it, man.

Yeah, no.

He'll be just fine.

You wouldn't believe the amount

of tears running down his face.

So that boy is definitely

hydrated, I'll tell you that.

Hey, let me call you back.

- Hey.

- Hey.

My God.

Little spontaneous

romance, middle of the week?

You know I'm down.

What?

Paul?

These past two years with you

have been the happiest years

of my life.

Me too.

I was meant to be with

you, and you were meant

to be with me.

I just love you so much.

So, Paul,

will you marry me?

Misty, um, let's sit down.

Are you mad that I proposed?

No.

Of course not.

I just...

What's wrong then?

Nothing's wrong.

I just

Just...

I just don't know

about marriage right now.

What's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you.

Don't you see me as your future wife

and the mother of your children?

Of course, I do.

Then why don't you want to marry me?

Is it someone else?

No, of course not.

Why would you say that?

Then what is it?

(door clicking)

Misty.

(soft jazz music)

(birds chirping)

(soft jazz music continues)

(birds chirping)

(phone buzzing)

(soft jazz music continues)

(glass shattering)

(phone buzzing)

(phone clicking)

(soft jazz music continues)

(door clicking)

(door clicking)

(door clicking)

(birds chirping)

(hand knocking on door)

(door clicking) Misty.

I am so sorry.

I'm not...

Paul.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music continues)

[Host] Let's get into the game.

The final game of this

competition, which begins

with these categories: We

have Writer's Words followed

by Seconds, Slinging

Arrows, (phone buzzing)

Then A Capital Idea,

The Department of Homeland Security,

and finally, Foreign Language.

(upbeat music)

(door clicking)

Beer in the fridge.

I'm good.

So, how are things?

Out-f*cking-standing.

Well, Misty's so depressed

that she doesn't even want to eat.

Kelly and I have been taking shifts

to make sure she eats enough.

Jessica was MIA for a while,

but she's going over to

hang out with her tonight.

Thoughts?

Yeah.

I can imagine the guilty

conscience you'd feel

after you cheat.

Except she didn't cheat.

What do you mean she didn't cheat?

She had sex with another man.

Dude, when you turned her down

and let her walk out that door that night,

you ended the relationship

without knowing it.

That makes no sense.

Except it does.

Do you know how hard

it was for her to ask you

to marry her instead of

you being a man and asking

for it a long f*cking time ago?

Okay, hold up Mr. Red Pill.

How many times did you lectured me

on the dangers of marriage

for the modern man?

Now here you are, sitting here,

telling me I should have asked for her hand

to marry me a long time ago?

Dude, you know there's

always exceptions to the rule.

And Misty's the exception.

Yeah, dude, she's the best thing

that ever happened in your life.

Do you know... Wait, how do you know that?

You haven't known me my entire life.

Okay, Paul, you f*cking child.

Name one thing in your

life that's been better

than these last two years with Misty.

Yeah, exactly.

Do you know how much

she's sacrificed for you?

I've known Misty her entire life,

and I've never seen her go out

of way for a guy until she met you.

She even let you convince her

to watch "Star Wars" on Valentine's Day.

Okay, she loves George Lucas, it's not

You need to ask her to

forgive you for breaking up

with her that night.

f*ck this sh*t.

No, f*ck you, Paul.

Oh, we're going there now?

Yeah, and f*ck you for ruining her life.

Two f*cking years, man.

(door clicking)

(doorbell ringing)

It's open.

(door clicking)

- Hey.

- Hey.

Oh, do you want something to drink?

No, I'm good.

Just here for you.

How are you?

Not good.

Depressed.

After he turned me down,

I just felt so stupid and

embarrassed, and in a way, used.

Was he just using me to keep his bed warm

until real wifey material came along?

You know Paul better than that.

Well, I don't know him well enough

to know what's stopping

him from getting engaged.

All that in mind, Jeremy texted

me asking how I was doing,

and it just all happened so quick.

Like a car accident?

Yeah, like a big accident.

Like you just tripped

and fell on his d*ck?

What?

Cut the sh*t, Misty.

You cheated on Paul.

No, that is not fair.

I was in a really bad place and

"I was in a really bad

place and I didn't know

what I was doing."

You're a grown-a*s woman

who can make her own grown-a*s decisions.

You destroyed Paul when you cheated on him.

I didn't know if he was going to call me

or where the relationship was going, or

Well, maybe know next time

before you start f*cking other dudes.

God, you are being

such a b*tch right now.

I hate you.

(door clicking)

[Person] 4X optical zoom,

Schneider lens, photo printer, SD card.

Look at that horse.

Big teeth, the hooves.

Okay, my producer just told

me this, may in fact be a moth.

All right, got a clash

of the titans tonight.

We got our seasoned vet.

There's our star rookie.

Who's starting this off tonight?

I'll start things off.

Oh.

All right.

Stan's starting it off tonight.

What?

You mean the Polish girls

that almost knocked

me out three months ago.

They're insane.

Then I guess this will be a quick one.

Follow me.

(upbeat music)

Excuse me, ladies, would you happen to know

where the beautiful Polish women are?

I guess that's us.

Take a seat.

Oh, and please excuse my bodyguards.

They're here tonight

with me just to make sure

that no one gets a

little too handsy with me.

(laughing) You crazy boy.

Is that all you got, b*tch?

(record scratching)

(all chattering) (upbeat music)

[Person] What kind

of voodoo sh*t was that?

It's called a pickup

artist, not a pickup scientist.

This is an art form.

And?

And they're from Poland, so they're used

to the masculine men.

Every average man here is a

A weak beta.

Precisely.

And they are not going

to lower their standards.

No.

To make sure that their

potential sexual partner

isn't feminized, they felt the need

to dish out a masculinity test.

[John] You mean a sh*t test?

Oh, is that what it's

called in the man-osphere?

A sh*t test.

- Yeah.

- A sh*t test.

Sorry.

Sorry, sh*t test.

And since it was an

over-the-top sh*t, it required a...

An over-the-top response.

Okay.

That was awesome.

I know.

But don't think I'm

giving you the guru title yet.

- Hey, John.

- Huh?

You could be my wing at any time.

You could be my wing at any time.

(birds chirping)

- Hey.

- Hey, Kelly, Jessica.

What are you guys doing here?

Um, well,

I'm really sorry for the

last conversation we had,

but I'm here to make it up to you.

She did it.

Did what?

She convinced me that

battle dancing is awesome.

I don't believe that for a second.

Well, believe this.

(upbeat music)

All right, everybody.

Come check it out.

(upbeat music continues)

Okay, we're in.

Now, remember guys, I

cannot describe the level

of disdain Misty's parents and some

of her family members have for me.

All right?

They're going to come in hot.

Hey, before I forget,

I'm writing a romance novel

about a cook who teaches jiu-jitsu.

I call it, Love with a Hint of Jiu-Jitsu.

I was hoping you'd read it

and give me your thoughts.

Yeah, sure.

Anyway, remember just to

go in there and demobilize.

Compassionate jiu-jitsu.

- What?

- Yeah.

So in the streets, you want to take them

a little bit further than

you would on the mats

to make them tap.

That way you don't hurt them,

but they can't fight back

because a little compassionate jiu-jitsu.

I f*cking love it.

Anyway, we're wasting time.

So, ready, guys?

[All] Ready.

(car dinging)

(upbeat music)

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Oh, sh*t.

Whoa.

(tense music)

Whooo!

(tense music continues)

I'll save you (indistinct). (Screaming)

What hell's going on?

Get your hands off me.

Paul?

Stop, stop, stop.

All right, let's just hear

what he's got to say.

(soft organ music)

Is it all right if we

ignore the tradition

of asking for your

father's permission first?

(Misty laughing)

- Misty?

- Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

(all cheering) (soft music)

Love, sweet love.

Excuse me.

We were just hoping to get

a male opinion on something.

(upbeat music)

Oh, I'd be happy to, honey.

I lost my line.

I'd be happy to, honey. (Laughing)

(upbeat music)

Stan, when your knob

isn't getting slobbed

on a consistent basis, you're...

I'm sorry.

See, tell me why you didn't (indistinct).

[John] Well, Stanley, you're

going to be gone next week.

Why do I need to get to know you?

Yeah.

f*ck you, Slayer.

(all laughing)

[Misty] Why,

are you going to go save

her from the evil barbecue?

Yes.

- Come on.

- This f*cking door.

- All right, reset.

- This supposed to

Yeah, can you... How does this work?

Trust me, you're never going

to grow with that internet sh*t.

Okay?

Time to start.

You ready?

All right, let's go.

- Okay.

- All right.

One more time, slap him in the butt.

It says slap him in the face.

Do the cool walk.

Rocking that cradle, huh?

She's 19.

(indistinct)

[Director] Cut.

(all laughing)

- You ready, Marius?

- Yep.

- Action.

- Okay.

[Director] Action.

(person grunting)

Say, "sh*t."

I wasn't able to, so...

sh*t.

I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Yeah, it's going to be okay.

You two... Cut.

[Person] That's a cut.

It's more like generation

Cathra Zetas Jones,

suck on zees nuts.

- What?

- I don't know.

Look at me.

It was a disaster from the start.

All right?

Her name's Stacey.

I have nothing to go with that.

as*h*le.

She didn't even pay attention to you.

She was on TikTok the entire time.

I know it.

We all know it.

So you need to get your sh*t together,

get off of this god-damn

couch, and go and be a man.

(upbeat music)

(all laughing)