01x02 - Kelly & Craig

[bunniefuu]

(SUMMER LOVE BY SHERBET PLAYS)

Summer love is like no other love

Ooh, yeah

Summer love is like no other love

Ooh. ♪

('THIS GIRL' BY KUNGS VS

COOKIN' ON 3 BURNERS PLAYS)

Money rains from the sky above

But keep the change

'cause I've got enough

A little time and some tenderness

You'll never buy my love ♪

Oi.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHS) Packing light, hey?

Shush.

I thought yoga people were

more "one with everything"

than "one of everything".

Don't tell Mum. She'd k*ll me

if she knew I'd packed this much.

Jeez, that's harsh.

Even at the airport Jeez, that's harsh.

Even at the airport they

just make you pay more.

- Hey, look out.

- Oh!

You should take that, like, now.

We've paid for this house and I

think, to get our money's worth,

it's in our interest to have sex

in every single room, Miss Delaney.

You bet your sweet arse we are.

You keep your eyes off my sweet arse.

(MUSIC STOPS AND STARTS)

(GROANS)

- Oh, why

- (MUSIC CONTINUES TO STOP AND START)

Can you pass me the Bluetooth

instructions, please?

No. I'm looking for my

sunnies. Have you seen them?

Did you check your giant pile of crap?

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- Oh!

Maybe I didn't need to take that pill.

No, no, no, I'll help. I'll help.

Ah, where did you last

see them? Not helpful.

I remember you had them on at lunch

because I thought it was a genius move.

That way Mum couldn't

see you rolling your eyes

as she went on and on about the divorce.

You could even sneak in a quick nap.

Don't be like that. She was alright.

She told you my dad was dead.

She meant dead to her. She clarified.

- Only because I overheard it.

- Oh, sh*t.

I left them on the table when we

went inside to open the presents.

Can you call her, please?

Ooh, nah. Are you sure they're

not in here? Everything else is.

No, they're definitely on the

table. Just give her a ring.

Oh!

Now that you mention it,

I can't remember you ever

owning a pair of glasses.

- Ring your mum.

- Mmm.

How about this?

I buy you a new pair. My treat.

Merry Christmas. Mwah!

Excuse me, we need

help with sizing here.

Yep, I'll be with you in a sec.

Need any help?

No. I'm right, thanks.

Sure there isn't something

you're looking for?

I was looking for sunglasses and

I found them. I should work here.

(CHUCKLES) May I just check

Booked us a table at the surf

lifesaving club for tonight.

On the deck and everything.

Oh, yeah.

Found a pair you love, babe?

Phwoar-oh-oh!

Check these out.

(LAUGHS)

The sunglasses are 20% off this weekend.

Oh, nice. Thanks, cheers.

Just give me a shout

if you need any help.

- OK.

- OK.

How about these? You'd look like JLo.

- Let's go.

- What? Don't you want to try on?

I don't like any of them.

That woman was following me.

Yeah, that's her job.

She was telling us about the sale.

Sure, when you turned up.

She was just staring at

me like I was a criminal.

Oh, baby.

I'm sure she was just hustling.

You know, trying to sting

the tourists for a quick sale.

(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess.

Come on. Let's have a dip, hey?

(CHILLED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

(LAUGHS) Ha!

Uh. Yeah.

- Don't rap.

- Mm. C'mon!

Don't rap.

Mm. C'mon.

- Don't rap.

- Gonna rap!

- Don't rap!

- Real cool!

- Real white.

- Hey!

We should check out that waterfall.

It'll be less crowded than the beach.

You can meditate,

possibly even skinny dip.

You know, just get

one with naked nature.

- Yeah, OK.

- What's wrong?

- I should've bought them JLo sunnies.

- Well, we can go back and

- (THUMP!)

- (SCREAMS)

Oh

f*cking hell.

I think I hit something.

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No, no, it's a kangaroo.

Well, it WAS a kangaroo.

(GASPS)

Yeah, look, I don't reckon

'how' matters at this point.

Just tell them I k*lled it.

- I'm a m*rder*r. I'm a m*rder*r.

- OK, OK.

You could never get away

with an actual m*rder.

Yeah, yeah, look, there's

nothing she could have done.

The bloody thing jumped

right out in front of the car.

It was like kangarooicide.

It was like an insurance

scam gone bad. (LAUGHS)

No, yeah.

Yeah, so, look, I was wondering

if you could come and help with

No.

We found something in the pouch.

Yes.

So So what do we do?

Uh-huh.

Right. (CLICKS FINGERS)

Keep it warm and dry.

- Gotcha. OK. Sure.

- OK.

And of course we'll feed it.

No. Of course not. That's

what I meant. No food.

At all? OK.

What happens now?

Do you guys do like a

click and collect or?

Uh-huh. OK.

You'll be right, mate.

Bambi's mum died, and

he turned out alright.

Craig's dad shot through,

and he's pretty normal.

He's chill. Weirdly chill.

Like dead-eyed psychopath calm.

These pricks can't

pick up the joey today.

What?

Apparently it's absolute peak

season for offing animals.

(WHIMPERS)

I'm sorry, I didn't mean

There's a backlog of injured wildlife.

They're going to give us

a call some time tomorrow.

Some time tomorrow?!

What are we supposed to do

until some time tomorrow?

I don't know, look after it.

Don't be stupid. How are

we supposed to do that?

I don't know, Kelly.

I've never looked after

an injured mammal before.

- Marsupial. Did you tell them that?

- Yes.

And what did they say?

It's a real "you break

it, you bought it" policy.

(SIGHS)

- I guess we can manage for one night.

- I guess we should just let it go.

- (THUMP!)

- (c*ck SQUAWKS)

Come on, you piece of sh*t. Uh!

Are you kidding me, Craig?

What?

That's not the most important

thing right now, is it?

- This is.

- I'm sorry.

Did you want people thinking

we just Wolf Creek'd a tourist?

"I think we might have hit something."

Well, I'm not looking

after the joey by myself.

Well, you're the one

who decided to keep it.

I thought this was what you wanted.

Oh, you're right. This

is exactly what I wanted.

I spoke to the kangaroo before she died

because, you know, I can talk to them.

The kangaroo made a noble sacrifice

by jumping out in front of us

just so I could be the

one to raise its child.

(QUIETLY) Maybe you should've

just bought the sunglasses.

- What did you say?

- Hey?

Is that my jumper?

I thought the joey

needed some Christmas joy

so I wrapped him up in it.

My mother made me that Christmas joy.

You threw it on the back seat

the minute you left her place.

You said the only way

you'd let it keep you warm

is by setting it on fire.

You know what? I'm just going to

let you sulk out here like a child.

I'm going to make the joey a pouch.

- Hey.

- Hey.

The only one that's

ruining this holiday is you.

Hey, want to go to sleep

in a fancy yoga bag?

Mmm.

Looks comfy, doesn't it?

There you go.

Let's tuck you in.

- He's asleep.

- What?

- He's asleep!

- Oh. Right.

Turns out it's not that

hard to be responsible.

- You don't say.

- I do say.

Maybe if you listened and you learned,

- you'd realise it's not

- (SMASH!)

Go on.

- I'm listening. I'm ready to learn.

- (CLATTERING)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, boy.

- (SQUEALS)

- (SMASH!)

Get here, you little sh*t.

- (SIGHS)

- What happened?

Oh, baby. Hey.

It's OK. I just

I'm trying to do the right thing,

and I wrecked our car and our holiday,

and now I've wrecked my bag.

(SPLUTTERS)

OK. Um

You didn't wreck any of those things.

The kangaroo wrecked the

car, the joey wrecked the bag,

and the holiday isn't wrecked.

Yes, it is!

I was supposed to relax and unwind.

How am I supposed to do that now?

I can't even meditate because

I have to look after that.

Is there a kangaroo in the cupboard?

- (THUMP!)

- Oh! K. Right. Um

That definitely goes against

the terms of the rental.

If anyone asks, it was

there when we got here.

We thought it came with the house.

The fact of the matter is

we've got this little

sh*t for the next 24 hours.

We can't let him divide and conquer.

We need to work together.

We can do this.

He won't break us.

- (THUMP!)

- Easy, eff-ya.

Hey! Shut up already.

Uh, I think we might

be the best at this.

Right?

Like, we're amazing.

Look at him. Have you

seen a happier joey?

Literally never.

We should do this all the time.

Adopt kangaroos, take care of them,

and when they're ready,

release them into the wild.

Nope. But

..we are doing great with this one.

Hey, we need to give him a name.

We can't give him a name.

We've only got him for a day.

Someone's gotta name him.

Oh What about

..Chandler?

- Why not Joey?

- Nah, too obvious.

- Ooh! Oh, oh, oh.

- What?

Here you go, little Lionel.

- Lionel?!

- Yeah.

- Like Rose.

- Why?

Well, you know, he's a

he's a fighter. He's a boxer.

And

..he's you know.

He's not Aboriginal,

Craig. He's a kangaroo.

Well, he's native to this land.

- You're an idiot.

- I never disputed that.

- Oh, sh*t, we gotta get going.

- What?

Uh, the surf lifesaving club.

I booked us a table on

the balcony for dinner.

- Why?

- You've gotta book, Kel.

It's packed at this time of year.

Not the booking, the kangaroo.

- Lionel.

- Lionel. We can't leave Lionel.

Why not?

He's a joey. You can't abandon

him while we go down to the pub.

Why not?

He needs our care. We've got

to drip-feed him every hour.

Alright, then.

Excuse me, Lionel. Here you go.

Job done. Let's go.

(SIGHS)

(GENERAL HUBBUB)

- Ooh, mate.

- Hey.

You can't bring your own

beer. Oh, it's not beer.

- It's Lionel.

- Yeah, it's Lionel.

Who's Lionel?

Lionel.

Alright, well make

sure he stays in there.

Yeah, of course he will. He's underage.

(CHUCKLES)

- Look at this, hey?

- It's beautiful.

You're welcome.

(CHUCKLES) Taking credit

for the sunset now?

Yeah, it was my idea.

I was like, the sun

should set every day.

Everyone doubted me but I

reckon I was onto something.

Is it too cold?

Maybe Lionel's freezing.

Maybe we should go inside.

No way. It's fine. He's

got his Christmas jumper.

Let's at least get him out of the wind.

It's fine, Kel.

- What are you doing?

- Just move your feet.

- Why do you have to

- There you go.

Well, I can't move,

but at least he's comfy.

- When did we feed him last?

- Kelly, it's fine.

He's happy. Just let him sleep. Jeez.

What do you want to drink?

I dunno. I'll pick

something when I'm up there.

- I'll go up.

- Nah, it's alright. I'll go up.

- No, no, you sit. I don't mind.

- Nah, nah, it's fine.

You stay and look after Lionel.

Yeah, quick one. Go on.

What the f*ck?

Hey!

Hey, little fella.

Where's Craig?

I'm gonna choke him. Yes, I am.

Oh! Goodness.

Is that a kangaroo?

Oh, yeah, long story.

Do you have a permit?

- What?

- A permit.

A permit?

You know you can't just take

these animals from the wild.

It's not a pet.

You can't keep it in an esky.

You can't just take a

baby from its mother.

Is that so?

We're fine. Thanks.

Oh.

You gotta love a restaurant that

lets you order by the weight.

"What do you feel like tonight, sir?"

"Oh, I'll have half a

kilogram of cow, please."

You should be able to order by the

heart surgery you'll need after.

"Oh, yeah, give me a triple

bypass. I skipped lunch."

(CHUCKLES)

No? Alright.

I hope you're enjoying this.

I'm getting nothing out here.

- I can't believe you were smoking.

- What?

You want to act like

everything is normal

but it's not normal, Craig.

You just can't shove him in

an esky while we go drink.

And you definitely can't piss off

to have a smoke and abandon him.

Whoa! Easy. I thought

we had a nice night.

No, YOU had a nice night.

You always do because you put

yourself first in every situation.

You always do because you put

Jeez. What has gotten up your butt?

Jeez. What has gotten up your butt?

We're supposed to be a team, Craig.

You said you'd help

me out and you bailed.

You were two steps away. Two.

What was gonna happen?

Someone would kidnap the joey?

Good!

Then it's their problem, and

we can actually have a holiday!

God! You're not ready

for any of this, are you?

- Ready for what?

- You're not responsible.

You don't know how to

make any sacrifices.

We're still talking

about a kangaroo, right?

Yes.

No.

Bloody hell, I don't know.

Why do you always pester

me to take the pill?

I what?

I wasn't I wasn't

trying to. I thought

I thought that was what we both wanted.

We're playing it safe.

You don't want to wind

up knocked up, do you?

But

I-I-I-I

I mean if if you did then,

then then that's that's

Look, either way there's still

plenty of time to work it out.

I don't have time, Craig.

You might be able to be Mick Jagger

and walk around with a kid young enough

to be your great

grandson's great grandson,

but I don't have time.

The clock is ticking.

My eggs are dying.

I have geriatric ovaries, Craig.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

I got Lionel settled.

Nah, they're both mine.

What does "geriatric ovaries" mean?

Something my gynie said.

I don't have as many eggs

as other women my age.

Right.

But you've still got some?

Yeah, I guess.

Like, how many cartons?

I don't know, Craig. Not many.

It's not that I don't want kids.

I just couldn't

I never even considered having them.

It scares the hell out of me.

I don't want to end up like Dad.

Going in before you're

ready, and then

..pissing off whenever

it got too much

..missing everything that mattered

..leaving Mum crying and blasting

If You See Her Say Hello on repeat.

I f*cking hate Bob Dylan.

f*ck, I don't want to eat this anymore.

I'll have it, then.

No, piss off. I'll save it for later.

You aren't your dad.

You would never do that to your kids.

I don't know if I'm ready, or

if I'd be any good at it, but

..I do know that I love you.

And if this is what you

want, then I want it too.

- Hey.

- Hey.

When's the next drip feed?

35 minutes.

Oh.

- Yeah.

- (LAUGHS)

Yeah. Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

What the

Craig, where's Lionel?

- Lionel?

- Oh. He must have gotten out.

You said you took care of him.

- You told me he was secure.

- Yeah, he'll turn up.

- He'll turn up?

- Well, he can't have gone far.

I shut all the windows and doors.

But you couldn't shut a

f*cking esky, could you?

(CRIES)

Kel!

Come down here.

(PANTS)

Shh-shh-shh.

See? I told you it was fine.

I had it all under control.

Bullshit. That was dumb luck.

Incredibly dumb luck.

You had nothing under control.

You didn't do anything.

That That's not true.

I didn't put the machine

on when you told me to,

and if it wasn't for my laziness,

Lionel wouldn't have

had a place to sleep.

This isn't funny, Craig.

We can't do this anymore.

(LAUGHS)

Do what?

You aren't ready.

You said you weren't and you were right.

You aren't.

What was I thinking? I

can't have a family with you.

What, because I forgot to put

the lid on an esky one time?

Jesus, Kel, it was a mistake.

I need to be able to trust you.

I need to know you can be responsible.

I'm sorry, OK?

I promise that if we lock

our future kids in an esky,

I'll remember to keep the lid on.

It's not just what you don't do, Craig.

- It's what you don't see.

- What does that even mean?

It means, Craig, that if we have a baby,

we're going to have an Aboriginal baby.

Yeah, I kinda figured.

But you don't know

what that means, Craig.

They're going to experience

things that you never did.

How can you protect them from

something that you don't even notice?

You don't see the woman

follow me around in the shop.

You don't see the judgement

I get from the b*tch at dinner

You don't see the judgement I

get when I'm carrying two drinks.

When I'm carrying two drinks.

Even when it's right

in front of your face,

you don't want to

acknowledge it's there.

You want everything to be cool

and calm and easy, and it's not.

These things are not easy,

and you can't hide from them.

They may not affect you but

they're going to affect your kid.

Are you going to be there

when they're not served

..spoken over, singled out?

(PANTS, CRIES)

Kel.

Do you know why my mum gets angry at me

when I have a whole bag full of crap?

Because she was there when I was 11

and the shopping centre security

guard made me pour it all out

in front of everyone.

My white friends didn't

have to, but I did,

because they thought I was stealing.

11 years old.

And in this country

..that's old enough

to send me to prison.

That still happens to black kids now.

Are you going to be

there to protect our kid?

That's why I can't have kids with you.

You can't protect them from

something that you refuse to see.

I can't trust you.

- Kel

- (CRIES) I have to go.

Kel

sh*t.

- Hey.

- Hi.

I think he likes it in there.

I should have thought of it

sooner. Build our own pouch.

- I shouldn't have walked out.

- No.

I'm glad you did.

It gave me time to think.

You were right.

- Should have recorded that.

- Too bad I'm never saying it again.

I don't know, Kel.

I don't know what it's

like or what you go through.

I just don't see it.

Even when it's right there in

front of my own stupid face.

But that's going to have to change,

because one day we're

going to have a teenager,

and that teenager's going to

scream, "Dad, you just don't get it,"

and they'll slam a door in my

face and they're gonna be right -

I won't get it.

But I can listen, and I can learn.

I'm going to get it wrong 4,000

times but I'll keep trying.

That part I CAN do.

And not just for them.

For you too.

I want to understand who you

are and what you go through.

You mean that?

For keeps?

For keeps.

- I really thought this was over.

- Same.

I wanted to come after

you last night but

..well, I couldn't leave Lionel.

No, you did the right thing.

Oh, sh*t.

- What? What is it?

- It's her.

Who?

From last night.

- That's her?

- Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Yes?

f*ck you. f*ck you.

OK, love the passion.

We've got to work on your technique

a little bit, but it's a start.

Lionel likes the water

lukewarm, not hot.

He hates aeroplane noises

when you're feeding him

but he likes it when you do this.

Tss-tss-tss-tss-tss!

Two tea bags, please.

He'll want a nap right after as well.

But you can't be too far away,

otherwise he'll start to get fussy.

He's a joey.

- For me.

- Ah, yes, good, good.

I gotta say, you two

haven't done a bad job.

He seems happy enough.

Healthy. He'll be alright.

Oh! One more thing.

When you are feeding him,

he likes it when you do this.

Treaties, yeah

Treaties now

Treaties, yeah

Treaties now ♪

You aren't planning on having

kids with this bloke, are ya?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, when that sun shines ♪

Imran! (LAUGHS)

WOMAN: So why don't you

want to meet her parents?

I don't expect you to understand

- 'cause it's a cultural thing.

- Oh.

My dad's here.

Oh, Mum's doing great, by the way.

That's good to hear.

Give her my regards.

It is not cowardly to run, my son.

- It takes guts.

- Why didn't I listen?

I'm an idiot.

I'm definitely your son.