02x03 - The Boys

[bunniefuu]

[Dulcie] So, the last time you saw Don
was Sunday night.

What time did you all leave the pub?

I know you know what f*cking went on
on Sunday night.

I didn't see anything
pertaining to Don Darrell, Edwina.

If you don't tell us
why you were out at the donga,

then we're just going to have to guess.

I was out there
'cause I was looking for the money.

Why did you give Don Darrell $300,000?

It's to buy King, the biggest croc
in the Territory.

It's that hovercunt drone!

-Eddie! Eddie, leave it!
-Hey! Wait up!

No, it knows stuff.

[Miki] Hey--

Oi!

I shot down the hovercunt!

I know where that is.

That's near Don's donga.

That's his bloody jetty.

G'day, g'day.

Jason, I also will need your whereabouts
for last Sunday night.

Really great to meet you, Dulcie.

Hey, really special. OK. Take care.

[phone rings]

There was someone else
out at Don's donga,

dragging Don's body up the jetty.

[Dulcie]
Can you tell who it is?

[Eddie]
Chomp, from Land of Crocs.

He's our k*ller.

Collins? Collins, you still there?

What the f*ck?

Whoa!

[breathes heavily]

Back! Back!
Get up out of there, you big scrote!

I wandered in here by accident once too.

Big Fella nearly took me arm.

The employee exit's on the right.

Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

I'm Roisin.

Is this your first shift?

Come on, the exit's this way.

Just watch that meat bucket.

[clanging]

[Dulcie mutters] 38 degrees at 1am.



There is just no need.

-[chimes tinkle]
-Oh! Agh!

[exhales, sighs]

[grunts softly]

[whispers] Bumming door.

[sighs] Bum. Bum!

[Cath] Sorry, sexy.

I forgot to tell you I busted the door.

A cute kid called Mav's gonna fix it.

How was your day, love?

Good.

[theme song plays]

[Beef on radio]
Well, Skid,
it's a steamy one

up here in the Top End today.

And in backpacker news,
Task Force Hammare--

-[Skid]
Hammare?
-[Beef]
It's Swedish for "hammer".

They have ping-ponged from Bing Bong,

still on the search
for the Swedish backpackers

who were last sighted in a white
four-wheel drive at Crossley's Crossing.

[Skid]
And you'll be cross, folks,
if you miss out on catching a big one

at Jason Wade's Big Barra Bashnanza

that kicks off in Dirks River today.

-[Mary] Are you sure
we should do it here, Lynn?
-[banging]

[Lynn] Yeah, this is
the bush turkey's turf.

Everyone steers clear.

We'll set up inside. [grunts]

[banging continues]

What is that bloody banging?

[banging continues]

Eddie, let's get a hop along.

Come on. Uh--

Eddie!

-[banging]
-[Mary] I reckon
it's coming from over here.

[banging continues]

It
is
coming from the cool room.

What is it? Is it a brushie stuck in--

-[both shout]
-[Mary] Bloody hell!

-Open up! Come on!
-[Lynn] What are you doing in there?

[Eddie] I'm freezing my flaps off in here.

[Mary] Oh, my God, were you
in the cool room all night?

-[Lynn] It's three degrees in there.
-What you two are doing is sick.

Crocodiles are a protected species.

They've been around
since the dinosaurs, OK?

They hung out with Triceratops, and
you f*ck are selling them as bar snacks.

-I'm very disappointed.
-Oh!
Dungalaba's
my ancestors.

I'd sooner cook Roger,
and he knows that, eh?

Yeah! Someone must have
snuck 'em in there when bingo was on.

Oh, yeah, "someone"?
Was it someone you?

-Or you? Was it you?
-Oh, you proper mad!

We don't know who put them in there.
The security cameras are shot out.

That little piss f*ck.

Right, you two, leave those crocs where
they are, on top of the alcopops, OK?

There's dodgy sh*t going on in there.

Oh, this tummy's rock hard.
He's all blocked up, Abs.

His poos are lined up like Matchbox cars.

-[Dulcie] Hi, love.
-Hi, sexy.

-You seen Eddie?
-No.

-Abby, how'd you go with the toe?
-Not good, ma'am.

His an*s is clamped shut, Abs.

It's weird, it's like
he's holding it in on purpose.

Come with me,
I've got some apple cider vinegar.

-It'll make that dead toe
rocket right out of him.
-OK.

-Now, how's your sex life?
-Um...

-Collins!
-Hey, where have you been?

I got locked in the cool room all night.

-What?
-My pubes have got hypothermia.

They fused together like instant noodles.
Hear that?

-No, don't make the sound.
-Can crack that.

Didn't you notice I was gone?

-I saw you sleeping in your nook, Eddie.
-That was a pile of shorts!

Right, well the smell
was exactly the same.

-What's that? Is that the body part?
-Yep. Don's foot.

Not much good to us.

Me and that ranger
with the Rainbow Paddle Pop eyes, Miki,

found it near Dickie's Knob.

-It's got no toe. Anyway, come on.
-Right. Great.

Let's rattle our dicks.

-We've got a Chomp to catch.
-[sighs]

How'd you get the drone footage?

-I shot it out of the sky.
-What?

Um, so ma'am, that Don Darrell drawing

shows all of his body parts
that have been found, right?

Right.

Eddie thinks the rest
has been eaten by crocodiles,

but maybe you can use these parts
to reinvestigate Don's cause of death?

Yes. If all you want to know
is that he died from dying.

-I really need Don's torso.
-I know.

I was just deluding myself for fun.

-Oh!
-Oh, sorry.

-[quiet whirring]
-That's a vibrator.

Cath gave it to me.

She said it's time I stopped being afraid
of my own vag*na.

OK, so between the remains that Toby ate

and the drone footage that I haven't seen
but I hear is wonderful,

we can establish Don's donga
as our primary crime scene.

Yes, it looks like this scene's
been cleaned.

And, judging by the water runoff,
I think it was pressure hosed.

But my team and I are heading
back down there to see what we can find.

Lauren and Oliver, and Toby,
are just having a quick coffee first.

Together.

This m*rder wall's a real triumph, ma'am.

I know! I know. Leo did it.

-Leo?
-Yeah.

They're our new you.

I'm their mentor, they're my mentos.

They'd be lost without me.

They're the wings beneath my wind.

-Hi.
-[Dulcie and Eddie exclaim]

-Oh, my God! Leo!
-Sorry, sorry.

I've been wearing bright colours to
make my lurking less paranormal,

-but it's not working.
-Yeah, no sh*t, mate.

Invest in a bell.

Leo, hi. I'm Abby.

I worked with the ma'ams back in Deadloch

where we started out as colleagues
but then became best friends for life.

Nice to meet you.

OK, Big Eyes, come on,
let's clear a spot for my mentos.

OK, new team is assembled.

Nobody f*ck up.

Right, Backpack, how are you going
with that drone footage of Chomp?

Collins is absolutely creaming
to see that.

-I sent it to your email.
-Email?

What?! She's never had an email!

I will get it up on mine.

OK, so our prime suspect is Chomp.
What do we know about Chomp?

Age, priors, residential address,
relationship to the victim.

What are you going on about, mate?

What do you mean? What are you--

I mean Chomp is not a person.

Chomp is the Land of Crocs mascot.

-Oh, you never said that.
-Yes, I did.

-I said the k*ller is inside of Chomp.
-No, you didn't say that!

Ma'ams, please stop fighting.

Yeah, I do get it.
I am across the concept of a costume.

OK! What the sh*t's
got up you this morning?

-Nothing.
-Not get enough sleep?

-Yes, I did. I slept very well.
-Not enough sex? Too much sex?

Had a fight with Cath?
f*cking grumpy-bum.

Right, so whoever is in Chomp's costume
must be on Jason Wade's payroll.

Collins, how did you go
out at the Land of Crocs yesterday?

Ah, yes. So Wade said that
the 300k payment was to buy King.

Three of his four P.A.s

confirmed that Jason was out of town
filming his TV show

the night that Don was m*rder*d.

Is that a snakeskin?
Is that the-- That's the skin of a snake?

Just because Jason's alibi is sewn up
like a Christmas turkey's arsehole

doesn't mean that he's not behind it all.

But what would Jason gain by k*lling Don?

He has everything, bar the ability

to make eye contact with
a woman he doesn't want to sleep with.

It's a classic territorial dispute,
you know?

Old bull croc versus new bull croc.

Their businesses are side-by-side.

Jason probably wants to take over
Don's part of the river.

Colonising is a very hard habit to break.

OK, so you think Jason k*lled Don
to get his land

and he's delegated this task
to high-density craft foam.

Yeah. There's no way puffy-pecs Jason
is going to do the dirty work himself.

That's why we've got to find out
who he had in that Chomp costume

on Sunday night.

-[clears throat]
-Oh! Yes. My mentos.

What are the rules around me talking
in this environment?

-You're not allowed.
-The floor is yours. Go for it.

Flora, the singer from the pub,
also works at Land of Crocs.

She says that staff rotate being Chomp
due to OH&S.

Oh, yeah, that'll be because of
that Mickey Mouse.

You know that story? So sad.

Just sitting there, people coming up,
taking their photos with him,

turns out he was dead.

Stiffy Mouse.

Flora also says that staff who wear Chomp
can't be claustrophobic,

they have to be free of pubic lice,
and at least 5'9".

[Eddie] Why's that? Stage presence?

No, it's in order to
see out of the mouth hole.

[Dulcie] OK, let's get
a suspect list together, then.

So how many staff does Jason have?

Ooh, I can find that out, ma'am.

Nah, it's too boring, Big Eyes.
Backpack can do that.

I need you to test this.

Spoiler alert, it's a foot.

Kept it cold for you.

I will put that up on the board.

OK, so, Leo, Land of Crocs staff.

Yep, so, all up,
including the CEO that's Jason,

and the celebrant that is also Jason,

Land of Crocs has just over 60 employees.

[Dulcie] 60? That's super.

Investigating all 60 should be a breeze,

seeing we're four people
working out of a storeroom

with a possible snake infestation.

Alright, well, let's just go round to
the Land of Dicks and give them a razz.

-No razz.
-[Leo] His main staff won't be there.
They'll be at the Bashnanza.

It starts today, and Jason's
doing a meet-and-greet with his Boys.

Who's his Boys?

They work with Jason
and appear on his TV shows.

OK, we'll head to the Bashnanza, then.

Leo, find out what time they're on,
and we'll question them about Sunday.

-Yeah, f*ck, yeah, drop a quick line in.
-No, no "yeah".

-Something's weird with this foot.
-[Eddie] What is it? Soft nail issue?

The autopsy said that a knife was used
to cut up the body post-mortem,

but I think that's wrong.

The severance line on the tibia
is too clean to be a knife.

-Look.
-No, thank you.

It's a precision cut.

I think the foot was removed by
a motorised blade.

[knock at door]

A forensics van pulled up
and parked in my spot

before I could park in my spot,

and I'd like my spot back
because it's my spot,

not their spot. OK?

[Dulcie] OK, so we need to
interview Jason's Boys

and locate this motor-blade weapon.

[Abby] Yeah, but, ma'am, I really
need to get something off my chest.

-[Dulcie] OK, right now?
-[Abby] Yes.

I'm so sorry I quit the police force
to pursue my dreams.

-It's fine.
-I mean, now you're stuck with...
[mouths]

-It's really fine.
-And I'm in a hell of my own creation.

It's really fine, Abby.

Please don't forget me, ma'am.

OK, but they are driving off without you.

Oh! Wait!

-Moonboot.
-[Abby] Guys!

-[Dulcie] Eddie, we've got to go.
-Yep.

-I need you to do a job for me.
-Oh, no, I can't.

Senior Sergeant Heffernan has asked me to
supervise in the removal and return

of a Barra Creek local
by the name of, um...

...uh, Triple Pet, and Mr Pet needs me.

OK. Look, I need you to search
this address

from mouth hole to crack hole, OK?

Is this for the Don Darrell case?

Yeah, 100%.

-Do you have a warrant?
-Yeah, yeah.

I'm emailing it from my email right now.
Ping! There you go.

-[Dulcie] Eddie, come on.
-I'm coming.

-[Leo] Yep. So Jason's Boys
aren't appearing until 2pm.
-[Dulcie] Right.

Flora's going to help me
cut the list down.

She's been at Land of Crocs
for three months,

and her loyalty's really waning.
She's offered to cut me a key.

-Oh, that won't be necessary.
-Oh, yeah! You should
take her up on that.

OK, so while we wait for the Boys
to appear at the Bashnanza,

let's search for our weapon.

Mate, the k*ller would have just
piffed it in the river.

-OK, so we get some divers out there.
-[both] No.

-You can't get divers.
-Why not? Are they at a conference?

-Uh, no, because it's a river, Collins.
-Huh?

-It's teeming with crocodiles.
-Oh, right. Yes.

-Yeah, you can't swim in there.
-So what do you do?

Well, we used to
have a community swimming pool.

That's what the diving board is there.

-You should have seen me jump off that.
-No! How do you search the river, Eddie?

-You don't.
-You use a big magnet.

A big magnet.

What is this, "Looney Tunes"?

OK, great! Great.

Where do we find ourselves a big magnet?

-No, you don't.
-Um, right here in Barra Creek.

I know a local with one.

Go on, gaffer him up good there, Rabbit.

-It's alright, Triple Pet.
-That sedative will do f*ck all.

[indistinct chatter]

OK. We've got to get him home first.

But then it'll be 50% to me,
cash, right?



But it's my big magnet.

Right, and your big magnet,
that works, yes?

Oh, yeah, it's how we found
all my Christmas presents growing up.

-f*ck up, Edwina.
-You f*ck up.

What eight-year-old wants
a f*cking car part covered in fish sh*t?

It was a catalytic converter.
They're worth coin.

Can you not antagonise your dad?
We need him today.

OK, we've altered our offer.
It's now $300 an hour.

f*ck, no! Look, he's taking the piss.

-OK, we won't do it, then. No worries.
-Yeah! No worries!

-I'll get my own f*cking big magnet.
-Shush, thank you. Shush. Shush it!

-We can all get a big magnet.
-Thank you. Yes. Yes.

$300 every single hour is a great deal.

Thank you. We appreciate your help, Frank,
don't we, Edwina?

I've got my f*cking eye on you too,
you rat-dog croc thieves!

Alright. No-one gets paid
till d*ck hat delivers.

Hey, Rog, listen to this one.

No trust, right? Even in her old man.

Because
you are my old man.

I've had front-row seats to your bullshit
for four decades.

I know what you're capable of.

Going to the car.

See you, Triple Pet.

[man grunting] Come on, push him down.

-OK, well, we will need to start
out at Don's Donga.
-[growling]

Oh, f*ck my big, long d*ck!

Who took the sack off his head?

That keeps him calm, for f*ck's sake!

Ah... Oh, Eddie, we've got to
get to the Bashnanza.

[Cath] The butterfly farm
was actually great.

I had no idea how many butterfly
eat corpses.

Yeah, it's definitely worth it.

Anyway, that's it. That's it
for my plans for the day

and for the rest of the trip, actually.

I mean, I'm going to get into
my book from the pub book swap,

"Breathless Falls". Have you read it?

I think my mums have it
on their bookshelf.

I grew up with two mums, in Sydney.
They were '78ers.

My first car was a pride flag that was
decorated like the island of Lesbos.

So, yeah, you know,
fair to say Barra Creek's

the straightest context
I've been in for a while.

Aside from that one Ed Sheeran concert
that I went to, which was awful.

It was so sad.

I love that there's another
q*eer person in town, Leo!

We just get each other, don't we?

Sorry, Leo, sorry.

Was I gone for long?
Because I went to get a water

and then totally forgot about you
and had a nap.

Wait, what are we doing again?
Oh, Land of Crocs employees.

-OK.
-That's right.

I'm going to leave you guys to it.

Let me know if you need anything,
like head massages or legal advice.

I'm a vet too.

If you've got a Brahmin cow
that needs antibiotics, I'll be over here.

I'm going to be relaxing.
I'm on holiday after all.

[Flora] OK, so those two flew home
last month.

I don't know
where
that guy went.

-[Cath] Hm. Ebba borrowed this too.
-[phone ringing]

[Flora] That chick's 100%
capable of m*rder, but she's only 4'11".

-[Cath] Lynn, I'm going to get the phone!
-[Flora] He's still here, unfortunately.

And Roisin f*cked that guy.

Now he lives in a Reiki tent
on an avocado farm or something.

Barra Creek Pub, this is Cath.

[rock music plays]

[Beef, over P.A.]
Well, it's a mammoth
opening to the Big Barra Bashnanza,

where one lucky fish-o could
catch the Golden Barra, worth $200,000.

[Skid]
That's a lucrative bloody fish, Beefy!

But remember, fellas,

with over 4,000 barramundi released
into the river for the Bashnanza,

every one of you has a shot
at winning a daily prize

if you catch a big one.

[Beef]
And now on the Guts Hub stage,

he's hot off the chopper,

it's the star of "Jason Wade's Adventures
Down Under, Adventures From Down Under"

it's Jason Wade!

[cheering]

Welcome to the Big Barra Bashnanza!

[cheering]

This is gammin.

How would he like it if we told him
he couldn't go fishing?

-Boss!
-[barking]

Come on, we're going!

Oh, OK, good. Leo's eliminated a
bunch of the Land of Croc staff

who could have been inside
the Chomp suit on Sunday night.

Sanitation's out, so is the aquarist.

A lot of the Crockettes
have been deported to the UK,

so that mostly just leaves the Boys
and a few others.

Uh, Leo has sent the Boys'
photos and bio.

Oh. Uh, no.

No, I think they've accidentally
just sent the same man 15 times.

[Jason]
Let's give it up for the Boys!

[Eddie] Uh, no, Collins. They haven't.

We got Ben! We got Sam!

We got Ned!

Micko and my boy Ben!

[cheering]

Come on!

Jesus Christ.

[man, over P.A.]
And, fellas,
don't forget to head over

to the Shimano Fishing Reel Marquee

for the meet-and-greet with the Boys.

-[Eddie] This line can suck my t*tties.
-[Dulcie] Agreed.

[man] Join the reserves?

No. No, thank you. No.

-[sighs]
-So...

How do you flirt with girls?

Do you all just weather-chat or are
there other topics that work as well?

What?

Well, you know,
like at the camp, you and Cath,

you froth on about the weather

and then, immediately,
you're fiddling each other's bits.

-Oh, God.
-So I was just wondering,

do all lezzies get juiced up
about weather?

-No, not-- Stop.
-And what in particular--

-Rain. 'Cause it's wet.
-We're not talking about this.

-Mist? Soft, wet.
-We're not talking about this, Eddie.

Oh, hey! A croc Boy's on the move.

-You stay here. We'll conquer and divide.
-No, Eddie.

Please don't leave me here
with all of the, uh...

Ed--

[woman] Next, please! Next, please!
Keep it--

-No, I just... [sighs]
-G'day, g'day.

-Name?
-Detective Dulcie Collins.

-We met yesterday.
-Yeah, good stuff.

You gripping a rod today?

Uh, no. I am here in regards to...

-Sensational. There's your photo.
-...the ongoing investigation--

Very special to meet you. Who's next?

Yeah!

[Abby] Thanks for dropping me off, guys.
Really appreciate it.

Just leave me alone at a crime scene

where a man's been chopped up
and a violent m*rder*r is on the loose.

Cool! Yeah, I'll just sit here
on a platter for them

till you're ready to pick me up.

What is that?

[Frank] Oi! Be careful!

You're in the lunch position there.

Oh! Oh!

[clanging]

Detective Dulcie Collins.
I want to ask you a few questions

in relation to an ongoing investigation.

Absolutely. 100%, Ducky.

Uh, Dulcie. Where were you six nights ago,
on Sunday the 9th of October?

I was out in Goomadeer River
in West Arnhem Land, Ducky,

filming "Adventures Down Under,
Adventures From Down Under".

-And can anyone verify that?
-Yeah, absolutely. 100%.

-All the Boys were there.
-Right. Who?

Hunter was there. Darcy was there.
Josh was there.

-Tom, Ned, Mick was there.
-[man] Yo!

Hey, Mick, I'm just answering questions
for Dicky here. You're all good.

-Dulcie. Dulcie's questions.
-Uh, who else was there...

Ben, Rory, Seb, Jed.

And you're... you're Jed?

Nah, mate. I'm Ned.

Right. Sorry. Yes. Sorry.

So did Jason take all of you Boys,

you know, Mick, Sam, Ned, the Bens, etc,
filming on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, d*ck. Yeah, all the Boys
were out there Sunday night.

There he is! Ah!
I'll stick my finger up your arse!

Detective, um I need you
at the river real quick.

[man] It's going up there!

[Eddie] So you and all your croc blocks

were all sh**ting Jason's TV show
on Sunday night,

-hooked together, c*ck-to-bum like
a barrel full of f*cking f*ck monkeys?
-[phone ringing]

Yeah, that's right. 100%. Hey, good
to talk to you, legend. Keep it real.

W--

f*ck. f*ck me.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Allira, got any Cokes?

We haven't restocked them yet.
They're out the back.

[phone continues ringing]

[groans] I'll get you one.

Thank you.

[ding]

f*ck off, Moonboot!

Ah. Collins. What's happening?

What did you want? A Fanta?

I wasn't listening.

[kid] Who wants to feed batfish
as a competition prize?

-We want money.
-Yeah! We've got stuff to pay for.

A pool, the broken boat.

And also, batfish again?

Hey, you better stop that
before Aunty hears.

You know she loves her batfish.

-Hey, you lot.
-[kids] Hello, Pat.

What are you doing here? I thought you'd
be out there, reeling in a big one.

They wouldn't let us
enter the Golden Barra,

even though Mav said he was 18
and I said I was 25.

Well, that's because you know
all the good fishing spots,

and they're afraid
you're going to win all the money.

-That's right.
-[Pat laughs]

Hey, mate, I don't think we've met.

This is our cousin Mav.
He's living with us now.

He's fructose intolerant,
so we can't get mangoes anymore.

Ah, Mav.

You're Miki's uncle's boy, right?

You've stayed with her before. I knew it!

I never forget a pair of cheeks
I want to squeeze.

[laughs]

Come on. Boss is sick. Let's go.

[Cherry] What's wrong with him?
He looks OK.

Nup. He's got dog pox.

Alright, well, you guys
want to lift back to Barra?

-[Cherry] Can we, Mav?
-No.

See you, Pat.

I don't want to walk. It's too hot!

Stop blowing up my phone, Collins.
I'm on my way now.

Oi! Allira!

What the f*ck are you doing?
Where's my f*cking coke?

I'm on a break.

[Miki] Just stand back!

[man] Oi! Someone caught a big one!

No, no, no-one caught a big one, OK?

OK, please, get back.

You're getting dangerously close
to marbled frog hibernation burrows.

[Eddie] Oi! Hey!

You heard the lady.

Move the f*ck away
from her special f*cking frogs. Jeez!

But come back tomorrow, thank you.

And there's lots of info here
about caring for Country

and other stuff
that you don't give a sh*t about.

Why are you always yelling? Huh?

That's the most foot traffic we've had.

-Oh, you-- You shout too.
-No, that's you doing that.

I'm soft as f*ck, normally. Foghorn.

[Eddie] Righto, Collins, I'm back.
I'm Cokeless. What have you got for me?

Oh!

Oh, holy sh*t.

-Oh, f*ck me.
-Yes.

Yes, welcome to this.

Miki's colleague Isaac
was out on his big dinghy boat

and found it wedged in some mangroves.

Yeah, did he say where?

Nah, he dumped it here,
said he was too traumatised to work,

browsed for sunglasses
on his phone for ten minutes,

then he went to his other job
at Knob Nightclub,

so he's clearly torn up.

OK.

So, what have we got here, Collins?

It's an anterior and posterior
lower torso pelvic region

encompassing the genitalia and an*s there.

-So it's a d*ck-bum?
-So it's... a d*ck and a bum.

Yeah, it's a d*ck-bum.
Yeah, that's what it is. It's a d*ck-bum.

-[Miki laughing] Yes. It's a d*ck-bum.
-It's--

[both giggling]

I'm going to go get a Coke.

-Yeah.
-Bit thirsty.

What? Nothing. f*ck off.

Yep. Alright, I'm going to call forensics,

but it does fit Don's profile.

The right testicle's missing.

OK, well, I'll just confirm
with my d*ck stick.

No, don't confirm with a--
Don't confirm with a stick!

-Don't use a stick, Eddie.
-As I suspected,

-no right tentacle. Testicle, testicle.
-Yes.

Yes, I just told you that, so that's--

-[line ringing]
-Don't! Don't! Yucky! Don't!

Yuck, Eddie!

-[Abby]
Hi, ma'am.
-Abby.

I'm glad you called, so I can officially
log with someone that I'm alive, for now.

We need you out here at the Bashnanza.

Don's pelvis has turned up.
I know it's not the full torso,

but it would still be good
for you to have a look.

OK, but I'm going to be a while.
I'm getting a lift with some fishermen

who won't tell me their names.

One's giving me nothing,

and the other says
he's Mr Surname Redacted.

Oh, also, I found oil residue
in the water near Don's jetty.

It's where Chomp's boat was moored.

According to the fishermen,
if there's oil in the water,

it means the boat's leaking fuel,

and if the boat's leaking fuel,
that means...

-[both] The engine's f*cked.
-Yeah, it's f*cked.

Right, OK.

So we're looking for
a Land of Crocs employee

-who owns a boat with a faulty engine.
-Yes, ma'am.
-[phone ringing]

Maybe I can trace the journey of the tinny

via the fuel trail?

Oh, the fishermen are nodding, ma'am.

-[Abby] It's Leo, my mentos.
-Bye, ma'am.

-Backpack, what you got for me?
-[Leo]
Yes, hello to you.

There's three Land of Crocs staff

who Flora and I can't account for
on Sunday night.

One of them used to work for Don Darrell.

-Who?
-His name is Steven Houlihan.

Goes by the name of Spud.

He's a local. Do you know him?

Hello?

Oi, what do youse want to do
this afternoon?

[Cherry] I want to go for a swim. I'm hot!

Where? They put road over the pool
to make it a road.

[Cherry] We can play Waffle House Meow.
Mum downloaded it for me.

It's an iPad game where
you own a waffle shop run by cats.

And there's a secret shopper
who's a bunny rabbit. And--

-Oi, let's cut through here.
-Wait! It's ill*gal to go in the DRR!

There's aliens in there.
They suck your brains out your nose.

Come on! It'll be way faster.

What if there's Min-Min?

-Come on, Cherry!
-Hurry up, Cherry!

[barking]

Mav, we're going to cop an earful
if Mum knows we've come here.

[barking]

-Oh, deadly.
-What? What?

Cool!

-[Dulcie] So, Mr Houlihan,
we are trying to ascert--
-[Eddie] Oi, chicken-dicken,

where were you on Sunday night?

Don't say you were filming Jason's TV show
'cause we know you weren't.

How do you know?
You been spying on me again.

You're obsessed. Stalker.

Coming back for more.

-Oh, Mr Houlihan!
-[Eddie] Cut it out!

I gave you one gob job in 1995, OK?
Get over it.

It wasn't even good.
I spewed on your d*ck afterwards.

OK, we know that you weren't
filming on Sunday night

because there is a list of people
who were filming on Sunday

and that list does not include your name.

Your real name.
Or your potato nickname.

What do you do for Jason Wade?

-Mr Houlihan!
-[Eddie] I know what he does.

He bumps off Don Darrells,

chops them up into little pieces
like an octopus on a teppanyaki grill

so Jason Wade can take over
Best Best's stretch of river

and expand their universe of c*ck.

Nah, you're talking out your ring!

Come on, it's the only job he can get.

Look at that face. No-one's going to
put it on a telly, are they?

-Looks like dropped carbonara.
-Oh, f*ck you!

-f*ck you.
-Alright. OK.

-Suck my d*ck!
-No, you suck my d*ck.

Enough!

Thank you for your precious time,
Mr Houlihan.

-Eddie, we're done here.
-What? No, we're not done.

-Bum.
-Collins, we're not--

Bum. Bum, bum!

Oi!

Collins, why are we done?

It's not Spud.

Like Leo said, our suspect
in the Chomp costume

would have to be at least 5'9"
to see out the mouth bit.

-How tall are you?
-Six foot.

Our suspect would have to
come up to at least here

and you and Spud were eye-to-eye

and only came up to here.

Tit height.

Spud's not our Chomp.

f*ck!

[loud clanging]

[Frank] Big magnet delivery!

You f*cking beauty!

Oi! You could've put it
out the f*cking back!

I was told to drop it
at the police station.

What's that say?
f*cking police station.

Yeah, but look, it looks like sh*t.

Have a look through it,
might get a Christmas present.

You better not have
taken anything out of there.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what I mean.

-Hi, ma'ams!
-[Dulcie] Abby!

-I'm still alive.
-[Eddie] Scaddle off, rat.

-[Frank] Righto.
-We paid you for that sh*t.

See you met Eddie's dad.

-What?
-Yeah.

So, that's a pair.

-Oh, that makes so much sense, ma'am.
-Yeah.

Uh, Pat, can you get Luke
to go through this?

Look, I'm not exactly sure where Luke is,

but to be honest, I'm not upset about it.

Don't stress! No, I can help.

What am I looking for in here?

-A weapon.
-Motor-blade type weapon.

No probs.

Ow! Oh it's-- I've got a slipped disc.

-I can help you, ma'am. I can--
-[horn beeping]

-Oh.
-Hey, Ally!

Are you done at the donga?

Yes, Lauren. I was done at the donga
hours ago.

OK, well we've got the pelvis
and we're going back to the city.

-Do you need a lift?
-Of course I need a lift, Lauren!

I don't have a f*cking car.

OK, I'll look at the body parts
when I get access to the lab,

and then I'll see
if Toby's shat out the toe

and then I'll go into debt
renting my own car

so I can come back here tomorrow.

-OK?
-OK, great... Abby,

but they are driving off
without you again.

Oh, f*ck me dead!

Wait! Oh! Wait!

Wait! Wait!

-Hi.
-[both] Oh!

-f*cking funnel web in my...
-Good lord, Leo.

-...arsehole, tunnelling its way
to my brain.
-Sorry. I--

I did loud stomping.

Turns out you were wrong before,
about that land grab motive.

Ow, that slipped disc!

-Pinches in the bum!
-[ding]

-Want me to help, Pat?
-I'm fine.

[Leo] Is it sorting?
'Cause I like sorting.

-[Pat] Sure.
-Text from Miki.

Oh, did you?
Oh. How'd she get your number?

Did you... you gave it to her?
Did you give her your number?

What? No, shut your hole.

No. She just texted to say that Isaac
found the d*ck-bum in Stonker's territory.

Mate, that's 30 Ks upstream.

-Where the f*ck is it?!
-I know as much as you, Eddie.

[Leo] Remember how Eddie said that

a possible motive for Jason Wade
was wanting Don's land?

Collins, did you take my very special map?

No, no, I didn't take
your special soggy foot map.

So, Leo, Spud was a dead end,

but you said that there were three staff
left on the list.

-Yes, but this is better.
-Nup! I'm going to check the other bin.

I started looking into land titles,
which led me to Crown land,

which is a wild concept that I will
podcast about, if this goes to sh*t.

Hey, can I just get the highlights reel
on that one, Leo?

Don and Jason's properties
don't neighbour each other.

-There is another piece of land
betwixt them.
-Mm-hm? Yep.

It's called the DRR, Dirk's River Reserve.

It used to be military land,
but reverted to Crown land in 2003.

OK, so-- Oh, my God. Is this--

This is bigger! This one's bigger, Eddie.

[Eddie] Pat, have you seen my map?
It's got a really fun maze on it.

Five years ago, a native title claim
was submitted for the DRR.

Soon after, Don lodged a challenge
because he wanted that land.

-Right.
-Yeah.

Which means that Don
is
in a land dispute,
just not with Jason Wade.

-Uh-huh.
-So, Eddie, you were kind of right.

Stop talking.

I'm putting a pin in you.
Right. Come and have a look at this.

I've been thinking about
where the body parts were found.

-Have a squizz at this.
-OK.

Here is where the arm was found.
That's Goliath's territory.

-OK.
-The head was here in Titan's patch.

The foot was more downstream
where Monster is.

But the d*ck-bum,

the d*ck-bum, that was found
all the way up here

in Stonker's Territory.

Our k*ller's chopped up old mate,

then they've taken their busted boat,

and it's going
from croc hole to croc hole,

feeding Don to the bulls.

Whoever k*lled Don, they know this river
and they know these crocs.

Leo, uh, who is Don
in the land dispute with?

The Dungalaba Corporation.

[Cath] Yeah, so, Rabbit, I wasn't really
happy
only
doing the tourist thing.

And then Lynn offered me this job
and I was like, "Yes!"

because it's important to
be part of the community

and to contribute to it, isn't it, Rabbit?

-[man clears throat]
-Hello, I'm Cath. What can I get you?

-Yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah.
-[door opens]

Oh, here they are. Table for 36?

No, 35.
We lost one to the f*cking cops.

Al, do you have any alternative coverings?

A shirt? A poncho of some sort?

I only have the Chomp costume,
and it's too hot.

It'll give me swamp nuts.

-Right. Right, well, that's best avoided.
-Yeah.

Hey, how long will this take?
I'm on a date with Roisin right now.

We'll see. Al, when was the last time
you saw Don Darrell?

Mmm, I don't know.
A couple of weeks ago, maybe?

[Pat] Sorry, guys.
Sorry. Sorry to interrupt.

I've just got to get in here
and heat my heat pack up for my back.

Leo's helping
with the weapon search now, so--

I'm just getting zings down the leg.

-Would you say...
-[microwave whirs]

Would you say that you and Don Darrell
are friendly?

Nah, Don was always yelling at someone
or something.

Doesn't surprise me someone k*lled him.

He was a p--

Wait. Why are you asking me?

[microwave beeps]

Oh, smells like Luke's microwave tuna.

I tell you that,
he's not socialized right.

What adult sucks yogurt from a pouch?

I mean, you know?
Very
weird.

Anyway, I'll get out of your hair.

You're looking good, Al. Eh?

Al, we know your family was involved in
a land dispute with Don Darrell,

for ages, yeah?

Says here it's been in court
for five years.

Five years. That is a long time.

We've been waiting longer than that
to get our land back.

-Mm.
-Fair enough, yeah.

So, Al, where were you
last Sunday night at 11.30pm?

-I was at... home.
-Really?

'Cause this photo here
was taken from a drone

that was filming out at Don's donga
at that time.

This is Don, and we think that the person
in the Chomp costume is you.

That could be anyone.

Well, no, the person here
has a boat that's leaking fuel.

And we know that your boat is busted

because your niece, Cherry, said
she put dog biscuits in the fuel tank.

You're also one of
only two Land of Croc staff

that are tall enough
for the Chomp costume.

That's right, there was you and a...

"Roy-sin."

-Roisin.
-Right. "Sheen", "sheen".

It's the last... last name.

So, was it you or Mr Sheen?

-Look, it's not what it looks like.
-[Eddie] Really?

'Cause what it looks like is you
dragging a very dead Don Darrell

up the jetty towards the donga.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He wasn't dead.

OK, I was out on the river,

and then I saw him struggling
to get out of his boat

because he was sh*t-faced, OK?
Full horrors.

So I helped him inside.

So you didn't k*ll him? Cut him up?

Feed him to the bull crocs
like some kind of demon river Santa?

[Al] No! He was alive when I left him.

Why were you on the river then?

I was out there for special
king tide cultural business.

Oh, OK. Yeah. In your Chomp costume.

Yeah, I was stuck in it and there
was no-one left at work to help me.

Well, yesterday at the CrocaSphere,

Jason Wade said, "No-one knows this river
and its crocs like Al."

Exactly. If I was a m*rder*r,
which I'm not,

I'd never dump a body in a river
where 4,000 fish have been released

for the Bashnanza!

Crocs won't eat some old dead fella
when there's fresh barra to eat.

They're as smart as a chicken,
but they have standards.

I'm right, aren't I?

None of Don's body parts
were even eaten, eh?

And, yeah, my boat's busted-up
and it's leaking,

but any fuel trail will lead
from Don's jetty

back to where I tie up
near the creepy tree with a face.

'Cause after I got that r*cist prick
into the donga,

-I went home and I watched TV.
-[phone ringing]

I am sorry, I have to take this.

What did you watch on the telly, then?

Cool Runnings.
About the Jamaican bobsled team.

Can anyone verify that?

-The plot?
-Yes.

Superintendent.

Don't look away, Deb.
You don't want to miss it.

Sorry, Detective,
I'm just down here at Mindil Beach

watching the sunset with the in-laws.

-Have you been?
-No, no, I haven't.

Oh, you've got to go.

Look, I'm not religious,
but this is my church.

I mean, it's spectacular.
It's-- [chuckles]

Anyway, Jason Wade's been in touch.

He's ropeable about his staff
being questioned

while they were on the job today.

Ah, yeah, I did not think
that he recognised me.

Well, his Boys must have reported back.

He's called all the higher-ups too.

So do you have something on Jason?

Because if you do,
I'll absolutely back you.

No. No, we don't.

We were following a line of inquiry
that involved him,

but recent developments suggest that
neither Jason nor his staff

had anything to do with Don's homicide.

Oh, OK.

I'll report back to HQ
and put out some fires

because currently
Wade's clamped onto you

and he doesn't want to let go
until you've got no career left.

Oh! Well, that's super-duper news.

Yeah, look, Detective,
I know we've only just met

and I'm not across
what happened in Tassie,

but I do need to be kept
in the loop with all of this.

Communication is kindness,
as my daughter Alice says,

right before she sledges my footwear.

Yes, of course, Superintendent.

And, look, Deadloch wasn't the best
reflection of my professional standards.

Mistakes were made.

Yeah, well, I know
you're
diligent.

I've seen your handwriting.
I thought it was type.

But, from all reports, Detective Redcliffe
doesn't share your respect for protocol.

Look, Bernie, we're nearly there.
Keep an eye on it.

Like, obviously,
there's a chain of command.

Now, Redcliffe directing Sergeant Ferguson
to conduct a premises search today,

that wasn't great.

I mean, the fact that
he found something's irrelevant.

-Here we go!
-Sorry, Eddie did what?

Do you know how unprofessional and foolish
you made me look

in front of the Superintendent?

-You should have told me, Eddie.
-Look, I'm telling you now, OK?

I got Luke to do a property search.

-There you go.
-For what purpose?

f*ck' Frank's been up to his old tricks
again, hasn't he?

I wouldn't know, Eddie!

Same sh*t he was up to six months ago
when me and Bushie put him away.

I'm sorry, what?
You
put your dad away?

What, was he involved in a homicide?

No-- Yes! Yes, it was a f*cking homicide
to me, OK?

And when I saw my roommates
in that cool room last night, I knew,

I knew he was doing it again.

Doing what, Eddie?

Poaching wild crocs, Collins, OK?

Selling their bits on the black market

to make f*cking erection powders
and little morbid wind chimes and sh*t.

But don't take my word for it. Come look.

No! Frank poaching crocs might be ill*gal,
but it is not relevant to Don Darrell.

So I've been working
our actual case, Eddie,

but you, you've been having
covert conversations,

you've been unlawfully
discharging weapons,

requesting searches behind my back!

You know, I knew when I saw him
out here the other day, I f*cking knew!

I should've twigged then.
I should've f*cking twigged.

When those pub witches let me out and
I saw his scooter, I should've booked him.

Behold, Frank's craven f*ck'
black-market crocodile empire.

Yeah, it's a shock, isn't it?

Fo--

Wait.

Nah, there was f*cking crocs in here!

He's poaching again! They were here!

-Look! Look at all this!
-Look at all out treasure!

-Whoa! Let's go!
-Oh!

Guys, I found a microphone.

-Oi, can I have this?
-[Leo] Yes.

-What's this, can I have this too?
-[Leo] Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

We're rich!

-Come on, let's go, guys.
-Come on, you mob!

-Hey, this microphone still works.
-Give that to me.

I've got to make a new song for...

[kids continue to chatter indistinctly]

I swear! I swear, there were four crocs
in here, stacked up.

One of them had no head.

-It was a fridge full of wild salties.
-Oh, wow. None? No head, huh?

-He's moved them.
-Oh, when, Eddie?

-Oh, that f*cking c**t has moved them.
-He's been on our river search
all day, Eddie.

-He's used that magnet!
-We do not have time for this.

He's probably put him in his shed.

Hey, you two! I got a new job!
And my t*ts out.

I'm Lynn's bar wench.

Cath, have you seen my old man?

Bar stool second from the end,
puts 20 bucks down for a round.

Oh, my God, that's your dad?
No, no, he just took a call and left.

f*ck! Someone's tipped him off
about Moonboot.

-OK, we have to get to his place...
-No!

-...before he starts--
-No! We have our own case!

And clearly someone else
went out to the donga after Al left,

so I need you here,
not fixating on your dad.

No, I am not letting him touch
one more of those magical creatures, OK?

It's like defiling a merman!

-I found something in the river junk.
-Oh! Jesus...

I left it on your desk.

Please tell me it's
our motor-blade weapon.

-No, it's not.
-See, Collins, it's nothing.
-Oh, of course.

We're at imp's arse.

-Imp's arse?
-Come on, you're driving to Frank's.
Collins, check the river junk.

It's "impasse", Eddie, it's "impasse".

And leave your dad alone!

[♪ Dave Dobbyn's "Slice Of Heaven Plays"]

[Leo] Bang it, Leo! come on.

If you see a buffalo, just smash
through it. They don't belong here.

I'm not smashing through a buffalo.

[Eddie] Mentos, I'm your mentor.
I'm mentoring you to go faster.

-Well, I'm driving the speed limit.
-[Eddie] f*ck the speed limit!

This is a croc emergency!

-[Leo] I'm not f*cking the speed limit.
-Go up his driveway.

Alright, bang it up here, Leo.
Hey, there he is!

Handbrake! Tokyo Drift it!

[Leo] I don't know what drifting is.

[Eddie] Oh, nah, I'll run. Stop the car.
I'm gonna run.

You're slower than a turtle doing a sh*t.

[Luke] Mr McAllister, dismount.
Dismount the scooter!

-[Eddie] Frank! Frank, don't talk to him.
-[Frank] You've got no right to be here!

This is private property.
Where's your warrant?

Oh, there. There's your f*cking warrant.

What do you got for me, Moonboot?

Um, it's just over here.

Why can't you just do something normal
for a living like everybody else's dad?

Be a baker, or a butcher,
or a f*cking regional manager.

What are you on about, girl?

I saw the crocs in the cool room!

You're up to your poaching sh*t again.

I didn't poach any crocs!

-It was a stitch-up!
-Oh, bullshit!

Alright, what do you got for me, Moonboot?

What's he hiding out here, huh?

What did you find?

What the f*ck is that?

[tense music plays]

sh*t half-arsed job.

[grunts] Can't even...
dig a proper... f*cking hole.

What do you got buried in here, hey?

Croc heads? Croc tails?

Croc dicks, croc nuts, hey?

What are you trying to hide?

Here we f*cking go.
I've struck croc bone here.

What's this? Hang on.

What is that?

This is Detective Dulcie Collins
at Barra Creek Police Station.

We've found a police-issue handgun
with two rounds missing.

We're just hoping to identify the owner.

Uh, serial number V86463, November.

Mm-hm.

What is this, Frank?

Did you chop and chuck Don Darrell?

Did ya?

Thanks.

[theme music plays]

[music ends]