01x02 - Such Unavailable Girls

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe you're here

..in front of me.

If it wasn't for your mum,

I wouldn't even know you were back.

Yeah. She's veryconsiderate.

HE LAUGHS

I'm not expecting things to go back

to how they were right away. Um

Yeah, I think I just need some time

alone to sort of work out

what makes me happy.

But I know what makes you happy.

Me.

This is all about your dad.

Don't let your lack of trust in men

damage what we have. Yeah, but

You can't get rid of me

that easily! Sorry!

I'm prepared to put the work in,

round the clock.

Day in, day out, by your side.

I'm not leaving you.

So don't try andpush me

awaysilly.

You're right. I'm being stupid.

Sorry.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hi. I need to ask for Angela.

Are you all right?

SOFTLY: Angela.

I'm asking for Angela.

Out. Why?

My girlfriend's in there.

My girlfriend's inside.

DOOR SQUEAKS

This programme contains

strong language, adult humour

and some scenes of a sexual nature.

HE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS

Right, well, I'll be heading off.

So soon?

At least wait until you've seen

the girls.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Where are they?

Billie's upstairs,

and Josie's getting back together

with her boyfriend.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Does he make her happy?

She doesn't know what makes

her happy. Luckily, I do.

She's been playing with fire.

How do you mean?

Well, the thing about Josie

is that she's been experimenting

with someideas lately.

Oh, yes? Like what?

Oh, you know, things like

who she is, what she wants.

Her feelings.

Well, that sounds good.

No, Dev.

No, it's not.

Has he gone? Security finally

got him out.

He was really crying, actually.

He looked awful.

Yeah. What a prick.

So manipulative.

My dad's the exact same - toxic.

Really?

My dad went out for teabags

ten years ago and never came back.

Wow.

I'm sorry. It's OK.

It's made me who I am,

unfortunately.

I'm Sid.

I struggle in relationships

because I've never had a reliable

model for romantic love before.

I'm Josie. I'd like to be called

Jerry,

but Mum's trying to put a

stop to that

because she thinks it's a slippery

slope to updating my pronouns.

At least you have a mum.

Mine's dead.

Watched her die.

Slow and painful.

She was a bag of bones by the end.

Wow.

Yeah. The whole thing was

very Traumatic?

Yeah, it was terrible.

Are we going to kiss?

Maybe.

OK. Be right back, then.

MOANING AND GASPING

Talk to me.

What do you want me to say?

Tell me you love me.

What, like roleplaying?

Um

..yeah.

What's our wedding like?

OK. So you're in a dress. Yeah.

And is everyone looking at me?

Yeah. The whole family.

OK, everyone but Josie.

J-Just your mum, then.

I love you.

Love you, too. Yeah.

We're still doing roleplay, yeah?

HE GRUNTS AND GASPS

Where do you think Nicky goes

when he runs off

into the night?

Don't know. Probably somewhere

really mysterious.

Yeah.

Like big Tesco.

I met the love of my life tonight.

Her name is Sid.

I finally have a reason

to continue to live.

What shall I do?

Probably just leave it, right?

Did you break up with Seb? Tried to,

but he just kept promising

he's never going to leave me.

That's my f*cking dream.

I'm going to marry that man.

Mrs Billie Nicky.

That's his first name.

Oh, yeah.

Have you had your period yet?

f*cking hell, you're obsessed

with my period.

It's like Dad -

it'll come back when it's ready.

Please.

Girls! Come downstairs!

Dev's waiting!

BOTH: In a second!

If you're tinkering with the scales

before the weekly weigh-in,

I'll know. I won't have any eating

disorders in this house!

Come on. Come on.

Nothing's coming. Push harder!

I'm trying. It's my noonie.

She's so scared.

Girls!

BANGING ON DOOR

I'm panicking.

I need you to help me.

I can't do it on my own.

What you want ME to do?

I need you to hold it. What?

Hold it for me so I can concentrate

on weeing. I can't do both.

You can't hold the stick and wee?

It's too much to think about.

Quickly, Jose, it's nearly there.

BILLIE STRAINS

OK, done.

Did I get it on the stick?

I think so, yeah.

Oh, sh*t.

We have to do it again.

What? Why?

Because that's mostly come.

SHE SIGHS

Oh.

Wine on a Thursday.

How decadent.

Only a dribble.

She's a greedy little pig

and she'll never finish it.

It's OK. I'm not supposed to drink

on my antidepressants.

And it's yucky.

Right. Um, Deb, I was wondering -

I've got this dinner tomorrow night.

It's my boss Mark

and his wife Jen.

It's recently just been the three

of us but

would you fancy coming along?

I would like nothing more

in the world.

Oh, good.

Everyone's bringing something.

Why don't you just bring

a nice bottle of champagne?

Cheers, everyone.

SHE GULPS

Thank God for that.

For a second I was like,

"What are we going to do?"

I know, right?

Just a lovely big plus.

The plus means you're pregnant.

Uh, no, the plus means no baby.

Like, big plus,

you're not having a baby.

Some people want to have them.

Oh, sh*t.

That's f*cked up. I know.

Billie, that's, uh

You're not supposed to

The sink was right there.

Sorry, baby brain.

OK, so what's the plan?

What are we going to do?

I don't know. See what happens?

Billie, you can't just keep it

a secret and wait for it to pass.

This isn't HPV. You're pregnant.

Are you going to keep it?

I don't know.

It's up to him, isn't it?

My body, his choice.

I mean, how hard could it be?

Mum did it. Yeah.

But I thought that's why we agreed

the bloodline should stop with us.

What are you two whispering

about in here?

We're talking about boys.

Nicky said he loved me tonight.

Yeah, but if you're having sex,

it doesn't count.

And Josie's back with Seb.

Look at us.

Spinsters no more.

Sometimes you don't realise

that you're sat right next

to your Prince Charming

because he's on his iPad.

Look at me and Dev.

That TV's been on pause

for ten minutes.

Not said one word to each other.

Bliss! I think you're supposed to

talk to each other.

I like that he's quiet. Stoic.

What goes on behind his eyes

is none of my business.

We are completely comfortable

with each other.

Doesn't that mean you have nothing

in common? That's not my problem.

Then why do you keep asking us

to come in, then?

That had better not be going

in the sink.

That's £1.67 in that glass.

If you pour it, you finish it.

But I'm not supposed to Drink it!

Good girl.

So I'll go back to the bar and tell

Sid I'll k*ll myself

unless she goes out with me?

I think we need to be less intense -

we're chill-casual girlies.

Cool. Yeah, chill.

So when are you going to tell Nicky

you're casually having his baby?

Yeah. See, this is the thing.

I just think being pregnant

feels a bit desperate.

What do you mean?

He's flighty.

He's mysterious.

That's what he likes about me.

I'm also an enigma. Hmm.

I just think being pregnant

with this baby feels like

I might be a bit too available.

You make a strong point.

Yeah. So new tactic -

I'm going to be as unavailable

as possible.

Get him jealous.

Or you could tell him the truth.

Uh, hello, Psych Ward.

My sister needs to be readmitted.

She's lost the f*cking plot.

Listen to me -

I don't want to scare him off.

What, like right now?

Uh, no, with a baby. Are you sure

you shouldn't just tell him?

No. This is loads better.

Trust me, it's mother's intuition.

Move!

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Hang up from the Samaritans.

You're giving me a f*cking hickey!

Why? Because I've been texting Nicky

all day,

telling him not to contact me

because I'm unavailable

and he's not texted me f*cking once.

So I've got a new plan.

I'm going to show up to the club

tonight with a hickey,

like I've been hooking up

with someone. Off you go, then.

Can't someone else do it? Who?

We don't know anyone.

Stuff like this is why I wish

we had female friends. Nah.

No such thing.

All right, if I do this,

will you come to Sid's bar with me?

I'm afraid to go in. Yes, yes. Fine.

For God's sake, Josie, it's pathetic

being this obsessed with someone.

Now, hurry up and suck my neck.

JOSIE WHIMPERS

Yeah, that'll do. Thanks.

That'll flare up really nice.

Why are you so sweaty?

It's called "the glow".

You wouldn't understand

because you're not a mother,

you long, ratty freak.

At what point do you think

the maternal instinct kicks in?

I don't know.

I'm still hoping it might happen

for Mum.

Do I look feminine?

You look great.

Do I look nice?

You look like the before picture

in a makeover show.

Can you give us a lift?

Sure. I'll just get my keys.

Shall I ask the butler to turn the

linen down later, too, Your Majesty?

Rinse the sh*t off your chamber pot?

No, thank you. Right.

I'm just about ready.

Dev and I can have a conversation

tonight.

Bond. Oh, Mum, that's the divorce

champagne. You can't take that.

I promised to open it when the debt

your narcissistic prick of a father

left us in was paid off.

I don't think I can make

that day happen by myself.

We need Dev.

That man is our Willy Wonka ticket

out of f*cking hell.

Trust me, it will be worth it.

Go, Mum.

Go to Willy Wonka and get

us that massive house.

DEV CHUCKLES

Buona sera.

THEY KISS

Allow me, madame!

DEV CLEARS HIS THROA

Oh, lovely!

Yes, you can put that with

Mark and Jen's.

BOTTLE CLUNKS

Come and meet the g*ng.

SHE SIGHS

What, that one over there?

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm so scared.

I'm not surprised.

She's beautiful.

It's almost like she's a different

species to you.

I'm not h*m*, but the two

of you together feels unnatural.

I know. She's so beautiful

I feel like apologising for her

having to look directly at me.

What if we lean in to kiss and

I accidentally suck out her soul?

Agreed.

If I was you, I'd probably

give up now.

Maybe she'll spot me across the room

and realise I'm the f*cked-up

love of her life. Don't think so.

Sometimes me and Mum forget

you're even there when

you're standing right next to us.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, my God.

He's replied.

Nicky's invited me to the club.

He wants to be with me.

He's wanted to be with me all along.

I knew it!

Yes! He DOES love me.

Right, I've got to go.

My man needs me.

You've just given me

a f*cking hickey, you b*tch.

f*ck's sake!

How do you get a hickey off?

OK!

Mark, Jen, this is Deb.

DEV CHUCKLES

Right. Well, I'll just go and check

on my shakshuka.

Honestly, Dev has been truly

incredible, given the circumstances.

Yes, the whole

thing has been terrible.

I thought he'd never move on.

What do you mean?

Well, he just really struggles

to connect with people. Yes.

I used to get worried

because he's always on his iPad

and I thought he might be looking

at porn, but I had a look.

It's almost always

something from Grange Hill.

Oh Yeah, well, sort of.

I just mean, since his wife's

passing, he's not been the same.

Yes.

Obviously. She was gorgeous.

A natural beauty.

We'll never be able to understand

what he's gone through.

I keep telling him to join

a support group.

Yes, but it's mostly women

who have lost their partners.

You know, I suspect they use it

mainly as a dating service.

HE LAUGHS

I can't imagine what losing

your partner must be like.

Absolutely.

I think it looks fine.

Yeah.

This is better, actually.

I'm going to say

I've been in an accident.

Whiplash. Was in

a really fit boy's BMW

and he emergency stopped

trying to kiss me. Yeah?

And I said, "Uh, no, thanks, I'm

with Nicky. I'm loyal to my man."

But the seat belt had already

jabbed into my neck.

Right. I'm off. See you.

Wait, what am I supposed to do?

Josie, she likes you BECAUSE of

your trauma.

It's your superpower - you've got

this.

I'm very nervous.

You're a complete waste of space.

Mum wishes she'd never had you.

Dad liked me more than you

because we bonded over how much

we dislike you. None of us like you.

If you don't lock that girl down,

you're going to spend the rest

of your life in bed, holding hands

with Seb,

staring down the barrel of forever,

waiting for death to come so you can

have another go in the next life.

You're going to be

an incredible mother.

SOBS SOFTLY

Sid! Sid! I forgot to tell you the

best bit -

I got sectioned! Sorry?

I'm completely unhinged.

I've tried to k*ll myself twice.

I just gave my pregnant sister

a hickey. Josie, I, um

I wanted to speak to you about this,

actually.

I had therapy yesterday.

We talked about you.

Really? Yeah.

She said it's a bit unhealthy for

us to bond over our trauma so soon.

I don't really know you.

But that doesn't sound right.

What else are you supposed to talk

about? Well, what else are you into?

You must have other stuff going on.

What do you mean?

You're more than all your trauma,

aren't you?

You've got to be.

Yeah, obviously.

Surely you have other stuff

going on.

You know - friends, hobbies,

ambitions.

Sorry, this is a little bit

overwhelming.

Are we going to kiss?

Oh, I don't know. I don't kiss

strangers.

I think you need to work out

who you are first.

Who are you?

Who are you, really, Josie?

I'll be right back.

THEY LAUGH

You know, I must say,

I'm very impressed with the way

you've handled this year, Dev.

Deb and I haven't actually spoken

about It's all right.

I know.

You know?

Yes. And I think you're being

very brave.

Oh I miss her.

What a girl.

Outdoorsy, wholesome,

fantastic cook.

Hard to ever replace her.

That's the kind of connection

that takes years to create. Hmm.

I really do think

that support group would be good.

I know it's mostly women, but

My husband died too.

Did he?

I did not know that.

I thought you were separated.

Oh, yes.

By death.

It was a tragic accident.

What happened?

If you don't mind talking about it.

Well, I do find it a bit hard to

talk about, but

He was a wonderful man.

Kind, generous.

Then one day, he was leaving

the house to take Josie

to her dance school audition.

I couldn't go because I was busy

reading to children

with dodgy eyesight.

Anyway, he was rushing his dinner

because he was running a bit late.

Ended up choking on a chicken goujon

on his way out.

Oh, that is terrible.

Yeah, awful.

It was a very gruesome death.

Soiled himself in the accident.

Paramedics say it's the most

embarrassing thing

they've ever walked in on.

I blame myself a bit, but mostly

I blame Josie

because it was her fault.

It still hurts to think about,

so please don't ask any

more questions.

LINE RINGS

What is it? Are you dying?

Mum, can you pick me up, please?

I'm having big feelings.

Well, can you force them down?!

I'm a bit busy!

Just quickly, do you know who I am?

f*ck yes!

Thank God for that. Who am I?

Hello?

DEB GASPS

Mum?

DEB PANTS

DEV CHUCKLES, MUFFLED

CHUCKLES

Hang on.

To Spencer.

May he rest in peace.

MUSIC BLARES

Are you Billie? Yeah.

Nicky wants you. Does he need me?

I knew it.

Excuse me, everyone.

My man needs me.

Took your f*cking time.

I've been in a whiplash.

That was an emergency kiss. Shut up!

Nicky here is saying

that this is yours.

Uh Exactly. Yeah.

So like I said, I was in the club,

minding my business,

and then my girlfriend's pulled out

this baggie,

which I had no idea about.

She asked me to look after it

while she goes to the toilet.

It's f*cking

It's nothing to do with me.

Is this yours, miss?

G

Girlfriend?

That's right.

I'm his girlfriend.

You can do this.

You are a strong, confident woman.

A strong, confident woman

who doesn't know what she wants

and is afraid to get it.

Sorry, everyone.

Just me and my boyfriend

coming through.

Right, back to mine?

Nah, mate.

You got kicked out, not me.

I'll text you later, all right?

Nicky called me his girlfriend

tonight.

Wow! That's amazing. I know.

Please don't have his baby.

Yeah, I'm probably not going to.

I don't know what it is,

but something is telling me

he might be a bit unreliable.

He'd be a terrible dad.

Like Dad. Dad might still come back.

He only went out for teabags.

Why does everyone keep talking

about him like he's dead?

Please don't bring their dead father

up to the girls.

His passing has been traumatic,

and they still haven't moved

past the denial stage.

Of course.

Girls, I just wanted to say

I think you're both so brave

and you've been through a lot.

Yeah, I know. Thank you.

Finally, someone's saying it.

I had no idea about your father.

All I can do is offer you

my condolences.

What?!

Girls, can we have a little quick,

fun family private chit-chat?

I've told Dev your father's dead.

It's your fault, Josie.

He's not dead.

He only left for teabags.

Yeah, ten years ago.

They do move stuff around

in that shop a lot, though.

I told Dev that he died on the way

to Josie's audition

for dance school. OK, great.

So I k*lled him?

Sorry. It felt right.

That's the plot

of Save The Last Dance.

I know, I'm sorry. It was on Sky

last night after you went to bed.

Luckily, Dev wasn't watching

cos he was on his iPad.

He's not dead. He's not.

Billie, I'm sorry for saying

that your father's dead.

But trust me, when you're a mother,

you'll understand.

Can I talk to you about something?

Why? Are you pregnant?

No. OK, good.

I dread the day

we have that conversation.

I never see any condoms in your bin,

and Lord knows we all hear

you having sex.

Remember, pregnancy is game over.

Getting pregnant with Josie

was the worst mistake of my life,

and not just because it was

with Josie.

Should I go?

Sorry. I didn't realise you were

still here.

Apparently, I tried to kick her away

like giraffes at the zoo

when they can tell there's

something wrong with their baby,

but the nurses just handed her back

and told me she was fine.

How wrong they were. Having Josie

meant that I was stuck

with your father for 18 years.

Really?

Imagine being stuck with the same

man, trapped,

unable to leave,

for 18 years.

Lockdown.

Wow.

That sounds terrible.

f*ck, yes.

We're going to call him Nicky.

What if it's a girl?

Nicky.

This isn't as fun for me

if you're crying. Sorry. Hormones.

I just wasn't expecting you

to react like this.

Wait

What, this isn't roleplay?

Do YOU know who I am?

You're Josie.

You're my girlfriend.

And that's enough.

Yeah. OK.

That IS enough.

I'm sorry. I've been silly.

That's OK.

But, you know, you never have

to have big feelings ever again.

Thank you.

I used to think love was about

electricity and passion,

but that's not real.

Love is feeling safe.

With you, my heart is quiet.

Like, numb.

It feels really nice.

You make me feel numb.

Seb, please, my dad just died.