01x03 - Such Birthday Girls

[bunniefuu]

You know I'll support you,

whatever you choose,

even though I seriously don't think

you should keep it.

But it is my body.

Oh, totally.

Your body, your choice.

One choice is very clear, though.

Don't keep the baby.

Yeah. But it is up to me.

Oh, completely. Yeah.

Your choice -

to not have a baby.

I'm hearing you.

But it is my choice.

Totally, yeah. Your body.

One clear, obvious choice.

Yep.

My choice.

Getthat

..out of me!

Would you feel differently

if I told you it was twins?

THEY RETCH

SHE GASPS

As we're sure you know, you've had

lots of arrears notices,

and you've been late

on every single Look, Clive

I'm sure I've made the payment. Has

it not been credited to the account?

Must be something wrong

with the system.

Look, I don't want a fight.

I'm just doing my job.

Please hand the keys over.

No. Check the account again.

I can check again

but it's still the same.

Enjoy this, do you?

How do you sleep at night?

Not well, I hope.

Hello!

Right, then, go on.

Take 'em, take!

Just f*cking go.

Who was that, then?

MOT service.

That's great. They come and collect?

I didn't know they could do that.

Yeah.

It's absolutely fantastic.

Seb wants to have sex.

Can you believe it?

In general, yes.

With you, no.

Just say you don't want to.

Just feels a bit confrontational.

Yeah, but you're g*y.

Nah. Too hard.

This is easier.

What, hiding from Seb?

No, hiding from my feelings.

Mum's right -

I was playing with fire.

Seb loves me unconditionally.

Plus, he comes with me

to everything.

You could get a dog to do that.

Can I sleep in your room tonight?

No. You've made your bed.

Now go get f*cked in it.

SEB SOBS

Not tonight. I'm sorry.

HE GROANS

There, there. But sex is supposed

to help you bond with your partner.

Well, that's not true.

I've been masturbating for years

and I couldn't hate myself more.

But don't you love me?

Yeah, course I do.

And you fancy me?

Absolutely.

Well

..prove it.

Would you like me

to take your clothes off?

No, thank you.

Would you like me

to take MY clothes off?

No, thank you.

Right. Well, I'm going to masturbate

in the toilet or I won't sleep.

Don't worry.

I'll I'll think about you.

I

I'm sorry I'm so virile.

I I really am.

Is Is there something

wrong with me?

Mm. Could be, yeah.

What? Am I? Am I a sex addict?

Oh, er, yeah. Maybe.

I would like to do it, though,

at some point.

But that's what an addict would say.

You're right.

It's It's disgusting.

I'll get therapy, I promise.

Seb wants to get therapy.

Can you believe it?

Oh, no. Are you jealous?

No, I'm in danger.

I can't have him working out the one

toxic thing in his life is me.

Not just in HIS life, Josie.

Seb is the plaster

holding this gaping wound shut.

I cannot afford to have

that plaster become sentient.

What am I going to do?

You're going to have

to have sex with him.

Maybe I could tell him it's not

feminist. He loves that sh*t.

Wanks his little willy off over it.

No, they've changed it.

We're supposed to love it now.

f*ck, seriously?!

I can't keep up with this stuff.

You've got two options.

Have sex with him,

or dump him, spread your wings

and enjoy some time alone.

Maybe I can learn to like it.

Do you like it?

No, obviously not.

Nobody does, Josie.

We're not meant to enjoy it.

That's not what it's for.

Ask literally any woman.

Not one of us actually likes d*ck.

It's not something you enjoy,

it's just something you get through.

Hmm.

Right, OK. Yeah, got it.

Hmm.

Something about this

doesn't feel quite right.

It feels like maybe

you could be doing this for me.

Seb, please. The patriarchy.

Right, yeah. Sorry.

Sorry, Emmeline Pankhurst.

Look at me. I'm revolting.

I need orgasms.

I mean, they're really nice.

I want to keep on having them

and that's an addiction,

and I need help.

Orwhat if we make a deal?

Like a sex deal?

Yeah, like

..I give you a hand job on Fridays?

Three hand jobs a week.

Full sex once at the weekend.

No sex.

Two hand jobs a week

Mondays and Wednesdays?

OK.

And on special occasions?

Yeah. Deal.

Are you sure you don't want

to finish me off?

I don't want to violate

the terms of the contract.

Right, yeah.

Looking forward to tomorrow, then.

What? Why?

Oh, for f

Happy birthday, Josie.

It's a privilege to be here

on such a special occasion.

VERY special occasion.

We did wonder what to get you.

What do you get the girl

that's got everything?

So we asked the person

that knows you best.

You're welcome.

It's from both of us.

Thanks.

Straighteners?

Yeah! Because you broke

the last ones, didn't you?

Hmm, no, you broke yours.

Oh, f*cking hell. If you don't

want it, I'll have it, then!

Ungrateful b*tch.

Er, Deb, small problemo.

Run out of juice.

Well, you could just pop out

and get some? Oh, don't worry.

No, I'll make do

until you go shopping again.

But could you get Tropicana?

I'm sure they water

this cheap stuff down.

So, birthday girl!

Where are we going for dinner, then?

Are we going out for dinner?

I assumed we would.

That's sort of what you do

on your birthday, isn't it?

Of course we are.

Nothing is too good for my girls.

I do treat you well.

I just wish someone would look

after me the way I look after them.

Absolutely!

Really?

Yes, of course.

You work so hard.

It's the least you deserve.

Oh, I'm a little bit excited.

I think Dev's going to take us

to dinner!

Yes!

Remember? Tropicana!

SHE GROANS

SHE COUGHS

Can I have the afternoon off?

I'm not feeling very well.

Oh, right. What with?

An ab*rtion.

Billie Johnson?

Why are you here, birthday princess?

The rota says you booked today off.

I'm hiding from my boyfriend.

I'm contractually obligated

to give him a hand job.

Hmm.

That doesn't feel very consensh.

You can't report societal

pressure to the police, Claire.

This is my cross to bear.

But you could break up with him.

No. Not worth it.

I'm confused. I thought you said

that you were a l*sbian.

We don't know that for sure.

Boys are easier,

cos I don't feel anything.

Girls stir up all

these weird special feelings.

What? Like love?

No. Like fear.

I feel safe with Seb.

I'm not scared of him.

And coming from a loveless

background, popping my sexuality

to one side just feels like

a small price to pay.

Are you really that afraid

of being alone?

Do you ever get home to an empty

house after a long day at work,

get your comfy PJs on, make

some nice dinner, watch some TV,

and think,

"Why don't I just k*ll myself?"

No.

PHONE CHIMES

How are you feeling?

Yeah, fine.

I just need to not think

about babies for a while.

You might need to wear these.

Nappies?

Adult incontinence pants, yeah.

Thanks.

Happy birthday.

Your present is you not

being an aunt. Congratulations.

How was it?

I mean, it was an ab*rtion.

It wasn't a weekend at Glastonbury.

They wheeled me in vag*na-first

and five men fiddled with my nunny

when I was unconscious.

It's a bit like Glastonbury, then.

Oh, yeah.

Nicky!

Phew!

So, I've asked about spice levels.

Should be fine.

Oh, you said it was fancy.

You look just like James Bond!

I've got a licence to k*ll.

But I won't use it.

What a gentleman.

Josie. No Thanks, darling.

Hmm.

Well, this is all Greek to me.

Because it's a Greek restaurant!

Can everyone know what

they're going to order, please?

I don't want any delays

when the waiter gets here

because me and Josie have

some alone time booked later

that just can't wait.

Yeah, but no rush, OK?

It's my birthday

and I'd like to enjoy it.

I think I'm going to get the lamb

with a side of "coo-coo".

I always thought that was couscous.

No, it's definitely coo-coo.

You're so f*cking clever.

You're clever too, Josie.

In your own way.

Thanks.

Maybe I can make us

some of this stuff

when we get our place in Manchester?

Maybe a cheeky little linguini

in our flat. Yeah?

What's happening in Manchester?

Nicky's going to be head

c*ck-maker at Smirnoff

and open Manchester's first ice bar.

Billie Bar.

We're still thinking about the name.

Well, that sounds amazing.

Sounds impractical.

Oooh, what shall I have, Dev?

Perhaps the steak and the lobster?

And maybe a pina colada?

You can get whatever you like!

Hmm

..what do I want? What DO I want?

There's so much choice. Too much

choice, actually. I'm a bit scared.

I think I need more time

to assess my options.

Gosh, Josie, you're so thorough!

You know, if you carry on like this,

we'll be here till midnight!

Can I hear the specials again?

How slow-cooked

is the slow-cooked vegetables?

And the erm, the steak

that's well done -

is there anything more

than well done?

f*ck's sake, Josie! We know you're

going to get chips! Hurry up.

Just the chips, please.

So, how did you two lovebirds meet?

We met at the club.

He showed me how straight a line

he could draw without a ruler.

It was really straight.

It was really f*cking straight.

So hot.

What's that?

It's

..a nappy.

Why are you wearing a nappy?

What, do you not like me

wearing a nappy?

Er, I'm just not really into

that whole sexy baby thing.

I guess I'll go take it off, then.

OK.

I must say,

I am surprised you're still here,

but it is great that you are.

I thought you might immediately take

off after Billie got the ab*rtion.

I'm just going to go

check on Billie.

OK. Right.

He is so great.

Oh, yeah, he's great. He's amazing.

Can you slow down?

If you eat this quickly,

it's terrible for your digestion.

Chew. Chew.

It's not a race.

You're right. I want to be fit

as a fiddle for tonight.

Where's Nicky?

Don't know. Toilet?

I hope he hurries up.

It's nearly time to get back.

What time does this place shut?

Maybe we should go somewhere

afterwards?

Can't get any bloody ketchup out!

Let me have a go.

Josie's good at that.

What's the trick again, Josie?

Oh! Sorry.

Josie, you're making this lovely

meal very difficult to enjoy.

We really should wait

for Nicky to get back.

It's only polite. Yeah, thank you!

At least someone's got

some manners around here.

Ever heard of etiquette?

Yes, Seb. Very straight.

Seriously, where the f*ck is Nicky?

Nicky? Hello? Nicky!

That's so weird.

He's been great tonight.

I don't know why he would take off.

We had such a good chat.

I told him how amazing he's been

since you had your ab*rtion.

What?

I just said he's been

really supportive and kind

since you had your ab*rtion.

I've not f*cking told him I had one.

Why would you not tell him?

He's been so nice.

Because he was being nice to me

so I'd get the f*cking ab*rtion!

Oh, right.

That does make sense.

Right, I'm going. Sit down, Billie.

I need to find Nicky.

He's gone, love. This is the longest

we've ever seen him for.

I don't even know how you managed

to get him here tonight.

Is he on drugs?

I think he was, yeah.

I need to go and find him.

He wouldn't do this to me.

I think he probably would.

He wouldn't leave. He wouldn't.

He loves me.

All right. Well, let's give him

the benefit of the doubt.

He might not have left.

He's obviously f*cking left, Dev!

How dare you speak

to James Bond like that!

Sorry, Mr Bond.

Your sister knows

how to keep her man.

You should be more like her.

Oh, Josie's a l*sbian!

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Josie

# Happy birthday to you! #

ErJosie's not g*y.

She's obviously straight.

She's about as straight

as this f*cking line, Seb.

Well, she's always talking

about men she fancies.

Oh, really? OK.

Josie, name a single man you fancy.

Come on. Any man will do.

James Bond?

Well, you can't have him. He's mine.

I really thought

you were going to say me.

What, has he really gone?

Just Just tell me the truth.

It's all right, I promise.

I'm sorry.

Josie! Please, control yourself.

Honestly, this is the thanks

I get for loving both you too much.

LINE RINGS

This is your fault,

you snivelling little rat.

Maybe we can't force people

to be with us, you know.

Some people say

if you love someone, let them go,

and just trust they'll come back.

Yeah, right. Like Dad.

I'm not falling for that again.

Listen, Josie,

we have to do everything in our

f*cking power to lock people down.

If you love someone, hold on to them

for dear life and grip so hard

until you fuse with their body

like a human f*cking centipede.

Billie, you're hurting me.

Sorry.

You'll need that

for your hand job later.

Just me and my boys.

I'll say it.

I did not like that guy.

I'd never leave like that.

I know you wouldn't, darling.

You're family.

I'll just go and check on the girls.

Do you like having orgasms?

Er

Hmm.

Yes.

Yes, I think so.

So, are you a sex addict too?

His icon's disappeared.

My messages only have one tick.

What do you think that means?

I think it means you've been

Don't say it!

..blocked.

He wouldn't do this.

He wouldn't block me.

Who's going to hand out

topless shots at Billie Bar?

He took me to the fair last week.

It was so romantic.

Does that sound like a man

that wants to leave me?

I think he was trying

to give you a miscarriage.

What, even on the dodgems?

Especially on the dodgems.

Right, well, you need

to help me, then.

Why? Cos I'm going to k*ll myself.

What's your plan?

Hold me down

till the last bubble pops.

WATER SPLASHES

SHE GURGLES

What has happened to this family?

We used to be so open

and honest with each other.

A real unit.

No, we didn't.

You always hurt the ones

you love the most.

That's why you're doing this to me.

Anything I can do?

This is actually a bit

of a private conversation, Dev.

Anything you say to me

you can say to him.

OK. Erm, Billie's had an ab*rtion

but she was keeping it a secret

because Nicky's being really nice

to her, and now she's been blocked.

I'll just

There he goes. 007 himself.

Why didn't you tell me?

About what? The ab*rtion

or Josie being g*y?

The ab*rtion. We all know

Josie thinks she's g*y.

You know I'm g*y? Yeah,

you think you're g*y - for now.

Why didn't you tell me, Billie?

You think they're common.

They ARE common.

WE'RE common.

What the f*ck were you going

to do with a baby?

Well, maybe I would have been

good at it.

Yeah, I thought that too,

but look at Josie.

Sorry.

That is a very delicate,

sensitive man out there.

We cannot afford to spook him off.

For f*ck's sake, look at yourselves.

Josie thinks she's g*y

and you just tried to k*ll yourself

with a toilet.

You both need to grow up.

I did. I did the grown-up thing

and he left anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't help you with that.

My man is waiting.

Do you think

I would have been a good mum?

Of course.

Would I have been a MILF?

Yeah.

With big milky milkers?

OK.

Thank you.

That's a good one.

All sorted.

What did I missJames?

I was just getting the waitress.

Hello?

HE LAUGHS

I'm sorry. It always used

to make Lisa laugh.

There you go.

SEB: I'm ready! Are you coming?

In a second.

OK.

Bring tissues!

I love you.

I love you too.

Are you having a nice birthday?

Yes.

It's absolutely fantastic.

SEB SIGHS

OK.

I'm with a girl. She's got

short hair, masculine energy.

Her name is Sid.

No. No.

She's a pretty girl.

She's got long hair.

Her name is

..Jennifer.

Now we're talking about her mum

dying and my dad leaving,

and how that might have damaged

our attachment styles.

Do you take her top off?

I'd have to ask.

She said it's OK.

What's she wearing underneath?

A binder.

OK, yeah. Stop.

I lost it.