01x03 - The Date

[bunniefuu]

Interesting.

I'd have to say the chin.

You could live without a chin?

Easily.

But what would stop your teeth from

falling out the bottom of your face?

Trust me. I'd cope.

Anyway, it'd be a much better

life than you with your "no knees."

Just two stiff legs. Ridiculous.

For instance, how would

you drive a forklift?

That wouldn't concern me.

Break-dance. You

couldn't break-dance.

Again, that is just not something

that would affect my life.

I could easily live without knees.

Especially my knees. I hate 'em.

There's nothing wrong with your knees.

What do you mea? They're massive.

When I wear leggings,

it looks like I'm smuggling

a couple of cauliflowers.

Interesting. See, I'd

lean more towards satsumas.

Thanks.

Veggie.

Do I want anything from the airport?

- A giant Toblerone. Obviously.

- Obviously.

Looking forward to Veg coming home.

- Might cook him dinner.

- What, you?

Yes. Thank you, Daniel. I can cook.

Anyway, tonight's the big night.

What time's Amy arriving?

Just after 9:00.

After she's finished

with her last client.

Yeah. What's she do again?

- Personal trainer.

- Personal trainer.

I went out with one of

them. Do you know what?

He used to stop foreplay

to put his fitness watch on.

It was a bit of a mood

k*ller, if I'm honest.

Really? That reminds me.

What's the password for

the dating site again?

I just wanna check my

DMs to make sure I'm not

repeating myself with stories.

Yeah. Potato123.

Potato Potato123?

Yeah. Potato123.

- Potato123. Potato123. Potato123.

- So, how did you

tell her about the whole

not-being-able-to-go-out thing?

Yeah. You'll like this.

I didn't.

Danny, just tell her. She'll understand.

It's a first date.

I'll tell her when

things get more serious.

Like when we're in a care home together.

All right. Fine. So

what are you gonna cook?

- Where do you want it, Daniel?

- On the counter. Cheers, Adam.

Is Adam cooking?

No, he just picked up a few things.

Take me with you.

- Hi, Adam.

- Hi, Leese.

How's the firefighting?

Yeah, good. Well, not

good. No fire is good.

It's our main rule.

Okay. So, let me talk you through these.

I went foraging this morning,

so it's as fresh as can be.

- Danny, did he just say foraging?

- I think so, yeah.

So in here, you've got your nettles.

This is the best time of year for them.

I'm surprised there's ever

a good time to eat nettles.

Then you've got your wild

garlic and your chestnuts.

Any questions?

- I don't know where to begin.

- Okay, so, for me,

I like to fry it all up with oil

and then have it with some wild rice.

Have you got any wild rice?

- Do I have any wild rice?

- No. You don't have wild rice.

Don't worry. I got you. I'll be

back in a sec. Don't go anywhere.

Danny, don't you think

Adam does enough for you?

He does your washing, shopping and now

you've got him in the woods foraging.

He likes to lend a helping

hand. I'm not gonna stop him.

I think you're taking advantage.

Here we go. Wild rice.

Brilliant. Thank you.

Right, Adam. Listen up.

We were just talking.

If you had to live without a

body part, what would it be?

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

- Adam?

- Adam?

I don't know what I could,

but I definitely couldn't

live without my nose.

- Why not?

- I'd just miss it.

Did I ever tell you about that time

my uncle Brian worked in

construction in the '90s?

So there he was with his

mate Trevor, working away

when this six-foot sheet of

metal above them comes loose,

falls down, misses my

uncle, but whoosh

Catches his mate Trevor.

Slices the end of his nose off.

Somehow my uncle found the tip.

And without a moment's thought

- No! Don't eat it!

- he popped it in his mouth.

He put it in his mouth?

- You would, wouldn't you?

- No, you wouldn't.

- No. Why would you do that?

- No. You wouldn't.

The mouth is the best

place to keep it fresh.

No. I'm sorry. That just can't be true.

So wait. Your uncle

sucked on his mate's nose?

That's just not hygienic.

So what happened?

They took Trevor and

the tip to the surgeon

and got it stitched back on.

Now my uncle's godfather

to Trev's daughter.

And as for his nose, from some

angles, you would never know.

But from others, it did look a

bit like a badly-split sausage.

Right. I'd better sh**t.

Gotta pop upstairs and help

Mr. Shamim into his bath.

Any problems, I'm just

across the hall, all right?

- Cheers, Adam. Appreciate it.

- Bye, Leese!

Bye.

That guy's just too nice for his own

good. I can't believe he's still single.

You never say that about me.

But, Danny, I find it hard to comprehend

- that anyone ever went out with you.

- Yeah. Fair.

I am joking.

She better be good

enough for you, this Amy.

And she better not tease

you about how weird you are.

What, like you just did there?

Yeah. But that's different.

'Cause I'm allowed.

Yeah. All right. I'm a bit

terrified, if I'm honest.

The whole talking,

texting to her from a

distance of at least,

14 square miles, that's

terrifying enough.

But to have her here in the flat,

yards away from my underwear drawer.

Expecting me to talk,

say interesting things.

It's horrifying. I don't know

how people do this, you know?

I don't have any

stories to tell as well.

Because I've been inside all

the time. So I have no anecdotes.

I know I've put too much aftershave

on 'cause it's starting to redden,

and it's starting to burn the nostrils.

Serious now, what are the chances that

Amy's gonna be up for some nettles?

What, you mean nettles that a dog

has almost certainly pissed on?

This is gonna be the

worst date in history.

No, it's not. It's gonna be great.

Plus, I have already been

on the worst date in history.

Tell me about it. 'Cause if it's good,

I'm gonna package it as my own story.

He chose the place.

We had a couple of beers.

We had some good chat.

And then he suggested we move

to a different setting. I said

Yeah. Sure.

And that's when I realized

our table wasn't just a table.

What's going on?

It was also a bike.

Seven miles he made me cycle.

And for a week after

I walked around like a

cowboy lost in a car park.

Yeah. No, that's pretty bad.

Listen. I've been worrying

about this all week.

I've come up with a few ideas

that might help her feel more at ease.

Course you have. Go on

then. Let's hear 'em.

Okay. First one.

Do I remove all doors on my cupboards

so that she knows I'm

not concealing any weapons

or recording devices?

- No.

- Okay. What about this one?

Should I put on two pairs of trousers?

You know what?

Why don't you just put

a padlock on your flies?

I think that'll really put her at ease.

'Cause it What do you mean? Really?

No! A man with no cupboard doors

and wearing two pairs of

trousers would terrify me.

You know what you're trying to do?

- What?

- You're trying to sabotage yourself.

I know what you're like.

You've got this self-destructive thing

where you think you should be unhappy

and live alone for the

rest of your life.

That does not sound like me.

I am a one-man roller

coaster of happiness.

One-man roller coaster of

happiness, for one night only then,

why don't you try and enjoy yourself?

I hate trying to enjoy

myself. It hurts my tummy.

- That's her.

- Yep. I know it's her. I can hear.

- Okay.

- Just relax.

- And That's too much.

- Okay.

No, leave them. They were nice.

I'm okay. Sh

- Calm down.

- I am calm.

Don't say "calm down"

'cause then I won't be calm.

Don't panic.

You're good. You've got this.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Don't do that voice.

I know. Shut up.

Hang on. Yeah.

- Two seconds.

- Okay.

Better.

It's her. She's here now.

- So, I'm going to Yeah.

- Yeah, she's here.

- I'll keep you informed.

- Okay.

You're good. You've got this.

Just be normal, okay?

Don't say that.

Excuse me, sir. Sir?

Do it.

Amy.

Danny.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Sorry. Is it a kind of

- Hands.

Double. Isn't that better?

Who's she?

I thought I knew all your friends.

Please, come in. Quickly.

Sorry. Just ignore him.

I know it's tough, but

trust me, it's for the best.

Or would you prefer that open?

Why would I prefer that?

I don't know. If you wanted to

In case you felt If you

If what?

If you're in fear of your

life. Speaking of which

Adam.

- Yep?

- This is Adam.

- He's a firefighter.

- Hi.

Very tall, very muscular.

He can overpower me in an instant,

so that's the place to run

- if you any whiff of trouble, okay?

- Danny?

- Yeah?

- What are you doing?

Just trying to make you feel at ease.

Danny. Calm down. Get me

a drink, for God's sake.

Is it All right.

Trust me, if you did try anything dodgy,

I could kick your arse in an instant.

Okay. Excellent. Good

to Yeah. Good to know.

So do you just want

me to wait here or

ma'am I stabbed him in the neck.

Like you said. I told you that.

But what you didn't tell us is

that you also strangled him earlier.

You actually k*lled him twice.

Now, ma'am

- Cover me.

- Okay.

Hey, Leese. Everything okay?

Hey. Yeah. Just

checking you landed okay.

- We haven't even taken off.

- What?

No. Flight got delayed.

Yeah, pilot's lost his hat

or something. I don't know.

- 3:00!

- What?

Get him right in the face!

What are you doing?

Sorry. Me and Rob are

playing Dead Zone Seven.

Just to k*ll the time.

- And zombies.

- Yes, and zombies, to be fair.

So, what's up?

No. Nothing. Just looking

forward to seeing you.

- Yeah?

- Sorry.

Did I say you? I meant my Toblerone.

Charming.

If we get delayed any longer,

you'll be lucky if it makes it home.

- Yeah. Honestly, Lisa,

- No.

I've never been so

hungry in all my life.

Don't you dare Veggie. That Toblerone is

the only thing that's keeping me going.

I am dangerously bored right now.

9:00!

Okay. And I'm boring

you with how bored I am.

Why don't you give Danny

a call? You usually do.

Yeah. Only 'cause he's up when I'm up.

But No, he's actually

He's on a date tonight.

Right. Good for him. It's about time.

That's what I thought. It

is good for him. So, yeah.

Everything's all good basically.

Hang on, Leese. They've

breached the barricades.

- I'll text you when I land, okay?

- Okay.

Sorry. We'll just be a few minutes.

Hello. You okay?

Amazing.

- What is?

- She is.

That's good.

Yeah. There I was, totally

worried about everything, right?

She walks in, sees me

acting like a twat, says,

"Bollocks to this."

Takes one look at the

dog piss nettles and says,

"Let's just order in Chinese instead."

Honestly, I think she's the

funniest person I've ever met.

That's great.

Yeah. And also, she just

She's so easy to talk to.

That's so great. That's really

- That's amazing.

- Yeah.

So when you're talk

When the With the f

With the funny thing,

why's she so funny?

What's her Give me some examples.

What's her style? Like

Yeah. There was this bit where she

Honestly, I could not stop

You know when you're

not supposed to laugh?

Like when you're in school

and you'd get told off.

I just could not stop laughing

and kept going and going and going.

I was cracking up. There was a bit

What was it? She was

She was just kind of

I don't know if it's gonna make

any sense. That's the thing.

It's one of those things

where you had to be there.

That sort of thing.

Anyway, I'd better go.

She's probably wondering

why I'm taking so long.

I'll speak to you later. Ciao.

Okay.

Poppy?

Ice cream.

"Toes"?

You're joking.

I'm bloody not. You think

your cat fella is bad?

My neighbor, literally without fail,

sings through my letter box

every night at precisely 1:00 a.m.

He sounds nuts.

Yeah. Nice voice though.

There we go.

Lisa, she has this neighbor that

Hold on. Sorry.

Talk of the devil.

Sorry. I'll just

- Must be something important. Sorry.

- Yes. It's okay.

Hi.

Hey. Sorry, I just

wanted to let you know,

I've sent you a reset link for

the password for the dating site.

'Cause I was just thinking,

if my account gets hacked,

then your messages will get hacked

too. And that'd be really bad.

Right. Okay. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah. So, is Amy still there?

Yeah, she's still here.

That's great. She

obviously really likes you.

If she didn't,

she definitely would have sent a text

to a friend, getting them to call,

saying there was an emergency and

she had to leave immediately. So

Right. Okay. Yeah. No one's called.

Yeah. 'Cause usually, that's

within the first 15 minutes.

So if someone calls now,

then it probably is a real emergency.

Right. Thanks for letting me know.

Okay. Yeah, all right. I'll let you go.

Good luck. Have fun.

Yeah. Bye.

- Hi, and welcome to Rapid Recipes.

- Hi.

Now, this recipe is one

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Okay, are we ready?

Still ready.

So, I came up with this recipe

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This method of cooking actually

hails from the Sichuan province.

Traveling the country by rail

is a great way of seeing China

and all it has to offer.

I'll never forget the last words my

grandmother said to me before she died.

Oh, my God. Nobody cares.

Okay, so let's get down to some cooking.

Finally.

Travel to China in five-star

- No

- Hey.

Hi. How was Aberdeen?

Only really saw the

hotel conference suite.

It was nice though.

- I come with chocolate.

- Thank you.

Hungry?

Starving. I was just

gonna grab a Huel.

Actually, I thought I might cook.

God, are you feeling okay?

Don't be mean.

He's always doing that.

So, any scandal?

You know, "What happens in

Aberdeen, stays in Aberdeen"?

Not really. Just insurance stuff mainly.

Really? God, that's boring.

I thought conferences were

all about people getting drunk

and having orgies in hotel rooms.

- You've met the people I work with.

- Come on. There must be some gossip.

Who was that one at the Christmas party

who kept stroking your arm all night?

Paula.

She definitely has a

dungeon in her house.

- No.

- Yeah.

Although she did just have

her basement converted.

See?

Actually, I saw this

program the other day,

and there was this couple, right, who

were having their basement done up.

What did you do?

Veg.

- So good.

- So good.

Looks great.

Yeah, I managed to scrape

most of the burnt bits off.

So, bon appétit.

- Who's that?

- It's just

Steve from the Milton Keynes office.

Share the joke.

Ri Sorry, yeah.

Last night, the whole team,

we went out for dinner.

And we were starving, so

we ended up at Five Guys.

Five Guys? Wow, you never

go to Five Guys with me.

- Right, yeah. Sorry. We were there

- Sorry.

- Yeah. Go on.

- Yeah, and

They've got this drinks machine,

where you can pick whatever you want.

- Yeah. Okay.

- So Steve

- Steve goes up to it

- Okay.

and he mixes together

Oh, God, no. What?

Coke, Coke Zero and Diet

Coke. Like a third of each.

He didn't.

It gets better.

- Okay.

- So then,

he goes over to the

guy that works there,

who's looking at him like he is insane.

- I bet he was.

- And

Steve says

Steve says,

"I'm sorry, I've got a Coke problem."

No way.

Oh, man.

I thought they were gonna

throw us out or something.

Yeah, I bet you did. God, that

is just so Steve, isn't it?

Have you met him before?

No. But I feel like I have now.

Oh, yeah. Man.

The guy is such a joker.

Kills me.

You know what we should do?

I've got some cards.

They're called Spicy Talk.

- Spicy Talk?

- That's right.

They're like a "where'd you lose

your virginity" sort of thing.

They're a gift from Lisa.

Could be fun?

- Yeah, I'm game.

- Yeah?

Sure.

Question one.

"Where is the wildest place

you have ever had sex?"

My mum and dad's bed.

A mini submarine.

Basildon.

Trust me. It's crazy.

"Tell me the story of your first love."

Serena Williams.

I had this recurring dream

about her challenging me

to an arm wrestle.

She beat me every time.

That one's quite specific, isn't it?

Wonder Woman. Figurine.

Yeah, I sandpapered her uniform off.

To see her naked.

Things didn't work out

for obvious reasons.

"What do you think

is your best quality?"

My lung capacity.

Yeah, I can hold my breath

for four and a half minutes.

Looking on the bright side

of life. Plus, a great arse.

- Humble.

- What about you?

I'd say probably that I'm quiet.

My jizz.

And I like to tidy up after myself.

- So sexy.

- Isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Then rounding off the full package,

I like to stay out of the way.

"Weirdest sexual fantasy?"

I have one, but it's not mine.

You already know that.

Oh, yeah. Course.

You never told anyone though, did you?

What? Oh, no. Definitely not.

So, the sound of Marge Simpson's

voice actually gave him the horn.

You know I was really

drunk when I said that.

"Tell me something

you've never told anyone."

I don't know what a meme is.

I don't mind Coldplay.

- You're a monster. Too far.

- I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna leave my own flat.

Do you know what, I can't

really think of anything.

You're lying to me. You are. You're

doing that thing with your nose

- when you're hiding something.

- No.

Tell me what it is. Tell

me what you're hiding.

- Tell me, tell me.

- Okay. Okay.

You remember the Michael

Bublé concert we went to

when I got a bit carried away

and had all those espresso

martinis by mistake?

The next day I was out running

and they all sort of hit me.

Then something happened.

Something else.

Go away.

Ruby! Here, girl. Ruby? Where are you?

Ruby?

- Lovely morning.

- Hiya.

- Ruby?

- It wasn't until I looked back

that I realized she was doing it.

How did you do such a massive poo-poo?

No! Veggie!

Don't laugh at that. It's not funny.

The dog was tiny.

How she thought it came out

of it, what's she feeding it?

I need to get to bed.

I really wanna have a

workout in the morning.

Sorry.

Okay.

Love you.

Night.

Yeah. And now actually try.

- I am trying.

- Okay.

Is this the first time

you've ever done this?

Can you tell?

Fast, fast, fast. As fast you can.

Yeah, that looks really good.

- Is that it?

- Yes. And hook!

There we go. Dead. Gone.

Yeah. Eh, jab!

Jab, jab, jab. Super Superspeed.

Yeah. As fast as you can.

You're better than you thought.

Veg?

Yeah?

I'll come too.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Great.

Any minute now,

you'll be ready to sleep the

sleep of a thousand dreams.

Let me take you on a

journey of discovery.

Let my voice wash over your body,

as together we peel back the layers.

Exposing ourselves to

Veggie?

Vegger?

If you had to live without one

part of your body, what would it be?

Yeah. I'll sort it in the morning.

Only three more miles to go.

Great. Yeah

- Who died?

- What? Mum. Nobody.

Come on, Leese. You know the rules.

Anything after 10:30

has to be death-related.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. I

forgot. No. It's just

Come on. Out with it.

No. Nothing. Just

Okay, look, tiny thing.

- You think I'm funny, right?

- Funny as in weird or funny ha ha?

- Funny ha ha.

- Leese,

I'm not the right person to ask.

You know how uncomfortable

I get around laughter.

All right. Forget I said anything.

How's Poppy?

Yeah, she's fine.

And Veggie?

Yeah, you know. He's working hard.

Leese?

Why did you really call me?

I had better go. My taxi's outside.

Yeah. This was fun.

It was nice and stuff.

Maybe we should do it

again, if you want to.

Yes. I'd love to.

Yeah?

But no, I don't think so.

Danny, you're sweet. You're funny.

You're bloody weird. I like you.

That all sounds like good

stuff. Where did I go wrong?

Do you know what you spent

half of the night talking about?

Your ex. You're obviously not over her.

Wait. Chloe? I don't remember

talking about Chloe at all.

Chloe? No, I'm talking about the one

who kept calling you all night. Lisa.

Lisa? No, no, no. She's

not my ex. We're just mates.

I hate to break it to

you, but you're not.

Not from where I'm standing.

Honestly, Mum.

Me and Veggie, we're good. We're good.

You know what I think of

Veggie. The way he treats you.

The way he's taken on

Poppy like she's his own.

What that man lacks in personality,

he makes up for in reliability.

I think he's great.

Yeah, I know he's great.

But you don't owe anyone

anything in this life, Leese.

If you're questioning things,

if you're having doubts,

if that's what this is, then it's

okay. It doesn't make you a bad person.

No, honestly, I think I'm

just It's just lack of sleep.

I'll be fine in the morning.

All right. If you're sure.

- Yeah, I am. Thanks.

- For what?

- For listening.

- I'm your mum, aren't I?

Yeah.

And you do think I'm

funny ha ha, right, Mum?

Don't beat yourself up.

Me and your dad was never

funny, so it's not your fault.

What? Mum.

Great.

Now the birds are up. Gonna

have to find me earplugs now.

Look, try and get some sleep, all right?

- Okay. Night.

- Bye. Night night.

I'm well funny.

Shame.

I think we'd have been

brilliant together.

Yeah.

Bye, Danny.

Bye, Amy.

Maybe give me a call if you ever

Oh, God!

Get it out! Get it out!

Oh, God. Hang on.

Please.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Adam, quick! It's an emergency!

My bloody finger.

Yeah. Where is it?

Okay. I've got it. I've got it.

Adam, bring ice!

Don't panic. It's all right.

What are you doing?

Who needed ice?

Hiya. Hope you had a good

night. Just checking in.

Yeah. Knock knock.

Come on, Danny. Join in. Knock knock.

Who's there?

- Control freak.

- Control

Now you say, "Control freak who?"

Anyway, hope tonight

was fun. Speak soon.