01x02 - Up to No Good

[bunniefuu]

- Do you know what I did yesterday?

- I do not.

I walked out into the middle

of the field next to us

and I screamed.

Why?

I wanted to see if anyone heard.

- Did they?

- Well

- no-one came to my aid.

- Right.

Do they scream a lot down there?

We do. Well, it's how we say hello.

Oh.

Aaah!

Not bad, thanks, how are you?

Do you do a lot of

screaming in Scotland?

Of course.

That's how we summon the haggis.

Is that still happening

in contemporary Scotland?

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a rite of passage.

You go on a blasted heath

and you strip down to your

tartan undercrackers and you

- Ooh!

- It's a very open, very open thing.

A meaty timbre.

That's more

I'm hearing Tarzan with you.

That's more Tarzan.

You know, the haggis doesn't come

unless you get it right.

We train for this for years.

Listen, if the haggis doesn't come,

no-one's going to be happy.

No, exactly.

That's the Scottish tourism campaign

right there.

Nicola Sturgeon can often be seen

on the top of a hillock.

Making a haggis come.

Did it help?

- The screaming?

- A bit.

- I don't think I've ever tried it.

- Now's the time.

Mmm?

Can you hear that?

Whose phone is that?

It's not me.

Mine neither.

Could we start?

Did you both hear that too?

- Maybe we should start.

- Yeah.

Fine.

Well welcome to rehearsals.

I know that this is

an unusual first day.

I don't have any of the usual bits

and bobs. There's no creative team

to introduce you to, and I don't

have a model box to show you,

but you've got the scripts, yeah?

- Yep.

- And I've got one of these, so

Er

I thought maybe we could just read

the scene through, first scene,

and then ask some questions,

take it from there.

Yeah, fine by me.

I thought because we obviously

don't know each other very well,

maybe we could just start with

something to break the ice. So

Who stole the cookie

from the cookie jar? ♪

Michael stole the cookie

from the cookie jar. ♪

What the f*ck was that?

I'm sorry! It's a rehearsal exercise.

I'm nervous!

We're not at f*cking Sylvia Young's!

What are you doing?

I sing

- then Michael sings

- Just be normal, for f*ck's sake!

He's a pussycat, but you've got

to You can't roll that sh*t out.

It's definitely coming from one of you.

- It's not mine.

- It's not mine either.

Simon?

Simon! Phone. Jo.

Hi, Jo.

Hi! I'm Lucy. I'm Simon's sister.

- David. Hi.

- Michael.

Hi.

You live with Simon, then?

No, he actually lives with me.

This is my place.

Ah! Well. It's very lovely,

- what we've seen of it.

- Thank you.

I'm a big fan.

- Aww, that's very kind of you.

- Yeah, I saw The Pillowman.

Oh!

Well, thank you.

- That was a very long time ago now.

- It never left me.

You need to say something nice about

Michael now, or he gets jealous.

- That's actually true.

- Well, I saw your Hamlet.

Twice.

- Twice!

- Yeah. Er you seemed

so heartbreakingly conscious

of human potential.

Well, that's what I was going for.

You lying sh*t.

Er, David!

Lucy's not the first person

to notice my

heartbreaking consciousness

of human potential.

Really? Name one other human being

who used that exact collection

of words to describe you.

Tim Burton.

Er, I'd better get back to work, so

Is Simon ever coming back at all,

or is he?

Oh, we've earned a break.

- But it was lovely to meet you both.

- You too.

Yes. Lovely to chat

to a real theatre fan.

Oh, Lucy! Have you seen

much of Simon's work?

No.

Oh.

Fair enough.

- Lovely.

- Mmm.

Big fan of yours.

Yes, and your Pillowman

has never left her.

Like some sort of 18th-century STD.

Well, she had to come and see you twice.

Yeah, she couldn't believe it

the first time.

Couldn't believe it the first time!

"That can't be what's passing for

Hamlet these days," she thought.

"I'd better go back and check."

Not only did it not leave her,

she had to come back.

- Yeah.

- She didn't want to leave it.

What was it that Tim Burton said?

- Er, word for word, he said

- "Michael, I loved

"how heartbreaking your consciousness

- "of human potential was in that."

- Yeah. That's very good.

You've never actually

met Tim Burton, have you?

- No.

- No.

I mean, I worked with

him, but he wasn't there.

- When's Simon coming back?

- I think we're done for the day.

Pleasure working with you, Michael.

You too, David.

Never leave.

- I have three questions.

- Sure.

One. Why is this f*cking

actor's agent calling me

every f*cking hour of the f*cking day?

He left the f*cking project.

Yeah. So his film has been cancelled

so he wants to get back involved again.

- And he can't be.

- No.

Well, why?

- Michael.

- Can't they both be in it?

- No, there's just the two lead roles.

- What's the next biggest role?

Er, there's the mother

and, er, the stepdaughter.

Can you write a new character?

- No.

- Why not?

It's a 100-year-old masterpiece.

Two. How did he get my f*cking number?

- I don't know.

- Did you give it to him?

- Yes.

- Janine?

Yeah?

Come here.

Is that your assistant?

She's there with you?

Yeah.

At yours?

What benefit would she be at hers?

What do you need?

Cancel my phone and get me a new number.

Sorry, Janine!

Three. Can you handle this?

Yep.

What you doing?

Yoga.

- You got some good options?

- Mmm.

Loads. I've narrowed it down to five.

Oh, well done. You must be exhausted.

Yeah, that's why I'm having cake.

Where are the kids?

- Quiet.

- Are they OK?

- I don't know.

- Should they not be doing school?

They're finished for the day.

It's, like, half past ten

in the morning!

OK, I'm finished for the day.

How many f*cking rainbows

does a four-year-old need to make?

How are rehearsals?

Oh, we've just finished for the day.

You've only been in there for an hour.

Yeah, but it was a really intense hour.

- Well done. You must be exhausted.

- I am.

Simon got a phone call from Jo,

so we said we'd pick it up tomorrow.

- So you're done for the day?

- Yeah.

Yeah. I was really looking forward

to doing something. Maybe I'll cook.

- Could you look after the kids?

- I'll cook, maybe.

Mmm. Seriously.

I really need to finish

that final draft.

I'll cook as well.

OK.

Coconut water. One bagel.

Grapes.

Pitta bread.

Er, leftover lasagne. Two carrots.

Feta cheese.

And the remains of an Easter egg.

What sort of Easter egg?

Milky Bar.

Nah.

- What, nothing?

- Just warm up the lasagne.

She cooked the lasagne!

Well, garnish it with some

white chocolate shavings.

- I promised I would cook!

- You have nothing of culinary value.

I have two carrots!

Then cook the carrots!

- You're no help.

- What's this in aid of?

- Georgia's novel!

- Mmm!

- Yeah.

- Yes, of course.

I've been Look, I've been

looking after the kids, like,

all day, practically, so that she's

got time to edit the last chapter,

and I thought, "Wouldn't it be lovely

"if there was a lovely meal

prepared for her at the end of it?"

Oh, that's very nice.

Is that you on that mug?

No. Home schooling's

been slowing her down, so

Ah. Well, yes. I mean,

I'd jack it in if I were

Teach them a craft instead.

Get them up a chimney.

Mmm.

- Pickpocketing!

- Like in Oliver Twist?

Yeah. You could send them out

across London

and back they'd come,

their little withered arms

full of plunder.

"I bring home some

neckerchiefs and wristwatches!"

"I sold my legs, Father.

"Can I have a little morsel?"

- It's not a bad idea.

- Just planting seeds.

It is in stark contravention

of social distancing laws.

Oh, well, I assumed if you were OK

with your kids robbing total strangers,

you'd be fine with them

ignoring the 2m rule.

I think ethically it's a grey area,

I'd say.

- You'd be a good Fagin.

- Mmm.

You'd be a good Nancy.

Thank you.

No, I've never seen it before now,

but just looking at you,

if I met you now for the first time

and I didn't know you,

I'd think, "He's up to no good."

Heh! You know, I

I am, actually

up to no good.

Pray tell me more.

Ah, it's not that bad. Really. Er

Just during the lockdown,

Anna and I have been drinking

a little more than usual.

- I'm sure that's all right.

- It's not excessive.

No, no.

But when we emptied

the recycling this morning,

er, and got ready to put the bottles

in the wheelie bin

- Yeah.

- on the road, it did look a bit

- Excessive. Yes.

- Yes.

Which is why I'm nervous about

leaving the pile

on the side of the road,

outside the house.

People know it's me who lives here.

- Well, what are you going to do?

- I'm going to sneak out tonight

- and put them in my neighbour's bin.

- You can't do that.

Yes, I can!

- What if their bin's full?

- It won't be! She's 80.

She doesn't even recycle properly.

You are sneaking out

under cover of night

to leave your Bacchanalian embarrassment

in your octogenarian neighbour's bin?

- Bacchanalian embarrassment?

- That's right, yes.

Yes, I am.

Anna?

No, no, don't, no

- Anna!

- She knows! She knows!

Anna!

- All right.

- Hi!

- Hi.

- Hi!

Er, David doesn't agree

with our recycling plan.

You know about this plan?

- I do.

- And you're fine with it?

Would you rather we didn't recycle?

No

Did you know that

Georgia's writing a novel?

- Oh!

- She's finishing today.

Oh, what's it about?

Spanish queen and Columbus?

Something about Columbus?

Isabella de Castile?

Isabella de Castile.

Maybe, yeah.

- Wonderful!

- Mmm.

- I haven't got the patience to write.

- Of course you do.

- I'd like to try it.

- Oh, you should. Put me in it.

Nah. I'm very proud of Georgia.

- Have you told her that?

- Cooking her dinner

Mmm. Something with carrots.

- Ooh!

- Mmm.

- Oh, hang on. Sorry.

- Do you need to go?

Er, looks like it.

Oh, no, Georgia's there. Beat me to it.

Yeah. No, I mean

On the phone, I think.

She's on the phone.

Yeah, David was brilliant, actually.

He was so supportive.

- Yeah.

- Saying nice things about me.

Yeah, we can hear!

It's just that he's not been

the same since lockdown started.

He's listless, you know?

He can't focus or get anything done.

You know, yesterday,

he went out into the garden

and just screamed.

I'm sure it's nothing serious.

It's just not like him, you know,

and the kids have noticed a bit

I don't know how you switch this off.

- It's not good enough, Simon.

- I know.

You spent no small amount of effort

persuading us to do this,

then you disappear

for a day and a night.

I know. I've just been trying

to deal with a small problem.

- What problem?

- And I wanted to wait

and come back to you

when it was all resolved.

- And has it been resolved?

- Not yet.

- What is it?

- And if your face freezes

like a punched quiche again, I'm done.

Do not answer that door, Simon.

- It's not my door.

- It's not mine.

I am getting very tired of this.

Michael! Door!

I'll be right back.

David, I'm sorry. I will explain

everything to you and Michael

- as soon as he's back.

- Just need to focus a bit more.

The whole thing so

far's just been a bit

I know.

But the other actor,

it's him, from before.

He's been calling again and again.

He wants to get involved.

- I've got to go.

- What is it?

My neighbour's at the gate.

She brought my f*cking bottles back.

I've been thinking about

what Georgia was saying

and what you were saying about writing.

Oh! You You thinking

of dipping your toe

- in those murky waters?

- Maybe, yeah.

Mmm.

I don't think I want to use

my actual name, though.

A nom de plume!

- Oui-oui.

- Ohh! Très bien!

- Uh-huh, yeah.

- Any ideas?

Well, my birth name's McDonald.

McDonald.

MuckDonald.

"Written by David McDonald."

"A novel by David McDonald."

"A play? By David McDonald?!"

Yes! Yeah, what do you think?

I like it! Very much.

- Yeah.

- It's got history,

it's got, er, it's got nobility

I might rebrand completely.

Acting too!

- Well, maybe.

- Oof.

That's very bold.

Is it too bold?

Well now's the time.

"Starring

"David McDonald."

"Starring David McDonald."

Of course, you know what that means.

No