02x04 - Such Wily Girls

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language adult humour

and some scenes
of a sexual nature

I've got your scraps.

Uh-uh! What's the magic word?

-I love you.
-Good boy.

I always knew when you
left you'd come back to me.

Please let me sleep in the
house. This isn't fair.

-You can't keep me in here forever.
-It's not that simple, Nicky.

You see, we have the small
problem of everyone hating you.

Like, hates your guts.

They wish you were
dead more than Josie.

It's only a matter of time,
but we can't rush things.

-I'll let you know.
-Wait...

Josie. Thank God.
We have to rush.

I've run the calculations,
and you're ovulating.

-No, no.
-Yes, you are. I wouldn't be

a very thoughtful husband if
I didn't track your cycle.

I've checked the viscosity
of your discharge,

and you're definitely ovulating.

This is your fertile peak
for the next 24 hours.

-You're perfectly breed able.
-Well, what can I say?

Your data's wrong.

I'm on my period.

Argh!

Why is menstrual
maths so complicated?

This is exactly why the Guardian
thinks we need more women in STEM.

Leave!

Er, Dev.

Is there a problem?

I'm just not sure I
can work with this.

You noticed. I'm sorry.
It's nothing to do with you.

I totally fancy you.
It's not that at all.

I didn't think it was.

I'm usually your rock
down there, you know.

But I...

Can I... Can I be honest?

I guess I'm just
feeling a little off.

Oh, dear. Do you think it's
because you're not contributing

to the house?

Well, I brought Lisa, didn't I?

Hmm. I'm just not sure how a boat
factors into our everyday lives.

Don't be silly, Deb.

The lovely Lisa's a
beautiful old girl.

She's the last time I
truly felt like a man.

Captain of my own
ship, you know.

She's going to help
me find myself.

Are you sure you didn't
find yourself at work,

but you've just forgotten?

Where was the last
place you left yourself?

It's always the
last place you look.

Maybe you could retrace your steps
in your office at Drayton Hicks.

Honestly, not a day goes
by I don't think about it.

They even offered me that
promotion, team leader role,

head of communications.

They called yesterday and
offered me more money. But...

But what, darling?

I'm just not that man any more.

Brilliant news, girls.
Dev's going back to work.

-What?!
-Yep. Heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

Just needs a little push
to find his confidence.

Tomorrow morning, we're going
to get the old Dev back.

But we didn't even
like the old Dev.

Yeah, neither did I, but
the new one's a lot worse.

What?

Where the f*ck's the boat gone?

It was collected this morning
to be dropped at the docks

so it's ready for us.

You didn't say we were
going on the bloody boat.

So are you coming to help
get Dev's manhood back?

-Well, I'm going to f*cking have to now, aren't I?
-Oh.

You coming as
well? That's great!

Now we're just waiting
for Josie and Seb.

Wait for me! Wait for me.

I'm hoping the seasickness
might discombobulate him

out of trying to conceive.
He knows I'm ovulating.

He's so determined,
when he comes inside me,

he's started chanting,
"Get in there, my son."

You could just tell him you
don't want to have his baby,

you know, confront
him. Tell the truth.

Some people can't
handle the truth.

Yeah, you.

HORN BEEPS

- DEV: - Come on, g*ng!

Here she is.

Oh! I can't tell you
how wonderful it feels

to be back on top
of the lovely Lisa.

-You really need both of those?
-Can't be too careful.

I'm carrying precious cargo.

-Would the ladies like some help?
-Er, no, thanks.

These are heavy.
We'll wait for Deb.

What the bloody
hell are you doing?

Don't undermine that man.

I spent all morning
working on his confidence.

I don't see why it's our job
to do that. You broke him.

-I didn't break Dev.
-You did.

Think about it. He was a
successful, upstanding man,

and then he met us three
horsewomen of the apocalypse,

and we've torn his life
apart limb from limb.

You've castrated him,
chopped his ba*ls off,

parading them around in front of him
like a pair of tarnished earrings

-from TK Maxx.
-He's a shell of a man,

and you've shucked out all
of his insides with a knife

and a little bit of lemon.

And today we're reminding that
shell that he's an upstanding man

who brings an income into the
house, and he's a team captain.

If he can be captain here,

he can be captain of
communications at Drayton Hicks.

Coo-ee! Captain Dev!

She's f*cking desperate.

It's dead.

-Oh!
-My handsome captain. Suits you.

King of all you survey.

Captain of the Seven Seas.

We could do this every weekend
if you went back to work.

Ready to set sail,
my first mate?

Anchors aweigh.

BOTH MOAN

ENGINE STRUGGLES

ENGINE STRUGGLES

That's weird. First time that's
happened to me, actually.

Never mind. Lisa always
did like a warm-up first.

Have you tried
putting the keys...?

-Have you tried putting the keys in and turning the engine on?
-Yeah.

I'm out of ideas.

Oh, no. Just when I was starting
to feel like myself again.

Maybe we should all go home.

I'm afraid I may not
be captain after all.

No, no, no. It's all right.

We can stay on the boat
and enjoy it from the dock.

It's the best view, anyway, to
watch Captain Dev in action!

Hold this thing.
I need to focus.

I'll take this, then.

Captain Billie.

Look at all this.

The beauty.

The view's not bad either.

I've always wanted to
conceive our son at sea,

since I found out
that was an option.

-You feeling seasick yet?
-No. Taken all my pills.

In fact...

...the rocking
motion of the boat

could help stimulate forward
momentum to ensure fertilisation.

Imagine my little sperm
and your little egg.

Don't know about you, but I think
it's about time those two meet.

-Seb, can you give me a hand, please?
-Goodbye, my son.

Until we meet again.

Sorry. It's, er, hormones.

-Face it, Mum, he's a goner.
-Agreed.

Sack off this whole boat thing
and just send him to counselling.

Lower your f*cking voice!

Under no circumstances will
Dev be going to therapy.

We don't need a frigid
b*tch with a lanyard

telling Dev that he's enough.

The fact is he's not, unless
he goes back to his job.

I'll just have to retrieve his
manhood the old-fashioned way.

-How?
-My feminine wiles.

-Your what?
-You know, my wiles.

They've never let
me down before.

My wiles get us food to eat
and keep the bailiffs sweet.

ENGINE STRUGGLES

Lisa's never let me
down like this before.

Oh, bother, what a
useless b*tch she is.

Well, we don't need to be moving

for me to imagine you
as captain of the ship.

Come away from the wheel, Dev.

She just won't f*cking start.

She won't f*cking start!

You're not really talking
about the boat, are you, mate?

If he's playing hard
to get, it's working.

The man is impenetrable.

Do you think it might be
because you let yourself go?

I haven't let myself go.

Well, when was the last
time you wore mascara?

Er, she's released herself from
the shackles of the patriarchy.

I'm proud of you,
Mum. I really am.

Oh, my God, Billie,
I've let myself go.

You've forgotten who you are
- a glorious, sexy woman.

But she's trapped inside
a haggard old wench.

Fish into your purse and get some
lippy out, for God's sake, woman.

And while you're
rooting around in there,

see if you can find Dev's ba*ls.

I am nothing without
my feminine wiles.

Oh, Mum!

I'm so glad I'm young.

Where do you think you're going?

Captain's quarters to see if
there's a problem with the engine.

-Right, well, you can't do that.
-Why not?

Captain's orders. You
can't go down there.

Well, I'll only be a minute.

Right, you two, off
the boat. It's cursed.

The whole trip is cursed.

I think we should all leave
before things get any worse.

Billie, please!

There are some serious things
us men need to discuss.

I can't get the engine going,
no matter how hard I try,

-if you catch my drift.
-Yeah.

OK. I understand.

The engine is your c*ck.

-Yeah.
-I can't relate, though. I've never had that problem.

It's like my d*ck is a compass
and Josie's true north.

-Right.
-Look at us, two men talking.

Isn't it great when two men
speak? Real things happen.

Imagine if all men talked about
their feelings. We'd be unstoppable.

-I'm so glad we had this talk.
-No, no, no, wait!

What am I going to do?

I'm supposed to be Deb's
protector, to satisfy her.

Am I even a man any more?

The most important thing is to
never let any of the girls find out

we had this conversation.

They look to us as leaders.
They mustn't see weakness.

So what should I do?

Well, Dev, you simply have
to get that boat started,

or she's going to find someone
else who CAN start the boat.

You're right. No-one can know.

HE EXCLAIMS

Don't worry. I won't tell
anyone your d*ck's broken.

A stowaway. Billie,
explain yourself.

I always knew
there'd be a mutiny.

I just didn't expect it to be
before we'd even left the dock.

He just needs somewhere
to lie low for a bit.

He's realised he loves me
and wants to be with me.

It's as simple as that.

I'm telling you, he's
changed, haven't you, Nicky?

Mm?

-Yes, absolutely.
-I can't believe this!

He ditched you immediately
after you had your ab*rtion.

He put you in debt and he
ran away to Manchester.

Look at him! He's ripped!

Sorry, I know that's not the
point, but it needs to be said.

I'm telling you, he's changed.

Tell him about your plans for
our future together, baby.

Oh... yeah. Big plans.

Just give him a chance.
People can change. Trust me.

Why should we? We've already
got enough testosterone

between me and Dev,
thank you very much.

Don't need anyone dragging
down the group average.

You think I'm not manly enough?

I'm never going to
like you, Nicky.

There's two men on this boat,

and if me and Dev were going to
bring a third into our relationship,

certainly wouldn't
be asking you.

Seb's right. Dev is man
enough for everyone.

That's better. What do you
think, Dev, as captain?

Do we give Nicky a second chance?
Well, the decision is a tricky one.

It's not hard, is it?

Is it really, Dev?

Now, let's be
diplomatic about this.

Nicky can have the day
to prove he's changed.

And if by the end of the day he
hasn't, he can walk the plank.

By which I mean he
can take the bus

because we're not
giving him a lift home.

He can't go in the bunk, though.

Me and Josie will be
getting busy in there.

Josie's ovulating.
Trying for a baby.

NICKY GIGGLES

-Seriously?
-I know, it is preposterous, isn't it?

-Why?
-Well, if you're old enough to have a kid,

that would make
me a grandmother.

And that's nonsense,
right? Preposterous.

I don't see the issue, Deb.

I'm not old enough to be
a grandmother, obviously.

Totally preposterous.
I'm barely a mother.

Absolutely. In fact, I wouldn't
call you a mother at all.

Thank you, darling.

DUCKS QUACK

If you want to stay, you just
need to do what you do best

to get in their good books.
Play to what they want to hear.

-What do I say?
-Tell Mum she looks young.

You might need to speak up,
though, because she's senile.

And tell Josie she's
the most traumatised,

misunderstood girl in the world.

Don't give her too much
eye contact, though,

because she's not used
to it and she'll panic.

-It's a lot to remember.
-Flirt with them.

Fill their shallow heads
with barefaced lies.

Not like when you're telling me
the truth about my singing career

and your best mate's
a record producer

and together you're
going to make me a star.

All right. I'll do my best.
It's not going to be easy.

-Thank you.
-What about the boys?

Surely they're not
going to fall for that.

You really think I'd
be an amazing dad?

The best! You know how with
some people you can just tell?

I totally get that with
you. You're glowing.

Wow.

It's just so much pressure.

You were born to be a
dad. This is your time.

You just need to
assert your confidence.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I just need to go
up to Josie and say,

"Baby, let's get in that
bunk and make me a daddy."

Yes! If I was half the man either
of you two are, I'd be lucky.

Captain Nicky. Has a ring to it.

-You all right there, Dev?
-I can see what you're up to,

-and I'm not falling for it.
-Mm.

You want some help there, mate?

Or shall we have a chat with Deb

about how you can't
get the engine started?

No, thank you. I can do it.

-How did it go?
-It's like I'm their god.

You're a genius.

I'm telling you, he's changed.

We faced reality.
Billie Bar is over.

-Thank God.
-It's now Billie's Bar,

cabaret bar but with me
covering Disney classics.

I'm going to do that thing where
I sing and lean back on the piano.

-But you can't sing.
-Yeah, I thought that too,

until Nicky told me I
sound like Amy Winehouse.

-He's amazing.
-Just be careful,

or one day you might end up married
to a man so hell bent on conceiving

a son, even his crippling
motion sickness won't stop him.

Baby, let's get in that
bunk and make me a daddy!

In a second, darling.

I don't want him to be a dad almost
as much as I don't want to be a mum.

Maybe you just need to go in
there and be really confident.

Men talk a big game, but really,
they're scared little babies.

He'll panic.

But how do I appear
more sexually confident?

-Use your wiles.
-I don't have any wiles.

Yes, you do. Show some skin.
Come on, let's get this off.

OK. Maybe a bit more
skin. Let's do this one.

f*cking hell. Do you
need four vests on?

-It's cold.
-Go in there and you scare that boy soft.

Captain's orders. In fact, you
should take this for confidence.

Josie, you're down to
your fifth undershirt.

Hello, sailor. Are
you going to f*ck me?

-Give it a go, yeah.
-What position are you going to do?

All of them.

-What's that? -It's tongue.
-It feels weird.

Yeah, I know, but I think we're
just supposed to go with it.

Choke me.

-My hands are too slippery.
-What's the matter? Can't get hard?

-I'm trying, OK?
-Are you going to f*ck me or not, sailor?

No! OK? I'm scared. What
happened to the Josie I know?

The one who has sex
with the lights off

and keeps her pants on one leg
so she can put them back on again

the second I pull out, my
self-conscious little sex kitten?

-I miss her.
-So you're not going to f*ck me?

But what about our son?

I'm not having my son
come out of this, Josie.

Not like this.

It worked! Yes! You were right.

-My wiles are too powerful.
-Yes!

I mean, it's a bit
sad, don't you think?

What?

The one person who wants to f*ck you
doesn't want to f*ck you any more.

Oh.

-Oh, no.
-Captain Josie,

the Unfuckable Queen
of the Seven Seas.

Maybe Lisa is cursed. That's
not the woman I married.

-That's a monster.
-It's just an off day. You're doing fine.

-That's not true.
-Look, mate, it's just an off day. You're doing fine.

All right. Yeah. You're right.

He's so kind and wise,

and I wish I could turn back
time and have him as my best man.

I'm going to ask
him to be godfather.

I thought you were going
to ask me to be godfather.

Dev, what if the baby needs
to learn how to start a boat?

He needs a godfather
who can be a man.

Someone he can look up to.

Nicky's not the massive legend
you think he is, you know.

I'm sorry. Just
looking out for my son.

Accept it, mate.

Lisa's dead.

Am I really unfuckable?

I just came in to say that...
you're really complicated,

and it must be really
hard being you.

-Really? Do you mean it?
-Yep.

Do you think anyone would
miss me if I k*lled myself?

Yeah, I'm sure they would.

But don't, because you're
really special and that.

Can you say that again?

You're really special and
you've got loads of trauma.

-What the f*ck are you doing?
-OK, I'm really sorry.

You just come in here and you
start talking dirty to me.

I was powerless.

It wasn't me. It was
the hat, I swear.

Please don't tell
anyone about this.

-What, that you kissed me?
-Mm-hm. -I won't tell a f*cking soul.

Well? Do you approve?

-Er...
-So you really like him, then? You really like him?

-Billie, I...
-He's changed, he really has.

He wants everything
between us to be 50/50.

That's why I'm funding Billie's
Bar and he's running it.

-It just makes financial sense.
-You've done what?

Yeah, I'm a guarantor.
Pretty fancy.

And between me and you, I did take
out a massive loan to make it work,

but you've got to spend money
to make money in this business,

like I said.

-Yeah, I just...
-Do you want to hear one of the songs I'm going to sing

-at Billie's Bar?
-Er...

♪ I can show you the world

♪ Shining, shimmering

♪ Splendid

♪ Tell me, princess,
now when...? ♪

Hello, sailor. Do you want to
go downstairs for a quickie?

Er, not right now, Deb. I
just need to sort something.

-Be honest - am I still f*ck?
-I'm so sorry.

I just need to speak
to Seb for a second.

I haven't stripped you
of your manhood, have I?

-I have to go.
-Talk to me, Dev. Communicate.

You can fix Lisa.
You're a man, I promise.

Just tell me you
want to f*ck me.

Face it, Deb, Lisa's
dead. I give up.

I'm no captain.

Oh, sh*t. The breaker's off.

Without that, the
engine won't start.

-So you can start the engine?
-Of course I can.

-Have I really let myself go?
-No. -Really?

Yeah. You look well young.
Actually, when I first met you,

I thought you were
the youngest sister.

I just feel like men
don't notice me any more.

-Well, I notice you.
-Do you? -Yeah.

I can't believe you'd
be a grandmother.

You'd be a freak of
science if that happened.

You'd be in the Guinness
Book of World Records.

Do you think I'm f*ck?

Er...

♪ A thrilling chase

♪ A wondrous place

♪ For you and me... ♪

That's absolutely fantastic,
but I really just...

♪ Unbelievable sights

♪ Indescribable feelings

♪ Soaring, tumbling... ♪

Don't you dare tell a
f*cking soul about this.

Of course I wouldn't. Wouldn't
want the house to be uncomfortable

while I'm living in
it, now, would I?

Nicky! How did it go?

Did you two get to
know each other?

-Well, Mum, do you approve?
-Er... -Say Nicky can stay.

All right. He can stay.

You're the best
mum in the world.

You know what? I
feel like singing.

♪ I... ♪

-You b*stard!
-What happened?

Adultery.

-Er, well, I wouldn't go as far...
-He kissed my wife.

-What? -All right, mate, calm down.
-I will not calm down, good sir.

-Seb, please.
-Not right now, darling. I'm defending your honour.

This is for my son.

Ah!

-Don't make me do this, mate.
-I want you to.

NICKY SIGHS

SEB GROANS

Ouch!

OK.

All right. Well, I can
tell when I've been bested.

-She's yours.
-Mate, she kissed me.

DEB: - Er, I've got to be
completely honest here.

Josie, that is absolutely
shameful behaviour.

-A mutiny if ever I saw one.
-It wasn't me.

-It was the hat. I swear.
-It is true. The hat is cursed.

Right. I see the problem here.

Josie, apologise
to your husband.

-Sorry, Seb.
-It's all right. I know what it is.

She's ovulating. She can't help
it. Merciless to her own body.

She's like a dog on
heat. She's feral.

He's right. I'm on
heat. It's my hormones.

-Sorry, Billie.
-Don't apologise to me. Apologise to him.

My whole body went cold.

Like death passed through my lips.
Like she was sucking out my soul.

I was scared,
mate. I was scared.

Sorry, Nicky.

There you go. Apology accepted.

And while we're
telling the truth...

...I struggled to get an
erection this morning.

There, I've said it.

There's nothing more manly

than a man admitting he
can't get an erection.

-Nicky, apologise to Seb.
-Sorry, Seb.

Well, well, well, Nicky.
Did you see who she picked?

Yes, sirree, she chose
me. She... She's mine.

I didn't want her.

Look at him. Absolutely gutted.

Guess the best man won,
eh? Put it there, brother.

And there we have it.

You know, we have
a saying at work.

"Communication is key,"

and communication really is...

-...key.
-That is a brilliant saying, Dev,

and I'm sure there's many more
to learn at Drayton Hicks.

I'm sure there is too, Deb.

One last try.

ENGINE STARTS

-Lisa's not dead after all.
-Fantastic!

Captain Dev.

No, Deb. I'm no captain.

I'm a man.

You can both be godfather.
He can have two godfathers.

The manliest baby in the world.
Imagine that. Two godfathers.

Now that's a sequel
I'd like to see.

So how are you going to
get out of sex with Seb?

I'm going to use
my feminine wiles.

-Do you want to touch my d*ck?
-No, thank you.

The old Josie. I've missed you.

Tell me again how
turned on you are.

-I'm not turned on.
-Turns me on so much.

-Look at me. -I don't want to.
-Take off your pants.

I'd rather keep them on.

I'm going to... I'm going to...

Get in there, my son!

It happened. Sorry.

Have to try again tomorrow.

Gutted.

MOANING

Oh! I got the boat going!

Lisa's not dead after all.

Absolutely you did.

Oh, you're the
manliest man of all.

Dare I say it? You've
got your mojo back.

You know, you're right.

And I think I've realised
what my calling is.

You're going to take the
head of communications job?

I've got something much better
than head of communications.

Head of Drayton Hicks?

No. I'm going to
become a counsellor.

A men's mental
health counsellor.

Communication is key for men.

Of course, it'll be
much, much lower money.

Terrible pay. Terrible.

But it's not about the money,
is it? You're right, Deb.

I finally feel
like myself again.

Hello?

Deb?

Out cold.

HE CHUCKLES

I always slept better
when I'm on Lisa too.

Goodnight, Lisa.

-I'm Deb.
-I know.