02x06 - Such Desperate Girls

[bunniefuu]

Keep your eyes shut
for the surprise.

Wait, I've guessed
it. The boat has gone.

Even better. Open your eyes.

Here it is - Billie's Bar.

It's on the boat forever.

Yep. The boat's here to stay.

-You're opening a bar on my driveway?
-Yeah, it's a pop-up.

It saves on a liquor license.
There's different rules at sea.

Totally. Meant we could
put more money on...

Wait, what did my loan
actually go on, Nicky?

Drink, milady?

-Where will the people go?
-I was thinking they could

just sort of stand there,
so I can sing for them.

-I thought Dev was taking the boat.
-Well, he hasn't taken it yet.

-I don't want a bar in my driveway.
-I think you do.

Oh, come on, Mum, live a little.

So much for the grand opening.

To new beginnings, and
being together forever.

Apart from Deb and Dev.

SIREN WAILS

How do you turn this up, Nicky?

Nicky?

Look, if this is
about HMRC, I'm sorry,

but the maths is just too hard.

-We're here for the arrest of Nicholas Taylor.
-Who?

- WHISPERS: - Nicky.

Oh.

Oh!

Is this about all
the coke and loans?

Um, got something to tell you.

You'll probably
want to sit down.

-Um, me and Claire...
-Oh, Seb, what do you want now?

I'm already having your son.

You're right. Of
course. I'm sorry.

The last thing you
need is more stress.

-I'll see you this afternoon.
-What's this afternoon?

I've booked a scan.
I did tell you.

For our son, just to
check he's healthy.

Well, it's definitely in there,
if that's what you're wondering.

I know we're keeping it a secret
but I can't wait to meet him.

Eeee!

Yay!

SHE WHIMPERS

-f*ck was that about?
-I've told him I'm pregnant.

-What?
-I don't know, I panicked.

He was talking about
leaving and I just said it.

Now I've got to go for a f*cking
scan. What am I going to do

-when there's no f*cking baby?
-Maybe he won't notice,

-they are really small.
-Aren't you going to just, you know,

-tell me to break up with him?
-I've given up. You never will.

Unless someone literally
hands you a reason to end it,

you're with him for life.
You didn't confront Dad

and you won't confront Seb.
That's your DNA. Accept it.

Now, back to me. Do
I look incredible?

-Er, yeah. Why are you so dressed up?
-They found Nicky.

I've got to go in for questioning
later, and I need to remind him

how fit I am so he'll get
street cred with his inmates.

You never suspected
he might get arrested?

Er, bit of sympathy, please.

-I'm about to be a prison wife.
-Oh, God.

-I'm sorry. -Don't be. It's brilliant.
-So you're not worried, then?

No. I mean, it has its perks.

I know exactly where he is
and there's no women allowed.

Last time I let him
out of my sight,

he got confused and
ended up impregnating

a hideous blonde girl
with horrible eyebrows.

I can't have that
happening again.

Well, Billie, you've chosen a
man exactly like your father.

Any excuse to leave
you in the lurch.

-He was arrested.
-Any excuse. Just like your father.

Yeah, well, at least Nicky
didn't take Daddy the cat.

Daddy was such a beautiful boy.

I miss hearing his little bell
as he comes through the cat flap.

And I miss Mum shoving
me through the cat flap

-when she forgot her keys.
-How does he sleep at night?

He's left me and the
boat and all the boxes.

All I wanted was a
nice man and a nice car

in a nice street where all
the houses look the same.

Is that too much to ask?

Yes, Mum. Yes, it is.

You've got a lovely
house already.

It's not going
anywhere. We'll be fine.

DOORBELL

OK. Since you've not been
replying to your letters

and the court has issued
a warrant of possession

and then a notice of eviction, your
house is now being repossessed.

I've never had any letters.

How strange.

Can I interest you
in a boat? Or a car?

-Are they yours?
-The boat is Dev's and the car is mine.

-But not legally.
-OK. If they're not yours, I can't take them.

You are very attractive.
Did you know that?

Not the feminine wiles.

Please put your wiles away.

I don't want to file
another harassment report.

-I'll be back by the end of the day.
-Is there anything I can do?

Not unless you've got the money
you owe in mortgage repayments.

Uh-oh. Have I been
a naughty girl?

Please, miss, I've got a family.

Before you ask, I'm
not saying anything

until I've spoken to a lawyer. I
have the right to remain silent.

A report came in yesterday from

a young woman accusing
Nicholas of financial coercion.

Well, this Bianca sounds
like a sneaky, lying b*tch.

And ugly.

We never mentioned a Bianca.

We've had reports he's put
a number of people into debt

with scam operations. Do you
know anything about that?

Er, yeah. That's just his
personality. He's a bad boy.

He's also extremely fit.

Are you aware he's
been a missing person?

He's been lying low with me

while we get started on
running my cabaret bar.

He says I'm an incredible singer. I
just need to fund the record deal.

Have you heard of
financial coercion?

Have you heard of true love?

Sometimes, when a partner starts
using psychological methods

to get their partner to
question their own sanity,

it can be known as gaslighting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll level with you, I know
I've been getting coerced.

I know I've been gas lit.

But have you ever had
someone love you so much

they'd literally
bend reality for you?

He's creating worlds for me.

-This a microphone?
-Yeah.

♪ A whole new world

♪ A new, fantastic
point of view... ♪

God, the acoustics in
here are incredible.

Look, all I'm saying is that
he's a bit of a cheeky chappy,

yeah, but he's not a bad guy.

Just give him an ankle tag
and send him back to me,

I'll keep an eye on him.

I know how overcrowded
your prisons are.

-We're going to have to ask you to write a statement.
-No, thank you.

You have to.

Well, that's
coercion. Am I right?

Oh! Someone's jealous.

DOORBELL

f*cking hell, you vultures
are obsessed with me.

What do you want to take now?

You've already taken the
f*cking house. Just f*ck off.

Hello, Deb.

Are you here for the boxes?

No, I'll come back
for those later today.

I'm just here to grab the
essentials for my house.

Right, that's everything.

-Your house?
-Yeah. Never sold.

Sometimes you have to take a step
back to take a step forwards.

It's almost like I'm back
to exactly who I was before.

Right back to my old self again.

Right. I'll be off. Got
to be at work in a minute.

-Work?
-You were right, Deb. I've realised who I am.

I'm now divisions team leader of
communications at Drayton Hicks.

I took the promotion.

We have a saying at work
- communication is key.

And I'm not going to
say any more than that.

You know, we were supposed
to get married today.

I don't know if I ever
cancelled the booking.

-I'd still like to. -What?
-I'd still like to marry you.

I've changed my mind, Dev. I love
you and I want to be with you.

-Please don't go.
-Sorry, darling.

I don't deserve to be
with a woman like you.

-Yes, you do.
-Oh, Deb, I love you,

-but you deserve better than me.
-No, I don't. Marry me.

I need to think about this.

I should be at work.

Is that yours?

It's a company car.

A bit flashy for my taste
but it gets me from A to B.

Goodbye, Deb.

-I'm sorry I let you down.
-Dev.

Dev, wait!

Dev!

Oh, baby, what have
they done to you?

They're saying I could
be done for life.

Oh, my God. Really?

Billie, listen...

...I need to send you
on a special mission.

They might let me out of here

but I'm going to need a
really expensive lawyer.

And you need to
get me the money.

Please, you're my whole world.

-A Wonga loan should sort it.
-I didn't pass my credit check

and I can't take out another
loan in Josie's name.

We have love, isn't that enough?

If you loved me, you'd do it.

How much do you need?

Can I have a raise?

I need £20,000, now.

No.

Right. Well, I'm
taking an early lunch.

Claire?

I f*cked it. I'm f*cking stuck.

I'm going to have to
have my husband's baby

and I've got no excuse
to leave him. None.

Right. Yeah.

-As your best friend, I need to tell you something.
-Claire!

Stop blathering on
and listen to me.

I'm stuck with Seb and I'm going
to have to have his f*cking baby.

Josie, please. I have
to tell you something.

What is it?

Me and Seb kissed.

Are you joking?

I'm so sorry.

We got caught up. All those
late nights at book club.

I know - I'm a complete slag.

Such a sl*t.

I can't believe it,
I'm a common wh*re.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um...

You really are the best
friend I've ever had.

Well...

...you're welcome.

I quit. I don't even like books.

I think they're for losers.

We've got phones now,
ever heard of them?

I didn't think you could get
hard this late in the day.

-It's 9am somewhere.
-God, I was good, wasn't I?

Priceless. Tell me that wasn't

a five-figure f*ck transferred
into my account ASAP.

I'm so glad you called. I
couldn't stop thinking about you.

That's nice.

Can I have my money now?

I've left her.

-You've done what?
-I've left my wife.

-Why have you done that?
-Because I love you.

Oh, this is awkward.

I think I was just
here for the money.

Billie, I don't have any.
It was my wife's money.

I've left all that
behind for you.

Right.

But are you still
going to pay me?

It's not about money
with us. Never has been.

This is all I have left.

And you're still sat
here because you love me

and I love you.

How much do you
love me? Prove it.

I'll give it all to you right now.
That's how much I know you'll stay.

Go on, then.

Really?

If you love me, you'll do it.

f*cking nonce.

Filing cabinets. Staples.

Be careful, they know
how many are in there.

-Did work here for 29 years.
-It's kind of like you never left.

Back to the old
Dev. Your old life.

Not your old wife, though.

Because that one is dead.

Oh, God. Love ain't easy.

Do you think Josie will
stay with me until she dies?

You two are soulmates.
Don't give up.

You can't fail Josie
the way I failed Deb.

I'll probably never
see her again.

-Hello, darling.
-Oh!

I've done it. I've got £175.

I'd like the best
lawyer in Britain.

-Please don't put Nicky down for life.
-What?

Please release him. He's
not done anything wrong.

We have released him. It was
only for questioning. He's gone.

-You didn't even tag him? -No.
-What was the point in f*cking

reporting him if you're
just going to let him go?

Sorry. You were the
one who reported him?

Yes, but now I don't
know why I bothered.

Not to be a b*tch, but
I'd know where he was

if you'd given him a bloody tag.

There's Daddy. I can't
wait to have our baby.

Oh, you're going to be
such an amazing dad.

You'd never do anything
to hurt me. I love you.

I promise I won't let you down.

Um, I don't quite know how
to say this, but there's...

Stop. I know what
you're going to say.

We lost it.

What?

I knew something was
really, really wrong.

Mother's intuition. My body's
been under so much stress.

Is there anything that
could have happened, Seb?

Anything at all that might
have stressed me out?

-Anything?
-OK.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry,
Josie, this is my fault.

Don't be silly, my love.

You wouldn't do anything
to harm our baby.

This is what we want.

You wouldn't throw all
that away, would you?

You wouldn't throw away our
son. You're his number-one dad.

I kissed Claire.

DRAMATIC GASP

-I did this. I'm sorry.
-Well, you've shocked me there.

It was late night, at book club.
We were the last two there.

It was a rousing discussion
about Sense And Sensibility

and our imaginations
led us astray.

I'm sorry. I can
never forgive myself.

-I don't deserve you.
-Well, I guess you don't.

-Look at what you've done.
-Sorry, to be very clear,

I don't think there
ever was a viable...

I have been so
loyal to this man.

I thought our vows were sacred.

You've made a mockery
of this marriage.

How f*cking shameful.

I thought we were soulmates.

SHE LAUGHS

I just wanted to see you
in your natural habitat.

Well, Deb, this is
a lovely surprise,

but it's my first day back and
I've got a lot of work to do.

Show me where you
answer the phone.

Well, I sort of sit here
and I answer it like this.

Hello? Drayton Hicks, team leader
of communications speaking.

-Oh!
-Do you want to... Do you want to see where I send emails?

I could show you how
to do a mail merge.

DEB QUIVERS

And where do you
keep your payslips?

-Oh, that's my wallet.
-I know.

Oh! Aah!

GASPING AND GRUNTING

Wow. So Dad lives here?

I followed him home
from the high street.

-He was having lunch.
-What was he having?

-Does it matter?
-I don't know, I just wonder what he likes to eat.

Did you say anything?

No, I was too scared.

Poor guy.

He's probably desperate
to ask where I am.

-What did he look like?
-He looked good.

Bless him. Putting on
a brave face for me.

-sh*t. This house is annoyingly nice.
-Agreed.

-Let's go home.
-Come on.

This is the confrontation
you've always f*cking wanted.

And a chance for him to
tell me how much he loves me

and leaving me was the
biggest mistake of his life.

DOORBELL

Billie!

-I don't think he's inside.
-All right, come on, then.

A garden, eh? Well, no flowers.

Must be miserable.

His life is so sad.

If he's not in, I just want
to see what his house is like.

-Oh, well, we tried. Let's go home.
-Come on, Josie,

don't you want to see what
a miserable life he has?

This is our final revenge.

Yeah. OK, yeah. Let's do it.

Now, how do we get in?

The cat flap!

Finally, a chance to use
my big, long spider limbs.

-You wish you could fit through there.
-Just watch me.

Yeah, OK,

this is the house of a sad man.

Who paints their
walls sunshine yellow

unless they're hiding something?

I was expecting there
to be pictures of me.

-You mean of us?
-Yeah, right.

This is so weird.

-Dad likes bran flakes.
-I knew he was a psychopath.

-A fruit bowl.
-What a sick pervert.

SHE GASPS

Daddy!

-Wow. I almost didn't recognise him.
-Oh, he's beautiful.

All this time I thought he
was dead but Daddy's not dead.

Daddy's alive!

Do you think Dad's life
might be really, really nice?

It's all fake, it's not real.

You only try this hard when
you're hiding a desperate life

full of regret and misery.

I've seen enough.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I wish you'd told me how much
all of this turns you on.

My sexy office man.

He's a real hunter-gatherer,
looking after his woman.

Speaking of, I really
should be getting on.

Well, try and clock off early.

We're getting married later.

-Really?
-Yes, Dev. Really.

OK, then.

My sexy office man.

Yeah, nice. Really sinister.

You're a true artist.

DOOR OPENS

- INDISTINCT VOICES - sh*t!

Go, go!

Can't wait to see his
smug f*cking face.

-That's not Dad.
-You said you followed him home.

It's not my fault all these posh
houses look the f*cking same.

We've just vandalised a
lovely young family's house.

Are we going to be in trouble?

Yeah.

Oh, well. At least we
found Daddy the cat.

Just as beautiful as
the day Dad took him.

Um, Billie, that's not...

Yeah.

Yeah, we did.

f*cking hell. This is
triggering my PTSD.

I know. It's brilliant.

They let us have the
venue on discount

if we used the same decorations.

I'm so glad Daddy's
here for this one.

Well, I think I know your
answer to shag, marry, k*ll.

Marry Deb. Right?

Keep an eye on this one, eh?

Because, you know...
the last one.

Thanks for being my best man.

Second-best man, to you.

How lucky are you that
Deb wants to get married

-the minute you get your job back?
-Yeah.

Eh?

What a relief.

Here he is, the man of
the hour. My working man.

Deb, can we just have a chat?

So exciting. Logistics-wise,
I was thinking,

if you're hiring a van to
pick up your stuff later,

maybe it could take the
rest of our things too.

Why would it do that?

Well, I should think we'd
come and live with you

in your massive house
after we're married.

-It just feels right.
-Yeah. Right.

Right, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Repeat after me. I, Deb,

take Dev to be my
wedded husband,

to have and to hold
from this day forward,

for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,
till death do us part.

I, Deb, take Dev to
be my wedded husband,

to have and to hold
from this day forward,

for better, for
worse, for richer...

-For poorer. -That won't be necessary.
-OK, hold on.

Sorry, sorry. Deb, please,
can we have a second?

I have to ask, tell
me the truth...

...do you just like
me for my money?

No, of course not. I love you.

But what do you love about me?

What do you mean?

Well, tell me something
you love about me.

Well, there was that
time you paid for petrol.

Well, no, actually, you asked
me to transfer you for that.

Girls, what are we
always saying about Dev?

So, so many things.

How can I choose just one?

-He was the best best man...
-Not from you, Seb.

You can't think of
anything, can you?

Sorry, darling, I am trying.

Right.

I think that's all
I needed to hear.

I'm not just a walking
chequebook, Deb, I'm a man.

And I'll be expecting
half for the room hire.

I'm going with him.

It's over, Josie.

The doctor said there was
never even a baby inside you.

I'm beginning to doubt whether
I'm even the love of your life.

I've done so much for you.

Like what?

Trust me, I've done loads.

So much, I can't... I can't
think of any right now.

But I'm done chasing
you. It's over.

Don't follow me.

Seriously, I mean it.

You'd better not chase me.

Would you excuse
us for a second?

b*stard!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SOBS

Wow.

I forgot just how
massive your house is.

So much space.

I know.

Like I said, too
much for one man.

Can't help but think it would
have been a lot more convenient

if we'd all moved in
here to begin with.

Yes, that did cross my mind, but
Deb never showed any interest.

Women.

It's funny. We spend all
this time worrying about them

but what about us?

-What about men?
-You're right, Dev.

It's time people listened to
what we have to say for once.

I never know when the right time
is to ask this sort of thing,

but do you think we
should start a podcast?

He took the boat.
He took the boxes.

And he didn't even fix the void.

That void's going
to be there forever.

Do you think maybe
the void is inside us?

Shut the f*ck up, Josie. Literally,
just for once in your life,

shut your f*cking
mouth! Shut the f*ck up!

No-one cares what you
have to say. DEB LAUGHS

Thanks, Billie. That's
cheered me right up.

I really thought he was going
to marry me. I really did.

Mum, and I say
this with kindness,

he's a prick who never
pays for anything.

Good thing I took this, then.

That's my girl.

Right, looks like
dinner's on Dev.

We're going out the
back door, girls.

Where are we going
for dinner, then?

I'm in the mood for
something expensive.

We don't need men.

We're better off without them.

You know you're
still married, yeah?

Oh, f*ck's sake!