[kissing sounds]
Cheeky line?
Oh, um, well I don't know if
we should, it's a Sunday night.
Oh f*ck it! Let's go wild.
I'll get us a cup of tea.
[sniffs]
There we are.
Rooibos okay?
Probably shouldn't have
caffeine this late at night.
Wow!
Okay.
In for a penny.
[snorts]
♪ I'm like a candle burning
End to end ♪
[pounding]
[both moaning]
-[Dallas] Your lips are
amazing. -[Lauren] Oh thank
you.
[Dallas] I was just thinking
before, you are so familiar.
Familiar? Thank you.
I think we should
dig deeper.
How? I'm pretty sure this
is as deep as I can get.
I can go deeper.
Are you talking
about your p*nis?
I want to be
so deep with you.
Do you mean in me
or with me?
I know how to
finish the song.
Oh hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on...
[singing] We were lovers,
in a past life...
[both sigh]
[dog barks]
[toaster clicks]
[Jake] Howdy.
Hey ah, what's
wrong with Angus?
She looks a bit flighty.
Why are you here?
It's half six.
I've got that site
meeting remember.
Oh, and the girls,
they need breakfast.
-Great.
-And showers.
Fantastic.
Loz, you always forget
to turn the oven off.
-No I don't.
-Look.
Oh, Jake did you
unplug the toaster?
It is a fire hazard, not to
mention a waste of electricity.
Are you okay?
Yes I'm fine.
I wanted some toast.
Yeah, 'cause you look
really ropey.
Thank you.
[chicken clucks]
So I'm pretty certain
they're going to move me
to wing attack
for semi-finals
because I'm really
practicing my pivot,
my hips now are so flexible
I reckon they could
just like twist the lid off
a jar of tomato sauce...
Lauren!
Yeah? Tomato sauce.
What's that?
Is that a green juice?
I can't have
caffeine today.
A-ha.
Lovely, you did cocaine
last night didn't you?
Off a p*nis.
[Alex exclaims]
I'm sorry what?
Are you having a breakdown?
Um, I might be.
Have you slept?
About an hour.
But relax,
I was snorting cocaine
on toilet seats before
you were even born.
Hmm, don't think
you were actually.
No, I wasn't.
Whose d*ck was this anyway?
Dallas's.
Oh well that's it then.
-He's off the list.
-What, he ticks all the boxes.
Nah, and he's ticked
them once too often.
Hot, not needy
and no strings.
I hate to break it to you but
it's called the three shag
rule.
He's going to start
getting feelings.
Oh come on,
the only feelings he's
getting are in his ding-dong.
Don't you ding-dong me.
Once you have liaised with
a gentleman three times,
they start asking
where this is going.
Sorry, are we in
Sex And The City?
It's a thing, ask anyone.
Well why didn't
you tell me before?
Because Dallas is the first guy
you've shtuped three times
so...
Stop making stuff up.
-Three shag rule!
-No such thing.
[man] It's true.
It's a real thing.
[woman] Yeah totally.
Three shag rule.
He's a model,
turned musician, you know,
just think about
that for a second.
Well even models
have feelings, Lauren.
There are no strings.
I would know.
-[woman] Oh Lauren.
-Oh thanks.
What's this?
"Dallas's delicious hampers".
"This should help you recover.
Dallas. Kiss, kiss, kiss".
Literally the definition
of strings attached.
That's not a string,
it's twine.
[Ange] Oh Lauren, can I...
Oh!
[Ange] Someone's popular.
[Ange] From someone special?
Oh no, just a,
a casual friend.
Right well, I just assumed
you wouldn't want to bring
one of your casual friends
to the dance tomorrow night.
Dance tomorrow?
Really?
The 'Dancing with the Bar'
charity event?
Oh gosh.
-My anti drug charity.
-Yes, your drugs...
[Ange] Anyway, I've still got
to finish the seating plan,
and laminate everything.
So anyway I've arranged for you
to dance with Slimon, Simon.
No! Please no.
I can come on my own.
[Ange] No! You can't enter
a dance competition
without a dance partner.
You need a partner...
Look, it would just look good
in front of the other
Senior Partners.
Yeah I'll bring someone.
Okay. Lauren!
I know it's tricky,
everyone bringing their
significant others
and you not having one.
Ange! But I have plenty
of options. Trust me.
Right? But you wouldn't bring
someone inappropriate would
you?
Ah, I'll dance with Alex.
Ah, nope, no,
I'm the compere.
Simon it is.
Absolutely not.
-I love pretzels.
-So do I.
Thank you. I'll bring someone.
[Ange] Well ah, I'll need
a name by tomorrow morning.
I have to laminate.
They don't
laminate themselves.
Any doctors?
Oh yeah, John 35,
podiatrist?
Feet, please no.
Well, because I love you,
we've got a literal
spreadsheet of men.
Any astronauts?
Okay, Ange is taking Bob
to capoeira lessons
so we need to take
this seriously, okay?
Of course she is.
'Dancer' is what we need.
Dancer, dancer. Brett.
[both] Engineer, dancer.
[Alex] Here he is,
let's take a look.
[both exclaim]
[Lauren] It is so good
to see you again.
You're joking right?
I only came here to
tell you face-to-face,
you're a horrible person.
Sorry?
Sorry for never
calling me back?
You know you actually
ghosted me?
Did I?
Yes, and I thought we had fun.
We did. We had so much fun.
And you were the
one who said,
"Oh you know,
we should do this again".
-I must've lost your number.
-Oh please.
Or you slipped
onto the other tab.
Tab, what does that even mean?
-What tab?
-On the spreadsheet?
-What was that, spreadsheet?
-What?
[Brett] What did you say,
spreadsheet?
Spreadsheet, yeah.
Well, it's actually
more of a planner.
You got a f*cking spreadsheet?
It's nothing personal.
It's just a way of
keeping track of everyone.
Everyone?
So, you're rating men who
you're sleeping with?
No, God.
What an awful thing to suggest.
It sounds like a league table,
is that it?
Well yeah, no.
-No?
-No.
Tell me, where am I on this
f*cking spreadsheet of yours?
Okay, well I guess if
I didn't call you back.
-Yeah?
-You are probably
-on the reject tab.
-Tab, right, Jesus Christ.
Do you want to go to the
thing tomorrow night?
Just...
Yeah, there's no chance he's
going to let me take him.
Ah, that's a pity,
he'd look great in Hugo Boss.
So did the Nazis.
Who am I going to take
to the ball, Alex?
I will not let Ange be right.
How about Matt?
Gave him chlamydia.
Yeah and quite possibly nits.
Yeah and also it
might seem a bit datey.
Ah, hang on a second, Alex.
[upbeat music]
[school bell chimes]
[children playing]
Mum, this is Maddy, she's my
best friend, like seriously.
Oh, well,
nice to meet you, Maddy.
Hi, will you buy
me a cake please?
The money goes to the church.
[chuckles] Well, yeah,
I suppose I will.
Me too.
Me three.
I said 'me T.O.O.'
not 'me T.W.O'
It doesn't matter.
It's not a h*m*.
Okay, that's enough.
Can I tempt you?
Yes, I think you can.
It's homemade cream filling.
Oh, here,
Maddalena actually makes
the most incredible
Sfogliatelle Ricce.
Oh wow.
You must try it,
it is light as a feather.
Oh my goodness.
Thank you.
[Lola] That was
a big mouth full.
You know, I can
give you the recipe.
Thanks, I do love to bake.
It's quite incredible, right?
Incredible.
She does a great job.
There you go.
[Lola] Come on.
Bye, BFF Maddy.
Sexy baker, suck on that Ange.
[upbeat music]
[Abby] Ah you have
sticky hands.
[Lauren] Oh, come on Abby,
that's not nice.
How would you feel if she
wouldn't hold your hand?
I wouldn't care.
All right, well, what if I
didn't want to hold your hand
and wasn't being very nice?
I'd still have Dad.
Well, what if Mum and Dad
didn't want to play with you
anymore?
I'd be fine.
Yeah, I'd just walk in the
woods at night and find a new
mum.
Well, that's good to know.
[upbeat music]
[knocking]
[Dallas] Hey, oh nice shoes.
I'm just delivering you
guys some protein.
Protein?
Yeah, I figured you could
probably use some after...
These guys are
the best burritos--
You can't just
come to my house.
Oh, the beef is smoked
over Mesquite wood so it's--
Yeah, as I ordered.
Oh, yes.
So thank you,
Uber delivery guy.
-Cool.
-Are these pickled jalapenos?
You are welcome little lady.
[upbeat music]
[door slams]
[Helena] So tired,
I'm sick of it.
I feel like a
bloody unpaid cleaner.
Literally all I do
is pick sh*t up,
clean sh*t all f*cking day.
No one ever says a
g*dd*mn thing, I'm done.
I know, I miss you,
God I miss you.
I miss you too, God,
when are you coming home?
Soon, I don't know.
Oh okay, I just need
to get it out.
I'm all right now, God,
what are you wearing?
I've got a date, with a...
..DILF.
Oh, there's no way
I'd date any of the dads
from our school.
You must have hot Aussie dads
like Chris Hemsworth.
[knock on door]
Oh, that's Alex,
I'll see you soon.
-Love you.
-I love you, bye.
[bouncy music]
-Are we having a rave?
-Yes, absolutely.
Okay, bye,
and no matter what she says,
she's not allowed
coffee or martinis now.
-Okay?
-Got it.
But I assume espresso martinis
are fine, right?
-Yep, that's fine.
-Got it.
I can't believe you
picked up in the playground.
Yeah, do you think
it's inappropriate?
Yes, definitely.
Now bugger off so
I can teach them
how to smoke
methamphetamine.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye-bye, all right.
-Eat this.
-Okay.
Oh, that's pretty good.
It came from an Uber man.
Are those pickles?
Jalapenos, yes, you're clever.
Correct, all righty.
Hit the lights,
hit the lights.
Yeah!
[energetic music]
Jalapenos, jalapenos,
jalapenos.
[soft piano music]
You know, it's actually
Maddalena's recipe.
Oh wow, gosh,
that's very impressive.
The girls do seem
to be good friends.
Well, Maddalena makes
friends pretty easily.
Yeah, she does seem very--
Advanced?
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, she's actually
reading a year level ahead,
but I know that she likes to
help out the younger kids.
Younger?
Well they're in the same year.
But yeah, it means she tells me
that Lola's still struggling
with her phonetics?
Well, she's only
just turned five.
No, don't worry,
she'll get there.
More wine?
Yes please.
[wine splashing]
There's this thing
tomorrow night,
I don't suppose you're free.
Well, will you be wearing
another sexy dress?
Yes I can.
Yeah, well then, wow.
Yes, whatever it is.
Great, well, I'll
give you the details.
You'll ah, give me what?
The details.
Sure, see I love details.
I'm very attentive to details.
I'll bear that in mind.
[kissing]
[classical music]
Oh.
Oh yeah, that'll work.
[Dom] A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
H.
I.
[Lauren moans]
[Dom] Call me Christ.
Wait, what?
I said call me Christ.
Can I call you Chris instead?
J.
K.
L.
M.
N.
N, N, N...
I'm not going to
finish this alphabet
until you call me Christ.
Oh. [gasping]
M.
N.
Oh! [screams]
Call me Christ.
Christ!
Jesus f*cking H Christ!
[music crescendos]
[elevator dings]
Hi, I've got some
of those pretzels.
Oh, yeah, really?
And I found someone
for the ball.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Name?
-Dom.
Phone number?
Haven't transferred it yet.
This a real person?
-Yeah.
-Surname?
Inic.
-Dom Inic?
-Yes.
Hmm.
[phone rings]
It's the school.
Hello?
[upbeat music]
So, Lola, this time she's
brought wine to school.
-Wine?
-Red wine.
Decanted into two
plastic drink bottles.
Right, well, clever.
She was discovered at
morning break with a friend
and they had both spilled
wine all over themselves.
And you're sure
it was Lola's wine?
Yes, but she's adamant
it's the blood of Christ.
Blood of Christ, okay.
I presume they were
going to attempt
some kind of holy communion.
Maybe teaching religion
in a supposedly
nondenominational school
is a bit confusing.
Lola's enrolled in ethics.
Yeah, but I think
she's been sneaking
into Catholic scripture.
She's got this
new friend and oh--
Your daughter
brought wine to school
and just gave it to Maddalena?
Well, obviously there
was a bit of collusion.
What does that mean?
Well, Lola wouldn't
know the first thing
about the blood of Christ.
Do not bring Christ
into this conversation.
Clearly you need to
talk to your daughter
about respecting religion.
Well, clearly your daughter
has been speaking to Lola.
Yes, she was being generous,
letting Lola be her friend.
Wow, wow.
And what sort of a person
just lets their daughter
have access to wine.
She doesn't have access
to it, she's sneaky.
Okay, okay.
Let's just...
The girls are both
covered in wine
so obviously
they'll have to go home.
And for now there will be no
further disciplinary action.
Okay, she's in
the nurses office?
But, as this is Lola's
second time
bringing something
inappropriate to school,
we will really need
to monitor her.
Yeah, I know.
[upbeat music]
What were you thinking, Lola?
I was thinking that his blood
removes the punishment of sin.
Oh okay.
John verse one chapter seven.
Don't need to know
the verse, but thanks.
Anyway, Maggy said I had
to bring it in or she--
Can you just stop bringing
things into school please?
Yeah?
I just need, well,
I just wondered
if you could watch her
for half an hour?
-Yeah?
-I knew this day would come.
Jake's not answering
and I've got the meeting
with the Partners.
No need, it's absolutely fine.
Come here Lols.
What's that, is that wine?
-Mhmm.
-Shiraz.
Oh, tell me it was from
the Barossa at least.
Okay, so look
at me darling, okay.
Did somebody speak?
That's brilliant,
I just wanted to say
that you do not
need friends like that.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
-They're in the meeting room.
-Thank you, yeah.
Ange, Ange.
-But we'll talk, talk--
-Ange.
Oh uh, one second.
Sorry, sorry.
Do you mind if we take
Dom Inic off the list, please?
Yes I mind,
he's already laminated.
No, no, no, I really
need to take him off it.
Really?
What about the table plan
and who would you dance with?
-Well.
-Now, I could ask Simon.
-No, no, no, no.
-Please!
I already have him
laminated, just...
Okay.
So as I was saying...
[upbeat music]
So, Abby told me what happened.
We need to talk about the wine.
-Yeah.
-I don't think she's talking.
No, come on Lola, please
stop this not talking thing.
-It's over.
-It's never over.
Ah, okay, she is.
And now I don't have a
real best friend any more.
Oh Lola, she wasn't
a very nice friend, okay?
Hey, you don't have to
take wine to school
to make friends,
all right sweetheart?
I just wanted to be
someone's best friend.
Oh baby, I know,
but you're so special.
You'll find a better,
more worthy,
more special friend, okay?
Mum's right, hey,
she sounds like a bit of
a squashed potato anyway.
[Lola laughs]
Who was it?
It was Maddy,
dad's called Dom.
Oh, you know him?
Ah, do I know him?
-Umm.
-What?
Uh, um.
You know.
[clapping]
What?
[whispers] You f*cked him?
Lola's friend's dad?
Jesus Loz.
Right?
How's the air up there
on your massive high horse?
Rosy.
["Your Time" by ORUS playing]
♪ Do you remember the days
When you said ♪
♪ Nothing gets in your way ♪
♪ You were led by the
Beat and the music ♪
[music lowers]
Okay, well done everyone,
the scores are being tallied.
And remember tonight
we are digging deep for
F.L.A.I.D...
Ah, the Family Lawyers Against
ill*gal Drugs
Consultant Help Group.
Yeah, umm...
Great, let's have a five
minute break for everyone.
[music continues]
[Lauren] Did I miss anything?
No, only about an hour of my
life that I'll never get back.
Hi girls, how's it going?
-Hi.
-May I have this dance?
Thank you so much.
Come this this way...
Hi.
Hi, how lovely,
thank you.
-Do you want some water?
-Yes please.
You should have told me you
were bringing your kids.
It was inappropriate,
yeah, I'm sorry.
No, I would have laminated
them a name card.
Oh.
I'd like a laminated
name card, please.
Would you?
Well, I can do one for you
tomorrow if you'd like.
Thank you Ange,
that's very nice.
So where's Bob?
Ah, um.
Well, actually he's
double booked himself.
He's um, he's been with the
anglers, his angling meeting.
Right?
I probably should have
just brought my kids.
Much better idea.
Yeah.
You guys want to start a
conga line, or something?
No? Paso doble? No?
A different movie.
Merengue?
-Okay.
-Cool.
So, are you talking
to your mum again?
Yeah because I
think she's right.
-Really?
-Maddy is a twat.
Yup, okay, great.
So I might find a
different friend.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Someone who isn't mean
or tells me I have to
bring wine to school.
Why did she do that?
She said I had to,
or she'd take me off
her best friends list,
and she did anyway.
-What, is this it?
-Yeah.
Oh, that's horrible,
that's really mean.
[Lauren] Yeah, it's horrible.
Who cares about this thing?
Let's get up and dance.
♪ It's your time
To party, to party ♪
♪ And get the life
To party, to party ♪
Well, I'm impressed,
Dom sounds like a real gem.
Yeah.
Messiah complexes are
notoriously difficult
to come by nowadays.
Do you think maybe our Lord
and saviour Jesus Christ
is trying to tell
you something?
Yeah, maybe that we should have
a religious proclivities
column.
Oh I never told you,
I once dated a guy
who used to cry for
Jesus' forgiveness
every time he ejaculated.
Oow, did Jesus
forgive him?
Yes, yes I did.
Well that's exactly
what I mean when you--
[Dallas] There she is.
Jesus Christ!
This one's dedicated
to you Lauren.
[guitar plays]
♪ Gotta woman with
Some class yeah ♪
♪ And a hot mamma a*s yeah ♪
♪ She's a working woman
Hell yeah ♪
What's happening?
♪ And she's gonna
Make me swell yeah ♪
♪ She keeps me on
My tip-toes babe ♪
♪ She's got the right
To know babe ♪
♪ We'll be married
In the afterlife ♪
♪ Cos we were lovers
In a past life ♪
Yeah, he's definitely not
getting feelings at all is he?
-Yeah, take him off the list.
-Absolutely.
♪ You and me Lauren ♪
♪ And I want you to have ♪
♪ My babies ♪
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