02x07 - The Hack

[bunniefuu]

[rumbling]

[rocket engine whooshing]

[sharp exhale]

Hey, Siri, FaceTime Daddy.

Ah! You ruined my drive. What?

Sorry about that.
I just wanted to say happy birthday, Dad.

Hey, hey!
Gary made it on the green in one.

And he's legally blind in his left eye.

Way to go, Gary.

[chuckles] Okay. Uh, did you get my gift?

No, but Sal Jr.
got me this primo golf shirt.

My sister got you a golf shirt?

Yeah. Bless her heart.

She never forgets
her old man's love for Lefty Mickelson.

Yeah, that was actually my idea.
I told her that you like Lefty Mickelson.

That was... I told her that.

Tony, you're boring me. On my birthday.

Okay, sorry about that.

The day your grandmother pushed me out.
With my head this big then!

Sorry about that, Pop.

- I just want to say that I love y...
- [hangs up]

[glass squeaking]

Your sister sounds great.

And my dad doesn't love me either.
Another thing you and I have in common.

[softly] Is my tie okay?

- Yeah, it's good.
- Am I good?

- All good. Ready to go.
- All right.

Oh, Naird.
I was actually gonna call you later.

- Oh, well, great minds.
- What do you want, Naird?

Well, sir, four months ago,
the men and women of Space Force

had their pay frozen
due to budgetary cuts.

Don't ask for a raise.

Man, Naird.

You got some big ba*ls on you, don't you?

Hear me out, sir.

I think that even a small increase
would go a long way

to keep this very desirable team

from going off
and pursuing other job opportunities.

Well, as you noted,
it has been four months,

so feel free to bring it up
with the full Armed Services Committee

when we talk with you later today.

[chuckling] We got a lot to talk about.

That's today? We, uh...
Is there anything that I should be, um...

All right, he's gone.

- How does he know the size of your testes?
- [sighs]

How do you knowthe size of my testes?

Oh, well, just as a one-baller,
that subject matter holds my interest.

- That's all.
- Fair enough.

Genesis 35X-20.

Feed's incoming, online.

Good. Next.

Uh, Rush 2112.

"Genesis," "Rush."

Are all your satellites
just named after '70s rock bands?

I never made that connection.

[scoffs] Me neither.

[laughs]

Yeah. Huh!

Are you okay, Dr. Chan?

Me?

Yeah.

[softly] Did you get a call from SpaceX?

SpaceX?

No.

So they called you?

I just said no.

Yeah, but I can see you're lying.

[scoffs]

How?

Because you haven't blinked or breathed
since I said "SpaceX."

Yeah, they called,
and they offered me a job.

I'm really sorry, Dr. Mallory.

Don't be sorry. Take it.

It's five times the pay
and half the bureaucratic bullshit.

But we're, like, a team.
You're Jordan and I'm Pippen, right?

Remember, Pippen had his best season

when Jordan went
out of the league for a year.

Dr. Chan, you have to go out there
and make your own legacy.

Uh, Dr. Mallory?

On satellite Blue Oyster Cult 181-X,
camera's not responding, nor its booster.

Dr. Chan, run a diagnostic on that.

Meet me in General Naird's office
and bring aspirin.

f*cking SpaceX.

[muttering]
Go f*ck yourselves with a Tesla charger,

you useless twats.

I hope your car
drives itself off a bridge,

and you get electrocuted,
you b*tch boring punks.

[vending machine whirrs]

- Hey, bug.
- Hey.

Uh...

I hope you're not doing
that online stock trade gambling crap.

No, you told me not to, remember?

Well, good. Good, good, good.

'Cause you know what, hon?
Being lucky is not an accomplishment.

I want you to have life experiences

that you look back on with pride
and say, "I did that."

Yes. Actually, that's why
I think I should go to Portugal.

Dr. Mallory loved it there.

This is gonna sound a little xenophobic,
but Portugal...

is awful.

Rotten, rotten place.

Uh, okay, let me remind you that you said
it was okay for me to take a gap year.

Remember? You said you were
"cool" with me traveling?

Yes, it's fine.

I'm just saying that
there are excellent hiking trails

- twenty miles from this base.
- [knocking]

How is that abroad?

Oh, Captain Ali. Settle this argument.

Portugal, yea or nay? I say it sucks.

What? Um...

No. Eu amo Portugal.

I mean, Lisboa is one of the great cities
of the world. Are you going?

No one here is Portuguese.
Who you trying to impress?

Yeah. Um, sir, I need to speak with you.

[water spraying]

[Brad] Oh no, please! Oh God! Oh!

Oh my God! The sprinklers just went off!
I didn't do it!

Oh! This is exactly why
you save take-out napkins. Oh my...

Brad, just get a bucket and a mop.

Yeah. All right. Okay. Good idea.

Best evidence thus far
for the existence of God.

The vending machines disgorging free M&Ms.

- Ooh. Sweet. Thanks for the tip.
- [Mallory] Peanut.

What the hell is going on?

No, no, no, I told you I was getting Dad

a Lefty Mickelson golf shirt
for his birthday.

You straight-up stole my idea.

[Sal Jr.] Oh, wow.
That's a serious accusation, Tony.

And as an attorney,
I warn you it's potentially actionable.

I'm sorry.
You would sue family over a shirt?

f*ck around and find out. [chuckles] Bye!

I'll be at Disney World with Daddy.

What? I'm the one
that always wanted to go to Disney World.

I want to do Great Thunder Mountain
and he wouldn't take me.

- I know that. Bye.
- [call disconnects]

What? What is that?

Do you see that? I was passing by,
and I was like, "What is this?"

So I picked it up, and it's weed.
Someone has been smoking weed down here.

- Oh, wasn't me.
- Huh.

Hey, I... I kinda heard
some of your phone call.

Was it about your dad?

[chuckles]
No, Brad, it's not about my dad.

Oh, okay.

Yes, okay, yeah. It was... It was...
It was about my dad. Yeah.

[sighs, sniffs] Look, families
are very complicated, all right?

I worked really hard to become
a one-star general to impress my dad,

only to find out
he wanted me to become a travel agent.

A travel agent.

Yeah, but I couldn't cut it.

[sighs]

Give me a hit of that jive parsley.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- Hit me!
- Small. Small.

[inhales deeply]

Oh! [laughs]

[holding breath] There it is.

You know, the only thing that
impresses my dad is when I make money.

He doesn't care about
anything else happening in my life.

Don't tell General Naird,
but I actually, uh,

I got a job offer.

To run socials
for Addison Rae's new makeup line.

[coughs]

Sweet.

First, a satellite acting out,
now a sprinkler. Coincidence?

Which satellite?

Blue Oyster Cult, 181-X, sir.
The thruster's just firing randomly.

Where is it?

It was above 46 degrees north latitude
and 37 degrees east longitude.

Over the Sea of Azov.

Yeah. Wow. Uh, was that a guess?

Yes, I got this far by guessing.

Hold on. That's over Russia.

We gotta fix this thing
before it falls on something Russian.

Dr. Chan, go down to the main server room,

see if you can patch in directly
to the satellite from there.

Captain, reach out to the NSA,
see if everything's quiet on their end.

Yes, sir.

This can't happen. Not today.

Jesus. That's why
it's a four-month review.

Hey.

Hey.

I can wait for the next one.
You can go ahead.

No, I'm sure we can share
a short elevator ride together.

[Angela] Cool.

Hey, actually, uh,
I've been meaning to talk to you. Um...

I didn't want you to, like,
hear it around.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna be
moving on from Space Force.

I just think it's time to make a change.

Really?

Yeah, I was just about
to tell the general.

Yeah, I might do something cool,
like real estate

or go back to Hawaii,
fly helicopter tours.

Wow. That... That sounds very nice.

You know, I'm actually
thinking about leaving too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

SpaceX sent me an offer.

Oh my God. Congrats.

It's a great offer.

Hey, you're not leaving,
like, because of me, right?

What? No.

And you're not leaving
because of me, right?

Nope.

- Good.
- Yep.

Nobody's leaving because of anybody.

[elevator dings]

[exhales]

Mark, isn't this a lot of coincidence?

Do you think the Russians
actually hacked that satellite?

I think they may have hacked...

[electrical buzzing]

...a lot...

[powering up]

...more than a satellite.

God, the stupid Wi-Fi is down.
[tapping keys]

- Yeah, there we go. I got it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Straight. Straight!

You don't... You're lift...

[Brad] I didn't do it.

[powering down]

Whoa. What the f*ck?

[Chan] sh*t. I think
we might be, uh, stuck.

- [Angela] Oh f*ck.
- No bars.

What?

- f*ck.
- [clicking button]

Okay, but... Okay, but there has to be,
like, a way... a way out of here.

It's called waiting for the power
to come back on,

and then the door will just open.

No, no, no, no, no!

- Are you okay?
- No! No, we're f*cking stuck in here!

- It's fine.
- Help!

- Whoa, whoa, let's just...
- Help!

Hold on. Don't break the elevator.

- Can somebody hear me?
- Just chill. Just chill.

It's gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay. All right?

- [screams] Help!
- Oh!

We're f*cking trapped in here! Help!

- Help! Angela's losing her sh*t!
- Help!

- Help us!
- Help!

- [overlapping chatter]
- [Mark] Watch your step, bug.

[alarm buzzing steadily]

[Tony] Hey, what is going on?

We're not exactly sure what happened.

We think there was a power surge,

and after that,

everything just went haywire.

[whispers] Let's go.
Away from the computers.

What's the damage, Xyler?

They've locked us out of our systems

and they're pushing Blue Oyster Cult
out of orbit over Russian airspace.

Why?

To crash the satellite and embarrass us
in the eyes of the world.

Because they can.

And make Space Force a laughingstock.

I guess we're not getting our raises now,
are we?

We have to get back online,
fire the thrusters.

Now how late is too late
for Blue Oyster Cult?

- An hour?
- An hour. All right.

- So we are locked out of our computers.
- Yep.

People with the keys
are somewhere in Russia.

Can't communicate. And they can
hear us through our computers?

- Seems so.
- [Mark] Wait a second.

We could use that to our advantage.
We could manipulate that.

They don't know that we know what we know,

but we know that they don't know
we know what we know.

Right, Brad?

No.

We lie. We make them think
that we are weaker than we are.

- I love this. I love this.
- [Mark] Smoke and mirrors.

What do you do when a Russian bear's
batting you around? You play...

- Chess?
- ...dead, right?

Oh, yeah, right.
I always play dead when I play chess.

- You got it now?
- No.

We exaggerate the impact of their hack.

At a certain point, they're not even
gonna want to play the game anymore.

- Brilliant.
- You still don't understand.

- No.
- It's like we're putting on a little play.

What do you know about theater?
Because I think you can use guidance.

I was in a Nativity play once.
I was the Virgin Mary.

It was an all-boys academy.

Oh, I'll be General Naird.

No, I'll be General Naird. You're Brad.

Oh, that's not much of a part.

But who's to blame for that, Brad?

[panting] God, it's so hot, right?

I just feel like it's like...
I'm, like, burning up in here right now.

Angela, I think you're having
a panic attack, but it's okay.

You just need to breathe.
Everything's okay.

- Take off your pants.
- What?

And, like, your shirt.
All of it. Here. Let's try this.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Come here.

Okay, okay, okay, I can't believe
I'm saying this right now,

but having sex is not gonna help.

I mean, let's find out, right? [chuckles]

- No. No. No. No.
- [gasping]

I just... I can't be trapped again.

[whimpering gasps]

Angela, you're not
on the moon anymore. Okay?

- You're safe. Right here on Earth.
- [hyperventilating]

There's plenty of air here.

- Well, I think.
- [moans]

Okay, sorry. Sorry.
I shouldn't have said that last part.

There's plenty of air. Everything is okay.

Just focus.

Focus on your breathing

and concentrate on an object
in front of you.

Look at my glasses. Look right here.

Glasses. [breathing heavily]

Yeah, concentrate on my glasses
and just breathe.

- [whispers] Glasses.
- Yep.

Glasses...

[trembling exhale]

Good. Good. Good.

Um, why do you
wear your glasses during sex?

I've... I've just been
wanting to ask you that.

I guess I... I never had a chance
to take 'em off.

Always just happened so fast.

And...

also, I just, uh, want to see your face.

You need glasses when we're that close?
Your eyes must be terrible.

Oh, yeah, they're so bad.
They're basically ornamental.

[laughs]

Yeah.

[both breathing deeply]

Doing great.

"General Naird, who do you think
is behind this dastardly hack?"

"Well, as a four-star general, I smell
the hands of the Chinese behind this."

"That country is growing in power."

"If I lived next door,

I would make common cause
with old allies from across the seas."

What does that mean?

- I wouldn't talk like that.
- Shh.

"If only the Chinese knew
what was really on that satellite."

[gasps] "Oh, I've said too much."

"What is it, sir?"

"It's classified, Ms. Havistock,
my loyal secretary."

"But that satellite is experimental."

"Powered by a thousand pounds

of the deadliest radioactive poison
in the world, plutonium-243."

"To put a finer point on all of this,

here comes the world's
biggest expert in plutonium,

Professor Montgomery Q. Tanner."

[rhythmic clacking]

Who is arriving on horseback
because he is a colorful eccentric.

"Uh, howdy! Here I come."

"I'm dismounting now."

[softly] Are you the professor?

I thought you froze. You know what?
You could be the janitor.

[Mark] "Professor,
tell us some good news."

"I am a professor,
and I do not have good news."

"If that satellite crashes,

it will k*ll millions
all over our beloved Russia."

- "What?"
- [Mark] "Oh. This is horrifying."

"Sorry to break ship."

- "We are in danger."
- "Tough t*tties, baby."

"We are all in serious danger."

"Something bad is going to happen
unless we get control of our computers."

Ow.

- No? Too much?
- No, keep going.

This is what my mom did for me
when I was, like, sick.

- Supposed to be a pressure point.
- Mmm.

- Yeah. Hmm.
- That feels good.

You know, I made that, uh,
TikTok feta pasta.

Hmm?

Yeah. [chuckles] I don't... I don't get it.
What did you like about it?

I don't know. I didn't... I didn't eat it.

I wanted you to make it first
to see if it was bad.

- You wanted me to be a guinea pig?
- Yeah.

We could have just eaten it together.

I had that every night for a week,
and it was disgusting.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

I probably should've, uh...
I could've helped you out with that one.

Yeah. You don't have to apologize.

I, uh, you know...
I kind of did a lot of things wrong.

I mean, we... we both did,
I think. [chuckles]

Yeah. But, I mean...

[sighs]

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I sort of feel like
everything got really nuts,

and I kinda wish we could just
wipe the slate clean, you know,

and go back and...

"Professor, isn't there anything we can do

to stop that giant orbiting dirty b*mb

from crashing
and k*lling hundreds of millions?"

"No, there is nothing we can do."

"My scientific opinion as a professor
and an eccentric is that all is lost."

"Professor, I don't understand."

"I'm only a simple marinating...
maintenance man,

but why can't we use our computers

to fix this situation?"

"Nobody wants millions of people to die."

"You stupid janitor!"

"We can't use our computers
because the Chinese..."

[powering up]

Sir!

We are no longer locked out!

[crackling]

Oh. [laughs]

Now we need to input new telemetry
to get that KH-11 back in orbit, stat.

- Yes, sir.
- [Mark] Uh...

- [mouthing]
- [Mallory] Oh!

But I have a confession to make.

I've been going to night school,

and I have obtained three PhDs.

Good. You can tell me about that later,
Janitor Fred.

General, we're back in contact
with the satellite.

[Mark] Good. Fire up the thrusters
and switch to the onboard camera.

Sorry, we were, uh,
trapped in an elevator.

Yep. [sighs]

Are you wearing lipstick?

What? No. Xyler, get out of my chair, man.

I just rebooted the remote navigation.
You're welcome.

Dr. Chan, recalculate
the new thruster data

and relay it to Blue Oyster Cult
immediately. Instanter.

- Okay, Roger that, Dr...
- [computer beeps]

f*ck!

- What's wrong?
- Seriously?

You're auto-updating now?

I won't be able to calculate
the right data for the satellite for...

49 minutes.

How long till impact?

Eleven minutes and 44 seconds.

f*ck Microsoft!

Okay.

f*ck!

All right. Um...

Adrian, please tell me we have a plan B.

There we go. Good. Good. Old school.

- I like it.
- Eleven minutes and seven seconds.

Okay. I know. We can see the timer
on the screen. We can all see it.

What... What is going on?

Listen, everyone.

Dr. Mallory is in the process
of doing these calculations by hand.

So this whole thing
may come down to the wire.

- Done.
- Oh. Good. He got it. Great.

Xyler, put these in.

[Mark] Thank God.

No, not just yet. So, Chan,
why is the satellite not responding?

The autopilot has a rebooting of its own.

Okay. You're gonna have to fly it by hand.

What?

The W-A-S-D keys,
they control the pitch and the yaw. Go.

Okay. Okay.

You can do this, Chan.
I believe in you, Chan.

- [beeping]
- [Chan] f*ck.

- [automated voice] Low orbit.
- The orbit's still decaying.

- I don't know. This is not Fortnite.
- I got it. Okay.

- [automated voice] Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

- Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

- Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

- Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

- Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

- Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

- Low orbit.
- [alarm beeps]

Low or...

Ah. We got it.
Bird's back in the sky.

- [all cheering]
- Hey!

Blue Oyster Cult
need no longer fear the reaper!

Captain Ali for the win!

Also, let's not forget Mallory
with all that weird math sh*t!

- [laughs]
- No. Know what? We're all winners.

I love this team! This is the best team!

As long as we stick together,
we can do anything.

Yeah. Um, sir, actually,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, General, it's 3:50. Sec Def at 4:00.

Oh! Yeah. That's right.

Um, come by my office later.
I have a very important meeting right now.

- Wish me luck!
- Good luck.

- Good luck, sir.
- [Chan] Good luck.

[shaky exhale]

Dr. Mallory, that ruler thing was so cool.

Slide rule. Got us to the moon.

You see, I still have
so much to learn from you.

SpaceX, they can go find themselves
another handsome scientist, you know?

I'm gonna stay.

- You're sure?
- Yeah.

- [Angela] Yeah.
- [man] That was impressive, for sure.

Maybe there's another reason?

Well...

[Brad] Tony. Psst! Tony.

Please don't tell anyone
that I smoked jive parsley.

I definitely won't
be using those words, Brad.

- You want me to get you more, don't you?
- No.

Before you leave.

You got it.

Is the General free?

There's a line.

[Angela sighs]

[Sec Def] I didn't wanna do it,
but I had to.

I fought it as hard as I could,
but ultimately I was overridden.

So, congratulations.

Well, thank you, sir.
It feels good to get a win.

And I'm sure the team is going to
appreciate the raises and the new mission.

But, right now, I have
a whole waiting room full of people

who I would like to give the good news.

Well, it's good news to you.
To me, it's just news.

And I lost a bet.

[knocking on door]

- Sir.
- Tony, guess what?

We got the raises.

- We got the raises?
- We did.

[chuckles]

- All of us?
- What did you wanna talk to me about?

[door closes]

Sir, I need to speak to you.

Captain, I have been meaning
to give this to you.

- Please open and read at your discretion.
- Okay.

[clears throat] So, what can I do for you?

I'm leaving Space Force.

Okay.

Yeah, so, ever since, um, the moon,

I've just... I've been...

Um, I just think it's time for me
to make a career change.

Oh.

I see.

Yeah, so I am going to leave
and move to Hawaii.

Oh, Hawaii.
That's very nice. Very beautiful.

Yeah, it... Um, yes.

You know, I'm not coming back.

Oh, no, no. Yeah. No, I understand.

Okay.

I'm sorry.
I just kind of thought you would be, like,

trying to convince me to stay.

You know, tell me I did a good job.

You know, I saved that satellite,
or I brought the astronauts home.

Tell me I conducted myself
with dignity and professionalism.

Tell me I'm not
the type of person who quits.

Isn't that what you always say?

If I said any of those things,

would it change your mind?

No.

Then I respect your decision.

All right.

Um, then you will have my letter
of resignation by the end of the day.

Very well.

Well,

goodbye.

Good luck.

[softly] You did a very good job.

[Mark] Dear Captain Ali,

in recognition of your leadership
and exemplary dedication to service,

you have been promoted
to the rank of Major.

Congratulations and continued success.

General Mark R. Naird.

[exhales]

I was worried, but it looks like
the whole team's gonna stick together.

Except for Captain Ali, maybe. And you.

I'm definitely taking a gap year.

Yeah, I know. I know, honey.
You gotta spread your wings. I get it.

I'm not going to Portugal though.

Huh?

I'm going to work in forestry.

Oh.

Wow. Okay.

Don't tell me. Rainforest?

Listen, if you're gonna head
to someplace like the Amazon,

they have all kinds of diseases.

So you're gonna need to get shots.

Uh... I don't know
if there's many diseases in Colorado.

Colorado?

That's where the US Forestry Service is.

I thought you hated Colorado.

It's not my favorite place
in the world, but...

you're here, so.

[sighs]

[exhales shakily]

[Erin] Oh my God.

[chuckles] Oh...

- You are such a softy.
- No.

[indistinct chatter]

Captain Ali.

I haven't received
your letter of resignation.

Actually, it's Major Ali now, sir.

- [Mark] Morning, everyone.
- [overlapping] Morning.

Well, it seems that we

have made some friends in Washington,

and they've decided
to give us a little present.

A new mission.

We are now part of
the American Strategic Defense Plan.

Oh, sir. Is that the, um...

Yes! That is the Hawaii telescope,

and we now have sole access.

NASA, not so much.

Screw NASA.

[both laugh]

- Sorry, sir.
- I will allow it this once.

What are we looking at right now, sir?

- What are we looking at?
- Yeah. What is that?

[Mark] Uh... That appears to be
a slight smudge on the lens?

Um...

No, I think that might be an asteroid.

Sorry?

A really big f*cking asteroid.

And it's getting bigger.

[Mallory] ♪ Aruba, Jamaica ♪

♪ Ooh, I wanna take you ♪

♪ To Bermuda, Bahama ♪

♪ Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego ♪

[harmonizing] ♪ Baby, why don't we go ♪

[all] ♪ Down to Kokomo ♪

♪ We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow ♪

♪ That's where we wanna go ♪

♪ Way down in Kokomo
Aruba ♪

[Beach Boys] ♪ ...Jamaica
Ooh, I wanna take you ♪

♪ To Bermuda, Bahama
Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego,
Baby, why don't we go ♪

♪ Ooh I wanna take you
Down to Kokomo ♪

♪ We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow ♪

♪ That's where we wanna go
Way down in Kokomo ♪

♪ Martinique, that Montserrat mystique ♪

♪ We'll put out to sea ♪

♪ And we'll perfect our chemistry ♪

♪ And by and by we'll defy
A little bit of gravity ♪

♪ Afternoon delight ♪

♪ c*ck and moonlit nights ♪

♪ That dreamy look in your eye
Give me a tropical contact high ♪

♪ Way down in Kokomo ♪

♪ Aruba, Jamaica
Ooh, I wanna take you ♪

♪ To Bermuda, Bahama
Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego,
Baby, why don't we go ♪

♪ Ooh, I wanna take you
Down to Kokomo ♪

♪ We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow ♪

♪ That's where we wanna go
Way down in Kokomo ♪