02x08 - Going Down and Out in Beverly Hills

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Californication...

My mama!

That thirsty little nose of yours
is costing us some money.

- I'm sorry, Daddy.
- You're going to your mother's.

Going to my mother's
makes me want to do drugs!

(Hank) What the f*ck is this?

A little something to put in your book.

We drove out here together.

I ended up producing. She ended up alone.

Hi. You don't know me.

My name is Hank Moody. I'm a writer.

I want to ask you a question
about Lew Ashby.

Did I say that you could talk to her?

Jesus. You've got a bit of
an overprotective vibe.

I have many vices, my friend,
but jailbaiting ain't one of them.

(They laugh)

Excuse me, gents.

All right, repeat after me.

- I will never...
- "I will never..."

...f*ck Mia again.

Oh, no! You didn't!
This is sick and wrong!

(Mia) ♪ Your face is that place

♪ Your face is that place

I'll make you a deal. You guys stop playing,
and I'll accept Jesus...

as my personal saviour.

Who the f*ck are you?

My bad.
You guys keep livin' the dream.

♪ There is a place for us
where love has no shame

♪ It's not about the years

♪ It's about the tears

♪ And when I look for grace

♪ Your face is that place

♪ Your face
is that place

♪ Your face is that place ♪

Wow!

Wow. For once I believe
you actually wrote something.

I also believe that you should honestly
consider never writing anything ever again.

Thanks, but I'm not interested in the opinion

of someone whose cultural significance
went out with Hammer pants.

Don't knock Hammer pants.
They let a man move. Ow!

What did you think, baby?

I love it.

It's as though Janis and Alanis had a baby.

Yeah, and they put it in a dumpster
to howl away its pathetic little existence.

Wow.
I'm gonna be thinking about that all day.

And you can think about this.

(Hank coughs, clears throat)

- And you, Hankie, can think about this!
- Ooh.

- Yeah.
- Ow.

Hey, Ashby.
I just have one thing to say.

♪ Your face is that place
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

I don't want to break the girl's heart,
but I can't take any more power ballads.

Suggestions, please.

Extricate yourself immediately, if not sooner.

But, Jesus, she f*ck
like she knows things, you know?

Like she's been places,
seen some sh*t.

Wait, wait, wait. How did the interview
with my old lady go?

It went.

Yeah? What did, uh...
What did she say about me?

She misses me, right?

I mean, at least in the sack.

- I'll know more when I see her again.
- Whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Moody, I thought this thing was over.

I'm going over there right now
after I d*uche my ears.

Well, go then. Enjoy.

You touch her, I will cut
your cheeks with a straight razor.

Ha, ha, ha.

(They laugh)

Fft! Fft!

(Laughs) That is bullshit.
He's just being dramatic.

I don't mean as much to him
as he'd have you believe.

I don't know, lady. To hear him tell it,
you're the one that got away.

Ran away screaming is more like it.

- What was he like back then?
- Hm.

I guess probably the same as he is now,

a Lost Boy.

Sweet, well-intentioned, loves the women...

A little too much.

What makes him so good, then?
What do you think?

You know what? He listens.

He hears things in a song
that no one else can.

- So, what was the last straw?
- None of your business.

Janie Jones, I do believe
the man is still in love with you.

His sun rises and sets with you.

I think that he would toss everything he's got
just to get another shot with you.

That's what I believe.

We were in the middle
of living our happily-ever-after

when I walked in on him
one day writing a song

with a Sheryl Crow wannabe.

And, I don't know, I just freaked out.

I mean, it was more intimate than f*cking.

I know he always said he had to fall
in love with everyone he worked with,

he had to open himself up to the music,

but I guess I just...

got sick of sharing him.

So I bailed.
Does that make me superficial?

No. Just human.

Look at this, it looks like
you got the happily-ever-after after all.

- Damn straight.
- Don't you want to talk to him?

Just out of curiosity.
Don't you miss him a little bit?

Sure, I miss him.

Like you'd miss a bad case of the crabs

if you got them from Robert Plant
or Jesus or someone.

Yeah, that is a little-known fact about Jesus.
He was well-known for his VD.

He made the ladies itch all the way
from Galilee to Nazareth.

You're just like him.

Jesus? You know, I get that a lot.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- Let's see if you can walk on water.
- Hm? Oh. Oop. Save my words!

(She laughs)

- What are you, a child?
- What are you, a grown-up?

You ruined a perfectly good glass of Scotch.

Get back in here. The water's warm.

I believe we should do
a little synchronised swimming.

No, I think that's enough for one day. I have
revealed way more than I thought I should.

How'd you do that?

It's what I do. It's a gift.

- (Man) Janie!
- What is that, the ba*ls and chain?

Yeah. This does not look good. Come here.

Janie, where the f*ck are you?

- Come on.
- Hold on, hold on.

Just...
Just wait in here for a few minutes.

I'll be back.

I want you to take her
directly to the airport, OK?

Whatever's on the meter
when you get there, I will triple it

if you see to it she makes it
to the security line.

Don't worry, Daddy. I'll be a good girl.

It's really hard for me
to trust you right now, baby.

I know.

My dirty little wh*re of a nose
is sorry that she let you down.

But she loves you so much
she's willing to go chill out at her mother's.

Wow. I've never seen you go voluntarily
to your mother's before.

I want to fix this, Charlie.

And if it means shacking up with that troll,
that's what I'm gonna do.

- Let's go.
- Why?

- Come on.
- What are you doing?

- I should drive you.
- No. You have your meeting.

Well, we'll reschedule.

Baby, I'm a big girl.

You need to stay here
and take care of you and Daisy.

I promise we won't have any fun
while you're gone.

We'll be wishing we were at
a retirement community in Tucson.

Oh, yeah. Nothing like
pinochle and menopause jokes.

A blur of canes and walkers.

But look for me,
I'll be the one soliciting all the grey-hairs,

"I'll suck your d*ck, old man."

Bye, baby.

Put down those shuffleboard sticks.

Marcy's coming to suck your dicks!

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- It's your knight in shining armour.

Your lord? Your pasha?

What's Mandarin for "dream lover"?

(Fake Mandarin)

Probably the opposite
of whatever the word for "mouth r*pist" is.

Oh. Well, I'm not gonna be there
to pick up Becca from school today, OK?

- I'll explain later.
- I can't wait to hear it.

No, it's actually a good one, but now
I've got to see a man about a horse, so...

(Urinates)

- Ah.
- (Gasps)

No baños.

So I used the sinkos.

(Zip)

(School bell)

Hey, you.

- No father-type figure.
- No.

But knowing your father, he'll probably be
here on Saturday or Sunday to pick you up.

I don't want to hear
anything bad about him.

OK.

- Hey! It's Mia.
- Don't bother.

She's not driving.
She's got other plans.

Oh, really? What?
Like "older boyfriend" plans?

Something like that.

I don't do this nearly as much as you think.

Makes me paranoid.

Paranocio.

Yo.

Plus, the old lady, back when I had one,
didn't approve of me ingesting substances.

Not that she was above it herself.

Where do you stand on the issue?

Well, that wasn't exactly a response,
but I'll take it.

Hey, how does Mrs Jones seem to you?

Is she a good jefa?

Is she contento?

What's going on here?
A language barrier?

Mi vieja es stick up asso.

Uh... Hypocrita.

El doble standardo.

Ella fumar sino si yo fumar...

Huh?

...ella cortar los cojones grandes.
- (Laughs)

Yes!

You're beautiful when you smile.
I wish you did speak English.

I have a lot to discuss on the subject
of accidental cunnilingus.

Why the f*ck wouldn't I speak English?

Oh, hello!

Give a brother a heads-up before
he divulges his entire history with women.

I was enjoying your Spanglish
way too much to stop you.

My Spanglish is muy bueno.

(Man) Rosario!

Oh, f*ck! f*ck!

- What?
- Get out of here. Go! Go!

- Rosario.
- Oh, sh*t.

Rosario?

Mr Jones.

Hmph.

Well, I was thinking that now
might be the perfect time

for one of our performance reviews.

Oh, um...
Maybe later, when I finish my work?

This is part of your work.

Dios mio.

I'm fairly new to porn myself.
Still, let me just say,

it's nice to be in an office
occupied by a real executive.

- On a couch that's actually used for sitting.
- (They laugh)

Love it!

Daisy, you are so funny.
Oh, do the end of Vaginatown.

Oh.

"She's my sister, my daughter, my sister...

"Oh, I'll never figure it out
without a c*ck in me!"

(Agent laughs)

I didn't realise that also played comedically.

We think that Daisy has what it takes
to be an Intense girl.

That is great. Just great.

But we're fielding offers from a few studios,

so can you tell us what sets Intense apart?

Daisy will have access to our marketing
and distribution teams.

And with that kind of exposure,
Daisy can name her price at strip clubs,

fan events, tours.
Not to mention merchandising.

Her face will be on the package
of thousands of rubber vaginas.

- (He whistles)
- Great!

Of course, all Intense girls
are at least double D's.

You don't have a problem
getting implants, do you?

Wait a minute.

I'm no expert,
but I consider myself quite a masturbator.

I've certainly rubbed them out to girls
a lot smaller-chested than Daisy.

That porn does exist. But it's a niche.

Like shrimping or granny-f*cking.

Who says shrimping is niche?

Look, Daisy. We love what we see.

We just want to see a little more of it, right?

Erm... Ah...

- I...
- Fine. Fine, but you got to know

that if my client is even gonna consider
this request, you'd be buying them.

We're not paying for fun bags.

You know, I'm all for a little affair
of the heart, but that dude?

I think you can do a lot better.

It wasn't always that bad. I fell for him at
first. He was gonna leave his wife for me.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And he was gonna pay so my whole family
could go to college or some sh*t like that.

"Rosario, te amo, muchacha.

"Linda, hermosa, bella tú."

No me gusta.

Give me your jeans.

Oh, no, I don't want you to do
a whole load of dark.

I think I'm good. They're drying.

No, papi. Don't worry.

I just want to see you out of them.

- This is wrong on so many different levels.
- Uh-uh.

When we're done,
can you at least let me mop up?

Oh, my God.

- (Phone vibrates)
- Mm. Mm.

- It's my phone.
- Yeah.

Hello?

Mia is dating Lew Ashby!

(Gasps)

I am as surprised as you are.

What the f*ck?

We are meant to be taking care of her,

not letting her skip school
so that she can sit in the laps of old men.

- You're the one that condoned it.
- Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Who was the one that said dating an older
man was a "valid life experience"? Quote.

f*ck!

No, not... You know,
I didn't mean it like that.

I believe someone is owed an apology,
and his name is Hank.

No. No, because you brought this man
into our lives, OK? So you can fix it.

I tried to stop it.
Anyway, I have it on good authority

that relationship is not long for this world,
so relax.

- Wait a minute. Hank?
- Why are you saying Hank like that?

Like what? Like since when
did you care how I say Hank?

Why are you so up my a*s
about the way I think you say Hank?

You're f*cking paranoid.
Are you stoned?

- (Rosario) La vieja?
- Sh, sh, sh.

f*ck you.

- La vieja.
- Mm.

(Sighs)

I think we should reconsider.

- It's a career move.
- It's wrong is what it is.

We were fools to agree to surgery.

Thousands of rubber vaginas, Charlie.

Yeah, to get your face on those vaginas,
you have to undo your very Daisy-ness.

Everything in my career
has been leading up to this.

I want to be a star, Charlie.

Mm-mm.

The real stars
do not get their boobs done.

The Julias, the Meryls, the Nicoles.

Nicole Clitman? She has E's.

Ah.

She needs them
to distract people from the rest of her.

You don't. Come on. Daisy.

You know, don't hide behind silicone.

Be brave enough to be yourself.

You're a real star.

Hey. Lew.

Hey. Lew!

You're an as*h*le!

- But we haven't even dated.
- No, I'm a little too old for you.

You date children.

- Oh. Mia.
- Yeah, Mia. She's 17.

OK, but to be fair, when I met her,
I thought she was 19.

- Not helping, right?
- You're disgusting.

OK. Look... Hey, hey, hey.

Come on. Don't leave in a huff.

You know, I design houses for a living.

And usually, when someone wants
a giant behemoth like this,

it's because they're hiding from something.

Which is a good idea for you.

If you ever took the time to look in the mirror,
just for a second,

you'd see yourself as you really are.

There's a reason why
you can only attract 17-year-olds.

It's because you're pathetic!

(Thud, Karen screams)

f*ck.

- Think we'll make it out of here by sunset?
- Yeah, the coast is clear. Come on.

(Rosario) Don't fall again.

- Hey, there.
- What the f*ck?

- (Hank) Hola.
- Who the f*ck is this?

I know you from somewhere.

Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Rosario here is my amiga.

She tells me when she called it quits
between you two, you didn't want to stop.

Now, I'm all for the...

That's cool. I'm not one to judge.

But you... The power relations
are skewed here, you understand?

Read your Karl Marx.
I want you to respect her sh*t.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't want to hear that she's been let go.

The day I hear about that, that's the day
your old lady hears about it, comprende?

- f*ck you.
- f*ck me?

- No, f*ck you, Ron.
- f*ck you, Ron.

- Yeah, f*ck you, Ron.
- f*ck you, Ron.

- Yeah, this is over.
- It's over, buddy.

If it's any consolation,
I think she got you out of her system.

Several times. Twice in Spanish,
couple times in English.

(Rosario) Dos.

Once in Spanglish.
An underrated movie, in my opinion.

What's going on here?

Did you f*ck my maid?

No hablo ingleses.

Wow. That is unbelievable.

(Sighs) Well, you know,
I was trying to make a graceful exit,

but apparently,
red-faced angry hockey Dad

likes to keep Baby in a corner
and keep his gate locked up.

What was I thinking,

letting the Hank Moodys and the Lew
Ashbys of the world back into my life?

You were probably thinking you needed
a break from red-faced angry hockey Dad.

Hey, um...
Let me just ask you about Rosario.

Can I ask you not to fire her,
if that's too much?

I get the feeling she needs the job
and there are mouths to feed, so...

I'm not gonna fire Rosario.

If she keeps on keeping house the way she
does, she can keep f*cking my husband.

Wow. You're some kind
of a neat-freak, huh?

Yeah. I'm not an idiot. I know all about it.

I just don't know that I actually care.

I'm not sure I buy that, Janie Jones.

Look, I know I'm not
on top of my game here,

but I don't want to lose
the most compelling part of my book, so...

I'm sure Lew Ashby has plenty of compelling
parts stashed around this entire city.

- But you're the key.
- Yeah.

Can we just finish this interview without,
you know, the dip in the pool

and the dip in the maid?

No. I'm done talking about Lew. Go.

If you want to see me again,
you just have to ask me out.

Hold that thought.

- Ooh, what is this stuff?
- OK. Here's the deal.

See, my 57-second performance
in Vaginatown was no one-time thing.

- You come...
- Rather quickly.

You poor baby!

No, no, no! I'm lucky.

Lucky to live in an age
when there are various tools available

of which those of my ilk
can avail themselves.

See, there is numbing cream.
That's good stuff.

Extra-thick condoms...

- a**l beads?
- Oh, no. They shouldn't be in this box.

Those puppies make me come
like a fire hose.

Hey. Hey!

OK. You are not gonna need
any of that stuff with me.

Hey. What are you doing?

Look, I can't see you naked yet.

OK. I'm gonna coach you through this.

c*ck control is mainly mental.

So, what is your
most embarrassing teen moment?

High school. State debate championship.

Yeah, I was ahead,
and then I popped a b*ner.

So just think about that.

No good. I shame-jizz.

OK.

I'll just do the yonic pretzel.

What the f*ck is a yonic pretzel?

It's like a negative Kegel.

- A negative what?
- It's just complicated vag*na sh*t.

Every time you think you're gonna blow,
just pinch me.

Then that'll be my cue to pretzel, OK?

I don't know.

Trust me.

You believed in me, and I believe in you.

I'm gonna get you through this.

- Here.
- Me? OK. Yeah.

A little anaesthetic never hurt.

And you're right. I am an as*h*le.

I know.

I'm not gonna lie to you
and say that Mia is an old soul, but...

she is charming, witty, and gorgeous.

Yes, but she's less than half your age, Lew.

But by the time charming,
witty and gorgeous women

get to be my age,
they want nothing to do with me.

OK, so that's your rationale. That's OK.

It's true. Take yourself, for example.
You've had your share of man-children.

- Excuse me!
- Whoo-hoo.

You'd see me coming a mile away, right?

Man's got a point.

But I guess I wouldn't
have seen you coming at 17,

which is why we protect our children.

OK. The whole age thing's
a real sticking point with you.

Jeez. Forgive a guy.
Can you just forgive a guy?

Surely there's other older men
that have dated Mia, right?

No. Not as far as I know.

- And if you did know?
- I don't know.

If they were like you,
I wouldn't speak with them ever again.

- Interesting.
- What's interesting?

Well, cos we're truth-telling. Um...

- What?
- Nothing.

- I take women as they come to me.
- That's...

Any woman that's kind enough to have me,
I don't question.

That's beautiful. That's nice of you, Lew.

- I missed a little bit.
- I...

What the f*ck?

(He laughs)

I thought I saw a green light there. I did.

- No.
- No, absolutely.

What?

I've got to go. You're insane.

- Call me.
- (Door shuts)

(He laughs)

Wow.

Your Jedi clam tricks really work.

Yeah?

Yeah. I'm really doing it.

Staying in the game.

My p*nis is still in your vag*na.

Way to go, champ!

Holy sh*t!

I'm King of f*ck Mountain!

I could go for days!

Oh, well, that's not totally necessary.

It's no problem.
You just enjoy yourself.

I'm actually a little sore.

Oh.

That's cool. Coming is my favourite part.

Well, you earned it.

OK. Go!

- Go!
- (Phone rings)

- OK, please don't pick that up. I'm chafing.
- (Answerphone beeps)

Charlie, it's llene.
Where the hell is my daughter?

She doesn't pick up. She doesn't call.
What the f*ck, Runkle?

She had manners before she married you.

Son of a b*tch!

Hey, it's the littlest of the Moodys.
I got sushi.

Play some Guitar Hero. What do you say?

Maybe some other time, Dad.

No, no, no.
I got the kind with the paper boats.

You love you some paper boats.

- I'm meeting Damien.
- Oh, no.

Oh. Oh.

You know, f*ck that Harry Chapin.

Prophetic b*stard.
Cat's in the Cradle. m*therf*cker.

I should have picked her up.

Right. Well, it's not her loss.

You know, you had your chance,
and now you don't, so...

Oh, yeah. You want sushi?

No. Would that I could.

I have to go meet Sonja
and your best friend at the gallery...

The bearded bozo?
Well, take some. I got way too much.

- It doesn't travel well, but thank you.
- I got 20 pounds. Paper boats...

But you could, you know, just make yourself
at home and lock up after.

Well, yeah.
This used to be my home once.

And I used to be your girl once.

- OK.
- Hey, about, um...

you know, the Mia thing with Ashby.

- Oh.
- I'll take care of it. I'm gonna protect her.

Oh. It's already taken care of.

No, no. It's unforgivable.
She's still a kid.

- I took care of it.
- How? How did you do that?

The guy's an animal, a moving train.

He's pure id.

Yeah, you're right.

But he is a great kisser, so...

(Scoffs) What?

- Wha...
- I think you heard me.

- I...
- Mm-hm.

So, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see a man about a horse.

♪ How can I be wrong if
the decision's already made

♪ Oh, woman, I feel,
I feel a million miles away

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ Your face is that place

♪ Your face
is that place

♪ Your face is that place
♪ Your face is that place

♪ There's a place for us
where age has no name

♪ There's a place for us
where love has no shame ♪