04x01 - Exile on Main St

[bunniefuu]

- Previously
on californication...

- Oh, my god.
You're becca.

- I have some news.

- Yeah, me too.
That's why I'm here.

- Are you excited
to meet your brother?

- My brother?

- Hey, everyone.

- Look, I don't want to limit
your sexual exploration,

But you got to lay off
the hookers

Because it's ill*gal.

- You need to start dealing

With some real,
live women one-on-one.

- Hi.

Uh, hi, pr--pretty lady.

- I assume that
the offer still stands.

- Are you in?

- Yes, I'm in.

О!

- I have an idea.
- You're not gonna do it?

- No, I'm gonna do it.
Maybe you should do it too.

- I'm getting married.
- No, you're not.

- Yeah, well, there's not a lot
you can do about it, is there?

- This is ridiculous.
- Any more than this?

- I cannot,
in good conscience,

Endorse this sh*t, becca.
- We're doing it in new york.

You can be a part of it or not--
totally up to you.

And I'm not gonna let you make
me f*cking miserable about it.

- I can pay you.
What if I pay you?

- You're an as*h*le.

- Yes, but I'm an as*h*le
who loves you

Something fierce, baby.
- I know.

- I just want
what's best for you.

- I know that too.

- Which is why it's hard for me
to get excited

When you're g-getting--

Married.

- I'm not getting married.

- You're not?
- No, it's not a good idea.

- It's not? It's not!

Oh, I'm so happy you're
on the same page with me.

Between your mother and you,
that almost never happens.

- There's no point
in me getting married, ever.

- Well, now--now,
that's a wee bit extreme.

You could wait till,
like, 30 or 35.

You know,
your 20s and early 30s

Are gonna be an endless
procession of d*uche bags--

Trust me,
but just hang tight.

- There's no way
I'll ever be able

To have a successful
relationship.

- Why do you say that?
- Because of you.

Have you ever been able
to sustain a relationship?

You say you love me,
you say you love mom,

But what does that mean
when you only ever let us down?

I'm my father's daughter.

- Becca!

- You all right, buddy?

- I'm fine. What the f*ck
are you doing here?

- Marcy and I had a fight.

She's gonna sleep
with stu tomorrow.

Can I sleep here
with you tonight?

Тише.

_

Hey.
Where is she?

- Gone.

- Gone?
What do you mean gone?

- Well, she left for new york
this morning.

She's gone to meet
his parents.

- Meet his parents?
- Yeah.

- Jesus christ, karen.

This is more serious
than I thought.

- Well, what part of
"dad, I'm getting married"

Did you not think was serious?
- The whole f*cking thing.

It's like the setup
to some horrible practical joke.

You know, i-i keep on
expecting ashton kutcher

To make an appearance--he's not
in your bathroom, is he?

Are you f*cking
ashton kutcher, karen?

You might need these.
- They're having the ceremony

At his parents' house
this weekend.

- Oh, no, that is--
that is crazy.

- Mm-hmm.
Maybe, maybe not.

- No, that's not normal.

That's not the way
it's supposed to happen.

- Okay, so what
do you want to do--

Like, pretend
it's not happening?

- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, what's wrong with that?

- Well, look
at the choices we made.

- Mm-hmm.
- We decided not to get married.

We were too cool and, you know,
too bohemian for that sh*t.

And look where that got us.

How cool are we right now?

Is that what you want
for her--

Our life,
our ridiculous f*cking story?

- No, karen, I see no reason to
denigrate our beautiful story.

And I have every reason
in the world

To be mad about the most recent
turn of events here.

- Where is that gonna get you?
- I don't know!

It just feels pretty f*cking
good right now--that's all.

- Okay, well, stay angry, then,
because you know what?

You're way too f*cking old to be
dragged kicking and screaming

Into doing the right thing.

- How do you know
it's the right thing?

- Because she's our kid,
and she f*cking needs us,

And that's all I need to know.

- Yes, yes, that's right.
That's the point--she's a kid

And she's behaving
like a f*cking kid.

What?

- You just gonna let it ring?

Who is it--
julia?

- Ashton.
- Julia?

- Kutcher.
- Great. Okay.

- It's anton kirchner.

- Deal with it.
Deal with it, hank.

Just f*cking deal
with something in your life.

I'm leaving tonight,
and I'll keep you posted.

- Shouldn't we talk
about this some more?

- We're done talking.
I'm all about the doing, okay?

- Hello?

Julia, just slow down.

Jesus christ.
- I don't want to know.

- Oh, f*ck.
What, are you kidding me? Again?

- Looking hot, marcy.
Hot.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

I guess you want to look
your best when somebody's paying

A million bucks
to f*ck you, right?

Makes sense.
Way to go!

If you're gonna do it,
do it right.

Get it f*cking done!

Йу-ху-у-у!

- This is exactly why

I didn't want you
in the house today.

- Oh, oh, right.

So I wouldn't see you, right?

That's sweet--

Like a bride
on her wedding day, huh?

Like that?
Is that what you mean?

- Charlie.

- Maybe I got something
going on today too.

Yeah, maybe I'm gonna
get f*cked today.

Whoo-hoo!
- Will you stop whoo-hooing?

And I told you,
I don't want to know about it.

And you better not f*ck anyone
in my house.

- It was my house first,
you know.

And I f*cked
a lot of ladies here.

A lot--102, in fact,
to be precise.

Yep, I f*cked 'em here,
right on this chair.

I f*cked 'em there.
I f*cked 'em there.

I f*cked 'em on the counter.

I even f*cked 'em bent over
this chair right here--

Your favorite spot.

Bloop--
I slipped right in.

It was no problem at all.

- Good for you, baby.
Mm.

Good for you.

We're gonna laugh about this
one day, you know?

- Oh, you sure about that?
- I love you.

I'm sure about that.

You better f*cking
say it back.

I love you too.

- You better not have
a f*cking orgasm.

- I'll do my best.

- I'm so f*cking disappointed
in you, levon.

- That hurts
my f*cking feelings, mom.

You damage my self-esteem
when you say sh*t like that.

- You think it's okay
if I slap him silly?

- We don't hit
in this family, hank.

- Yeah, maybe we should.
- Try it.

I'll see you in court,
m*therf*cker!

- Think I'll see you
in court first, m*therf*cker.

- Now you have
a criminal record.

- And you owe me
a sh*t ton of money.

- I'm good for it.
- No, you're not.

You're unemployed.
- Which is why I was

Seeking comfort in the arms
of a streetwalker, okay?

I didn't know
that sh*t was ill*gal.

- Really?
- I mean, I guess I knew,

But I thought cops always
looked the other way.

Lesson learned.
- This is seriously unhealthy.

I'm gonna have to send you
back to dr. Lawson.

- Who's dr. Lawson?
- His therapist.

- Why'd he stop?

- 'Cause
I f*cking healed myself.

- Oh, you did? Good job.
- Yeah.

- I can't talk to you right now!
- Nice job.

- So why don't you just go home,
and I'll take care of this.

- You're the one who started
this in the first place.

- I know. Just let me see
if I can end it, all right?

- Bye, mom.

- Come here.
- Ah!

- Hello?
- Oh, hello, hello, hello.

- Winston, allow me to introduce
you to hope and love.

- Hope and love.
Oh.

Please, come in,
come in, come in.

Yes, enjoy.

Make yourselves at home.
There's shrimp--

Crustaceans to enjoy
on the table.

- You have a lovely home.

- Oh, well, thank you.
That's a very nice thing to say.

- Hope's all yours.

I want love.
- Okay.

- It's easy for me
to remember that way--

Like, "bend over, love.
Don't orphan me ba*ls, love."

It rolls of the tongue,
you know what I mean?

- Whatever you say, krull,
whatever you say.

- You feeling okay about this?

Фух.

Oh, yeah, just--j--

I think it's just what
the doctor ordered.

- Yeah.

She's a sure thing, mate.
Enjoy.

She'll even give you a good
a*s-licking if you like.

After a bit of exercise,
it's quite nice.

What?

Don't knock it till
you tried it, pal, all right?

- No more hookers.
You hear me?

- Fine.
I'm f*cking broke anyway.

- It's not about the money.
- I know.

I'm a f*cking criminal now--
I get it.

- It's not about breaking
the law either.

You need to have
something approaching

A real human relationship
with someone.

You can't just keep paying
for body parts.

- Yeah, that's easy
for you to say.

You're a handsome guy
with a great f*cking body.

- Why, thank you.

- I'm in really
good shape right now,

But my looks
are a serious problem.

And I sweat
way too f*cking much.

Girls don't like clammy hands
on their t*ts.

That's a fact.

Hey, isn't that that girl
from that time? Remember?

- Oh, yeah, the one
who wanted a photo with you

Because you were famous
for f*cking your students?

Yeah, that made me feel
awesome.

Good times, dad.
- You should go talk to her.

She's all by her lonesome
over there.

Go on.
- She's not really my type.

- You don't have a type.

- Sure I do.
Everyone has a type.

- Well, you shouldn't.

You should be open

To anything with a couple
"x" chromosomes, dude.

- sh*t, she's staring
right at me.

- What do I do?
- - Aah!

Wave at her.

No, not like
the queen of england.

Come here.
Come with me.

Look, somewhere inside you

Is the courage
to put yourself out there.

Now reach in and grab it.
- Okay.

- Be funny, be charming,
be bold, m*therf*cker.

Hey, hey.
- What's up, prof?

- Nothing much,
former student...

Whose name I can't recall
at this time.

Apologies.
You remember levon.

- Yeah, you're
the actor guy, right?

- Not really, no.
- Yeah.

Ай!

Okay, aspiring actor, yes.
- Right.

- You're tara, right?

- You remembered.
- Yeah.

I went to school
with this chick named sara.

She was Ret*rded.

Sorry. I guess you're not
supposed to say that anymore,

But she was seriously
mentally handicapped,

Like, really f*cking tweaked.

All the kids made fun of her
and sh*t.

I didn't because I always felt
pretty Ret*rded myself.

That's how I remembered.

Sara, tara--not that you're
Ret*rded or tweaked or anything.

- Thank you.

No, you're not
like that at all.

You're really pretty,

And not in a generic way, like,

"Oh, you're so pretty,
do you want to dance?"

You're, like,
uniquely pretty.

Like, there's probably
no other girl

In the world
who looks exactly like you.

And you've got
this really cool vibe.

You make me feel good--

Not in a creepy "my wiener
feels weird" kind of way.

Like, happy good.

It makes me want to get
to know you better.

Would you have a drink
with me, tara?

- Sure, levon.

I'll have my own, but sure.
- Okay.

- I'm just gonna run to
the restroom real quick, okay?

- Hey, if you don't come back,
it was nice to see you again.

- I'll be back, levon.
I promise.

- Cool.

Watch out
for the toilet paper.

- Shh.
- It's rough stuff.

Пиф-паф, пиф-паф.

I like
how she says my name.

- That's the way it starts,
my friend.

You did good.
- Thanks.

- Here, drinks are on me.

Try to make it
to dinner, okay?

- Dude, if I can get her
to have dinner with me,

I can probably bang her
outright--

- No banging.
- No banging?

- Just talking, all right?

- What about fingering?

- I will break
that finger right off.

Just enjoy her.

And let her enjoy you, okay?
All right?

Try not to fart.

I love you, you know that?

- I do.
And I f*cking love you too, dad.

- Good.
Good, good, good.

- Having a dad
is f*cking awesome.

- Don't cry.
Here she comes.

I'm around if you need me.

Call me. Titty twister.
- Ow.

- You're back.

Hey.
- I just need one of those.

- Dirty old game
they call pool, huh?

- Yeah, show me your best.

- Okay. Oh, right there.
- The white one's the cue ball.

- I'll be the stripes.

- Hey.

I think he's gonna be all right.
- Where is he?

- He's with a girl.
- Alone?

- No, he's in a bar,

Just like us
once upon a time.

- Did you pay her?
- Not a dime.

No, he did it all himself.
- Oh, that's good.

- Yeah.

- I hope he doesn't take
his p*nis out.

- I hope he does...
At the appropriate time.

No, seriously, julia,
I think he's gonna be fine.

I really do.

No, honestly,
getting to know him, just--

He's been maybe

The most pleasant surprise
of my adult life.

О.

- Thank you.

- I know the feeling.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

- Wait.
Hold on.

- Don't you f*cking
c*ck-block yourself.

- No, no, no,
I want to do this right.

- You mean,
like, with protection?

I think
I have condoms somewhere.

- No, no, no, I want to take you
out to dinner...

Tonight, all right?

- I like dinner.

- You like dinner?
- Mm-hmm.

- All right,
that settles it, then.

- Okay.
- We're on, all right.

Oh, wear your best dress.
Leave those underwear at home.

- Kruller, looking good.

- Hello, hank.

- Where's baldo?
- He's in the guest room.

- Say hello to love.

- Hello, love.
- Hello.

- As you were.
- All right.

That's it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Ох...

- Oh, what the f*ck is this?

- What does it look like?

- Why in my bedroom?

- I can't f*ck another woman
in my marital bed, hank.

That's sick.
- Class up the a*s, runks--

Class up the f*cking a*s.

You shouldn't have done this.
It's not worth it.

This sh*t is never worth it--
no disrespect, milady.

You are a work of art.
- Thank you.

- I didn't do anything, hank.
- Yeah, he couldn't get it up.

I did everything I could.

It was like nibbling
on a piece of string cheese.

It's really making me question
my chosen career path.

- No, no, no, it's not you.

But you really should consider
going back to law school.

- It's definitely not you.

This kid is
an absolute f*cking mess,

But you should go
back to school.

Now, this is great news, runks.

Put your limp d*ck away,
get in your girly car,

And drive
up to stu's posthaste.

You got to put
an end to this sh*t.

You'll thank me later.
You are welcome.

- She probably
already f*cked him, hank--

Twice, three times.
- Four times a lady.

You'll never know
if you don't try.

Now be bold,
you f*cking ninny.

There you go.
Put some clothes on.

You look like someone dragged
you out of the river.

- I'm sorry
it didn't work out,

But we could get together
sometime for lunch maybe,

With my wife or not.

We'll see.
We'll see.

- Um, hey, would you mind
if I practice on you?

- Practice what?
- Sex.

- Oh...
- Thanks for everything, krull.

- That is tempting.

But, you know, I've already
turned down sex once today,

And I think
I can do it again.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Aw.

- No.
- No?

- Yeah.
No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.
Be gone, harlot.

I've got writing to do.

And get your a*s
back in school.

We have done it all, marcy.

- We swam. We played tennis.
We had lunch.

We meditated. We did some yoga.
We had massages.

The only things
we haven't done is f*ck!

My ba*ls are
so swollen right now.

Please...

Take me in your mouth.

- What?

The contract doesn't say
anything about blow jobs, stu.

Intercourse only.

- Hey, hey,
blow jobs are implied.

- Get a better lawyer.

- Okay, fine.

Is it all right
if I penetrate you, then?

- I just feel so weird
about all this.

- Well, of course it's weird.

It's like riding a bicycle.

I mean, once big daddy
enters the rain forest,

All will be right
with the world.

- You know what?

I have to check and see
if the money transferred.

- You don't trust me!
- Why would I trust you?

You're a f*cking
crazy person, stu.

- You go ahead and check.
I have to pee.

Do you know how difficult
it is to urinate

With an erection this size?

- What the actual f*ck?

What the f*ck is this?

О. Ну...

This is quite embarrassing.

- Not to mention
really f*cking creepy.

- You know, this is not
as creepy as you may think.

She is my loving tribute
to you.

Isn't she beautiful?

- She's a f*ck doll, stu.

- She's an expensive f*ck doll--
15 large.

But...

But she's
so much more than that.

She's a woman,
just like you.

And I have made love to her,
just like I made love to you.

Want me to show you?

- Oh, jesus f*cking christ.
This is too f*cking weird.

You need help, stu.

- Wait, wait, wait.
Marcy, marcy. No, no! No.

Don't--don't go.
Don't go.

Look, I paid you
a million dollars

So I could f*ck you, woman.

The least you could do
is let me f*ck you.

Come here.

No, don't fight it.
- Oh, oh.

- Don't fight it.

I will pepper you with kisses,

And you will remember
what it is like--

- What, you're gonna
r*pe me now?

- Oh, come on, marcy!

How many r*pe games
have we played?

Requested by you, no less.

- Those are games, stu!
"No" means "no," you know!

- Oh, oh, god.
- Ow!

- Is that the safe word?

- Don't do it, marcy!

О!

- Oh, my god.

I was totally hoping
that you would make

Some lame attempt
to rescue me.

- Am I too late?
Did you guys already f*ck?

- No!

- I couldn't do it!

- That is fantastic news!

What have you
been doing all day?

- Everything but.

- You mean, like, a**l?

- No, he didn't even
finger me.

- I didn't.

- And things got so weird

Because I found that f*cking
sex-doll thing over there--me.

- Solid.
I'd throw a shot into her.

- Uh, look, guys,
you know, this is obviously

A really terrible idea.

Uh, look...

I am sorry I messed
with you guys' marriage.

Why don't you just
give me the money back,

We call it even?
- Fine.

Let's go, runks.

- No, no, no, no.
You know what?

f*ck you, stu.
We're keeping the money.

- Hey!
The hell you are, runkle!

A million bucks
is still a million bucks.

- Hey, you said it
yourself, stu.

You f*cked with our marriage.

I could sue you
for alienation of affection.

- Yeah, and you would lose,
m*therf*cker.

- Maybe, but I could
still leak a story

About a freaky,
washed-up producer

Who's into prostit*tes
and sex dolls.

- I'm not washed-up.

- You try me, stu.

I will f*ck you up!

I will make you eat
all of my ba*ls.

- You are getting some f*cking
teeth at last, runkle!

Good for you!

Listen,
I realize I have sinned.

The money is my penance.

I'm sorry, guys.

Whatever I did,
I did out of love.

It just f*ck
with a man's head.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

М-м-м.

- ♪ One of the days,
the ground will drop ♪

- Let me guess.

You were expecting
someone else?

- Yeah.

- Me too.

f*cking guy.

- f*cking guy.

- Do you want me to go?

- Do you want to go?
- No, no f*cking way.

- Then stay.

- All right.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Funny running into you here.

- f*ck.

- Good-bye, old girl.

Karen.

I made it.

- Hey, g-good for you.

- Our baby's getting married.

- What do you want--

Like, a pat on the back
for doing the right thing?

- Come on, a little positive
affirmation never hurt anyone.

- Okay, it's good.

- Don't ask.

- Oh, come on, please?
- No.

- I need to sit
next to this woman.

- No, you don't.
He doesn't.

- Good.
Move it along.

- All right, all right.
Karen, that's fine.

But--but I wrote you
something,

Because every time
I open my mouth,

Something stupid comes out,

And the words don't mean
what I want them to mean,

Not even half of what
I want them to mean, so...

Here.

- Okay, thank you.

- Go ahead.

- Hank, I'm tired
of reading you.

- Seriously?

I thought I was
your favorite author.

Ha ha.
Okay, well, that just means

I'm gonna have to read it
to you...

- No.
- Out loud!

- Hank, stop it.
Don't be stupid--

- "Dear karen."

That's how it starts.

- God, I'm sorry.

- "I've been thinking about us."

That's us
with a capital "u".

"The story of us.

"How the f*ck do I sum it up?

"Has it been perfect?

"Hardly.

"Any story with me
at the center of it

"Will never be anything less
than a big, smiling mess.

"But here's
what I know for sure.

"Our time in the sun
has been a thing

"Of absolute f*cking beauty.

"The nightmares, the hangovers,
the f*cking and the punching,

"The gorgeous, shimmering
insanity of this city of ours,

"Where for years I woke up,
f*cked up, said I was sorry,

"Passed out,
and did it all over again.

"As a writer, I'm a sucker
for happy endings.

"The guy gets the girl.

"She saves him from himself--
fade to f*cking black.

"As a guy who loves a girl,

"I realize
there's no such thing.

"There's no sunset.

"There's just now,
and there's just the two of us,

"Which can be scary
f*cking ugly sometimes.

"But if you close your eyes

"And listen for the whisper
of your heart,

"If you simply keep trying
and never, ever give up,

"No matter how many times
you get it wrong,

"Until the beginning and end

"Blur into something called
'until we meet again.'"

And that's--that's it.

I-i didn't know
how to finish it...

Because it's not over.

It'll never be over
as long as there's you,

There's me,
and there's hope...

And grace.

- Uh, excuse me.

You can sit
next to me if you want.

- Oh, fine.

Take the f*cking seat.

- Thank you.

- It's a middle.
Thank you very much.

- That hasn't necessarily
won me over.

- Oh, i--
no, of course not.

- Till the f*cking wheels
come off, baby.

- ♪ Rocket man ♪