01x18 - Abuela

[bunniefuu]

And up next, Barb's Big Ups!

A big up to Lewis
for his neck tattoo.

A big up

to this branch for cutting
our processing time in half.

And a huge big ups to Colette

for helping a centenarian

- renew his license.
- Oh!

Wait, a man-horse?

Those aren't real.

That's a centaur, you dodo.

Centenarian is someone
that lives till they're 100.

I had no idea
Walter was that old.

Although he did use
a lot of words

we're not allowed
to use anymore.

Lucky for us, he shared
the key to his longevity.

I'm more interested
in the key to short-gevity.

Every day, he does
the sitting-rising test,

where he makes sure
that he can stand up

from a cross-legged position
without using his hands.

Right?

- Focus, people!
- I can totally do that.

Two weeks till
the consultants choose

which branch to close.

People!

We cannot be distracted
by a silly test.

That I'm dying to try.

Clear the room!

Yeah, yeah. Let's do it.

Uh, Barb,

- I-I'll pass.
- Good idea, Greggles.

You've already reached
longevity.

Arriba.

Stop it.

I was almost up.

Aw! This dang boot, you guys!

Come on, Barb.

You've got this. Just...

engage your core.

English muffin!

Everybody has a core, right?

That's a rug burn.

That's fine.

So we agree? We're
all at the same fitness level.

Yeah.

Hey, chica.

I told you not to call me that.

We're not there yet.

This is exactly why I don't
respond to your text messages.

Fair.

Anyways, I need a favor.

- Absolutely.
- From Gregg.

My Abuela Rosa's coming in today
to take her driving test,

and I need you to fail her.

Uh, shouldn't be a problem.

As long as I'm in a mood.

And I'm always in a mood.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about me?

Ceci, I always take the olds.

Remember this guy?

You won him
for passing a 100-year-old.

- Yeah.
- No, no, she needs to fail. This is dangerous.

She's never driven
a day in her life and now,

all of a sudden, at 70,
she wants to hit the open road?

No me digas.

I can handle it. I got you.

I'm your girl.

I'll stick with Gregg.

He's closer to being my girl.

W-Wow.

Okay.

Whatever. I'm gonna go

polish my trophy, which I won

for being good at old people.

Hey, thanks again, Gregg.

And since you don't care
about longevity,

I won't feel as bad
if she crashes and kills you.

Perfect.

Okay, old man.

Let's see
how long you're gonna live

with this stupid
no-hands challenge.

Okay.

Not gonna quit until I do it.

Okay.

Is that Barb's retainer?

Ugh.

Hello.

I'm so glad you brought Gilbert

- back to the office, Vic.
- Yeah.

He almost makes you likable.

- Yes, you do.
- What is all the hubbub?

Did someone bring their pet
into work today?

- Uh...
- Because I'm loving it!

Hey, mister.

Oh!

Oh.

Whoa. Chillax.

Gilbert. Um... Sorry, Barb,
I don't know what's going on.

He's just joking.

He's just joking.

We give each other grief,
you know?

We joke like that.

- Oh, my gosh, you really like her.
- Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Uh, Jerem... y?

Yeah, that's me.

Sorry.

Uh, Señora Rodríguez?

- Sí.
- Oh!

I'm Colette.

I'm a friend
of your granddaughter's.

Well, almost.

Uh, little backstory...

we are the office
will-they-won't-they

of friendship.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah. Hurry. Thank you.

- Hey, Gregg.
- Noa.

Are you trying to do
the no-hands challenge?

No, I just... I dropped my pen.

- That's why I'm down here.
- Oh.

This one right next to you.

Here you go.

Can't someone
just sit on the floor

at work in peace?

Okay.

Oh, God.
We have these for a reason!

Good news, people! We have found
the source of the smell!

Raccoon dead in the vents!

Bad news...
we can't do anything about it.

Sounds like a rough day.

Need me to tap in?

NoHo... Beau.

No Beau h*.

Beau, the manager from NoHo.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, hey, Barbara.

I'm just registering
my new boat.

Can't you do that
at your branch?

Mm-hmm. Since you asked,
it's a catamaran.

Which is technically two boats.

And I was in the neighborhood.

But I need those tags stat,

because I'm taking Dan and
Kshitija on it this weekend.

The DMV consultants?

I thought
they were only doing dinners

with each branch manager.

Oh, God.
We had our dinner last night.

Gangbusters.
I laid out my vision

for the future,
had a little ceviche

from this spot I recommended.

Did you ever taste
leche de tigre?

Tiger's milk?

- Isn't that ill*gal?
- What?

No, it was, like, scallops or
shrimp with lime juice and junk.

But it was incredible.
Or should I say "increíble"?

Oh.
That's Spanish for "yummy."

Heard you have
your dinner tonight.

I do.

Aw, I guess
they're still doing it

as, like, a little parting gift.

We all know which branch
they'll be closing.

Here's a hint...
we're standing in it

and it smells like dead raccoon.

- Oh! Who's this tiny gentleman?
- Careful.

He-he doesn't like people.

Oh!

Oh! He does like people!

He likes good managers.

Oh, who loves kisses?

Beau loves doggy kisses.

Gilbert's got to go.

- Effective immediately.
- What?

I just got off the phone
with corporate.

And, man,
this really splits my uprights,

but they just banned canines
from the workplace.

That's doggist.

I know.

My hands are tied.

Wait.

Does this have anything to do
with the fact

that Gilbert doesn't like you?

What? What? No.

Seems pretty convenient

that Big Sac
changed their policy

on the same day
that I brought Gilbert in.

Plus, everyone knows

you stress eat when you lie.

What?

No, I don't.

So you normally eat an avocado
like it's an apple?

The nutrients are
in the skin, Vic.

Looks like Gregg
isn't your only girl,

'cause, uh...
mission accomplished...

abuela fail-a.

No need to thank me.

You were right.
She's a terrible driver.

But I stood strong,

even when she turned on
the waterworks...

That's not my abuela.

Oh.

I don't get it.

She said her name
was Señora Rodríguez.

Who in here's last name
is Rodríguez?!

- Sí, aquí.
- That's me.

No, no, relax.
I'm not calling on you guys.

I'm just proving a point.

Okay, I need to go find Gregg.

My actual abuela's gonna
get here any second.

Wait, but I-I just proved
that I'm great

at failing old Rodríguezes.

Oh, yeah? You think you can be
as harsh with my abuela?

- Yeah.
- She can't even get through a grocery store aisle

without knocking things over
with her cart.

She doesn't even shop anymore.
She just buys whatever falls in.

Look, if you're so concerned,
come with me.

Please just let me do this
for you, Ceci.

As a friend.

Fine. It'll be a road test
for the both of you.

Awesome.
I'm gonna destroy that old bag.

Too much.

It was. Yeah.

Oh! Whoa!

What a numpty.

That's, uh, Kiwi slang
for "idiot."

Anyway,
I'll just gather these up

and... pop up.

You see,
it's kind of like surfing.

You just, like, fire the glutes.

Shwoop. Pop up.

Oh, thank you, Noa.

- Yeah.
- Having you do it repeatedly

in front of me
is extremely helpful

- and not making me think about my longevity at all.
- I'm sorry.

It's just that you're always
taking me under your wing,

and this is something
that I can do for you.

Yeah. But I helped you
learn how to do your job

and deal with family issues.

You're teaching me
how to stand up.

Yeah.

Mate, I'm here for you.

Hey, what's the Kiwi slang
for "get the hell out of here"?

It's "haere atu." It's, um...

Haere atu.

Yes, that's good!

Haere atu.

- I'll just go. Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay.

Pop.

Pop.

- Beau Young.
- Yes?

- Mm-mm.
- Oh.

Decided to come to a real DMV

to see how the studs do it?

Are you kidding?
I've been here for two hours.

To register my catamaran.

W... A catty?

Two hulls to the skull?
Dude, that is epic.

You have no idea.

This is me Titanic-ing.

We do it all the time.

Gilbert's my Rose.

So, uh...

where
you taking this little guy?

Barb put the kibosh
on pets at the workplace.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Barb doesn't want the dog
in here, huh?

Well, you know, there is
a workaround if you want.

You ever hear of
an emotional support animal?

There is this bird
in the parking lot I talk to.

Mm. Sure.

All you need is
a letter from a therapist.

And I got a guy who will write
one for just about anything.

I once got out of jury duty

thanks to something
called "narcissism."

Can you believe it?

Me? Beau Young?

This guy?

- This guy?
- Oh, man.

That's perfect.

'Cause I definitely don't have
any real issues.

Ain't that right, Gilbert?

Ain't that right, Gilbert?

Ah, no, I can see that.

Nice turn back there,
Abuela Rosa.

Nuh-uh. Just "Rosa."

- She's not your grandma.
- Fine.

How am I doing?

I have to say, Rosa, you are

handling this big rig
pretty well.

I've been taking lessons
for months.

- Yeah.
- Now that my last nieta's in college,

Estefani... oh, my God,
she was a project...

it's time for my third act.

Maybe expand
the radius of my Tinder

to include Palm Springs.

Looks like you didn't
have to be worried at all.

She's actually
a pretty good driver.

Mm, I don't think she's ready.

- No, she is.
- Mm.

Trust me. Yeah.

- Hey, Abuela.
- Hmm?

Did you know that Colette
dated Cousin Miguel?

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

He just bought a new townhouse.

Eat-in kitchen.

That doesn't matter to her.
Because guess what.

She dumped him.

- ¿Que qué?
- Uh-huh.

Uh, can we just focus
on the road test?

Just kicked him to the curb.
And you want to know why?

Why?

Because he was too short.

¡Qué barbaridad!

- And he's not short.
- Mm-mm.

He's concentrated,
like the best orange juice.

Right on Sunset, please.

Hey, Gregg!

Uh, L.A. Dodgers'
Yoshinobu Yamamoto is out here

with a delicious bundt cake.

Oh, what flavor?

My back just went out.

Oh, no.

Yamamoto's not out there, is he?

I'm so sorry, mate.
That was a dirty trick.

But you did almost stand up.

What you're doing is pushing,

but what you need to do
is-is pop.

Leave me alone.

But bring me a slice
of that bundt cake, please.

Gregg, this is
really not your day.

You can't stand

and there's no bundt cake.

There is no bundt cake?!

What the hell?!

Ugh, you're still here?

Of course I still am.

And this place still smells
like that dead raccoon.

I don't have time for this,
Beau.

A colleague of mine

is gonna bedazzle my boot
for my dinner tonight

at a little place
called Paul Fleming Chang's.

You're taking the consultants
to P.F. Chang's?

It's the best Asian food
in Los Angeles.

I know it is. I'm Asian.

Barb, there's
a new vest in town.

Mmm!

That's right.

Gilbert is officially

an emotional support animal.

Got a letter
from a therapist and everything.

The dog's supposed
to wear the vest, you idiot.

This one's for a husky.

Oh. I thought it was
just for men with bigger builds.

Beau put you up to this?

Well, I guess there's only
one thing left for me to do.

And that's to, uh, welcome
Gilbert back to the office.

Sons of Anarchy!
Gilbert bit me!

No, he didn't.

- Yowch.
- Okay, then.

- Let me see it.
- Are you kidding?

Lift my arm?

It'll be Geyser Permanente.

Well, you're in good hands,

because I happen to be
a registered volunteer medic.

Yeah, well, you're
a registered volunteer liar!

Let me see the bite.
In fact, we all want to see

- the bite, don't we?!
- Yeah.

Oh...!

Never you're touching me!

Boo-yah!

So, Colette,

what were you, uh, thinking
about getting your mom

for Mother's Day?

I don't know.

I'll listen for clues
on our weekly phone call.

Hello?

You only call her once a week?

- Mm-hmm.
- What does your poor mother do

the rest of the time?

File a missing persons report?

Good one, Abuela.

What the hell is going on?

Are you trying to upset her
so that she'll fail?

No.

No, no, no.
Of course not. If anything,

I'm trying to relax her.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm. Abuela, look! The Pope!

- ¿¡Dónde?! ¿¡El Papa?!
- Huh?

- No, no! Look out!
- Aah!

Thankfully, none of the girls
selling the cookies were hurt.

But the only right thing to do
was to buy up

all of their stock.

I think these are knockoffs.

I mean,
what the hell is a Thick Mint?

I'm sorry I couldn't pass you.

A fender bender is
an automatic failure.

It's okay.

It's my fault
for getting distracted.

Yeah.

I'll-I'll wait for you
to give me a ride home.

Okay.

Looks like she's not getting
behind the wheel anytime soon.

Gracias, chica.

You really are my girl.

- Colette.
- Yeah.

- I'll pray for you.
- Oh.

Ayúdala a pararse derecha.

Thank you.

She recommended a posture bra.

I'm wearing one.

Hmm. Hmm.

Don't look at me like that.

Shh.

Down here.

I-I think I may be going
through something.

Ugh, boy.

That makes two of us. Gregg...

permission to vent?

Denied.

I just failed Ceci's abuela,

like she asked, but she was a...

Rosa was a very good driver.

I'm starting to think
that I don't have a spine.

Me, either.

I was so focused
on being friends

I forgot
that being friends means

being able to say
when you're unhappy.

I'm unhappy.

I need to have an honest
conversation with Ceci,

but that terrifies me.

Hey, could we do a role-play?
Uh, you be me, I'll be Ceci.

Please, no.

"Colette, hello?

Just why?"

That's it.

Oh, my God!

I did it. I stood up on my own.

I'm gonna live long enough
to hate old age.

I just needed someone
annoying enough to push me.

Damn, Noa, it was more of a pop.

He did it.

That crazy son of a b*tch
did it.

I can hear you, Noa.

Ah. Yeah.

Where's your little
carpet sniffer?

Gilbert? He's taking a nap.

But I came to apologize.

Really?

Yeah, he bit you,
and that's not okay.

So the only responsible thing
to do is to...

put Gilbert down.

You're right.
It's the right thing to do.

Oh. Okay.

Um, but j-just
to be super clear,

you know what "putting down"
means, right?

He was a good boy.

And may he rest in power.

I'm not gonna euthanize my son.

Why does Gilbert hate me?

And why does he love Beau?

Why do you care so much?

If I cannot get
a tiny little dog to respect me,

how can I get
the consultants to?

I see what this is.

Gilbert knows

you're the alpha around here.

And as a fellow alpha,

he's challenging you.

You think
that he sees me as an alpha?

I know he does.

This is your territory, Barb,

so you can't back down.

You got to show them
you're the big dog.

I used to see it in
the foster system all the time.

But with weirdly more shedding.

Ceci.

Hey, girl.

I'm taking Rosa on another test.

Whether you like it or not.

She worked her butt off
for this moment.

She deserved to pass. And she...

would have if you hadn't
purposely messed her up.

She's a very good driver.

I know.

Oh.

Okay.

Is that it? I thought
you were gonna make fun of

my shoes or something.

What's going on with you?

Honestly, I thought
she was gonna b*mb that test.

And then when I realized
she was gonna pass, it just...

I just don't want to let her go.

Oh. Ceci.

My whole life, she's just...

She's been the one
that I was closest to, you know?

My parents worked a bunch,
but she was always there.

Even now,
she's, like, my best friend.

We go to the movies together,
we get our nails done,

we-we make fun of celebrities'
botched plastic surgery.

Now, what, she wants to just...

go do her own thing? Like,

- mm.
- Doesn't she deserve that?

What if she actually wants
to move to Palm Springs

after falling in love with one
of those desert macho men

or something?

Clearly, you've never been
to Palm Springs.

I'm just not ready
to let her spread her wings.

You are.

Your abuela helped you and her
other grandchildren grow strong,

and now her new project
is herself.

Fine.

You can retest her.

Thank you.

And your shoes are tragic.

They're good for my arches.

Mm. They better be.

Question... should a catamaran
actually be two boats?

I figured out why you're here.

To get in my head.

What?

Don't flatter yourself.

You're intimidated by me.

Why else come all the way here

to do something that would've
taken you three seconds?

- Hmm.
- You act like you've already won,

but, really, you're scared

'cause we're the better branch.

And the big dog,

the big dog's nipping
at your heels!

I'm the big dog!

Jilloyce,

help this man with his boat
and send him on his way.

Barb's branch.

You haven't seen
the last of me, Barbara!

Oh, yeah, there's no boat.

Another question... have you seen
the latest edition of 10 and 2?

Colette said I didn't make
one mistake, Cecilia María.

Best test of the day.

That's really great, Abuela.

I got to...
I got to retake that last one.

What's wrong?
Is my lipstick too much?

It's called Tropixxx,

with three X's.

Uh, no, no. I just got, like...

An eyelash got stuck
or something.

Okay, one more shot.

It's beautiful.

Thank you, baby.

You actually look really hot.

Oh, thank you.

Don't worry, Dan. The Dynamite
Shrimp is not made of dynamite.

Okay.

Go for Berry.

Oh, hi, Dan. I was
just heading out for our dinner.

Oh. Food poisoning?

From ceviche, huh?

You cannot trust raw fish.

It's like going skinny-dipping
with snapping turtles.

Whoever recommended that really
should not be running a DMV.

Yeah, I can reschedule
for tomorrow.

Okay, then.

Hydrate!

Mr. Perfect gave the consultants
food poisoning.

We're coming for you,
Beau Young.

Hasta ceviche, baby.

Gilbert.

You don't want any part of this.